Follow TV Tropes


Funny / Diamonds Are Forever

Go To

The Film

  • As Wint and Kidd begin their killing spree to close down the smuggling ring:
    (Helicopter explodes)
    "If God had wanted man to fly..."
    "...He would've given him wings, Mr. Kidd."
    (The two hold hands and practically skip away together)
  • Bond's introduction to one of the more ludicrously named Bond girls:
    "I'm Plenty."
    "But of course you are..."
    "Plenty O'Toole."
    "Named after your father, perhaps?"
  • "Well, I'm afraid you've caught me with more than my hands up."
  • Bond takes Plenty O'Toole up to his hotel room, only to find Blofeld's goons waiting for him. One of them throws Plenty out the window after she takes her clothes off, and she lands in the pool wearing nothing but her purple high heels and her pink panties - with Plenty protesting from start to finish as her sexual humiliation is played for laughs ("I've got friends in this town!").
    Bond: Exceptionally fine shot.
    Henchman (genuinely stunned): I didn't know there was a pool down there.
  • While Blofeld is demonstrating his laser: "As you can see, it's currently over Kansas. Of course, if we destroy Kansas, the world may not hear about it for years."
    • And then his suggestion that they destroy New York City because of all the smut and traffic and "give them a fresh start."
    • Then he finally settles on Washington D.C. "Since we have not heard from them, they shall hear from us."
    • When Bond shows up, Blofeld dryly states "Surely you haven't come to negotiate, have you? Your pitiful little island hasn't even been threatened."
  • The classic when Blofeld spots Tiffany with the copy tape stuck in her bikini bottom.
    Blofeld: Tiffany, my dear, we're showing a bit more cheek than usual, aren't we?
    (Tiffany sadly removes the cassette from her bikini bottom and hands it over to Blofeld.)
    Blofeld: (to the guards presently there) Take her below and lock her up with Mr. Bond.
    (The guards haul Tiffany to the cell below.)
    Blofeld: (resigned) What a pity. Such nice cheeks, too. If only they were brains.
  • Advertisement:
  • Bond's introduction to Bambi and Thumper.
  • When Bert Saxby tries to sneak up and shoot Will White, and is gunned down for his efforts:
    Bond: Saxby...
    White: Bert Saxby??
    Bond: Yeah.
    (Bond slowly turns, glancing straight at the camera)
  • Bond is trapped in a pipeline with a rat, after having accidentally covering himself in Mr. Wint's perfume. James, to the rat: "Well, one of us smells like a tart's handkerchief. [sniffs] I'm afraid it's me. Sorry, old boy."
  • Bond using the crane to turn Blofeld's "Batho-sub" into a wrecking ball.
    Blofeld: Lower! Not UP!
  • The transition from Slumber, Inc. to a much-needed hot bath for James Bond:
    Shady Tree: Where the hell do you think you're going?
    James Bond: I hear that the Hotel Tropicana's quite comfortable. My condolences, gentlemen!
    [Morton Slumber slams the lid of the now-charred casket in disgust. Cut to Bond in the hot tub while on the phone with Felix Leiter]
    James Bond: Hello, Felix. Oh, very comfortable.
  • Earlier, before James Bond departs for Slumber, Inc. in the mortuary hearse with the waiting black suits, Felix Leiter does a courtesy inspection of the body to be burned and can't for the life of him figure out where the diamonds are. After Bond tells him, he swaps the diamonds for some convincing phonies off-screen before authorizing the delivery of the cargo to Slumber, Inc.
    Felix Leiter: I give up. I know the diamonds are in the body, but where?
    James Bond: Alimentary, Dr. Leiter.
    • Fun fact: Albert R. Broccoli wanted that joke cut, because he thought people wouldn't get it, but he was persuaded to leave it in. At one screening, a group of people in the front row burst out laughing. Cubby's reaction: "Big deal, they're doctors".
  • "You don't just kill James Bond and wait for the cops to arrive!" Of course, Bond isn't really dead - he just placed his membership card to the Playboy Club onto a smuggler he was impersonating - but Tiffany's reaction is just priceless.
    • For that matter, the fact a small-time smuggler would know Bond's identity is hilarious (though understandable, given he constantly introduces himself by his real name).
  • When Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd trail Bond and Tiffany on the plane to Los Angeles, the latter quips "I must say, Miss Case seems quite attractive... for a lady." Wint turns to Kidd and gives a humorously disapproving look.
  • The "brother" scene, as James Bond, disguised as Mr. Franks, is taken to Slumber, Inc. by black suits under the employ of its funeral director, Morton Slumber.
    Hearse Driver: The, uh, stiff... [clears throat] the deceased back there... your brother, Mr. Franks?
    James Bond: Yes. He was.
    Random Black Suit: I've got a brother!
    James Bond: [smiling] Small world.
  • This subtle gem as Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd prepare their final attempt to kill an unsuspecting Bond and Tiffany with dinner aboard the cruise ship.
    Mr. Kidd: (After having timed a bomb inside a fake cake called a bombe) This will only take a few moments, and then we will leave you in peace.
  • Not to mention the clever method by which Bond smokes out the two assassins at the dinner service.
    Bond: The wine is quite excellent. Though for such a grand meal, I'd have rather expected a claret.
    Mr. Wint: Of course, sir. Unfortunately, our cellar is rather poorly stocked with clarets.
    Bond: Mouton Rotheschild is a claret. (Mr. Wint adjusts his bowtie) And I've smelled that aftershave before, and both times, I've smelled a rat.
  • While Bond is getting his briefing, he delivers a typical critique on the quality of the brandy being served - when he professes little knowledge on diamonds, M snorts "Refreshing to hear that there is one subject you're not an expert on!"
  • Shady Tree's Villainous Rescue of Bond, coming hard on the heels of a genuinely frightening near death moment for Bond is Mood Whiplash at its finest.
    [The lid to the casket 007 is roasting alive in cracks open and the Creepy Awesome Wagnerian music instantly cuts out, and the crankiest old fart you can imagine leans over and glares down at Bond]
    Shady: You dirty double-crossing Limey fink, those Goddamn diamonds are PHONIES!
    Bond: [gets up and sees Shady in front of him, not recognizing the face] Now, don't tell me — you're Saint Peter?
  • Shady Tree's demise. Wint and Kidd come to his dressing room and the old guy barks a self-aware lampshading of washed-up comedians everywhere....
    Wint: Shady Tree! [both walk down stairs into the dressing room] Shady, we just adored your act!
    Kidd: What taste, style!
    Wint: And we have just a few suggestions.
    Shady: Critics and material I don't need! I haven't changed my act in forty years!
    [then once the deed is done]
    Saxby: Hold it! Don't go in there! We didn't get the real diamonds, so we need Tree, alive.
    Kidd: That's most annoying.
  • The extended version of the above is itself darkly humorous. We actually see their suggestions, and they turn out to be rather lethal beneath their comic exteriors.
    Shady: Critics and material I don't need! I haven't changed my act in forty years!
    Kidd: Ah, but this one's surefire. [produces a water flower that squirts water]
    Shady: That's the oldest Go—
    Wint: And this one... will kill you. [produces a "Bang!" Flag Gun and fires it]
    Shady: Come on, fellas! The popping gun and squirting flower routine? You gotta be kidding me...
    [Wint fires a real bullet out of the gun into Shady's head, and Kidd uses the flower to clean up the mess]
    Kidd: Two's company, Mr. Wint.
    Wint: And Tree... was a crowd, Mr. Kidd.
  • Mr. Wint & Mr. Kidd. Sure; They may be genuinely ruthless, sadistic and effective assassins. Sure; They may be portrayed in a rather problematic fashion as a heavily-implied gay couple note . However; they're probably the most interesting, likeable and genuinely amusing thing in the entire movie. They look like clones of Rich Little and David Crosby and come off as something out of a Warner Bros. or Hanna-Barbera cartoon.
  • Bond to some pipeline workers on having just survived Wint and Kidd's second attempt on his life:
  • The ending. After Bond disposes of Wint and Kidd by splashing one with a flammable liquid and literally hoisting the other with his own petard, Tiffany has one question for Bond as they do some nighttime stargazing, referring to the satellite that was still in orbit at the time: "How the hell do we get those diamonds down, again?"
  • After escaping the testsite, Bond tells Tiffany that he's got a friend named Felix who can fix anything. She asks if he's married, to which Bond shoots her an annoyed glance.
    • Then they get pulled over by the cops:
    Tiffany: Relax, you've got a friend named Felix who can fix anything!
    Bond: Unfortunately, so can Willard Whyte.
  • In the Circus scene, there's a bit where a baby elephant walks up to a slot machine, pulls the lever, and then trumpets with delight when it wins a jackpot with triple elephants. It's so random it's hilarious.
  • Wint and Kidd observe Bond and Tiffany on the plane to America.
    Kidd: They're onboard. I must say, Miss Case is quite attractive. (Wint gives an unimpressed look) For a lady. (Kidd laughs, Wint still looks annoyed)

The Novel