- Pullo and Vorenus are marching back from Gaul, about to return to Rome.
Pullo: Here I come, girls! I'm gonna drink all the wine, smoke all the smoke, and fuck every whore in the city!
Vorenus: Show some dignity! You're under the standard!
Pullo: Me? What about him?
- Pompey has one of his best moments by spoofing Cicero's Animal Motifs.
Cicero: When confronted by a hungry wolf, it is unwise to goad the beast, as Cato would have us do. But it is equally unwise to imagine the snarling animal a friend and offer your hand as Pompey does.
Pompey: Perhaps you would have us climb a tree! (the whole Senate laughs)
- Pullo and Vorenus find that Pompey's troops have stopped defending the city.
Vorenus: It makes no sense. We should have been stopped by now. Why is Rome not defended?
Pullo: Our boys scared 'em off, eh?
Vorenus: Soldiers of the Republic do not run! So it must be a stratagem. A trick.
Pullo: It's a good trick.
Vorenus: Unless the Gods have abandoned Rome. If Mars were watching, he would not allow such a disgrace!
Pullo: Maybe he was havin' a crap and missed it.
- Pullo giving Vorenus romantic advice.
Pullo: She's got this little spot right above her cunny, like a little button. Now, attend to that button, and she will open up like a flower.
Vorenus (horrified and pissed off): How do you know this of her?!
Pullo: (Stunned beat) All women have them! Ask anyone!
- Made funnier by the fact Vorenus is a long-time married man with several children.
- Atia and Octavia arguing over who will kill who when their house was under siege by Pompey's men in episode 3.
Atia (to her slave): ...and then you must kill Octavia if I am taken alive. Then - you must kill yourself. Your survival would be inappropriate.
Octavia: I don't want you to kill me.
Atia: Why? Are you still mad at me?
- When Vorenus orders Pullo to return the Roman treasury to Caesar, Pullo, established from his first scene as reckless, brave, undisciplined and impulse driven, so of course he starts bitching again.
Pullo: Here's me, come to give you a gift and-
Vorenus: An order!
Pullo: (Stands to attention, terrified)
- Dark example, when Octavian (at age 14) takes over Pullo's interrogation and torture of Evander.
Octavian: We need to hear the truth. If you persist in lying to us, we'll torture you. You'll die only after many hours of agony and horror. You give us honesty now, and you'll go swiftly, painlessly. (Evander won't confess) Torture him.
Pullo (half admiring, half appalled): Juno's cunt, but you're salty! And I was worried about bringing you!
Octavian: Go on, then.
Pullo (Hesitating): I've never actually tortured anyone. I don't know how.
Octavian: You don't know how?
Octavian (businesslike): Why not cut off his thumbs?
Pullo: That's good enough.
- In the first episode, Vorenus orders the crucified prisoners to be taken down after one of them talks immediately. In a blink-and-you'll-miss-it moment, a soldier rolls his eyes as if to say, But we just put them up!
- Atia's gift of a well-endowed slave to Servilia.
"A large penis is always welcome".
- The darkly hilarious coda to "Egeria", where the legionaries are shivering on the deck of a galley as it battles through a raging storm.
This is cack, this is! I'm wet through! Lucius Vorenus:
We're perfectly safe — a very good offering was made to Triton! [son of Neptune, god of the Sea] Pullo:
If Triton can't keep me drier than this, he can suck my cock!
(ship starts to capsize) Vorenus: Why can't you learn to keep your fat mouth shut?!
- Atia arranges Pullo will be taking Octavian to a high class brothel to find a girl.
Atia: Octavian! Have you penetrated anyone yet?
- At first, Pullo is shooed away because it's not "an infantry fuckhole", and then he is outraged by their prices, "1000"
Pullo: Gerrae! I could have half the whores in Narbo for that, and their mothers.
Madam: We're not in Narbo, whatever that might be.
Pullo: All right, my dove. We'll pay. But the girl better fuck him like Helen of Troy with her ass on fire, or I'll know the reason why.
- While he and the madam are waiting for Octavian to finish his business, Pullo hesitantly begins to ponder, "I don't suppose, seeing as I'm with the quality..." (meaning the upper class)
Madam: (without looking up from her ledger) Not a chance!
- Mark Antony being appointed to run Rome while Caesar is off campaigning:
Antony: I shall be a good politician. Even if it kills me. Or if it kills anyone else, for that matter.
- Niobe doesn't get a lot of funny moments, but when Lucius has come home and has been grumping his way around the place for days, the last straw is when a very bloody and disoriented Pullo shows up with a fractured skull after a bar fight, and Lucius immediately sends for a doctor and treats Pullo like a comrade. Niobe is already annoyed with Lucius, but then he prepares to go out, leaving Pullo unconscious in the marital bed after a nasty skull operation:
Niobe: Where are you going?
Lucius: I have business.
Niobe: Business? What business?
Lucius: [annoyed] I understand that you are upset, but l will ask you, do not question me in that tone. [He stomps out]
Niobe: "Tone"?! [She calls after him] My father's COCK! [To herself] How's that for "tone".
- An irritated Octavia, at dinner with the family, doing a perfect imitation of the way her own mother moans during sex, and when shes finished she just scowls at Atia and shoves a grape into her mouth. Antony (the one who induced the sounds) can't help but praise the reenactment: "She has you exact."
- Antony takes an assistant... a dwarf dressed in black and called Cato in mockery.
- The gladiator trying to convince Pullo to put up a fight.
"That's not how it works. You're supposed to resist. Look, just hold your sword, you don't have to run about or anything."
- Julius Caesar displays baby Caesarion to his troops. Pullo (the actual father) immediately roars his approval, falters momentarily under a Death Glare from Vorenus, then can be heard shouting over the voices of Caesar's entire army.
- Pullo's first meeting with Cleopatra pretty much shows exactly what he's about. He bursts into her tent, saving her and her slave from an assassin, and then keeps stabbing the guy about twenty times while looking around the room and slowly realizing that: a) the guy is very dead and b) here be womenfolk.
His stabs slooowly peter off as he looks around and then he grins up at Cleo-fricking-patra
Pullo: Hello, ladies.
- While escorting Cleopatra and her entourage to Alexandria
Pullo: That Gyppo princess. Now, there's some good cunny.
Vorenus: Pullo, look at me. She's royalty. It's death to touch her.
- After Cleopatra fails to seduce the (tempted but incorruptible) Vorenus, he returns to his campfire.
"Report to Princess Cleopatra and do whatever she tells you to."
* One extremely vigorous and noisy sex scene later...* Pullo:
Gods, that was something, let me tell you. Vorenus:
I don't want to hear about it. If you're wise, you'll never speak of this again
Why? I was only obeying orders
. Bloody good orders, too.
- Antony is given a strict budget to recover Caesar's eagle. Half a talent. When he briefs Vorenus on the mission, Antony steals half of it without a second thought, measures the weight of the money bag with his hand to make sure he's being rapacious enough, then pours out a bit more.
- Vorenus, frustrated that he needs to go back to the army for money, took out his anger on a soldier for whistling.
"You're on duty!"
- The news reader noticing no one's listening to him because of the curfew he just announced.
- Cassius attempts to convince Brutus that Caesar wants to be King by showing him his curule seat in the Senate.
Cassius: A chair? It's a throne!
Brutus: (dismissive, incredulous) I believe thrones are generally more decorative. That is decidedly plain, and chair-like.
- Pullo is praying to Forculus, the god of doors, to get him out of jail. The text commentary notes that he forgot to pray to the goddess of hinges as well.
- The newsreader is announcing that martial law has been declared and meetings of more than three persons are forbidden. As he has two slaves attending him, he nervously looks around to make sure no-one has stopped to listen, as that would violate the edict.
- Mark Antony really shines and enjoys himself when his hour comes:
- His rather strong pronouncement that he wants to stay in bed...
I'm not rising from this bed until I fuck someone.
- Mirrored by Atia's "fine fine" answer:
Fine, fine. Merula, fetch that German slut from the kitchen. [addressing the slaves fixing up her funeral attire] And get it right, or you'll be next for the King of Goats there!
- And this exchange between the two just beforehand:
Antony: I've never fucked a woman in a funeral dress before.
Atia: Nor shall you now.
Antony: That's a shame. It'll have to be Merula then. [Merula starts in shock] Come here, old girl! Jump on!
Atia: She'd eat you alive!
- After Caesar's assassination:
Cassius: Our men at arms have secured the city. We've received representatives from all the best elements. The senate is with us, the knights are with us.
Brutus: The pontiffs, the urban cohorts, the lictor's guild...
Antony: Oh, the lictor's guild, very good. Only rally the bakers and the flute players and you can put on a festival.
- He says it with such aplomb that Tobias Menzies very obviously starts Corpsing for a few seconds before the camera cuts away.
- After Antony's rabble rousing speech:
Servilia: Do not look so pleased with yourself. Youre a liar and a breaker of oaths, and youve roused your rabble, nothing more. A pantomime actor might have done what you did today.
Antony: Lucky then it was me that did it, eh? Else you would now be on your knees sucking pantomime cock.
- Cicero could win a gold medal in Snark-to-Snark Combat. Consider the below exchange between himself and Mark Antony at Antony's office.
Mark Antony: Why are you here?
Cicero: You sent for me.
Antony: Oh yes, that. Show him. [Posca hands Cicero a roll of paper]
Antony: Very droll. It is a list of next year's election candidates drawn up by our beloved Caesar just before he was taken from us. Posca found it amongst his papers.
Antony: I want your endorsement of the names. For the sake of unity, amity, etc, etc.
Cicero: Isn't that just a little too brazen? Who would believe Caesar chose such wretches?
Antony: Surely you don't think these men paid me to put their names on the list?
Cicero: Not at all...I expect they paid Posca.
Antony: So? What's the problem?
Cicero: My endorsement will be worthless. People will merely assume I've been intimidated by you.
Antony: Are you not intimidated?
Antony: [beaten] Fine, fine. Do as you like!
- Mark Antony and "General" Posca counting the cost of losing the Battle of Mutina to Octavian
Mark Antony: How many dead, all told?
Centurion: 8000, give or take, sir.
Posca: Eight thousand?!
Mark Antony: Oh do cheer up! You're still alive, aren't you?!
Posca: I do hope so! If this is the afterlife, it is extremely disappointing!
- Pullo tells Vorenus his children are alive
Vorenus: General Antony, sir! Requesting permission to leave the legion, sir.
Antony: Now that's a soldier for you! Most men just slip away into the night, but this one...he asks permission before he deserts me.
- Octavian, Agrippa and Maecenas are exasperated when Posca delivers more names to add to the proscription lists, courtesy of Antony.
Posca: Mark Antony has many enemies. It takes time to remember them all.
- Agrippa has his Love at First Sight moment when he spots Octavia practicing her lyre playing in the atrium of the Julii villa. Her playing is sublime, Agrippa is enraptured...then she hits a wrong note:
- Agrippa taking a drunk and high Octavia home only to be confronted by her mother as he's trying to get away.
Octavia: I was at an orgy, mother.
Agrippa: Early stages! Early stages of an orgy. The Bacchcic rituals had not yet begun.
- Agrippa declaring his devotion to Octavia.
: I would follow you to Hades, to Britain even
, if I thought we had the right.
- Atia and Octavia are kept waiting outside Cleopatra's palace in the heat in formal Roman dress, unaware that Marc Antony and Cleopatra are arguing over whether or not to kill them. They're relieved when the doors finally open, only for Jocasta to emerge in Egyptian dress and start cheerfully gossiping to her old friend Octavia who just gapes in astonishment. Then an embarrassed Posca runs out and physically hauls Jocasta back inside.
Atia: They've all gone insane, obviously!
- During the Battle of Philippi, Octavian is peering into the dust kicked up by two virtually identical Roman armies slogging it out hand-to-hand.
Octavian: What's going on?
Antony: (casually munching on some bread) Noooo idea.
- On the other side of the battlefield, you have Brutus and Cassius engaging in some Casual Danger Dialog as Brutus remembers that the date is Cassius's birthday and Cassius snarkily accepts his apology for forgetting the cake, making Brutus promise to make him an extra large one next year.
- There's something primally amusing about Vorenus reducing the statuette of Concord to woodchip and then verbally dissing her.
Vorenus: I am a son of Hades! I fuck Concord in her arse!
- It's a recurrent line of his, but Antony's expression and delivery when Octavian confirms that he's already borrowed three million sestertii to give to the plebs makes that particular instance stand out.
Antony: [baffled] Oh Juno's...CUNT!
- The newsreader announces that during Herod's stay in Rome, all mockery of Jews and their one God shall be kept to an appropriate minimum.
- When Servilia shows up at Atia's house demanding justice, at first Atia is simply annoyed by the "ludicrous old bat" and remarks that Servilia should be bitching at Antony's house, since he's the one responsible for killing Brutus. After she's done, Antony can't help but praise the theatricality
Antony: Now, that's an exit.
- After a man at Cleopatra's court sneers at Antony, Antony forces the man to fight him. Just when Antony is thrusting the sword through the man's body, the guy brings himself to say "Really sir, I must protest"
- Octavia keeps telling Atia that Octavian is not coming to see her.
Atia: Thank you, daughter. I really appreciate these little chats we are having in between your drug binges.
- After Vorenus slaps one of his men in public, Erastes Fulmen demonstrates how only he is allowed to chastise his men by breaking a vase over the man's head.