"The Twin Towers" is a fan-written spec script for the show Seinfeld written by comedian Billy Domineau
in 2016, trying to imagine how the show would handle the 9/11 terrorist attacks if it had still been on the air in 2001. Unlike a lot of actual media made right after 9/11, the script doesn't try to handle the issue with kid gloves: the protagonists are written to be just as flawed and insensitive as they were for any other episode. It also satirizes the heightened tension, overly showy patriotism, and anti-Islamic paranoia of post-9/11 American culture.
Several days after the attacks, George is at an event hosted by the Yankees to honor the first responders and sparks a fight after some insensitive comments to an injured firefighter. He commiserates afterwards at Monk's Café with Jerry, who's worried about any remaining dust from the towers' collapse being in his food. Elaine is relieved that her soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend Brian died in the attacks, but gets word that he survived and worries about how to break up with him. Kramer, meanwhile, is determined to get reimbursed for his boxcutter that was lost in the attacks—because he loaned it to one of the hijackers. Other characters making appearances include George's parents, Larry the café manager, Jackie Chiles, and Newman.
George gets mistaken by a survivor for the man who rescued her and her coworkers from the Twin Towers, and plays along with it against Jerry's advice, gleefully exploiting the new generosity people show him. He even manages to become the guest of honor at a dinner hosted by Mayor Giuliani, where the rest of the gain is in attendance. Brian is there too; he's one of the survivors who believes he was saved by George, and considers the fact that Elaine's friend saved his life is a sign that they're meant to be together. Kramer accidentally opens a package full of white dust, which gets on Jerry and causes him to panic and run into George. When George sneezes, the survivors realize that his sneeze was different from that of their savior and gang up on him. Elaine uses the opportunity to split up with Brian.
The script got some significant coverage shortly after its publication, including Slate, the AV Club, TIME Magazine, and Entertainment Weekly. Domineau would later go on to be hired as a writer for Family Guy and season 47 of Saturday Night Live. It can be read in its entirety here.
"The Twin Towers" contains examples of:
- Ambiguous Syntax: When George is praised for his alleged heroism, he says things like "I didn't really do anything"—technically telling the truth while manipulatively portraying himself as a Humble Hero.
- Been There, Shaped History: By lending Mohammed Atta his box cutter (and maybe talking him into doing it), Kramer helped one of the men who caused the destruction of the Twin Towers. People are understandably upset whenever they hear that (although they express it in typical Seinfeld fashion) and Kramer (being Kramer) is more upset about losing the cutter.
- Blatant Lies: George's reason for what he was allegedly doing at the World Trade Center was that he was getting lunch. Yes, lunch in the Financial District at 8 AM on a Tuesday.
- Chekhov's Gag:
- When George meets the 9/11 survivors he allegedly "saved," they talk about how distinctive and "heroic" his sneeze sounded when he was in the tower. They realize he's a fraud when he sneezes in front of them in the final scene and it sounds nowhere near as heroic as they remember."That's not the sneeze of the man who saved us. GEORGE COSTANZA IS AN IMPOSTOR!"
- Newman and Kramer are revealed to be stealing and opening "misfit" packages where the address is unidentifiable. At the end, Kramer opens one up and gets a faceful of white powder, implied to be one of the anthrax envelopes.
- When George meets the 9/11 survivors he allegedly "saved," they talk about how distinctive and "heroic" his sneeze sounded when he was in the tower. They realize he's a fraud when he sneezes in front of them in the final scene and it sounds nowhere near as heroic as they remember.
- Comforting the Widow: George uses his status as a 9/11 hero to manipulate Rachel, who lost her husband in the attacks, into sleeping with him.
- Conspiracy Theorist: Arthur, one of Kramer's kooks, believes that 9/11 was an inside job. Kramer says later that he last saw Arthur get tossed into a van by some Men In Black.
- Deliberate Values Dissonance: Jerry's uncle Leo says his cousin Jeffrey is a "hero" for assaulting a halal food vendor who didn't have a license, a nod to the spike in Islamophobic attacks in the days and weeks after 9/11.
- Failed a Spot Check: Kramer goes to the claims office and wonders why the mood in the room, which is full of people who have had their livelihoods ruined by 9/11, is so bleak.
- "Fawlty Towers" Plot: George lies to a 9/11 survivor that he saved her from the Twin Towers. He perpetuates the lie to get more and more attention, eventually becoming the guest of honor at a dinner hosted by Mayor Giuliani. It all ends up falling apart after the survivors hear him sneeze and realize it sounded differently than their savior's.
- Good-Times Montage: A montage (set to "Where Were You" by Alan Jackson) shows George being lauded by the public after he's mistaken for a life-saving hero.
- Historical In-Joke: It's implied that one of the lost letters Kramer and Newman stole was an anthrax envelope from the 2001 anthrax attacks.
- History with Celebrity: Kramer discovers that his old friend "Mo Atta" was actually al-Qaeda member and 9/11 hijacker Mohammed Atta. To make matters worse, the box cutter he used to hijack the plane was one he borrowed from Kramer.
- Hospitality for Heroes:
- George exploits his status as an alleged 9/11 hero to get free coffee, food, and pornographic videotapes from grateful shopkeepers.
- Jerry's drycleaner offers free cleaning services for the uniform of first responders, something which causes the dust-phobic Jerry to panic.
- It's All About Me: Kramer gets together a bunch of other kooks who feel so victimized by minor inconveniences after 9/11 they deserve government compensation for it. This includes Marge (who can't focus on her scrapbooking with all the sirens) and Benny (who's suffering from withdrawal because the TV studios aren't recording new game shows).
- Language Fluency Denial: When confronted by a distraught woman looking for her missing husband, Kramer acts like he doesn't speak English.
- Large Ham: Elaine's boyfriend Brian talks very boisterously and constantly makes sound effects, which makes Elaine feels like she's dating a radio DJ.
- Minor Flaw, Major Breakup:
- Elaine wants to dump Brian because of his annoying voice.
- Jerry freaks out after meeting a girl and refuses to kiss her because he sees a piece of dust (which he paranoically suspects to be from the Twin Towers) stuck in her teeth. She ends up dumping him because he's so petty.
- Mistaken for Badass: A group of World Trade Center survivors mistake George for a heroic rescuer who led them down eighty flights of stairs to their safety. George, being the Glory Hound he is, goes along and continues to deceive them.
- Mistaken for Terrorist: While having a panic attack about dust, Jerry wraps a red-and-white checkered tablecloth over his head. An angry mob accuses him of being a terrorist and chases him down the street.
- No Sense of Personal Space: At a ceremony honoring first responders, George goes in to hug one, completely oblivious to how awkward it is.
- No Sympathy: It's Played for Laughs, but even by Seinfeld standards, this is overkill (Kramer never seems to understand he is personally responsible for arming one of the people who brought down the Twin Towers, for example.)
- One Dialogue, Two Conversations: George Steinbrenner chastises George for lying to him. George thinks he's finally been caught in his lie, but Steinbrenner clarifies that he meant how George is being a Humble Hero.
- Patriotic Fervor: Much like in real life, several of the characters have a surfeit of it:
- Larry, the manager of Monk's Cafe, has decked out the place with American flags and gets mad at Jerry for insinuating that there's some World Trade Center dust on his sandwich."This whole city has dust on it. Our HEARTS are covered in dust. You’re gonna eat that sandwich or you’re not eating at all. [turns to waitresses] He doesn’t get ANYTHING until he eats that sandwich. Thinks he’s too good for dust. That dust is AMERICA."
- When George's mother Estelle questions why George would've been at the World Trade Center for lunch at 8 AM, his father Frank goes into a rant about how it's his right as an American to eat lunch whenever he damn well pleases.
- Larry, the manager of Monk's Cafe, has decked out the place with American flags and gets mad at Jerry for insinuating that there's some World Trade Center dust on his sandwich.
- Rambling Old Man Monologue: George Steinbrenner makes an appearance, so of course the topic of his speech meanders from commemorating George's heroism to selling T-shirts with slogans about bugs.
- Returning the Wedding Ring: At the end, Elaine takes off her engagement ring and gives it back to Brian.
- Skewed Priorities:
- George is envious of the 9/11 first responders because they got the chance to be heroes lauded by everyone, ignoring all the trauma they suffered and the friends they lost.
- Kramer bemoans the loss of his $20 box cutter as proof of how he's a victim of the 9/11 attacks too. He double down on how victimized he's become after everyone finds out he was friends with a terrorist.
- When Frank Costanza learns his son is being honored as a hero by the mayor, his first thought is using it as an opportunity to get his parking tickets overturned.
- Terrified of Germs: Jerry becomes paranoid of running into any remaining dust from the Twin Towers collapsing, not the least because it could contain people's pulverized remains. He gets to the point where he wears gloves and a mask whenever he goes outside and has a panic attack whenever he sees any.
- Thrill Seeker: Discussed. George asks a police officer and firefighter how the attacks must've been an exciting opportunity for them to display their heroics. The men, outraged at the thought of someone considering the worst tragedy of their lives "exciting," start a fight with him.
- Unwitting Instigator of Doom:
- Kramer wonders whether he's responsible for inspiring Mohammed Atta to plan the 9/11 attacks after telling him he should do something about all his rage toward the US government.
- Whenever he tells people what happened to his boxcutter, people directly blame Kramer for the attacks and insult him.
