"Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill."Stock Phrase uttered by a character who is about to do something potentially nasty to someone. They tell their victim that what they are about to do won't hurt at all. This often turns out to be a blatant lie. This is often done by doctors or friends of the patient who genuinely mean well, and are just trying to help them. However, it can also be used as a sarcastic Pre-Mortem/Pre-Asskicking One-Liner by someone who is about to inflict a lot of deliberate pain on their victim. Or to imply they'll die too quickly to feel anything. Another common variant is "This may hurt a little", or alternately, "You might feel a slight tingling sensation". This variation tends to be popular with Mad Scientists. A particularly psychopathic or dickish character may instead say, "I won't feel a thing." Yet another variant would be the doctor or dentist saying "This is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you." Definitely Truth in Television, as anyone knows who has been to the dentist, although it is increasingly averted as anesthesia gets better and starts to get used more widely. This is also a commonly-used phrase when children who are Afraid of Needles are involved. Often used to set up False Reassurance.
— Johnny Carson
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Anime & Manga
- Tenchi Muyo!:
Ryoko: I won't hurt you... Too much!
- D.Gray-Man (anime) averts this with Komui telling Allen, "When I get done with you, you'll be good as new. Though I must warn you, this will be traumatic."
- Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha StrikerS has Nanoha saying "This is going to hurt a bit" to her daughter during the finale before blasting her with five Starlight Breakers.
- Mahou Sensei Negima! has Izumi Ako, who claims her needle (which is 1.8 centimeters thick, over a foot long, and inserted in the butt) isn't as painful as it sounds, but some of the members have a different opinion on that.
- Hange Zoe in Attack on Titan promises not to hurt the Titan she's fighting...and immediately killed it, saying a variation of this.
Hange: See? Bet you barely felt a thing!
- In Justice League Dark, Deadman uses the "This won't hurt me" variant on June Moone when entering her body.
- Rosario Vampire: Brightest Darkness Act III: In chapter 43, after Tsukune makes the others promise to kill him should the Holy Lock break completely and the ghoul resurface, Mizore promises him that she'll try to make it painless should it come to that. Fortunately, it doesn't come to that.
- In the Naruto fic White Rain, when Rina is ordered to be killed by a Grass genin, said genin uses a poisoned knife and reassures her that it'll be clean and that she'll "barely feel it." However, the genin is reluctant to go through with it, and his hesitation gives Yukio enough time to catch up with them and pull off a Big Damn Heroes moment.
- Defied in the Lilo & Stitch fanfic Aliens! when the Boss has captured Senko and is attaching a device to him.
Boss: Now, the difference between me and a doctor is that when I say "this isn't going to hurt a bit," I actually mean it. That is why I'm not going to say a thing.
- Advice and Trust had a variation when Ritsuko gave Rei an increased dosage of the emotional suppressants that she had spent several painful months purging from her systems. So it's the lack of pain (and every other emotion) that terrifies her.
Films — Animation
- Robots. After Rodney is assembled, an extra piece is found.
Mr. Copperbottom: [chuckles] We did want a boy, right? [he takes the piece and a hammer] This won't hurt a bit, son. [he hammers the piece in, Rodney cries]
- Variation in Monsters vs. Aliens:
Dr. Cockroach: Now, you might feel a slight pinch in the brain. Mwahaha... Sorry.
- Inversion in The Sponge Bob Square Pants Movie:
Dennis: Don't worry, this'll only hurt a lot!
Films — Live-Action
- The Matrix: Morpheus averts this in the first film when he tells Neo, "Try to relax. This will feel, a little weird."
- The Day the Earth Stood Still (2008): Klaatu says "the pain will only be momentary."
- The A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) reboot: "This won't hurt one… little... bit..."
Carrigan Crittenden: [stalking after Dibs, carrying a huge battle axe] Damn it, Dibs! This won't hurt a bit!
- Being There:
Doctor Allenby: This won't hurt a bit. [sticks Chance with a needle]
Chance the Gardener: It did hurt.
- Chill Factor: An assassin tells one of the protagonists, as she is about to execute him: "Don't worry, I'm a professional, this won't hurt a bit." Given an Ironic Echo a short while later after he ends up gaining the upper hand: "I'm an amateur, this is going to hurt like hell."
- One of the tag lines for Michael Moore's Sicko (a documentary about health care in the US and around the world) is "this may hurt a little". Promotional materials also use "get well soon!"
- Bedazzled: The Devil offers Stanley seven wishes for his soul. Stanley has misgivings and asks "But if you took it out, wouldn't it hurt?" The Devil replies "It's a perfectly painless operation, and afterwards you won't feel a thing!"
- Beautifully averted in Hook, where Hook is about to pierce Peter's son's ear and tells him 'Brace yourself lad, because this is REALLY going to hurt.'
- Inverted in Creepshow, when Jordy Verrill dreams of what will happen if he goes to the doctor about the growth on his fingers. The doctor tells him the fingers will have to come off, then opens up a steam sterilizer and takes out a meat cleaver. "This is going to be extremely painful, Mr. Verrill," he says.
- In The Three Stooges short I Can Hardly Wait, Curly needs to have a tooth extracted at the dentist, and Moe tries to convince Curly he won't feel a thing by sitting in the patient chair and explaining what will happen. The dentist comes in from the other room, quickly puts Moe to sleep with anesthesia, and proceeds to pull out Moe's tooth before Curly can tell him that he's supposed to be the patient.
- In Cube Zero, the Cube surgeon at the end falsely assures Wynn that he won't feel anything of the lobotomy they're going to give him. The first thing Wynn does when they cut into his brain is scream out in terror.
- G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra: "This will only hurt a little. What comes next... more so."
- In Snow Dogs, this is the response that Dr. Brooks (and later his son Ted) give to dental patients who ask if it'll hurt: "A little. More than a tickle, but less than paying your taxes."
- As Glenn Talbot prepares to shove a nasty-looking drill-syringe in the Hulk's Death Glaring eye, he quips, "This might give you a bit of a sting here, Bruce..." He quickly discovers you Do Not Taunt Cthulhu.
- X-Men: Days of Future Past. As Kitty Pryde is about to send Wolverine's consciousness back in time she says, "This might sting a little." Cue agonizing scream from Logan and a Fade to White... then he calmly wakes up in The '70s gazing at a lava lamp, with Roberta Flack's version of "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" playing on the radio.
- In Ender's Game, Ender is told "it won't hurt a bit" to have his monitor taken out, but Ender knows that adults say that when it is going to hurt.
- Vorkosigan Saga: Heavily discouraged by Miles Vorkosigan, when asked for advice on what to tell a kid who needs medical procedures, of which Miles has had a metric ton. His approach is to explain to the kid that yes, this will in fact hurt (if only a little), but that after a while the pain will go away. He also helpfully displays some of the various surgical scars he's acquired over a lifetime of pain as a yardstick for what really hurting ends up looking like, which calms the kid right down.
- Coraline, the Other Parents tell Coraline this when they try to convince her to let them sew the buttons on her eyes. Coraline doesn't believe them for an instant.
- Discworld has the troll retrophrenologist truthfully informing his client "This won't hurt a bit" as he readies the mallet. (Phrenology being the pseudo-science based on determining a person's mental state and personality by measuring the skull and variations thereof. Retrophrenology "works" by introducing new variations to the skull to modify said mental state and personality...)
- There's a sequence in Unwind where a Walking Transplant on the operating table is notified that he may feel something in his feet, but not to worry. Then, a little later, he's told that he may feel something in his legs. This proceeds far longer than you might expect.
- In The Mysterious Benedict Society, one of the Recruiters tells the children "If you children stay nice and still, I promise this won't hurt a bit." The other Recruiter that is with him suggests "Oh, come on, let's tell the truth for once. Just for kicks." The first Recruiter then admits "All right, the truth is that this will hurt. A lot. But if you hold still, I promise it won't hurt for long."
- "Goosebumps" has Don't Go To Sleep see main character, Matt, jumping from body to body (and reality to reality) every time he falls asleep. Eventually he is captured by the reality police and is told he will have to drink a potion that will return everything to normal, but also kill him. Officer Lacy tells him that he should try to relax, it's just like going to sleep. It won't hurt.
- Carried to the point of sadism in Joanne Greenberg's I Never Promised You A Rose Garden when five-year-old Deborah undergoes two operations for urethral cancer. She sees through all the Lies to Children and suspects they're planning to kill her. It's one of many factors that caused her to lose her mind later in life. And it's Truth in Television — happened to the author.
- House episode "The Itch".
Dr. Gregory House: You won't feel a thing... Except this excruciating pain.
- One Tree Hill episode "I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight". Luckily for Dan, it turns out to be a nightmare.
Doctor: Don't worry, you won't feel a thing.
Dan Scott: So tell me Doc, how many heart transplants have you done?
[the doctor takes an electric saw from the nurse and turns it on]
- Star Trek: Enterprise episode "Similitude"
Captain Archer: Dr. Phlox is going to have to perform an operation.
Sim Trip at 8: Will it hurt?
Dr. Phlox: Not at all. You won't feel a thing.
Sim Trip at 8: Doctors always say that.
- Law & Order: Criminal Intent episode "Death Roe"
Beatrice Mailer: This won't hurt a bit. [Holding her father's bleeding hand, she squeezes lemon juice onto an open knife cut as he silently flinches] Remember the first time you told me that?
- Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode "Attack Of The Giant Leeches":
Dr. Forrester: Now this leech [snip] when applied to the neck or head area, will suck any desire to smoke out of Frank.
[Frank loudly protests]
Dr. Forrester: But this won't hurt a bit.
- Seinfeld: The episode "The Glasses" has a inversion:
Elaine: It's not going to hurt a lot, is it?
Doctor: Yes, very much.
- A variant appears on The Wire's fourth-season premiere, where enforcer Chris Partlow prepares to execute a dealer in a vacant house.
Chris: Don't fret, boss. I've got you covered. Quick and clean, I promise.
- Star Trek: The Original Series:
- The episode "The Deadly Years" has three examples while the Enterprise medical staff is trying to figure out why Chekov was not affected by the Rapid Aging effect that struck the rest of the landing party.
- Downplayed when Dr. McCoy tells Nurse Chapel to prepare Ensign Chekov for another physical. She tells Chekov "This won't hurt... much."
- Later on, Chekov complains about the multiple medical exams by repeating what he's been told during them.
Chekov: "Give us some more blood, Chekov. The needle won't hurt, Chekov."
- Dr. McCoy continues to test Chekov.
McCoy: Now this isn't going to hurt a bit.
Chekov: That's what you said the last time.
McCoy: Did it hurt?
- Averted in the 9th season premiere of the Israeli sitcom Life Ain't All, in which Orli has become a dental hygienist. Although she gets extremely good results, to the point her patients’ teeth shine a blinding light when they open their mouths, she is seen explaining to one patient she has absolutely no aversion towards her patients' pain.
- "Coup by Clam". The crew of Moya are being examined by a doctor for Space Madness.
John: Hey look I know you guys lie and all, but th-this is not gonna hurt too bad is it?
Doctor: [cheerfully] Not a bit.
[The doctor turns on his Mind Probe, causing John's head to light up as he shrieks in agony]
D'Argo: [later] If you'd held your scream off one more microt I would have won the pool.
- In "Scratch 'N Sniff" the bad guy abducts Jool so he can drain her body for a Love Potion.
- "Coup by Clam". The crew of Moya are being examined by a doctor for Space Madness.
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer:
- In their very first fight in "School Hard". Spike boasts that the last Slayer he killed begged for her life, but...
Spike: Tell you what; as a personal favor, from me to you, I'll make it quick. It won't hurt a bit.
Buffy: No, Spike. It's gonna hurt a lot.
- A line cut from "Innocence" has Angelus saying, "It won't hurt a bit...after the first hour."
- Subverted in "The Dark Age":
Ethan: Now this may sting a little, just at first. But don't worry, that'll go away once the searing pain kicks in.
- In the episode "Smashed", when Spike is about to eat someone:
Spike: This might hurt a little...
- In "Faith, Hope and Trick" a vampire takes a girl he's met at the Bronze into an alley and tries to eat her, saying; "Stop struggling, this won't hurt." Nope, but the pounding and staking she gives him sure does. Meet Faith, the Vampire Slayer.
- In their very first fight in "School Hard". Spike boasts that the last Slayer he killed begged for her life, but...
- Doctor Who:
- In the episode "Let's Kill Hitler", the Antibodies of a shape-shifting robot really don't like visitors, but they are pleased to inform you that your death will be very painless:
- In the episode "Dinosaurs on a Spaceship", before injecting his father, Rory says, "This won't hurt". He then admits he lied.
- In the episode "The Time of Angels", we have this exchange:
[River Song is preparing to give Amy a vaccine]
River: Now, this won't hurt a bit. [injects Amy]
River: See? I lied.
- In "The Name of the Doctor", the Doctor hooks Clara up to the TARDIS's psychic network, via snapping a wire to her hand.
The Doctor: Don't worry, it won't hurt a bit.
The Doctor: I lied.
- In the mini-episode "The Last Day" a soldier is instructing another soldier in the use of his helmet P.O.V. Cam, which will record everything that happens to him in case he's killed in action.
Soldier: From now on the head-cam is downloading directly to your memory. A tiny part of your brain is now a hard-drive. Takes up hardly any space; you won't feel a thing. Now, at the beginning sometimes this has side effects— [cut to hallucination of a screaming soldier]
- Inverted in the prequel episode "The Night of the Doctor". The Eighth Doctor is about to take a potion which will make him regenerate into the War Doctor.
The Doctor: Will it hurt?
The Doctor: Good.
- The Doctor uses a slightly different method of calming Emma in the episode "Hide" when she is about to open a gate to another dimension using her psychic abilities.
Emma: Will it hurt?
The Doctor: No. Well yes, probably. A bit. Well, quite a lot. I don't know, it might be agony. To be perfectly honest, I'll be interested to find out.
- In "The Girl Who waited" we have the following monologue:
The Doctor: Amy, I just need to borrow your brain a minute. It won´t hurt, probably. Almost probably.
- Kamen Rider Decade: Whenever Kamen Rider Diend uses the Final Form Ride power on another character, he assures them "It'll only hurt for a moment" — and then he shoots them in the back with his Transformation Trinket gun, which causes them to morph into something like a giant weapon or vehicle. In one episode, one of Diend's "victims" angrily informs him that it hurts a good deal more than he lets on.
- Game of Thrones: Inverted when Qyburn is about to amputate the infected part of Jaime's stump. Qyburn repeatedly tells him it's a bad idea (wanting to cut farther up the arm), and insists that the, non-anesthetic, procedure will be very painful. He's told to go ahead anyway.
- American Idiot: "Tell me, Jimmy, I won't feel a thing..."
- The Black Parade: "It was a lie when they smiled and said you won't feel a thing" "Disenchanted"
- Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb": "Okay, just a little pinprick [pling!]), There'll be no more (AAAAAAAAH!), but you may feel a little sick."
- Averted in Emilie Autumn's "Take the Pill": Pull up your skirt, and yes it's going to hurt.
- From BIONICLE:
- In The Curse of Monkey Island, Guybrush needs to get some hair from an old dog.
Guybrush: Okay fella, this won't hurt a bit. (plucks hair) Hey, I guess it didn't hurt a bit. He must be shedding.
- Inverted by Team Fortress 2's Medic:
The Medic: All I can tell you about zis next procedure is zat it will be... excruciating!
- The Mad Dok of Dawn of War had a similar line.
Mad Dok: It's gonna hurt a lot, but it'll make you feel bettah!
- Played for Black Comedy in Ratchet & Clank: Up Your Arsenal.
- In Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories:
Larxene: (to Repliku, who is about to have his memories erased and rewritten) Relax, kiddo, I don't think it's gonna hurt... much.
- Doctor Zed's intro cutscene in Borderlands 2:
Hyperion Jerkbag: I'm starving! I wanna eat your babies!
Zed: Son, this might sting a little. (violently stabs Hyperion jerkbag with gigantic needle)
- In a math and puzzle-based children's computer game, recreating a black and white image of one man holding a stone slab while another stands over him with a mallet, causes them to have this exchange:
Man with Mallet: Don't worry, this won't hurt a bit!
Man holding Slab: You're darn right it won't, I'm out of here! (runs)
- World of Warcraft reintroduced Khadgar to players in the Warlords of Draenor expansion, who tasked them with retrieving materials to make a legendary-quality ring. The first time he upgrades it, the character takes major damage and he apologizes for neglecting to mention the character would be "slightly killed". The second time, whereupon the player is more savvy to how this is going to play out, he tells you that it'll barely hurt - and then stops and corrects himself; it will, actually, hurt a lot. (Unsurprisingly, it does.)
- Friendly Hostility: Charlotte, a Mad Scientist in training, uses her father's employee Derringer as a guinea pig for a machine labelled "Schroedinger's Derringer". "Now in a moment you may or may not feel a tingly death ..."
- Oglaf: Stalker (This page SFW, others may not be)
Nurse 1: Yess! We promissse many thingss!
Nurse 2: "Thisss will not hurt" iss our ffavorite!
- Darkbolt: Inversion when Johji extracts Destruction.
"Is this gonna hurt?"
- Girl Genius. "This will hurt slightly less if you do not move."
- In Schlock Mercenary, in order to avert this, a specialized way of measuring pain was developed. The doctor can now tell you precisely how much your pain will rate on the ouchdammitometer.
- In the Batman Beyond episode "Meltdown", Dr. Lake tells Mr. Freeze "You may feel some momentary discomfort" during the procedure to transfer his mind from his head (all that remains of him) to a new cloned body. After being betrayed by Lake, Freeze retaliates, using the same line just before freezing her.
- The Simpsons:
- "The Springfield Files":
Dr. Nick Riviera: Don't worry. You won't feel a thing... [exhibits a swirling mechanical device] ... till I jam this down your throat!
- "Brother from Another Series":
Cecil: There may be a slight ringing in your ears. Fortunately, you'll be nowhere near them.
- "The Great Money Caper":
Magician: Don't worry Marge, you won't feel a thing. You'll feel four things!
- "The Springfield Files":
- The Penguins of Madagascar:, "Roger Dodger":
Roger: A mind-switching machine. Is this gonna hurt?
Kowalski: Just a slight pinch, followed by the brief sensation of a thousand suns exploding in your skull.
- Star Trek: The Animated Series episode "The Pirates of Orion":
Dr. McCoy: [about to give an injection] This won't hurt a bit, Spock.
Mr. Spock: An unnecessary assurance, doctor, in addition to being untrue.
Dr. McCoy: That's the last time I waste my bedside manner on a Vulcan.
- Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, "Seeing Red": Terrance says to Mac before beating him up "This will only hurt for a second." The line becomes a Running Gag throughout the episode, and at the end is given an Ironic Echo by Bloo: "Don't worry, it'll only hurt for a week."
- Ultimate Spider-Man episode "The Iron Octopus":
Doc Ock: This won't hurt... for long.
- Doc McStuffins: The whole clinic staff uttered this exact phrase to an uneasy Niles while trying to get his bandages off. Of course, Niles was expecting it to hurt. Inverted in that they proceeded to carefully take off most of the bandages while Niles wasn't paying attention, so he naturally felt nothing when Doc told him it was time to take them off and pulled a little piece of bandage still on him.
- From the obscure and long-since-canceled G4 series Portal (no relation to the game): "I was going to keep you as my personal music slave! Now I think I'll pull your stomach out and wear it as a man-purse! Don't worry, it'll only hurt for thirty minutes!"
- The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius: Jimmy Neutron is usually asked this whenever he tests his inventions on his friends.
Carl: Is this gonna hurt?
Jimmy: Oh no, I'll be fine.
- Buzz Lightyear of Star Command has an extended while introducing Torque as the Villain of the Week: Zurg, seeing that Torque shares a hatred of Buzz but also lacks the method to act with it, decides to tweak his genetics a little bit. The catch (of which Zurg is fond) is that the procedure to "power-up" Torque is going to hurt. Very hurt. Very very hurt. Zurg warns Torque just before the operating machinery begins its work; however, the machinery has already been activated and operates very loudly, and Torque can't hear him:
Zurg: [as the noise of the operating machine reaches a peak] Did I mention the operation will be excruciatingly painful?
Torque: What was that, Z?
Zurg: Oh... ah, nevermind! [giggles]
[Zurg exits the operating room and closes the door as we hear Torque begin to scream]
- In one episode of The Venture Bros., Hank ends up ingesting Goliath serum, which would supposedly make him explode. He asks Brock to kill him if a cure can't be found in time. Brock assures him that they will cure him. Hank is comforted by this, but is still curious and asks Brock how he would kill Hank if it was necessary. Brock immediately tells him that he would snap Hank's neck in an instant and that he wouldn't feel a thing. Hank is a bit unnerved by how quickly Brock responded, realizing that Brock had given the matter some thought.
- Parodied in the Rocko's Modern Life episode "Scrubbin' Down Under," right before Clean Gene the Hygiene Genie is about to use a rather painful-looking drill to get the spinach out of Rocko's teeth, he tells Rocko "Now this is going to hurt you a lot more than it's gonna hurt me."
- I Am Weasel:, "I. R's Phantom Foot":
Red Guy: This won't hurt...
[Red Guy squeezes Baboon's injured phantom foot together, making him squeal in pain]
Red Guy: ...me.