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Funny / Torchwood

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Although it lacks much of the humour of its parent show, Torchwood has had its moments.

For Miracle Day funny moments, see that page.
For The Lost Files funny moments, see that page.

     Season one 
  • "Everything Changes":
    Jack: Okay, first of all, who the hell orders pizza under the name of "Torchwood?"
    • And Owen's response: "That'd be me. I'm a twat."
  • "Small Worlds"
    • One of Fairies, in trying to get into the garden, smashes through a fence. A fence that, mind you, has done nothing to offend said fairy at all.
  • "Greeks Bearing Gifts":
    Tosh walks in; Owen's recent autopsy has gone a bit wrong and Gwen is NOT holding back.
    Gwen: "It turns out that Owen has made a few mistakes. That body is what gender again, Owen?"
    Owen: "A...male....a man... a very girly man!"
    Gwen: "That's not all of it, remember, you said gunshot wound, right? Well, what was the true cause of death?"
    Owen: "Unidentified trauma."
    Gwen: "Yes, but what can definitely be ruled out?"
    Owen: "Gunshot wound..."
    Gwen: "Gunshot wound!!!! So, Owen, did you actually get any part of your diagnosis correct?"
    Owen: "....I got that... a skeleton?"
    • She's singing the "X bone is connected to the X bone" song when Tosh first walks in.
  • "End of Days":
    • Just how much of a show off is the TARDIS? As we learn in Utopia, she doesn't even land in the lab and still makes a goddamn mess of the place on her arrival... There's several tonnes of concrete between her and the lab, and she still trashed it.

     Season two 
  • "Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang":
    Gwen: (to an elderly woman on the street) Excuse me, have you seen a blowfish driving a sports car? (woman points) Thank you.
    Elderly lady: (In the most Welsh accent imaginable) Bloody Torchwood.
    • The moment where Gwen yells out "BLOWFISH!"
    • Later on, Jack and John's reunion. First they dramatically walk towards each other in semi slow motion, suck face like they're in a movie, beat the ever living shit out of each other, hold each other up in a Mexican Standoff, then smile at each other and ask how the other has if this is completely normal.
    • It's Jack - it is perfectly normal for him..
  • Captain John: I think I'm starting to see what he likes about this place...she's beautiful...he's stunning...
    Gwen: Don't you ever stop?
    Captain John: Five minutes to live and you want me to behave? Oh, that's gorgeous...
    Gwen: That's a poodle.
    Captain John: It's nice! (extremely lascivious look)
  • "Sleeper":
    Ianto: Mobiles, land lines, tin cans with bits of string, everything. Absolutely everything. No phones, phones all broken. (makes a little phone with his hands) Hello? Anyone there? No! Because the phones aren't working!
    Tosh: Nuclear warheads. Ten of them.
    Ianto: It's all over.
    Owen: (Beat) Let's all have sex.
    Ianto: And I thought the end of the world couldn't get any worse.
  • "Meat":
    Gwen: Have you ever eaten alien meat?
    Jack: Yeah.
    Gwen: What was it like?
    Jack: Well, he seemed to enjoy it.
    • Tosh suggests using the alien meat to feed the world, prompting Ianto to quip that they could release a single.
  • "Dead Man Walking":
    • Owen Harper's puking scene and Jack's hilarious reaction.
    Jack: Only in suffering do we realize beauty.
    Owen: Yeah, yeah. Who said that?
    Jack: Proust.
    Owen: You've read Proust?
    Jack: Yeah. Well, no. We dated for a while. He was really immature.
    Ianto: I have searched for the phrase "I shall walk the Earth and my hunger shall know no bounds," but I keep getting redirected to Weight Watchers.
  • "Something Borrowed":
    Jack: Don't move you shape-shifting bitch!
    • And then when she protests she's not an alien:
    Jack: Yeah, and The Lone Ranger didn't have a thing for Tonto!
    • The proof that she's not an alien? The shape-shifter can't copy scent and Gwen would have recognized that god-awful perfume anywhere.
  • "Adrift":
    • All of the scene following Gwen walking in on Jack and Ianto's naked makeout session on a desk, particularly the naked hide-and-seek conversation. And, in the category of unintentional puns:
    Ianto: There's a package on your desk.
    • If you watch the background while Ianto delivers that line, you can see that Jack is already undressed again.
  • "Exit Wounds":
    Grim Reaper Looking Guy: Devils! Blasphemers! Pray to your heathen god, while in the Lord's name we cast you out!
    Ianto and Tosh open fire with hand-guns.
    Ianto: There we are then.
    Tosh: Sorted.

     Season Five: Aliens Among Us 

  • Changes Everything
    • Tyler assumes Colchester is a bigot, and that's why he hates him. Colchester is happy to inform him of the contrary: No, Colchester is gay and married, he just really doesn't like him.

  • Aliens & Sex & Chips & Gravy
    • The title. If you're not laughing at that, you have no sense of humour.
    • The way Madgrigal says "Booooozeee!"

  • Orr
    • Ng wondering if Orr can look like Idris Elba.
    • A lot of Orr's first interactions with the cast to be honest. Orr embarassing Colchester in front of everyone is a highlight.

  • Superiority Complex
    • Jack Harkness, posing as a barman makes a drink called A Jack Harkness.
    Jack: Everything's better with a Harkness inside you.

     Season Six: God Among Us 

  • The Man Who Destroyed Torchwood
    • Although it can sometimes be the very opposite, a few of Brent's frequent bizarro hallucinations are genuinely hilarious. Highlights Include:
      • John Barrowman playing Imagination!Jack as the most overly americanized cliche possible. All of his lines are angry southern yelling.
      • Imagination!Orr is Corr, a woman who's only personality trait is being objectified. It hilariously plays on what many initially thought Orr's character would be.
      • Imagination!Yvonne is a DEMURE SECRETARY. Tracy Ann Oberman kills it.
    • Not only that, some of Brent's political ideas and antics are just generally amusing until they get dark. He calls a Weevil a "Werevill" and believes all of the Sorvix to be method actors!!

  • Flight 405
    • EVERYTHING NORTON FOLGATE SAYS. This applies to all Norton episodes, but Norton, Andy and Yvonne are the best triple act concievable.

  • Another Man's Shoes
    • The Entirety of the Episode is for once, a comedy, and is absolutely hysterical.
    • Norton in Tyler's body.
    Tyler!Norton: I'm not Tyler. I'm a Sexy Giraffe!
    • Tyler in Norton's body, complaining about being short and desperately trying to stop Norton from going on a sex spree.
    • Norton and Tyler making out in a clothing store closet.
    • Jay. Lovely Jay.
      • Norton even tries proposing to him, a man he has just met. Jay's reaction is predictably hysterical.
    • Jack in Colchester's body trying to be as menacing as possible to procure a table that he had reserved, except it was under Colin's name not his. Bonus points for Jack going on about how Colchester's voice is a weapon and if he goes on in a "low inhuman rumble," maybe eventually he'll get a seat.
    • Jack insulting Colchester's body.
    Ng: Did you just call Mr. Colchester flabby?
    • Yvonne attempting over and over to pass a simple interview while in Andy's body. She does not comprehend that she isn't always the boss of every scenario, which leads to some funny results.
    • The entire episode is just the cast doing impressions of eachother, and honestly, all of them are quite good at it which adds to the humor.

  • Thoughts and Prayers
    • Orr says that she can sense "the love" Mr. Colchester and Colin had in the back of their car, in front of Ng.
    • Gods attempt to take back their powers from Orr involves making out with them furiously.
    • Tyler disguises himself as a Pizza Delivery Man to rescue Yvonne from house arrest.


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