The Diamond Dogs
Ted experiences complicated emotions in the aftermath of his one-night stand with Sassy. Higgins, Beard, and Nate talk it out with him, concluding that Ted didn't do anything wrong and needs to cut himself some slack. The four of them nickname themselves "the Diamond Dogs." Meanwhile, Keeley repeatedly asks out Roy, but makes no headway. Jamie, who is in town for a match, unexpectedly stops by Keeley's house that night. It's revealed that Jamie blames Ted for his transfer back to Manchester City, which he believes Ted could have stopped. He also thanks Keeley for helping him grow as a person. Keeley invites him in, and the two of them sleep together.
The next day, Roy asks Keeley out on a date. Keeley, tired of his mixed signals, asks why he has been avoiding her if he's interested in her. Roy explains that he wanted to move slow because his past short flings have never worked out well for him. Keeley understands, but confesses that she slept with Jamie last night, which upsets Roy. Ted and the rest of the Diamond Dogs tell Roy to get over it and not let Keeley's romantic history interfere with their future. Roy tells Keeley that he is no longer mad about her sleeping with Jamie and asks her to dinner. On their date, a paparazzo takes photos of the two of them kissing. Roy steals the photographer's camera card.
Rebecca and Ted go to The Crown and Anchor to meet the Milk sisters, two minority owners of AFC Richmond whom Rebecca dislikes, only to be greeted by Rupert instead. Rupert explains that, while he's no longer allowed an ownership stake in Richmond, he and Bex are engaged and he lent her the money to buy the Milk sisters' share. He also tells Rebecca that he plans to join her in the owner's box in the stadium at every match and badmouth her to the press. Ted steps in and challenges Rupert to a game of darts, wagering him that, if Ted wins, Rupert can't go anywhere near the owner's box while Rebecca owns the club. Rupert performs very well in the game, with Ted needing two triple 20s and a bullseyenote on his last turn in order to beat him. Ted tells a story about how he has been underestimated his entire life by people who judged him instead of being curious about him. He says that, if Rupert had been curious enough to ask, he would have known that Ted learned to play darts from his father as a child and is an extremely skilled player. Ted easily makes all three shots, winning the game. Rupert accepts defeat, while Rebecca is overjoyed at seeing him put in his place.
The next morning, Rebecca gloats to Higgins about how Ted humiliated Rupert. Nevertheless, she has no plans to stop her undermining of Ted and the club, which is now on the brink of relegation going into the final match of the season. Higgins finally snaps and tells Rebecca that her quest for revenge won't make her feel better. He resigns and leaves in disgust just as Keeley storms into Rebecca's office, looking equally livid. Keeley tells Rebecca that she and Roy found the photo of her and Ted on the paparazzo's camera card, and the photographer told them that Rebecca hired him to take the picture. She offers Rebecca an ultimatum: either come clean to Ted or Keeley will do it for her.
Tropes featured in "The Diamond Dogs" include:
- An Aesop: Demonstrated by Higgins when he finally tells Rebecca that her actions to sabotage the team are hurting many innocent people, and she won't actually achieve the closure she desires by continuing to try to hurt Rupert.
- The Bet: Ted and Rupert make one on a game of darts at the Crown & Anchor. If Rupert wins, he gets to set Richmond's lineup for all of their remaining matches. If Ted wins, Rupert is banned from attending any matches in-person. Ted humiliates Rupert after revealing he's actually an expert player.
- Cargo Ship: An In-Universe case; when Keeley asks the players what products they'd like to endorse, Colin remarks that he'd "fuck a pair of Air Jordans". Sam makes a point of clarifying that, while he too likes Air Jordans, he does not want to sleep with them.
- Carpet of Virility: Ted calls Roy "my fine furry fella".
- Chekhov's Gunman: The paparazzo who photographed Keeley and Ted returns to try and photograph Keeley and Roy. Roy spots him and steals his memory card, leading to him discovering the photos of Keeley and Ted, leading to Keeley finding out that Rebecca set the whole thing up.
- Contrived Coincidence: Rebecca's secret of hiring a photographer to take pictures of Ted and Keeley together to damage Ted's reputation would have never been discovered had not the same photographer taken photos of Roy and Keeley kissing. Roy steals the photographer's camera card, which contains the photo of Ted and Keeley, leading Keeley to discover it and confront Rebecca over it.
- Evil Is Petty: Rupert sponsored his new fiancée buying out Richmond’s minority owners, not so he could be part of the club again, but so he could humiliate Rebecca on a weekly basis.
- Friendship Moment: Ted once again makes it a point to let Rebecca know that she's not alone in dealing with Rupert, and then he goes and snookers him with a game of darts.
- The Ghost: The Milk sisters, two minority owners of the club, are frequently mentioned throughout the episode and Rebecca arranges to meet with them. They never appear, since Rupert already bought them out.
- Grew a Spine: Higgins finally musters up the courage to call Rebecca out for her childish game against her ex-husband.
- Hurricane of Puns: Ted has a grand time churning out dairy-based jokes about the Milk sisters, two minority owners of the club. Rebecca is not amused and eventually tells him to stop.
- Hypocrite: Rupert calling Rebecca "randy" in front of the whole pub is pretty rich considering he's a well-known serial philanderer.
- I Am Not Left-Handed: Ted challenges Rupert to a darts game with a wager; if Rupert wins he can pick the starting line-up for Richmond's last two games of the season, but if Ted wins, Rupert cannot sit in the owner's box. Rupert accepts the challenge thinking he can easily best Ted. Then Ted reveals that he "forgot" he is left-handed and reveals himself to be a much better darts player than he led Rupert to believe. He wins the game.
- Immediate Self-Contradiction:Ted: Okay look, I'm gonna tell you something, but then I don't wanna talk about it ever again, okay?
Coach Beard: Okay.
Ted: I'm serious. I don't want to make jokes about it, I don't want you giving me any knowing glances, you know what I mean?
Coach Beard: Okay.
Ted: Okay. [beat] Last night, I, uh, I slept with Rebecca's friend, Sassy.
Coach Beard: Wanna talk about it?
Ted: I'd love to. Yeah. Immediately. - Internal Reveal: Keeley finally discovers Rebecca is the one who hired the photographer to take pictures of her and Ted together.
- Jerkass Has a Point: Rupert saying that Rebecca is trying to "fuck over an entire team" is rude and uncalled for, but he's not wrong about her intentions.
- Loophole Abuse: Per the divorce agreement, Rupert isn't allowed any stake of his former club, so he sponsors his new fiancée in buying out two minority owners.
- My God, What Have I Done?: Rebecca shows signs of guilt as Ted wins his darts game against Rupert.
- Not Staying for Breakfast: Rebecca gathers her things while preparing to sneak out while her one-night stand is asleep, but then she remembers that it's her hotel room.Rebecca: [to herself] Wait, what am I doing? This is my fucking room. [loudly] Oy! You! Get out!
- Downplayed by Ted, who stays just long enough to tell Sassy that he's gotten her a coffee and extended her stay before leaving.
- O.O.C. Is Serious Business: Beard notes that Ted didn't talk on the entire bus ride of 5 hours, which is a new record for him by about 5 hours.
- Oh, Crap!: Rebecca goes deer in the headlights when her abusive ex once again surprises her, this time with Young Rebecca in tow.
- Overly Long Gag: When Roy admits he's okay with Keeley having slept with Jamie the night before, she insists on asking him questions as a journalist from The Independent Woman, The Independent Woman: Online Edition, etc. Roy plays along, but eventually gets fed up and walks out having agreed to a dinner date.
- Poor Communication Kills: Deconstructed with Roy and Keeley. They admit how their poor communication has fucked things up and realize that open communication is good and healthy and that, honestly, they don't really have much to be upset about.
- "The Reason You Suck" Speech: A subtler version, but Ted's monologue just before he's about to solidly win a game of darts against Rupert, wherein Ted explains that he has been underestimated for his entire life by judgmental people who dismiss his positive, unconventional attitude as one of naïveté.
- Serious Business: Everyone in the pub gets really, really into Ted's and Rupert's darts game.
- "Shut Up" Kiss: Roy gives one to Keeley when she keeps talking nervously in his presence.
- Stealth Pun: Two extremely subtle examples in the darts scenes, which telegraph Ted hustling Rupert at darts to keep him away from the club.
- First, when asked if he enjoys playing darts, Ted deflects by joking about snooker. "Snooker," in addition to being a popular English billiards game, is also a verb, meaning "to prevent someone's plan of action" (in British English) or "to deceive someone" (in American English), both of which accurately describe Ted's hustle.
- Second, he casually calls Rupert "Rupe-a-dupes," a pun on "rope-a-dope," a strategy originating in boxing of feigning passivity and weakness, only to spring the trap at the last minute.
- Take That!: When Higgins proposes naming the group of men the "Proud Boys," Nate immediately vomits.
- Tranquil Fury: When Rupert throws one nasty insult too many at Rebecca, Ted very calmly, politely threatens to stab him.Rupert: [Rebecca] always been a randy woman, but I never thought she'd fuck over an entire team.
Ted: Hey. Better manners when I'm holding a dart. Please. - What the Hell, Hero?: Higgins finally snaps at Rebecca for destroying the team. In turn, she calls him out for having been Rupert's lap-dog for years. Higgins finally ups and quits. Then Keeley walks in and confronts Rebecca for having set her and Ted up for Mistaken for Cheating earlier in the season. Rebecca gets called out hard by the two people closest to her.
- Wounded Gazelle Gambit: A variant; Ted leads Rupert to believe that he's no good at darts in order to get him to make the wager, and then starts to play with the wrong hand before revealing that he's actually very good at darts.
