Rude Tales of Magic Characters
Polaris Survivors
The dreamy bad boy of Polaris University. Bellow Gorramael is the party's slow-witted but well-meaning druid/cleric who is conflicted between his trouble-making frat, failing grades, and dead/missing parents. Recently converted from Druid studies to become the Cleric of Vacationism by the God of Vacations.
- Mellow Fellow: To the point Danny Timeshare describes him as almost psychotically relaxed.
- Nice Guy: Just an overwhelmingly kind and polite dude.
Albeara "Albee" Dawn, a Faun monk who worships Kreedis the Hero Monk. Albee attempts to be brave and heroic in everything she does. This can make her oblivious or brash, to the detriment of the party's survival.
- Blinded by Rage: After multi-classing in Barbarian, she's even more prone to this.
- Broken Pedestal: She adores Kreedis and lashes out when people badmouth him during their journey. When she finally meets him, she's heartbroken when Kreedis treats her like dirt and forces her to realize that she was projecting traits onto him that he never had.
- The Hero: While often shy and nervous, Albee tends to display the most heroic traits of the cast and acts as the prime instigator for their involvement in plots
- It's All About Me: Downplayed. Her brashness and desperation to save her family leads her to ignore the needs of her friends. Kreedis notes that someone can be complete self-absorbed and ego-driven, but still be a caring person.
- Leeroy Jenkins: She just can't resist leaping right into danger before the crew can put together a plan. She even gets confused and upset when Cordelia suggests they wait before rescuing her parents, interpreting it as a betrayal.
Cordelia Sasquatch, a student and sasquatch. She grew up alone in the woods before she emerged into the civilized world of Cordelia. Her life in solitude has given her a peculiar grasp on social norms and bonds with others. Currently engaged in a demonic pact with Cheddar the demon.
- Hero with Bad Publicity: Making a pact with a demon does little for her reputation and quickly results in a hunt for her head.
- Last of Her Kind: Potentially. She's never met a single one of her species. She gives up the chance to do so to help Albee meet Kreedis, but Danny Timeshare never gets the chance to reveal if he could find another sasquatch.
- Must Have Caffeine: She loves coffee and will take any substitute she can find.
- No Social Skills: Surprisingly averted. Despite her life of solitude, she's actually very pleasant and easy to talk to. However, she's also rather blunt and ignorant of social cues and ettiquette.
Once a nobleman and powerful wizard, Frederick de Bonesby attempted to turn himself into a lich. Through some unknown mishap, he turned himself into a skeleton while losing most of his magical powers. Traveling with his personal chef Stirfry, the self-centered spellcaster goes to Polaris University to relearn his magic and complete his ritual.
- Can't Take Criticism: He's incredibly self-conscious, going into a screaming fit if someone sees him without his wig.
- Freudian Excuse: The de Bonesby house enforced a strict hierarchy of privilege and punished any sign of weakness that might evolve.
- Innocently Insensitive: He's not particularly subtle when he's trying to be rude and most of his insulting comments tend to be completely ignorant rather than full of malice.
- Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Slowly, slowly starts to grow out of his shell and show genuine interest in lives of the party.
- Lack of Empathy: He struggles to express any empathy for the people around him. He's notably surprised when he realizes he cares about Cordelia and the others.
- Token Evil Teammate: Easily the most (openly) immoral of the party and openly advocates murder as a quick solution to problems. In one notable example, after encountering a dead Kenku in "Murder of Crows," he immediately assumes the cast has decided to murder them and begins plotting to assassinate the others.
Avian rogue and personal chef to Frederick de Bonesby. Unlike most of his kind, Stirfry was given the ability to speak by de Bonesby when he was at his full magical prowess. While capable of being quite ruthless, Stirfry is desperate for approval of his friends, especially Mr. de Bonesby.
- Crouching Moron, Hidden Badass: Stirfry is overly talkative, obsessively needy, and often operates on a weird layer of reality compared to the others. However, it soon becomes clear that he's very willing to resort to murder, even if it isn't necessary.
- Green-Eyed Monster: He quickly lashes out against anything that seems to infringe on his territory as the party's quirky friend.
People of Polaris
Come At the King Party Members
A mighty loxodon tax collector played by Tim Platt. He is immensely insecure despite his impressive size and intimidating appearance. Despite his belief in the Cordelian Empire, he finds himself whisked into a plot to assassinate the Emperor.
- Beware the Silly Ones: He's constantly positioned as the clown of the party. But his cloying desperation for approval turns downright nefarious when he turns on the party to become Cordelia's new Emperor.
- The Chew Toy: Nothing goes right for Smellulus, hated and mocked by almost everyone who encounters him.
- Desperately Craves Affection: He obsesses over people who insult him, particularly when said person adored the rest of the cast.
- Face–Heel Turn: Successfully tricks the Emperor into making Smellulus his heir, magically putting Smellulus at the top of everything in Cordelia.
- Hair-Trigger Temper: For being so pathetic, he's notably quick to lash out when people taunt him, which tends to make things worse for him.
- I Just Want to Have Friends: His house alone is a monument to his sheer loneliness, from office party gifts he treasures to unfinished paintings that are supposed to depict him painting a friend he doesn't have.
- Lonely at the Top: He truly believes being Emperor will mean people will want to be his friend, ignoring how he alienated the party in the process.
- Sanity Slippage: Devolves into incoherent ramblings as he gains power, exposing his true instability.
- Shadow Archetype: Acts as one to Tim Platt's other character. Both Stirfry and Smellulus are desperate for the approval of others and display a potential for violence and malice when they gain power over others. Unlike Stirfry, Smellulus is willing to hurt his friends to gain that power.
- Walking Spoiler: One of the main party, but his actions in the second half of "Come At The King" put him in an entirely new light.
- Would Hurt a Child: He turns on Torrin quickly once she rejects his offer of becoming his daughter.
A minotaur, lawyer and powerful warrior. He has a bull’s head and horns and tends to wear an outdated suit. He speaks with a wavering Southern drawl, but will revert into feral bull noises when he’s enraged. He's motivated primarily by the promise of unimaginable wealth, and not much else.
- The Alcoholic: Insists on drinking before every case he thinks he'll lose, which is all of them.
- Amoral Attorney: Happily defends the worst murderers and criminals of society, looking only to be paid above all else.
- Only in It for the Money: He gets angry when characters try to ask more details about the reason they should kill the emperor, out of risk of losing his ill-gotten gains. This is partly an act. He ultimately reveals that what its what he wants to do with the money that matters: mainly, fund his goal of dismantling the empire.
- Simple Country Lawyer: A blatantly obvious example of the trope, to the point of almost parodying the page image.
An assembled psionic, meaning that he is a brass automaton with glowing purple eyes and telepathic powers. He is one of many magical automotons built by the Assembleaux corporation, purchased by the Peacekeepers of Payola when he was left on sale. He is apparently an outdated model, leading to his cheap price despite his unique powers and personality. Grimothee is very self-aware, is uncomfortable with being seen as an object, and seeks to find his best friend on his journey.
- Morality Chain: Acts as the conscience of the party, particularly since no one will take Smellulus seriously. He also acted as one to his former owner, Freddery Steel. Which is probably why Freddery's parents arranged for Grimothee to be disposed of.
A tiny, bedraggled, chaotic harpy who revels in violence and bloodshed.
- Ax-Crazy: Introduced in the middle of confessing to hallowing out a horse.
- Comically Small Bribe: Her reward for the assassination of the Emperor is shiny cufflinks and cufflinks alone.
- Token Evil Teammate: While Butter is at least dedicated to the mission despite his immoral acts, Deli is openly psychotic and evil and only interested in violence and mayhem.
A scrappy-haired 12-year-old high elf. Torrin is one of many homeless children and orphans. She is recruited to the party for her magical prowess, but she refuses the vast wealth Snake Professional offers her in exchange for him opening a benefit for orphans and homeless people instead. Torrin feels neglected by Payola and the empire, and is glad to try to instigate some change.
- Children Raise You: Her suspicion that this is what would result from being adopted by Smellulus hardly seems far off. His Face–Heel Turn certainly doesn't help.
- Only Sane Man: She realizes, to her growing horror, that the eight year old is the one who has to keep all the completely incompetent adults in line.
