Hero Critique Thread (Because it's about damn time for this too!):

Total posts: [1,177]
1 2 3 4 5 6 ... 48
Everyone here loves a good hero (PUT YOUR HAND DOWN LUNACORVA, IT'S OBVIOUS I'M COPYING YOUR INTRO, WE KNOW IT!). And being writers, many of us enjoy creating heroes of our own. But how well would these goodies stand up under the public eye? Well here's your chance to find out! Use the profile below to post your own personal heroes, then let the comments flow. Just remember to comment on someone else's goodie before posting your own.

Name: This is the square root of 42

Age: Ten thousand year old sorceror or something else? Take your pick (No you are not limited to just those two options)

Personality: That little thing that separates us from George Bush.

Abilities: What is it that makes him a threat?

Weaknesses: Because no one likes a Hero Sue

Goals: What does he want to accomplish?

Motivation: Everyone has a reason. (Although not necessarily a justification.)

Role in the story: What does he actually DO??

Backstory: This one's optional since there are some heroes (like some hero) who are far more effective when you know nothing about them.

Relevant Tropes: BECAUSE THIS IS TV TROPES DAMN IT!! (Sorry, forgot to change the template fully cool

edited 2nd Nov '12 3:17:16 AM by MacNasty

[up]You should modify that template a bit more since the "blanks" still refer to villain-y stuff.
3 FallenLegend1st Nov 2012 10:13:08 PM from Navel Of The Moon.
Craziest of all
Name: "Jessica" alias Justice

Age: 13

nationality Mexican

ethinicty: Latina

She currently looks like this (WIP) : prototype

Personality: She is very very carefree, irresponsable, lazy a bit tomboyish but femenine enough not be taken as a boy. She is very very idealistic to the point she could be mistaken to be naive. She believes in super hero/fairy tale kind of idealism.No matter how horrible is the situation she never loses that ever present optimism nor her genuine smile on her face... Well except when she is in Silent Fury mode...

Think of an Idiot Hero witouth being and idiot.The kind of person that easily becomes friends with anyone and definitively very very extroverted

Abilities: She is just an average girl ( not too pretty but definitively very friendly).

But in this story any human can get Charles Atlas Superpowers with Training from Hell. Really! She isnot even The Chosen One . She is also very very smart.But while she has the potential to be a Manipulative Bastard, she is too innocent, naive ,idealistic and nice to try it.

She is very smart but lacks the interest to any long term plans. Her smarts are similar to the doctor from Doctor Who but without all the studyng and facts (she is not a good student).

At the beginning almost anyone could kick her ass. But she will improve her fighting skills... For her own good

Weaknesses: She is a liar, too naive( and vulnerable to manipulation) , and almost an attention deficit. She is also unable to gain even a single drop of power without Training from Hell which is a disadvantage when your worst enemy is a The Chosen One goddess magical fairy...

She loves to eat but she is also very prone to get fat therefore getting out of shape and weaker.

Goals: Not to become a hero but a servant and a fisher of men and to prove thatlove is the answer for everything/ getting a Nakama

Motivation: She is too childish so in a sense she looks herself as a kind of superhero. she wants to be someone that helps others.

Role in the story: She is the main protagonist and she represents idealism and specially love as opposed to the main villain.

Backstory: She was a very selfish but very skilled thief. One day she did something very very bad but someone that she stole something took the blame for her, she realised that trying to be happy was not making her happy. Since then she is trying her best to be like that person

she is a very very poor mexican girl and she is working as a maid( but not as a cool Japanese maid with uniform) but as badly dressed, smelly child that does all the work at home. But surprisingly she is completely angst free and doesn't care. .

Relevant Tropes: Idiot Hero (minus the idiot part) , When She Smiles Determinator, The Power of Love ( in a realistic way) , Silly Rabbit, Idealism Is for Kids! ( or is it?), Brilliant, but Lazy

edited 1st Nov '12 10:45:01 PM by FallenLegend

Make your hearth shine through the darkest night; let it transform hate into kindness, evil into justice, and loneliness into love.
4 nrjxll1st Nov 2012 10:26:41 PM , Relationship Status: Not war
Idiot Hero (minus the idiot part)

Can you please clarify what this is supposed to mean?
5 FallenLegend1st Nov 2012 10:28:17 PM from Navel Of The Moon.
Craziest of all
[up]Think of luffy and Goku. She seems to be stupid but She is just naive simple minded/ lack of attention or being plainlyuninterested

I am talking about the personality/ behaviour usually associated with IdiotHeroes but without being an idiot.

edited 1st Nov '12 10:39:02 PM by FallenLegend

Make your hearth shine through the darkest night; let it transform hate into kindness, evil into justice, and loneliness into love.
6 Dimanagul2nd Nov 2012 09:04:27 AM from Pittsburgh, PA
Library of useless facts
[up][up][up] I like her. It's refreshing to have a 13 year old that well... is a 13 year old. Her concerns and troubles seem like a formula for success. As opposed to the standard 13 year old warrior princess.

Name: Derrek Graymer

Age: 22

Personality: Quiet, Contemplative, Honest

Abilities: Upon arrival to Pange, he finds that upon death he is sent back to the last. ‘Save point’ he passed. Usually denoted statues of Pange’s deity, the Goddess of Luck, The persisting memories are permanent and impossible to forget and can be reviewed and relieved by Derrek on command (and early on even when he doesn’t want to). Exposure to death, fatal wounds, and other things people often don’t live through increases his reaction times and priorities in dire situations. This improves his ability to make snap judgments exponentially.

Later in the story, he applies this to sword play, and while he never becomes a master in his own right, he becomes a defensive powerhouse. He’s immune to HARM from magic.

Weaknesses: Cowardly, Pessimistic, Decidedly average endurance and strength. He cannot use magic at all (While everyone else can.)

Goals: Get home, Not go insane.

Motivation: That people of Earth have caused so much trouble for Pange. He sincerely wants to set everything straight with the suns.

Role in the story: A mint drenched hobo It Makes Sense in Context named Richie strands Derrek in the country of Geldbane. Early on, he meets Naida Holderin, a swordswoman intent on protecting him, and Tartagin Tolten, a travelling priest a direct emissary of the Goddess to ensure he accomplishes his mission. He is informed that he (The Dimanagul: One without magic) is supposedly the one expected to be responsible for destroying the world. When he meets his counterpart, a talented magician by the name of Zammela Glemeis She is Beatriz Adakasin’s niece; and the new Managul. In Pange’s history, 90% of Managuls met their death at the hands of a Dimanagul., he realizes he is to work in tandem with her to stop the calamity.

He is told a hint by a woman that only visits him in his dreams names Zosime. “To save everything, you must destroy everything.” It’s fairly obvious, but Zosime (meaning Survivor.) is the Goddess. Zosime’s not really a goddess at all but the female Dimanagul from Ancient Greece, manipulating the world into thinking she’s the Goddess of Luck, Tyche. She’s really just making her own luck. The Goddess’ plan is to destroy all the ‘extra’ timelines by letting the world end there, while saving the one Derrek is present in.

Derrek, being African American, resembles someone hailing from Dendarg, a southern desert country home to a warrior race that recently trounced Geldbane in war. Naida is inherently racist against Dendarg and doesn’t accept his explanation of not being from there easily.

He is led to Agellas the city of water through both the suggestion of Naida and the guidance of Tartagin. There he finds answers and a means of preventing the impending calamity.

Derrek also picks up on details of his predecessor, a man named Clayton Cobb While Derrek finds that Clayton died 10 years ago, Clayton arrived in Pange in the year 1933. When time resets, it does not rewind for our world. Clayton Cheated death a lot. He pieces together that Clayton killed the last Managul, despite being her lover. This leads Derrek to believe that Clayton had to kill Beatriz to save the world. Total BS. The Dimanagul is merely a battery of power to the Managul. While Beatriz was head strong, morally ambiguous, and a glory hound, she was genuinely trying to save the world.

Because Clayton and he are not related in any way, he doesn’t think anything of the possibility that Beatriz is Zam’s Aunt. The Managul is a true ChosenOne vs. Derrek’s ‘the random schmuck that came through.

Derrek helps Zammela halt the destruction of Agellas (and Pange for that matter) …but they just played right into the Goddess’ plan. By ‘saving’ Agellas they set the gears in motion an impending calamity that will destroy every existing timeline, except one.

Backstory: Very little is told about Derrek initially. He’s from our world, a student of Architecture, and from a peaceful time He’s from the year 2045. Like Pange, his home has issues with dwindling natural resources and is used to being frugal and travelling by foot (not to the extreme he has to endure in Pange though).

Relevant Tropes: HeroWithBadPublicity HeroicResolve Giving up means literal death in the face of death. {{ Ignorant of the Call}} SheWillComeForMe Re:Naida {{ The World's Expert on Getting Killed}} lol. Just read chapter 1.

edited 2nd Nov '12 9:09:54 AM by Dimanagul

All Heroes die. Some just more than others. http://dimanagul.wordpress.com
7 dRoy2nd Nov 2012 12:05:17 PM from The Happy Place , Relationship Status: A cockroach, nothing can kill it.
Perpetually clueless
Think of luffy and Goku. She seems to be stupid but She is just naive simple minded/ lack of attention or being plainlyuninterested

In this thread, it is better to assume that people are not familiar with Japanese media.
Mother of god...You turned one of the hardest and best Champions into an absolute joke. - Zelenal
8 FallenLegend2nd Nov 2012 01:40:36 PM from Navel Of The Moon.
Craziest of all
[up]I am only familiar with Dragon Ball Z tongue

edited 2nd Nov '12 1:45:44 PM by FallenLegend

Make your hearth shine through the darkest night; let it transform hate into kindness, evil into justice, and loneliness into love.
9 Masterofchaos2nd Nov 2012 02:36:03 PM from the void , Relationship Status: In Lesbians with you
its john and abieyuwa! by peat

He seems like a really cool hero. Also, your story seems pretty interesting too.

I'll do my protagonist possibly later.

Name: Adam Maroon

Age: 14

Personality: Diagnosed with IPD (Immature Personality Disorder), he acts younger than he really is. However, he is also very kind, intelligent, and likes to make new friends.

Abilities: He has no powers. However, he carries around a neon bow and arrow (made by Jackson Ruth) that he uses to defend himself. He never uses it to kill anybody, only injure. He also carries around a medical kit to take care of injuries.

Weaknesses: He is easily scared.

Goals: To help Nick find his father, and find his parents as well.

Motivation: After being rescued by Nick, he decides to join the search to find Thomas Riverson (Nick's father) as a way of thanking him. He also wishes to find his parents along the way.

Role in the story: He is the second most important character.

Backstory: Adam was born in Augusta, Georgia, with two rich parents named Andrea and George Maroon. He also had an older, adopted brother named Nathan. He seemed to live a pretty good life...until, under mysterious circumstances, both of his parents vanished, leaving Nathan to take care of him.

At the age of fourteen, he and his brother moved down to Atlanta to start a new life. Later that night, he is attacked by a strange woman, and is later saved by Nick Riverson. After learning his story, and how it was eerily similar to his, he decides to help Nick find his dad, hoping to find his parents as well.

Relevant Tropes: Nice Guy, Spoiled Sweet, Teens Are Short, Heterosexual Life-Partners (with Nick), and I Owe You My Life

edited 2nd Nov '12 2:36:27 PM by Masterofchaos

10 Dimanagul2nd Nov 2012 03:38:37 PM from Pittsburgh, PA
Library of useless facts

Thank you. And on your character, I love writing immature geniuses. It's really satisfying to when the other characters involved realize the true worth of someone after spending time with them / getting their ass saved by them.

A great deal of people are too worried about being Sue-ish when making a likable character, but if they're well thought out and truly likable that fear goes right out the window.

In my eyes what makes this kind of character impressive is when they grow and thrive despite their shortcomings, rather than it shaping them and being 'oh poor me!'

Color me impressed. :)

Re: Fallen Legend:

Think of luffy and Goku. She seems to be stupid but She is just naive simple minded/ lack of attention or being plainlyuninterested I am talking about the personality/ behaviour usually associated with Idiot Heroes but without being an idiot.

I think they did a fair job of both pointing out the base of their point without completely relying on the examples. The two examples were simply presented as a clarification for those that are familiar with them. This is TV Tropes after all and both examples are mentioned front and center in the mentioned article.

I could understand if they just said: "Like Luffy or Goku but not actually stupid."

edited 2nd Nov '12 3:43:39 PM by Dimanagul

All Heroes die. Some just more than others. http://dimanagul.wordpress.com
11 Yomegami2nd Nov 2012 03:57:26 PM from out of nowhere
Sanely Insane
[up][up]I'm not seeing a lot to complain about here. He could use a little more "flesh," as I see your description of him looks a little barebones. Possibly some more weaknesses?

Anyway. Time to run my most well-developed protagonist/hero/whatever through this.

Name: Rachel Pahlke

Age: 19

Personality: Rachel is mostly a nice person. She tends to worry a lot, but when the situation calls for it she can be surprisingly sane and rational. She has an odd liking for H.P. Lovecraft, and other works of the sort.

Abilities: Pre-infection, Rachel's no more powerful then any other human. Even after she's completely infected and transformed, she still gets the short end of the stick as far as virus-granted abilities go. As an Infected, she's a little stronger than a normal human thanks to the P-virus's tendency to increase muscle mass and tone, as well as sporting a nice set of Wolverine Claws. Like all P-virus Infectees, she's also capable of spreading the virus through bodily fluids (e.g. saliva).

Weaknesses: She cannot fight at all, despite being a P-virus infectee. Her infection also reduced her thumbs to vestigial stubs, so she's nowhere near as dexterous as a normal human and can be very clumsy in certain situations. She's also convinced that the P-virus is somewhat sentient and is trying to convince her to be a monster, when everyone else sees the virus for what it actually is. As previously mentioned, she tends to worry a lot, and due to her condition has a fair bit of trouble socializing.

Goals: Survive the P-virus outbreak, and find a cure for her condition if that's possible.

Motivation: Survival, a desire to return to some sort of normality.

Role in the story: Rachel is the protagonist. Not the hero, but the protagonist.

Backstory: Rachel had a fairly normal life up until the P-virus outbreak. Then her father, who previously was strict but still fairly kind, went bonkers and became a Crazy Survivalist. When Rachel becomes Infected, he tries to kill her, but she escapes from the house with some assistance from her mother. After running for some time, she finds a place to stop, and eventually is come upon by The Heroine, Selena Rogers, and her boyfriend Robert. Seeing no other recourse, the other two let her come along for the ride.

Relevant Tropes: C & P'd from the CDT Characters Page, because I'm lazy (with some tropes added).
  • Actual Pacifist: She detests violence, partly because she finds it repulsive and partly because, as an Infected, she believes that violence is a gateway to completely losing one's mind to the P-virus. It's sort of ironic, since the virus gave her a rather impressive set of claws that are just begging to be used for that purpose.
  • Creepy Long Fingers: While her fingers are actually the same length as an uninfected human's, the fact that they're all tipped with 1 1/2 inch claws (besides her thumbs, which are vestigial stubs) definitely invokes the effect.
  • Cute Zombie Girl: If one looks past her claws, anyway.
  • Dying Like Animals: Is a mild example of a Rat. While she's obviously an Infected, she tries to hide it from normal people and will only admit to it if pressed/someone notices her traits that are obviously not normal and comments on them.
  • Eerie Pale-Skinned Brunette: Her black hair is a result of her Japanese ancestry; her pale skin is a result of the P-virus.
  • Fantastic Slur: "Zombie" is used as an insult to P-virus infectees who weren't mentally affected. Rachel isn't quite as insulted by the term as others of her kind are; actually, she isn't above using the term to refer to herself when speaking with people unfamiliar with the P-virus.
  • Green Eyes: A very pale, sickly-looking shade of green - yet another oddity resulting from the P-virus.
  • Natural Weapon: Her claws, not that she would actually use them as a weapon.
  • Our Zombies Are Different: She's a 28 Days Later-style viral infected who, besides the obnoxiously large claws on her fingers and smaller claws on her toes, as well as the lack of thumbs, otherwise looks like a normal teenager who's rather sickly. She refers to herself and other zombies like her as "Infected," although she's not above calling the usual variety (or herself, for that matter) "zombies."
  • Tainted Veins: Well, not "tainted" per say. More like "extremely visible veins," since the P-virus made her skin very pale. They're most noticeable around her wrists and ankles.
  • Viral Transformation: What the P-virus did to her.
  • Wolverine Claws: Her claws - each of them are an inch and a half in length and resemble a straightened version of an eagle's talons. She has a claw on each of her fingers apart from her (vestigial) thumbs. They aren't made of metal - rather, they're keratin based since they used to be her fingernails before Rachel was infected.
  • Zombie Infectee: See Dying Like Animals.
Father, Father, Father, help us, send some guidance from above;
Because people got me, got me questioning: Where is the love?
12 nrjxll2nd Nov 2012 06:14:20 PM , Relationship Status: Not war
@d Roy: I bow to no one in my dislike for anime/manga Fan Myopia, but I was able to understand Fallen Legend perfectly. This
She seems to be stupid but She is just naive simple minded/ lack of attention or being plainlyuninterested
is a pretty clear explanation with or without examples.
13 dRoy2nd Nov 2012 06:23:33 PM from The Happy Place , Relationship Status: A cockroach, nothing can kill it.
Perpetually clueless
@nrj - I have to admit that what came after the examples slipped past my notice.
Mother of god...You turned one of the hardest and best Champions into an absolute joke. - Zelenal
14 Matrix2nd Nov 2012 06:56:52 PM from The Matrix, Canada , Relationship Status: In Lesbians with you
quidf scire vis?
Hmm, I'll do the main character of Edgestuck here, I guess.

Name: Krozu Kiragara

Age: 11 virui (About 14 years)

Personality: She is upbeat and excitable, somewhat absent-minded, but later on becomes more irritable and aggressive.

Abilities: As an electric maja, she can fire electricity around and run very quickly, and as the Sylph of Storms she gains further electrical power, flight, and a knack for dealing with chaotic situations and people

Weaknesses: She likes to be at the forefront of things and doesn't like accepting help from others.

Goals: At first she doesn't really want to play SKRAN and would rather just enjoy her birthday, but after starting the game realizes that she has to play, and so completing the game becomes her goal. After reaching the God Tiers, she has visions in the clouds of Skaia that shift her goals to the preservation of her native reality via the summoning of an extremely powerful being.

Motivations: Have fun with this game she can't escape playing. Later on, the prevention of her native reality being subsumed by Paradox Space.

Role in the Story: As the Sylph of Storms, she deals with chaotic situations like people trying to kill eachother.

edited 2nd Nov '12 6:58:22 PM by Matrix

15 Masterofchaos2nd Nov 2012 07:03:26 PM from the void , Relationship Status: In Lesbians with you
its john and abieyuwa! by peat
Thanks for the reviews, Yomegami and Dimanagul.


I love Rachel so much. I especially love her abilities. I want to read your story soon.

[up] Remember to critique the characters above you.

But I'll give you a critique. It would be nice if you elaborated more on her bio. Also, it would also be nice to know her backtsory, and know her origins, how she got her powers, and why she becomes more aggressive later on.

16 TeraChimera2nd Nov 2012 09:02:16 PM from somewhere out there
Cool Celtic Composition
Here goes nothing.

Name: Xavier Sunyo

Age: 622

Personality: He's mostly on the quiet, nice side. He prefers a relatively simple life and doesn't want to get caught up in adventures. He wants to avoid confrontation, even if it hurts him. His temper is a little short, but not too bad, and he rarely explodes.

Abilities: Various magical abilities, including flight and minor elemental control. When focused, he has very precise control over these abilities, but not on a large scale.

He has some experience as a tya'enkedral, essentially someone with severely downplayed Implausible Fencing Powers. Not that this matters much in the age of guns and explosives.

He's good at reading body language, and can usually tell when someone is lying, although it is possible for him to be tricked this way.

As a professor of arcanoarchaeology, he has a fairly large background in magical theory, history, ancient cultures, and languages.

Weaknesses: He has low self-esteem and doesn't seem to realize that surviving the situations he does means there's more to him than he thinks.

He has little to no combat experience. Getting caught in a fight can easily stress him to the point where it's difficult to use magic, and he can get shaken when he has to kill someone. Also, don't give him a gun and expect him to hit a smallish target.

He tends to have some trouble thinking outside the box, but he's getting better at this.

Later on, he loses an eye, significantly reducing his field of vision and causing him to get slightly depressed about this (it's not too long before his depression goes away).

As a reptile, cold temperatures affect him significantly more than they would humans.

Goals: Not get caught up in the situations he does. When that's not an option, survive.

Motivation: During his normal life, he wants to study ancient cultures. Otherwise, he wants to keep living.

Role in the story: Protagonist.

Backstory: He's a chimera, a dragonlike Witch Species that started hiding from humans about 15000 years ago due to a particularly devastating war and xenophobia. The masquerade broke about forty years ago, in the 1960s. Now, he's a professor of arcanoarchaeology at Whitefish University.

Relevant Tropes: Action Survivor, Classical Antihero, Our Dragons Are Different (but don't call him that), Heroic Neutral, Adventurer Archaeologist (even though he doesn't want to be), eventually Knight in Sour Armor.
"The Uncertainty Principle isn't about uncertainty and it isn't a principle; other than that, it's perfectly named." — David Van Baak
17 Bisected83rd Nov 2012 09:02:49 AM from Her Hackette Cave , Relationship Status: In another castle
Maximum sadness
@Tera Chimera: He seems like a pretty good example of the old "wise, immortal dragon" archetype. I like the way you'd made him calm and disciplined without being a Marty Stu level stoic.

Name: Uly Coombs

Age: 18

Personality: Not very tomboyish, despite her rather androgynous appearance (draft design and outfit). She has interests in engineering and keeps her hair short (and held back with safety goggles) for that reason, but other than that her interests are as masculine/feminine as you'd expect from a woman of her age (reading romance novels being her main hobby, although she likes historical fiction too). She's rather prone to jumping to conclusions and not letting go of them until faced with overwhelming evidence. Her mother was a soldier, but she's far from a military brat; they moved once in her entire life

Abilities: Quite well educated (about an A and B student by current standards), broad knowledge of technological matters. An implant she was given on being born prematurely (which releases several drugs and various chemicals) to prevent brain damage had the side effect of making her very good at understanding languages (and causing some of her naturally auburn hair to turn a deeper shade of rednote ) and she speaks quite a few. Proficient with her "solenoid pistol"; a small projectile weapon which uses magnets to fire steel bolts.

Weaknesses: Prone to assumptions, lacks a thorough understanding of mechanics, so she can only cobble together the old machines she finds and discard broken components (hence she also can't repair the vehicle that crashed without the help of the driver who dies in the second act, naturally). She's also a deconstruction of the Badass Bookworm; apart from her pistol, she can't use any weapons (the player can draw a secondary weapon for a bit of extra firepower or a melee weapon to save ammo, but she's clumsy with both. Think along the lines of Shadow of the Colossus and how well Wander can use his bow compared to his sword) and isn't very athletic (she gets most of her exercise walking around a workshop), relying on the power of her salvaged technology to protect herself.

Goals: To escape the ruins, reconcile with her family and get into university to study engineering (in that order). Whether she succeeds on the latter depends on the middle which in turn depends on how the player goes about the former (if the player explores enough she'll have an epiphany and make amends with her sister at the end, if not she'll be snubbed at the end, cross the Despair Event Horizon and give up).

Motivation: She feels guilty about running away from her parents. Doubly so on her younger sister. Not dying in the middle of some ancient ruins would be nice, too.

Role in the story: Uly's stranded in the middle of some 2200 era ruins after her ride crashes on the way to meet with her family (who she's been estranged from for the last 2 years after running away).

Backstory: Born 2343 AD on the 19th of December to a salvage expert (father) and a soldier (mother)note  at a research hospital that the former once worked at in a colony/country neither parent had citizenship in. She was born prematurely and given a brain implant to force parts of it to develop quickly in order to prevent brain damage, this had the side effect of causing some of her hair to be red(er) than the rest. She was discharged on February the 15th and considers this her actual birthday (on the basis she couldn't have survived prior to that point).

Her younger sister was born in 2355 and looks up to her. 2 years prior to the game she ran away from home; She wanted to go on an archaeological dig to improve her chances of getting into university, her parents assumed she wanted to make a career out of it (she didn't) and tried to talk her out of it, since "salvage archaeology" was becoming unviable for someone her age to make a lifelong career out of. She got angry and just left after leaving a letter.

Wanting to reconcile after the dig was complete, Coombs is stranded while travelling through the ruins to where her mother's old unit is stationed (they're expecting her; the guy in charge of the dig happened to be friends with the general, who in turn knew Uly as a child) in the hope of finding someone who can help her get back in contact. Unbeknown to her her sister's enlisted (following in their mother's footsteps) and already stationed there..

Relevant Tropes: Wrench Wench, Badass Bookworm (downplayed), Hollywood Cyborg (by virtue of a brain implant), Cunning Linguist, Gadgeteer Genius, Goggles Do Nothing (well they do, but she mostly wears them to keep her hair out of her eyes), Adventurer Archaeologist (neither of which she actually wants to be), Heart Container (various things which remind her of home give her a larger stamina bar, by virture of increasing her will to survive), Tomboy (downplayed; she only looks like one), Ambiguous Gender/Bifauxnen (not caring about this is where her tomboy status begins and ends).

edited 3rd Nov '12 9:05:32 AM by Bisected8

18 Eagal3rd Nov 2012 11:01:20 AM from This is a location. , Relationship Status: Waiting for Prince Charming
This is a title.
Uly Coombs. How do you pronounce that?

Hehe. Flowers.

Brain surgery on a premie? Sounds dangerous...

Overall pretty groovy. Ten points for you.


Zap!! Zap!! Zaaaaaap!!

edited 1st Aug '17 5:01:18 PM by Eagal

The madness is catching.
19 Bisected83rd Nov 2012 11:55:12 AM from Her Hackette Cave , Relationship Status: In another castle
Maximum sadness
@Eagal: "Yew-Lee" (her sister used to pronounce it "Ooo-Lee"), same relationship to Ulysses/Ulyssia that Chris has to Christopher/Christine.

Thanks for the feedback. waii
@Eagal. He gives me a somewhat bland feel, but it steems more from not knowing the context. Is he the only voice of reason? Does he suffer his peers teasing? A big risk when writing supers -specially capes- is they coming as too righteous or stuck up. However I give you a lot of credit for making an speedster that is n't a trickster, a clown, suffers attention deficit or hiperactivity.
Forgive me for not being a walking stereotype. Saint Ryouga
21 RedneckRocker3rd Nov 2012 02:31:33 PM from None Of Your Business
First Loyalty: Yourself
Call-Sign: Spartan

Real Name: Perseus "Perry" Anasklumos

Age: 35

Personality: Off the battlefield, Perry's rather relaxed, upbeat and friendly (think Elan from Order Of The Stick). During training sessions or in combat, however, Perry's practically a Vulcan. It's as though there's an on/off switch in his brain.

Abilities: Extensive training as a Marine, highly skilled swordsman and training specialist. Essentially, when drill sergeants wanna scare each other, they tell stories about Perry.

Weaknesses: Perry's a bit of a perfectionist, not only towards himself and his work, but with teammates as well. It can get a bit grating at times.

Goals: His story takes place in a semi-cyberpunk setting loosely based on Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots. He and the rest of his team are simply trying to keep the world from falling into "Endless Warzone" mode.

Motivation: Upon realizing that most PM Cs in the setting (2055) have only training via their upgrades (primarily cybernetics and nanomachines), he has realized, like others, that "games" are no match for real-world experience. So, he and the others are simply trying to help get soldiers back to their roots (so to speak).

Role in the story: Perry's primarily the Big Guy of his team when on the field. He also acts as a trainer to help the others stay up-to-date with their skills.

Backstory: Born in 2020, after getting through Marine Recon school at the top of his class, Perry briefly worked with the PMC known as Lycan during their involvement in the Berlin Conflict of 2044. During that time, he had encounters with a "freelance" group of mercenaries calling themselves the Black Market, who had defected from their PM Cs, and gone "off the radar" with the goals stated above. Since then, he's been part of a Five-Man Band within the band. (With most of the Black Market members, I just like to keep the bare minimum when it comes to their origins).

Relevant Tropes:
  • Cool Sword: Technically, he carries a collapsible high-frequency chokuto, but still . . .
  • Drill Sergeant Nasty: Ask the people who've gone through his training if they'd rather A). Retake the course, or B). Crawl on their stomachs through broken glass in a desert. They'll hit the ground before you finish the question.
  • Cold Sniper: Even though he's not actually a sniper, he has this attitude in battle.
  • Berserk Button: Threaten a child in front of him, and you'll find out how many limbs you can lose before you black out and/or die.
  • Badass Biker: Perry relies on a motorcycle for transport most of the time.

I'll try to figure out what other tropes are appropriate, but these are the ones that occur most often.

edited 11th Nov '12 1:18:58 PM by RedneckRocker

Embroiled in slave rebellion, I escaped crucifixion simply by declaring 'I am Vito', everyone else apparently being called 'Spartacus'.
22 Eagal3rd Nov 2012 05:02:26 PM from This is a location. , Relationship Status: Waiting for Prince Charming
This is a title.

edited 1st Aug '17 5:01:51 PM by Eagal

The madness is catching.
23 Masterofchaos3rd Nov 2012 06:30:59 PM from the void , Relationship Status: In Lesbians with you
its john and abieyuwa! by peat

His call sign is awesome, man.

I don't have anything to complain about him, which is good.

Now to whip out my protagonist. I'll make Jackson's later.

Name: Nick Riverson

Age: 16

Personality: Impulsive, stubborn, and a bit of a smartass (especially around adults and Jackson). However, he does genuinely care about his friends and family, and is willing to protect them at all cost.

Abilities: He carries around a small handgun, and later on, gets metal gloves that is able to break through metal, stone, and steel (made by Jackson).

Weaknesses: Aside from his impulsive attitude, he also has White Knight tendencies, being so dead on set on protecting everyone close to him (especially to his sister and Adam). Not only does it annoy the hell out of Adam, who doesn't want people to protect him because it makes him feel like he's a burden, it almost gets him killed later on in the story.

Goals: To find his father before The Chaos does.

Motivation: After rescuing Adam, and learning that the strange woman was part of a group who's been chasing his father since he was seven, he decides to go out to learn the truth.

Role in the story: The protagonist.

Backstory: In 2008, Nick's life changed dramatically. When he was seven, his father, Thomas Riverson, left home without an explanation, and a day after that, he loses his little brother Micheal in a car accident. Fast forward to the year 2015. Now at the age of sixteen, his father's disappearance and his brother's death still lingers in his mind, and he has a complicated relationship with his mother. He also now has a little sister named Jasmine, who he loves dearly and his determined to protect.

One night, he rescues Adam from a strange woman trying to kill him. Later on, he finds out that woman was working for a group called The Chaos, who was searching for his father for years. They wanted him to "pay" for something that happened when Nick was young. Now determined to know the truth, Nick goes out to search for his father.

Relevant Tropes: Determinator, Hot-Blooded, White Knight (deconstructed), Big Brother Instinct, Heterosexual Life-Partners (with Adam), Vitriolic Best Buds (with Jackson), and The Gunslinger

edited 3rd Nov '12 6:33:06 PM by Masterofchaos

24 TrollPost3rd Nov 2012 06:51:24 PM from troll post crusher
25 Masterofchaos3rd Nov 2012 06:58:57 PM from the void , Relationship Status: In Lesbians with you
its john and abieyuwa! by peat

edited 3rd Nov '12 7:03:28 PM by BestOf

Total posts: 1,177
1 2 3 4 5 6 ... 48