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Tropers: The Dire Flamingohawkrobin
"You're sitting there on your floor in a pirate hat, pyjama pants and no shirt, playing air hockey against yourself, and you're calling me a loser?"
"All comedy is theory until someone else laughs at it."

Gentlemen, you had my curiosity; but now you have my attention.

I'm not a major contributor to TV Tropes, although I chime in from time to time; I added a lot to the One Piece, Avatar and Axe Cop trope pages, and created the page for Uncle Buck because it was simply criminal that such a thing did not exist.

What ARE you?

I'm big and hairy. Nothing fits me: gloves, pants, shoes, hats, condoms...

In my spare time I like to play Dungeons & Dragons and Big Eyes, Small Mouth, usually as a Game Master. It helps that I am an aspiring writer. I mainly write original fantasy/sci-fi, as detailed below, but I have an insatiable taste for parody as well.

    Writing Projects 

Menschendämmerung pentalogy

A modern apocalyptic myth, like the Book of Revelation or Ragnarök.

Out of the zombie plagues of the late 21st Century arose the Order of the Spade: a Badass Army wielding combat shovels in their fight for peace, using training and meditation to achieve superhuman feats. Unaligned with any government, they operated as global peacekeepers, surviving World War III and countless smaller conflicts before mysteriously going extinct in the late 23rd Century.

Now the year is 2301. Mars and the Moon are inhabited, with the former fighting for its independence. All Nations Are Superpowers, as well as some Mega Corps. Ironically, Functional Magic brought humanity out of the Dark Ages after WW 3 (magic that was, even more ironically, discovered via technology). Cloning is rampant and clones actually have fewer rights than some robots. The Socialist Union of North America, virtually untouched by war, sits complacent and stupid beneath its impenetrable defenses. The Middle East is an irradiated wasteland populated solely by sentient machines. China is a democracy, Africa is a paradise administrated by Google, Great Britain is ruled by wizards, continental Europe is one big Caliphate and Russia is a splintered collection of states ruled by feudal overlords and cyborg mafiosos.

Enter Jack McQuarry, a seventeen-year-old raised in an isolated monastery with little knowledge of the outside world. Little does he know he will be the key to humanity's salvation.

Book I: Original Heroes (Denial) — Jack's world is turned upside down when he learns he's the last surviving member of the Order. Richard Sharpe, a billionaire who quit the Order before it was destroyed, has decided You Cannot Kill an Idea and plans to assemble a team of superheroes to fill the void left by the Order. This team includes Nihil and Omnia, twin girls who can annihilate and create matter; X57, a Casanova Wannabe lab creation (who looks like Pikachu); and Alejandro, the Aztec god of earthquakes. Sharpe wants Jack to be the leader, but Jack feels too ordinary for that. However, when an unstoppable adversary threatens the planet, they may be left with no choice.

Book II: Who Watches the Watchman (Anger) — The robots have unleashed a plague of nanomachines as part of a plot to plunge Earth into a fourth world war. Jack has finally accepted his place as lone survivor of the Order, but feels betrayed when he learns his leadership of the team was a Batman Gambit by Sharpe to draw out the Watchman, the individual who destroyed the Order. Although in a relationship with Nihil, he finds himself falling for her sister Omnia.

Book III: Mars, Bringer of War (Bargaining) — With Omnia in the hands of the Martian Liberation Front, long-standing animosity between Jack's Super Team and The Government comes to a head, resulting in Alejandro's death. Crash landing on the moon, our heroes attempt to reach Mars while a mysterious figure calling himself Javert, who claims to be from the future, dogs their every step. Once there, they face the might of GaleForce Industries and its army of clones.

Book IV: Hell on Earth (Despair) — Jack awakens on Mars six years later, and learns the One World Nation conspiracy was No Mere Windmill, and in fact every peril they have thus far faced was part of a much grander scheme to create a literal Hell on Earth. With billions of lives in the balance, he must penetrate a spatial labyrinth and survive dark confrontations with faces new and familiar, while avoiding the seven servants of The Antichrist. However, the threat may be far worse than anyone realizes.

Book V: Death of a Multiverse (Acceptance) — Jack is dead. A sentient mass of hatred threatens The Multiverse. Searching universes for any sign of hope, The Remnant prepares for a confrontation with the Army of the Apocalypse. Is this the Götterdämmerung? Is god already dead? Are we god? Jack will have the answers to these questions and more, as he challenges the very powers behind reality itself.

The Three Suns Tetralogy

A tale of prophecy and war, of righting an ancient wrong

Four Pilgrims — Kieran Torres, a loner with a Dark and Troubled Past, and his only friend Brock, meet Natalija Dragomir, a fellow Ordinary High-School Student who promptly turns both of their lives upside down. Transported to another world called Paraforos, they meet recent orphan and rightful queen Sahar Menektos, and agree to put her on the throne in exchange for a way home. However, mad King Craw and General Creasy will not relinquish their global hegemony so easily; and Kieran further complicates matters by developing a Split Personality with superhuman strength and a dangerous obsession with Nat.

Three Worlds — Our heroes learn they are destined to save Paraforos—or perhaps destroy it. A series of disturbing premonitions lead Nat to believe she may have closer ties to this world than she believed. Kieran's other self claims to be a millennia-old warrior of Paraforos. A slumbering evil rises to the surface once more, and Craw may not be nearly as harmless as he seems...

Two Brothers — As Craw puts his devastating plan into motion, Sahar begins to wonder if she is fighting the wrong war. Nat feels ill-suited to her role, and learns she may not be the true Prophetess after all. Brock wonders about his place in things, and as he tries to uncover the rest of the prophecy, everyone learns Kieran may be even more dangerous than previously believed.

One — Scattered across three planets, our heroes are divided and struggle not to fall. Brock and Sahar try to survive on Deteros, a passionless world of bureaucracy and absolute law. Alone, Kieran wanders wastelands on the shattered world of Antikros. Feeling abandoned and hopeless, Natalija remains on Paraforos desperately trying to rally the forces of good against an unstoppable evil that has lain dormant since the dawn of time.

Mythicle Tales

A semi-satirical fantasy series, named for Ozwald Mythicle: a wizard utterly incapable of making fire, but very good at wisecracks.

The Rooster's Counsel — Ozwald meets a deceptively harmless-looking young woman named Tora Gainer, and a grouchy blacksmith named Wilbur Smith. Together with a clumsy religious cleric, a vegan vampire, a hyperactive elf and a talking rooster, they uncover a vast conspiracy at the highest reaches of government.

Gloaming — In the power vacuum left by the previous book's events, the Sacred Church holds a summit of world leaders. Someone (or something) else has decided to attend, and the results may be disastrous.

Parodies

Stare Wars

Star Trippin'

The Wary Pooter Series

  • Wary Pooter and the Phenomenal Stench — Wary is taken away from a life of systematic child abuse and placed into an arguably more dangerous environment: Hogsnorts, the most dangerous school in the entire world. With his newfound friends Wrong Wheezy and Yerwhiny Ginger, he finds that learning takes a back seat to merely surviving (and finding the source of the mysterious smell that seems to permeate the school).
  • Wary Pooter and the Chamber of Sewage — Wary and friends wonder why in the hell Hogsnorts has four houses—Drippindork, Ravingclod, Shufflestuff and Slickerthan—when Slickerthan is so obviously evil. Shit gets real when someone opens the secret, evil chamber left behind by Slickerthan's oddly toilet-obsessed founder.
  • Wary Pooter and the Picnicker of Asskaboom — The Ministry of Magic can't figure out why inmates of their impregnable maximum-security wizard prison, Asskaboom, guarded by the absent-minded Dummentals, keep wandering off. Wary meets his sketchy "uncle" Serious Plaque, Wrong regrets changing clothes in front of his pet rat, and Yerwhiny gets timey-wimey.
  • Wary Pooter and the Hormones on Fire — When Hogsnorts hosts the Try-Not-to-Die Tournament against Wurmstrangle and Boobatons, Wary discovers he likes Asian chicks, Wrong and Yerwhiny desperately try to escape the adolescent sexual tension strangling them both, and some guy named Farty Crotch kills Edward with the Really Stupid Plot Twist spell.
  • Wary Pooter and the Odour of the Penis — Wary meets a dippy hippy chick named Tuna Lovewood and finally gets to second base with Sho Thang. He spends the rest of his school year being a whiny nuisance to everyone around him. Oh, also the Dark Lord Moldywart is back and some people die, but who cares about that when you can have ANGST.

Other parodies

  • The Revengers — Tony Snark teams up with Steve Codger, Bruce Bummer, Big Boss, Cockeyed, Baby Got Back Widow, and THOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRR to save the world by arguing a lot.
  • Avatarded — a guy betrays his entire race for blue pussy.
  • Avaturd: The Last Airbator — A waterbator named Kitara finds a bald kid in an iceberg and gets all broody as she helps him on his quest to become a Master Bator.

These are a few of my favourite things!

     Quotes 
Nanny Ogg: I've nothing against ghosts. ... But my cottage's no place for them. There’s some woman in a chariot yelling her head off in the washhouse. ... And there’s a couple of little kiddies in the pantry, and men without heads all over the place, and someone screaming under the sink, and there’s this little hairy man wandering around looking lost and everything. It’s not right.

McCoy: You mean I've got to die to discuss your thoughts on death?
Spock: Excuse me, doctor; I am receiving several distress calls.
McCoy: I don't doubt it.

Natalie: Oh my god. You're the Prince of Darkness.
Stottlemeyer: No, he's not the Prince of Darkness. I've seen him vacuuming the ceiling. You wouldn't see the Prince of Darkness doing that.
Natalie: No, I can picture the Prince of Darkness vacuuming the ceiling, to trick us. He's very tricky.
Monk: Stop calling me the Prince of Darkness! That's how rumours get started.

Jeff: Hey! Troy sneezes like a girl!
Troy: How about I pound you like a boy—that didn't come out right.

Colin Mochrie: I believe it was Dr. Seuss who said, "With my hands should I clap? No no no, you're crap crap crap!"

Colin: It's an ancient custom to wave your nuts at a sick alien.

Ryan Stiles: Colin, what comes into your head when I say "Ricky Ricardo and great cigars"?
Colin: Oh! Tapioca.

Ryan: Here's another riddle for ya. What kind of bird always says the name of our next band?
Colin: Oh. I guess a... tern? An arctic tern?
Ryan: And what sound does an arctic tern make?
Colin: (beat) BAWKSTREETBOYS!

Spock: If I were human, I believe my response would be: "Go to Hell." If I were human.

Louis C.K.: Here's the difference, for me, between boys and girls: boys fuck things up, and girls are fucked up.

Seanbaby: Communicating with MMO players is like trying to speak sign language through a hole in a bathroom wall: Everyone on the other side of it is confused, is angry, or only came here to suck.

The Mandarin: True story about fortune cookies: they look Chinese, they sound Chinese, but they're actually an American invention; which is why they're hollow, full of lies and leave a bad taste in the mouth.

Mr. Plinkett: George Lucas didn't ruin my childhood; fucking polio did!

Sokka: My first girlfriend turned into the moon.
Zuko: (beat) That's rough, buddy.

DAVE: gamzee what happened here
DAVE: did you see what happened
DAVE: not gonna answer me huh
DAVE: youre just gonna keep manhandling johns evil mom and not tell me what jades doing under this house
DAVE: sweet jesus youre an awful dude

Patton Oswalt: You realize a clown is just a transvestite that doesn't stop, right?

Carlos Ramirez: Everyone else who lets me ride on their dinosaur calls me Carlos.

Wallace Shawn: The life of an actor can be very enviable. If the phone rings and somebody says, "I see you as the leader of a group of aliens with enormous heads", I think that's fantastic.

Patton Oswalt: Until you invent a lunch gun, I would like a failure pile in a sadness bowl.

Strong Bad: Wow. It's like, even when we win, he wins.

Stan Pines: Darn beautiful men! Always... rooting through my trash—wait, what?

Khan: Because I am better.
Kirk: At what?
Khan: Everything.

Joker: I now do what other people only dream. I make art until someone dies.

Louis C.K.: "My phone sucks." No it doesn't! The shittiest cellphone is a miracle! Your life sucks around the phone.

Granny Weatherwax: Things that try to look like things often do look more like things than things. Well-known fact.

The War Doctor: Oh, the pointing again. It's a screwdriver! What are you going to do, assemble a cabinet at them?

Commander Badass: Does it embarrass you at all that you just measured yer success with women by how much gay porn they've made outta you an' yer brother?

Red: All I wanted was to eat the chicken that is smarter than other chickens and to absorb its power. And make a nice Kiev.

The Captain: I don't wanna survive. I wanna live!

Marconi: Every living being has but one need: power. Power over other living things. You need it to grow, to eat, to reproduce. And cruelty is the ultimate expression of power. To impose needless, extreme suffering and humiliation on another. It is the purest demonstration of strength. Toddlers learn it in the nursery. Therefore every organism, from the microbe up, wears its cruelty as a badge to mark its upward progress. Prey must be subdued, competition must be starved, enemies must be wiped out. One would thus assume that we find the same among the gods, only moreso. That at each level of the heavens we find higher and higher levels of greed, brutality and mindless spite. How else could they have become gods?
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