- Kaidan is a Covert Pervert:
- From the rarely-seen renegade Kaidan, regarding the Council:
"50,000 years to figure this out and it's down to 25 mutineers. Way to go, team Milky Way."
- All of Wrex's lines are pretty much made of hilarity. It's the way he delivers them. Everything is said in this completely deadpan voice where you can't quite tell if he's joking or not at first. He usually is, though—he probably does it on purpose because he thinks it's funny to watch other species squirm while they try to wriggle their way out of getting mauled by an angry krogan. It's just so funny that the oldest, grumpiest member of your squad is also the designated Deadpan Snarker. Joker may be quite adept at being the Deadpan Snarker, but Wrex truly elevates this to an art form.
- On killing krogans despite the genophage: "Anyone who fights us is either stupid or on Saren's payroll. Killing the latter is business. Killing the former is a favor to the universe."
- And when first talking to him on the Normandy: "There was this one time the turians almost wiped out our entire race. That was fun." It's the delivery that makes it hilarious.
- Speaking of Army of Darkness...
- Makes you wonder if her name is entirely coincidental. If it was, they probably noticed half way in and just ran with it.
- "Your grasp of the obvious is inspiring."
Ashley: Huh. Nobody died.
Kaidan: I could shoot someone if it would make you feel better.
Ashley: Nah, I'm good.
- Kaidan gives Shepard some initial advice on dealing with ambassadors:
Kaidan: Salute anything you can't eat or kill.
- "Who votes to take the vehicle into the creepy underground tunnel?"
- Then Garrus: "Yes. Its weapons' massive firepower should be useful in these cramped quarters."
- When Ashley is telling Shepard about her family and gets to the part about her father:
Ashley: Dad passed on a few years back, he's probably still watching though, so behave.
Shepard: He's not a zombie, is he?
- During a conversation with Ashley about some of her anti-alien sentiments, you can get something along the lines of the following exchange:
Ashley: You ask me to jump, Iíll say 'how high?' You ask me to kiss a turian, I'll say 'which cheek'?
Shepard: I don't think kissing turians is going to be necessary, Chief.
- Pretty standard humor for Ashley. Then cue ME2's romantic options...
- This branch from the "kiss a turian" line.
Shepard: Will you kiss anyone I tell you to?
Ashley: Yes, sir. Unless you ask me to kiss a superior officer. This would violate Alliance regulations on fraternization. At which point, I would refuse your request and relieve you of your command. ...Sir.
- Fridge Brilliance: Then Shepard wouldn't be her superior officer anymore. Let's hear it for Loophole Abuse!
- Talking to Ashley about Eden Prime:
Shepard: The geth are perfect ambushers. They don't move, they don't sleep, they don't even breathe.
Ashley: Sir, they have flashlight heads!
- The elevator music. Makes the otherwise-boring elevator sequences pretty damn funny.
- Speaking of the elevators, nearly everyone's elevator conversations on the Citadel. Bonus points for the mention of Francis Kitt's production of Hamlet with elcor actors. Becomes even funnier in Mass Effect 2, when you learn that this production of Hamlet is a riveting FOURTEEN HOURS long.
- The much-maligned elevator rides are, at least, good for comedy:
Wrex: Hey, Tali. Your people created the geth, ever talk about it?
Tali: Do the krogan talk about starting a stupid war that got your species sterilized?
Wrex: All the time.
- And this:
Liara: Our travels now are somewhat different from my normal excavations. I would prefer lengthier studies, and fewer explosions.
Tali: Yes. Most of the technology that I hoped to send back to the Flotilla has subsequently attempted to kill us.
Wrex: It's good for you. A nice explosion now and then keeps the mind sharp.
Ashley: I think you speak for scientists everywhere, Liara.
- Eh, let's just say ANY elevator conversation with Wrex is worthy for the lulz.
Kaidan: I haven't spent much time with krogan before, Wrex. I have to say, you're not what I expected.
Wrex: Right. Because you humans have a wide range of cultures and attitudes, but krogan all think and act exactly alike.
Kaidan: Whoa. I-I didn't mean... Look, just forget I said anything.
- Ashley takes the elevator ride on Therum in stride.
Dare you to spit over the side.
- One of the best elevator conversations ever, between Wrex and Tali:
Wrex: Who would win in a fight between you and Shepard?
Tali: Do krogan size up everyone they meet for a fight, including friends and allies?
- Wrex's tone makes him sound surprised that she even asked the question, in the "you don't?" sense.
- If you have Wrex and Kaidan, the conversation ends up going something like this.
Wrex: Who would win in a fight between you and Shepard?
Kaidan: What? Commander Shepard is my superior officer. I can't see us ever having to fight.
Wrex: You can't? That's why Shepard is your superior officer. And that's why... Shepard would win.
- If one thinks about this, this also means that Wrex, one of the most badass individuals in the universe, believes Shepard could kick his butt most days since Wrex is willing to let Shepard order him around most of the time. He's not wrong. The standoff in ME3 proves that.
- In a more lighthearted take on the above conversation, the Citadel DLC has a great Call Back to that scene, seeing as how you're fighting a clone of Shepard.
- On landing:
Kaidan: I think I've got snow in my boots! Mom was right. I should've brought a sweater.
- Ashley gives good advice once outside the ship:
Ashley: Nobody lick any poles.
- If you have Wrex with you when you first arrive, and you have the confrontation with the dock guards:
Shepard: Easy. We don't want to start a fight.
Wrex: .....Why not?
- Tali's reaction is just as good: "I'll be... right behind you. That armor is in good condition?"
- And then there's the conversation with Lorik Qui'in, hilarious no matter who you bring with you: Kaidan's remark about asari and extranet fetish sites, Ashley's ironic Take That against the video game industry, Qui'in calmly asking Shepard to try not to get blood on his office carpets, and Wrex telling Qui'in that if the Executive Board doesn't support him, "you should eat them."
- The fetish site thing is especially funny considering his earlier claim that Liara is "not to his taste", and he doesn't have much interest in "alien culture". Suuuuure.
- Lorik Qui'in has evidence that Administrator Anoleis is crooked and has Shepard retrieve the evidence. If you ask him to testify instead of using it for blackmail, he will refuse. You can convince him... OR you can just give the evidence to Anoleis instead (ruining Qui'in's career, and possibly his life) simply to backstab him. Upon telling Qui'in (who is naturally in shock), he asks why. The Renegade response?
- Gianna Parasini's reaction is also excellent, as is Shepard's response.
Parasini: Spectre, have you given any more consideration to my offer?
Shepard: Anoleis paid me for it. Tough luck.
Parasini: You're kidding. Do you have any I...WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!
Shepard: Language, miss.
- Also, threaten Anoleis with blackmail when you have Garrus and Wrex with you:
Wrex: Yes we could. Do you think he lifts anything heavier than stacks of hardcopy?
- Lorik Qui'in remarking on a human turn of phrase:
Shepard: (When finishing up a conversation with him) I should let you go.
Qui'in: "Let me go"? Do humans consider conversation a form of imprisonment? Maybe that is why so few are willing to sit and talk.
- Trying to make small talk with the krogan bounty hunter Inamorda.
Shepard: What's that you're drinking there?
Inamorda: Human blood! With cinnamon!
- If you didn't get the codes to start the Neutron Purge, one of Shepard's lines is "Sic Semper *cough*", in a shout out to Army of Darkness's "Klaatu...Barada...*mumble*" The VI will take a slight pause before denying access.
- The party responses to Mira's explanation of how dangerous the neutron purge is are also good for a laugh. Wrex argues with it, claiming it would be like a walk in the sun for a krogan (whereas Mira claims that it's lethal to all lifeforms). If Liara and Ashley or Kaidan are with you, Liara tells Shepard the importance of reading the directions on any controls s/he uses, prompting Ashley/Kaidan to remark that it's always a good idea to RTFM, to Liara's confusion. If Tali is with you she will provide the immortal line:
- There is also the VI's response to Liara's saying that they shouldn't press buttons. "That is a wise precaution for every terminal in this facility."
- The Renegade response to discovering the Mira VI is amusingly labeled: "Crap, it's a pop-up".
- And of course, it's in response to this: "It looks like you're trying to restore this facility. Would you like help?", referencing the infamous Clippy from older versions of Microsoft Office.
- The following exchange:
is paying you to shake this place down. That makes you a criminal. I can kill criminals.
Guard: You're bluffing.
Wrex: You're right. They're actually going to let me eat you.
Guard: ...How about this? You pretend you didn't see us, we'll pretend we didn't see you.
- If you bring Liara with you on Noveria, enter the Hot Labs, and ask Mira where Benezia is:
Shepard: Is there an asari in the hot labs?
Liara: How humans tolerate such literal-minded VIs is beyond me...
- When the rachni start banging around but before they're actually revealed:
Kaidan: What was that?!
- Also occurs if you have Garrus and Wrex.
- Take Wrex with you.
His reaction to the announcement that a certain, revered Asari Matriarch passed through? "Saren's flunky? She's here?"
Not to mention his reaction to Mira insisting that the neutron purge is 100% lethal? "I won't let some virtual wench insult my fitness!"