Quotes from Atop the Fourth Wall.
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Theme Songs
Welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn.
Linkara's gonna teach you all a lesson you won't learn.
Brodsky-— You're not the smartest
Liefeld— You're not an artist
Anyone who's had a bad comic published— It could be your turn
LINKARA! HE IS A MAN! *PUNCH*! Wears a purdy hat
LINKARA! He has a magic gun... Where'd he purchase that?
LINKARA! Coins, robots, Amazons, and trucks.
LINKARA! This! Comic! SUCKS!
Linkara sits down nonetheless, and forces himself through it.
A poorly-written, ugly mess, but someone's gotta do it.
And it's right about time he did;
They made Watchmen without the slimy squid!
And he'll have you know that that's pretty low,
but not quite like the standards of the 90s Kid.
Setting ablaze crossovers, one-shots, and tie-ins,
Linkara stands in reality-defiance
Atop the fourth wall, looking down on us all.
"Of course! Don't you know anything about science?"
There would be better books on his show,
but Quesada sold them to Mephisto,
and now there's nothing left to do
but share the scrapings at the bottom of the barrel with you.
LINKARA! (Atop the Fourth Wall) HE IS A MAN! *PUNCH*! What's that on his arm?
LINKARA! (Atop the Fourth Wall) Can't seem to fix the Continuity Alarm.
LINKARA! (Atop the Fourth Wall) Rock and roll, Insano, some feller in a tux.
LINKARA! (Atop the Fourth Wall) This! Comic! SUCKS!
LINKARA!
Linkara's gonna teach you all a lesson you won't learn.
Brodsky-— You're not the smartest
Liefeld— You're not an artist
Anyone who's had a bad comic published— It could be your turn
LINKARA! HE IS A MAN! *PUNCH*! Wears a purdy hat
LINKARA! He has a magic gun... Where'd he purchase that?
LINKARA! Coins, robots, Amazons, and trucks.
LINKARA! This! Comic! SUCKS!
Linkara sits down nonetheless, and forces himself through it.
A poorly-written, ugly mess, but someone's gotta do it.
And it's right about time he did;
They made Watchmen without the slimy squid!
And he'll have you know that that's pretty low,
but not quite like the standards of the 90s Kid.
Setting ablaze crossovers, one-shots, and tie-ins,
Linkara stands in reality-defiance
Atop the fourth wall, looking down on us all.
"Of course! Don't you know anything about science?"
There would be better books on his show,
but Quesada sold them to Mephisto,
and now there's nothing left to do
but share the scrapings at the bottom of the barrel with you.
LINKARA! (Atop the Fourth Wall) HE IS A MAN! *PUNCH*! What's that on his arm?
LINKARA! (Atop the Fourth Wall) Can't seem to fix the Continuity Alarm.
LINKARA! (Atop the Fourth Wall) Rock and roll, Insano, some feller in a tux.
LINKARA! (Atop the Fourth Wall) This! Comic! SUCKS!
LINKARA!
— Vincent E.L, Gunslinger Theme, original version
Welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where Yuletide Candles burn
Linkara's gonna give you all a present you've not earned
Doug Moench, he's not the brightest
Frank Miller, you're off the Nice List
If you're a comic writer who misuses a licence, your gift will be returned!
Digging through the shelves, for the kind of comic books
That would turn Santa's elves, into common crooks.
He reads them and he weeps, while down the chimney creeps
Bill Jemas with a Marville Trade to watch him when he sleeps
Linkara!
He builds a snowman! *PUNCH!* Now it has a hole!
Linkara!
Eight maids-a-milking and a Youngblood Troll
Linkara!
Only one Dickens homage away from going Chestnuts!
Linkara!
This Christmas comic sucks!
Linkara's gonna give you all a present you've not earned
Doug Moench, he's not the brightest
Frank Miller, you're off the Nice List
If you're a comic writer who misuses a licence, your gift will be returned!
Digging through the shelves, for the kind of comic books
That would turn Santa's elves, into common crooks.
He reads them and he weeps, while down the chimney creeps
Bill Jemas with a Marville Trade to watch him when he sleeps
Linkara!
He builds a snowman! *PUNCH!* Now it has a hole!
Linkara!
Eight maids-a-milking and a Youngblood Troll
Linkara!
Only one Dickens homage away from going Chestnuts!
Linkara!
This Christmas comic sucks!
— Vincent E.L.: The Gunslinger Theme (Christmas Version)
Welcome to Atop the Lightbulb, where bad lamps burn out
Linkara's gonna teach you all, a couple things about
Lightbulbs that catch fire
Lampshades that also catch fire
If you don't like lamps, you're a liar, and you can get the fuck out
Linkara!
He's not a lamp! But! He wears a lampshade!
Linkara!
He has a magic lamp! Where was it made?
Linkara!
Wire! Plugs! That's a Chandelier!
Linkara!
No! Comics! Here!
LINKARA!!
Linkara's gonna teach you all, a couple things about
Lightbulbs that catch fire
Lampshades that also catch fire
If you don't like lamps, you're a liar, and you can get the fuck out
Linkara!
He's not a lamp! But! He wears a lampshade!
Linkara!
He has a magic lamp! Where was it made?
Linkara!
Wire! Plugs! That's a Chandelier!
Linkara!
No! Comics! Here!
LINKARA!!
— Vincent E.L.: The Gunslinger Theme (SadPanda's version)
I'm sitting on my couch, reviewing comics
The worst ones that you will ever see
It's said that comic books are for geeks
But they're not, they're for everybody!
Linkaaaaara!
Linkaaaaara!
If you doubt that I am a man...
I. Am. A. Man!
The worst ones that you will ever see
It's said that comic books are for geeks
But they're not, they're for everybody!
Linkaaaaara!
Linkaaaaara!
If you doubt that I am a man...
I. Am. A. Man!
— Soren Beck: AT4W closing theme (used sporadically since 2009, but not fully used until late 2012)
Welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn.
Linkara’s gonna teach you all a lesson you won’t learn.
What’s with these awkward subjects?
Why’s all this art so rubbish?
To anyone who’s had a bad comic published, it could be your turn.
LINKARA! HE IS A MAN! *PUNCH*! Wears a purdy hat!
LINKARA! He has a magic gun…where’d he purchase that?
LINKARA! Cows, muscles, some trope he deconstructs!
LINKARA! This! Comic! SUCKS!
Linkara sits down nonetheless, and forces himself through it.
A poorly-written, ugly mess, but someone’s gotta do it.
It may look like this time he’s screwed,
And you might just find him in a fiery mood,
And if it may seem a bit extreme,
That’s fine in the eyes of the 90s Dude.
Setting ablaze crossovers, one-shots, and tie-ins,
Linkara stands in reality defiance
Atop the fourth wall, looking down on us all.
“Of course! Don’t you know anything about science?”
There would be better books on his show,
But Quesada sold them to Mephisto
And now there’s nothing left to do,
But share the scrapings at the bottom of the barrel with you.
LINKARA! (Atop the Fourth Wall) HE IS A MAN *PUNCH*! Sporadically a grouch!
LINKARA! (Atop the Fourth Wall) He has his own spaceship, but he’s always on his couch.
LINKARA! (Atop the Fourth Wall) Ghosts, gods, a universe in flux!
LINKARA! (Atop the Fourth Wall) This! Comic! SUCKS!
LINKARA!
Linkara’s gonna teach you all a lesson you won’t learn.
What’s with these awkward subjects?
Why’s all this art so rubbish?
To anyone who’s had a bad comic published, it could be your turn.
LINKARA! HE IS A MAN! *PUNCH*! Wears a purdy hat!
LINKARA! He has a magic gun…where’d he purchase that?
LINKARA! Cows, muscles, some trope he deconstructs!
LINKARA! This! Comic! SUCKS!
Linkara sits down nonetheless, and forces himself through it.
A poorly-written, ugly mess, but someone’s gotta do it.
It may look like this time he’s screwed,
And you might just find him in a fiery mood,
And if it may seem a bit extreme,
That’s fine in the eyes of the 90s Dude.
Setting ablaze crossovers, one-shots, and tie-ins,
Linkara stands in reality defiance
Atop the fourth wall, looking down on us all.
“Of course! Don’t you know anything about science?”
There would be better books on his show,
But Quesada sold them to Mephisto
And now there’s nothing left to do,
But share the scrapings at the bottom of the barrel with you.
LINKARA! (Atop the Fourth Wall) HE IS A MAN *PUNCH*! Sporadically a grouch!
LINKARA! (Atop the Fourth Wall) He has his own spaceship, but he’s always on his couch.
LINKARA! (Atop the Fourth Wall) Ghosts, gods, a universe in flux!
LINKARA! (Atop the Fourth Wall) This! Comic! SUCKS!
LINKARA!
— Vincent E.L. Gunslinger Theme, new version (first played in Episode 600, becomes permanent following the start of 2021)
Stood Atop the Fourth Wall
Mocking for y'all
Comics appalling
Feet strong,
Still standing tall
Not gonna fall
Gonna follow his calling
Some say, he is a man
Just a comic book fan
But nobody's certain
A champion
Magic gun in his hand
Fighting since it began
Until after the Curtain
Our magnificent comic defender is here
with a name that makes publishers tremble in fear
Linkara! Atop The Fourth Wall
He knows what to do when the world is in flux
Also, he's read your book and he thinks that it sucks
Linkara! Atop the Fourth Wall
From a parallel world,
Stepped Doctor Linksano.
They say it's not science,
But hey, what do they know?
He's not really a threat
For a genius, he hasn't accomplished much yet
...Unlike some unwelcome gifts
That also have managed to slip through the rifts
But Lord Vyce, is a thing of the past
And it seems Mechakara's been finally trashed...
...Right?
When evil, growing like cancer
Got Boffo the Clown, and the Ninja-Style Dancer,
Linkara, stepped up to the plate
Grabbed onto the fate
Of the world and defeated the hate
Inside 90's kid
Doing again what he always did the best...
... For that's what he does,
All the while burning bad comics because...
Our magnificent comic defender is here
with a name that makes publishers tremble in fear
Linkara! Atop The Fourth Wall
He knows what to do when the world is in flux
Also, he's read your book and he thinks that it sucks
Linkara! Atop the Fourth Wall
When Destrucity strikes,
He stands in the way,
With Harvey Finevoice, Pollo, and Nimue.
As both allies and enemies come and go,
A changed status quo never disrupts the show.
With shallowness blatant on every page,
Expect in return Adamantium Rage.
All issues addressed,
But his job is not done,
There's no day of rest
Aboard Comicron-1.
Our magnificent comic defender is here
with a name that makes publishers tremble in fear
Linkara! Atop The Fourth Wall
He knows what to do when the world is in flux
Also, he's read your book and he thinks that it sucks
Linkara! Atop the Fourth Wall
Linkara! Atop the Fourth Wall!
Mocking for y'all
Comics appalling
Feet strong,
Still standing tall
Not gonna fall
Gonna follow his calling
Some say, he is a man
Just a comic book fan
But nobody's certain
A champion
Magic gun in his hand
Fighting since it began
Until after the Curtain
Our magnificent comic defender is here
with a name that makes publishers tremble in fear
Linkara! Atop The Fourth Wall
He knows what to do when the world is in flux
Also, he's read your book and he thinks that it sucks
Linkara! Atop the Fourth Wall
From a parallel world,
Stepped Doctor Linksano.
They say it's not science,
But hey, what do they know?
He's not really a threat
For a genius, he hasn't accomplished much yet
...Unlike some unwelcome gifts
That also have managed to slip through the rifts
But Lord Vyce, is a thing of the past
And it seems Mechakara's been finally trashed...
...Right?
When evil, growing like cancer
Got Boffo the Clown, and the Ninja-Style Dancer,
Linkara, stepped up to the plate
Grabbed onto the fate
Of the world and defeated the hate
Inside 90's kid
Doing again what he always did the best...
... For that's what he does,
All the while burning bad comics because...
Our magnificent comic defender is here
with a name that makes publishers tremble in fear
Linkara! Atop The Fourth Wall
He knows what to do when the world is in flux
Also, he's read your book and he thinks that it sucks
Linkara! Atop the Fourth Wall
When Destrucity strikes,
He stands in the way,
With Harvey Finevoice, Pollo, and Nimue.
As both allies and enemies come and go,
A changed status quo never disrupts the show.
With shallowness blatant on every page,
Expect in return Adamantium Rage.
All issues addressed,
But his job is not done,
There's no day of rest
Aboard Comicron-1.
Our magnificent comic defender is here
with a name that makes publishers tremble in fear
Linkara! Atop The Fourth Wall
He knows what to do when the world is in flux
Also, he's read your book and he thinks that it sucks
Linkara! Atop the Fourth Wall
Linkara! Atop the Fourth Wall!
— Vincent E.L.: The Ballad of Linkara, from the 200th episode and 300th episode.
, from the 200th episode and 300th episode. Review Segments
"What plan?! She planned for Air Force One to be brought down? She planned to get knocked unconscious by Batman? She planned for the Bana to purportedly to be the real enemy only they're not, thus making their entire sub-plot utterly, totally, completely worthless??!"
— Linkara's commentary on Circe's "master plan" in Amazons Attack!.
"Let this be a lesson, kids—when debating, solve your disagreements not with words, but by screaming 'I AM A MAN!', and punching them in the guts."
— Linkara in his Superman: At Earth's End review, unknowingly introducing what would become one of his catchphrases.
"Suspension of Disbelief doesn't throw away all logic. It just allows me to believe that there are people that can run really fast or aliens that can shapeshift living among humans."
— Linkara
"Is there no honor among ninjas and ninja-style dancers?! Such a feud could likely result in an alliance between pirates and ninja-style dancers! I’m sorry, but I frankly think the phrase “Ninja-style Dancers” is up there among greatest comic book lines in all of history."
— Linkara on Nightcat's "ninja-style dancers"
"And so he upgrades his rig into a technologically advanced super-rig with radars and weapons and the like. But the most patently ridiculous part of this is the remote control he has for his truck that's inside of a silver dollar. And next he'll teach us how to put a TV remote inside of a quarter! Or how about a gun inside of a nickel!?"
— Linkara, "Top 15 WTF Moments in Bad Comics": #6: US-1's silver dollar remote control
"Gee, it's almost as if the villainous, psychotic, manipulative, crazy-green-scientist-man who calls himself 'The Jackal' was lying or something. Who would've guessed?"
— Linkara's commentary on Maximum Clonage when the Jackal orders Spidercide to kill Kane to Kane's surprise.
Linkara: You know, what is it about Ancient Egyptian artifacts that they always seem to have magic powers? Think about it: Black Adam got his powers from another mystical scarab, all the mummies that pop up because of necklaces and jewels... Oh, and let's not forget about the artifact that makes you want to play card games for the rest of your life. And to get through all this crap, you have to pass insurmountable odds in Indiana Jones-esque fashion, and more than one person would die along the way. It seems to me that Ancient Egypt was a freaking death trap! Screw archaeology! Ever think there was a reason this crap was buried?!
Disclaimer: Warning! The views of Linkara may not reflect the views of the producers of Atop the Fourth Wall... which is actually Linkara, so make of that what you will.
— Blue Beetle Tribute
So begins them [Triplicate Girl and Karate Kid] traveling around trying to find a cure for his [Karate Kid's] disease. Wait a second, I just realized something. These two are running around looking for a cure. Bob [the Monitor]'s group is running around looking for Ray Palmer. Jimmy [Olsen] and Forager are running around looking for the New God killer. Trickster and Piper are running around looking for a way out of their handcuffs. They should have just called this series Running Around Looking for Crap!
— Linkara, Countdown review Part 1
(after explaining Santa Claus Conquers the Martians) And yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus Conquers the Martians comic!
— Linkara in his final Christmas review of 2010
There are two kinds of magic in the world: Magic as a force that can grant the wondrous... and then there's narrative magic. The kind where we get the classic phrase:"It's magic we don't have to explain it".
— Linkara in his review of Superman: Distant Fires.
Yes, people, I have heard of Sonichu. I really wish I hadn't heard of Sonichu. I would be a much happier man if I hadn't.
— Linkara on Sonichu
I'm sorry, I didn't realize there wasn't a difference between "I do not care for this and it looks weird, but I heard a lot of people like it" and "This is the worst thing ever".
— Linkara, explaining what he said about The Maxx in response to a He Panned It, Now He Sucks! backlash.
Linkara: "What the hell?! It's... It's one panel. One tiny little panel in the corner of the page! With normal-sized font for the scream, only one exclamation point, and he's not even holding the word longer! You have got to be freakin' kidding me!! They gave more panel space for Kirk calling Khan a bloodsucker! IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE?! The most MEMORABLE scene in the movie! The thing that EVERYBODY thinks of when it comes to this movie! The epic YELL of rage and frustration, so powerful and so forceful and so LOUD that we see and hear it echo across Regula I... AND IT'S ONE TINY PANEL?!?! FAIL! YOU FAIL!!! HOW DO YOU SCREW THIS UP?!?"
—Linkara:, on how the comic version of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan handled the movie's most well-known scene, that of Kirk screaming "KHAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!"
Allow me to share a revelation I've had... For all of his bluster about "With great power comes great responsibility," Peter Parker is one of the most irresponsible superheroes ever. He never learns from his mistakes. Never takes into consideration how his life as Spider-Man affects everybody else.
Now some would say that's the core concept of the character: the constant struggle between the mask and the man. But he never actually gives any consideration to the man, preferring to make excuses about it. He disappoints people around him all the time because "something more important" was happening as Spider-Man. But instead of trying to find ways to balance his two lives properly, he will go out of his way to make excuses and just be sad that being Spider-Man hurt his personal life. If he places more importance on being Spider-Man, then he should distance himself from relationships that would hurt that. If he places more emphasis on being Peter Parker, he needs to sacrifice his time as Spider-Man.
Now, that's not always going to be the case for everyone in the real world. But Peter never actually changes as a result of his actions. He just makes the same mistakes over and over.
During a storyline called "The Other", when Peter was dying from an untraceable condition (this was also written by [ the author of "One More Day"], by the way), he admits that he doesn't even have life insurance. Peter has never made a plan about what would happen to his family if he were killed by a supervillain. He's never thought about the repercussions of his life if he should be maimed or killed while wearing the costume, to his wife or to his constantly dying aunt!
In a recent issue of "Avengers Academy", a group of teenage superheroes thought of several ways that he could have capitalized on being Spider-Man without revealing his identity to anyone. Now, admittedly, he was just a young, dumb teenager when he started out and didn't think of those things. But Peter is and has been an adult for decades now! Forget about whether you like Spidey being married or not. The character himself still seems to operate like he's in high school — never growing up, never seems to recognize adult relationships, and never actually taking responsibility for his life and the choices he's made. This is one of the reasons I decided to finally review "One More Day". The deal with Mephisto is symptomatic of a bigger problem for the character and the people who write him: the unwillingness for the character to become an adult. He's supposed to be roughly twenty-five years old at the time of this story — maybe closer to thirty. And yet he repeatedly approaches his problems like a sixteen year old would, and is never actually prepared to act like a mature adult.
I've made several jokes in the last two hundred episodes about how Peter Parker's life is an endless spiral of shame and misery, what with his friends and loved ones dying all around him or becoming supervillains because of his life as Spider-Man, and I mean it. The truth is that if Peter Parker ever cared about taking responsibility for his actions, he would have given up being Spider-Man a long time ago.
But hey, maybe that's just the reasoning of a jaded individual looking at this stupid-ass comic in hindsight. Of course I don't want Peter Parker to stop being Spider-Man. What I want is for him to be written like a goddamn adult already! But the writers — and Marvel editorial — seem to steadfastly refuse to let that happen. Spider-Man is just escapist fantasy to them. The reason why they don't think there's "drama" in marriage is because marriage is an aspect of real life, and they don't want the escapism of Peter Parker swinging through the air and stopping bad guys being infected with the drama of things that people have to endure in the real world.
And that's just hilarious since Spider-Man is supposed to be the character who does face the real life challenges of the world! That was what made his character so appealing to begin with: his ability to relate to the reader. But the truth is that the reader has grown up. The reader got married, had kids, has relatives that die, and they have to move on. The reader changed. But Peter Parker has not.
You know, recently, there was a rumor that Marvel was doing its own reboot to compete with the one DC did last year. They're not, of course, they're just releasing whole bunch of new Number Ones. But you know what? Maybe they should reboot Spider-Man. After all, if the creative teams are unwilling to let him get out of his high school life, then why the hell isn't he still there?
Now some would say that's the core concept of the character: the constant struggle between the mask and the man. But he never actually gives any consideration to the man, preferring to make excuses about it. He disappoints people around him all the time because "something more important" was happening as Spider-Man. But instead of trying to find ways to balance his two lives properly, he will go out of his way to make excuses and just be sad that being Spider-Man hurt his personal life. If he places more importance on being Spider-Man, then he should distance himself from relationships that would hurt that. If he places more emphasis on being Peter Parker, he needs to sacrifice his time as Spider-Man.
Now, that's not always going to be the case for everyone in the real world. But Peter never actually changes as a result of his actions. He just makes the same mistakes over and over.
During a storyline called "The Other", when Peter was dying from an untraceable condition (this was also written by [ the author of "One More Day"], by the way), he admits that he doesn't even have life insurance. Peter has never made a plan about what would happen to his family if he were killed by a supervillain. He's never thought about the repercussions of his life if he should be maimed or killed while wearing the costume, to his wife or to his constantly dying aunt!
In a recent issue of "Avengers Academy", a group of teenage superheroes thought of several ways that he could have capitalized on being Spider-Man without revealing his identity to anyone. Now, admittedly, he was just a young, dumb teenager when he started out and didn't think of those things. But Peter is and has been an adult for decades now! Forget about whether you like Spidey being married or not. The character himself still seems to operate like he's in high school — never growing up, never seems to recognize adult relationships, and never actually taking responsibility for his life and the choices he's made. This is one of the reasons I decided to finally review "One More Day". The deal with Mephisto is symptomatic of a bigger problem for the character and the people who write him: the unwillingness for the character to become an adult. He's supposed to be roughly twenty-five years old at the time of this story — maybe closer to thirty. And yet he repeatedly approaches his problems like a sixteen year old would, and is never actually prepared to act like a mature adult.
I've made several jokes in the last two hundred episodes about how Peter Parker's life is an endless spiral of shame and misery, what with his friends and loved ones dying all around him or becoming supervillains because of his life as Spider-Man, and I mean it. The truth is that if Peter Parker ever cared about taking responsibility for his actions, he would have given up being Spider-Man a long time ago.
But hey, maybe that's just the reasoning of a jaded individual looking at this stupid-ass comic in hindsight. Of course I don't want Peter Parker to stop being Spider-Man. What I want is for him to be written like a goddamn adult already! But the writers — and Marvel editorial — seem to steadfastly refuse to let that happen. Spider-Man is just escapist fantasy to them. The reason why they don't think there's "drama" in marriage is because marriage is an aspect of real life, and they don't want the escapism of Peter Parker swinging through the air and stopping bad guys being infected with the drama of things that people have to endure in the real world.
And that's just hilarious since Spider-Man is supposed to be the character who does face the real life challenges of the world! That was what made his character so appealing to begin with: his ability to relate to the reader. But the truth is that the reader has grown up. The reader got married, had kids, has relatives that die, and they have to move on. The reader changed. But Peter Parker has not.
You know, recently, there was a rumor that Marvel was doing its own reboot to compete with the one DC did last year. They're not, of course, they're just releasing whole bunch of new Number Ones. But you know what? Maybe they should reboot Spider-Man. After all, if the creative teams are unwilling to let him get out of his high school life, then why the hell isn't he still there?
— One More Day Review Part 1
Linkara: This freaking comic just said that the reason people play video games and enjoy escapist fiction is because they're losers who want something more with their lives! I don't know if it was Joe Quesada or JMS who wrote this, but considering JMS' body of work concerning speculative fiction and the fact that issues 3 and 4 of One More Day were heavily rewritten, I think it's fair to assume that Joe Quesada wrote this, in which case, I have something to say...YOU INSULTING, PATRONIZING DICKHEAD! How DARE you! How DARE you insult video game creators and players! How DARE you criticize people for enjoying escapist fiction when FRIGGING SUPERHERO COMICS ARE ESCAPIST FICTION!
— One More Day Review Part 2
Linkara: What's that? You want me to make jokes about how useless Aquaman is? Ha ha ha! (deep breath) Aquaman is the king of Atlantis, whose domain pretty much encompasses the entirety of the oceans. He owns seventy percent of the planet. He is super-strong, super-fast, and he can summon Cthulhu to eat your soul if he felt like it. The perception of Aquaman as useless is based on the Superfriends cartoon series, where Aquaman's superpower is that he owns a jet-ski. I don't make fun of Aquaman.
— Brave and the Bold #54
Boner. Boner boner. Boner boning a boner.
Beat
Boner-boner.
Beat
Erect penis.
Beat
Boner-boner.
Beat
Erect penis.
Linkara: Top 15 Comics I'll Never Review
Linkara: Even you wrote about his refusal to have guns back in The Dark Knight Strikes Again! Next thing you know the bat-cave is gonna have some massive ridiculous chaingun and [cut to Bearded Idiot with his massive chaingun] Oh, goddammit!
— All-Star Batman and Robin #5
Linkara: The All-Star line was meant to be an entry point to new fans, similar to the Ultimate line of books, by creating iconic, definitive stories for heroes with top-tier talent working on them. However, only All-Star Superman and All-Star Batman & Robin, the Boy Wonder were ever released. While All-Star Superman has its flaws, it is recognized as a massive success in how it showed the best parts of Superman: his kindness, decency, and everything about the character that made him so beloved an icon. It was so critically lauded that it got an animated straight-to-DVD adaptation written by the late, great Dwayne McDuffie. Conversely, All-Star Batman & Robin feels like a sick joke, a parody at best of the characters, lacking any of the elements that made Batman such an enduring character.
Critique him for realism, or how his mission is ultimately self-defeating, or how he could be more constructive if he used his money in other ways (which he does, but nevermind that), but I see Batman as a figure ultimately of how one can rise above tragedy to do good in the world and improve yourself. He is brusque, yes, but not heartless; aggressive, but not unethical. He drives himself to the extremes that he does, sacrifices himself and his happiness at times for one goal: so that no other eight-year-old child will ever have to go through what he did. Sometimes, he goes too far and sometimes he makes mistakes, but that's because he's not a god, nor should he be. He is human. If Superman represents the hope and compassion that humanity is capable of, Batman represents the determination and intellect that we are also capable of. Superman's worst foe is Lex Luthor, a wealthy genius who uses his power for evil, but Superman's best friend is Batman, a wealthy genius who uses his power for good.
The Batman of this story, however, is not any of those things. He is violent, judgmental, immature, manipulative, self-important, and most disgusting of all, cruel. He is cruel to the people who love him, equally cruel to those he fights against, and he is cruel to the one person he should know better than to be cruel to: a young boy who lost his parents like he did.
I finally figured out why we have all those other superheroes in this when this should just straight-up be about Batman, and the answer is: because it is still about Batman! These other heroes are supposed to be here to be compared to Batman. In this universe, if you don't follow Batman, obey his rules and his methods, you are ineffectual, naive, foolish, unprepared, or driven for the wrong reasons, and as I said back in the review of issue 8, this Batman is reflective of Frank Miller's own ideologies; thus the only way he can prop up his viewpoints, his terrible ideas of what makes a hero, is to make other heroes, other ideologies, look bad by comparison.
Critique him for realism, or how his mission is ultimately self-defeating, or how he could be more constructive if he used his money in other ways (which he does, but nevermind that), but I see Batman as a figure ultimately of how one can rise above tragedy to do good in the world and improve yourself. He is brusque, yes, but not heartless; aggressive, but not unethical. He drives himself to the extremes that he does, sacrifices himself and his happiness at times for one goal: so that no other eight-year-old child will ever have to go through what he did. Sometimes, he goes too far and sometimes he makes mistakes, but that's because he's not a god, nor should he be. He is human. If Superman represents the hope and compassion that humanity is capable of, Batman represents the determination and intellect that we are also capable of. Superman's worst foe is Lex Luthor, a wealthy genius who uses his power for evil, but Superman's best friend is Batman, a wealthy genius who uses his power for good.
The Batman of this story, however, is not any of those things. He is violent, judgmental, immature, manipulative, self-important, and most disgusting of all, cruel. He is cruel to the people who love him, equally cruel to those he fights against, and he is cruel to the one person he should know better than to be cruel to: a young boy who lost his parents like he did.
I finally figured out why we have all those other superheroes in this when this should just straight-up be about Batman, and the answer is: because it is still about Batman! These other heroes are supposed to be here to be compared to Batman. In this universe, if you don't follow Batman, obey his rules and his methods, you are ineffectual, naive, foolish, unprepared, or driven for the wrong reasons, and as I said back in the review of issue 8, this Batman is reflective of Frank Miller's own ideologies; thus the only way he can prop up his viewpoints, his terrible ideas of what makes a hero, is to make other heroes, other ideologies, look bad by comparison.
— All-Star Batman and Robin #10
Linkara: I think by now, you should know how I feel about Youngblood. In case you don't, it sucks! You can yell until you're blue in the face about how the concept of a proactive superhero team that has merchandising and appears on talk shows and are celebrities and crap is such a wonderful idea, and it's just the execution that fails, but in the end, it doesn't change that Youngblood sucks! You can tell me about the runs from Alan Moore or the revived series from 2011, and that's great if they really are good, but it just keeps bringing me back to the question of why the hell anyone would want to do anything with this series when there is so much friggin' baggage with it!! Look, my rant against the X-Men in my "Next 15 Screw-Ups" was half joking. I don't hate the X-Men and there are plenty of bad stories out there that have nothing to do with them, and there are great runs on the X-Men books. But Youngblood is a team that does not deserve all the hard work of creators! It's a bunch of unmemorable ripoff characters, growling and gritting teeth, and saying really stupid things, and squinting and doing over-exaggerated poses and all that crap! Let Youngblood die, already! Just let it die! Rob Liefeld does not deserve the amount of loyalty that he somehow has engendered!
What's that? Rob Liefeld is really enthusiastic about the industry and is really an awesome guy if you know him in person, and loves comics and everything about the medium? Yeah, well, I'm really enthusiastic about the medium, but no one says that I should be drawing comic books!!
Rob Liefeld can't write! Rob Liefeld can't draw! Rob Liefeld can't create! And don't go telling me about how he created Deadpool and Cable! One—he didn't create Deadpool! He created some boring-ass mercenary who spoke in yellow-colored speech bubbles! Nobody would give a damn about him if not for the work of everybody else but him! And as for Cable, most of my knowledge of the character comes from the animated series, but even if Cable really is all that awesome and iconic a character, well, congratulations. You have found one, all of one character that Rob Liefeld created that's actually good, except a good creator is capable of making more than just one good character! Liefeld, on the other hand, settles on inventing 60,000 characters, and none of them are good!
But to cite that Deadpool example again, is he really the one who created him if everything about the character that people like that was done by others? You show me a Rob Liefeld character that people like, and I'll show you the other creators who are responsible for you liking him.
The point is, companies, stop giving him work! Consumers, stop buying things with his name on it! And my fans, stop telling me about movies that are supposedly being made with his characters! Ooh, a Godyssey movie! I'm sure I'll see that NEVER, because not a single movie that Rob Liefeld's characters have been developed for has actually ever been made! And don't bring up "Not Deadpool" in the Wolverine movie! I should not have to explain that again - Deadpool's not really his character, that wasn't really Deadpool, and he wasn't the main character of the damn movie!! note
"The only thing to fear... is a giant yellow space bug that might turn you into a mass-murdering psychopath."
— Linkara, Top 15 Worst Heroes Becoming Villains
You know, I sometimes get asked why Camelot of all films is my favorite movie. And the reason is because it actually changed my life, or at least focused my beliefs into something that was a good solid foundation for a personal philosophy. Those who have power should use it to do good, that violence is not strength, compassion is not weakness, that revenge is utterly pointless. Superheroes are basically the equivalent of modern day knights errant, they go out and help people and fight injustices. But a lot of the best superhero comics are the ones not actually about superheroes hitting supervillains or each other, anything like that. It's the ones that show that superheroes are about kindness and decency and something far more noble than the adolescent power fantasies that people often critique them as. I think I hate this comic more than any other I've ever reviewed, because it is the complete antithesis of everything I believe in. Holy Terror says that you should be unkind, it says you shouldn't trust people, it says compassion will be repaid with violence, and that violence can only be answered with more violence, and that violence is strength. That hurting others is not only enjoyable and desirable, but that it should be employed first when dealing with threats. It says that if you have power, you should lord that power over others and do harm to them. It says that revenge is a worthy cause. It treats women as either victims or enemies, and don't assume Natalie Stack is immune to this criticism, trust me, the book ain't over yet. It tells us we should fear the other, the foreigner, the dark-skinned, the religion that's not your own. And you know what the damndest thing of all is? I am honest to God afraid of terrorism. Terrorism is real. There are people out there who want to kill me either because I'm from a different country or just because they're some angry misanthrope with a gun. That applies to both foreign and domestic terrorists. Terrorism is about making someone so afraid that they'll do what you tell them to. And the grand message of Frank Miller's Holy Terror is: Be afraid. Be terrified. And let's give in to that fear. And embrace every dark, sick and inhuman part of our souls as a result, and do everything to them that they will do to us. Frank... you must be so proud.
— Linkara on why he hates Frank Miller's Holy Terror
Let's talk about where I stand on the whole "Pro or anti registration" thing. I'm... mostly anti-registration, but am completely open to voluntary registration. Not necessarily of secret identities, but at least with the government knowing you're out there and who to contact about you. Some bureaucracy, but sure as hell not what we get in this event. One of the things that came out of this was the 50 State Initiative: each American state having at least one superhero team of their own. The thing is though, as we ended up seeing, ideas like the 50 State Initiative, at their core, were not about training and accountability, but conscription and militarization. If you have superpowers, you will follow this mandate, even if you don't want to use them as a superhero. It's the next of kin to the dreaded Mutant Registration act that always hung over the X-Men. (Ironically, the X-Men were mostly neutral in this conflict because of crap going on in their own books.) Don't get me wrong: collateral damage, both in buildings, and in human casualties, is a problem. There should be accountability when things go wrong, and hell, there should be formal training in people's powers. Despite what Vision claimed in the movie version of the comic, the rise of super powered beings did not mean an escalation of damage: the Chitari were going to invade whether there were super humans or not, HYDRA would still have been a thing, etcetera. People like the Avengers are not trying to cause problems. Their presence does not automatically mean there will be collateral damage. They're a response to the rising threats. These are the people who have been granted incredible gifts and use them to help people to the best of their abilities, often times at a sacrifice not others are willing to make. Because the thing is, we already have a term for beings who have incredible powers beyond the average human, that use their powers without regard for life, property, and the well-being of others: 'Super villains. Super Heroes, on the other hand, do care about collateral damage. They do feel guilty and traumatized and remorseful for what has happened, but they're not the ones who started it. Disregard anything your parents ever said about "It not mattering who started it". If that was true, no one would be allowed to defend themselves or others. Superheroes exist for a reason within these universes, because we don't live in the stupid world of The Purge, where people just wanna be assholes all the time and hurt others or crap like that. For the most part, people want to help each other, to do good and make the world better. That's what superheroes wanna do. But there are some people who are selfish, greedy, misguided, criminally insane, or just sadistic enough and wield power that cannot be stopped by ordinary humans. If they could, there wouldn't be a need for superheroes... The Registration Act turns these very people, who risked life and limb to save people over and over, into criminals. You are punishing people for trying to do the right thing. Forget about all the stupid, immoral jackassery on display in this event, the real reason that unites these two sides is that they want to be superheroes. They want to help people and to stop the bad guys. But the only thing that the creators did with this comic was turn the good guys into the bad guys.
— Linkara on why he hates Civil War (2006)
So… yeah. Let’s talk about this event for a moment and what it’s really about beyond just a sequel to Crisis on Infinite Earths.
Nostalgia can be toxic. Now bear in mind I did not say that it is toxic, but that it can be toxic. This assumption that because we have pleasant memories of something, that it was always good all the time. A desire to get that back ignores all the good that’s come since then as well as all the bad stuff that was there too, and it poisons you, making you more susceptible to deception, to your own greed. Who’s to say that your own past is more important than someone else’s future? And because you want something that may not have been real at all the farther the goalposts gets, because you can’t really reclaim it, so it just gets worse and worse. And you get greedier and more desperate for it because what you really want is never going to come; until, in the very end, you become the thing you hated in the first place. You become more concerned with chasing some imaginary feeling that you forget where you are and that you can create real attainable goals right now. To this mindset the past is more important than the future.
The Earth-2 Superman thinks that he can reclaim everything by bringing back something from his past. Superboy-Prime exemplifies this most of all, and in issue #4 his character works because it’s an actual tragedy. Someone who thinks he’s reclaiming something that’s his when, of course, it isn’t his. He’s too fixated on this ideal version of the world that he can’t believe that anything else is possible.
The reason I mock Superboy-Prime and other works is because he stopped being this cautionary tale and instead became a farce. A method for the writers — Geoff Johns in particular — to complain about angry fans who didn’t like his work. “Oh, they don’t like change. They only want something from their past”. But, as I said before, Geoff Johns is guilty of this too.
The man has never met a retcon he didn’t like. He likes to pretend plot points happen a certain way because it suits the story he wants to tell. Conner Kent is a perfect example of this. Geoff Johns is the one who introduces the retcon that Conner was also a clone of Lex Luthor because it served the story he wanted to tell. He is guilty of the exact same toxic nostalgia, wanting to recreate a world from his past by sacrificing the past of everybody else. And sometimes that world was better. Hal Jordan’s turn to evil was a bad, bad idea and fixing that was the right call. The difference between Superboy-Prime and Geoff Johns is that Geoff Johns is capable of fixing those mistakes while not sacrificing everything else that went along the way. Bear in mind, when he brought back Hal Jordan he didn’t kill Kyle Rayner just because “Well, you gotta clear the way for Hal”. It’s more about repairing the future rather than changing the past . Sure, he stills screws it up on occasion (Prime himself is the best example of that). But he’s usually intent on serving the larger picture. Superboy-Prime, however, is trapped in this sense of entitlement: his reality, his sacrifice is the only thing that matters to him. He feels he deserves it all and doesn’t care who he has to hurt to get it back; and, despite his constant proclamations, it’s because he’s not Superman. Superman is a promise to serve the world, all of humanity; hell, all of life itself. He puts the world before himself because that is the man he’s grown to be.
Superboy-Prime, though… well, he’s a teenager who suddenly got superpowers, lost his entire planet, got shoved into a glass prison with two old people and a weird, creepy guy who was technically only a few days old, and he gets to watch everybody else on Earth getting the happy ending he thinks he was supposed to get. Dude’s got issues.
Infinite Crisis is trying to be critical of this mindset but it also has no answer to the rightful criticisms that mindset lobbed at the DC Universe. It has gotten too dark. The heroes have done morally questionable things that have ended up hurting themselves and others. And, while it’s stil shaking its finger at all that, it revels in those same elements: Excessive violence, death, the heroes failing. All of it is personified in a teenager bawling his eyes out while literally ripping people apart and screaming “YOU’RE RUINING EVERYTHING!”.
— Infinite Crisis Review Part 2.
"Let's break down exactly why this works and not One More Day, shall we? The first reason should be the most obvious—Peter Parker and Miles Morales are not the same character. Peter is an adult who, from his characterization, does not compromise or make deals like he did with Mephisto, especially when the sacrifice would be his marriage. He has the life experience as an adult that should tell him that his aunt would not want this (plus the actual in-universe story that said she wouldn't want this, but that's neither here nor there), and that he has to accept that his aunt was going to die sometime, even if it was because of his role as Spider-Man. She accepted the risk when Peter talked to her about unmasking himself. Miles, on the other hand, is a teenager. He doesn't have the same complete and utter moral compass that Peter would—mostly because of his inexperience. Hell, being a teenager means his emotions would be considered stronger and overriding any rational thought he has.
Which brings up the second point: Peter had a whole day to consider the offer from Mephisto with Mary Jane, and he accepted it when all reason should tell him it was wrong and a bad idea. Here, Mephisto tells Miles that he needs to decide quickly or he'll change his mind, so he doesn't have time to think of the potential ramifications of his decision and what Mephisto might actually be after.
And then there's the third point with that: with Peter, Mephisto actually demanded something that should have been more important to him—his love and marriage to MJ—for what could have been a trick. Like, maybe he heals her bullet wound but then Aunt May dies in a car crash a day later or something. Here, Mephisto was claiming 'no strings attached', not knowing the lesson that the Kingpin once spoke:
And finally, most importantly, Peter and MJ's memories were erased that the deal ever happened, robbing us of the potential story opportunities that would have made it slightly more palatable—the guilt and regret over making such a decision and realizing too late that it was a mistake. It just makes it a stupid retcon with no actual consequences for the characters. Here? Not so much. Miles remembers everything. And it tears him apart."
—Linkara explaining the difference between Peter Parker's and Miles Morales's respective deals with Mephisto, "The Champions, vol. 3 #1-4: Beat the Devil"
It's easy to look at the terrible things happening at any given point in history and see all the examples of greed, corruption and evil... But it's also easy to overlook the compassion. The decency. To see people being nice and good and wonderful! That's my "Deconstruction" of superheroes. People can be, and are, kind. So why wouldn't someone with incredible abilities be kind too?"
—Linkara discussing Superhero Deconstruction stories in his What's So Funny About Truth, Justice & the American Way? review.
Here’s what I’ve been leading up to this entire time with my frustrations with this book: it does not understand fascism. It thinks it does, and it seems to be leaning in the direction of it — what with this whole “they think they’re strong” thing — but unfortunately, the comic has kind of spent its entire length reinforcing the lie.
See, [HYDRA-Cap] was still only able to lift the hammer because of “strength.” It kind of bought into the greatest lie that fascists ever told: that it is strong. That it is orderly. That it is might and power and deference to might and power. For the longest time, the popular belief about Nazi Germany was that it was an efficient war machine that took a broken people and almost conquered the world. The truth is, the methods they used were inefficient, corrupt, and ultimately self-defeating. They cared more about propaganda and pushing out an image of fortitude than actually doing anything that would truly help themselves. They used scapegoats, bigotry, anything they could to try to get people on board with the programs, even while they suffered under them.
And yet, at every turn, the comic keeps trying to make HYDRA look like some unstoppable juggernaut: utilizing seemingly cool iconography; improvements on the world like advancing science, and better test scores, and more jobs; and sure, the concentration camps and restrictions on free speech and stuff are mentioned, but more like glanced over and ignored, especially since we got our "benevolent leader" Steve Rogers who just wants to help.
Fascism is cowardly. It is selfish. It is self-serving. It is corrupt and greedy. The writing keeps trying to make HYDRA-Cap sympathetic, like he’s just regular old Steve Rogers, but bending the rules a bit — and thanks to both the Punisher’s talk and the Omega issue, it’s revealed he totally planned to just restore everyone who had been killed in all this to life; not even the “rebooting the universe” thing of Hal Jordan; just undo all the damage and everything would be hunky dory! He’s so tortured by all the terrible things he had to do or let others do. He just wants to make the world better! Is that so wrong?
Yeah, no. Fascism is not kind. It is not decent. It does not care about the individual, because the individual is subservient to the state, and in particular, whoever runs that state. It is not compatible with Steve Rogers.
Fascism does not fight for “the greater good.” It fights for the exultation of the inhuman, the commemoration of cruelty, and the hatred of the different. Fascism is a loser ideology. This story thinks that fascism is just a generic dictatorship, and that’s especially why it doesn’t feel as relevant as Marvel and Nick Spencer wanted it to feel. There’s no mention of how many become fascists nowadays: the radicalism, preying on the downtrodden, and using them as scapegoats, giving would-be fascists a taste for it by being “edgy” and bucking against a system that wants understanding and empathy, but they claim is just a “nanny state” or “policing your behavior.” It doesn’t show how that transitions into starting to hate others for simply being alive, how it takes advantage of their selfishness, turning irony into outright bigotry. It doesn’t show the tactics wherein they try to come across as the “civil,” “reasonable” ones, when really they’re just trying to get a platform to spread their gospel. It doesn’t show the boot-lickers, the ones who are happily ready to sell out their fellows because they smell power and opportunity. The ones who do so in the book? Just the misguided, the blackmailed, or the mind-controlled. It doesn’t show that it’s not really about trying to make the world better; someone changing from insecurity to cruelty, and the cruelty is the point.
—Linkara explaining why Secret Empire fails at being a serious depiction or condemnation of fascism
And I hate that I still have to say this after all this time, but while I am critical, while I am disparaging this work, and it deserves to be disparaged... for the love of God, DO NOT ATTACK THE CREATORS! DO NOT SEND DEATH THREATS! It's a bad story, and we should criticize a bad story, but don't become a goddamn super villain yourself! Tom King got death threats over this, and that is so much worse than a bad story!
—Linkara calling out certain people online who attack creators of things they dislike, Heroes in Crisis
This scene... and Superman's action right here... This is what finally killed the film for me, killed any interest I may have had in further DC projects set in this universe or with this Superman. The rest of the film sucked, but in a "ugh, whatever, move on" kind of way. But this... This is what made me hate the movie.
Superman is supposed to be better than us, and even this movie told us that Superman is meant to be something better, the light to guide humanity to something better... and a Superman that kills most certainly is not any of that. In Infinite Crisis, the modern Superman told his Earth-2 counterpart that his world couldn't be perfect, because a perfect world doesn't need a Superman. And I say that our world doesn't need a Superman that kills, because it makes the world that much worse.
In my opinion, and you can disagree with me, but I'm going to keep saying it because it's my show... Superman should never, ever, ever... EVER... kill. Ever.
And I know that some of you are just LINING up in the comments: "But wait! What about this comic story where he does kill or is okay with it?", or "He killed in this comic, but he felt really bad about it!" Those few times when, in modern comics, Superman has taken a life, citing them as some sort of "But it's comic-accurate, Linkara!" kind of things.
And to that, I say... Batman hates rock and roll, except he's also a big fan of The Clash. Wonder Woman worked at a Taco Bell for a while, but didn't know how to pump gas. Ted Kord was a money-grubbing jokester, always making "get rich quick" schemes... and also, he was a serious crimefighter and a genius that allowed him to be a multimillionaire with his company. Sometimes, what's in the comic books isn't consistent, and different writers do different stupid things, and sometimes, comic writers are just plain wrong! I mean, I'd really hope, after me doing this show for fourteen years, you'd recognize that!
This scene is wrong. This is offensive to me as a Superman fan. This scene is why I hate this movie more than Batman v Superman. All the other stuff was bad; it would have made this just a bad movie already... but this was where I decided that the DC Cinematic Universe would never, ever be anything close to what it could be. Because it starts with the greatest superhero of all time taking a life.
—Linkara explaining why he despises the infamous Neck Snap scene in Man of Steel
Hmm... Are they, though? See, the funny thing about human history is that time and again, what we repeatedly see in times of struggle and hardship is that most people will actually try to act decently and help others.
There are major exceptions, of course, and it's easy to see the rich and powerful acting like jackasses time and again, but a recurring motif of those kinds of people are that they were already jerks throughout their lives. They didn't get told "no" enough; they didn't face hardships, and therefore, couldn't imagine other people dealing with hardships; or they were ruthless enough so that it didn't matter how many they had to step on to get where they are, taking advantage of people's kindness or trust to enrich themselves at their expense. But that just means that most people are decent and trusting because some will take advantage of their generosity, and it can be difficult to spot those exceptions because of people's inherently good natures.
Now, it's easy to fall into a belief that people generally aren't as good when we see very loud, repeated examples of people being assholes (like, say, during a pandemic), but I wonder how many of them aren't also a case of being fed a certain belief system that emphasizes "screw you, got mine" or equates caring about others as "taking away your freedom", because they trusted the words and opinions of people who don't care about others already. And it's easy to take a pessimistic view of humanity in turn when media tends to emphasize stories of people being jackasses over stories of people helping others, which, of course, happens just as frequently, if not more so, than the jerky ones.
Or, as one of America's leading philosophers, Garfield Arbuckle, once put it... "You are not immune to propaganda."
—Linkara on human decency, Maximum Carnage
Now, some people have a real problem with this solution, that it's just too ridiculous; a gun that shoots "feel-good rays", and after all this story, it's just too silly. [beat] These people are wrong. Ah, I kid, I kid; difference of opinion, and all.
I get why people can't accept this and find it just goofy; for me, this is the only way this story could possibly resolve satisfactorily. Throughout it, they've been dealing with violence, murder, and aggression; negativity and evil from people who find the very concept of love a sick joke, to the point where they declare themselves a "family" centered around abuse and hurting people, mocking the very idea of people who care about each other. The heroes throughout the story have tried to meet them head-on, fight fire with fire, or even just use traditional superhero tactics of punching them and tying them up. But these are villains utterly ruthless and relentless; when you're dealing with a relentless, implacable enemy, you can't necessarily fight them on their own terms. They've tried fighting violence with more violence every step of the way... and it's gotten them nowhere.
Sure, the writers could've just had Spider-Man punch each of them out and let that be the end of it, but what would that have proven? What would that have said in the philosophical theme of the story, about human decency, of engaging the enemy with the same lack of ethics that they possess? It'd just be Superman: At Earth's End: a gun-toting Superman saying that guns are evil... while resolving the situation by using guns.
But instead, they use the villains' evil plan... and turned it back on them. If she could inspire evil in people, then they can inspire good.
—Linkara defending the "good bomb", Maximum Carnage
Maximum Carnage is overall great, as I hope I have demonstrated. It is not without flaws, of course; you could easily cut out a lot of Part 10, condense down the final part, cut Nightwatch entirely, maybe cut the nightclub attack and... basically trim this down to a much more acceptable twelve-part saga. And of course, the violence is pretty hard, and there's a heavy death toll on this one when it comes to civilian casualties, but in the end, hope does prevail.
The problem with Maximum Carnage is that a lot of people took it at face-value; that it's just 90's excess, with murder and mayhem and horror with tons of characters crossing over and interacting for no good reason, and that it revels in its violence. That's not the idea at all; Maximum Carnage is a story about rejecting that. Because constantly throughout the story, everyone's trying to push Spider-Man into becoming one of those kinds of uber-violent vigilantes, that he has to kill and destroy and grit his teeth... but in the end, he refuses.
It's a story about hope, of humanity's better angels prevailing against evil. It gets muddled in a few spots, particularly with tacking on another issue when things resolved themselves pretty well in Part 13 — you didn't need to have the fake dead Carnage; just have Carnage be unconscious — but ultimately, this is a story of how Spider-Man looked darker, more edgy and anti-hero tactics right in the face... and made them blink instead.
I get why people don't like it, especially the resolution... but this is a superhero story. Shriek laughed at the Infinity War stuff as being "too hokey for words", but this is the story of a man with spider powers teaming up with a woman dressed as a cat, a living vampire, a cyborg, a woman with fire powers, a guy dressed in American flag colors who was frozen in ice from World War II... Superheroes are hokey, because they present a world sillier and more fun than our own; solving problems in ridiculous, optimistic ways is great. Superheroes are a genre of optimism, dang it, that people are worth saving and helping, even if it means putting on a mask to do it.
It's weird to think about the fact that this was a year before The Clone Saga started. The thing I always read about in regards to the lead-up to it was how Spider-Man had gotten so dark, the character was being rejected by fans because of the paces they were putting him through, and the belief that maybe it was time to shake things up for the better, but, like... here's Spidey in 1993, going through a very physically and emotionally draining storyline, yet coming out on top renewed and happy. I mean, sure, we have the "robot parents" reveal, Aunt May in the hospital, the machinations of Harry Osborn left behind after this; it's a lot, but I was under the impression that the darker turn for Spidey had been over the course of, like, two to three years before The Clone Saga began, not just a single year.
Then again, when you're printing four or five Spider-Man books at the same time, I guess it's a few years' worth of stuff all happening at once.
—Linkara summing up his thoughts on Maximum Carnage
Oh, Frank Miller. People have softened on you quite a bit the last few years. Not that the awful works you've done in the past are being re-evaluated; just that Frank has noticeably kept his mouth shut since that 2018 interview where he said he was really sorry for making Holy Terror.
Well, actually, he didn't say that, but a lot of people seem to think he did. As a reminder, he simply said that "I wouldn't erase any of my past works, but I'm not capable of that kind of book again." That's not acknowledging, "I was wrong to say a lot of bigoted things against Muslims."; that's just, "I'm older, and it's harder to stay angry all the time."
I want him to not be racist, homophobic, or sexist. I want EVERYONE to not be those things! But part of the process of not being those anymore is acknowledging, "Wow, I did that, and it was wrong." It's really not enough to just say, "Yeah, that was pretty bad, but whatever."; if there was any remorse for his actions, then either bad journalists didn't write them down, or he refuses to say it out loud out of personal embarrassment, and frankly, I find that attitude cowardly.
I've talked before about my own shames, past works of mine I'm embarrassed by, attitudes and opinions that I held that I now recognize were wrong. You go forward, you apologize, you acknowledge, and then you DO BETTER.
Todd Chavez: You can't keep doing shitty things and then feel bad about yourself like that makes it okay!
Still, the fact that we haven't had any new horribly offensive interviews floating around from him in the last few years is a good sign, at least, that he may not be as awful a person as he was. [beat] Pity he's still not that great a writer anymore.
Around August 2008, I was kind of directionless. I had written a bunch of reviews of terrible comics for my blog in the style of The Agony Booth or Jabootu's movie reviews, but that was time-consuming for a hobby, and I felt like I wasn't really getting much out of it. My blog transitioned into more of a general "talking about comics" kind of thing (especially complaining about the two Titans books at the time), but I felt like I needed to actually do something for a career, or at least turn my passion for talking about bad comics into something that could make me money.
And so I hit upon the idea: a book full of reviews of some of the worst comic books ever made. I got to work on those reviews — obviously, in hindsight, there are much worse out there than the ones I chose to do — but standards were different, and some I didn't even know about. So behind the register at the Barnes & Noble I worked at, I got to work; I wasn't allowed to do anything behind that counter but write, so write I did, scripting a review of this... goofy, stupid, idiotic book about a trucker superhero with a metal plate in his head, and he controlled his big rig with a remote control in a silver dollar.
And then, in October of that year, I started making video reviews instead of text ones, and for my seventh episode, I adapted that review of the trucker comic into a video. And that was the first time I talked about... US-1.
Hello and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. I'm big into celebrations; the world sucks enough as it is, so give me something to party about, I say. This year is the 15th anniversary of Atop the Fourth Wall, but I sadly haven't really had much in the way of representing that celebration... but we do have this review.
US-1 has been with this show since December 6, 2008. I haven't done anything more with Judd Winick's crappy Titans book; Sinnamon got one other review; and it'll probably take us another 20 years to finish off Doom's IV, given the pace of that series. But US-1? There may have been some gaps here and there talking about it over the years, but we keep coming back to it over and over, and here we are at the final issue.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're not done talking about Ulysses Solomon Archer, for he's made plenty of appearances in other books over the years (particularly in She-Hulk), but this is still the end of an era.
I mean, the original theme song mentions the truck, for crying out loud. What a ride it has been with this character: hypno-whips, biker gangs, demonic truckers, aliens, blimps, chicken races, betrayal, heartbreak, sentient vehicles, and of course, the most important thing of all...
Rex Viper Rigs: Drivin' around in fuckin' trucks!
And all this from a toy tie-in book about slot car racers!
US-1, I salute you. When I started this journey, I thought you were one of the worst comics ever made; 15 years later, I realize how wrong I was and how full of unnecessary anger I was at just the silly premise... but then again, how the hell could I have predicted Marville?
With that, let us get into this, the final issue of US-1's solo series. In our penultimate issue, we discovered that Jeff, U.S. Archer's beloved brother and supposedly murdered by the Highwayman, was in fact the Highwayman himself; Jeff, it turns out, had always been jealous of his brother, and he was finally given the opportunity to act on it. Jeff had been abducted by aliens to act as some kind of representative of theirs... but only because they messed up and originally wanted Ulysses; in fact, they were the ones who put the metal plate in his head that gave him his incredible abilities and made a contest of it: see if U.S. was really better than his brother... and he never won a decisive victory. As such, it all comes down to this final issue: the way to determine which of the two gets to work for the aliens.
Nimue: And now, the conclusion.
Let's dig into US-1 #12 and see how this saga ends.
—Linkara's intro to US-1 #12
This comic is a great finale. It's got action, it's got resolution on the characters, it's got heart, and it's got a lot of goofiness, which is especially hilarious when you think about how this is a comic promoting slot cars... and now they're flying through space, meaning you can't even pretend they're on a racing slot anymore.
There are a few critiques I have. Some of the art is... questionable, especially when they vary the usual angles we see our heroes, but it's not too often. Retread never really had anything happen to him in all the time he was part of the cast; maybe there were some plans to do something with him and his backstory before the book was canceled, but otherwise, he was just there so U.S. had somebody to talk to.
And the big issue I have is that Jeff in space was the last time we saw him in the book; I would've preferred some kind of wrap-up with him, some way of the two finally making up with each other and Jeff realizing that even after everything that happened, his brother still loved him, and maybe U.S. would invite him to join him in space and the two could have a fresh start together. But no; next time we see Jeff in the comics, he's still a villain, and in fact, would make a deal with Satan to become a legit supernatural threat.
As for U.S. himself, as I've been saying, this is not the last time we see him, but the end of his solo series means the end of this version of the character. Al Milgrom wrote the book during its whole run and injected so much fun into it.
US-1 has been a delight since the first time I showcased it; sure, back then, I played up the anger and vitriol, but the truth is, I had a lot of fun with this, giving me so much material to the point where I thought that this was one of the best early episodes to show off a good script. But now? I'm just glad we've gone on this adventure together; from a trucker superhero to a trucker in space, I have indeed enjoyed the ride, Ulysses, and I look forward to seeing your adventures from here on out. See you, space cowboy.
—Linkara summing up his thoughts on US-1 #12
This manga is fun, cute, and funny, and I think it's a nice way to put a cap on the Ring reviews.
The ghost girl who died alone, betrayed, hated, and feared finally gets to let go of her hatred by having fun through creation, finding love and appreciation via her videos and building friendships with others. It may not bring one to tears like Sadako at the End of the World, but it'll bring a smile through humor and Sadako getting to experience some true happiness through the art of something that we all enjoy: video creators.
The greatest gift that I ever receive in doing this job is being told that I helped people through a difficult time in their life, that my goofy, snarky reviews where I say "boner" a lot and put on a silly Batman voice has actually made their life better, and I think that's true for any YouTuber.
It's not an easy job; as I've hinted at, long hours, mental health issues, stress, becoming nocturnal, pressure to perform and be successful, a bit of self-loathing if you hate your own voice or face or anything. But this is still the best job in the world, and I'm proud to have done it for 15 years and got to make you out there laugh. While some wince at the term "content creator" — because it implies just someone churning out content mindlessly — I like to focus on the second word there, because this is a creation, and the act of creation — of art in particular, be it a comedic review, a painting, or as with Sadako, a cursed video — is incredibly liberating and fun.
Aya Tsutsumi, the manga artist who made this book, loves The Ring — even the novels, that I don't — and made this affectionate parody, a breezy comedy that pokes fun at the franchise while also celebrating it and its main character, as well as celebrating and poking fun at YouTube culture, and I really enjoy it. It's not going to win any big comedy awards or do some kind of daring, edgy new material that'll revolutionize how we see things, but it doesn't have to; it just needs to be fun. And while it doesn't have a big ending that it's been building to, sometimes just an ending is enough, and I feel like we've come to a good ending for our favorite ghost girl who loves retro physical media.
If you do seek this one out, bear in mind that a lot of its formatting seems more aligned with gag-a-day strips (owing it to originally being planned as a web-only release), with some plot threads abandoned halfway through a conversation to focus on something else, but that ain't bad, either. These three years of looking at Ring manga have been great, and I only hope the next three — whatever I end up looking at — are just as fun.
—Linkara summing up his thoughts on Sadako-san and Sadako-chan
Well, I can definitively say that the Empire did, in fact, strike back, fulfilling the one thing it needed to accomplish. [beat] Unfortunately, this comic kinda sucks.
It's not entirely without merit; it is still The Empire Strikes Back, after all. But while you can forgive some adaptation choices of condensing stuff or leaving in lines that would eventually be cut in the finished movie, you really have to wonder why the artists, Al Williamson and Carlos Garzon, kept failing to include really visual, important moments of the movie, and instead just pulling back and letting the narration do the heavy lifting.
Sure, even as a movie adaptation, this was probably made using the Marvel Method, where the writer would just include so much narration, almost distrustful of the artists to get the point across. But I have to imagine they knew how significant some of these shots are, but instead letting dialogue and narration captions tell us what's going on instead of showing us. I will grant it that it manages to condense the movie into six issues of less-than-average length, and it doesn't feel like it's too overstuffed, but for a movie that had great cinematography, the art failed to convey how good the movie looked.
I started this review with the question, "What makes The Empire Strikes Back the best Star Wars movie?"note And I think it's a lot of things: competent heroes; competent villains; tense situations; the "war" of the title; the big moments being treated like big moments; and the terrible, tragic events treated as the terrible, tragic events they are.
We see the triumphs of the villains and want our heroes to rise up that much more... but can't just yet. And I think that's one of the big factors of its success, the thing I keep speaking about when it comes to why I love superhero comics: It leaves us wanting more. It leaves us wanting the next chapter, to see our heroes finally get that victory they so rightly deserve.
Having a dark story is one thing, but it's not about wallowing in misery; it's about getting back up and resolving the darkness in some way that leaves the audience satisfied. It does what it promised it would do: push our heroes to their breaking point, as the Empire proves how strong they are even without a Death Star. And yet, our heroes make it through; they haven't won through yet, but we know they will.
And it gets us to think about the Force in new ways, too: as a way of bringing these people together, just as all things are joined by it. The dark side came out on top today, but not tomorrow.
—Linkara summing up his thoughts on the Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back comic adaptation
Story Segments
I'm not some pretty boy with marital problems. I don't have some confused psyche or unresolved parental issues. You're not dealing with a Silent Hill protagonist here! Time and again, someone got it into their head that they could defeat me. Time and again they beat me down, they knocked me out, and they tried to make me give up. You come at me with insecurity, self-doubt, and angst? You try to make me doubt who I am? I am the man who defeated Pyramid Head. I am the man who conquered Countdown. I am the man who fought off the Vohrsoth and destroyed Mechakara! I am the liberator of Kickassia! I am a Starfleet captain! I am a Power Ranger! I'm That Guy With The Hat! I am Linkara!
— Linkara, Silent Hill Dead/Alive Issue 5
This is Linkara, Calling Lord Vyce. If you are receiving this signal, then you may wanna take that huge-ass helmet off you head and listen for a minute. Listen, I just wanted to tell you how deeply honored I am. You see, I was once told you were the stuff of nightmares for gods and monsters alike. And that's why I'm so honored, you see. You've seen fit to show me your true colors-and the main one is a big bright shade of yellow, All that you see, you conquer, huh? Well, I guess you never did really set your eyes on me then, you were too busy looking the other way and running for your life. And it's a good thing, too- you've shown just how inadequate you are. You're not up to the task of facing this "Entity" you're so afraid of. Tell you what- why don't you go tuck your cape between your legs and run home, while I deal with it- after all, it's what you're good at. However, if you want to prove me wrong, you know where to find me.
— Linkara taunting Vyce, Youngblood #3
"Beneath the seas, beside the flame
Off the coast where the lost beast came
To bring the world misery and shame
A piece of the world is missing"
"The path you should have never crossed
The beast exacts a heavy cost
The number of the beast is lost
You will know it by its hissing"
"The bones from hell you cannot tame
Devour your life and all your fame
That is the price to play its game
And all while you're reminiscing"
— The poem of Entity
"'A piece of the world is missing'. It doesn't mean that it's gone... It's your NAME!!!
— Linkara, in his show's biggest Wham Line to date.
Linkara (voiceover): There is a sound in my nightmares. It is a hiss, a screeching of notes that comes from a game that I played as a child. It is shrill and high-pitched, grating on your soul like nails upon a chalkboard. This was not the sound of any natural creature. This is an abomination; a perversion of the programmed perfection of the world. In other times and other places and in my book, they called it 'The Lost Beast'; but to me, it shall always have a different name...
Linkara: Missing№.
— Recap Reveal
I am the Voiceless.
I am the Never-Should.
The Beautiful Horror.
I am Glitch.
I am all things terrible and wonderful and all things in-between.
I. Am. Missing.
— The Entity/Missing№
Linkara walks into the living room and faces Missing№.
Missing№: Welcome back, hyuuumaaaan. Is this the part where you fight me?
Linkara: No, no. There's really nothing for me to do. I could shoot you with increasingly larger guns, but it wouldn't work. I could pull some exciting new morpher out of my pants and hope it would give me the power to defeat you, but we both know that wouldn't work either.
Missing№: No, it would not.
Linkara: There is no way to fight you.
Missing№: I am an Outer God, hyuuumaaaan. You are tiny.
Linkara: And there you have it! I could never hope to beat you; it's impossible. The only choice I have is to surrender, because there is simply. Nothing. Else. I can do.
Missing№: Then welcome to my glory, hyuuumaaaan...
Linkara: Uhh, before I become one with your glory and everything, there i—there is just one thing... a question.
Missing№: You may speak...
Linkara: After I'm... consumed by you, what're you going to do next?
Missing№: I will spread throughout this universe until it and I are the same—till it and I are the same. From there, I shall do as I have done before: I shall travel from universe to universe and they shall become extensions of my being, simultaneously piece and whole. Every star, every cosmos, every dimension, all things living and dead shall become meee... No empty space, no limit, nothing existing except for me. Existence shall become solely defined by me because I am existence!
Missing№: What?
Linkara: I was just curious. What're you going to do after you finish your goal?
Missing№:(confused) I... will exist. Everything will be me and—.
Linkara: Yes, yes, yes, we know that part, but what are you going to do? You will exist, neato! What're you going to do to pass the time? You will have absorbed -everything-, and I do mean everything. You will not just be the only being in the universe, you will be the universe! So... whaddaya gonna do -as- the universe? Will you create things? Well I suppose you wouldn't 'cause creating something would mean it would be different from you, and you'd just -reabsorb- it back in anyways, so... again, I ask: what are you going to do once you've completed your goal?
Missing№: Existence is... existence is... important part...
Linkara: Yes, but why do you want that goal?
Missing№: Ev...erything should... and must... be me... everything should and must be me.
Linkara: And when everything is you, what are you going to do next!? What is your purpose when your purpose has been fulfilled?! What will be your meaning when you have made the ultimate achievement?! Is 'existing' just an end in itself? Well that can't be it, because you're already existing, and are therefore fulfilling that part of it!
(visual effects ensue as he walks around Missing№/90's Kid)
Linkara: "So go ahead and create your kingdom of the Never-Should! Let the Glitch be everything, the distortion the reality! Become everything there is down to the tiniest particle until you are literally existence itself! In the end, you'll still have the same damn problem: that's there is no challenge left- No Heaven to aspire to, no Hell to avoid. You will live forever, alone as everything, and existence itself shall be your prison! All experiences will be a part of you; all possibilities will have been considered and completed. Every life-form, every molecule, every single Should and Never-Should and it will all. Have been. Done. Everything will be you, and everything will be meaningless. And when you do become existence — when the definition of existence equals Missing№ — you will scream your shrill hiss and let it vibrate along the totality of your being, When the lie of your existence is lain bare, because there is simply. Nothing. Else. For you. To DO!!
(visual effects ensue as he walks around Missing№/90's Kid)
Linkara: "So go ahead and create your kingdom of the Never-Should! Let the Glitch be everything, the distortion the reality! Become everything there is down to the tiniest particle until you are literally existence itself! In the end, you'll still have the same damn problem: that's there is no challenge left- No Heaven to aspire to, no Hell to avoid. You will live forever, alone as everything, and existence itself shall be your prison! All experiences will be a part of you; all possibilities will have been considered and completed. Every life-form, every molecule, every single Should and Never-Should and it will all. Have been. Done. Everything will be you, and everything will be meaningless. And when you do become existence — when the definition of existence equals Missing№ — you will scream your shrill hiss and let it vibrate along the totality of your being, When the lie of your existence is lain bare, because there is simply. Nothing. Else. For you. To DO!!
Missing№: You are... confusing me... You are attempting a deception!
Linkara: Me? Deceive an Outer God? I sincerely doubt that.
Missing№: You-you... I must continue! You-you... shall become a-
Both: A part of me/you!
Linkara: Yeah, yeah, yeah except it doesn't matter! In the end, you'll still be there; alone in the darkness of mere being- forever! What it all boils down to is that you are no more significant than a single pixel on a screen-
Missing№: SILENCE! (Linkara is thrown to the floor by a glitch blast)
Missing№: (begins pacing the room) Reason, no— Cannot exile, cannot reconcile— Existence is purpose, but purpose is undefined- Existence is purpose, but purpose is undefined- Existence is-i-is-is-i-i-is purpose, b-b-bu-bu-b-bu-but undefined... -Purpose, purpose itself not solution... - If-if-if-if to be all that is cannot solve...! - Then examine what cannot be known through existence- then examine what cannot be known through existence then examine what cannot be known through existence— Soooooolution to equation... non-existent..?
Linkara: You're an Outer God, yes?
Missing№: Correct.
Linkara: You are beyond good and evil; a being more complex and grand and terrible than anything that has existed or ever will exist...
Missing№: Ye-yes-es-yeess...
Linkara: Then... I submit a question to you, Outer God. A possibility to explore.
Missing№: DECLARE IT.
Linkara: What happens to an Outer God... when it dies?
Missing№: *Slasher Smile* Iiiiii will fiiiiiind ooooouuuut...
I remember my death note
The world is at zero, six, and seven note
The Babylonians knew the truth note
The major theme of Lovecraftian Horror is hopelessness. Insignificance. How tiny and unimportant we are in the grand scheme of things, and how, inevitably, we will be destroyed, or consumed, or turned into mindless slaves by beings that we can't even begin to comprehend. I believe in hope. I believe there's always a solution, always a way to beat the bad guys, but these... Outer Gods - these things - exist to tell us that "no, there is no way to beat things in the end," and I cannot abide that! All the people we love, all the things we do in life, everything that makes life worth living. . . it's significant, goddamit! We are all important! Everything we do is so. God. Damn. Important! I beat the Entity by tricking it - by convincing it that life was meaningless, and I sure as hell don't believe that! But if the Entity is still alive, or if someone like Vyce becomes it, then we're doomed, because... 'cause there's nothing else that we can do. And the same despair that killed it will kill us. And I will not let that happen. If the Entity is alive - or if Vyce becomes it - then I am gonna be the one to shove a sword through its face, just so I can get up close enough to scream in their ear that WE! ARE! IMPORTANT! Every one of us is important! Every one of us is important. And I'll do whatever I have to to save us all.
— Linkara, The Star Wars #5
Lord Vyce: We're approaching the event horizon, demon. I will teleport away and leave you to your fate. There is no escape now. Checkmate.
Holokara: Oh, Vyce. You're so slow on the uptake. We're not playing chess — (his eyes deglitch) — we're playing poker!
Linkara: And I was bluffing!
Holokara: Oh, Vyce. You're so slow on the uptake. We're not playing chess — (his eyes deglitch) — we're playing poker!
Linkara: And I was bluffing!
—Stormwatch #0 The seemingly final defeat of Lord Vyce
"Previously On" Sketches
Narrator: Previously on… Atop the Fourth Wall...
Linkara: So let's dig into Daredevil #305. (...) Harvey Finevoice, I want that information and I want it now!
Finevoice: Yap, yap, yap, that's all your type ever do. Here. Take it (handing a note), with my blessing.
Linkara: (reading) Angry Joe is walking right into a trap!
Angry Joe: It's Linkara. He's in big trouble. Assemble the army! He's gonna need all the help he can get.
Linkara: Oh my god! TV Tropes used one of my quotes!
Benzaie: This can't be right... it says I'm not French. They say I'm African-American.
Linkara: Get this, MarzGurl, this time I'm breaking up with you!
Linkara: Tell me Rorschach, is Benzaie truly made of French toast?
Rorschach: No.
Linkara: There's a conspiracy behind all this. Could Dr. Insano be doing all this?
Insano: Nurse!? If you've taken the last Red Bull, I will have you DESTROYED!
Linkara: Look, I know what Joe is up against. I need his help!
Angry Joe: Angry Joe Army, we've gathered here today to help a dear friend: Linkara! No-one can stop our combined forces! Prepare yourselves! ...Oh my god! What the hell... is that?
Linkara: It's Neutro!
Angry Joe: Attack!
The Nostalgia Chick: Alright, so you've found my secret identity. (Ties her hair) That's right. I'm the Nostalgia Chick!
Linkara: But...but how did you... what the... but... with the bowtie and the... what... how are you...? WHAT!? (...) Cry woe, destruction and decay, the worst is death. And death will have his day. (...) I should have known, it was you who was the secret manipulator behind it all: Beaaaar!
Narrator: And now, the conclusion.
— "Daredevil #306" review
Harvey Finevoice: (bored) Okay, Previously on… Atop the Fourth Wall...
Nostalgia Critic: My god, it was you all along.
Chester A Bum: Yes, I hijackeded all the nuclear weapons of the world. And now, I have them at my disposal.
Nostalgia Critic: But why? Why did you do it?
Chester A. Bum: Oh... I'm just a bum. A bum who wants to take over the world. (laughs maniacally)
Nostalgia Critic: (interrupting) Y'know, that's not an everyday occurrence.
Chester A. Bum: (stops laughing) ...what?
Linkara: Damn you, Phantasm, we just had a 'previously on' segment a few weeks ago! Why are we doing another one?
Nostalgia Critic: Well, you say, you know, "just a bum who wants to take over the world"? Y'know, it's not, like, hey, that's just a paperboy, there's a ton of those. No no no. That's very, very rare.
Chester A. Bum: What do you mean?
Nostalgia Critic: Like, hey! I'm a psychotic transvestite who likes to rub my feet in butter, y'know? Just one of those?
Chester A. Bum: (talking over the Critic) You know I don't think that, totally uncommon, that's kind of the idea actually, that it was, irony? You know, I don't exactly know if you know what that is, but, straightforward to you...?
Nostalgia Critic: (talking over Chester) ...Like a million of those walking down the street. Hey, another transvestite who kills people that likes to rub feet in butter, hey hey, that one's name is Bob.
Chester A. Bum: Oh shut up and look at this!
Dr. Insano: He's coming for you, Linkara! He's coming for you! (laughs maniacally, then falls over)
Nostalgia Critic: What's that?
Chester A. Bum: This is the remote control that will let me blow up any missile in the world!
Nostalgia Critic: You're mad!
Chester A. Bum: Am I? Am I?
[beat]
Nostalgia Critic: Yes! Very mad.
Harvey Finevoice: I've been sitting here for hours. Why the hell hasn't anyone given me my paycheck? I got dames to smooch!
Film Brain: Equilibrium is brilliant and Wimmer is God!
Linkara: My god! Film Brian, they've gotten to you!
Film Brain: Hey, it's Film Brain! (Evil Laugh)
Chester A. Bum: Perhaps it is you who are mad?
Nostalgia Critic: Nnno, no, it's definitely you.
Chester A. Bum: You know what, you're just rude.
Nostalgia Critic: (talking over Chester) It's like, (gesturing) here's the sane people and here's you. You're over here and the sane people are over here? [incoherent]
Chester A. Bum: I mean, you're obnoxious! I just can't believe how annoying you are. And you're talking and talking and talking. And maybe you can do something nice contribute something to society...?
Linkara: You're not taking over my show, Continuity Alarm. You just stay back. Stay back!
Lee: The future... it's horrible, Linkara. Everybody went to see the Youngblood movie, and, and, we all got... the diseeeaaaase!
Chester A. Bum: What do you think of Hollywood?
Nostalgia Critic: Hollywood? Well, that's where all the great movies are made.
Chester A. Bum: Well, how would you feel if it just...disappeared?
[Hollywood explodes]
Nostalgia Critic: Noooooo!
Chester A. Bum: (cackles) And tell me, what you think about...Rome?
Nostalgia Critic: Rome? It's the birthplace of culture!
Chester A. Bum: Not anymore!
[The Colosseum explodes, Nostalgia Critic screams and cries]
Chester A. Bum: And tell me, what do you think of France?
Nostalgia Critic: ...it's okay.
Chester A. Bum: Gone!
[The Eiffel Tower explodes; the Nostalgia Critic screams in even more pain]
Harvey Finevoice: And now, the conclusion. ...I play all the Las Vegas rooms and this is the thanks I get for it.
Caption: And yet all of that still made more sense than Countdown
— Countdown review Part 2
Narrator: Previously on… 'Atop the Forth Wall'...
Masterthecreator: [holding a teacup] "Greetings. I am Master the Creator, title card artist for 'Atop the Forth Wall'. I've assembled you all here so we can stop the menace known as... Andrew Dickman! If we do not stop Andrew Dickman, he will take over the title-card duties of every Channel Awesome producer, putting us all out of work; and then... take over the world!"
Andrew Dickman: [Childish Giggling]
Masterthecreator: [With a new teacup] "You, other-title-card-artists, are our only hope! Kitsune twenty twenty-two, who does Obscurus Lupa's title cards..."
Kitsune 2022: I warned you all about Andrew Dickman, but nooo, nobody believes me! [sigh] He's already got her 'Manic Episodes' cards; soon he'll have the whole show."
Masterthecreator: [Yet another teacup] "Ven Gethenian, title card artist for Brows Held High!"
Ven: "Oh god... why did I try to watch Trash Humpers alone?"
Masterthecreator: [still yet another teacup] "-and Krin, title-card artist for Todd in the Shadows..."
Krin: "You guys know Todd doesn't really have a face right?! The art is entirely accurate! That boy... is a monster!
Masterthecreator: [voiceover] "Philbunny, Iron Liz's title-card artist!"
Philbunny: [As a rabbit puppet of himself] "Uh, actually, I think you want the guy who's right next to me, but I'm a lot better-looking, so I'm gonna go ahead and represent him."
Masterthecreator: [Still hasn't run out of new teacups] "Marobot, title-card artist for The Nostalgia Critic!
Marobot: [on the phone] "For the last time, no Linkara, I don't have time to make a new section of Comicron 1 for you... no, I frankly don't care if you don't have a different-looking hallway for your storyline..."
Masterthecreator: "-and finally, Vincent E.L.!"
Vincent: [with a gun to his own head] "What? Me?! Wow... Things are finally coming up Vincent!" [Leaps up, starts singing] "After all these years, and all this hard work, I've finally-" [Needle Scratch] "Wait; I'm not a title card artist, I made the Atop the Forth Wall theme song."
Masterthecreator: "Oh? Oh well, then we don't care about you." [gestures dismissively]
Vincent: "Wait, I-" [cut off]
Masterthecreator: "Now then, let's get to the first order of business, shall we?"
Andrew Dickman: "Ah, if it isn't my predecessors... how nice of you to all gather at once."
Kitsune 2022: "We meet again, Art-Skank!"
Krin: "You're not gonna get away with this, Dickman! We will fight you... with art! Art-art-art! Art!
Andrew Dickman: You're already too late; I've signed to do Spoony's title cards! Nothing can stop me! [Evil Laugh, dissolves into wheezing and hacking coughs] "Oh god..."
Philbunny: Wait, how'd did he get Spoony's-"
[Dr. Insano appears, carrying Son of Insano]
Philbunny: [gasp] Doctor Holocaust!
Insano: "Yes, it is I, Dr. Hol- Wait what? No!"
Philbunny: "Oh, uh... sorry, uh- Doctor Horrible!"
Insano: I-ju-yo... I'm not either of those, You Fool!!
Philbunny: [half-hearted] Doctor Steel ?
Insano: Really? Do I sound like I can sing as good as him?
Ven: Doktor Sleepless!
Insano: Okay, I guess we'll go with that one, but Yes! As soon as my mind-slave Andrew Dickman takes over the scribbles of all your internet series, I shall rule the world! [Maniacal Laughter]
Marobot: What? No, no I don't want to talk to Snowflame... No-no don't put on Sn- [sigh] Hello Snowflame... yes, I know you like cocaine... who doesn't?"
Narrator: And now, the conclusion...
— Mr. T #2 Review
Meta
"I'm looking for plot holes. I'm looking for bizarre character motivations. I'm looking for terrible art. I'm looking for the bland, the bizarre, the lazy, the insipid, the surreal! If a character starts humping another character, I'll be there! If a man is powered by cocaine, I'll be there! If a basketball player challenges a giant lizard to a fight, I'll be there! Bring 'em all on!"
— Linkara in his introduction to Atop the Fourth Wall
I can't begin to imagine how anyone followed all this stuff at the time. It'd be like if I introduced plot elements in my show that somehow ended up on Spoony's show and... uh... nevermind.
— Linkara, Spider-Man: The Greatest Responsibility
I won't rest until even the shark is bored with me!
— Linkara on his Twitter
