Funny / Wynonna Earp

Season 1

1x01 Purgatory

• When Waverly and Wynonna are lying on the ground trying to get Peacemaker to work while a Revenant advances on them, a bullet hits him.
  Waverly: What - you brought backup?!
  Wynonna: [shrugs] ...Yeah!
• The sisters agreeing that Dolls has a "great butt".
• Wynonna is interrogating Champ while pinning him down to a bed. Waverly, not aware that it's her sister and assuming Champ's cheating on her, bursts into the room and fires at her with a shotgun and demanding she "slip into something more comfortable - like a coma!"
  Wynonna: [weakly] Worst. Birthday. Ever.

1x02 Keep The Home Fires Burning

• How Wynonna gets everyone's attention at the bar: "Crazy chick with a gun!"
• The entirety of Officer Nicole Haught's introductory scene, from Waverly's convenient loss of her shirt, to how flustered she is compared to her normal composure, to Nicole's gentle mockery of Waverly describing Champ as a "boy-man". Concluded with Waverly reading Haught's surname off of her business card and just saying "Of course."
• This:
  Wynonna: [Revenants] will always come back for more, until they meet Peacemaker, which only I can handle - [promptly fumbles and drops the gun]
• Dolls threatens Haught with a charge for treason if she enters the Black Badge office without knocking again. Wynonna points out that Haught did knock, and sarcastically asks if he's sure he doesn't want to threaten her with death. Dolls' response? That the penalty for treason is death.
• Waverly named her hamster "Pikachu". And she blesses herself before digging next to its grave.
• Both Earp sisters think of the possibility of getting a flamethrower.

1x03 Leavin' On Your Mind

• Wynonna wants all Revenants to tremble in fear before her.
  Dolls: You've got powdered sugar on your nose.
• Dolls, who "doesn't do romance", is the only one around to notice the growing Unresolved Sexual Tension between Waverly and Haught.
  Haught: [Waverly] said she was glad I called.
  Dolls: ...I bet.
• Champ through the entire hostage situation. At one point he tries to have Wynonna cause a distraction by flashing the Revenants.

1x04 The Blade

• The increasingly ludicrous ways Doc shoots when proving his identity to Wynonna, including shooting behind his back and with his gun upside-down.
• Gus refusing service to Doc.
  Gus: Management reserves the right to refuse service to jackasses. I'm management. And you're the jackass.
• During Doc's interrogation, Dolls starts laughing.
  Waverly: Is Deputy Marshal Dolls... laughing?
  Wynonna: I've never been so scared in my life.
• When Wynonna becomes the latest target of the Serial Killer, she has to earn the forgiveness of everybody she has ever wronged, or get a Slashed Throat. After her first attempt ends with two guys just fighting each other, she finally lets Waverly in on the situation, before taking off to try again at getting people's forgiveness, giving us these two lines:
  Waverly: But everybody hates you, Wynonna!
  Wynonna: [pokes her head back around the door] I'm aware!
• Doc expresses regret that he didn't apologize to Wyatt.
  Wynonna: You told me last time you saw him, it was all good.
  Doc: I do not recall what lie I told you. I was probably drunk.
  Wynonna: It was 8 a.m.
  Doc: I was definitely drunk.

1x05 Diggin' Up Bones

• Wynonna loses the ability to speak properly when she sees Dolls in his Shirtless Scene.
  Wynonna: I brought you a shirt, put on your coffee. (Beat) You know what I mean.
• Wynonna and Doc discussing breaking into the police station.
  Wynonna: You want me to break into the place where I work?! (Beat) Actually, I'm surprised it took this long.
  Doc: We're gonna need some dynamite, go in over the north wall -
  Wynonna: We won't need dynamite. I've got something better.
  Doc: What is better than dynamite?
  Wynonna: Boobs.
  Doc: (pauses, then inclines his head)
• And immediately after, Wynonna tries to Show Some Leg to a couple of bulky engineers, they turn around and reveal themselves to be middle-aged women. She still gives it a half-hearted try, but accepts defeat. One cut later, Doc is doing the exact same thing, and gets a much more positive reaction.

1x06 Constant Cravings

• Wynonna attempts to use The Force to get Peacemaker.
• The over-the-top reaction Wynonna has to the motorcycle her uncle left her, with her shoving Waverly to the ground for absolutely no reason when she first sees the bike.
• After the ritual that makes her the Keeper of the Bones, Waverly's first concern is that she may have just married a skull.

1x07 Waking After Midnight

• Haught and Wynonna share several scenes, and Wynonna ends up sharing her whisky with the younger officer and getting her just a bit tipsy. Tipsy enough for this priceless exchange:
  Wynonna: One time, Stephanie told me that I should think about getting a butt lift.
  Haught: What?! Your ass is like... It's top-shelf, man. It's top-shelf.
  Wynonna: Thanks.
• Doc thinks Waverly's phone is angry at him.
• When they go to the morgue, Wynonna casually puts her bottle of whiskey on the table where a victim's body is. Haught shoots her a hilarious 'what the hell, dude' look before pulling the bottle out of her hand and setting it somewhere offscreen.
• When one of Waverly's party guests is freaking out over the attack on the homestead, Waverly starts out her angry counter speech with this:
  Waverly: Okay, yes, it's all true! Wynonna's a freak, I'm a freak, Doc's a freak-
  Doc: Hey, now.
• Haught gets another one at the very end of the episode by wording a fact from an interrogation in the weirdest way possible:
  Haught: (about Waverly) Chrissy says she scissored a stripper.
  • And, before that:
  Wynonna: What do you mean, you killed a stripper?

1x08 Two-Faced Jack

• Nedley gives Dolls and Doc access to the injured Haught on two conditions: they give her a break if the doctors say so, and they make sure whoever did it doesn't come back. And Doc has to move his horse.
• The scene itself is a rough one, but Haught's interview tosses in a quick funny moment early on. She's almost definitely high on morphine, and it makes her slip enough that Waverly smiling at her is, at first, the last thing she remembers seeing before being knocked out. She quickly and awkwardly remembers more about what happened. Dolls, who has witnessed about half of the Ship Tease between Haught and Waverly so far, gives her a very quick, subtle "Now's not the time" look.
• Doc is told about Prohibition, and states that he's almost happy he was trapped in a well for a century and missed that period.
  • Later, his attempts to start Dolls' car, only succeeding in turning on the window wipers. Afterwards, Dolls gets in and just stares at the wipers for a moment before telling him to never touch his stuff.
  • Doc and Dolls eventually pull weapons on each other over Dolls intending to give Doc over to Black Badge. Doc warns that he was the fastest draw that ever lived, so Dolls asks about Billy the Kid. Doc says that he should shoot him right then and there for that comment.

1x09 Bury Me With My Guns On

• The One Dialogue, Two Conversations between Waverly and Nicole, where Nicole's trying to get Waverly to admit that there's something wrong with Purgatory and Waverly thinks she's talking about their Ship Tease.
• Wynonna's fight with the Stone Witch. Instead of using rock salt, she throws ordinary table salt at her. Even Clootie can't help but roll her eyes.
• Nicole's complete bafflement when Waverly grabs her and promptly starts making out with her.
  Haught: What happened to friends?
  Waverly: You know what I've always wanted?
  Haught: (weakly) ...What...?
• Bobo whips out a flamethrower, of all things.

1x10 She Wouldn't Be Gone

• Waverly and Nicole almost get caught making out in the doorway of the sheriff's office by Wynonna. When Wynonna asks what they were doing in Nedley's office, they just babble incoherently for a moment. And Wynonna buys it.
• Wynonna's relationship with Doc gets outed by Bobo, so she goes ahead and admits it to both Waverly and Haught:
  Haught: And that's news? Really?
  (Waverly is staring at Wynonna, stunned.)
  Haught: (turns to Waverly) To you... to you- okay. (flees)
  • Note: She flees to her desk. In the corner of the same room, where she can be seen sitting in the background while Wynonna and Waverly continue talking.
• "I hope that was clean," said after Wynonna smacks a woman in the head with a bedpan.
• "I thought you were just happy to see me," also said by Wynonna, after Dolls hands her Peacemaker.
• Doc tries driving Constance's car, and ends up getting pulled over by Haught (who had been with Waverly when the call about him came in). He initially tries to talk himself out of trouble by pointing out that she knows who he is, and when he realizes that Waverly's walking over to yell at him, he begs Haught to arrest him. Haught just heaves a tired sigh, hands him a ticket, and abandons him to whatever Waverly has in store for him.
• The reason Doc has the car is because Wynonna gave it to him as a "take my enemy's horse" situation. Wynonna suggests that he paint it something other than pink, and Doc says that pink is a strong, masculine color.

1x11 Landslide

• After Willa runs out of their house, Wynonna and Waverly decide to look for her at the bar, because as an Earp her most likely response will be to get completely drunk.
  Wynonna: I hate it when I'm right.
  Waverley: You love it when you're right.
  Wynonna: (stealing a glass of beer off a tray) I mean sober. I hate it when I'm sober.
• Doc's reaction to Juan Carlo pulling a Stealth Hi/Bye on him:
  Doc: I need to start drinking less... or much more.

1x12 House of Memories

• When Wynonna and Dolls find out that the whole town was invited to Bobo's party, it takes a while for her to process:
  Wynonna: The whole town.
  Dolls: Yeah, everybody.
  Wynonna: All of the town.
  Dolls: Even you, yeah.
• Waverly apologizes to Willa for calling her a bitch. In her head.
• When Nicole decks Champ, she glances up at Waverly as if checking to make sure she hadn't done something wrong. Waverly just looks turned on.
  • Then later, when Nicole tells Waverly to leave since it's her job as a police officer to protect and serve when the town residents start going crazy, Waverly looks even more turned on.

1x13 I Walk The Line

• The way Nicole is finally brought into the loop:
  Dolls: Hey... this is classified.
  Doc: (rolls his eyes) Purgatory's overrun by demon Revenants aka Wyatt Earp's resurrected outlaws, Bobo del Rey's their leader, I am Doc Holliday —yes, that Doc Holliday — and Dolls here is just a dick.
  Nicole: Finally! Thank you! It actually makes perfect sense.
  (Dolls glares at her)
  Nicole Except for the... last... part.
• Wynonna's response after finding out about Waverly and Nicole in a scene where Nicole gets shot, but she was wearing a bulletproof vest:
  Finally picked the smart one.
• A short time later, when Waverly and Nicole start kissing right there on the floor, Wynonna gets up and gives them a moment... and then about three seconds later tosses a jacket at their faces and tells them to hurry up. Nicole's laugh is everything. According to Melanie Scrofano, Wynonna hitting Nicole in the face with the jacket was a complete accident.

Season 2

2x1 Steel Bars and Stone Walls

• Doc getting his hat eaten. He continues to mourn its loss all episode, even involuntarily trying to tip it in greeting.
  Doc: I feel naked without it.
• The cover story Nedley came up with to explain the mass poisoning from the previous episode, which almost seems designed to cause Wynonna maximum embarrassment.
  Pam: You're saying Wynonna Earp was Robert 'Bobo' Swain's jilted lover - and he poisoned the entire town?
  Nedley: To get her attention. See, Wynonna's not a flowers and chocolate kind of a girl.
  Pam: D'you anticipate charging Earp as an accessory after the fact?
  Nedley: We're weighing the evidence, considering our options. Thanks, Pam.
• Wynonna calling Nedley a monster for the implication that he liked Batman & Robin.
• Wynonna and Eliza have a knock-down-drag-out fight, the latter in just bra and panties. They end up falling on a bed, Wynonna on top with guns pulled on each other. When Eliza reveals she is friends with Dolls, all Wynonna can say is...
  Wynonna: You have amazing taste in underwear.
• Eliza is less than impressed when Wynonna tells her she is the Earp heir and the best choice for taking out Purgatory's demon problem:
  Eliza: I took you out with a lamp, so...
  Wynonna: Yes, and the lamp was awesome. (Sarcastic Clapping)
• Waverly's plan for sneaking into Black Badge? Cut the head off a demon and show up with it, posing as a Scotland Yard inspector in glasses, blouse, mini-skirt and a posh British accent
  • Even funnier is Nicole saying "that's the worst British accent I've ever heard" when it's actually Dominique Provost-Chalkley's real voice.
• Waverly's utter failure at Tap on the Head.

2X2 Shed Your Skin

• Wynonna and Doc sharing a shower... which turns out to be in a Black Badge lab cleaning off the goop from a demon.
• Lucado reads Wynonna's report of the incident.
  Lucado: And I quote, "whatever gooed us stunk of living anus and was hairier than a pre-waxed Nedley."
  Wynonna: What, that's super accurate.
• Wynonna, clad in just bathrobe and towel on her head, comes to the kitchen to find lab tech Jeremy there. She screams and grabs an umbrella, aiming it at him like a gun.
  Wynonna: One of these days...You'll be in the shower...And I'll be right there, waiting...
  Jeremy: I have an inverted nipple.
• Wynonna is less upset about Jeremy bringing the demonic spider into her house and more that it's by her snacks.
• Jeremy geeking out over the idea of Doc showing up.

2x3 Gonna Getcha Good

• Nicole clearly unable to hold back her arousal seeing Waverly doing a cheerleader routine complete with outfit.
  • Waverly does another cheer with a high kick just as Wynonna enters.
  Waverly: Time for one more cheer
  Come on boys, from here to there!
  Wynonna: (in time with cheer) Girl, put on some underwear!
  • After Nicole beats a hasty retreat, Wynonna asks if she and Waverly should institute a warning system to avoid further instances:
    Wynonna: So, now that I know your whole situation, should we institute a "knickers on the doorknob" policy? Since you aren't wearing any?
• Wynonna calls prom "that thing people do when they're not institutionalized at 14."
• Double Entendre about Wynonna's "big-ass" gun:
  Waverly: You polished the shaft hard enough.
  Wynonna: You so rarely hear that.
• Wynonna getting hung up on "B-Train" being one of her old classmates nicknames.
• "Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh shit".
• Wynonna chases after an old classmate who she thinks may be the guy killing his old teammates, and when she tells Waverly this is hre response:
  Waverly: Oh my God, you're gonna ask him to marry you!
• Doc once again calling Wynonna a prostitute after she described herself as being professional.
• Wynonna's determined walk out of a gym with the trophy after knocking out the captain of the hockey team. She just looks so happy.
• Haught really doesn't like the police uniforms.
  Sheriff: Okay, fine, help out with the whacky shit sometimes.
  Haught: And the khakis?
  Sheriff: It's a classic trouser. [Beat] Fine. Fine. Just be a good cop.

2X4 She Aint' Right

• Lucado enters.
  Lucado: I have something.
  Wynonna: There's a cream for that.
• Wynonna's initial excitement at thinking that Jeremy is pyrokinetic when her coat spontaneously bursts into flames.
• Waverly annoyed to realize Wynonna doesn't remember when her birthday is.
• The attempts to call for help with Waverly using her heel to dial the phone while tied up.
  Waverly: Siri, call Doc Holliday.
  Siri: Calling. Holiday Inn.
  Waverly: What? No damnit.
  Wynonna: Oh, stupid bitch.
• Jeremy is taken hostage by the bad guy while getting coffee.
  Wynonna: Ugh, Friar Cuck.
  (The villain threatens to kill Jeremy.)
  Wynonna: He's the new guy. Last one in, first one out.
  Jeremy: What?!
  Wynonna: Jeremy, loosen up.
  Jeremy: I'm about to poop my pants.
  Wynonna: Not that loose.
• Wynonna's reaction to Dolls walking in to toast the guy with fire breath.
  Wynonna: Way cool with a side of habanero.

2X5 Let's Pretend We're Strangers

• The first time we see the Order, they ceremonially behead a possessed man, and then ominously declare they will hunt down and kill all other demons... then the leader casually asks the others if they want nachos.
• Doc shows Jeremy an old plate:
  Jeremy: Purgatory Fair, 1952. Was it a good year?
  Doc: I was at the bottom of a well.
  Jeremy: Hardocre.
  (Jeremy licks the plate.)
  Jeremy: Odd.
  Doc: You sure are.
• Dolls finds Waverly and pulls a gun on her.
  Dolls: Give me one good reason not to kill you right here.
  Waverly: For starters, I'm tied to a chair. Again.
  Dolls: I know what you are. Demon.
  Waverly: Oh, you're an hour late and an Earp short.
• Dolls and Lucado smash through a window in the Earp home and Waverly groans "guys, we just replaced that!"
• Demon!Wynonna saying that no refills on pancakes at a restaurant is bullshit.
• Earlier in the episode, Demon!Wynonna ripped into Nicole with several vicious things about her relationship with Waverly. At the end, once the demon has been killed, Nicole points this out. Wynonna tells her that it was the demon talking, and she can't believe all of it.
  Nicole: ...What do you mean all of it?
  • One of the accusations Demon!Wynonna made? That Waverly fakes it during sex.

2X6 Whiskey Lullaby

• A nun enters the office, hands covered in blood:
  Nun: My boss was killed.
  Wynonna: God really is dead.
• Wynonna's reaction to waking up to find she's been asleep for a month and her belly is now huge.
  Wynonna: I'm gonna need a bigger coat.
  • Waverly's reaction: "This was so not on WebMD."
• Waverly goes to wake up Doc.. .who's in a compromising position in bed.
  Waverly: Well, somebody's been doing yoga.
• Waverly takes shots on Doc's partner.
  Waverly: She's too young for you!
  Doc: I'm older than the state of Colorado, everyone's too young for me.
• Dolls trying to warn Wynonna to take it easy in her condition.
  Dolls: Don't come in hot.
  Wynonna: Have you met me? (Beat) I'm ALWAYS hot.
• Waverly and Nicole had just had sex when the sleep spell hit town. Meaning that Dolls finds Nicole in the bathroom completely naked. Her deadpan "don't look at me" is what sells it.
  • When she falls asleep and is woken up again, she comes to with "please tell me my clothes are on this time."
• After seeing one of the Widows walking out of a building:
  Nicole: Why don't any of the creepy bad guys ever just wear jeans?
• Discussing Wynonna's pregnancy. Wynonna was a few weeks pregnant when the Sandman demon put her and the rest of Purgatory to sleep for a month. According to him, she should have stayed that way, but for whatever reason, her baby kept developing while she was out, leaving her very visibly pregnant:
  Wynonna: So what you're saying is, I got screwed?
  Sandman: That much is obvious.

2X7 Everyone Knows

• Jeremy being way too excited about being on a stakeout.
• Out for drinks at a bar, Nicole learns that it's one where Wynonna used to strip under the name "Aphrodite". Her reaction is to down both their drinks.
  Wynonna: Pace yourself, there's a lot more to judge.
  • Drunk Nicole in general.
• Jeremy screws up a ritual, magically binding him, Dolls, and Doc together. They spend the rest of the episode dragging each other around.
• Doc tries to punch out Reeves, but since Reeves is a ghost, Doc's fist passes through Reeves.
  Reeves: Nothing on this earthly world can—
  (Dolls punches Reeves successfully)
  Doc: How did you—?!
  Dolls: I don't know.
• Wynonna groans when a Revenant runs away.
  Wynonna: Come on, I have cankles!
• The reason that it took so long for Waverly to find Wynonna and Nicole is that Purgatory has at least four strip clubs.
  Waverly: You are drunk! And in trouble, OK? Both of you! I hit three other strip clubs! Three! Do you know how much strawberry-scented glitter I have on me? Huh?
  • It's practically impossible to get glittered just by stepping into a strip club, seeing if you can see the people you're looking for, and then leaving. So what was Waverly doing in those strip clubs?
• Dolls finally figures out that he's talking to the Bass Reeves...and goes total fanboy on him

2X8: No Future In The Past

• Wynonna attempting to tell Dolls over the phone she's at a church.
  Wynonna We're at a...crossroads...we've reached a communion...(JC takes the phone away) Jesus Christ's country house! ...Not my best work.
• When Wynonna thinks that the Vision Quest instructions Juan Carlo gave her has failed:
  Wynonna: Thanks a lot, JC. (to statue of Jesus) Not you.
• This bit from Wynonna's view of the past, when the Widows are being sealed away:
  Widow: Traitor!
  Constance: Bitch.
  Juan Carlo: Father Juan Carlo. Now that introductions are out of the way... (punches one of the Widows)
  • Wynonna's reaction to this, given Juan Carlo's earlier statement of not being able to interfere in things:
  Wynonna: (gleeful) Not to get technical, but that looked like interference.

Episode 9 - Forever Mine Nevermind

• Wynonna and Waverly are training with Waverly holding fighting sticks. Wynonna manages to do a leap to dodge it and then slaps her belly as a "high-five."
  Wynonna: With great belly comes great responsibility.
• Dolls gives Rosita a card to a place called "Forever Eternity."
  Rosita: I know you guys think the Apocalypse is nigh but a gift card to a funeral home?
• The team check out a body that appears to have been boiled and roasted alive, Nicole seeing his ID.
  Nicole: He was allergic to penicillin?
  Waverly: Yeah, I'm 99 percent sure that's not what killed him.
• Wynonna angry at Doc "protecting" her.
  Wynonna: Just because I'm a big cheeseburger with another cheeseburger in my belly and I'm kinda hungry right now...
• Doc and Wynonna jarred when a little girl in a doll mask pops up out of nowhere.
  Wynonna: Sorry. We already have a Dolls.

Episode 10 - I See a Darkness

• Waverly smashing a stick into Mercedes' face.
  Waverly: No one here knows where the third seal is, Mercedes, but we are available for nose jobs.
• Wynonna forced to go to Nedley for help.
  Wynonna: I wouldn't ask unless it was important. I'm talking Biblical, end of the world, Deep Impact, Armageddon (1998), season 19 of America's Next Top Model combined.
• Pretty much every single line said by Nedley while Widow!Mercedes has him, including discussing his role on the local curling team, asking if Mercedes is talking about a Pokemon, and telling her that Purgatory doesn't have seals (the animal) when she asks about the magical seal.
  Nedley: You think this is my first demon rodeo? (beat) You know we've had an actual demon rodeo?

Episode 11 - Gone As a Girl Can Get

• Waverly, Nicole and Jeremy hide out from a mob in a barn.
  Jeremy: Oh, no, I cannot die! I have only had sex one and a half times!
• The hysterical Cliffhanger Copout to Doc stuck back in the well...and it turns out there's a ladder right behind him.
• When the Widows break free, Doc grabs a pistol to blast at them to no effect.
  Doc: Just once, can I get some bullets that work?!
• Even in this alternate reality, Jeremy can't help but be a total fanboy, even wearing Doc's hat.
• Doc and Dolls shoot at each other in the bar.
  Doc: You're a good man, Dolls! ...With semi-reptilian tendencies...
• After shooting Dolls, Doc comes to check up on him and Dolls shoots him.
  Doc: I do hate it when we argue.
• As the mob closes in, Waverly gets a call from Perry.
  Waverly: Ah, yeah, raspberry sounds great. Sorry, I can't talk, I'm in a barn ready to explode. Also, I think I'm gay, call you later?
• When Waverly and Nicole talk in Nicole's car, still mindwiped, Nicole offers to break the rules and give Waverly what she needs to find the Iron Witch.
  Waverly: You'd do that for me?
  Nicole: I'd do a lot of things to you.
  Waverly: ... For me?
  Nicole: Yeah, that too.
• At the end of the episode, Bobo destroys the final seal, allowing Sheriff Clootie to resurrect.
  Widow Beth: Oh, I feel him. He's coming!
  Widow Mercedes: God, it's like your wedding night all over again.

Episode 12 - I Hope You Dance

• Waverly comes across Bobo with the Widows and threatens them with a shotgun.
  Waverly: I mean it, you... shit strumpets! (To Bobo) And you! That is a woman's coat.
  Bobo: Ouch.
• Wynonna and Bobo reunite.
  Wynonna: Robert Svane.
  Bobo: Gestating bitch.
• Wynonna says that with Sheriff Clootie resurrecting, they need a plan, and informs that she's in labor by saying "This sucker's coming out my vagina", much to Jeremy's discomfort. Wynonna says it again several times just to make a point. And then she heads off to pee again.
• Wynonna is worried Doc is dead.
  Jeremy: Hey, he's not. I'd feel it in my groin.
  Wynonna: I feel like just for that, I get to say "vagina" again.
• Wynonna and Waverly take the plate to the Iron Witch, who is in a very helpful mood given that Wynonna is threatening her with Peacemaker. The good news is that the plate is made of the same metal as Peacemaker, and has traces of the metal which keeps the Revenants off the homestead. The bad news is that there was only enough to make one bullet.
  Waverly: I guess it was a side plate.
  • Wynonna declares that it's good enough to kill the Clootie demon, then dramatically empties Peacemaker, loads the bullet into the revolver, stares down the barrel...and realizes she has to pee again.
• The Widow Mercedes faces Wynonna in the town street.
  Widow Mercedes: Time to face your destiny.
  Wynonna: That better not be a nickname for your beav, because I'm not in the mood.
• Doc tells Wynonna how far along she is.
  Doc: Contractions are 12 minutes apart. You're dilating.
  Wynonna: You read the books?
  Doc: The Wikipedia.
  Jeremy: [nods in approval]
• With Wynonna in labor, Doc asks what he's supposed to do in the 21st century, since in the 19th-century men would usually sit outside and smoke while the women helped the mother. Rosita comes in and tells him not to smoke since he's going to be a father.
  Wynonna: Great, the whole gang is here about to see my destiny! Should we Skype in Nedley?!
• Wynonna screaming out for "whiskey, all the whiskey! And Rum!" She also wonders why she's lying on the pool table when "they are multiple couches around."
• Doc's baffled reaction to Jeremy referring to Waverly and Nicole as "WayHaught".
• When Wynonna declared that everyone needs to stop dying, she very pointedly looks directly at Nicole- who at this point in the series has died or almost died four times.

Season 3

Episode 1 - Blood Red and Going Down

• Waverly and Nicole having a nonchalant talk of the sniper rifle Waverly is aiming on a rooftop.
  Nicole: You don't even like the Draganov. You said it lacks grace.
  Waverly: I don't need "grace". I need steely Soviet precision.
  • When Waverly fires the rifle, she and Nicole get close with Wynonna yelling "PDA!"
• The gang do a big Team Power Walk down the alley...and Wynonna trips on the sign of the stripper club.
• Wynonna is shocked to learn that Dolls has been helping Nicole investigate the Cult of Bulshaar behind her back.
  Wynonna: Dolls? As in, Marshal Xavier Pamela Dolls?
  Nicole: Pretty sure his middle name's not Pamela.
  Wynonna: Do you know what it is?
• Waverly's reaction to how she and Nicole have fallen under the spell of vampire Petra?
  Waverly: Best. Crime scene. Ever!
• Jeremy with headphones on dancing in the basement. He then denies it was One Direction before admitting it was.
• Jeremy falls under the vampires' spell.
  Jeremy: I have to ask....thoughts on Twilight?
• Finding herself in the barn of "sexy fog," Wynonna moans over and over "please be a surprise Rihanna concert, please be a surprise Rihanna concert..."
• Wynonna bursts in to talk to the gang only to find Waverly and Nicole in exotic lingerie and robes and Jeremy in a goofy 1970s style outfit.
  Wynonna: No one told me Taco Tuesday was now a formal affair.
• Dolls rescues Wynonna from a coffin.
  Wynonna: That was more cramped than the canoe I lost my virginity in.
  • She also hopes it was Waverly who dressed in her a black outfit while she was out "but the gloves scream Jeremy."
• Dolls brings her up to speed.
  Dolls: It's like with one touch, they can control people, turn them into vampire-loving groupies.
  Wynonna: I spent a month touring with Nine Inch Nails, I get it.
• Wynonna's Pre-Asskicking One-Liner when Otto explains that the "new" families of Purgatory will be eaten by the vampires.
  Wynonna: I'll tell you what you can eat: a dick.
  Otto: I beg your pardon?!
  Wynonna: You heard what I said! Don't make me say it again. Please?
  • This latter gets a Call-Back when Wynonna and company have killed every vampire but Otto.
    Wynonna: Should have stayed in Sweden, ABBA.
    Otto: I am from Hungary.
    Wynonna: Hungry for a—
    Doc: Wynonna, please.
• Amid the big fight, Wynonna grabs Jeremy.
  Wynonna: Speaking of your godawful mustache, where's Doc?

Episode 2 - When You Call My Name

• Wynonna sums up her life.
  Wynonna: Whiskey from dad, crazy from mom. The Wynonna Earp story, on sale now.
• Upon hearing about Wynonna and Waverley's car accident and running off to help Nicole find them, Doc tells Jeremy to call Dolls because they might need his help. He then doubles back and tells Jeremy not to tell Dolls that he said that part.
• Doc and Nicole on trying to track down Wynonna and Waverley in the woods, when Nicole is worried they might be heading in different directions:
  Doc: Do you trust Wynonna's instincts?
  Nicole: I helped her kill the revenant she slept with.
  Doc: [reluctantly nods]
• When she finds Waverley and finds out that the revenant of the week has magically stolen her voice, Wynonna refers to it as "Little Mermaid shit".
  • Waverley having to charade a warning about the revenant's boobytraps to Wynonna.
• Wynonna confronts the revenant.
  Revenant: This land is my land.
  Wynonna: Please don't start singing.

Episode 3 - Colder Weather

• When discussing funeral plans, Nicole mentions how she wants a sky funeral (putting her body on a pedestal for animals to eat), the funeral director compliments her for it being "ecologically conscientious".
  • Which then gets a Call-Back at the end of the episode, as Wynonna and Waverly discuss their future funeral wishes.
    Wynonna: Fine, Nicole can be buried with us.
    Waverly: Nicole wants to be eaten by vultures and then pooped out again!
    Wynonna: [clearly confused] Hardcore.
• Doc telling Wynonna about all the various ways people would honor the dead back in his day, including leaving a bottle of whiskey on the grave... which he would then steal, because he didn't want to waste it.
• Quinn complimenting Doc on his "very committed mustache".
  • Later, the two getting pissed-faced drunk while Quinn is secured to the bar by Christmas lights.
  • Doc talks about them in a "Mexican stand-off" and Quinn replies "that's not very P.C. these days."
• For a bit of Black Comedy, there's this exchange when Wynonna finds Nedley holding vigil over Dolls' body:
  Wynonna: You could have gotten Lonnie to do this.
  Nedley: Lonnie got eaten by vampires.
• Doc reveals to Waverly the nature of his relationship with Kate.
  Doc: She's my wife.
  Beat
  Waverly: Does anyone around here not have a secret wife?!
• Waverly argues with Kate.
  Waverly: So you slept with Doc. Who hasn't? Well...not me.
  • When Waverly says "Who hasn't?", Kate gives Doc a shocked look that says "What does she mean by that?!"
• Waverly, angry that Kate stole something from Dolls, tries to flip the table, but it's too heavy, so she settles for throwing everything off the table, then gives an angry roar. Which, as with all things Waverly, sounds more "adorable" than "intimidating".

Episode 4 - No Cure For Crazy

• A revenant is fleeing from Wynonna and Doc, when a tree suddenly moves across the road, causing him to slam right into it.
• Wynonna's confusion when the Gun won't work.
  Wynonna: Come on, baby, don't embarrass me in front of the bad man.
  Revenant: It's a sign! Take the day off, lady!
  Wynonna: I only call in sick during Shark Week!
• Wynonna playfully imitating Doc's voice when explaining how she ran out of ammo.
  Wynonna: Now you do me.
  Doc: Maybe when we're alone. (winks)
• Doc's claim that he did a "seaweed scrub."
• Waverly telling her friend Robin, a park ranger, to fill out some paperwork at the police office to get help with the supernatural events he saw in the woods. Leading to this when Nedley looks it over:
  Nedley: This just says "Woods. Help."
• Waverly pulls out some old cell phones for the team to use.
  Wynonna: Good, charge them up and delete all your old texts from Champ.
  Nicole: Especially the photos.
• In a Leaning on the Fourth Wall moment, Nicole interrupts Wynonna and Doc kissing and notes "I'm walking in on you for a change."
• Nicole was ordered to bring Wynonna to meet the new city manager.
  Nicole: To which, I replied I'd rather watch an all-male version of Pitch Perfect. Twice.
• Jeremy complaining that the only Tinder profile match he got was his own.
  • Also, referring to Waverly and Nicole's Meet Cute as a "fairytale porno".
  • Waverly's over the top attempts to play matchmaker for Jeremy and Robin.

Episode 5 - Jolene

• Doc talks of just meeting a "very pushy woman demanding a drink." When Wynonna confirms it's her mom, Doc states "I already guessed the family lineage."
• Michelle gets an update on her daughters' relationship statuses.
  Doc: I'm...ah...
  Michelle: An undead relic from the Old West. Sure. Why not?
  Waverly: He's Wynonna's...ah...
  Michelle: Boyfriend?
  Wynonna: Oh, no!
  Doc: Well, I wouldn't want to presume...
  Wynonna: Hey, Waverly's schuppting a cop!
  Wavely: Her name's Nicole.
  Michelle: ...Whoa. I'm gonna talk about... her... later. If we live...
• Jolene tries to make Doc think Wynonna doesn't need him.
  Jolene: Does she really need a bartender with half a lung and a probable mood disorder dragging her down?
  Doc: Well, that is somewhat reductive...
• Michelle lassoos the Revenant.
  Michelle: First in barrel racing but the second act was roping!
• Wynonna holds the Colt on the Revenant, whose tongue was cut out by Jolene.
  Wynonna: Make your peace. By mime, if necessary.
• Michelle gives Doc a drink she calls "the Don't Have a Stealth Wife When You're Doing My Daughter."

Episode 6 - If We Make It Through December

• Wynonna donning a holiday-themed hoodie.
  Wynonna: If only it were socially acceptable to wear this all year round.
• Michelle grossing out her daughters by personally hunting a wild turkey for Christmas dinner, which she starts dismembering on the kitchen counter.
  Waverly: I'm a vegan.
  Michelle: You're already a lesbian.
• Nichole's annoyance at having to dress up as an elf for the local Christmas tree sale show.
  Waverly: I feel like I should knight you with a candy cane.
• Bulshar Clootie, the Shadow-Lord, the former demon-sheriff of Purgatory, and the most feared individual in the Ghost River Triangle...is willing to dress up for the holidays by wearing a red suit and hat.
• Wynonna is less than thrilled to have her mother give her dating advice.
  Michelle: My yams need to be mashed. And by the look of it, so do you.
• Hearing Waverly and Nicole going at it, Wynonna pulls on some Christmas-themed earmuffs.
• Jeremy complaining about his less than active love life, compared to the "Black Friday line up at Best Buy's" worth of women Doc has lining up for him.
  Doc: Jeremy, I am trying, but these references...
• Wynonna bringing Jeremy a blood sample she needs him to analyze.
  Jeremy: Sure, I'll just get my blood splatter analyst, my behavioral specialist and Helen Mirren to help out.
  • Wynonna's response is even better:
  Wynonna: We don't talk about Helen Mirren in that tone of voice.
• Jeremy is inappropriately overjoyed to find out that he's not being ghosted, Robin was kidnapped. Topped by Doc giving a warm smile and clapping him on the shoulder as if congratulating him on this.
• Doc presses Wynonna to be careful with Kate given how she was turned into a vampire since their marriage. Rolling her eyes, Kate makes it clear to Doc she was a vampire before they met.
  Wynonna: Queen of the Damned, meet King of the Dense.
  • Kate then reveals that she told Doc she was a vampire numerous times back in the day.
  Kate: "Doc, I'm a vampire" "Doc, I drink blood" "Doc, let me bite you!"
  Doc: I thought that was role-play!
  Wynonna: Gag reflex growing.
  Kate: [sighs] You don't remember.
  Doc: Do you not remember how much opium we used to smoke?
• People keep commenting on Jeremy having shaved his mustache. To the point Wynonna toasts it at Christmas dinner.
• During the raid on Bulshar's lair, Wynonna gets a little carried away with the one-liners she tosses at his Mooks, to newcomer Charlie's confusion.
  Charlie: Who are you talking to?
  Wynonna: Not sure.

Episode 7 - I Fall To Pieces

• Wynonna and Charlie are getting hot and heavy in a fire truck... just as Nicole and Waverly drop by the station to talk to the firefighters. And Wynonna exiting to find everyone staring at her.
  Waverly: You need a ride?
  Wynonna: I had a ride. I need a nap. And... a ride.
• Wynonna finds a bunch of drunk frat boys in jail.
  Nicole: Who parties bus at 10 a.m.?
  Wynonna: The deeply committed.
  • Gilligan Cut to Jeremy being woken up singing the same song as the drunks.
• Nicole has a cat named Calamity Jane.
• The You Have GOT to Be Kidding Me! laughs Nicole and Wynonna give at the idea of Wynonna being named sheriff.
• When she sees the gnome-themed Revenant at the window, Bunny screams out "ISIS!"
• Wynonna declaring "Purgatory is the Thunder Dome and I am Tina Frigging Turner!" Nicole has no idea what she's talking about.
• The two find Bunny passed out.
  Wynonna: I know a dozen places to hide the body.
  Nicole: She's still alive.
  Wynonna: Fine, I'll save them for next time.
  Nicole: Get her purse!
  Wynonna: Right, cash!
  Nicole: No, medication, Wynonna!
  • Wynonna is tempted by the Oxy in the purse.
• They put Bunny in the police cruiser...which is then hijacked by a couple of the frat boys.
• Jeremy notes the bad luck the two are having.
  Jeremy: Like black fly in your chardonnay.
  Wynonna: Pick it up, Jagged Little Nerd.
• They track Bunny to a biker bar.
  Nicole: Maybe they're friendly bikers hosting The Golden Girls trivia night.
  Wynonna: Well, Rose, we're not in St. Olaf anymore.
• Nicole mocks Wynonna for assuming police cars can be opened from the inside. "Haven't you been arrested like 500 times?"
• Wynonna is about to shoot the door open.
  Nicole: You might hit Bunny.
  Wynonna: I'm willing to take the chance.
• Wynonna soon offers the Revenant in the bar a deal for a drinking contest with her and Nicole's lives on the line.
  Nicole: You could have just offered them cash.
  Wynonna: I didn't work it out all the way to the end until I pitched it.
  Revenant: You must be the stupidest Heir to ever live!
  Wynonna: Definitely in the top five.
• It turns out Wynonna has been spitting her shots back in the bottle. Which she learned from Coyote Ugly which Nicole loves.
• Wynonna pulls a gun and about to fire off a joke.
  Nicole: Stop quipping and run!
• Wynonna and Nicole have to fight while handcuffed together.
  Wynonna: You be Scott
  Nicole: You be Tessa
• The Revenant asks if they have any last words.
  Wynonna: I miss Macaulay Culkin!
  Nicole: Tell Waverly I love her!
  Wynonna: Sure, make me look like an asshole.
• The revenant is stabbed by the Gnome that Bunny saw earlier.
  Gnome: You owe me a wife.
  Nicole: Is this better or worse?
  Wynonna: Worse.
• Jeremy stands before the Gnome Waverly just called Gandalf.
  Jeremy: You shall not pass! ["Gandalf" roars in his face] On second thought, you do you, man.
• The man confronts Wynonna and Nicole.
  Revenant: One of you will be my new wife!
  Wynonna: Not it!
• The two try to pitch the other as a "gnome wife."
  Wynonna: She's really good in bed and I know because my house has very thin walls.
  Nicole: She's smart and funny and super-fertile!
  Wynonna: It was one time!
• Then it turns out the "wife" he was talking about was a statue of one that he takes and walks out.
  Jeremy: That's how my first Grinder date ended. [Beat] I said too much.
• Wynonna talks to Bunny about the demons.
  Bunny: It was a terrible dream. Like the one of me on the ship with all the shirtless Portuguese sailors.
  Wynonna: There's a lot to unpack there.

Episode 8 - Waiting Forever For You

• Wynonna trying to teach Jeremy how to play pool.
  Jeremy: Can you at least pretend that you didn't give birth on this table?
  Wynonna: Not even the grossest thing to happen on this table.
• Wynonna trying to avoid Charlie by hiding under the pool table, until Jeremy cheerfully calls him over.
• Apparently Purgatory's definition of fancy dining is a restaurant that serves breadsticks and uses knives which Wynonna describes as looking like "tiny swords".
• Wynonna kicks in a door and mutters "Oi, I'm getting good at that!" She calls out for Kate who shows up firing a gun herself.
  Wynonna: How come you get a better entrance than me?
  Kate: Been working on it for a century.
• During the first fight with Zombie!Constance, Charlie rips her hand off by accident, and after a moment's pause, smacks her in the head with it.
  • Later, as she's stealing Doc's car and driving off, she holds the severed hand out the window, showing that it's flipping them off.
  • Speaking of her stealing the car, there's Doc's reaction to that:
  Doc: I stole her car, so I suppose it's only fair she steal mine.
• Kate grabs Peacemaker off of Wynonna, who responds by whipping out a knife she took from the restaurant earlier. Kate responds in turn by pulling out a larger knife.
  Wynonna: That's a bigger tiny sword.
• Charlie's reaction to the entire Constance story: "I'm gonna need a chart."
• Under Bulshar's influence, Robin starts ranting about the forest obeying his will... and then licks a potato, which is the part that really freaks Waverly out.
• Waverly finds Nicole on her knees finding Bulshar's ring and naturally thinks she's going to propose. When Nicole says it's Bulshar's ring, Waverly actually finds it odd but still ready to accept.
  • Jeremy, despite knowing that it isn't a proposal, insists that he be Waverly's "Bae of Honor".
• Waverly's reaction to Zombie!Constance suddenly bursting into the barn:
  Waverly: Constance Clootie. Woman, can't I have a dinner party without you busting in on my biscuits?!
• Using Bulshar's ring, Waverly punches Zombie!Constance across the room, complete with Wilhelm Scream.

Episode 9 - Undo It

• The opening scene has the camera moving in while we hear Waverly and Nicole panting for breath and asking for "more lube." It then shows them trying in vain to get the ring off of Waverly's finger.
  Waverly: YouTube's all out of tricks. It's all about mean teens playing tricks on people.
• Nicole wants to enter the barn right after Wynonna and Doc have gone at it.
  Wynonna: Better turn on your Incognito Browser because it is NSFW in here!
  Nicole: Gross. I do not need that seared into my retina.
• Bulshar is impressed Wynonna broke his spell.
  Wynonna: Built up a resistance to hallucinogens when I dated that tree planter.
• Wynonna declares she's as tough as metal.
  Wynonna: The harder you hit, the tougher I get. And shiny. And dense. Holy crap, I did learn something in high school!
• Waverly and Nicole's Genre Savvy reactions when the jeweler they called in to try and remove the ring from Waverly's finger instead starts creepily obsessing over it.
  Nicole: Demon or creepy ring obsession?
  Waverly: Why pick just one?
• The return of Mercedes, bandaged up but as goofy as ever, brushing aside a vampire living in her home ("Squatters gonna squat") and such. Even Waverly has to enjoy having her back.
  • Her reaction to Derek being a demon: "Is every dick trumpet in Purgatory a demon?!" She also yells "everyone stop saying Derek!"
  • After Waverly's ring melts Derek's face-off, Mercedes makes her wear an over mitt to cover it so she doesn't accidentally do the same to a person. She spends the rest of the episode wearing the mitt.
• Wynonna just trying to deal with getting killed over and over.
  Wynonna: This is like a video game, Doc.
  Doc: Oh, good. My forte.
• Wynonna feels the floor on fire.
  Wynonna: Why is my ass hot?!
  Doc: If you're looking for validation, I agree.
• Wynonna sighs on her lack of a plan.
  Wynonna: Doing nothing used to be my MO. I've changed.

Episode 10 - The Other Woman

• Waverly has a hard time figuring out the Garden of Eden is in Purgatory. "We don't even have an Ikea!"
• Wynonna's first reaction to mystery woman Kevin showing up on her porch is to try and smash a bottle on her, leading to Kevin karate chopping her throat. Followed by this exchange:
  Kevin: I'm here to help you save the world.
  Wynonna: [rubbing her throat] Next time, lead with that.
• Waverly's confusion at coming across a strange woman in their house, eating their pickles. Later, as Kevin is explaining things, Waverly is also helping herself to the pickles.
  Waverly: So you're going to go on this quest and I'm supposed to just stay here eating pickles?
  Wynonna: No one told you to eat pickles.
• Fleeing from a radioactive revenant, the Earp girls seek refuge at Mercedes' house, where they're surprised to see her healed face. She, in turn, is only mildly surprised to see the revenant chasing them.
• Waverly realizing that she can use Bulshar's ring to control his severed arm, which is attached to the revenant's shoulder. She proceeds to make him dance around a bit before choking himself out.
• Maeve referring to Doc as "Wyatt Earp's boyfriend", causing him to get flustered and Nicole to shoot him a smug look.
• Jeremy passive-aggressively trying to cut off Doc's phone call to him, not helped by Robin trying to greet Doc.
  Jeremy: Don't say hi to him, he tried to eat you!
  • When Jeremy shows up to help with the possessed Nicole, he tries to brush Doc off, only to instinctively compliment his shirt.
• Nicole, possessed by Maeve, all of it. Highlights being Maeve wondering if Nicole dyes her hair, considering giving Nicole a bob cut, and unbuttoning her shirt to examine the goods (causing Doc and Jeremy to cover each other's eyes).
  • Maeve briefly jumps into Jeremy only to leap back out for someone "more pure." Jeremy just groans "your loss, lady!"
  • Maeve threatens to make Nicole shoot herself in the head if Doc and Jeremy don't get her some other fresh corpse to permanently possess.
  Doc: How are you going to walk around with a hole in your head?
  Jeremy: Yeah, your... sunglasses would slide off.
  Doc gives Jeremy a "seriously?" look.
• Bobo turns out to be a huge jazz fan, asking Robin to hold his earphones up to Bobo's cell so he can listen. Leading to Robin awkwardly sitting next to the cell, holding the earphones in place with one hand and pointing a gun at Bobo with the other.
• The gang reacts to finding out Bulshar was the Snake from the Garden of Eden.
  Nicole: Jesus Christ.
  Robin: Different book.
  • Kevin refers to Julian and Bulshar as "the original haters" and when asked about Eve, scoffs "don't get me started on that girl..."
• Mercedes brushes off the ring belonging to Waverly's dad as "neither of them had good taste."
  • She also asks how, if the ring cured her face "It can work on other body parts because I have this date tonight..."
• Robin is the one who figures out a key astronomical clue to Bulshar's Evil Plan.
  Robin: I minored in astronomy.
  Jeremy: With a major in jazz history? Are you too employable?
• Mercedes' reaction to someone grabbing her from behind?
  Mercedes: Not the face!

Episode 11 - Daddy Lessons

• Wynonna noting that she hasn't seen Purgatory this deserted since "Pussy Willows had a charity car wash and a shorts shortage."
• Charlie complains about Wynonna dumping him.
  Charlie: After I got all that gunk out of your lawnmower.
  Nicole: Ew.
  Wynonna: It's not a euphemism. It's not.
• Wynonna finds herself met by a pack of Revenants. Or as she calls them "the world's worst Sons of Anarchy cosplayers."
• When the captive Wynonna is being made up for Bulshar's party, one of the revenants happily does her hair. Then another comes in with a dress to put Wynonna in.
  Revenant 1: It's creepy how you keep making women wear your dead wife's dress.
• Mercedes is a gold mine at Bulshar's gathering.
  • "Anyone have a phone? We should periscope this!"
  • "This is the most thrilling rose ceremony ever!"
• Robin asking Bobo advice on... crossword puzzle answers.

Episode 12 - War Paint

• When giving her Rousing Speech at the start of the episode, Wynonna mentions Malcolm, the first revenant she ever killed. One of the revenants in the crowd she's talking to casually comments that he was a dick.
  • Wynonna also takes the time to thank the revenant who did her hair in the previous episode.
  • Wynonna closes out her speech by saying that before the Final Battle they're all going to get drunk first, earning a cheer from the revenants.
• Waverly's double take when one of the revenants comes out of the house and casually greets her.
• Wynonna reacts to Charlie actually being Waverly's angel father:
  Wynonna: Oh, hose job, this is gonna kill Mama.
• Kate and Mercedes meet, with the latter demanding rent for the former squatting in her house.
  • This bit when Nicole's fresh wound is addressed:
  Kate: That smells like vanilla-dipped donuts.
  Mercedes: Okay, so is she a vampire?
• Nedley is a fan of... RuPaul's Drag Race.
  Robin: I haven't seen that show.
  Nedley: Get your life in order, son.
• Nedley encourages Jeremy.
  Nedley: Did Lou Bega give up after Mambos 1 through 4 failed? No, he wrote "Mambo Number 5" and the rest is music history.
  • He then notes the "ugly copyright trial." And his words inspired Jeremy to create a mystical concoction in the blender he calls "Mambo No 6!"
• The gang get together.
  Wynonna: I'm just a girl with a big-ass... ass.
  Nicole: Girl.
  Wynonna: You're right. Them boots is tight.
  Nicole: Yep.
  Jeremy: This is good. Usually, there's a lot of vagina jokes.

Season 4

Episode 1: On The Road Again

• Wynonna doing a Lock-and-Load Montage of various weapons, a dramatic turn in slo-mo...
  Nedley: You almost done? I feel like I've been standing here for two years.
• Wynonna approaches the door:
  Wynonna: One small step for MILF... one giant leap for MILF-kind...
  • And then just falls flat on her face in the snow.
  Wynonna: You do not get to vanish, you are architecture!
• Nedley asks if Wynonna has ever been bitten by a rabid mongoose. She seems to seriously muse on the "rabid" part.
• Wynonna takes in the word carved on the wall with "what kind of psychopath doesn't use a pen?" Gilligan Cut to Jeremy carving the word in while muttering "what kind of idiot doesn't own a pen?"
  • Later, she admits that the pen drawer is full of knives.
• The entire conversation over Nedley using tampons for a wound, since "I've been shot six times."
  Nedley: You have a sex toy that can find something no one else can?
  Wynonna: It's called a G-Spot.
• Nedley claims a gunshot wound won't slow him down.
  Nedley: I have survived a career in law enforcement, divorcing a Taurus and a community theater production of The Full Monty that the Purgatory Press called "nobody asked for this."
• Wynonna telling Nedley and Mercedes she doesn't want to drag them along with her:
  Wynonna: I've gotten enough people killed, or cursed, or their faces ripped off.
  Mercedes: Represent!
• When she finds Mercedes in her kitchen, Wynonna grabs her face to make sure it's really her.
• Mercedes wheels off the wounded Nedley, saying they'll find some oxytocin and morphine... and something for him too.
• Wynonna firing herself up.
  Wynonna: Float like a butter-face, swing like a three-some... [crosses herself] Clear eyes, full bra, can't lose.

Episode 2: Friends in Low Places

• "Nicole" freaking out over being naked in front of Doc who assures her he's not looking... while clearly peeking.
  Waverly: How did she look?
  Doc: ...I think you will be pleased!
• Wynonna is told how a gas turned the scientists into zombies.
  Wynonna: It's the 2005 Chilli Cookoff all over again. Minus the edible-laced cornbread and "Hollaback Girl" on repeat.
• Wynonna makes a crack about a "Beaver Blaster."
  Rachel: Is everything a sex joke to you?
  Wynonna: I try to scissor one in whenever I can.
• Nicole moans she always dreamed of dying in Waverly's arms and "in Sara Lance cosplay."
• Eve takes on Jeremy's appearance to screw with Doc, and complains there's "so much useless pop culture knowledge in [his mind]". Interestingly, that is Doc's Rage Breaking Point.
  Doc: [slamming Eve against the door] It's not useless, it shows he has passion!
• Wynonna saves Nicole.
  Wynonna: I never half-ass it. I ass and half it.
  Nicole: Whatever you are... you're my ass.
• The pair try to sway Rachel.
  Nicole: We're two friends who are both in love with the same angel.
  Rachel: You're... polygamists?
• Wynonna's nicknames for Eve looking like her include "Wy-Clone-A" and Orphan Whack.

Episode 3 - Look At Them Beans

• Rachel having just been sitting in the kitchen waiting for Waverly to come down from her sexathon with Nicole.
• A demon compares them showing up to a "bush party."
  Wynonna: Everyone shows up for bush.
• Among the Skewed Priorities of Doc and Waverly of being gone for a year and half is missing so many episodes of Property Brothers.
• Mercedes is posing as a vampire while working at a bar called... the Glory Hole.
• Waverly going through her closet.
  Waverly: How do I, an adult woman, own this many fuzzy garments?
• Nicole hears Rachel howling in the backyard and sighs "It's like this girl has never milked a skunk before."
• Waverly posing as a lawyer.
  Waverly: I am issuing a writ of habeas corpus!
  Wynonna: These dicklepickles are going to have to show us a body!
  Waverly: That is literally what "habeas corpus" means!
  Holt: Are you going to continue this slapfight because I have a backlog.
  Wynonna: Apparently, I haven't pooped in eighteen months. I have a backlog.
  Waverly: Motion to strike that from the record.
• The fact that a "get out of jail free" chili cookoff contest is a thing.
  Waverly: Is...this real life?
• Waverly asks if bringing stuff from home is against the rules.
  Wynonna: The only rule is don't tell the Empress she has no clothes.
  Waverly: Well, she definitely has no panties. What, she jumped on the desk, I couldn't help it.
  Wynonna: Does she wax?
• The horror of Nicole and Wynonna at Waverly thinking they can win with vegan chili.

Episode 4 - Afraid

• Wynonna hears Black Badge is no longer defunct.
  Wynonna: Well, you brought the jam, guess you might as well bring in the de-funct.
• Wynonna hugging (a suddenly very toned) Jeremy and wondering "what happened to your gorgeous little chicken limbs?"
• Jeremy trying to cover for himself and Wynonna by calling her "Wynonna Arp" and somehow making Black Badge believe she's just the "February 2016 Employee of the Month."
• Of course, Waverly has prepped for a discussion on all she's been missing with a Powerpoint presentation and carefully laid-out notebooks.
• Wynonna's realization that the new head of Black Badge's previous job was heading up...the Department of Fisheries.
• Waverly and Nicole are on the floor in nothing but blankets.
  Waverly: How did that happen?
  Nicole: Determination?
  Waverly: And there's a notebook stuck to my butt.
• Rachel walks in on the naked couple, leading to Nicole chewing her out on not respecting privacy until Waverly reminds her they're in the kitchen. Nicole promptly shuts up at the realization they brought this on themselves.
• Wynonna is horrified she's merely the driver of a truck.
  Wynonna: You do not make Cate Blanchett a background extra, you make her Carol!
• Jeremy's increasing distress and regret as he realizes leaving a BFG in the hands of Wynonna Earp was not a very good idea.

Episode 5 - Holy War Part 1

• Examining the fire damage.
  Doc: Luckily, this house was built by strong hands from stubborn wood.
  Wynonna: What I used to call my last boyfriend.
• Wynonna actually wonders if somehow Waverly and Nicole started the fire.
  Wynonna: That's why they make lube!
  Nicole: That's actually not why they make lube.
• Doc urges caution.
  Wynonna: This coming from the guy who works for the biggest Demon Dong Corleone in town.
  Doc: I have never seen Amon's... I definitely don't know the size of...
• Amon calls the Clantons a "scourge." Wynonna asks "Ebenezer or McDuck?"
• Nicole finishes drilling a lock onto the door to keep out "Blah and Order." Naturally, Wynonna bursts right through the door without caring she just broke the lock.
• Wynonna asks "who knew this town had a museum?" A girl snaps "um, everyone?"
  'Wynonna: This should be a sacred space for geeks. Like Comic-Con.
• Wynonna comes up with a complex plan to steal the painting she and Doc were sent to retrieve. Instead, Doc just grabs it off the wall, and then the pair casually walk out of the building.
• Neadley is thrown when Nicole needs booze.
  Jeremy: This can't be fixed by modern medicine.
  Neadley: Have you tried chicken soup and a One Day At A Time marathon?
• Neadley asks if this is the work of "a warlock, an incubus, a Spongebob?

Episode 6 - Holy War Part 2

• Nicole turned into a frog. That is all.
• While astral projecting, Nicole questions the dress she's inexplicably wearing.
• Rosita makes Wynonna do a pinky-swear not to harm her.
  Wynonna: I will not harm a hair on your head.
  Rostia: Or anywhere else on my body! The devil's in the details.
• Nicole communicating via flickering the lights in morse code.
  Jeremy: Astral projection!
  Neadley: Happened to me after my third heart attack. Found my remote on the fridge.
• Wynonna and Rosita's smugness at the demon nun not knowing that Peacemaker can hurt her.

Episode 7: Love's All Over

• The fact Purgatory has a strip club open at noon. On a Sunday.
• Thanks to a weird stripper sequin, various folks in Purgatory see Waverly as the most beautiful person alive. Hilarity Ensues.
  • Nicole high on the love spell to gush over Waverly? Funny. Bunny Ludlow on the same love spell to fall for Waverly? Hilarious.
• In one of the most blatant Leaning on the Fourth Wall moments ever, Nicole suggests "we need a wedding hashtag."
  Nicole: How about WaveNic? Or Heatwave? Oh, Wayhaught! No, that's ridiculous.
• Waverly's baffled reaction to Bunny coming over with roses to proclaim her love.
  Bunny: You know, I have an old copy of Bend It Like Beckham, we can watch it together!
• As soon as Bunny leaves, the back of the pickup truck pops open to show a drunk Wynonna waking up with no shirt and a huge chef's hat on her head.
• Wynonna then falls for Amon while he's in love with Waverly.
  Amon: Doc is usually at the top of my lust chart. I mean, the man is a universal arousal architect.
• Waverly realizes Demetri is the one behind this.
  Waverly: You told me you were a 'love expert' which I thought was some new woke term for strippers.
• Waverly's party has all three showing up.
  Amon: I will be happy to be of service.
  Wynonna: Raise your hand if you need servicing!
• Think it can't get better? Nedley falls for Bunny.
• Bunny's song. Everyone is united in their sheer horror of it...except Nedley who stares as if it's the most beautiful music ever made.
• The revelation the way to break it is...spitballs.
  Demetri: Aim for the butts. Love lives in the butts.
• At first Bunny pulls a Let Us Never Speak of This Again. But then she, Nicole and Nedley all fall into Actually Pretty Funny laughter.

Episode 8 - Hell Raisin' Good Time

• Wynonna waking up nude in a dark room...which turns out to be Amon's bar with his helpers just setting up for a Halloween party.
  Amon: If you were thinking about Doc the whole time, it's okay. Because I know I was.
• Wynonna brushing off people's questions about what she's wearing by calling them "vagina curtains."
• Of all things, Waverly dresses for Halloween as...a ladybug.
• Both sisters are thrown at Jeremy's new attitude.
  Waverly: Who swapped his Snickers out for a toothbrush?
• Waverly's costume for Wynonna being a classic schoolgirl outfit.
  Wynonna: Come on, Waves! As if I shave below the knee.
  • Gets a call-back when high on the dust and she asks "when didn't I shave my legs?"
  • When they leave the office, she's added pigtails to look like Britney Spears' outfit in the Oops! I Did It Again video.
    Wynonna: (at Casey's door) Open up! It's Britney, bitch!
• The dying words of one resident after she's stabbed in the gut by a pitchfork.
  Woman: But I have brownies in the oven...
• The girls hit by a combination of fairy dust and crossing through the mist at the town border which affects their memories. Hilarity Ensues.
  Casey: Go home but do not watch the movie Cats. They say it's hilarious but you'll never look at Dame Judi Dench the same way.
• With their memories altered, the girls each think that they're each other, that Wynonna is a bartender, and Waverly is a cop.
  • Waverly finds Nicole's shirt, which is the first thing in the house that feels familiar. Wynonna has a similar experience...with a whiskey-soaked Shorty's shirt.
    Wynonna: (licking the shirt) oh...I like whiskey.
• Waverly tries on Nicole's coat. "These buttons look familiar."
• Doc dressed like Freddie Mercury.
• Threatened by demons, the sisters defend themselves with...mini-drink umbrellas.
• Waverly getting a skull emoji when Jeremy calls.
  Wynonna: Good skull? Bad skull?
  Waverly: It's always a bad skull!
• To buy the Earps some more time, Jeremy makes his boss sick by putting almond milk and soy milk into his coffee (he can apparently only consume "pure dairy"), and calling it "vegan revenge".
• Waverly noting how "red hair makes me think of love...and handcuffs."
• Wynonna's Stripperific "super-heroine" costume has to be seen to be believed.
• The entire auction, from Wynonna being insulted that the opening bid is just a thousand bucks to Waverly bidding on herself.
• Jeremy's "disguise" of a bad mask and a plastic crab hand.
  • And the fact waving a hand by his crotch is a signal he and Doc have.
• When Wynonna asks if the fog around the town was a Black Badge creation, she's literally laughed at, as "we can't even get the popcorn machine to work."

Episode 9 - Crazy

• The close-ups of Wynonna and Nicole facing off.
  Wynonna: Really trying for high noon?
  Nicole: Isn't that what you say when you wake up from a night of drinking? "Hi, noon?"
  Wynonna: "Only I get to make fun of my drinking!"
• Wynonna upset she lost Trivia Night.
  Wynonna: How was I supposed to know Tobey Maguire wasn't Spider-Man anymore?!
  Jeremy: Everyone knows that.
• Apparently, pub trivia is Serious Business in Purgatory.
• Nicole got so angry at being outvoted Sheriff, that she kicked a roasted chicken. And Rachel recorded it!
• The fact that the perp is so stupid, it doesn't even occur to him to use a genie to simply wish to be smart rather than kill people so he can eat their brains under the impression they're smart.
• Our all-powerful genie whines about not being able to tweet and complaining about the popular misconceptions about genies ("one of us lives in a lamp, you think we all do!")

Episode 10 - Life Turned Her That Way

• Casey continues to be fun such as how he never wrote down a method of getting through the fog on the "logic" that no evidence means no crime.
  • He also thinks squirrels can see in the dark.
• Nicole insists on going after Waverly as her future wife.
  Wynonna: Well, if marrying my sister was legal, I'd have done it already so check your privilege, Haught Wheels.
• Doc and Jeremy are moaning over being locked in jail and no help coming. Cue the long-awaited return of Mercedes with a key.
  Mercedes: I tried to tell them I was human. I mean, have you ever seen a demon with a rack like this?
  Doc and Jeremy: Kate.
  Mercedes: Kate.
• Mercedes tries to play the card of a friend in the State Department...who's a "high-level" custodian.

Episode 11: Better Dig Two

• Wynonna's reactions to Waverly's Dark Angel.
  Wynonna: Waverly Earp, you wipe that ethereal look off your face this minute, this is not an Enya video.
• Wynonna hears someone coming.
  Wynonna: If I get my sight back and you're at least a 6 out of 10, I will make out with you! Okay, five point five.
• What's better than Mercedes? Mercedes as a vampire.
  Mercedes: What are you, a '90s modeling agency? I will eat what I want.

Episode 12: Old Souls

• Wynonna, naturally, going whole hog on things like serving buttercream.
  Wyonna: Both of Waverly's dads died here.
  Nicole: Save something for the wedding toast?
• Doc and Wynonna's confusion when the Silk Witch starts explaining her curse through song.
  • The Silk Witch in turn is confused why Wynonna is wearing the dress when it's Waverly's wedding, and she spends a couple of minutes needing the situation explained to her.
• Jeremy is convinced the caterer at the wedding is a demon as "I got a funny feeling in my crotch!"
• Nicole's reaction to learning the Silk Witch's Start of Darkness.
  Nicole: Baby, if you left me at the altar, I would fuck some shit up. I'd probably kill Nedley.
  Waverly: Nicole!
  Nicole: What? I'm kidding... mostly.
  • This then turns Waverly on so much that a couple of scenes later, Jeremy walks in to find them having sex in the barn.
• Doc and Wynonna lampshading how easy beating the Silk Witch was.
• Nedley acting like an Amazingly Embarrassing Parent towards Rachel by giving a brief warning to Billy about coming along on their fishing trip.
• When Wynonna is despairing over Doc leaving Purgatory while she has no choice but to stay and can't go after him, Waverly makes her opinion on the matter known.
  Waverly: The fuck you can't! (grabs Wynonna by the ear and drags her off)
  • She also takes the time to call out the others for arguing over whether or not Wynonna and Doc should even be together, giving them each a quick "fuck you!". But pausing to make it clear Nicole's not included in that.
• Waverly using a plastic garbage bag to "pack" Wynonna's belongings.
  Waverly: How can you have 72 bras and one pair of panties?

The Road To Purgatory

• The existence of the blog in general: It's a password-protected Tumblr that catalogues season one from Nicole's POV, starting off with her trying to note down the weird stuff going on in town and quickly down-spiraling into gushing over and screenshots of conversations with Waverly.
• The reveal that when Nicole walked into the bar in 1x02, she was planning on asking Waverly questions about a disturbance at the bar the night before. She completely failed at asking a single thing, because she got distracted by Waverly.
• Regarding Dolls and his interaction with Nicole at the end of 1x03:
  The grim spectre of death would probably be more helpful when it comes to the subject of romance.
• "What does cat eggplant flower plane mean?"
• Nicole had to text Waverly after the kiss in 1x09 to make sure it had actually happened. Waverly responds with about thirty unicorn emojis.
• Nicole texts Waverly half a dozen times to make sure she's okay after the shooting in 1x11.
  Nicole: You were SHOT
  Waverly: I was GRAZED
• While Waverly is in full-out panic mode worrying over whether Willa is going to out her and Nicole's relationship to Wynonna, Nicole decides to be snarky:
  Nicole: I didn't think it was possible for another of your sisters to be more socially awkward, yet here we are
  Waverly: NOT HELPING OFFICER SMARTASS
  Nicole: That's Officer Haughtass to you
  Waverly: Oh my god.
• "It turns out being all gallant is a darn fine way to get your girlfriend all riled up."