Look at you. Sailing through the air majestically. Like an eagle. Piloting a blimp.
The defective turrets. That is all.
Not to mention when you can place one of the defective turrets as a template, all the good turrets get rejected. Some of the comments are just hilarious
Turret: I did everything you asssssskkkkeeedddd! Defective Turret:Heheheheh....
Turret: WHEEEEEOHNOOO! Defective Turret: I'm, uh, I'm a bad man.
Defective Turret: Hey, be a sport, lady, and just tell 'em I killed you.
Some of the things Wheatley says when you don't move for awhile. If you don't jump down to a platform, he'll tell you to keep a good grip on him since he's more fragile than a plastic cup, and then thinking of what's the worst that could happen, immediately thinking of something worse.
After hacking the secret panel to get out, he falls on the floor and asks you to pick him up. If you don't do it for awhile, he'll say, "Oh, remember when you picked me up five seconds ago? That was amazing, do that again."
"Alright, I spy with my little eye, something beginning with F. Don't get it? Um, it was the floor. Where I am, waiting to be picked up. OK, next round, I spy with my little eye something beginning with A! ...Also the floor. That's what it was; and I'm still here, actually, waiting to be picked up..."
There is a mug (somewhere) that says "who farted?"
Look closely during the 'Want You Gone' sequence. GLaDOS isn't telling Chell goodbye—she's firing her! Passive aggressive much?
A bit of Fridge Brilliance on why she gives Chell back the Companion Cube at the end: From what Cave keeps saying to fired employees, being given a box (to put all their stuff in...which is basically nothing in Chell's case) is apparently standard Aperture "boot someone out the door" policy.
GLaDOS: I was getting so lonely down there. It's so good to hear somebody else's voice. I'm kidding, of course. GOD I hate you.
GLaDOS' reactions to you killing yourself in the co-op hub.
GLaDOS:How can you fail at this? It isn't even a test!
Die enough times in the hub and she adds:
GLaDOS:I honestly never thought we would need to track how many times you died in the hub.
GLaDOS reacting to P-body and Atlas performing gestures in front of her cameras in Co-Op.
GLaDOS:Now you're thinking with stupidity. GLaDOS:Now you're just not thinking! GLaDOS:Yes, I see you. No, I don't care. GLaDOS:You're going to hurt yourself doing that, and then I will be ecstatic.
Another GLaDOS line from co-op.
GLaDOS:Please note "points" refer to Science Collaboration Points, rather than points from competitions such as Who Gets To Live At The End And Who Doesn't. I mean, basketball.
The last puzzle in the hard-light surfaces co-op course. P-body and Atlas fling themselves at the same time and slam into each other to stop themselves right above a platform.
The way that all three of them completely freak out when they see the bird, especially GLaDOS, who (unusually) totally loses all composure and panics. Of course, the bird isn't doing anything to provoke this reaction, which just makes it better.
When you destroy your partner in Co-Op, GLaDOS has the following lines:
First Kill: You have taught your partner about the folly of trusting others. +10 points.
Second Kill: I think your partner understands already. -6 points.
Third Kill: Now you're just being cruel. +50 points.
Perpetual Testing Initiative
Pretty much all of Cave's lines from the Perpetual Testing Initiative, but particularly his little war with "Dark Cave".
"[laughter] Oh, Dark Cave, you are the only one around here who gets me."
TK!Cave: "[...] Let me tell ya' we picked up a real bunch of smartalecs to give mind powers to. Hey you! stop blowing up heads! You know what? negotiation's over. I'd like you all to meet Terry, he's gonn— [BOOM] Ha! real funny you guys! but you know what? joke's on you! I taped all your paycheks to Terry's head. WHY DON'T YOU PUT THAT IN YOUR HEAD AND BLOW IT UP!?
"Who's ready to make love to a giant bird?"
Cave trying to push you to kill the other Caves, even thought it can destroy the multiverse. License-to-kill.
"Just wanna let the cafeteria staff know to lay off the Soylent Green. I'm holding a memo from the President, and it turns out that soylent green is... [paper rustling] let's see here... doubling in price. I know we all love how people tastes, but this stuff is costing us more than lobster! We're going back to fish sticks."
Cave: You are the world's first half-man, half-machine police officer. [beat] Well, first batch. There was a pretty big shootout.
Cave: Come in Robot-a-Cop, it's your Chief. First, you're a damn good cop. Second, you're a loose cannon! Alright, that's probably enough motivation........
Cave: Greg tells me you might be getting some tragic flashbacks of your former life. Don't sweat it, those aren't yours. Due to a software problem, that's a real-time feed of Greg's current life. He's a sad little man.
Space!Cave: It's come to my attention that over half of our test subjects have only recently awoken from extended relaxation and were unaware that we're testing in space. So there it is: No conspiracy. No twist. We're in a test satellite orbiting the Earth. Commonly available information that absolutely anyone would have told you if you'd bothered to ask. Please stop forming groups of adventuring parties to uncover the big secret, because it's that we're in space. Space!Cave: Another adventure party smashed through the hull to learn the big mystery. Guess they were busy doing that instead of testing, because I've mentioned we're in space every half hour. By the way: Still in space. Space!Cave: Let's all give a big hand to the test subjects of Sphere Eighteen for bravely uncovering the company-wide conspiracy, which is that there's no air in space. Once again: We're in space. It's not a secret. I am sincerely regretting my decision not to install windows in this thing.
Cave: You know what would have been better? Regular doors with locks. Locks that don't open when the power goes out.[...] Still though, a door made out of paper would have been better in the long run. Would've at least slowed them down for a second.
When you get the chance, stare into a portal where you'd be able to see yourself from it. Your character is so nondescript that they're rendered as a stickman from the demonstration trailers.
How do you know you're not just from the stickman universe?
Cave: So grab a bowl of slumgullion and a glass of sterno, and let me introduce myself. I'm Michigan Slim Cave Johnson. [harmonica riff] I'm the hobo king!
"That shrieking voice you just heard is the lovely Blark-Barg, my assistant. She's the backbone of this facility. Sorry fellas, she's married — to producing seeds that germinate and detach from her exoskeleton at high speeds in search of human hosts! [Beat] We keep her behind glass."
BlapertureMesa, in all of its Take That glorynote It does have a basis within the game storyline given the shared universe of Half-Life and Portal, Cave was pretty confident that the only reason they were losing money was because Black Mesa stole so much of their research. Now you know..
The universe where Nice!Cave uses "Chariots" for no reason, and how Cave Prime is obviously annoyed by him.
The CaveDOS universe bit had his moments, from "Blackula or Latin Frankenstein", to " Greg and the boys are no longer working here."
CaveDOS rewriting the entire literary canon of the human race to include more Ghostbusters.
CaveDOS: Pure Intellect Cave here. Not to brag, but while you were cat-assing that last test, I rewrote the collective works of everything ever. If I gotta read this garbage for eternity, I might as well improve it. So next time you curl up with a time-honored classic and think to yourself, "Man, I do not remember the Brothers Karamazov busting so many ghosts," you can thank yours truly.
CaveDOS: Here's a question for you: Who is not afraid of no ghosts? [beep] As of just now, every character in every book by Virginia Woolf. Man, those things were dull. CaveDOS: Stumbled on a book about a fella who lived thousands of years ago. Sacrificed himself to save mankind. Went by the name of Hercules.
"Cave Johnson here, you know what I'd really like to do? I'd like to scratch my nose."
"Anyway, this Earth is far too dangerous and we are pulling you out. [pause] Right after this test."
" I'm Cave Johnson. I'm host to a tiny but powerful demon who lives in a secret place in my mouth."
The Invasion of the (non-threatening) Body Snatchers bit:
"Quick update on all those pods we were finding in broom closets. Apparently some alien monster was body-snatching employees and spawning Communist replicas. The allegorical threat level on this one's through the roof. Actual threat level's pretty non-existent, though, so we've decided not to do anything about it. If the worst this thing can do is gestate glassy-eyed Yes Men, I say bring it on, Bug-Eyes! I got a whole list of troublemakers you can pod up any time you like."
"Maybe someday we'll achieve man's ultimate dream: to evolve into pillars of pure salt. Can't wait. [beat] So salty."
"You all enjoyed a good chuckle at Cave's expense when I started monitoring for parallel universe invasions. You all tried to stop me when I tried to garnish your wages to build defenses against said invasion. Succeeded too."
Cave mentions a bunch of giant killer ants invading the country and attacking the Kentucky sugar reserve, but then it just turns out to be a movie Cave Prime saw and didn't want people spoiling the ending for him.
Dancing!Cave would like to remind you that the Dance Police will come if you aren't dancing.
"Come on, Greg, I told you not to let your creepy kid in my office. No, I'm sorry Greg, but there's something wrong with that kid. Why's she whisper all time? Man, that kid's creepy."
When an alternate Cave's universe sounds like a bad action movie from The Eighties:
"Hello, test subject. As you are no doubt aware, the President is being held hostage inside the giant super-prison on the floor of the Atlantic Ocean. Every science facility in America has been tasked with producing a Tough Guy capable of breaking into SuperMaxLantis. That's where YOU come in. I'm nominating myself and I'm gonna need some references. A test associate should be around soon to get a quote off you, so be as glowing as possible."
"Do you have an annoying assistant named "Greg" in your dimension? Do you want one?"
At the start of the game
Wheatley: Most test subjects do experience some..."cognitive deterioration" after a few months in suspension. Now, you've been under for...quite a lot longer, and it's not out of the question that you might have a very minor case of...serious brain damage. But don't be alarmed! Although, if you do feel alarmed, try to hold on to that feeling! Because that is the proper reaction to being told that you've got brain damage.
Well, have fun soaring through the air without a care in the world. I have to go to the wing that was made entirely of glass and pick up 15 acres of broken glass. By myself.
The automated announcements:
The announcement in the first dilapidated testing chamber says that "Cube and button based testing remains an important tool for sciene, even in a dire emergency. If cube and button based testing caused this emergency, don't worry. The odds of this happening twice are very slim."
One narrates what to do if society has been taken over by some sort of unreasonable animal king. The visual on the wall screens shows a giant, leopard-painted, crown-wearing turret being worshiped by the masses.
"This next test involves how gravity and momentum apply to portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you."
In the same chamber, the announcer states:
"If you are a non-employee who has discovered this facility amid the ruins of civilization, welcome! And remember: testing is the future and the future starts with you." Only to add at the end of the test: "Good work getting this far, future-starter! That said, if you are simple-minded, old or irradiated in such a way that the future should not start with you, please return to your primitive tribe and send back someone better qualified for testing."
Music always soothes the soul:
To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in 3...2...1...
According to the commentary, smooth jazz is always funny regardless of age, gender, class or culture.
Made even funnier when you realize the test chamber is completely incapable of killing you unless you decide to stand underneath a vital apparatus vent while it dumps out a cube. Which may be impossible to do in that test chamber.
Ratman's response to it: One of his paintings says "Smooth jazz fails"...
The hilariously thoughtless approach to mental stimulation:
"This is art. You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, stare at the art." BZZZZ! tick tick tick tick tick "You should now feel mentally reinvigorated. If you do not feel mentally reinvigorated, reflect briefly on this classical music." Brief clip of classical mu—BZZZZZ! "Now return to bed."
In a test that does not involve lethal military androids:
Some emergency testing may require prolonged interaction with lethal military androids. Rest assured that all lethal military androids have been taught to read and provided with one copy of the Laws of Robotics. To share.
Another Wheatley quote, after you've grabbed the first portal-gun and the floor's collapsed underneath you:
Do you see the portal gun? ...Also, are you alive? Should have asked that first, um, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna come back, in an hour, if you're alive, we'll meet then, and if you're not, I'll bury you. Alright? Go team!
It's even funnier if you try to picture how he would bury you seeing as he's a complete idiot with no arms.
When GLaDOS wakes up:
GLaDOS: Oh. It's you. Wheatley: You know her? GLaDOS: It's been a long time. How have you been? Wheatley: I think she likes you! GLaDOS: I've been reeeeeeeeally busy being dead. You know, after you murdered me. Wheatley: You did what?! GLaDOS: Look...we both said a lot of things that you are going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For Science!. YouMonster.
"We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested me, I tested you. You killed me, I... oh, no wait, I guess I haven't killed you yet. Well, food for thought."
At the start of the game:
Wheatley: "I'm going to try a manual over-ride on the wall." (rams Chell's room into the wall)
GLaDOS:I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what: let's give your parents a call, right now. keypad beeps and ringing "Operator":The birth-parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. beeeeeeeeeeep GLaDOS:Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company.
When Wheatley first enacts his "plan."
Wheatley: (in a horrible accent) Hey, buddy! Ah'm speakin' in an ac-cent that is beyond her range of hearin'! Ah know Ah'm early, but we need to go, RIGHT NOW. Walk casually to-ward my position, and we'll go shut 'er doun! GLaDOS: (clearly annoyed) Look, metal-ball. I can hear you. Wheatley: (normal voice) Run! I don't need to do the voice! Run! Run!
Wheatley speaks Spanish:
Estás usando este software de traducción de forma incorrecta. Por favor, consulta el manual.
It gets even more hilarious in the Spanish version where it's inverted and the error phrase is said in English.
"Sarcasm self test complete!" "Oh good, that's back online."
Near the beginning of chapter one.
Wheatley: Do you understand what I'm saying? Just tell me 'Yes'." On screen [Space]/A/(Triangle) Speak Wheatley: Okay. What you're doing there is jumping. You just... you just jumped. But never mind. Say 'Apple'. Aaaapple. On screen [Space]/A/(Triangle)Say apple. Wheatley: Okay, you know what? That's close enough. Just hold tight."
If you stick around, Wheatley has quite a few hilarious things to say about that apple...
Wheatley's insistence on you turning around when he's 'hacking' something. But if you use portals to sneak a peek at when he's hacking the turret room, or just turn around fast enough to watch, you can see that the method he uses is less 'technical' and more 'physical'.
You don't even need to actually see it; you can hear glass smashing and see the splintered glass in front of the window, making it just as funny.
Some of the stuff said when you don't react at all. For example, GLaDOS and Wheatley both arguing about switching the cores.
GLaDOS:Do not put that little idiot in my mainframe! Wheatley: Yes, you should put that little idiot into the mainframe! GLaDOS:Don't do it. Wheatley: Do do it! Wheatley: Yes, that might be correct, but where it's incorrect, is that while I've been stalling you WE JUST PRESSED THE BUTTON! Usethemomentofconfusionandpressthebutton.
Any of Wheatley's ideas of what hacking entails. This ranges from slamming into things, to trying to convince a computer monitor to shut itself off by talking to it, to figuring out a password by going through every combination alphabetically. He manages to get to AAAAAC before getting confused. He also skipped AAAAAB getting there.
This next test chamber was apparently designed by one of Aperture's Nobel Prize Winners. It doesn't say what the Nobel Prize was for. Well, I know it wasn't for being immune to neurotoxin.
"Warning! Neurotoxin has reached dangerously unlethal levels!" (Neurotoxin pipe crumples up and makes the entire machine collapse)
Best thing about that sequence: the balcony from which you watch the implosion was put there specifically for watching the neurotoxin generator implode. The door is labeled "Implosion Observation Annex", and there's a sign on the wall reading, "In case of implosion, look directly at implosion".
The scene where Wheatley argues with a nanobot worker named Jerry, shown here in all its glory.
On the path to the Neurotoxin:
Wheatley: I'm absolutely guaranteeing you 100% that it's this way. (he goes down one path, only to re-emerge a second later.) No, it's not this way.
In the showdown with GLaDOS, when she tries to pipe in the neurotoxin:
GLaDOS:Well, I guess we could just sit here and glare at one another until somebody drops dead. But I've got a better idea! Say hello to your old friend, deadly neurotoxin. If I were you, I'd take a deep breath, and hold it. Wheatley rolls out the neurotoxin tube, smashing the cage Wheatley: Ow! Ooh! Ah! Uh! Ow! (drops in front of Chell) Hello! GLaDOS:...I hate you so much.
The GLaDOS fight has some of the best lines in the game:
Announcer: New core detected. Wheatley: Ooh! That's me they're talking about!
Impersonating a stalemate associate. I just added that to the list. It's a list I made of all the things you've done. Well, it's a list that I am making, because you're still doing things right now, even though I'm telling you to stop. Stop, by the way.
The turret redemption line. The defective turrets are already listed under General, but the good turrets get their own moments in this area.
Turret redemption lines are not rides. Please exit the turret redemption line.
And the insults continue...
GLaDOS: According to the test results, that jumpsuit makes you look stupid. No, really, there's a note right here. It says it looks fine on everyone else, but on you, it looks stupid. But what would some neckbearded old engineer know about that? ...Oh, it says here that it was a woman. Well, what does she know? ...Oh, wait, she had a PhD. In fashion. From France!
Except the line refers to a "medical degree" in fashion, which is actually funnier.
If you zoom in on the volcano science fair project, you can read what it says.
Problem: Can you make a baking soda volcano that is as cool as a real volcano? Conclusion: It is not as cool but at least it cannot catch on fire.
Some of the defective turrets say some pretty funny stuff considering the standard they're supposed to meet:
[Turrets have to shoot a target] Normal Turret: Target acquired! [shoots] Broken Turret: [click] Uh. Blam! Blam blam blam! I'm not defective! Broken Turret: [click] Well, gave it all I could! Can't ask for more than that! [Turrets have to meet scanner standards] Template Turret: Hello? Broken Turret: C'mon, Coach! You gotta put me in the game! [Broken turret accepted after scanner is sabotaged] Broken Turret: So... we're all supposed to be blind, right? Not just me? Alright, fantastic!
Also, if you wait while after Wheatley opened the door:
Wheatley: Oh! Good news! (BOOM) Never mind!
Even funnier for those that played Half-Life as the electronic bang sounds like the Tau Cannon from the game.
GLaDOS: I honestly, TRULY didn't think you'd fall for that. In fact, I devised a much more elaborate trap further ahead for when you got through this easy one. If I'd known you'd let yourself get captured this easily, I would have just dangled a turkey leg on a rope from the ceiling.
You know how there's this device that builds turrets, boxes them, and sends them away? They never get around to being shipped away. They are sent to a second machine that unboxes them and most of the time even disassembles them to send the parts back so they can make more turrets. Not kidding, it's stated here at 1:21.
Oh, wait, wait, it gets better. While brand-new turrets are recycled, the boxes are just thrown on a pile.
Wheatley's ghost story. Any fright that may have been afforded by the story itself is completely undone by the parentheticals, case in point...
Wheatley: They say that at night you can still hear the screams... of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident, nobody knows what they're screaming about. Spooky. Though obviously not paranormal, in any meaningful way.
One of Wheatley's reactions during the boss fight with GLaDOS, found slightly interrupted in this video. "PULL ME OUT! PULL ME OUT! PULL ME OUT! PULL ME OUT! LEAVE ME IN! LEAVE ME IN! LEAVE ME IN! LEAVE ME IN!"
Wheatley's attempt to hack the neurotoxin generator, if you just stand around watching.
Wheatley: Now, what's the floor doing? You know what? It's holding everything up!
In the opening scene:
GLaDOS:Oh hi. So, how are you holding up? BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
Really, the mere existence of PotatOS is hilarious.
Especially the fact that you carry her by skewering her on one of the portal gun's prongs. You know Chell did that for just a small bit of payback.
Well, that, and she probably would have been emancipated otherwise.
After she resolves her potato power output issues and realizes she can't be too emotional, this quote stands out:
We're still going to figure out what the hell is going on here, but calmly.
And after that, as she continues to figure out who Caroline is, her first thought on the subject is "Did I kill her?" She's just so contemplative about it; good to know she sticks to what she knows she does most.
At one point, you need to open a massive hatch. The thing is a good thirty feet or so across, made of metal, at least a foot thick, and plastered with warning signs. You need to portal from one side of the huge room to the other to hit two switches quickly enough to open it, whereupon it grinds ajar with a shriek of protesting metal, a flashing red warning light and a siren to reveal... a wall. Bricked-up and painted off-white. With a teeny tiny, perfectly ordinary human-sized door in the very bottom, like an afterthought. Complete with a tiny little chair next to the door, as if Johnson felt the need to put a security guard behind the massive 10-story vault.
Not only a wonderful achievement by the Valve team in delivering 1) probably the largest damn door compared to a character POV in a game since Halo or something and 2) executing a hilarious sight gag, and 3) illustrating the outright insane approach Cave Johnson's Aperture Innovations had to designing virtually anything: huge and costly expenditure of money, resources and energy for a tiny little result. Spectacle often seems more important to the mad old coot than anything else.
Made even better when you listen to the commentary and learn that the entire gag came about thanks to "a happy accident," wherein "the first model built was about five times bigger than everyone expected, but people started to like it."
When potato GLaDOS freaked out upon seeing a bird.
Ahg! Bird! Bird! Kill it! IT'S EVIL!
Before then, when you find her in an office of some kind:
Oh, hi. Say, you're good at murder. Could you - OW! - murder this bird for me!?
Doubles as a stealth pun. The bird appears to be a crow. A group of crows is known as a murder.
One of Cave Johnson's final pre-recorded speeches as he rages at his imminent death.
Many YouTubers are convinced that GLaDOS' loud and frequent exclamations of "YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!" are Johnson giving her an Immodest Orgasm.
And given Cave Johnson's track record up until that point, it is not out of the question for him to have created combustible lemons.
Funnier almost as a shout out when you remember that Yahtzee said this little gem: 'Imagine if Valve released Half-Life, then a few years later they released Half-Life again with exactly the same plot but with better graphics, different level design, and maybe one new gun, like a tube that shoots lemons.'
Really, most everything Cave says it pure comedy gold.
Cave Johnson: Oh, in case you get covered in that repulsion gel, here's some advice the lab boys gave me: [ruffles papers]DO NOT get covered in the repulsion gel. We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you this, it's a lively one, and it does NOT like the human skeleton.
Especially hilarious when you've probably been soaked in the repulsion gel several times at this point.
Cave Johnson: All these Science Spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistence of cough, or your heart stopping, because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos. Good news is the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older you're laughing. Worst case scenario you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you've forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.
More Cave Johnson:
For those of you who volunteered to be injected with Praying Mantis DNA, I have good news and bad news. The bad news: The test's been delayed indefinitely. The good news: We have a much better test for you. Fighting an army of Mantis Men! Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test begins.
He's the gift that keeps on giving, really:
This next test has tiny nanoparticles in it. In layman's terms, that's a billion little gizmos that are gonna swim through your bloodstream and pump experimental genes and RNA molecules into your tumors. Now maybe you don't have any tumors: well don't worry, if you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants, we took care of that too.
Cave Johnson's philosophy:
In this next chamber, we're going to have a superconductor pointed at you, on full blast, the entire time. I'll be honest with you, we're just throwing science at a wall here to see what sticks. No idea what's gonna happen. Best case scenario, you might get some super powers; worst case, some tumors, which we'll cut out.
Even more Cave goodness:
Science isn't about "why?" It's about "why not?" Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much? In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out because you are fired! Not you, test subject. You're doing fine. Yes, you! Box your stuff! Out the front door. Parking lot. Car. Goodbye.
It's even funnier hearing it, as the phrasing goes "Yes, you! Box. Your stuff!" Given the track record of Aperture Science, the idea of them hiring an actual box is surprisingly plausible.
Cave: You're not part of the control group, by the way. You get the gel. Last poor son of a gun got blue paint. Hahahaha. All joking aside, that did happen—broke every bone in his legs. Tragic. But informative. Or so I'm told.
GLaDOS: I know things look bleak, but that crazy man down there was right. Let's not take these lemons! We are going to march right back upstairs and MAKE him put me back in my body! And he'll probably kill us, because he's incredibly powerful and I have NO plan! *Beat* Wow. I'm not going to lie to you, the odds are a million to one, and that's with some generous rounding. Still, though, lets get mad! If we're going to explode, let's at least explode with some dignity!
GLaDOS:THIS! SENTENCE! IS!-IS! FALSE! Dontthinkaboutitdontthinkaboutitdontthinkaboutitdontthinkaboutit! Wheatley: I'm gonna have to go with...true. Definitely true. GLaDOS:It's a PARADOX, there IS no answer!
Made all the more hilarious because the Frankenturrets in the room understand it, and start to short out. Frankenturrets are smarter than Wheatley.
The ending. Specifically, the scene where Chell has finally escaped: as she looks around, she hears a noise, and the Companion Cube (charred to Hell and back) is spat out of the door. Depending on just how much you loved the Companion Cube, it may double as a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming. Depending on how recently it came out of the incinerator, that heart could be pretty damn warm.
I'm in space.
I know you are, mate! Yep...we're both in space...
Dad, I'm in space. [deep voice] I'm proud of you, son! [normal] Dad, are you space? [deep voice] Yes, now we are a family again!
All of the faulty cores are basically some of the most hilarious parts of the game.
The Fact Core's information is sometimes correct. Sometimes...it isn't.
"Marie Curie invented the theory of radioactivity, the treatment of radioactivity and dying of radioactivity." "Contrary to the popular belief, the Eskimo does not have one hundred different words for snow. They do however have 234 words for fudge." "In Victorian England, a commoner was not allowed to look directly at the Queen due to a belief at the time that the poor had the ability to steal thoughts. Science now believes that less than four percent of poor people are able to do this." "The Schrödinger's Cat paradox states that a cat in a box must be, for all intents and purposes, alive and dead until someone opens the box. Schrödinger invented this theory as a justification for killing cats." "Whales are twice as intelligent and three times as delicious as humans." "The first person to prove that cow's milk is drinkable was very, very thirsty." "Cell phones will not give you cancer. Only hepatitis." "The first commercial airline flight took to the air in 1914. Everyone involved screamed the entire way." "At some point in their lives, 1 in 6 children will be abducted by the Dutch." "If you have trouble with simple counting, use the following mnemonic device: One comes before two, comes before sixty, comes after twelve, comes before six trillion, comes after five hundred and four. This will make your earlier counting difficulties seem like no big deal." "Avocados have the highest fiber and calories of any fruit. They are found in Australians." "In 1948, at the request of a dying boy, baseball legend Babe Ruth ate seventy-five hot dogs, then died of hot dog poisoning." "Before the invention of scrambled eggs in 1912, the typical breakfast was either whole eggs, still in the shell, or scrambled rocks."
The turret opera. With the Animal-King turret in the background and the massive lead singer turret, which is also a brick joke as you can see it taking the elevator in an early chamber.
And you know it's the end, because the Fat Lady was singing.
He then gets the real turrets and then goes on a rant about how he's got all the cards in his hand, saying that they're all full houses, and then says he's never played cards and then says something about an Ace of Fours.
When you get into the excursion funnel, he starts Evil Gloating. If you get out of the excursion funnel, he says that he had a really good line. When you get back in, he gloats about how you were foolish to get back in, so you can get out... this repeats a couple more times until he gets frustrated and tells you until you play along he's not going to continue his rant.
Then he gets a crusher and says this:
Finally, a nemesis worthy of my vast intellect. Holmes VS Moriarty. Aristotle VS Mashy-spike-plate!
THEN something breaks, and he wonders out loud if it killed you, saying it'd be great if it killed you. He then has an idea and tells you not to die until he gets back.
"Clever. Very clever. And FOOLISH! You're at my mercy! And I don't have any! You're at my nothing! Spinny-blade wall! Machiavellian!"
Later on he offers a crusher as a "death option," saying that the "death traps" have been a bit of a failure, and that if you don't take it, he will absolutely kill you once you get to his "lair." Funnier still, if you actually do fall into the crusher (or jump into it), he'll exclaim "Huh! I didn't think that'd actually work." and "walk" off, as it were.
You can chuck a mine at his screen when he says this, and he says "So that's a no, then well, may the best man win." [starts to leave, comes back quickly] "Sphere. May the best sphere win. Bit more clever that. Sphere. Books."
Wheatley trying to convince you to jump into the pit by listing various things that are naturally not down there is full of comedic gold: your birth parents, a three-portal gun, an escape elevator, a french jumpsuit, a tailor for the jumpsuit, a handbag, a yacht, boys who don't care if you have brain damage, a boy band, and a pony farm.
If you stay after he finishes listing everything, GLaDOS comments:
GLaDOS:You really do have brain damage, don't you?
When Wheatley is running Chell through "his" tests (actually made by GLaDOS), he tries to give away the answer. The interface rig shocks him. Once Chell completes the test, GLaDOS claims it was easy - all you had to do was pull a lever. Since you actually had to press a button, Wheatley tries to correct her... and gets shocked again.
GLaDOS:He he he. I know we're in a lot of trouble and probably about to die, but that was worth it.
Near the end of the final boss:
Announcer:Corrupted core, are you ready to start? Wheatley: What do you think? Announcer:Interpreting vague answer as "yes." Wheatley: Nonononononono, didn't pick up on my sarcasm!
And also during the final boss:
Announcer:Reactor Explosion Timer destroyed. Reactor Explosion Uncertainty Emergency Preemption Protocol initiated: This facility will self destruct in two minutes.
I'll bet you've made this whole thing up, haven't you? I bet there's no such thing as a "reactor core!" Look out! I'm right behind you! ...No, of course I'm not. Forty-feet-tall, right in front of you. Not my greatest ruse... I didn't actually think you'd be such a Worthy Opponent. Weren't you supposed to be brain-damaged? Yeah, brain-damaged like a fox... Oh! And another thing! Football! Kicking a ball around, for fun, cruel, obviously, metaphor! (choked voice) Should've seen this coming...
Just ten pounds of useless dead weight. Soon to be two hundred and ten. Fatty.
While Wheatley fails horribly at running the facility.
Wheatley: Sorry about the lift. It's, uh...out of service. Because it melted.
As well as pretty much everything after that until you arrive at the next test:
Wheatley: Might as well give you the tour. To your left...you'll see some lights of some kind. Don't know what they do, but very sciencey anyway. And to your right...something huge...hurtling towards y—OH GOD, RUN, THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE! [a testing chamber almost crashes into Chell, but stops just short] Wheatley: Are you alright back there? Here, I'll turn the beam off. [the excursion funnel turns off, dropping Chell through the roof of an office] Wheatley: WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT, OH NO NO, THAT'S NOT HELPFUL! Rrrgh! I don't know why I thought that would help!
GLaDOS' reaction to Wheatley's attempts to foreshadow your incoming death trap.
GLaDOS:Alright. He's not even trying to be subtle anymore. Or maybe he still is, in which case, wow, that's kind of sad. *Wheatley drops a pipe filled with Conversion Gel in the hallway Chell was currently walking through, smashing a hole through the floor and getting Gel on everything* Wheatley: Sorry! Butterfingers! GLaDOS: Either way, I get the impression that he's about to kill us.
Smash all of Wheatley's monitors when you get to the rooms GLaDOS built. Vandalism = Hilarity. Some of Stephen Merchant's finest adlibbing.
Some cut dialogue reveals that some of GLaDOS' glitches go far beyond static and defaulting to a random language.
Way to make it even funnier? Imagine Ellen McLain in the recording booth making those noises.
GLaDOS' speech at the start of the co-op mode trailer.
GLaDOS:These next tests require cooperation. Consequently, they've never been solved by a human. That's when you come in. You don't know pride. You don't know fear. You don't know anything. You'll be perfect.
At the end of the co-op mode trailer, the robots face a massive obstacle course. They run forward in a ridiculously Bad Ass way - and instantly explode.
An IGN preview gives us this little gem from GLaDOS:
(To the robots in the coop mode) The two of you have forged an excellent partnership, with one of you handling the cerebral challenges and the other ready to ponderously waddle into action should the test suddenly become an eating contest.
The Valentine's Day pre-order trailer. An especially great bit is when the intended valentine is offered a massive diamond ("FACT: Women love diamonds for their wide range of industrial applications.")- she throws it in the air, it crushes her, with the footnote that around four out of five people are killed every day by falling diamonds, and then another guy comes up and runs off with the diamond. (Yes, you read that right. Four out of five people every day.)
Said co-worker is seen lazily spinning around in his chair throughout the trailer. After stealing the diamond? He's seen lazily spinning around in his chair with the diamond on his lap for the rest of the trailer. Also note the turret working at a desk in the background.
Not to mention how when the valentine is offered a box of chocolates, she gracefully picks up the box and smashes it into her face, sending one chocolate into her mouth and the rest on the floor, and then throws the box away. And if you buy your girlfriend flowers, a giant bee will spear her through the head with its stinger and fly away with her.
Cave Johnson: "The solution? Robots!" [Clip of a prototype Atlas beating itself in the face with a frying pan] "Then fire the guys that made those robots and build better robots!"
While Atlas hits himself, the words "Unilateral Force-Induced Isokinetic Breakfast Trials" appear in the corner. But wait, it gets better!
Cave Johnson: "Then, run those robots through a regimen of trust exercises, creating a foundation of mutual respect, reinforced by the simulated bonds of artificial friendship. Inspiring stuff. And finally, we put that trust to the test! Bam!" [P-body pushes Atlas to its flaming destruction in exactly the same way the human at the beginning of the trailer did.] "Robots gave us six extra seconds of cooperation! Good job, robots."
From the trailer on turrets, how they 'fit' the bullets in, and Cave Johnson going over the various "styles" turrets come in.
"They come in hundreds of designer colours, including Forest, Desert (I'm different!), Table, er, Evening at the Improv, what idiot picked the-"
Then there's the turret design. All the turrets are loaded simply by dumping a huge pile of ammunition in from the top. Plus, they are built with an empathy chip... and an empathy suppressor.
Also, in that line-up, the last turret on the line is facing the wrong way.
At the end, a turret is assigned to guard a baby's room, making you wonder if Valve readsVG Cats.
"We fire the whole bullet! That's 65% more bullet per bullet!"
And now from Boots, you have a test subject flinging himself across a room from approximately 600 meters above the ground (according to Aperture's scale). However, the test subject has no heel protection and smashes into the ground, even flailing wildly before impact (a nice touch for first person). Two EMI doctors rush up with a stretcher to examine the damage... and they take the broken portal gun instead of the person with no limbs. Then, to add insult to injury, a Panel scoops the person's remains up into a fire pit, before closing over to make it look like nothing ever happened.
Cave's exact words: "Reproducable human error." You are not part of the control group, indeed.
More Cave goodness:
"We know how to make a quantum space hole." "I'm not going to lie to you, it's expensive as hell." "We're between banks right now, just make those checks out to cash."
And the portal gun schematics, which includes two miniature German stick grenades... and a miniature black hole.
Note: If the Device fails to produce portals, the Miniature Black Hole may need to be restarted by carefully tossing one (1) or both (2) of the Miniature Stick Grenades into it. Note: The sudden absence of a steady whirring sound may indicate a Miniature Black Hole Cooling Fan Battery failure. Quickly disassemble the Ring Singularity Harness, pry apart the upper and lower Ring Singularity Rings, and gently remove the Event Horizon Estimation Wheel. Then, while running directly away from the device, use the Wheel to precisely determine an estimated minimum safe stopping distance.
And note that these boots, which have obvious military and civilian uses, are designed with the sole purpose of preventing testing equipment from being damaged. That's Aperture Science in a nutshell.
While the Lab Rat comic is generally sad, GLaDOS gives us this gem:
We see that in Chell's file, when asked a series of questions, she refused to answer and instead wrote "The Cake Is A Lie"... in binary.
The Turret Lullaby comic, basically an extended version of the ending gag in the Turrets trailer. The scientists are testing using the turret to guard an infant (a robotic test dummy) from an intruder (also a robot), but the noise from the turret always wakes it up.
After the first failed test, they argue about who has to go in to shut the turret off. One eventually lifts a floor panel and just pokes it over with a stick.
The Turret-Mobile, a bunch of strung-up turrets on a mobile to sooth the child. Predictably, they end up spraying the room with gunfire trying to hit the intruder, "killing" the baby.
The ending has them equip the turret to play a lullaby after making the baby cry, which works.
The test baby is soothed! Ship it!
One of the notes on the Think With Portals blog could slot right into the game with no effort. When revealing "Peer Review":
Voice: The award is launched! Wheatley: [excitedly] This is it! After all this time, I'm going home! I'm going bloody home! I can't believe it— [is hit by the award and is sent flying off] And, off I go... Don't even get to keep the trophy. Of course. Ah, maybe next year...
The Perpetual Testing Initiative DLC trailer. Highlights include:
The Rube-Goldbergian method of making one panel, including a diamond-tipped cutting machine that spits out "used" diamonds into an incinerator every five seconds, the "Ballistic Turing Test" of getting turrets to shoot it, and the forklift truck that carries the newly-boxed panel about five feet (then unboxes it immediately.)
"That's where you come in. We need blueprints. We're about to run the greatest con game in all of the universe, and you are the bottleneck. Yes, YOU!" [Stick figure turns from his computer desk to wave to the screen] "Get back to work." [Stick figure resumes banging on keyboard, faster, glancing at screen]
A Note About Getting Back to Work: In the event that you are reading this, get back to work. This Aperture Science Extra-Earth Outsourcing and Perpetual Testing Initiative Employee Orientation Video is for internal use only. Do not distribute to other Earths.
As always, Cave Johnson's lines are pure gold.
Why are they agreeing to do this? They're not, we're tricking them. Look at the sad little octopus!
The small print that displays when the octopus is sitting at its desk: "This is not a dramatization. An earth where sea mollusks have evolved an advanced land-based society with wholly inappropriate bipedal keyboards is guaranteed to exist."
The way the Blog is written in this post lets you know they work with the Team Fortress 2 team. The jab at "first" commenters is nice, too.
First they quote a few reviews on how easy it is to use the editor and then they demonstrate, concluding:
It works! We did it. The gaming press are not liars.* * About this specifically.