- Episode I: The Phantom Plotline — Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi rescue a spoiled, underage queen against her will, dragging a remarkably resilient frogman and an annoying child into their convoluted search for a narrative. Read the first chapter here.
- Episode II: Game of Clones — Anakin hits puberty in a big way, and generally ruins everything with his lightsaber, and his lightsaber. Padmé has trouble getting anyone to take her seriously, and Obi-Wan gets horribly lost trying to find a coherent narrative that remains elusive. Eventually they are drawn into a confrontation with Lord Saruman—I mean, Count Dooku.
- Episode III: Everybody Dies — Anakin's concerns with Coruscant's healthcare system lead him to murder everyone. Palpatine becomes Emperor on a platform of free healthcare and chewing the scenery. Also there's some guy named Grievous, but who cares?
- Episode IV: A New Whiner — Poor Obi-Wan's peaceful retirement is put on hold so he can babysit another whiny Chosen One, only this time he can finally die.
- Episode V: The Sith Hits the Fan — Vader fucks everybody's shit up. Luke chills in a swamp with the last living Jedi, who has gone hopelessly senile. Han and Leia search for the last black guy in the galaxy.
- Episode VI: Ewok This Way — Han and Leia go Metal Gear Solid on a bunker with some teddy bears, while Luke finally confronts the asshole responsible for every bad thing in this entire franchise, while getting in some quality father/son time.
- Episode XMAS: A Sithmas Carol — On Life Day Eve, the Force Ghosts of Yoda, Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi pay Darth Sidious a visit to show him the error of his ways.
- Dork Empire — Palpatine's back, he has a really big space gun, nobody gives a shit, and Luke and Leia finally realize they were meant for each other.
- Episode VII: The Force Mistaken — TBD
- Trekking Balls — Kirk, Spock, and the other ones explore new worlds where everything looks like papier-mâché rocks in front of a matte painting, and seek out new civilizations where everyone looks like human beings wearing ridiculous outfits.
- Star Trek: The Motionless Picture — Kirk gets his crew back together whether they want it or not, so they can all find new and interesting things to stare at.
- Star Trek II: Trek Harder — The crew treks harder than ever before, because that one guy from that one episode is back to kick ass and chew scenery, and he’s all out of scenery!
- Star Trek III: The Search for Sequels — Look, we all knew Spock wasn’t going to stay dead. Oh and then Klingons happen.
- Star Trek IV: Humpbacks to the Future — Spock and Kirk learn a very important lesson about species conservation, irony, and friendship.
- Star Trek: The Reiteration — A new ship (with the same name) and a new crew (with the same problems) boldly go where no one has gone before. …again.
- Star Trek V: The Final Straw — This is it. No more Star Trek. That's the last one.
- Star Trek VI: Here We Go Again — Okay, I lied. Kirk and Spock lurch out of their wheelchairs to stop a pirate from ruining Space Glasnost, and Spock flips the fuck out.
- Star Trek: Deep Spaced Out — Commander Sisko teaches a race of Jell-O people and their army of lizard men why you don’t fuck with humanity.
- Star Trek's Degeneration — Kirk and Picard enjoy a nice relaxing horseback ride while their franchise deflates around them.
- Star Trek: Herpaderp — Star Trek gets Lost (both IN SPACE! and figuratively) as a bunch of people nobody cares about try to find their way—ooh look at Seven of Nine’s tits.
- Star Trek With a Vengeance — Picard realizes he’s Bruce Willis and the Borg are all Alan Rickman.
- Star Trek: Poor Reception — Picard defends some space hippies from some condom-headed bad guys and gets some poon.
- Star Trek: Rigor Mortis — Much like A Good Day to Die Hard, a bad dude enacts an unnecessarily convoluted plan for stupid reasons, an aging bald man does things he really shouldn’t, and a bunch of armed and combat-trained men prove really bad at shooting an aging bald man.
- A Failed Enterprise — 150 years before Kirk, Captain What’s-His-Face and whomever set out on a bold exploratory mission in search of anybody who gives a shit.
- Star Trek: Dead Parent Edition — A different Kirk and Spock shoot things at other things to stop a crazy Romulan who wants to shoot everything. Also there are titties.
- Star Trek Into Uranus — Kirk and Spock can’t get their heads out of each other’s asses before a BRAND NEW VILLAIN who is TOTALLY NOT KHAN fucks their shit up. Also there are titties.
The Wary Pooter Series
- Wary Pooter and the Phenomenal Stench — Wary is taken away from a life of systematic child abuse and placed into an arguably more hazardous environment: Hogsnorts, the most dangerous school in the entire world. With his newfound friends Wrong Wheezy and Yerwhiny Ginger, he finds that learning takes a back seat to merely surviving (and finding the source of the mysterious smell that seems to permeate the school).
- Wary Pooter and the Chamber of Sewage — Wary and friends wonder why in the hell Hogsnorts has four houses—Drippindork, Ravingclod, Shufflestuff and Slickerthan—when Slickerthan is so obviously evil. Shit gets real when someone opens the secret, evil chamber left behind by Slickerthan’s oddly toilet-obsessed founder.
- Wary Pooter and the Picnicker of Asskaboom — The Ministry of Magic can’t figure out why inmates of their impregnable maximum-security wizard prison, Asskaboom (which is guarded by the absent-minded Dummentals), keep wandering off. Wary meets his sketchy “uncle” Serious Plaque, Wrong regrets changing clothes in front of his pet rat, and Yerwhiny gets timey-wimey.
- Wary Pooter and the Hormones on Fire — When Hogsnorts hosts the Try-Not-to-Die Tournament against Wurmstrangle and Boobatons, Wary discovers he likes Asian chicks, Wrong and Yerwhiny desperately try to escape the adolescent sexual tension strangling them both, and some guy named Farty Crotch kills Edward with the Really Stupid Plot Twist spell.
- Wary Pooter and the Odour of the Penis — Wary meets a dippy hippy chick named Tuna Lovewood and finally gets to second base with Sho Thang. He spends the rest of his school year being a whiny nuisance to everyone around him. Oh, also the Dark Lord Moldywart is back and some people die. But more importantly, Harry is sad.
My Favourite Things
- The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
- All-Star Superman
- This Book Is Full Of Spiders: Seriously, Dude, Don't Touch It
- Brawl in the Family
- Cold Days
- Dead Beat
- Death Masks
- The Editing Room
- Going Postal
- Grave Peril
- Hark A Vagrant
- The Hundred and One Dalmatians
- John Dies at the End
- To Kill a Mockingbird
- Making Money
- Men at Arms
- Skin Game
- Superman: Red Son
- Arsenic and Old Lace
- Avatar The Last Airbender
- The Avengers
- The Babadook
- Batman: Assault on Arkham
- The Cabin in the Woods
- Captain America: The Winter Soldier
- Chicken Run
- Marvel’s Daredevil
- The Dark Knight
- Don't Hug Me I'm Scared
- The Emperors New Groove
- Epic Rap Battles of History
- Game Grumps
- Grave Encounters
- Gravity Falls
- Guardians of the Galaxy
- How the Grinch Stole Christmas!
- How to Train Your Dragon
- The Incredibles
- The Iron Giant
- Iron Man
- Iron Man 3
- Kingsman: The Secret Service
- The Legend of Korra
- The LEGO Movie
- Life is Beautiful
- Louis C.K.
- Mad Max: Fury Road
- Nostalgia Critic
- Parks and Recreation
- Patton Oswalt
- The Prestige
- The Professional
- Rick and Morty
- Rise of the Planet of the Apes
- The Room
- Scott Pilgrim Vs The World
- Singin' in the Rain
- Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home
- Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country
- Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
- Steven Universe
- Total Recall (1990)
- Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
- Uncle Buck
- Whose Line Is It Anyway?
- X2: X-Men United
…to Listen To
- Me: All comedy is theory until somebody laughs at it.
The Captain: I don't wanna survive. I wanna live!
Claudius: Madness in great ones should not unwatched go.
Edmund Burke: All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.
John 15:13 (KJV): Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.
Winston Churchill: Some people’s idea of [free speech] is that they are free to say what they like, but if anyone else says anything back, that is an outrage.
Khan: Because I am better.
Kirk: At what?
Henshaw: You don’t know me! I am 317 years old, I can wear any face I choose, I speak languages your mouth can’t even form! You know nothing about me!!
Bane: Oh, you think the darkness is your ally, but you merely adopted the dark. I was born in it, moulded by it. I didn’t see the light until I was already a man; by then, it was nothing to me but blinding! The shadows betray you, because they belong to me.
The Mandarin: True story about fortune cookies: They look Chinese. They sound Chinese. But they're actually an American invention, which is why they're hollow, full of lies, and leave a bad taste in the mouth.
Epicurus: Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?
Ozzy Osbourne: I keep hearing this fucking thing that guns don’t kill people, but people kill people. If that’s the case, why do we give people guns when they go to war? Why not just send the people?
Sam Vimes: If you have to look along the shaft of an arrow from the wrong end, if a man has you entirely at his mercy, then hope like hell that man is an evil man. Because the evil like power, power over people, and they want to see you in fear. They want you to know you’re going to die. So they’ll talk. They’ll gloat. They’ll watch you squirm. They’ll put off the moment of murder like another man will put off a good cigar. So hope like hell your captor is an evil man. A good man will kill you with hardly a word.
Marconi: Every living being has but one need: power. Power over other living things. You need it to grow, to eat, to reproduce. And cruelty is the ultimate expression of power. To impose needless, extreme suffering and humiliation on another. It is the purest demonstration of strength. Toddlers learn it in the nursery. Therefore every organism, from the microbe up, wears its cruelty as a badge to mark its upward progress. Prey must be subdued, competition must be starved, enemies must be wiped out. One would thus assume that we find the same among the gods, only more-so. That at each level of the heavens we find higher and higher levels of greed, brutality and mindless spite. How else could they have become gods?
- Spock: If I were human, I believe my response would be… “Go to Hell.” If I were human.
Wallace Shawn: The life of an actor can be very enviable. If the phone rings and somebody says, “I see you as the leader of a group of aliens with enormous heads”, I think that’s fantastic.
Winston Churchill: I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
Granny Weatherwax: Things that try to look like things often do look more like things than things. Well-known fact.
Muhammad Ali: You need to bounce back to North Carolina, kid, ‘cause your rapping sucks more than Space Jam did!
J.P. Morgan: Don’t panic, Scrooge, but you’re about to crash! I’m J.P. Morgan, the Ghost of Rich Dudes Past, who’s properly rocking the Monopoly moustache! Yo, I own the railroad—I run these tracks!
Vince Offer: Your boy George chopped down trees, you couldn’t break a piece of balsa! Slap Chop your face, make a double chin salsa!
Darth Vader: You dumb motherfucker! Didn’t Napoleon let you know? When you conquer Russia, better pack some fuckin’ winter clothes!
Thor, son of Odin: You can’t beat me! I will drop you like Greece’s GDP! Send you deeper underground than the depths of your Hades. Now make like your daddy and swallow my babies!
Stephen King: Masque of the Red Death? Barely bloodcurdling. The Pit and the Pendulum? Not even unnerving! Perving on your first cousin when she’s thirteen years old, now that’s disturbing!
Alfred Hitchcock: I’m the master—of suspense so intense! No defence against Hitchcock once he presents!
Stay Puft: I live so large, you can’t harsh my mellow! Just one step took me out the ghetto! You best be afraid of my marshmallow flows ‘cause Big Puft just turned all you bitches to toast!!
Hannibal Lecter: You prey on a prostitute and play with her body. I don’t mind that you’re naughty, Jack—I hate that you’re sloppy!
Quotes to LOL by
- This troper: You’re sitting on your parents’ floor playing air hockey against yourself in a pirate hat, pyjama pants and no shirt. And you’re calling me a loser?
Bruce: I don’t think we should be focusing on Loki. That guy’s brain is a bag full of cats. You can smell the crazy on him.
Thor: Have care how you speak! Loki may be beyond reason, but he is of Asgard and he is my brother!
Natasha: He killed eighty people in two days.
Thor: He’s adopted.
Nanny Ogg: I’ve nothing against ghosts. …But my cottage’s no place for them. There’s some woman in a chariot yelling her head off in the washhouse. I ask you! And there’s a couple of little kiddies in the pantry, and men without heads all over the place, and someone screaming under the sink, and there’s this little hairy man wandering around looking lost and everything. It’s not right.
Sam Vimes: The Ramkins were as highly bred as a hilltop bakery, whereas Corporal Nobbs had been disqualified from the human race for shoving.
Terry Pratchett: Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
McCoy: You mean I’ve got to die to discuss your thoughts on death?
Spock: Excuse me, doctor; I am receiving several distress calls.
McCoy: I don’t doubt it.
Natalie: Oh my god. You’re the Prince of Darkness.
Stottlemeyer: No, he’s not the Prince of Darkness. I’ve seen him vacuuming the ceiling. You wouldn’t see the Prince of Darkness doing that.
Natalie: No, I can picture the Prince of Darkness vacuuming the ceiling, to trick us! He’s very tricky.
Monk: Stop calling me the Prince of Darkness! That’s how rumours get started.
Lillian Kaushtupper: You’ll say “Who’s that old woman in the mirror?” Then she’ll punch you in the face and say, “This isn’t a mirror. It’s an open window.” What were we talking about?
Titus: Girl, I went to public school in Mississippi. They told us dinosaurs went extinct because an asteroid turned them gay!
Kimmy: Because that’s what women do. We eat a bag of dirt, pass it in a kiddy pool, and move on.
Jacqueline: I hope that’s a metaphor.
Kimmy: It’s not. We needed the iron.
Dave Barry: In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.
Colin Mochrie: I believe it was Dr. Seuss who said, “With my hands should I clap? No no no, you’re crap crap crap!”
Ryan Stiles: Colin, what comes into your head when I say “Ricky Ricardo and great cigars”?
Colin: Oh! Tapioca.
Ryan: Here’s another riddle for ya. What kind of bird always says the name of our next band?
Colin: Oh. I guess a... tern? An arctic tern?
Ryan: And what sound does an arctic tern make?
Colin: (beat) BAWKSTREETBOYS!
Ryan: *loses it*
The Joker: Tell me, my friend. Have you ever danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight?
Green Goblin: Yeah. He told me you’re gay.
Louis C.K.: I’m not gonna fuck a kid. I wouldn’t do that. (Beat) …maybe a dead kid. Who are you hurting? He’s dead! Who are you hurting? I’m not saying I would kill a kid and fuck him, I’m saying that if I found a dead kid in a field, and it wasn’t raining, I might take a shot, I don't know.
Seanbaby: Communicating with MMO players is like trying to speak sign language through a hole in a bathroom wall: Everyone on the other side of it is confused, is angry, or only came here to suck.
Seanbaby: Publicly strapping an inflatable woman to your crotch is what’s known in the penis community as a “retirement ceremony”. This is a costume for a man who knows exactly how long to microwave a melon to make it feel like a human vagina. Buddhists believe that whenever a plastic bag suffocates a baby, its punishment is to come back as the lower half of a Down for the Count costume◊.
Seanbaby: You’re dressed as a pun only child pornographers and Family Circus fans would enjoy. That’s officially the worst Venn diagram a person can be in the center of, and you’re trying to entertain that person? Fuck you, Happy Camper.
Mr. Plinkett: George Lucas didn’t ruin my childhood—FUCKING POLIO DID
Sokka: My first girlfriend turned into the moon.
Zuko: (beat) That’s rough, buddy.
Patton Oswalt: You realize a clown is just a transvestite that doesn’t stop, right?
Patton Oswalt: Until you invent a lunch gun, I would like a failure pile in a sadness bowl.
Carlos Ramirez: Everyone else who lets me ride on their dinosaur calls me Carlos.
Strong Bad: Wow. It’s like… even when we win, he wins.
Stan Pines: Darn beautiful men! Always… rooting through my trash—wait, what?
Stan Pines: How much?
Seller: 200 dollars.
Stan: Eh, I’ll just take ‘em when you’re not looking.
Seller: What was that?
Stan: I said I’m gonna rob you!
Louis C.K.: “My phone sucks.” No it doesn't! The shittiest cellphone is a miracle! Your life sucks around the phone.
War Doctor: Oh, the pointing again. It’s a screwdriver! What are you going to do, assemble a cabinet at them?
Commander Badass: Does it embarrass you at all that you just measured yer success with women by how much gay porn they’ve made outta you an’ yer brother?
Red: All I wanted was to eat the chicken that is smarter than other chickens and to absorb its power. And make a nice Kiev.
DAVE: gamzee what happened here
DAVE: did you see what happened
DAVE: not gonna answer me huh
DAVE: youre just gonna keep manhandling johns evil mom and not tell me what jades doing under this house
DAVE: sweet jesus youre an awful dude
Exclusively Community Quotes
- Jeff: Duncan, you did seem less into integrity the day I convinced a jury that, when you made that U-turn on the freeway and tried to order chalupas from the emergency call box, your only real crime was loving America.
Duncan: Pretend you’re watching the athletic proceedings.
Jeff: You couldn’t stop me from watching them. There’s a guy trying out for the track team who is older than the game of poker.
Duncan: I’m a professor! You can’t talk to me that way!
Jeff: A six-year-old girl could talk to you that way!
Duncan: Yes, because that would be adorable!
Jeff: No, because you’re a five-year-old girl and there’s a pecking order!
Shirley: You have been sexually harassing me since the very first day of class.
Pierce: Sexually harassing? What? That makes no sense to me. Why would I harass somebody who turns me on?
Jeff: Who cares if Troy thinks he’s all that? Maybe he is. You think astronauts go to the moon because they hate oxygen? No, they’re trying to impress their high school’s prom king.
Jeff: You know what today is? The two-week anniversary of my horrible first impression.
Britta: There’s a card for that?
Jeff:Not specifically, but if you think of grandsons as a metaphor for friendship, you’ll agree with this Transformer here that it’s time for ours to become a man. By reading from the Torah.
Jeff: Hey! Troy sneezes like a girl!
Troy: How about I pound you like a boy—that didn’t come out right.
Gobi Nadir: Dreams are for sleeping.
Britta: You don't know that.
Gobi Nadir: It's clinically proven.
Britta: So's polio!
Gobi Nadir: You lost me!
Abed: Jeff, I think you should play the role of my father.
Jeff: I don’t want to be your father.
Abed: Good, you already know your lines.
Pierce / Mad Scientist: You fools! By sewing my butt to my chest, you’ve given me boobs I can touch all day!
Annie: Well, don’t bother this year. I’ll be at the movies with my bubbie.
Troy: You’re not taking… both of them?
Annie: Well, one’s dead.
Troy: *staring at Annie’s chest* What.
Annie: The midterm dance will need a visual theme. Like, “Let’s blow off steam,” and it’s trains!
Chang: I have an idea!
Annie: Chang, your last idea was to murder.