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Quotes / Torchwood

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Before we go any further, who the hell orders pizza under the name of "Torchwood"?
Jack Harkness, "Everything Changes"

Owen: If it's someone we've pissed off that narrows it down to 4 or 5 million.
Jack: And that's just the humans.

Mobiles, landlines, tin cans with bits of string. Everything, absolutely everything. No more phones, phones all broken. [makes a phone gesture with his hand] Hello? Anybody there? NO, because the phones aren't working!
Ianto Jones, "They Keep Killing Suzie"

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Why is it that only Gwen seems to have a heart? I don't know if you've noticed but the rest of us are human and amazingly we still manage to get on with our jobs.
Owen Harper, "Random Shoes"

Gwen: [to an old lady walking in the street] Excuse me... Have you seen a blowfish driving a sportscar?
[The old lady points in direction of the blowfish alien]
Gwen: Thank you. [drives off]
Old lady: [muttering] Bloody Torchwood...
"Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang"

Jack: So, how was rehab?
John: Rehabs. Plural.
Jack: Drink, drugs, sex and...?
John: Murder.
Jack: [cracking up] You went to murder rehab?
John: I know, ridiculous. The odd kill! Who does it hurt?
Jack: You clean now?
John: Yeah, kicked everything. Living like a priest.
"Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang"

We don't sniff the sub etheric resonator!
Ianto Jones, "Sleeper"

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Tosh: You said we weren't allowed to use that again.
Jack: It's just a mind probe.
Ianto: Remember what happened last time we used it?
Jack: That was different. That species has extremely high blood pressure.
Ianto: Oh right. Their heads must explode all the time.
"Sleeper"

Owen: How'd you know that?
Ianto: I know everything! And it says so on the bottom of the screen.
"Sleeper"

Jack: All you did tonight was mess things up. Now we have to think of a way to get back in and thanks to you they'll have tightened security.
Rhys: Well, if you'd stopped and asked me exactly what I saw in there instead of showing off about the place-
Jack: [to Ianto] Do I show off?
Ianto: Just a bit.
Rhys: - you'd know that I got out by telling them I wanted a job as a delivery boy. So rather than cock things up I found you a way to get in. [getting right in Jack's face] But if you can't handle that, Big Boy, then you can stuff it!
Jack: [glances at Gwen] This is quite homoerotic.
— "Meat"

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I have searched for the phrase "I shall walk the Earth and my hunger shall know no bounds," but I keep getting redirected to Weight Watchers.
Ianto Jones, "Dead Man Walking"

Banana Boat: So do you fancy a little drink later?
Tosh: I'm sorry. I'm intolerant to vasoactive amines.
Banana Boat: Huh?
Tosh: Bananas make me vomit.
"Something Borrowed"

That's what I love about Torchwood. By day you're chasing the scum of the universe. Come midnight you're the wedding fairy.
Ianto Jones, "Something Borrowed"

Gwen: On your knees!
John: [sigh] Honestly, it's just sex, sex, sex, with you people.
"Exit Wounds"

Gwen: [mockingly] Oh my God, Severn Bridge. I'm going into England. Farewell forever.
Rhys: [mock-concerned] Good luck. Have you got currency?
Gwen: Yes, and I've had my injections.
"Children of Earth"

Rex: [aggravated] Now, what is this? Wait a minute, I've got to pay for this bridge? Goddamn Wales.
Rex Matheson encounters the Severn Bridge as well, "The New World"

Ianto: Don’t forget me.
Jack: Never could.
Ianto: A thousand years’ time... you won’t remember me.
Jack: Yes, I will. I promise, I will.
"Children of Earth"

Wales is insane.
Rex Matheson "Miracle Day: The New World"

Gwen: That was your last chance.
Lyn: Yeah? And what're you gonna do about it? If you're the best England's got to offer, then God help you.
Gwen: I'm Welsh. [punches her]
"Miracle Day: Rendition"

Lupa: You like Torchwood right?
Snob: Never heard of it. Is it pretentious?
Lupa: No, but it has lots of gay sex and a pterodactyl!
Snob: You're alright.
The Cinema Snob and Obscurus Lupa, in their review of The Asylum's Sherlock Holmes
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