- Played by: Creator/Mark Tierno
- Blind Without Them: Edward can't see without his glasses. Naturally, he loses them at the worst possible time, while Jack is trying to fight a Mercurian hand-to-hand and yelling for Edward to grab his gun.
- Cowardly Sidekick: Jack has to drag Edward (occasionally literally) around the building as they try to stop the Mercurians.
- Extreme Doormat: He offers little resistance to Jack dragging him around.
- Nervous Wreck: Being a regular office worker, Edward understandably has difficulty coping with his office being invaded by aliens and then being forced into helping save the world.
- White Collar Worker
- Played by: Creator/Curt Wootton
Curt's previous credits include the villainous Professor Fandango in the Captain Blasto web series, The Mercury Men concept short, and The Hidden Blade for IFC's Media Lab.
- Adventurer Outfit: Jack's outfit is reminiscent of a 1930's pulp hero, consisting of a flight cap and goggles, leather jacket over a turtleneck sweater, jodhpurs, and jackboots.
- The Captain
- Dressing as the Enemy: Jack dresses as one of the Mercurian engineers to get close enough to reverse the Gravity Engine in the film's climax.
- Expy: Jack is modelled after pulp heroes like Buck Rogers and Flash Gordon, with a little Indiana Jones thrown in for good measure.
- Good Is Not Nice: Jack spends a good deal of the film dragging Edward around (occasionally quite literally) and tells him point-blank that if Edward's death meant everyone else would survive, Jack would kill him himself.
- Good with Numbers: When his pencil breaks during the climax, Jack does the complex gravity equations in his head.
- Gun Twirling: After dispatching one of the Mercurians, Jack spins the gun around his finger like Film/Robocop before holstering it.
- The Hero
- Made of Iron: Jack gets hit with lightning more than any other character, yet suffers nothing more serious than being knocked unconscious.
- Ray Gun: Jack's revolver, the Lumiére, fires "Mercury pin" bullets made of Hard Light.
- Revolvers Are Just Better: The Lumiére resembles a modified six-shot revolver, though it fires Hard Light bullets, each of which is good for 24 shots.
- Science Hero: His gunslinging notwithstanding, Jack's greatest assets are his skills in mathematics and engineering, which allows him to reverse the Gravity Engine and save Earth.
- The Smart Guy
- Played by: Amy Staggs
- Energy Beings: The Mercury Men are made of hard light, appearing as little more than glowing silhouettes.
- Extra Eyes: The Mercury engineers' suits have three eyeholes, implying the species naturally has an extra eye.
- Hard Light: Despite being comprised of light, the Mercurians are definitely solid.
- Humanoid Aliens: They are humanoid in shape, but are taller and thinner than average humans and have a stooped posture (supposedly due to Earth's greater gravity).
- Lean and Mean: The antagonistic Mercury Men are much taller and slimmer than humans.
- Light Is Not Good: They are composed of pure light, but are anything but good.
- Lightworlder: It never becomes relevant to the plot, but Mercury's gravity is about 38% that of Earth's. Jack's journal notes this is the reason for their hunched posture.
- Shock and Awe: The Mercurians can shoot lighning from their hand.
- Soviet Super Science: Most of their technology was given to them by the Chief Engineer, who may or may not have been the former head of the Soviet space program.