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Quotes: Atop the Fourth Wall
"What plan?! She planned for Air Force One to be brought down? She planned to get knocked unconscious by Batman? She planned for the Bana to purportedly to be the real enemy only they're not, thus making their entire sub-plot utterly, totally, completely worthless??!"
Linkara's commentary on Circe's "master plan" in Amazons Attack.

"Let this be a lesson, kids—when debating, solve your disagreements not with words, but by screaming 'I AM A MAN!', and punching them in the guts."
Linkara in his Superman At Earth's End review, unknowingly introducing what would become one of his catchphrases.

"Suspension Of Disbelief doesn't throw away all logic. It just allows me to believe that there are people that can run really fast or aliens that can shapeshift living among humans."
Linkara

"Is there no honor among ninjas and ninja-style dancers?! Such a feud could likely result in an alliance between pirates and ninja-style dancers! I’m sorry, but I frankly think the phrase “Ninja-style Dancers” is up there among greatest comic book lines in all of history."
Linkara on Nightcat's "ninja-style dancers"

"And so he upgrades his rig into a technologically advanced super-rig with radars and weapons and the like. But the most patently ridiculous part of this is the remote control he has for his truck that's inside of a silver dollar. And next he'll teach us how to put a TV remote inside of a quarter! Or how about a gun inside of a nickel!?"
Linkara, "Top 15 WTF Moments in Bad Comics": #6: US-1's silver dollar remote control

"I'm looking for plot holes. I'm looking for bizarre character motivations. I'm looking for terrible art. I'm looking for the bland, the bizarre, the lazy, the insipid, the surreal! If a character starts humping another character, I'll be there! If a man is powered by cocaine, I'll be there! If a basketball player challenges a giant lizard to a fight, I'll be there! Bring 'em all on!"
Linkara in his introduction to Atop the Fourth Wall

Narrator: Previously on Atop the Fourth Wall...
Linkara: So let's dig into Daredevil #305. (...) Harvey Finevoice, I want that information and I want it now!
Finevoice: Yap, yap, yap, that's all your type ever do. Here. Take it (handing a note), with my blessing.
Linkara: (reading) Angry Joe is walking right into a trap!
Angry Joe: It's Linkara. He's in big trouble. Assemble the army! He's gonna need all the help he can get.
Linkara: Oh my god! TV Tropes used one of my quotes!
Benzaie: This can't be right... it says I'm not French. They say I'm African-American.
Linkara: Get this, MarzGurl, this time I'm breaking up with you!
MarzGurl: Huh. Whatever, I got passion panties, bitch!
Linkara: Tell me Rorschach, is Benzaie truly made of French toast?
Rorschach: No.
Linkara: There's a conspiracy behind all this. Could Dr. Insano be doing all this?
Insano: Nurse!? If you've taken the last Red Bull, I will have you DESTROYED!
Linkara: Look, I know what Joe is up against. I need his help!
Angry Joe: Angry Joe Army, we've gathered here today to help a dear friend: Linkara! No-one can stop our combined forces! Prepare yourselves! ...Oh my god! What the hell... is that?
Linkara: It's Neutro!
Angry Joe: Attack!
The Nostalgia Chick: Alright, so you've found my secret identity. (Ties her hair) That's right. I'm the Nostalgia Chick!
Narrator: And now, the conclusion.
"Daredevil #306" review

Harvey Finevoice: (bored) Okay, previously on Atop the Fourth Wall...
Nostalgia Critic: My god, it was you all along.
Chester A Bum: Yes, I hijackeded all the nuclear weapons of the world. And now, I have them at my disposal.
Nostalgia Critic: But why? Why did you do it?
Chester A. Bum: Oh... I'm just a bum. A bum who wants to take over the world. (laughs maniacally)
Nostalgia Critic: (interrupting) Y'know, that's not an everyday occurrence.
Chester A. Bum: (stops laughing) ...what?
Linkara: Damn you, Phantasm, we just had a 'previously on' segment a few weeks ago! Why are we doing another one?
Nostalgia Critic: Well, you say, you know, "just a bum who wants to take over the world"? Y'know, it's not, like, hey, that's just a paperboy, there's a ton of those. No no no. That's very, very rare.
Chester A. Bum: What do you mean?
Nostalgia Critic: Like, hey! I'm a psychotic transvestite who likes to rub my feet in butter, y'know? Just one of those?
Chester A. Bum: (talking over the Critic) You know I don't think that, totally uncommon, that's kind of the idea actually, that it was, irony? You know, I don't exactly know if you know what that is, but, straightforward to you...?
Nostalgia Critic: (talking over Chester) ...Like a million of those walking down the street. Hey, another transvestite who kills people that likes to rub feet in butter, hey hey, that one's name is Bob.
Chester A. Bum: Oh shut up and look at this!
Dr. Insano: He's coming for you, Linkara! He's coming for you! (laughs maniacally, then falls over)
Nostalgia Critic: What's that?
Chester A. Bum: This is the remote control that will let me blow up any missile in the world!
Nostalgia Critic: You're mad!
Chester A. Bum: Am I? Am I?
[beat]
Nostalgia Critic: Yes! Very mad.
Harvey Finevoice: I've been sitting here for hours. Why the hell hasn't anyone given me my paycheck? I got dames to smooch!
Film Brain: Equilibrium is brilliant and Wimmer is God!
Linkara: My god! Film Brian, they've gotten to you!
Film Brain: Hey, it's Film Brain! (Evil Laugh)
Chester A. Bum: Perhaps it is you who are mad?
Nostalgia Critic: Nnno, no, it's definitely you.
Chester A. Bum: You know what, you're just rude.
Nostalgia Critic: (talking over Chester) It's like, (gesturing) here's the sane people and here's you. You're over here and the sane people are over here? [incoherent]
Chester A. Bum: I mean, you're obnoxious! I just can't believe how annoying you are. And you're talking and talking and talking. And maybe you can do something nice contribute something to society...?
Linkara: You're not taking over my show, Continuity Alarm. You just stay back. Stay back!
Lee: The future... it's horrible, Linkara. Everybody went to see the Youngblood movie, and, and, we all got... the diseeeaaaase!
Chester A. Bum: What do you think of Hollywood?
Nostalgia Critic: Hollywood? Well, that's where all the great movies are made.
Chester A. Bum: Well, how would you feel if it just...disappeared?
[Hollywood explodes]
Nostalgia Critic: Noooooo!
Chester A. Bum: (cackles) And tell me, what you think about...Rome?
Nostalgia Critic: Rome? It's the birthplace of culture!
Chester A. Bum: Not anymore!
[The Colosseum explodes, Nostalgia Critic screams and cries]
Chester A. Bum: And tell me, what do you think of France?
Nostalgia Critic: ...it's okay.
Chester A. Bum: Gone!
[The Eiffel Tower explodes; the Nostalgia Critic screams in even more pain]
Harvey Finevoice: And now, the conclusion. ...I play all the Las Vegas rooms and this is the thanks I get for it.
Caption: And yet all of that still made more sense than Countdown
Countdown review Part 2

"Gee, it's almost as if the villainous, psychotic, manipulative, crazy-green-scientist-man who calls himself 'The Jackal' was lying or something. Who would've guessed?"
Linkara's commentary on Maximum Clonage when the Jackal orders Spidercide to kill Kane to Kane's surprise.

Linkara: You know, what is it about Ancient Egyptian artifacts that they always seem to have magic powers? Think about it: Black Adam got his powers from another mystical scarab, all the mummies that pop up because of necklaces and jewels... Oh, and let's not forget about the artifact that makes you want to play card games for the rest of your life. And to get through all this crap, you have to pass insurmountable odds in Indiana Jones-esque fashion, and more than one person would die along the way. It seems to me that Ancient Egypt was a freaking death trap! Screw archaeology! Ever think there was a reason this crap was buried?!
Disclaimer: Warning! The views of Linkara may not reflect the views of the producers of Atop the Fourth Wall... which is actually Linkara, so make of that what you will.
Blue Beetle Tribute

So begins them [Triplicate Girl and Karate Kid] traveling around trying to find a cure for his [Karate Kid's] disease. Wait a second, I just realized something. These two are running around looking for a cure. Bob [the Monitor]'s group is running around looking for Ray Palmer. Jimmy [Olsen] and Forager are running around looking for the New God killer. Trickster and Piper are running around looking for a way out of their handcuffs. They should have just called this series Running Around Looking for Crap!
Linkara, Countdown review Part 1

I'm not some pretty boy with marital problems. I don't have some confused psyche or unresolved parental issues. You're not dealing with a Silent Hill protagonist here! Time and again, someone got it into their head that they could defeat me. Time and again they beat me down, they knocked me out, and they tried to make me give up. You come at me with insecurity, self-doubt, and angst? You try to make me doubt who I am? I am the man who defeated Pyramid Head. I am the man who conquered Countdown. I am the man who fought off the Vohrsoth and destroyed Mechakara! I am the liberator of Kickassia! I am a Starfleet captain! I am a Power Ranger! I'm That Guy With The Hat! I am Linkara!
Linkara, Silent Hill Dead/Alive Issue 5

I can't begin to imagine how anyone followed all this stuff at the time. It'd be like if I introduced plot elements in my show that somehow ended up on Spoony's show and... uh... nevermind.
Linkara, Spiderman: Greatest Responsibility

I won't rest until even the shark is bored with me!
Linkara on his Twitter

(after explaining Santa Claus Conquers the Martians) And yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus Conquers the Martians comic!
Linkara in his final Christmas review of 2010

There are two kinds of magic in the world: Magic as a force that can grant the wondrous... and then there's narrative magic. The kind where we get the classic phrase:"It's magic we don't have to explain it".
Linkara in his review of Superman: Distant Fires.

This is Linkara, Calling Lord Vyce. If you are receiving this signal, then you may wanna take that huge-ass helmet off you head and listen for a minute. Listen, I just wanted to tell you how deeply honored I am. You see, I was once told you were the stuff of nightmares for gods and monsters alike. And that's why I'm so honored, you see, you've seen fit to show me your true colors-and the main one is a big bright shade of yellow, All that you see, you conquer, huh? Well, I guess you never did really set your eyes on me then, you were too busy looking the other way and running for your life. And it's a good thing, too- you've shown just how inadequate you are. You're not up to the task of facing this "Entity" you're so afraid of. Tell you what- why don't you go tuck your cape between your legs and run home, While I deal with it- after all, it's what you're good at. However, if you want to prove me wrong, you know where to find me.
Linkara taunting Vyce, Youngblood #3

Yes, people, I have heard of Sonichu. I really wish I hadn't heard of Sonichu. I would be a much happier man if I hadn't.
Linkara on Sonichu

I'm sorry, I didn't realize there wasn't a difference between "I do not care for this and it looks weird, but I heard a lot of people like it" and "This is the worst thing ever".
Linkara, explaining what he said about The Maxx in response to a He Panned It, Now He Sucks backlash.

"Beneath the seas, beside the flame
Off the coast where the lost beast came
To bring the world misery and shame
A piece of the world is missing"

"The path you should have never crossed
The beast exacts a heavy cost
The number of the beast is lost
You will know it by its hissing"

"The bones from hell you cannot tame
Devour your life and all your fame
That is the price to play its game
And all while you're reminiscing"
— The poem of Entity

"'A piece of the world is missing'. It doesn't mean that it's gone... It's your NAME!!!
Linkara, in his show's biggest Wham Line to date.

Linkara (voiceover): There is a sound in my nightmares. It is a hiss, a screeching of notes that comes from a game that I played as a child. It is shrill and high-pitched, grating on your soul like nails upon a chalkboard. This was not the sound of any natural creature. This is an abomination; a perversion of the programmed perfection of the world. In other times and other places and in my book, they called it 'The Lost Beast'; but to me, it shall always have a different name...
Linkara: Missing№.
—Recap Reveal

I am the Voiceless.
I am the Never-Should.
The Beautiful Horror.
I am Glitch.
I am all things terrible and wonderful and all things in-between.
I. Am. Missing.
—The Entity/Missing№

Linkara walks into the living room and faces Missing№.
Missing№: Welcome back, hyuuumaaaan. Is this the part where you fight me?
Linkara: No, no. There's really nothing for me to do. I could shoot you with increasingly larger guns, but it wouldn't work. I could pull some exciting new morpher out of my pants and hope it would give me the power to defeat you, but we both know that wouldn't work either.
Missing№: No, it would not.
Linkara: There is no way to fight you.
Missing№: I am an Outer God, hyuuumaaaan. You are tiny.
Linkara: And there you have it! I could never hope to beat you; it's impossible. The only choice I have is to surrender, because there is simply. Nothing. Else. I can do.
Missing№: Then welcome to my glory, hyuuumaaaan...
Linkara: Uhh, before I become one with your glory and everything, there i—there is just one thing... a question.
Missing№: You may speak...
Linkara: After I'm... consumed by you, what're you going to do next?
Missing№: I will spread throughout this universe until it and I are the same—till it and I are the same. From there, I shall do as I have done before: I shall travel from universe to universe and they shall become extensions of my being, simultaneously piece and whole. Every star, every cosmos, every dimension, all things living and dead shall become meee... No empty space, no limit, nothing existing except for me. Existence shall become solely defined by me because I am existence!
Missing№: What?
Linkara: I was just curious. What're you going to do after you finish your goal?
Missing№:(confused) I... will exist. Everything will be me and—.
Linkara: Yes, yes, yes, we know that part, but what are you going to do? You will exist, neato! What're you going to do to pass the time? You will have absorbed -everything-, and I do mean everything. You will not just be the only being in the universe, you will be the universe! So... whaddaya gonna do -as- the universe? Will you create things? Well I suppose you wouldn't 'cause creating something would mean it would be different from you, and you'd just -reabsorb- it back in anyways, so... again, I ask: what are you going to do once you've completed your goal?
Missing№: Existence is... existence is... important part...
Linkara: Yes, but why do you want that goal?
Missing№: Ev...erything should... and must... be me... everything should and must be me.
Linkara: And when everything is you, what are you going to do next!? What is your purpose when your purpose has been fulfilled?! What will be your meaning when you have made the ultimate achievement?! Is 'existing' just an end in itself? Well that can't be it, because you're already existing, and are therefore fulfilling that part of it!

(Visual Effects of Awesome ensue as he walks around Missing№/90's Kid)

Linkara: "So go ahead and create your kingdom of the Never-Should! Let the Glitch be everything, the distortion the reality! Become everything there is down to the tiniest particle until you are literally existence itself! In the end, you'll still have the same damn problem: that's there is no challenge left- No Heaven to aspire to, no Hell to avoid. You will live forever, alone as everything, and existence itself shall be your prison! All experiences will be a part of you; all possibilities will have been considered and completed. Every life-form, every molecule, every single Should and Never-Should and it will all. Have been. Done. Everything will be you, and everything will be meaningless. And when you do become existence — when the definition of existence equals Missing№ — you will scream your shrill hiss and let it vibrate along the totality of your being, When the lie of your existence is lain bare, because there is simply. Nothing. Else. For you. To DO!!
Missing№: You are... confusing me... You are attempting a deception!
Linkara: Me? Deceive an Outer God? I sincerely doubt that.
Missing№: You-you... I must continue! You-you... shall become a-
Both: A part of me/you!
Linkara: Yeah, yeah, yeah except it doesn't matter! In the end, you'll still be there; alone in the darkness of mere being- forever! What it all boils down to is that you are no more significant than a single pixel on a screen-
Missing№: SILENCE! (Linkara is thrown to the floor by a glitch blast)
Missing№: (begins pacing the room) Reason, no— Cannot exile, cannot reconcile— Existence is purpose, but purpose is undefined- Existence is purpose, but purpose is undefined- Existence is-i-is-is-i-i-is purpose, b-b-bu-bu-b-bu-but undefined... -Purpose, purpose itself not solution... - If-if-if-if to be all that is cannot solve...! - Then examine what cannot be known through existence- then examine what cannot be known through existence then examine what cannot be known through existence— Soooooolution to equation... non-existent..?
Linkara: You're an Outer God, yes?
Missing№: Correct.
Linkara: You are beyond good and evil; a being more complex and grand and terrible than anything that has existed or ever will exist...
Missing№: Ye-yes-es-yeess...
Linkara: Then... I submit a question to you, Outer God. A possibility to explore.
Missing№: DECLARE IT.
Linkara: What happens to an Outer God... when it dies?
Missing№: *Slasher Smile* Iiiiii will fiiiiiind ooooouuuut...

Narrator: Previously On 'Atop the Forth Wall'...
Masterthecreator: [holding a teacup] "Greetings. I am Master the Creator, title card artist for 'Atop the Forth Wall'. I've assembled you all here so we can stop the menace known as... Andrew Dickman! If we do not stop Andrew Dickman, he will take over the title-card duties of every Channel Awesome producer, putting us all out of work; and then... take over the world!"
Andrew Dickman: [Childish Giggling]
Masterthecreator: [With a new teacup] "You, other-title-card-artists, are our only hope! Kitsune twenty twenty-two, who does Obscurus Lupa's title cards..."
Kitsune2022: I warned you all about Andrew Dickman, but nooo, nobody believes me! [sigh] He's already got her 'Manic Episodes' cards; soon he'll have the whole show."
Masterthecreator: [Yet another teacup] "Ven Gethenian, title card artist for Brows Held High!"
Ven: "Oh god... why did I try to watch Trash Humpers alone?"
Masterthecreator: [still yet another teacup] "-and Krin, title-card artist for Todd in the Shadows..."
Krin: "You guys know Todd doesn't really have a face right?! The art is entirely accurate! That boy... is a monster!
Masterthecreator: [voiceover] "Philbunny, Iron Liz's title-card artist!"
Philbunny: [As a rabbit puppet of himself] "Uh, actually, I think you want the guy who's right next to me, but I'm a lot better-looking, so I'm gonna go ahead and represent him."
Masterthecreator: [Still hasn't run out of new teacups] "Marobot, title-card artist for The Nostalgia Critic!
Marobot: [on the phone] "For the last time, no Linkara, I don't have time to make a new section of Comicron 1 for you... no, I frankly don't care if you don't have a different-looking hallway for your storyline..."
Masterthecreator: "-and finally, Vincent E.L.!"
Vincent: [with a gun to his own head] "What? Me?! Wow... Things are finally coming up Vincent!" [Leaps up, starts singing] "After all these years, and all this hard work, I've finally-" [Needle Scratch] "Wait; I'm not a title card artist, I made the Atop the Forth Wall theme song."
Masterthecreator: "Oh? Oh well, then we don't care about you." [gestures dismissively]
Vincent: "Wait, I-" [cut off]
Masterthecreator: "Now then, let's get to the first order of business, shall we?"
Andrew Dickman: "Ah, if it isn't my predecessors... how nice of you to all gather at once."
Kitsune2022: "We meet again, Art-Skank!"
Krin: "You're not gonna get away with this, Dickman! We will fight you... with art! Art-art-art! Art!
Andrew Dickman: You're already too late; I've signed to do Spoony's title cards! Nothing can stop me! [Evil Laugh, dissolves into wheezing and hacking coughs] "Oh god..."
Philbunny: Wait, how'd did he get Spoony's-"
[Dr. Insano appears, carrying Son of Insano]
Philbunny: [gasp] Doctor Holocaust!
Insano: "Yes, it is I, Dr. Hol- Wait what? No!"
Philbunny: "Oh, uh... sorry, uh- Doctor Horrible!"
Insano: I-ju-yo... I'm not either of those, you fool!
Philbunny: [half-hearted] Doctor Steel ?
Insano: Really? Do I sound like I can sing as good as him?
Ven: Doctor Sleepless!
Insano: Okay, I guess we'll go with that one, but Yes! As soon as my mind-slave Andrew Dickman takes over the scribbles of all your internet series, I shall rule the world! [Maniacal Laughter]
Marobot: What? No, no I don't want to talk to Snowflame... No-no don't put on Sn- [sigh] Hello Snowflame... yes, I know you like cocaine... who doesn't?"
Narrator: And now, the conclusion...
— Mr. T #2 Review

Allow me to share a revelation I've had. For all of his bluster about "With great power comes great responsibility," Peter Parker is one of the most irresponsible superheroes ever. He never learns from his mistakes. Never takes into consideration how his life as Spider-Man affects everybody else.

Now some would say that's the core concept of the character: the constant struggle between the mask and the man. But he never actually gives any consideration to the man, preferring to make excuses about it. He disappoints people around him all the time because "something more important" was happening as Spider-Man." But instead of trying to find ways to balance his two lives properly, he will go out of his way to make excuses and just be sad that being Spider-Man hurt his personal life. If he places more importance on being Spider-Man, then he should distance himself from relationships that would hurt that. If he places more emphasis on being Peter Parker, he needs to sacrifice his time as Spider-Man.

Now, that's not always going to be the case for everyone in the real world. But Peter never actually changes as a result of his actions. He just makes the same mistakes over and over.

During a storyline called "The Other", when Peter was dying from an untraceable condition (this was also written by [ the author of "One More Day"], by the way), he admits that he doesn't even have life insurance. Peter has never made a plan about what would happen to his family if he were killed by a supervillain. He's never thought about the repercussions of his life if he should be maimed or killed while wearing the costume, to his wife or to his constantly dying aunt!

In a recent issue of "Avengers Academy", a group of teenage superheroes thought of several ways that he could have capitalized on being Spider-Man without revealing his identity to anyone. Now, admittedly, he was just a young, dumb teenager when he started out and didn't think of those things. But Peter is and has been an adult for decades now! Forget about whether you like Spidey being married or not. The character himself still seems to operate like he's in high school - never growing up, never seems to recognize adult relationships, and never actually taking responsibility for his life and the choices he's made. This is one of the reasons I decided to finally review "One More Day". The deal with Mephisto is symptomatic of a bigger problem for the character and the people who write him: the unwillingness for the character to become an adult. He's supposed to be roughly twenty-five years old at the time of this story, maybe closer to thirty. And yet he repeatedly approaches his problems like a sixteen year old would, and is never actually prepared to act like a mature adult.

I've made several jokes in the last two hundred episodes about how Peter Parker's life is an endless spiral of shame and misery, what with his friends and loved ones dying all around him or becoming supervillains because of his life as Spider-Man, and I mean it. The truth is that if Peter Parker ever cared about taking responsibility for his actions, he would have given up being Spider-Man a long time ago.

But hey, maybe that's just the reasoning of a jaded individual looking at this stupid-ass comic in hindsight. Of course I don't want Peter Parker to stop being Spider-Man. What I want is for him to be written like a goddamn adult already! But the writers - and Marvel editorial - seem to steadfastly refuse to let that happen. Spider-Man is just escapist fantasy to them. The reason why they don't think there's "drama" in marriage is because marriage is an aspect of real life, and they don't want the escapism of Peter Parker swinging through the air and stopping bad guys being infected with the drama of things that people have to endure in the real world.

And that's just hilarious since Spider-Man is supposed to be the character who DOES face the real life challenges of the world! That was what made his character so appealing to begin with: his ability to relate to the reader. But the truth is that the reader has grown up. The reader got married, had kids, has relatives that die, and they have to move on. The reader changed. But Peter Parker has not.

You know, recently, there was a rumor that Marvel was doing its own reboot to compete with the one DC did last year. They're not, of course, they're just releasing whole bunch of new Number Ones. But you know what? Maybe they should reboot Spider-Man. After all, if the creative teams are unwilling to let him get out of his high school life, then why the hell isn't he still there?
One More Day Review Part 1

Linkara: This freaking comic just said that the reason people play video games and enjoy escapist fiction is because they're losers who want something more with their lives! I don't know if it was Joe Quesada or JMS who wrote this, but considering JMS' body of work concerning speculative fiction and the fact that issues 3 and 4 of One More Day were heavily rewritten, I think it's fair to assume that Joe Quesada wrote this, in which case, I have something to say...YOU INSULTING, PATRONIZING DICKHEAD! How DARE you! How DARE you insult video game creators and players! How DARE you criticize people for enjoying escapist fiction when FRIGGING SUPERHERO COMICS ARE ESCAPIST FICTION!
One More Day Review Part 2

Linkara: What's that? You want me to make jokes about how useless Aquaman is? Ha ha ha! *deep breath* Aquaman is the king of Atlantis, whose domain pretty much encompasses the entirety of the oceans. He own seventy percent of the planet. He is super-strong, super-fast, and he can summon Cthulhu to eat your soul if he felt like it. The perception of Aquaman as useless, is based on the Superfriends cartoon series, where Aquaman's superpower is that he owns a jet-ski. I don't make fun of Aquaman.
Brave and the Bold #54

Stood Atop the Fourth Wall
Mocking for y'all
Comics appalling
Feet strong,
Still standing tall
Not gonna fall
Gonna follow his calling
Some say, he is a man
Just a comic book fan
But nobody's certain
A champion
Magic gun in his hand
Fighting since it began
Until after the Curtain
Our magnificent comic defender is here
with a name that makes publishers tremble in fear
Linkara! Atop The Fourth Wall
He knows what to do when the world is in flux
Also, he's read your book and he thinks that it sucks
Linkara! Atop the Fourth Wall
From a parallel world,
Stepped Doctor Linksano.
They say it's not science,
But hey, what do they know?
He's not really a threat
For a genius, he hasn't accomplished much yet
...Unlike some unwelcome gifts
That also have managed to slip through the rifts
But Lord Vyce, is a thing of the past
And it seems Mechakara's been finally trashed...
...Right?
When evil, growing like cancer
Got Boffo the Clown, and the Ninja-Style Dancer,
Linkara, stepped up to the plate
Grabbed onto the fate
Of the world and defeated the hate
Inside 90's kid
Doing again what he always did the best...
... For that's what he does,
All the while burning bad comics because...
Our magnificent comic defender is here
with a name that makes publishers tremble in fear
Linkara! Atop The Fourth Wall
He knows what to do when the world is in flux
Also, he's read your book and he thinks that it sucks
Linkara! Atop the Fourth Wall
When Destrucity strikes,
He stands in the way,
With Harvey Finevoice, Pollo, and Nimue.
As both allies and enemies come and go,
A changed status quo never disrupts the show.
With shallowness blatant on every page,
Expect in return Adamantium Rage.
All issues addressed,
But his job is not done,
There's no day of rest
Aboard Comicron-1.
Our magnificent comic defender is here
with a name that makes publishers tremble in fear
Linkara! Atop The Fourth Wall
He knows what to do when the world is in flux
Also, he's read your book and he thinks that it sucks
Linkara! Atop the Fourth Wall
Linkara! Atop the Fourth Wall!
—>Vincent E.L.: The Ballad of Linkara, from the 200th episode and 300th episode.

A certain young man, it was noted
Went about in the heat thickly coated
He said "You may scoff, but I shan't take it off.
"For underneath I am horribly bloated."

Boner. Boner boner. Boner boning a boner.
beat
Boner-boner.
beat
Erect penis.
Linkara: Top 15 Comics I'll Never Review

Linkara: Even you wrote about his refusal to have guns back in The Dark Knight Strikes Again! Next thing you know the bat-cave is gonna have some massive ridiculous chaingun and [cut to Bearded Idiot with his massive chaingun] Oh, goddammit!

Linkara: I think by now, you should know how I feel about Youngblood. In case you don't, it sucks! You can yell until you're blue in the face about how the concept of a proactive superhero team that has merchandising and appears on talk shows and are celebrities and crap is such a wonderful idea, and it's just the execution that fails, but in the end, it doesn't change that Youngblood sucks! You can tell me about the runs from Alan Moore or the revived series from 2011, and that's great if they really are good, but it just keeps bringing me back to the question of why the hell anyone would want to do anything with this series when there is so much frigid' baggage with it!! Look, my rant against the X-Men in my Next 15 Screw-Ups was half joking. I don't hate the X-Men and there are plenty of bad stories out there that have nothing to do with them, and there are great runs on the X-Men books. But Youngblood is a team that does not deserve all the hard work of creators! It's a bunch of unmemorable ripoff characters, growling and gritting teeth, and saying really stupid things, and squinting and doing over-exaggerated poses and all that crap! Let Youngblood die, already! Just let it die! Rob Liefeld does not deserve the amount of loyalty that he somehow has engendered!

What's that? Rob Liefeld is really enthusiastic about the industry and is really an awesome guy if you know him in person, and loves comics and everything about the medium? Yeah, well, I'm really enthusiastic about the medium, but no one says that I should be drawing comic books!!

Rob Liefeld can't write! Rob Liefeld can't draw! Rob Liefeld can't create! And don't go telling me about how he created Deadpool and Cable! One—he didn't create Deadpool! He created some boring-ass mercenary who spoke in yellow-colored speech bubbles! Nobody would give a damn about him if not for the work of everybody else but him! And as for Cable, most of my knowledge of the character comes from the animated series, but even if Cable really is all that awesome and iconic a character, well, congratulations. You have found one, all of one character that Rob Liefeld created that's actually good, except a good creator is capable of making more than just one good character! Liefeld, on the other hand, settles on inventing 60,000 characters, and none of them are good!

But to cite that Deadpool example again, is he really the one who created him if everything about the character that people like that was done by others? You show me a Rob Liefeld character that people like, and I'll show you the other creators who are responsible for you liking him.

The point is, companies, stop giving him work! Consumers, stop buying things with his name on it! And my fans, stop telling me about movies that are supposedly being made with his characters! Ooh, a Godyssey movie! I'm sure I'll see that NEVER, because not a single movie that Rob Liefeld's characters have been developed for has actually ever been made! And don't bring up "Not Deadpool" in the Wolverine movie! I should not have to explain that again - Deadpool's not really his character, that wasn't really Deadpool, and he wasn't the main character of the damn movie!!

Pretenders sit upon my throne note 
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Continue to wait for my ascent note 
The mysterious message from the future

Linkara, Top 15 Worst Heroes Becoming Villains

You know, I sometimes get asked why Camelot of all films is my favorite movie. And the reason is because it actually changed my life, or at least focused my beliefs into something that was a good solid foundation for a personal philosophy. Those who have power should use it to do good, that violence is not strength, compassion is not weakness, that revenge is utterly pointless. Superheroes are basically the equivalent of modern day knights errant, they go out and help people and fight injustices. But a lot of the best superhero comics are the ones not actually about superheroes hitting supervillains or each other, anything like that. It's the ones that show that superheroes are about kindness and decency and something far more noble than the adolescent power fantasies that people often critique them as. I think I hate this comic more than any other I've ever reviewed, because it is the complete antithesis of everything I believe in. Holy Terror says that you should be unkind, it says you shouldn't trust people, it says compassion will be repaid with violence, and that violence can only be answered with more violence, and that violence is strength. That hurting others is not only enjoyable and desirable, but that it should be employed first when dealing with threats. It says that if you have power, you should lord that power over others and do harm to them. It says that revenge is a worthy cause. It treats women as either victims or enemies, and don't assume Natalie Stack is immune to this criticism, trust me, the book ain't over yet. It tells us we should fear the other, the foreigner, the dark-skinned, the religion that's not your own. And you know what the damndest thing of all is? I am honest to god afraid of terrorism. Terrorism is real. There are people out there who want to kill me either because I'm from a different country or just because they're some angry misanthrope with a gun. That applies to both foreign and domestic terrorists. Terrorism is about making someone so afraid that they'll do what you tell them to. And the grand message of Frank Miller's Holy Terror is: Be afraid. Be terrified. And let's give in to that fear. And embrace every dark, sick and inhuman part of our souls as a result, and do everything to them that they will do to us. Frank... you must be so proud.
Linkara on why he hates Frank Miller's Holy Terror

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