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Same with Garrus. Despite his rough (literally) exterior and badassery, he falls hilariously apart when it comes to romance, realizing that whatever he says sounds horribly wrong. Paragon Shepard's responses are along the lines of "shut up, loosen up, it's okay, I still like you."
Most of Jacob's romance falls under this as well, especially when he's wondering how Shepard can push all of his buttons and make him like it.
But the priiize...
Goes to his line "One-nighting the commander is a good way to get airlocked". Wonder if he'd like to repeat that in ME3.
The cutscene before Legion's personal mission. As the Normandy approaches a Geth space station, Joker tells Legion that anyone on the station could "just look out a window and see us coming." Legion gives Joker a Mathematician's Answer, explaining that Geth don't use windows because they're structural weaknesses, and proceeds to set the coordinates for the landing zone. Joker mocks Legion by making exaggerated robotic movements, and right on cue, Shepard walks up and catches him in the act; looking like a disappointed parent. Joker pauses, rolls his eyes, and gets back to work.
It's also even funnier for certain players, if you talk to EDI in the observation decks, Shepard will tell her that the windows on the Normandy are a weak-point.
And much like Legion, she also explains to the organic why it doesn't matter.
Gets a Call Back in ME3, when they pull the exact same trick on the Geth Dreadnought.
Shepard: Geth don't use windows, remember? Structural weakness. Joker: Oh yeah, I bet the Geth are all sitting around saying "The organics would never try the no-windows thing twice".
Pretty much any overheard conversation or advertisement.
Of particular note is an exchange started by Garrus, who'd mentioned how he missed riding the elevators in Citadel because of the lack of conversation.
Garrus: You ever miss those talks we had on the elevators? Tali: No. Garrus: Come on, remember how we'd all ask you about your life on the flotilla? It was an opportunity to share! Tali: This conversation is over. Garrus: Tell me again about your immune system! Tali: I have a shotgun. Garrus:Mmmmmaybe we'll talk later.
One can't help but suspect that Garrus is making fun of Shepard as well, with the whole nonchalant "we'll talk later" thing.
Turns out in the Citadel DLC, he was being sincere. He's also the only one who misses the elevator conversations.
Garrus: Anyone want to talk about their people's history? Tali: No. Garrus: So am I the only one who misses when we used to chat in the elevators back on the Citadel? Tali: Yes, because you're terrible.
"I'm sorry, I know that was important, but... you performed Gilbert and Sullivan?"
I am the very model of a scientist Salarian, I've studied species Turian, Asari, and Batarian. I'm quite good at genetics (as a subset of biology) because I am an expert (which I know is a tautology). My xenoscience studies range from urban to agrarian, I am the very model of a scientist Salarian!
Mordin finding Cerberus's surveillance bugs in the Normandy's research lab when first brought aboard. He mentions off-handedly that he destroyed most of them, in a manner that suggests he found it cute that Cerberus thought those bugs would actually escape his notice. He also nonchalantly returns the expensive bug to Miranda.
Also Mordin giving some medical advice. You'll have a hell of hard time believing it's not fan-made, but there you have it. (The bulk of it remains the same, but is partly tweaked for your partner of choice. Interesting alien facts abound!)
(About Garrus) "Turians based on dextro-amino acids. Human ingestion of tissue could provoke allergic reactions. Anaphylactic shock possible. So don't, ah, ingest."
He also mentions "alcohol and mood music" off-handedly, which becomes hilarious when Garrus brings a bottle of wine and turns on Shepard's sound system, which suggests that either Mordin told Garrus to try that or Garrus told Mordin he was going to do it during their "talk".
With Jack, he cautions that Shepard might get injured by her during sex, and suggests using biotic inhibitors (and padding the walls).
With Miranda, he cautions you to be wary of bugs - they can be planted anywhere. And he offers to give you an exam afterwards.
Mordin: Different species react differently to stress. Aware you have come by a great deal. Have had other species become attracted to me before. Awkward. Not interested. Commander Shepard: You've had members of another species make a pass at you? Mordin: Constantly. Very awkward. Skin tone apparently attractive by Turian standards. Subset of Krogan deviants enjoys Salarian flexibility. More cartilage than skeletal structure. Asari offers... intriguing, actually. Wonder why. Trans-species pheromones unlikely to work. *inhales* Must be neurochemical. Shepard: (with a slight grin if using Paragon) I appreciate you letting me down easy. Mordin: No offense intended. Salarian reproduction different. Very little sex drive. If intended to try Human, would try you. Glad you stopped by. Clear the air.
A lot of what Mordin says.
"Loathe metaphors. Pander to under-educated masses. Get doctorate! Have a real conversation!" "Kirrahe. Yes, remember him. Good captain. Bit of a cloaca though. Loved his speeches. 'Hold the line!' Personally, prefer to get job done and go home."
Even funnier when you realize that he actually says "Hold the line!" when enemies charge at you.
Then a lot, lot less funny when he dies during the suicide mission and, with his last breath, asks you to "tell them... I held the line."
Any of Mordin's "can't talk right now" lines are pure gold.
"Trying to determine how scale-itch got onto Normandy. Sexually transmitted disease, only carried by varren. Implications...unpleasant." "Working on Collector data. Have ruled out artificially intelligent virus...unless it's very intelligent...and toying with me...hmm... tests." "Not at the moment. Think I've unlocked Collector interest in humans. Wait. No. Only one heart. Krogan have two. Scratch that." "Later better. Think I've cured Joker's condition. Simple treatment would... No, no, no, no. Would cause liver failure. Never mind. Start from scratch." "Some other time. About to test new bio-weapon. Not on us, of course. Didn't think I had to specify, but Joker got nervous." "Having trouble working between your interruptions and EDI's insistence that 'insane' experiments endanger entire crew. Hard to concentrate. Affecting morale." "Not a good time. Trying to map contamination vectors. Requires focus. Ship-wide infection of Human-tailored virus possible if I slip." "Later. Updating crew dental records. All Cerberus personnel have cyanide capsules in molars. Primitive. Ocular nerve flashbangs harder to disarm."
That last is less funny when you find out Cerberus started using them in Mass Effect 3. Apparently Mordin missed one of the bugs; or Miranda put back that expensive one he returned.
The one about Joker and liver failure gets a call-back in the third game when lamenting Mordin's passing, where Joker notes that Mordin woke him up in the middle of the night once to ascertain how many livers humans had.
A possible combo with Ascended Meme, but a chef in the lowest portion of the Citadel states: "Ever had ramen? It's a delicacy back on Earth!"
Not to mention that after you walk by him afterwards, he greets you with a mangled version of "Irasshaimase!"
Kasumi will coo at the sight of the ramen shop, and comment how she regrets not stealing her mothers recipe.
"This what passes for food out here? My tastes run more along the lines of edible. Looks like worms. Dead ones. This a human thing? Ugh. I'll pass. I'll eat almost anything, but I stress 'almost.'"
Comes back later in the Citadel DLC when Grunt gets drunk, ram raids a noodle shop and eats a huge amount of ramen before getting arrested. When asked about it, he responds that the noodles were "a little spicy". To fully recap: Grunt's Krogan friends try to break him out of Huerta memorial, but it didn't go right (Cue cutscene of Grunt falling out a window in the background while the Salarian doctor in the foreground doesn't even look back). Then he goes up to the presidium and climbs the Krogan memorial statue to take pictures. When C-Sec arrives he throws his bottle of Ryncol at them, which causes the C-Sec shuttle to burst into flames. He then steals the vehicle while it's still on fire and crashes it near the ramen place; and the thing that phases him isn't the fall or being set on fire or even being sprayed with foam to put out the fire—it's that the noodles were spicy.
After doing Garrus' loyalty mission, when you ask him how Turians prepare for risky operations, he tells you a story about how he sparred with a female recon scout. He had reach, but she had flexibility, and they went nine rounds before the ref declared the match a tie. Then he says something like this:
Garrus: We, ah, ended up holding a tiebreaker in my quarters...I had reach...she had flexibility. More than one way to work off stress, I guess.
Speaking of Garrus, his romance arc with female Shepard produces this gem after Shepard and he discuss when they should attempt to have sex.
Garrus: I'd wait, if you're okay with it. Disrupt the crew as little as possible...and take that last chance to find some calm just before the storm. You know me, I always like to savor the last shot before popping the heat sink. * long awkward pause consisting of Shepard just staring at Garrus with a sly smile* Garrus: Wait... that metaphor just went somewherehorrible.
And when you talk to him after suggesting it for the first time:
Garrus: I've never considered cross-species intercourse before. And damn, saying it that way doesn't help. Now I feel all dirty and clinical.
...And a bit later:
Garrus: It'll either be a night to treasure, or a horrible interspecies awkwardness thing... In which case, fighting the Collectors will be a welcome distraction, so, you know, a win either way.
How about when Shepard gets wasted at that bar on the Citadel. Waking up in the bathroom with a turian pissing in front of you is just priceless.
Also on the Citadel, Shepard approves of another drink by saying, "Do it!" The delivery is hilarious.
Hell, Shepard getting wasted at any point in the game.
During Jack's recruitment mission
Warden Kuril: Bounty hunters aren't dependable. Zaeed: You aren't hiring the right ones!
Talk to Jack after her loyalty mission and ask about her adventures.
Shepard: I'm surprised you'd even mention vandalism after all that. Jack: That's what the Hanar call it when you crash a space station into their moon to make a new crater. *Beat* They really liked that moon. Jack (about stealing a military craft): "Shouldn't have left the thing unlocked. Besides, parades are boring. I helped."
Legion dancing. That is all. The best part is that he's beatboxing. And it's actually quite good...
Shepard headbutting Gataog Uvenk on Tuchanka. The "what the hell was that" look Uvenk gives him/her is priceless. Also doubles as an awesome moment.
The Krogan shaman certainly thinks so: "Ba ha ha ha! I like this Human! S/He understands!"
And after doing it Shepard gets an "ow" look and s/he rubs away the oncoming headache.
A conversation between the Normandy's chef and a random crew member:
Anything out of Gardner's mouth becomes unintentional comedy, simply because he's noticeably voiced the same guy who does Ambassador Udina.
Shepard: So, the man cleaning the toilets is also preparing the meals? Chef: Hey, I wash my hands...most of the time. This ain't no luxury liner, you have to pull your own weight on a Cerberus vessel, and I just catch what falls through the cracks. Heh, through the cracks.
When you do get better supplies for him to cook with, the next comment by Hawthorne in the mess is hilarious:
Hawthorne: Hey Rupert, new food is great! Tastes like you added more food, less ass!
You can take Legion with you onto the Citadel and have the discussion with the C-Sec officer at the front desk about heightened security to protect from Geth infiltration while he's standing right there. Even better is that he comments on it by saying that Geth do not infiltrate, and the officer doesn't even realize that he's Geth.
C-Sec Customs Officer: You should leave your personal synthetic assistant at home. They're not allowed on public shuttles anymore. Legion, Geth Infiltrator: Geth do not intentionallyinfiltrate.
In a similar vein, bringing Legion along on Tali's loyalty mission on the Flotilla triggers a short cutscene where the Quarian guards hold you at gunpoint and angrily tell you to get him off the ship. The CMoF comes because after this, the game shifts into the regular cutscene, where Tali indignantly denies ever sending active Geth parts to her father.
Even without that, it's funny because right as you lead Tali and Legion onto the ship Tali's in the middle of telling you that it might not be such a great idea to bring him along, and then she's cut off mid-sentence by all the guards freaking out and training guns on your party. The Admirals also get angry when they see Legion, and nameless Quarian NPCs talk about how Tali must be guilty of smuggling Geth onto the Flotilla since there she is, walking around with a Geth! Trolling the Quarians like that can be a barrel of fun.
One of the most hilarious moments in the series is when the Collectors are attacking and have boarded the Normandy.
EDI: We can save the Normandy, Mr. Moreau, but you're going to have to help me. Give me the ship. Joker: What, are you crazy? You start singing"Daisy Bell" and I'm done! *Joker makes his way to the AI Core* Joker: All right, I'm at...uh...you. EDI: Connect the core to the Normandy's primary control module. Joker: Great. See, this is where it starts, and when we're all just organicbatteries, guess who they'll blame? "This is all Joker's fault. What a tool he was! I have to spend all day computing pi because he plugged in the Overlord!" *The lights flicker while Joker looks worried* EDI: Ah, I have access to the defensive systems. Thank you, Mr. Moreau. Now you must reactivate the primary drive in engineering. Joker: Argh! You want me to go crawling through the ducts again. EDI: I enjoy the sight of humans on their knees. *Joker stares at EDI with a long and wary "What. The. Hell?" look on his face, complete with a Fascinating Eyebrow.* EDI: That is a joke. Joker:Right.
All of the entertainment advertisements on the Citadel, especially the one for Citadel, a movie adaptation of the first game, showing random actors spouting out stilted lines from the first game. It gets bonus points for having someone imitate Don LaFontaine while narrating it.
This moment occurs when talking casually with Grunt:
Shepard: What other human info was floating around in there? Grunt: Less than a finger deep to sever your spine! You're soft. Salarians, Asari, all soft. Quarians, not so much. Turians, you have to work the blade, I guess. Don't see much point to it, though. Heh, *using finger quotes* "much point". ...Ah, never mind.
Joker's joke about the Illusive Man inventing the paper clip.
The following Renegade interrupt, when female Shepard goes to sign up with the mercs at Omega.
Recruiter: Well, aren't you sweet. You're in the wrong place, honey. Stripper's quarters are that way. *Shepard pulls out her gun* Shepard:Show me yours, tough guy. I bet mine's bigger.
Then, the Batarian recruiter says "impressive" in one of the most bored voices ever heard.
The crazy Batarian prophet on Omega is constantly talking about how horrible Humans are. What makes it hilarious is the fact that his entire audience is a gaggle of curious Humans. And, in hindsight, it's very clever Foreshadowing...
Batarian prophet: Humans are a blight on galactic purity. You sir! You are a blight! And you! And you, Human. And you!
The famous, award-winning all-Elcor run of Hamlet makes a return appearance in a Citadel advertisement. Watch here: Elcor Hamlet
Gertrude: Uneasy: What wilt thou do. Thou wilt not murder me. Help. Help. Ho. Polonius: Shocked: What ho. Help. Help. Help. Hamlet: Startled: How now. A rat. Dead for a ducat. Dead. Polonius: Agonized: O. I am slain. Gertrude: Horrified: O me. What has thou done. Hamlet: Shaken: Nay. I know not. Is it the king. Gertrude: Horror gives way to anger: O. What rash and bloody deed is this. Hamlet: Venomous Sarcasm: What a piece of work is a man!
Even funnier if you realize that due to the nature of the Elcor, this could well be the most beautiful and nuanced interpretation of Shakespeare's famous work ever performed, but because of our limited senses, it goes completely unappreciated.
The ending of the advertisement. Due to the Elcor saying what tone they're speaking in before saying the sentence, it results in this.
"Insincere endorsement: You have not experienced Shakespeare until you have heard him in the voice of Elcor."
The Salarian video game salesman. Everything he says is great, but some favorites:
"I don't get the complaints about the GrimTerminusAlliance games. So what if you can capture and beat slaves? It's just a game." "Those Asari/Hanar porn games they sell in Shin Akiba are really nasty." "For an extra ten credits you can buy the copy protection package!"
You can buy the first two tie-in novels (marketed as "military history," no less) in the Citadel Souvenirs shop.
There's also some fluff text about your prototype mods being equipped with Fabrication Rights Management software, which is hilarious given the Torches and Pitchforks fan response to the first game's DRM measures.
Finding futuristic spam in your personal message queue, including an ad for reproductive mods and discount pharmaceuticals (which comes from a merchant you met in the first game), an inheritance scam, and an uplifting chain letter.
The two Asari who wound up on C-Sec's terrorist... ahem, "Geth infiltrator" watch list. The C-Sec customs officer's responses to your increasingly frustrated attempts to clear them are straight out of the US Department of Homeland Security textbook. It's even funnier if Legion is in your party at the time.
If you pick the Charm dialogue choice, Shepard will tell the officer how s/he knows the Asari aren't Geth infiltrators:
Miranda's loyalty mission features a ride on a dead-slow cargo elevator, complete with the first game's infamous muzak. Miranda proceeds to scream at it for being too damned slow, and then smashes the panel to speed it up.
Comparing the Salarian Special Tasks Group to the Spectres, Mordin comments that the STG is better funded - at least they don't have to buy their own weapons.
If you take Jack on Miranda's loyalty mission you get this little gem.
Captain Enyala:*to Miranda* I was just waiting for you to finish getting dressed. Or does Cerberus really let you whore around in that outfit? Jack: I like her. Are we still recruiting?
The Asari and her Krogan boyfriend Charr in an otherwise forgettable sidequest on Illium. As if a Krogan spouting greeting-card love poetry wasn't funny enough, we get this exchange with the Asari. (Bonus points if you're remaining faithful to your own Asari companion.)
Asari: Krogan live long lives... it's not like dating a Human where you just stick around for a century until they die... Shepard: *offended look* Asari: ...Oh, sorry. Not... meaning that personally or anything.
It gets even better: After the two of them hook up, you can find them on Tuchanka, where he's trying to convince her that living in a post-apocalyptic ruin is far more fun than living in a futuristic metropolis. It almost makes you wonder if you doomed the poor girl...
You find out in the next game that they got married and she's now expecting his daughter. It quickly becomes a Tear Jerker as you later discover he joined a company of Krogan sent to fight Ravagers (Rachni Husks). Shepard will find his "O blue rose of Illium" poem and farewell message next to his body, which you then can deliver to her.
The Catfight between Miranda and Jack if you complete both their loyalty missions. Joker's response is priceless:
The bar on Illium is home to many of these. In addition to those already mentioned, there is a conversation between a female Quariannote known to the fandom as "Valley-Girl Quarian" and a Turiannote known to the fandom as "Friendzone Turian". The Quarian is complaining about her Jerkass Human boyfriend's insensitivity to biochemical barriers and the like, while the Turian is engaged in a pretty transparent attempt to hit on her.
It's all the funnier if you're in the middle of romancing your squad representative from either species, where the issues discussed are actually a minor plot point. Especially a Male!Shep romancing Tali, as the conversation involves a male Turian telling a female Quarian not to date humans (as part of his attempt at romance). For maximum awkwardness, have Tali (a female Quarian) and Garrus (a male Turian) as your squadmates when this happens.
Made even funnier if you overhear the next part of the conversation. The Quarian mentions how a little dry spell won't kill her, because, worst-case scenario, she's always got that nerve-stimulation package built into her suit. The Turian goes on talking for a moment, then stops with a shocked "What?" The Quarian is then about to fire it up—in public—when she catches Shepard eavesdropping.
In Lair of The Shadow Broker, after you kill him and Liara takes over, you can see some things recorded on all of your recruited members and read a list purchases and things bought by Tali and installed/uninstalled by her. She installs and uninstalls that nerve-stimulation package quite often and after installing the Immunoboost Professional Edition she installed the Nerve-Stim Pro Deluxe Edition.
A short discussion on Illium when you're talking to the officers before recruiting Samara. Anaya mentions that her orders are to arrest Samara, which would mean Samara killing her. As a Paragon, you can say that the orders are unjust, and you shouldn't be sent in to certain death on commander's orders.
Miranda: Let's remember that the next time Shepard sends us against impossible odds. Tali: That's about twice a day.
Garrus adds in his 2 cents as well:
Garrus: We can disobey suicidal orders? Why wasn't I told?
Or Grunt's response to Miranda:
Grunt: Not often enough.
What about Thane's?
Thane: Every time Shepard orders us to face impossible odds, I have to remind myself that I volunteered.
Her mother was an Asari commando who fought in the Krogan Rebellions. Her father was a Krogan who fought in the Rachni wars. She was a Matriarch and he was pushing a thousand when he discovered the truth. They called Aethyta, who was about a hundred and working as a stripper at the time, to tell her they were going to have it out and she was to love whichever one survived.
Aethyta: Turned out to be damned easy! Since neither one did.
Sometimes her mother would put on the old commando leathers for "special nights" with her father, much to Aethyta's embarrassment.
Her epic Screw You, Elves! is mostly serious, but it still contains a reference to the other Asari "laughing the blue off her ass".
She warns Shepard not to drink anything meant for Turians and Quarians. She uses as a reference point the time she witnessed a Krogan drink a liquefied Turian on a dare six or seven centuries back.
Try talking to her after drinking the "Mystery Drink" from the drink kiosk. You'll notice her appearance has... changed.
"What can I do for ya, babe? No sex though, I just cleaned the bar."
Conrad gets on her nerves a bit. After watching him get shot in the foot she calls him a big baby, before apologizing on the account her father was a Krogan. And the reveal that Conrad's wife paid for his ticket results in her doing a Face Palm. The best bit? She doesn't kill Conrad because it would scare away the customers, make a mess, and the property damage would come out of her paycheck.
And after Conrad is gone:
"Thanks for taking care of that crazy guy. Saves me having to beat him to death with his own spine. That makes the other customers nervous."
Joker : It seems like Garrus has finally worked that stick out of his butt, but now he's trying to beat guys to death with it. Joker : No surprise, Mordin acts superior to everyone. Like he's got tenure at FU. Joker (About Thane): Oh, another dangerous alien aboard, Commander. Thanks. Why can't you collect coins or commemorative plates or something?
Joker drops this gem immediately after you recruit Garrus:
Joker: Hey, Commander, we got Garrus back! That's great, because he was totally my favorite... with that pole up his ass.
Most of Joker's "idle" chatter is pretty good too:
"Always the claws and guns. Why can't we invade a fuzzy planet for once? Sure, it'd still be dangerous but, hey, bunnies!" *After getting an earful of a rather gratuitous porn video*: "Sorry, meant for my earpiece."
Seeing Harkin getting kneed in the crotch by Garrus, and, if you ignore the Paragon quicktime event, Garrus shooting him in the kneecap.
Shepard:(cheerfully] That had to hurt.
And even if the Paragon quicktime event is taken, Garrus will headbutt Harkin before telling Shepard;
Garrus: I didn't shoot him.
Thane's line to the "duct rat" informant: "Be still, Mouse. You can change your pants in a moment."
And the sleazy defense attorney taking off running once Shepard breaks out the Spectre credentials.
If you don't kill the Thresher Maw during Grunt's loyalty mission, EDI's dialog regarding the breeding requests changes.
EDI: There are several breeding requests for Grunt. And one protest. Grunt: Book the protester! And her sister if she has one!
If you do kill the Thresher, it's even better.
EDI: In addition, killing the Thresher Maw has produced several breeding requests for Grunt. And one for Shepard. Grunt: HA!
Niftu Cal, the Volus who's higher than a kite and thinks he's a biotic god, causing Shepard to raise a hand to cradle the oncoming headache from listening to him. Performing a Paragon action leads to Shepard staring at the Volus' back as he's about to valiantly enter the next room and get perforated, then gently nudging him. The Volus very slowly pitches forward and lands flat on his face. Wonderful visual comedy.
Niftu Cal: I am a great wind that will sweep all before me like a... a great wind!
Or the Renegade option with Shepard's sarcastic "charge."
Jack: That was mean... but damn funny.
If you pick the Renegade option, the Volus summons a biotic charge and throws it at Wasea, the mercenary leader... only to have it be a tiny little spark, which sputters out and pops right at the end of her nose. Wasea then proceeds to one-shot the Volus with her own biotic charge. Made even funnier by how Niftu Cal completely brushes her off before getting owned, giving a "bitch please" gesture as he turns to leave.
Jack bets fifteen credits he doesn't get five feet.
Then there's Zaeed's line, which is just dripping with contempt:
All Grunt can do in reaction is just shake his head at Shepard. Words failed him utterly.
And just how does Niftu Cal introduce himself? He stumbles until his head collides with Shepard's groin.
When Niftu introduces himself and you have Legion in your party, Shepard looks to Legion. Legionshrugs his shoulders and shakes his head. 1,183 programs running in it and they all basically say "We're just as confused as you are".
The engineering section has a comment for every occasion, from acquiring members to ship upgrades, including this little gem after getting Jack on your team:
Gabriella Daniels: So, Kenneth, did you know we have a crazy woman squatting down in the sub-deck? Kenneth Donnelly: What!? If she touches anything, I'll kill her! Gabriella Daniels: Oh, and the only thing she wears from the waist up is tattoos. Kenneth Donnelly: Oh, maybe I should go down and welcome her aboard... Gabriella Daniels: And she's a murderer. Has biotic powers that could crush you with a blink. Hates everyone in Cerberus. Kenneth Donnelly: Dammit, girl, stop toying with me!
Kenneth Donnelly So, Gabby, what do you think of our new Quarian boss? Gabriella Daniels Hush, she's right over there. Kenneth Donnelly Gah, she can't hear us with her head in that bucket... Don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful bucket.. The whole suit is lovely, quite snug in all the right places... Tali: You know I can hear you.
Kenneth Donnelly Gabby, you'd say that the Normandy is a she, not a he, right? Gabriella Daniels Of course, the Normandy is the sweetest girl there is. Kenneth Donnelly And EDI's a she, Tali's definitely a she... Gabriella Daniels What are you getting at, Kenneth? Kenneth Donnelly I'm just saying I'm feeling a wee bit threatened here, a lot of female energy, and I'm just one man. Gabriella Daniels You're such a dick. Kenneth Donnelly See? Look where your mind went. I've got to watch out for myself.
And then there's this little exchange:
Gabriella Daniels: I hear Rupert's been cooking some decent food lately. Kenneth Donnelly: Eh. That scunner couldn't make a good haggis if his life depended on it. Gabriella Daniels: All haggis tastes like ass anyway. Kenneth Donnelly: Aye, but in the right hands it can taste like mighty fine ass.
Gabriella Daniels: The new armor reinforcements really threw off the gravimetric profiles. But engines are good to go. I rebalanced the Gillbourne coefficients and adjusted the anterior intakes on the second tier stabilizers. Kenneth Donnelly: I love it when you talk dirty.
If you give them their FBA couplings and talk to them after getting Tali, she joins in on the poker game. If Shepard says that s/he plays for keeps, Tali has a mild Oh, Crap moment, wondering what she got herself into, and after Shep wins she says "And I thought I had a good poker face."
After Garrus's recruitment mission the following conversation takes place:
Garrus: Nobody would give me a mirror. How bad is it? Shepard: Hell, Garrus, you were always ugly. Just slap on some face-paint and you won't be able to tell the difference. Garrus: *laughs* Damn, that hurts. My face is barely holding together as it is. It's just as well, everyone was always ignoring you and hitting on me. At least now this gives you a fair shot.
Alternatively (If Shepard is female):
Garrus: Don't make me laugh, my face is barely holding together as it is. Some women find facial scars...attractive. Mind you, most of those women are Krogan.
During Kasumi's loyalty mission, she has a Moment Of Awesome where she leaps onto Donovan Hock's gunship and destroys its shields. Hock stares at her in shock... and she smiles, gives him a quick little mock salute, and jumps back down.
More on Stolen Memory: You can tour Hock's vault and Kasumi will give informative and usually witty comments on most of the artifacts. From riffing Planet of the Apes to wondering if they can take a giant sculpture out with them to finding a famed (sub)machine gun that killed two presidents, and promptly snatching it and a copy up for her and Shepard.
Kasumi (at an Eldritch statuenote one you can find on Ilos, no less.): Cree-pyy.
After you complete Miranda's loyalty quest, you get a message from her sister Oriana, which ends with these postscripts.
PS. Don't tell her I sent you this. It would just make her angry. PPS. Miranda, quit looking at Shepard's messages. Oh, don't act like you don't. It's what I'd do.
It gets even better in Lair of The Shadow Broker. On one of his terminals you can find recorded things on all of your crew members including a chat between Miranda and her sister about a boy Miranda's sister likes. Miranda occasionally drops some personal info on him to try to help her.
And when Oriana asks Miranda how to get the boy to notice her, Miranda delivers some heartfelt advice... straight from an agony aunt column.
Oriana: We have the extranet here as well, sis. God!
Grunt's recruitment, which overlaps with CMoA. It's a tense scene, with Grunt pinning Shepard by the neck and threatening to kill him/her, while Shepard is calmly reasoning with the Krogan. Eventually, Grunt decides that Shepard is more useful alive and Shepard says "I'm glad you saw reason." Then the camera pans out to reveal the whole time Shepard had a gun pointed at Grunt's chest. Which Grunt has just figured out. "Huh?"
Joker: Did you collect stray cats as a kid? Because we really needed a mega-Krogan. Thanks for dragging him home.
Before releasing him Miranda and Jacob are arguing how dangerous he is. Shepard chimes in that they're enjoying the new paperweight, then when they address their concerns says that's the fun part.
"You what?! Councillor, do the words 'political shitstorm' mean anything to you?" ...The fact that it's Udina who says it—and the tone of voice he says it in—just makes it that much funnier.
The name of Admiral Zaal'Koris', a Quarian captain, ship is the Qwib-Qwib. While funny enough, it makes his full name Admiral Zaal'Koris vas Qwib-Qwib. Even better, he laments that he can't change the ship's name to a respectable Quarian name, like Iktomi or Defranzh. For those who don't get the joke, Quarian naming conventions include the name of the ship on which that Quarian is crew preceded by "vas". So, for example, Tali'Zorah vas Normandy. Now sound the other two out in the same fashion. Take a moment and think about what his full name would be then.
Tali's introduction of the Admiral is even better.
Tali shaking her head as Zaal'Koris espouses the nobility of serving on the Qwib-Qwib.
Most of the NPC shoppers. Especially:
Asari: Wait. Did you hack your translator so you could control your kinetic language processing? Elcor: With a sincerity such that skepticism would be deeply insulting; no.
On the Citadel, the Turian and Asari couple looking at souvenirs. She suggests a model ship—"Honey, I'm an engineer. I look at ships all day."
Shortly followed by: "The important thing is to embrace the time you have to spend with the fish!" "Is this the lifespan talk? I am not having the lifespan talk."
Then when he complains that she's ruined the Citadel for him, she says, in a happy, satisfied voice, "The fish it is!"
Joker and EDI. Most of their exchanges, but especially when they start getting along.
Shepard: I notice you're calling EDI "her" and "she" now. Joker: Huh. No. I didn't really notice that. EDI, should I have noticed that? EDI: No, Jeff. It is not worth noting. Joker: Well, there you go, Shepard. Looks like we haven't noticed anything. Shepard: I think you're taking the Human-Machine interface a little far. Joker: I'm just having a little fun with you, Commander. No need to go all "Unnatural!" on me. EDI: What Jeff and I are exhibiting is more a platonic symbiosis than hormonally-induced courtship behavior. Joker: Okay, yeah, that was a little creepy.
In the first game there was a Turian shopkeeper continually fending off a Human customer who wanted a refund. Upon your return to the Citadel you overhear a Salarian and a Human talking—a Human that turns out to be the same one, still trying to get a refund or a replacement from the same Turian. Two years later.
Human: I just got a refund and an exchange, and I was told to pick up an omnigel converter here. Salarian: I don't think you have the right place. Human: No, they said to go to the warehouse. This is a warehouse! Look, it took me a long time to get this refund. It's a Cision omnigel converter. He said there'd be one waiting for me. Salarian: Do you have a service order? Human: No! I got the refund, made the exchange, and then he said go the warehouse! I just talked to him on the Wards Market. He sent me here! Come on! Why would I need a service order? Salarian: The Wards Market? Why would you come to a Zakera Wards warehouse? Human: He said they were out of stock, and I should go here. He didn't say anything about a service order! Salarian: Without a service order, I really can't help you. Human: Wait, this was a trick, wasn't it? He sent me to the wrong place just to get me to leave! Salarian: I wouldn't know anything about that. Human: I've been trying to get this refund for two years. Two years! I'm not giving up now. Salarian: You'd get a lot further in life if you just held onto your service orders and receipts.
There's a bachelor party you can overhear on Illium, with an Asari stripper paid to dance on the tabletop for a Salarian who vainly tries to explain why his race's customs are somewhat different. He's slowly...convinced by the dancer's skills.
Salarian: You said that bachelor parties are for very close friends. We're just coworkers! Human: We've been coworkers for five years. Aren't Salarian years like dog years? Salarian: Alright, now that's offensive!
As well as:
Human: It's called a belly button, Humans and Asari have them, and you're gonna be doing shots out of it later tonight. Turian: That can't be sanitary. Human: NOT THE POINT, man!
Especially hilarious considering that the Salarians aren't supposed to have any biological sexual drive at all. Yet he still gets turned on.
Salarian: We don't get sex drives. My people reproduce by...my word she is very, limber.
The Turian in the group is funny on his own.
(When asked what he's doing there) "I'm just here for the drinks." "Okay, that makes my legs hurt, and my knees are supposed to bend like that."
Recruiting Garrus (AKA Archangel) is a bit of this and an awesome moment.
Shepard: How did you manage to piss off every major merc organization in the Terminus Systems? Garrus:: It wasn't easy... I really had to work at it.
When you first board the new Normandy, hang around the forward bridge next to Joker before you talk to him. If you wait long enough, epiclulzensue.
In a similar vein, before they reconcile, some of his interaction with EDI are hilarious. For instance, Joker turns in his chair to talk with Shepard. After a few lines, EDI takes control of the chair and spins it in random directions.
Shepard dancing, period. The guy can't dance at all!
Even better when s/he's in the Collector armor, including the creepy alien helmet with full faceplate.
When first talking to Illusive Man, Shepard can ask about Cerberus, about why s/he was revived, about the threat they face. Or s/he can ask if being revived means his/her junk still works.
Shepard: I noticed a few upgrades. I hope you didn't replace anything really important.
During Shepard's first conversation with Joker on the refurbished Normandy, Joker is waxing enthusiastic about the new luxuries like leather upholstery, lacking on the original, while expressing his dislike of his new A.I. copilot. One possible conversation option:
Shepard: Enjoy it, Joker. If we're stuck here, we might as well enjoy it. Joker: Does it breach uniform regs if I get that on a crew shirt? Because this is my favorite "you have no choice!" choice ever. Shepard: Technically, this is a civilian ship. I'm probably lucky you're still wearing pants.
Of course, the scene would have been infinitely funnier if you later showed up on the bridge to find Joker not wearing any pants.
Fortack, the Krogan scientist, when asked why he'd work with Salarians even though they produced the genophage: "Why not? What's the worst thing they can do? It's not like they can make us any more infertile. (Beat) ...Um, wait. Forget I said anything."
Might be Harsher in Hindsight when you find out from Mordin that the Salarians actually did enhance the genophage to counter Krogan adaptation to it - to maintain the level of infertility rather than to make them even more infertile, but that's not likely much of a distinction from a Krogan perspective.
If Mordin's with you at the time, he says "Salarians created genophage... I've heard. Still trust them with medicines and agriculture?"
There's also this:
Fortack: My predecessor said no one would understand the true worth of my work. As I pulled my blade from his chest, I knew he was telling the truth. Shepard: Not exactly what I would call effective academic peer review.
When Shepard and Thane are talking to Captain Bailey about a boy who gave Thane's son a name to talk to about an assassination contract, Bailey mentions how the boy was making shoddy VIs to sell on the side.
Bailey: Actually, he was selling one of you. Shepard: Me? Bailey: Yeah. When you erased a file, it would say "I delete data like you on the way to real errors." Garrus/Tali (if he's/she's there): That's pretty...extreme, Commander. Shepard: Laugh it up, Garrus/Tali. Bailey: Buggy, though. It crashed every half-hour and the error message was about how the galaxy was at stake and you should fix the problem yourself.
A funny thing is that you can tell Mouse that you won't turn him in if he gives you one of those. Or you can demand a cut of the profits.
Meeting Wrex on Tuchanka, and telling him where you've been the last two years.
Shepard: The Normandy was destroyed. I ended up spaced. Wrex: Well, you look good. Ah, the benefits of a redundant nervous system, eh? Shepard: Yeah, Humans don't have those. Wrex: Oh. That must have been very painful for you, then.
Through hacking, you can place party members recruited in the second half of the game (say, Legion) into your squad in the first half of the game. Oddly, they still have lines. When brought along to Purgatory to free Jack, after Renegade Shepard tells her "I'm offering to be your friend. You don't want to be my enemy," Legion has this absolute gem to say.
Legion is always a source of mission humor due to being The Comically Serious. For example, If Grunt's brought along on Legion's Loyalty Mission and Shepard mentions the ethics of treating aliens differently, Grunt asks if it would be an issue if he punched Legion. Legion replies that it wouldn't be damaged, but Grunt's hand may be.
In Rodam Expeditions, using the Renegade option to get a discount prompts the salesman to request a Geth's head to make into a desk lamp. Legion notes that functionality is not in the Geth's specifications.
A Volus on the Citadel wastes absolutely no time in getting outraged over this poor choice of words.
"You need to calm down and take a deep breath." "You're mocking *deep breath* me!"
One of Mordin's random lines when using his Incinerate power is particularly funny.
And the look on the Illusive Man's face after you finish talking to him is just priceless.
During Jack's romance, one of the dialogue options telling her that you're going to stay with her even if she is really messed up has her ask Shepard "What are you, nuts?" His response: "I'm also technically undead, so do your worst."
After Shepard explains to Tali that s/he isn't working for Cerberus, "they're working for him/her".
Tali: So you ordered the listening devices and tracking beacons that are all over this ship?
"Nine out of Ten Tupari drinkers recommend Tupari to their friends. The last one is ON MY LIST." "Commander Shepard drinks Tupari! Don't you want to be like Commander Shepard? Commander Shepard is referenced under a license from Alliance Military Recruitment Services." "I knew a man who went three days without a Tupari Sports drink. He got hit by a shuttle!" "Tupari: Brings your ancestors back from the grave! "Twelve trillion bottles of Tupari are sold in a day, where's yours? Oh that's right, it's inside me."
If you bring Grunt and Jacob into the plague zone this conversation occurs near the burning bodies.
Jacob: They're burning the dead in the streets, must be trying to stop the plague spreading. Grunt: Anyone else hungry?..... Just me? Jacob: Gonna pretend I never heard that.
Also Grunt yelling at the plague as he starts coughing.
"I don't get sick."
Garrus' line at that same point:
"Is it hot in here or is it just...*coughs* Oh, that's not good.
If you bring Jack it's even better.
Jack: ...And you guys think I'm nuts?
Zaeed and Grunt are pretty great too.
Grunt: Anyone else hungry? Just me? Zaeed: Is there anything that doesn't make you hungry? Grunt: I don't know yet!
Volus: I want something that says, I own this room. I own you.
The fact he's trying to hit on the Asari, as well as trying to get Asari-compatible reproductive upgrades, adds an extra level of hilarity. And then she calls him a loser when it turns out he obviously can't afford what he was trying to buy.
The DNA hunt. Shepard doesn't find anything in the plant.
Kasumi: It's a plant!
And you can accidentally set off the alarm clock in this "quiet" (we have dismissed that claim) quest.
And when you try to find DNA from the couch.
Shepard: Aha! Kasumi: Found DNA? Shepard: No, a credit chit. *gets 1 credit* (And that credit's in your rewards, too!)
Kasumi on Grunt's recruitment quest. If you meet Rana Thanoptis, she comments, "She seems nice... in a mad scientist ethics-for-sale kind of way."
It seems to be a Baldur's GateShout-Out, reminiscent of Jaheira's classic retort to Xzar: "You are amusing, in a 'what the hell is wrong with you' kind of way."
Shepard's reaction to Grunt's character development is rather classic especially the bit where Grunt finds a field of corpses funny.
Shepard: Yeah, I don't think I'll be coming down here anymore.
Thane's loyalty mission, during the interrogation of Elias Kelham after he has been knocked out:
Shepard: For as feared as he is I thought he'd last longer. Thane: Shepard, he's just a common criminal. You killed a Reaper.
Kasumi's comments to Shepard if he had sex with Miranda.
The first conversation with Joker and EDI can produce this gem.
Joker: Commander, can we shut this thing off? Shepard: If you don't want to hear it, turn the damn sound off. Joker: That doesn't change anything, it's still watching. Like some creepy kid staring at the back of your head in comp sci, and you just wanna punch him, but you can't, 'cause he's special, and he sets fires or something. Okay, a little too far there, but you know what I mean. Shepard: Your problem, not mine. Joker: Thanks, I'll remember this.
On the Citadel when Avina mentions that the Geth were behind the attack, Kasumi will deliver this:
Kasumi: They're really selling the "Geth did it" message. I bet you can't even say "Reapers" without inciting a panic. "Reapers!"
On discovering the nature of Grunt's "illness":
Garrus: So this is adolescence? Can't we just take him to Omega and buy him a few dances?
Thane saying "How interesting", in possibly the most bored-sounding voice ever heard by sentient life.
Taking Kasumi through the C-Sec tunnel before Shepard regains his/her Spectre status:
Kasumi: *buzzer goes off* I swear to God I didn't touch anything!
The Human and Turian in Rodam arguing about what weapon to buy with the Turian constantly talking about the shotgun.
Hell, the vendor in Rodam's ridiculous over-enthusiasm, what with hiding behind his desk and holding an imaginary gun like a ten year old playing soldiers. (Mind you, how enthusiastic he is towards you—and by extension, whether he's funny or not—depends on whether you made relations between humans and aliens better or worse in the last game. If they're worse, he's just rude to you.)
The VI for the Hammerhead is programmed to alert you to many things... including, while on that planet, if there's a nice view. (There is,too!)
Another gem from the Overlord DLC comes when you get to the end of Vulcan station. You find a lone VI-controlled LOKI mech trying to break the override control. It spots you and, at first, holds up its hands like it's trying to surrender. Shepard motions with his/her hand and your squadmates shoot off its left arm. The mech looks at it, then raises the pistol in its other hand only for that arm to get blown off as well, prompting the VI to stop controlling it. The dazed mech will glance around, then run off. Gets funnier when you notice it hasn't left the room you're in and it stands next to Shepard who takes out his/her pistol. Then a Renegade interrupt prompt appears. One guess as to what the interrupt is.
Not taking said Renegade interrupt is even more hilarious, since that results in one of your buddies doing it, startling Shepard, and responding to his/her accusing look with a shrug.
Cerberus Researcher: Lanigan just ran a simulation—if these Geth ever wake up, there's a 98% chance we'll be dead in two minutes. I'm starting to hate Lanigan.
The log after that:
Cerberus Researcher: Halloween was yesterday. Lanigan ran around wearing spare Geth parts. Spooked the shit out of everyone. Now I definitely hate him.
Overlord is full of dark humor. Such as the Interface Screw with the door lock icons. You approach one door with a red icon, and the "Bypass Door" tooltip. The door opens automatically when you approach. Another set of doors are next to each other. Try to open the green door, and the red one next to it opens instead. Finally, one last door, when you try to open it, instead has the icon slowly slide along the wall to another door before opening that one.
Vulcan Station partially averts No OSHA Compliance; there are catwalks above hot geothermal devices, but many of them have railings. The funny part is that your squadmates will autonomously climb up on things during fights - including those railings.
Shepard: (looking at a giant screen with Asari dancers) What kind of hotel is this? Liara: Azure. It's a luxury resort with an... "exotic" edge. "Azure" is slang for a part of the Asari body in some areas of Illium. Shepard: Where? Liara: In the lower reaches, near the bottom. Shepard: I meant where on the Asari body. Liara: So did I.
And, later, while infiltrating the Shadow Broker's base:
Shepard: (On the override gizmo for the door) How long is this going to take? Liara: (sigh) I don't know, Shepard. I've never broken into the Shadow Broker's base before. Well, not this one anyway. * A few dead agents later...* Shepard: Are you sure that shunt is working?! Liara: It's illegal even on Ilium. It didn't come with a warranty. Shepard: But you tested it, right? Liara: Here come more of them! Shepard: Right? Liara? Liara: No time to talk!
Some of the Shadow Broker security feeds. The best ones are Elias Kelham's "solution" to the Joram Talid problem. And al-Jilani interviewing a Krogan...and getting headbutted for her troubles. Later on, she gets owned by a Volus. Then again, that Volus was a vicious, shin-kicking bastard. Then, instead of going for a hat trick, they show her making out with an Asari.
Legion's gaming statistics. Some CMoHs in those as well (bought the charity edition of the Eden Prime Geth Attack game... and never played it. Donation level: "ULTRA PLATINUM.")
Legion's games include "N7Code of Honor: Medal of Duty", Galaxy of Fantasy, Grim Terminus Alliance and his info on this one is win: Fleet and Flotilla: Interactive Cross-Species Relationship Simulator: "Based on the Bestselling Vid!". Playtime: 75 hours, 6 minutes. Player Score: 15 (Hopeless)". It also has 4 infractions in Galaxy Of Fantasy. Three of them are insane feats that the game admins considered to be impossible without VI aid, though he somehow got them overturned, but the fourth was a suspension for unsportsmanlike conduct (taunting players). He did not file a dispute. Also, his gamer handle is "Infiltrait0rN7".
The entire summary of Mordin's mission with Kirrahe is hilarious. The farming equipment story is the icing on the cake. Noodle Incident no more!
21:41: Mission Specialist Solus suggests change to plan; when informed that plan will not be changing unless parameters shift, Specialist Solus suggests Commander Kirrahe has foreign object in cloaca. 21:43: Operative Rentola detects incoming Weyrloc scouts. 21:47: Scouts neutralized. Rentola treated for minor injuries. After assisting, Specialist Solus asks if failure to land undetected constitutes parameter shift. Commander Kirrahe suggests operation may proceed as planned. Specialist Solus suggests cloacal obstruction is in fact Kirrahe's cranium. ..... 23:12: Distraction team breaks radio silence, informs primary team that Weyrloc group returning. Specialist Solus asks whether this constitutes parameter shift. Commander Kirrahe suggests that Specialist Solus is in fact a walking cloaca, restates importance of holding the line. 23:13: Weyrloc team arrives at agricenter and initiates close-quarters combat. Operatives Jirin and Chorel killed. Specialist Maelon and Operatives Hishau and Shenok seriously injured. Weyrloc team killed in entirety. Last member prevented from broadcasting alarm due to Specialist Solus stabbing Weyrloc guard through eye with pitchfork, sustaining injuries to face and right cranial horn in process. 23:16: Distraction team arrives to provide relief. Commander Kirrahe notes parameter shift, suggests Rentola take injured members back to ship while he and remainder of team attempt to hit secondary drop point. Despite injuries to face and head, Specialist Solus refuses to return to ship, noting need for soil and water analysis at secondary site. Kirrahe suggests Solus is one tough cloaca.
Tali's hesitation on whether or not to get the... nerve stimulation program. And after installing it and uninstalling it several times, she finally settles down. After installing the pro edition of the program.
We find out that Grunt downloads porn. Specifically, Asari porn. Well, he is a teenager by Krogan standards. He also reads Hemingway. And bought a Krogan Battlemaster Action Figure "with real smash your enemies actions".
Jack got banned from both an internet forum and online poker for her actions. She also writes dark poetry.
Jacob's choice of videos while doing 300 crunches. One of them is implied to be Asari porn. The other ones are Blasto the Hanar action movies and Old Yeller. In fact, Jacob and Grunt both downloaded the same porn (Asari Confessions 26: True Blue). Asari really do appeal to everyone!
Miranda's correspondences with various men on "iPartner Connections". Some of them are extremely brief (which really puts that loading screen about how "there are no decent galactic dating services" into perspective):
Heeeeey baby! How's about a pic? Let's get this- [DISCONNECT]
Aria's planned entertainment on Omega includes "Hanar jugglers" - with a note saying she thought her entertainment coordinator was joking until she saw a video. Also, poker games on Omega apparently have a tendency to end in shoot-outs.
The timing and Wrex's matter-of-fact acceptance that Warlord Okeer is dead is great:
Wrex: Okeer's an old name. A very hated name. Grunt: He's dead. Wrex: (Without missing a beat) Of course. You're with Shepard. How could he be alive?
On discussing your relationship with Liara:
Liara: It's been two years, I don't want to put pressure on you. Shepard: I have fond memories of the last time you put pressure on me.
Another great one from Lair of the Shadow Broker. If you're romancing Liara, when she comes up to the captain's quarters she'll mention that she ran into Joker. And then she says this.
Liara: Though he did ask me if you and I would be acting out scenes from some vid called Vaenia. Shepard: *Embarrassed* Of course he did.
Liara: Although, he did ask me to record any parts of conversation where "[my] eyes did that 'freaky black eternity' thing". Shepard: *Embarrassed* Of course he did.
Liara: Although, he did ask me if I had 'embraced eternity' lately. Shepard: *Embarrassed* Of course he did.
And even though the context is a bit of a Tear Jerker, if you were with Liara in the first game and romanced someone else in the second she has a comment about it if you use a Paragon interrupt to confront her about your relationship. Thane's is a bit Mood Whiplash considering the others.
*On Garrus*: Yes, you came back, and now Garrus is doing a lot more than just calibrating the Normandy’s guns! *On Jack*: Yes, you came back, and I've been tossed aside for a tattooed woman with anger issues! *On Miranda*: Yes, you came back, and now you'd rather pass time with Ms. Lawson and her low cut jumpsuit. *On Tali*: Yes, you came back, and now you're itching to get under Tali's helmet! *On Jacob*: Yes, you came back, and now you're more interested in seeing Jacob... with his shirt off. *On Thane*: Yes, you came back, and now you're trying to take the place of a dying man's wife.
If you meet and save the Salarian workers on Thane's recruitment mission, you later get this email.
Liara T'Soni gave me your contact information. I was one of the cleaning crew in the Dantius Towers. You helped me get out of there. According to T'Soni, you also found Thane. He took down some of the Eclipse mercs trying to gun us down, and I wondered if you could pass along my thanks. The way he moved... one was dead before they even knew he was there. He snapped another's neck, then shot a third, all in the space of a few heartbeats. It was incredible. He moved like a dancer, grace and power in constant motion. Seeing him changed my life, woke up something in me I don't fully understand yet. I don't know what I'm going to do, but Salarian lives are too short to waste as custodians, especially when there's so much else out there. I'm going to find something that lets me capture what I saw in him, that beauty, that aesthetic perfection. I'm also going to buy some nice clothes. So if you could tell him that... or just whatever parts of that you think appropriate... I'd appreciate it.
You can challenge a Krogan in Samara's loyalty mission, then have a staredown until he backs down.
The first part of Samara's loyalty mission is full of moments like this. The optimal goal is to be a massive Renegade. If you've been playing a straight Paragon, it really gives you a chance to let loose. The aforementioned Krogan stare-down, beating up a Turian off-screen and flinging him across the room? Good times.
Shepard: I'll dance next to you. If you want to think we're dancing, go ahead. Asari Dancer: I do wanna think that!
"You know, ordinarily that wouldn't fly with me, but I can't afford to be picky right now!"
Similarly, bringing Legion with you to recruit Tali gives us this this gem:
Tali: Shepard, it's good to see you agai- *turns around and sees Legion, gasps and draws her gun* Geth! Get down! A Paragon interrupt prompt appears. If ignored, Tali will start firing, prompting Legion to take cover. Legion: Allied fire! Taking cover! Requesting assistance, Shepard-Commander!
Punching a pyjak. The noise they make and the way their limbs flail out like a puppet's is downright hilarious.
Kelly: That is a dirty stereotype! In my case, it happens to be true, but still.
Your first conversation with Mordin as a party member involves stating to him it must have been frustrating to work with such limited facilities on Omega. He immediately tells you that he loved it. It was a wonderful challenge - few resources, many patients, a lot of hostiles, he couldn't have asked for more. Then he seems to realize what he's saying, and backpedals a bit.
"Also enjoyed saving people, of course. Helping the helpless, greater good. All that, too."
In the same conversation he mentions how Kirrahe's a good captain, but a bit of a cloaca, loved Heroic Sacrifice-ish speeches, which Mordin doesn't understand. He dismisses this as bravado, jargon, chest-pounding - then pauses, apparently realizes who he's talking to, and says "No offense."
"I think they distill it from raw antimatter. Antimatter alcohol." "'Scuse me for askin', but - you're a female, right? You got those funny bumps, like an Asari."
The Citadel DLC makes his statements on why he refuses an Asari when she asks him to dance Hilarious in Hindsight— not only does Garrus (if he's romancing Shepard) dance, but a) he dances with a Human female (who has those "Funny Bumps"), but he does it to the point that he makes Shepard dance well.
From Thane's recruitment mission, one rescued Salarian gives a piece of advice:
"... and tell your assassin to aim for her head... <beat> ...cause she doesn't have a heart!"
A lot of Zaeed's dialogue is funny.
Zaeed: (on the Geth Colossus) Did I mention demolitions cost extra?
On Horizon, during your terse reunion with the Virmire Survivor:
Zaeed: (on Niftu Cal) Want me to kneecap this guy so he doesn't follow us around?
His exchange with Tali when you confront Kor Tun:
Tali: My brain agrees with you. My gut says I should jack his suits olfactory filters so that everything smells like refuse! Zaeed: A rifle butt to the head would be faster. Garrus:Remind me never to get on your bad side.
If you walk into the opposite-sex bathroom on the 'Normandy':
EDI: Shepard, the men's/women's restroom is on the port/starboard side of the ship.
During Jack's introductory scene, if you have Grunt with you, all he says when he sees Jack tear through the guards and the walls is, "Jack is small, this will be funny,", "Oh, I want to see this!", "Move! I wanna see how long she'll last," and "She's blowing everything up. I like her!" when pursuing her. It's his kid-in-a-candy-store tone that seals the deal on the funny.
When walking into Afterlife, you can confront of group of Batarians lounging in the tunnel. The Renegade option has a funny little moment when one of the Batarians tries giving Shepard the throat slice gesture. Shepard promptly points His/Her gun at him...and he wisely backs off.
This exchange during Dossier: The Professor mission:
Refugee: Wait, you're stopping me [from entering the plague zone] but not them? You son of a bitch! District Guard: You don't have a grenade launcher, lady.
And, just before that:
Shepard: Take a good long look at me. Do I look like a looter? District Guard: Uh... No?
Kasumi is a massive optimist. Take her along on the derelict Reaper mission:
"Trapped inside a Reaper. Could be worse. Don't know how, but... I guess it could be full of rats."
Shepard gets one later in the mission, as you and your squadmates come across a chasm full of the "Dragon's Teeth" spikes that turn their victims into Husks. Your squadmates both note how this confirms them as Reaper-tech and marvels at the technology involved, before soberly remembering just what these things do...
Shepard also gives some snark towards Joker at the beginning of the mission:
Shepard: Be ready to pick us up. Being crushed in the heart of a brown dwarf isn't on today's agenda.
You're at crotch height on a Geth Prime. If you're feeling really crazy (or have powers that let you slow down time/lock down AIs), you can beat the Geth Prime to death by repeatedly punching it in the groin. As demonstrated here.
Before you recruit Archangel, you can hear the news talking about the attack on his fortress, and musing on the man himself.
News Caster: Who is he? Where did he come from? Who gives a shit? He'll be dead soon anyway.
Blowing up Donovan Hock's gunship right after he says "Do what you like to this gunship". Well, Hock, you asked.
In a sidequest, you can come across an audio log from a recently-fired miner, stating that he's leaving the planet to help "take out some dumbass vigilante on Omega." Ask him how well that went... It's even funnier if Garrus ( the "dumbass vigilante" in question) happens to be in your party at the time.
From a meta-perspective, the enormous neon "wanted" advert for Jack visible at 1:01—especially since you can waltz all around Illium with her....then again, you can get a Geth past customs.
The first conversation you have with Joker aboard the new Normandy:
Joker: We're staying though, right? I mean, this seat has real leather! Shepard: Glad you're keeping it all in perspective, Joker. Joker: Uh, leather!
Samara can be spoken to around the varren pit fighting ring on Tuchanka. She comments on the barbarity.
When discussing with Miranda about waking up Grunt, Renegade!Shepard refers to him as a paperweight. The kicker is the Commander's plan if the Krogan gets dangerous:
Shepard: EDI, how quickly can the cargo hold be vented to space if there's an issue? EDI: Twenty eight seconds, Shepard. Miranda: And if anyone else is in the hold at the time? Shepard:How many other crew are onboard the Normandy? EDI: Twenty-four permanent crew, Shepard.
Admiral Gerrel's story of service with Tali's father.
Han'Gerrel: Our ship was under orders to hold position, but Rael looked at me and said, "We're underage. They can't charge us for breaking formation." He took the helm, I took weapons, and we brought that freighter back. The crew called us heroes. The brass called us idiots. They slapped medals on our suits then kicked us off to Pilgrimage a bit earlier than usual. That's Rael for you.
Also after Tali's trial, you can head up and get Joker's input on the situation. He mentions that "Some of those Quarians... I guess living aboard a ship your whole life can really mess with your priorities? Not that I would know... ah, I just burned myself. Great."
Jack's thoughts on Legion.
"Why not take him with us? Prop him up as a lamp. I ain't carrying shit though."
Especially since, depending on the other party member, she does end up being the one to help Shep carry it.
When you ask Miranda how mad her father was that she left, her answer is: "Shots were fired." It's the matter-of-fact tone that sells it.
Another overheard conversation, this time at the Zakera Cafe on the Citadel, where the customer wants to buy something to impress his date, and the clerk is unimpressed with his lack of understanding.
Shopkeeper: You don't mix your spice chiralities. What cooking school did you say you went to? Customer: I don't go to cooking school, I just want something tasty to put on a steak. Shopkeeper: Why don't you go to Fishdog Food Factory on level 23? Ask for the Tummy-Tingling Tuchanka Sauce. Customer: Please, you gotta help me. I need to make something nice, it's for a date! Shopkeeper: Fine. Asari honey marinade. Made at an Ardat-Yakshi monastery by sad, tortured blue souls. Too sweet for a real connoisseur, but anyone willing to date you will probably be impressed. Customer:Hey, thanks!
The Asari and Salarian pair on Illium considering joining Eclipse. The Asari seems to be treating it as something fun to do, while the Salarian is quite a bit more serious about it, saying that since his family isn't too influential, this is pretty much the only way he can improve his standing enough to secure a breeding contract. The Asari's response is hilarious when you keep in mind that Salarians do not share the other species' obsession with sex:
Asari: Don't Salarians think about anything but breeding? Salarian: Don't even start with me.
Near the beginning of the game, after Miranda kills Wilson, she says she killed him before Wilson could betray them.
Jacob: You really think he's capable of that? Miranda: *making a great show of looking down at Wilson's dead body* Not anymore.
If you bring Mordin with you when asking Aria about Archangel, he replies to her intel with "Need guns. Oh, wait, have guns. Excellent!"
Taking Zaeed on the Citadel, he talks about one of the weapons on display being similar to one he saw on the job. The setup makes it sound like said gun is ineffectual, but nope! The 'little peashooter' was a damn good weapon and killed half his squad.
Then again, what hasn't killed half of Zaeed's squad?
Touch of the Genius Bonus too. Most weapons fire projectiles the size of sand via mass effect fields. Firing a slug that is literally the size of a pea (an order of magnitude larger than sand) at those same speeds means that the 'peashooter' could very well have been a Hand Cannon, Noisy Cricket style.
Shepard: Just once I'd like to ask someone for help and hear them say, "Sure! Let's go right now! No strings attached."
During the suicide mission, you can get the Oculus off your back very quickly by firing the Cain inside your own ship. The screen will still be glowing red during the following cutscene, and it adds something to your squadmate's deadpan response.
Garrus/Tali/Thane: I think it's going to stay dead this time. Zaeed: Son of a bitch better stay dead this time! Jack: Oh, yeah. It's stayin' dead this time. Legion: It would appear to be terminated. Permanently.
While Mordin's loyalty mission is mostly sad, it contains some absolutely hilarious moments:
If Tali is there, this exchange when you Charm the drugged Urdnot scout you into returning to base:
Once the scout leaves—with Shepard riling him up to go to the female camp, no less—Tali says that she can't believe it worked.
Or, if Garrus is there: "There's no pep talk like a military pep talk."
If Jacob is there: "Reminds me of boot camp."
Garrus being a fight location connoisseur.
Garrus: Hospitals are no fun to fight through. Shepard: What is fun to fight through, Garrus? Garrus: Gardens. Electronics shops. Antique stores, but only if they're classy.
Apparently, as per the Citadel DLC, the CIC of a warship is between a garden and an electronics shop.
Becomes clearly Gallows Humor when in 3 he says "I thought hospitals were ugly to fight through. This is so much worse."
Shepard can comment on the Krogans experimenting on humans by saying that this is what made Cerberus look like the better option. If Miranda is in your squad, she'll chime in.
"My report will mention that."
Bringing Kasumi on the mission:
Mordin: Repurposed Krogan hospital. Sturdy. Built to withstand punishment. Kasumi: You sound like you know the place. Mordin: Hmm. Good site for genophage drops. Efficient dispersal through clan population. Kasumi: Are you always thinking about stuff like this? Mordin: Not always. Sometimes I fall asleep.
You run into the Speaker of Clan Weyrloc. He goes onto this long, rambling speech about how he's going to plunge the galaxy into war with the countless new Krogan the genophage cure will allow them to produce. Throughout the speech, there's a renegade interrupt just begging you to push it. Even better, when you do, you tell him he talks to much, then you shoot something underneath him. He mocks your shot, but the hissing sound soon alerts him to what you were doing, then you blow him up with a second shot. The best part? The other Krogan are casually backing away, as though they wanted you to do it because they were bored with the speech too.
Most people never get far enough into the Clanspeaker's rant before they hit the Renegade interrupt, but a hysterical moment occurs when the Clanspeaker brags the Krogan will enslave Salarians and eat their eggs - Mordin's Squicked expression is priceless.
Throwing a combat drone at a Krogan is pretty hilarious to watch, as he will usually stop whatever he is doing, bellow an enraged scream, and charge the drone like a bull to a red cape. Sometimes even if he's right next to you and you're down to a sliver of health, he's gotta charge that combat drone!
If Ashley died on Virmire, the Galactic News announces that she's being posthumously awarded medals by the Turians and the Salarians. They...kind of sugarcoat things.
Ashley: [In Mass Effect] I can't tell the aliens from the animals. Reporter: [In Mass Effect 2] Williams served proudly with non-human crew members, and was once heard to say, "Human or alien, we're all just animals."
Getting a discount the Renegade way. Here's the dialogue from, to pick a store at random, Citadel Souvenirs:
Deleia Sanassi: Good day, my friends. Welcome to the Citadel. Shepard: You know, for a bunch of cheap touristy crap, your prices are pretty high. Deleia: *politely* I am sorry you feel that way. There are many stores on the Citadel. Perhaps another would be more in your price range. Shepard: So you're saying I'm poor? Just because I'm not as well off as you doesn't mean you can hold yourself above me. Deleia: What? No, I— Shepard: [walking into the doorway and yelling out into hallway] HEY! EVERYONE!THIS STORE DISCRIMINATES AGAINST THE POOR! Deleia: [panicked] Please, calm down! As an apology, I'll let you have my station employee discount. Is that acceptable? Shepard: Well, all right. But you still hurt my feelings.
It can be even funnier because sometimes the way the game loads NPCs will result in a single random Turian standing in the street looking over at Shepard while Shepard screams nonsense.
Many advertisements in the game, including:
Asari #1: Hey, are you okay? You seem touchy. It's not... biotic neural itching, is it? Asari #2: I've tried everything! Asari #1: Don't let anyone know, but I had the same thing. Eternigel cleared it right up! Announcer: Eternigel. Because nothing should stop you from embracing eternity.
A little throwaway line when you ask a couple of looters about Mordin during his recruitment mission.
Looter #1: The doc? He's crazy. He'll patch up a gunshot wound for free, then kick you out on your ass the second you try to steal some painkillers. Looter #2: To be honest, man, you kinda had that coming.
Lantar Sidonis's attempts to atone for the betrayal he had done to Garrus's crew on Omega. He turns himself in to C-SEC for his crimes... but due to the anarchic nature of Omega, there's no means to extradite him back, and no law authority on Omega to punish him anyway. C-SEC doesn't know what to do with him as a result, since the crime he confessed to didn't happen in their jurisdiction.
Mixing Pull and Throw against enemies on higher ground can produce hilarious trajectories with your adversaries flying through the air with the greatest of ease.
Go to the nightclub in the Citadel and talk to the Turian bartender about "rumors." He has nothing, but once the conversation finishes, he'll mutter to himself about why humans always ask him about that.
The first time when meeting Kasumi, she is hiding near an advertisement board, trying to get Shepard's attention via ads, mocking different real world ad types and becoming increasingly annoyed when Shepard does not react:
Commander Shepard, enter the password and receive a free gift. Got problems with collectors? Try Kasumi's credit services. Commander Shepard, we have the finest companions waiting for you. Perhaps something petite, smart, and Japanese would be your style? Just enter your password for a fabulous prize package worth millions of credits. Okay, really? How many times can you walk by without stopping?