"You're sitting there on your floor in a pirate hat, pyjama pants and no shirt, playing air hockey against yourself, and
you're calling
me a loser?"
"What is it with celebrities collecting African babies? It's like
Pokémon to these people!"
"If humans had gills, they'd just stick things in 'em."
"I don't like it when you use the words 'porn' and '
Disney' together in a sentence."
"Congratulations. The
seven hundred year old dead guy succeeds at
Computer Use where you did not."
"Sometimes I think maybe my media player has achieved sentience, and it refuses to load because it's judging me for my music choices. Like, 'Five Nyan Cat remixes? I'm not playing that.'"
"All comedy is theory until someone else laughs at it."
Welcome. Now that we've set the tone with some clever
* These quotes are not actually guaranteed to be clever and I most likely posted them out of some misguided need to massage my own ego
things I've said, we can begin. I choose to identify myself on this website as "The Dire Flamingohawkrobin", which is a ridiculous
In Joke from an equally ridiculous story my friends and I wrote when we were in 8th grade, and it isn't worth my time to explain the reasoning behind it. It suffices to say that the Flamingohawkrobin wasn't even a bird at all, two of the principal protagonists were "Bob the Cereal Killer" and a hamster named Medwitz and that is all you really need to know on the subject. I'm sure you have many questions, so... shall we?
What are you?
There are many answers to that question. "I am a poet trapped in the body of a caveman," is one of them.
Very philosophical and all that, but what are you?
Well, if you really must know, I'm a heterosexual human male in my early twenties with self-esteem issues and brobdingnagian skeletal structure. People tell me I'm attractive, and I'm usually willing to believe them. I grew a beard for a
pirate costume and kept it because my girlfriend likes it. My shoe size is outrageous. Seriously, it should be illegal to have feet this big.
How big?
Size 18. That's like, crazy big.
You shouldn't use the word "crazy" in such a casual context like that.
Hey, everyone is a little bit crazy, and the sooner we all realize that we'll all be one step closer to enlightenment.
How crazy are you?
I'm pretty crazy. I worry that invisible people are sneaking into my apartment while the door closes and I think the
Twilight series is vampire propaganda designed to make them seem less threatening. I insult my technology daily to prevent robot uprisings.
That's pretty crazy. Why haven't you been locked up?
No cage can contain me!!
Have you made any meaningful contributions around here?
Not really. I chime in from time to time, and I made a lot additions to the
Avatar article when the movie came out. I created the entry for
Uncle Buck because it was simply criminal that no entry existed.
Sounds like you're a fan. Anything else you recommend?
Yes.
- I absolutely love the Star Wars and Star Trek franchises, and readily admit you can't take either one too seriously. Doctor Who doesn't even try to take itself seriously, which is probably why I've fallen in love with its recent incarnation. You have a guy flying around time and space in a phone box with a "sonic screwdriver", and a bunch of Monks Templar policing the galaxy with laser blades and telekinesis. Star Trek tries to pretend it's a serious story about The Federation making the galaxy a better place, but then again the franchise also has android sex, alien whales (whaliens?) and Space Elves who have to Mate or Die every seven years. Take from that what you will.
- I know everybody loves the second film, and in this case I'm with "everybody." It's very thematic, and shows us The Kirk is not invincible. The Voyage Home is a laugh-and-a-half, and Star Trek: First Contact was the last film made with the Next Generation crew before everybody just stopped caring. These successes notwithstanding, I have to say that Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country is my favourite of the movies. It finds that balance between Funny and Serious and pokes just the right amount of fun at itself. Also it has Christopher Plummer as a Shakespeare-quoting Klingon with an Eye Patch Of Power nailed to his fucking face.
- I surprise people when I tell them Deep Space Nine was my favorite series. It was the only series that truly tried to do something different, and the only series that had a gay tailor who was also a spy.
- Return of the Jedi is my favourite Star Wars film. Complain all you like about the Ewoks and Boba Fett's incompetence, this instalment has everything Star Wars should have: a lightsaber duel, a space battle and a ground battle, and an epic confrontation between good and evil.
- I was a pretty big fan of Corner Gas and Reba when they were on television, the former being the only Canadian sitcom I've ever enjoyed and the latter being surprisingly funny for a series about Teen Pregnancy, shotgun weddings and divorce.
- Monk was another great series. Imagine Sherlock Holmes if, instead of being a cocaine-addicted racist, he was afraid of everything.
- Community is the best thing not on TV right now, perhaps the second most under-appreciated show after Clerks: The Animated Series. Every episode is different. Will it be an action movie spoof with paintball? A Western with paintball? Star Wars with paintball?
