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Funny / Torchwood

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Although it lacks much of the humour of its parent show, Torchwood has had its moments.

For Miracle Day funny moments, see that page.
For The Lost Files funny moments, see that page.

  • From Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang:
    Gwen: (to an elderly woman on the street) Excuse me, have you seen a blowfish driving a sports car? (woman points) Thank you.
    Elderly lady: Bloody Torchwood.
  • I'm partial to the moment where Gwen yells out "BLOWFISH!"
    • Later on, Jack and John's reunion. First they dramatically walk towards each other in semi slow motion, suck face like they're in a movie, beat the ever living shit out of each other, hold each other up in a Mexican Standoff, then smile at each other and ask how the other has if this is completely normal.
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  • Later in that same episode:
    Captain John: I think I'm starting to see what he likes about this place...she's beautiful...he's stunning...
    Gwen: Don't you ever stop?
    Captain John: Five minutes to live and you want me to behave? Oh, that's gorgeous...
    Gwen: That's a poodle.
    Captain John: It's nice! (extremely lascivious look)
  • From Sleeper:
    Tosh: Nuclear warheads. Ten of them.
    Ianto: It's all over.
    Owen: (beat) Let's all have sex.
    Ianto: And I thought the end of the world couldn't get any worse.
  • All of the scene following Gwen walking in on Jack and Ianto's naked makeout session on a desk, particularly the naked hide-and-seek conversation. And, in the category of unintentional puns:
    Ianto: There's a package on your desk.
    • If you watch the background while Ianto delivers that line, you can see that Jack is already undressed again.
  • From Greeks Bearing Gifts:
    Tosh walks in; Owen's recent autopsy has gone a bit wrong and Gwen is NOT holding back.
    Gwen: "It turns out that Owen has made a few mistakes. That body is what gender again, Owen?"
    Owen: "A...male....a man... a very girly man!"
    Gwen: "That's not all of it, remember, you said gunshot wound, right? Well, what was the true cause of death?"
    Owen: "Unidentified trauma."
    Gwen: "Yes, but what can definitely be ruled out?"
    Owen: "Gunshot wound..."
    Gwen: "Gunshot wound!!!! So, Owen, did you actually get any part of your diagnosis correct?"
    Owen: "....I got that... a skeleton?"
    • She's singing the "X bone is connected to the X bone" song when Tosh first walks in.
  • From "Sleeper," Owen is trying to beg Tosh to set up a phone. Tosh tells him multiple times, that The entire. Telephone. Network. Is down! Then Ianto comes in:
    Ianto: Mobiles, land lines, tin cans with bits of string, everything. Absolutely everything. No phones, phones all broken. (makes a little phone with his hands) Hello? Anyone there? No! Because the phones aren't working!
  • Dead Man Walking, when it isn't awesome or tearjerkerish, has the hilarity of Owen Harper's puking scene and Jack's hilarious reaction.
    • Then there's this from the same episode.
    Jack: Only in suffering do we realize beauty.
    Owen: Yeah, yeah. Who said that?
    Jack: Proust.
    Owen: You've read Proust?
    Jack: Yeah. Well, no. We dated for a while. He was really immature.
    • Later in the same episode:
    Ianto: I have searched for the phrase "I shall walk the Earth and my hunger shall know no bounds," but I keep getting redirected to Weight Watchers.
  • In Something Borrowed, Jack mistaking Rhys's harridan of a mother for a shape-shifting alien and holding her at gunpoint.
    Jack: Don't move you shape-shifting bitch!
    • And then when she protests she's not an alien:
    Jack: Yeah, and The Lone Ranger didn't have a thing for Tonto!
    • The proof that she's not an alien? The shape-shifter can't copy scent and Gwen would have recognized that god-awful perfume anywhere.
  • From Meat:
    Gwen: Have you ever eaten alien meat?
    Jack: Yeah.
    Gwen: What was it like?
    Jack: Well, he seemed to enjoy it.
    • Tosh suggests using the alien meat to feed the world, prompting Ianto to quip that they could release a single.
  • From Exit Wounds:
    Grim Reaper Looking Guy: Devils! Blasphemers! Pray to your heathen god, while in the Lord's name we cast you out!
    Ianto and Tosh open fire with hand-guns.
    Ianto: There we are then.
    Tosh: Sorted.
  • From Everything Changes:
    Jack: Okay, first of all, who the hell orders pizza under the name of "Torchwood?"
    • And Owen's response: "That'd be me. I'm a twat."


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