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Creator / John Pinette

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John Paul Pinette (March 23, 1964 – April 5, 2014) was an American actor, Broadway performer, and stand-up comedian. He toured the comedy club circuit beginning in the 1980s and appeared in cinema and on television.

French-Irish comedian (his stomach was Italian). His jokes centered on his health, food, his travels, food, society, and food. Especially food. Also a talented singer.

...And for all that, he was probably best known as the carjacked fat guy in the series finale of Seinfeld.

Pinette died of a pulmonary embolism at a hotel in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania on April 5, 2014, just days after his 50th birthday.

Tropes associated with John Pinette:

  • Alcohol-Induced Idiocy: He makes really bad decisions when he drinks tequila.
  • Berserk Button: People who hold up food lines by taking too long to decide what to order (he notes that skinny people are particularly notorious offenders for this) or by being too chatty with the employees serving them (such as an old couple directly in front of him in line for ribs at a rib festival who basically told their whole life story to the rib guy and then asked him to tell his).
    John: I had a guy in front of me go "How big is a Small?" [Beat] It's small. The Smalls are small, the Mediums are medium, the Larges are large. If you have to ask how small a Small is, you're not hungry enough yet, come back later. Get outta the line!
  • Big Eater. Most of his jokes were about his love of food.
    • Lampshaded in the opening of "Still Hungry."
    • This bit him on the ass hard when he was able to take a trip to Italy. He relates how he knows how to say "Feed me, I'm starving" in multiple languages. At the restaurant in Italy, he busts out one... and the restaurateurs make damn sure he doesn't leave the table unsated (although from the way he described it, it seems that this is standard practice for restaurants in Italy).
      John: I said, "Can we order?" He said, "No. First, we gonna bring out-a some food."
      John: They brought out food for hours. We were fighting amongst ourselves. "Stop ordering, that's enough." "I didn't order this." "I didn't order this either." "They're just bringin' out stuff... LET'S GET OUTTA HERE!" We had a friend with us, Timmy. He was too skinny. We should have known, he shouldn't have come! Halfway through the meal, he died! And they kept on tryin' to feed him, they were smacking him, "WASSA MATTER, YOU DON'T LIKE IT?!" "He's dead! [beat] Pass that over here!"
  • Buffet Buffoonery: His"Chinese Buffet" routine features the third variety.
  • Can't Kill You, Still Need You: According to him, the only reason he didn't kill someone who waited ten weeks to tell him they were less than an hour's drive from Italy is because he needed directions.
  • Catchphrase:
    • "Oh, nay nay." Indicates sarcastic disapproval and rejection of an idea.
    • Also, in an Ewok-like voice: "Get outta the line!" for those who hold up food lines with indecisiveness, or random banter.
  • Circular Reasoning: When buying a new TV, he got into an argument with the employee insisting he also purchase the extended warranty for the TV, which went something like this:
    John: What do I need the extended warranty for?
    Employee: In case the TV breaks.
    John: If the TV's gonna break, then I'm not buying it!
    Employee: The TV isn't going to break, sir. This is one of our finest products.
    John: Then what do I need the extended warranty for?!
    Employee: In case the TV breaks!
    And so on, and so on.
    • This culminates in John getting so mad that he drags the employee out to the parking lot and beats the crap out of him (hopefully he was just making this up for Rule of Funny).
      John: (mimes standing on the employee's throat) What do I need an extended warranty for?
      Employee: We get a $100 bonus if you buy it!
      John: ....Well then, I'll take it. Let me help you up.
  • Crazy-Prepared: If what he said about knowing how to say "Feed me, I'm hungry" in more than two dozen languages is true, that's dedication. Even more so if he does indeed know the equivalent phrases from ancient, dead languages, which he says he does "just in case".
  • Disgusting Vegetarian Food: He described the vegan diet as buying loads of almonds and "mashing them into the shape of things they wish they could eat". Though he considered it moreso insane than disgusting.
    John: [crazy voice] "I'm making a pork roast..." [normal voice] NO YOU'RE NOT! IT'S ALMONDS! MUSHED TOGETHER! HAVE A CHEESEBURGER! YOU'RE LOSING YOUR MIND!
  • Fate Worse than Death: His reaction to finding out he had a gluten allergy, and being asked to avoid foods with gluten in them, was first "I don't know what gluten is". And then after finding that out, desperately pleading to the doctor "Check again! Maybe it's just cancer!"
  • Haggis Is Horrible: During a comedy tour in Scotland, he apparently was often served Haggis, with whiskey gravy. And the gravy wasn't merely one of "Is there whiskey in this?" but one that induced the urge to make drunken calls back to the U.S. asking for someone to pick him up and bring him home.
  • Horrible Camping Trip: Hates hiking and camping, for various reasons (mostly being so out-of-shape and deprived of modern conveniences).
  • Impact Silhouette: When seated in an exit row, he cracked to the flight attendant he wouldn't open the door in an emergency; he'd make his own door, and everyone else would want to use his door because it would be as big as he is.
  • Ironic Hell: When on an uncomfortably tiny plane waiting for his flight to start, the guy next to him starts talking about how nutrition is his hobby. John immediate conclusion is "the plane crashed, and you're in Hell, and Hell is spending forever on the runway in a little plane talking about nutrition."
  • No Indoor Voice: Tended to yell a lot on stage.
    "What has gluten in it?... EVERYTHING!!!"
  • Running Gag: Besides the various food related jokes, Pinette also had a number of others, including a all you can eat Chinese Buffet which apparently banned John from ever eating there again. Went up to eleven apparently when on a comedy tour in Scotland, he went into different buffet to escape another meal of haggis with whiskey gravy....
    Child of Chinese Buffet Owner: "FATHER!!! The Forbidden One has returned!!!"
    • Stores that insisted he take advantage of special deals or warranties he didn't need nor want.
      • Related: Stores that make you give them your name, address, etc. to enter into their computer instead of letting you just buy something and leave.
    • Also people who hold up lines.
    • "FREE WIRRY!"
  • Sanity Slippage: When tricked into going hiking, he starts to go insane, culminating in him sinnging Gollum's fishing song when finally at their destination.
  • Shout-Out: When he gets held up in a line, he starts snarling in Ewokese.
    • When hiking, he starts to think like Gollum.
    "They took away our Winnebago. That was my Precious!"
  • Toilet Humor:
    • While on an extended drive, John accidentally let a fart slip.
    "I had to start taking that Beano, because I was losing friends. I don't mean they didn't want to be my friend anymore, I mean I nearly killed two of my friends!"
    • He also mentioned one time he was in England and was served beans and black coffee for breakfast, then given a bumpy cab ride to "get him all churned up." He blew the doors off the taxi.
  • Wham Line: In the Circular Reasoning argument above, John notes that "If the TV's gonna break, then I'm not buying it" was this to the store employee selling him the TV.
    John: He looked like he'd seen a ghost. Nobody had ever said that to him before.
  • Wrong Restaurant: Had a routine about deliberately invoking this trope. After waiting in line for what seems like hours at an ice cream shop, getting angrier and angrier at everyone wasting time in front of him, he finally reaches the front of the line and decides to strike back. He orders an ice cream sundae with ham on it. "Oh, you don't have any ham? There's a supermarket next door. Go buy some."