Quotes / Never My Fault

A bad workman blames his tools.
—English Proverb

There is only one thief in the Army. Everyone else is just trying to get their stuff back.
— Military adage

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    Anime and Manga 
[during Ascot's Motive Rant about everyone accusing him and his monsters of being a nuisance]
Umi: Well, let me ask you something. Do your friends cause that much trouble for everyone?
Ascot: No, they don't! They don't cause trouble anywhere unless I specifically tell them to.

    Comic Books 
He was arrogant. He panicked. Got cocky. And turned himself into a monster. Flash forward to now — he is angry at everyone but himself for what he has done to his home, his company, and his mind.

    Fan Works 
Wind Rider: H-hey, it's nothing to get bent out of shape over. Just a minor setback, that's all. Spitfire made a mistake.
Haymaker: A "mistake?" Is that what you're calling it, Wind Rider? You forged a letter saying that Stormy Flare was sick, sending Spitfire on a wild goose chase. Then you had the gall to pin your crime on an aspiring young private in the Reserves. All because you couldn't let that young private beat your record. After all that, you think Spitfire stripped you of your Wonderbolt status by mistake?!
The Truth Hurts

    Film - Animated 
It's not my fault, I'm not to blame
It is the gypsy girl, the witch who set this flame!
It's not my fault, if in God's plan,
He made the Devil so much stronger than a man!

Rabbit: It all comes from eating too much!
Pooh: It all comes from not having front doors big enough!

Let's see... take responsibility for my own life, or blame you? Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! 'Blame you' wins hands down!
Bowler Hat Guy, Meet the Robinsons

Cruella is impervious to outside ideas! (It's "never her fault.")
— Profile on Cruella De Vil from 101 Dalmatians, Disney Dossiers: Files of Characters From the Walt Disney Studios

Marty: [To a hyperventilating Melman] Take it easy, Melman. It's gonna be okay. We are gonna be o-kizzay.
Alex: No, we're not gonna be "o-kizzay"! Because of you, we're ruined!
Marty: Because of me? I fail to see how this is my fault.
We must blame them, and cause a fuss,
Before somebody thinks of blaming us!

    Film - Live-Action 
Anakin Skywalker: You turned her against me!
Obi-Wan Kenobi: You have done that yourself.
Anakin Skywalker: You will not take her from me!
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Your anger and your lust for power have already done that.

Gary: Jesus, I do something right for a change and you fuckers get on my case!
Andy: Wow, that's the first time I've ever heard you admit being wrong!
Gary: I said I did something right!
Andy: Yeah, "for a change"!
Steven: Meaning the rest of the time you're wrong!
Gary: Not necessarily!
All: Argh!

Nathan: [Referring to her car accident] Well, I can't say I'm surprised. I did tell you to get your tail-lights fixed.
Annie: Yeah, I know.
Nathan: And now here we are.
Annie: Look, I have had a horrible day. I don't need a lecture from you right now, okay? I just... Helen just—
Nathan: [Fed-up] Agh, don't... this didn't happen because of Helen. This happened because you didn't get your tail-lights fixed. It's pretty simple.

Edward Blake/The Comedian: Yeah, I did. And you know what? You watched me! You could've turned the gun into steam, the bullets into Mercury, the bottle into goddamn snowflakes, but you didn't, didn't you? You really don't give a damn about human beings. You're driftin' outta touch, Doc. God help us all.

We are all exceptional cases. We all want to appeal against something! Each of us insists on being innocent at all cost, even if he has to accuse the whole human race and heaven itself.
Albert Camus, The Fall

As I have said, everyone in prison is an innocent man. Oh, they read the scripture the way those holy rollers on TV read the Book of Revelations. They were the victims of judges with hearts of stone and balls to match, or incompetent lawyers, or police frame-ups, or bad luck. They read the scripture, but you can read a different scripture in their faces. Most cons are a low sort, no good to themselves or anyone else, and their worst luck was that their mothers carried them to term.

Ah, some things never change, do they? the Huntsman thought. If it isn't your little brother, it's your ex-husband or your business partner. Everyone else is to blame for your unhappiness. But you show them, don't you? Such a dull and ordinary exterior hiding such a dark and twisted soul. No one suspects a thing. But I do. There has been a miscarriage of justice here. I will fix that. It is my job to fix that.
Hounded, by Kelley Armstrong

If things don't quite go your way,
You can play the tragic heroine!
The wretched days you brought upon yourself
Just blame them all on others!
Uisuki-P, "Nashimoto-We, Kill Me"

    Newspaper Comics 
Considering that my life's in shambles right now, could you at least take the blame?
Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes, March 15, 1989

    Live-Action TV 
"The fuck did I do?"
Jimmy McNulty's Catch-Phrase on The Wire (said, more often than not, when he knows perfectly well what he's done)

Rick: Oh, no, the front door's exploded! Vyvyan!
Mike: Vyvyan!
Vyvyan: Vyvyan, Vyvyan, Vyvyan! Honestly! Whenever anything explodes in this house, it's always "Blame Vyvyan"!!
Mike: Well, who do you suggest we blame?
Rick: Thatcher!
Vyvyan: No! Blame whoever rang the front doorbell, 'cuz they obviously triggered off the bomb I set up!
The Young Ones, "Nasty"

Lister: Rimmer, you can't blame me for your lousy life.
Rimmer: It's not just you, it's been all my bunkmates.
Lister: See? It's never you, is it? It's always someone or something else. 'You never had the right pens for your G&E drawing.' 'Your dividers don't stretch far enough.'
Rimmer: Well, they don't!!
Red Dwarf, "Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers"

"You ever hear the saying, 'you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole; you run into assholes all day, you're the asshole?'"
Raylan, Justified, "Hole in the Wall"

Ward: Look, mistakes were made—
Simmons: By you.

Sir Humphrey: Five standard excuses. First, there's the excuse we use, for instance, in the Antony Blunt case.
Jim Hacker: Which was?
Humphrey: That there's a perfectly satisfactory explanation for everything, but security forbids its disclosure. Second, there's the excuse we use for Comprehensive Schools: That it only went wrong because of heavy cuts in staff and budget, which stretched supervisory resources beyond their limits.
Hacker: But that's not true, is it?
Humphrey: No, but it's a good excuse. Then there's the excuse we used for Concorde: It was a worthwhile experiment, now abandoned, but not before it had provided much valuable data and considerable employment.
Hacker: But that is true, isn't it? (Beat) Oh, no, of course it isn't.
Humphrey: Fourth, there's the excuse we used for the Munich agreement: It occurred before certain important facts were known, and couldn't happen again.
Hacker: What important facts?
Humphrey: Well, that Hitler wanted to conquer Europe.
Hacker: I thought everybody knew that!
Humphrey: Not the Foreign Office.
Hacker: Five?
Humphrey: Five, there's the Charge of the Light Brigade excuse: It was an unfortunate lapse by an individual, which is now being dealt with under internal disciplinary procedures.
Hacker: And that covers everything?
Humphrey: (crosses fingers) Well, just about everything, so far.
Hacker: Even wars?
Humphrey: Small wars.

"It's never your fault is it, when the lift smelt of burning rubber for a fortnight it wasn't your fault, when my mum ended up in a ditch it wasn't your fault, when my aunt Janice could only eat soft fruit for a month it wasn't your fault.'"
Tim, Not Going Out, "Art"

"Sandra, everyone makes mistakes, but the fact that you're the kind of person who cannot accept blame is egregious."
Joan, Mad Men, "The Good News"

There's man all over for you, blaming on his boots the faults of his feet.

There are certain men in the world who rather see everybody hung before they'll take blame.
Joe Keller hypocritically blaming Steve in All My Sons

    Video Games 
Don't blame me. Blame society.
Carl "CJ" Johnson, committing one of his many carjackings, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas

There's nothing wrong with my design, it's flawless. There must be something wrong with the parts those imbeciles brought me. I need to find better assistants.

Jude! This is your fault!
Alvin, after he himself shot Leia In the Back, Tales of Xillia

Suddenly, I noticed that Picky was gone. I blame the cops... it certainly wasn't my fault at all.
Pokey Minch on misplacing his little brother, EarthBound

Franziska von Karma: If it weren't for traitors like you...
Miles Edgeworth: "I would've won." Is that what you want to say?

But I didn't know anything about it, so it's not my fault. Everybody keeps on blaming me — it's not my fault! I didn't make this happen! Master Van said to do it, after all. I was just trying to help! It's not my fault! Why is everybody leaving me? It's not my fault...
Luke fon Fabre, Tales of the Abyss Synopsis

Anora: Did you kill Cailan?
Loghain: [looking away] Cailan's death was his own doing...

Starscream: Congratulations, Onslaught. As a result of your failure to obey my orders, you and your Combaticons destroyed half of the Energon supply in that crash!
Onslaught: Are you kidding, Starscream? The Autobots would have taken it all! My team salvaged an operation that YOU screwed up from the get-go!
Starscream: No one addresses the leader of the Decepticons in such a manner! Arrest them!

"Starscream’s stepped in it this time. He’s pressing charges against us? Like this whole thing was our fault? It’s a true scientific marvel that guy can spew that much scrap without running dry."

Blame someone else for your sins
You were led astray by ne'er-do-wells and scoundrels. You were despoiled! Hoodwinked! It certainly, definitely wasn't your fault.

Eliphas the Inheritor: They reject the Word of Chaos, my lord. The faithful here are not strong enough.
Daemon Prince: It is a poor shepherd who blames his flock, Apostle. This failure is yours, and yours alone!
Eliphas (shooting the daemon): No! I will not go to the Basilica of Torments again!
Daemon: Fear not, Apostle. The Basilica is reserved for those who may redeem themselves.
Eliphas (clutching his head and floating in the air): No... no!
Daemon (as Eliphas explodes in a shower of gore): You will have no such chance.
— Chaos stronghold ending, Dawn of War: Dark Crusade

Red Mage: You're a mass murdering psycho!
Black Mage: If you think about it, that's really their problem.

(Logan, who Heather forced to race Ash, has just crashed)
Heather: This… this isn't my fault…
Emily: For God's sake, OWN UP TO THIS.

Gannji: YOU! We wouldn't be here if you hadn't —
Roy: — asked you an entirely reasonable question, to which you responded with violence?
Gannji: Yes! Exactly! What were you possibly thinking???

    Web Original 
Following on from the cheapness laws, you will soon get to learn that nothing is ever your fault when it comes to gaming.

The thing about Tiki [Barber] is that, for a long time, no one knew what a shady fucker he was... Fun fact: While Barber was ditching his wife, he and his mistress hid from the media in his agent's attic. Did Barber use an Anne Frank analogy to describe this situation? Of course he did.
Drew Magary, "The 25 Biggest Sleazebags in Sports!"

So, according to Joss, putting Michael Wincott, Ron Perlman, Brad Dourif, J.E. Freeman, and Sigourney Weaver in your ALIEN movie is horrible casting. And the director, who also directed City Of Lost Children, might as well be Helen Keller. But the writer, the guy who gave Ripley a robovag sidekick more annoying than C-3P0, and made the main villain a fucking Muppet Baby? You insult him in a dream, you better wake up and apologize.

Seen above looking like a cast member in the all-Muppets version of a Stepford Wives remake, Teresa Giudice of The Real Grifters of New Jersey owes a shit load in restitution and has to pay the $13 million she and her husband Juicy Joe swindled from creditors. Where oh where are they going to get that money from? Teresa can’t try to get a $14 million loan using fake W2s, because every bank has got their number now. A leaked sex tape is out of the question since bestiality porn is still illegal. But don’t worry, Teresa’s got a genius plan. She’s suing her lawyer!

...Yes, everyone knows that Teresa is going to prison because of Teresa, but maybe she’s on to something. Suing her bankruptcy lawyer is a good start, but she really should go all out and blame everybody but herself. Teresa should sue the makers of the pen she used to sign those documents, because they obviously played a part in her downfall. She should also sue the makers of the paper those documents were printed on. She should sue the creator of currency and the founders of the banks she and Juicy Joe swindled, because she might not be going to jail if they didn’t exist. Finally, she should sue the government for making fraud illegal, because that law is just stupid.

Dr. Andrew Wakefield was almost single-handedly responsible for frightening the public about a possible association between autism and the MMR vaccine. His alarmist recommendations directly led to lower vaccination rates and a resurgence of measles to endemic levels in the UK. The MMR/autism interpretation of his 1998 article in The Lancet was retracted by 10 of his 12 co-authors. The article itself was “fully retracted from the public record” by The Lancet. And now Wakefield has lost his license to practice medicine after the General Medical Council’s exhaustive 2½-year review of his ethical conduct.

His career was in shreds and there was only one way left for him to fight back: to write a book. Callous Disregard: Autism and Vaccines — The Truth Behind a Tragedy has just been published... Wakefield does not recognize that he has done anything wrong. Instead, he accuses the regulatory authorities of callous disregard of children’s safety; he accuses his accusers of having personal motivations to destroy him and to maintain the vaccine party line at all costs; he accuses Brian Deer, the investigative reporter who exposed him, of getting the facts wrong; he accuses others of not reporting their own conflicts of interest, etc...How ludicrous: he is clearly the one who undermined public confidence, not the scientists and agencies that are doing their best to reduce the incidence of preventable diseases and to protect the public from alarmists like him.
Harriet Hall, The Skeptic Wiki, "Andrew Wakefield Fights Back"

(dies) Healers, why didn't you adjust?

That awkward moment when you find it easier to believe that an entire nation is conspiring against you than it is to believe you're just not that great of a person.

    Western Animation 
Mad Hatter: I'll split that cowl from your neck before I let you take her! I've waited my whole lonely life for her!
Batman: Then all you've waited for is a puppet. A soulless little doll.
Mad Hatter: It didn't have to be this way! You made me do this to her!

Kevin: You trapped me in the Null Void all those years!
Ben: You did that to yourself.

[After Spongebob and Mr. Krabs believe they killed the health inspector]
Spongebob: Mr. Krabs, what are we gonna do?!
Mr. Krabs: What's this "we" stuff?! You fed him the tainted patty! Looks like it's the stony lonesome for you!
Spongebob: But you told me to give it to him!
Mr. Krabs: Well, you could've talked me out of it!
SpongeBob SquarePants, "Nasty Patty"

I can't help feeling that this is somehow Meg's fault.
Peter Griffin, after accidentally running over Brian

We now return to My Kids are Bad and I Want to Blame Others.
Morty Williams, "Phineas and Ferb Get Busted"

Robotnik: Coconuts! I was bamboozled by Sonic, and it's all your fault!
Coconuts: What are you talking about? I wasn't even there!
Robotnik: Shut up! I'm the boss, I can blame whoever I want!
Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, "Full-Tilt Tails"

This is everybody's fault but mine.

Well, Kif, stand by to take the blame. Steady... Steady ... Now!
Zapp Brannigan, Futurama

OW! What did I do?
Eustace Bagge, typically after Muriel gives him a good smack upside the head for harassing Courage, Courage the Cowardly Dog

Demona: You tricked me! You had me under a spell! None of this was my fault! It was the humans, always the humans!
Goliath: You have learned nothing.

Esteban: I was wrong, Naomi. You are a great leader. You are leading thousands of Duendes right into our kingdom! And this is what we get for following her.
Elena: But you haven't been following her, Esteban. You were the one who let the first Duende out, you ignored Naomi at the park, and you sprung the trap too early! The problem hasn't been Naomi. It's been you!

I'm the bad guy, that's fine
It's no fault of mine...

Heidi, people like Cartman, they always make things someone else's fault. We all wrongly see ourselves as the victims sometimes, but Cartman sees himself as the victim all the time. He'll always find someone to blame for his shortcomings, and because of that, he's never gonna change.
Kyle on Eric Cartman, South Park

    Web Video 
I didn't mean to do that! The controls are fucking lagging! I CAN'T MOVE!!!"

Somehow this is your fault!

    Real Life 
When people are presented with the alternatives of hating themselves for their failure or hating others for their success, they seldom choose to hate themselves.
Thomas Sowell

Talk of high taxes. Jack: 'It annoys me the way they [The Pentagon] throw money around.' No sense, however, that he might control the waste. But then most presidents complain of 'they'; presidents also tend to feel insufficiently admired by the nation, whose good luck it is to have so fine and selfless a leader.
Gore Vidal on John F. Kennedy, Palimpsest

If you haven't already noticed, promoters almost never put the blame for a poor house on themselves. Instead, they blame any outside force they can think of. The crowd is low because it's summer. The crowd is low because it's winter. The crowd is low because it's raining. The crowd is low because it's sunny. By refusing to address the real issue (nobody gives a shit about their show), promoters often delude themselves right out of business.
R. D. Reynolds and Bryan Alvarez, The Death of WCW