Quotes: Never My Fault

A bad workman blames his tools.
—English Proverb

There is only one thief in the Army. Everyone else is just trying to get their stuff back.
— Military adage

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    comic books 

He was arrogant. He panicked. Got cocky. And turned himself into a monster. Flash forward to now — he is angry at everyone but himself for what he has done to his home, his company, and his mind.

    film - animated 

It's not my fault, I'm not to blame
It is the gypsy girl, the witch who set this flame!
It's not my fault, if in God's plan,
He made the Devil so much stronger than a man!

Rabbit: It all comes from eating too much!
Pooh: It all comes from not having front doors big enough!

Let's see... take responsibility for my own life, or blame you? Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! 'Blame you' wins hands down!
Bowler Hat Guy, Meet the Robinsons

Cruella is impervious to outside ideas! (It's "never her fault.")
— Profile on Cruella De Vil from 101 Dalmatians, Disney Dossiers: Files of Characters From the Walt Disney Studios

    film - live-action 

Anakin Skywalker: You turned her against me!
Obi-Wan Kenobi: You have done that yourself.
Anakin Skywalker: You will not take her from me!
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Your anger and your lust for power have already done that.

    literature 

We are all exceptional cases. We all want to appeal against something! Each of us insists on being innocent at all cost, even if he has to accuse the whole human race and heaven itself.
Albert Camus, The Fall

    music 

If things don't quite go your way,
You can play the tragic heroine!
The wretched days you brought upon yourself
Just blame them all on others!
Uisuki-P, "Nashimoto-We, Kill Me"

    newspaper comics 

Considering that my life's in shambles right now, could you at least take the blame?
Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes, March 15, 1989

    live-action tv 

The fuck did I do?
Jimmy McNulty's Catch Phrase on The Wire (said, more often than not, when he knows perfectly well what he's done)

Rick: Oh, no, the front door's exploded! Vyvyan!
Mike: Vyvyan!
Vyvyan: Vyvyan, Vyvyan, Vyvyan! Honestly! Whenever anything explodes in this house, it's always "Blame Vyvyan"!!
Mike: Well, who do you suggest we blame?
Rick: Thatcher!
Vyvyan: No! Blame whoever rang the front doorbell, 'cuz they obviously triggered off the bomb I set up!
The Young Ones, "Nasty"

Lister: Rimmer, you can't blame me for your lousy life.
Rimmer: It's not just you, it's been all my bunkmates.
Lister: See? It's never you, is it? It's always someone or something else. 'You never had the right pens for your G&E drawing.' 'Your dividers don't stretch far enough.'
Rimmer: Well, they don't!!
Red Dwarf, "Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers"

    theatre 

There's man all over for you, blaming on his boots the faults of his feet.

There are certain men in the world who rather see everybody hung before they'll take blame.
Joe Keller hypocritically blaming Steve in All My Sons

    video games 

Don't blame me. Blame society.
Carl "CJ" Johnson, committing one of his many carjackings, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas

There's nothing wrong with my design, it's flawless. There must be something wrong with the parts those imbeciles brought me. I need to find better assistants.

Jude! This is your fault!
Alvin, after he himself shot Leia In the Back, Tales of Xillia

Suddenly, I noticed that Picky was gone. I blame the cops... it certainly wasn't my fault at all.
Pokey Minch on misplacing his little brother, EarthBound

Franziska von Karma: If it weren't for traitors like you...
Miles Edgeworth: "I would've won." Is that what you want to say?
Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney: Justice for All

But I didn't know anything about it, so it's not my fault. Everybody keeps on blaming me—it's not my fault! I didn't make this happen! Master Van] said to do it, after all. I was just trying to help! It's not my fault! Why is everybody leaving me? It's not my fault...
Luke fon Fabre, Tales of the Abyss Synopsis

    webcomics 

Red Mage: You're a mass murdering psycho.
Black Mage: If you think about it, that's really their problem.

(Logan, who Heather forced to race Ash, has just crashed)
Heather: This… this isn't my fault…
Emily: For God's sake, OWN UP TO THIS.

    web original 

Following on from the cheapness laws, you will soon get to learn that nothing is ever your fault when it comes to gaming.

The thing about Tiki [Barber] is that, for a long time, no one knew what a shady fucker he was...Fun fact: While Barber was ditching his wife, he and his mistress hid from the media in his agent's attic. Did Barber use an Anne Frank analogy to describe this situation? Of course he did.
Drew Magary, "The 25 Biggest Sleazebags in Sports!"

So, according to Joss, putting Michael Wincott, Ron Perlman, Brad Dourif, J.E. Freeman and Sigourney Weaver in your ALIEN movie is horrible casting. And the director, who also directed City Of Lost Children, might as well be Helen Keller. But the writer, the guy who gave Ripley a robovag sidekick more annoying than C-3P0, and made the main villain a fucking Muppet Baby? You insult him in a dream, you better wake up and apologize.

Seen above looking like a cast member in the all-Muppets version of a Stepford Wives remake, Teresa Giudice of The Real Grifters of New Jersey owes a shit load in restitution and has to pay the $13 million she and her husband Juicy Joe swindled from creditors. Where oh where are they going to get that money from? Teresa can’t try to get a $14 million loan using fake W2s, because every bank has got their number now. A leaked sex tape is out of the question since bestiality porn is still illegal. But don’t worry, Teresa’s got a genius plan. She’s suing her lawyer!

...Yes, everyone knows that Teresa is going to prison because of Teresa, but maybe she’s on to something. Suing her bankruptcy lawyer is a good start, but she really should go all out and blame everybody but herself. Teresa should sue the makers of the pen she used to sign those documents, because they obviously played a part in her downfall. She should also sue the makers of the paper those documents were printed on. She should sue the creator of currency and the founders of the banks she and Juicy Joe swindled, because she might not be going to jail if they didn’t exist. Finally, she should sue the government for making fraud illegal, because that law is just stupid.

Dr. Andrew Wakefield was almost single-handedly responsible for frightening the public about a possible association between autism and the MMR vaccine. His alarmist recommendations directly led to lower vaccination rates and a resurgence of measles to endemic levels in the UK. The MMR/autism interpretation of his 1998 article in The Lancet was retracted by 10 of his 12 co-authors. The article itself was “fully retracted from the public record” by The Lancet. And now Wakefield has lost his license to practice medicine after the General Medical Council’s exhaustive 2˝-year review of his ethical conduct.

His career was in shreds and there was only one way left for him to fight back: to write a book. Callous Disregard: Autism and Vaccines — The Truth Behind a Tragedy has just been published... Wakefield does not recognize that he has done anything wrong. Instead, he accuses the regulatory authorities of callous disregard of children’s safety; he accuses his accusers of having personal motivations to destroy him and to maintain the vaccine party line at all costs; he accuses Brian Deer, the investigative reporter who exposed him, of getting the facts wrong; he accuses others of not reporting their own conflicts of interest, etc...How ludicrous: he is clearly the one who undermined public confidence, not the scientists and agencies that are doing their best to reduce the incidence of preventable diseases and to protect the public from alarmists like him.
Harriet Hall, The Skeptic Wiki, "Andrew Wakefield Fights Back"

    western animation 

Mad Hatter: I'll split that cowl from your neck before I let you take her! I've waited my whole lonely life for her!
Batman: Then all you've waited for is a puppet. A soulless little doll.
Mad Hatter: It didn't have to be this way! You made me do this to her!

I can't help feeling that this is somehow Meg's fault.
Peter Griffin, after accidentally running over Brian

We now return to My Kids are Bad and I Want to Blame Others.
Morty Williams, "Phineas and Ferb Get Busted"

Robotnik: Coconuts! I was bamboozled by Sonic, and it's all your fault!
Coconuts: What are you talking about? I wasn't even there!
Robotnik: Silence! I'm the boss, I can blame whoever I want!
Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, "Full-Tilt Tails"

This is everybody's fault but mine.

Well, Kif, stand by to take the blame. Steady... Steady ... Now!
Zapp Brannigan, Futurama

OW! What did I do?
Eustace Bagge, typically after Muriel gives him a good smack upside the head for harassing Courage, Courage the Cowardly Dog

    web video 

I didn't mean to do that! The controls are fucking lagging! I CAN'T MOVE!!!"

Somehow this is your fault!

    real life 

Talk of high taxes. Jack: 'It annoys me the way they [The Pentagon] throw money around.' No sense, however, that he might control the waste. But then most presidents complain of 'they'; presidents also tend to feel insufficiently admired by the nation, whose good luck it is to have so fine and selfless a leader.
Gore Vidal on John F. Kennedy, Palimpsest

If you haven't already noticed, promoters almost never put the blame for a poor house on themselves. Instead, they blame any outside force they can think of. The crowd is low because it's summer. The crowd is low because it's winter. The crowd is low because it's raining. The crowd is low because it's sunny. By refusing to address the real issue (nobody gives a shit about their show), promoters often delude themselves right out of business.
R. D. Reynolds and Bryan Alvarez, The Death of WCW