Good morning! You have been in suspension for- *FIFTY* -days. In compliance with state and federal regulations, all testing candidates in the Aperture Science Extended Relaxation Center must be revived periodically for a mandatory physical and mental wellness exercise.
You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look up at the ceiling. *BZZZZ!*
Good. You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look down at the floor. *BZZZZ!*
Good. This completes the gymnastics portion of your mandatory physical and mental wellness exercise.
There is a framed painting on the wall. Please go stand in front of it.
This, is "art". When you hear the buzzer, stare at the art. *BZZZZ!*
You should now feel mentally reinvigorated. If you suspect staring at art has not provided the required intellectual sustenance, reflect briefly on this classical music. [Classical music, interrupted by *BZZZZ!*]
—Announcer, giving the first lines in the game.
Good morning. You have been in suspension for- *NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE ...
This courtesy call is to inform you that all Test Subjects should vacate the Enrichment center, immediately. Any Test Subject not emerging from suspension at this time will be assumed to have exercised his or her right to remain in Extended Relaxation, for the duration, of the destruction of this facility. If you have questions or concerns regarding this policy, or if you require a Spanish language version of this message, feel free to take a complementary piece of stationary from the desk drawer in front of you, and write us a letter. Good luck.
Good work getting this far, future starter! That said, if you are simple-minded, old, or irradiated in such a way that the future should not start with you, please return to your primitive tribe, and send back someone better qualified for testing.
Do you know the biggest lesson I learned from what you did?
We're a lot alike, you and I.
You tested me. I tested you.
You killed me. I—oh, no, wait. I guess I haven't killed you yet.
Well, food for thought.
Great work! Because this message is prerecorded, any observations related to your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Those of you who signed up to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news, and, some bad news. Bad news is, we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is, we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis-men! Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line; you'll know when the test starts.
Alright, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life, take back the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons, what am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! Make life, rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons, do you know who I am? I'm the man who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm gonna get my engineers, to invent a combustible lemon, that burns your house down!
Burning people! He says what we're all thinking!
Here is a rough translation of the french dub:
Cave Johnson: Well, I've given it much thinking... When life makes you stumble, picking yourself up isn't quite enough...
Cave Johnson: you gotta bust her kneecaps, that whore!
Cave Johnson: An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth! Try to pick yourself up now, bitch!
GLaDOS: Go on! Break her kneecaps!
Cave Johnson: I swear life will dearly regret that day she dared make Cave Johnson stumble! You know who I am? I'm the big bad wolf who'll make your house collapse! I will order my engineers...
GLaDOS: I like that guy...
Cave Johnson: ...to set kneecaps on your house so I can bust'em! *cough*
GLaDOS: He dares to say out loud what everyone think deep inside.
That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks "stupid". Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably -— Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!
Holmes versus Moriarty... Aristotle versus MASHY-SPIKE-PLATE!
Tell it to the bad guy. Maybe you'll make him so bored his brain will explode.
Hey, you know who found that interesting? Nobody. That didn't affect anybody's life in anyway whatsoever. Life would be exactly the same if you hadn't said anything.
Do you ever notice nobody stops what they're doin' to listen? We don't care.
Say one useful thing. One! I dare ya! I would give you a hundred dollars if you say one thing remotely impactful to anything at all!''
—Rick the Adventure Sphere (various responses to the Fact Core)
''Oh shut up. There's nothing in space! That's why it's space!
Y'know what I hope is in space? Fire. I hope you go to space, and you catch on fire.
Damnit, we know! Everybody knows! Space! You! IN IT! WE GET IT!!!
—Rick the Adventure Sphere (various responses to the Space Core)
Normal Voice: Dad, I'm in space.
Deeper Voice: I'm proud of you son.
Normal Voice: Dad, are you space?
Deeper Voice: Yes, now we are family again.
No tricks. This potato only generates 1.1 volts of electricity. I literally do not have the energy to lie to you.
Crushing's too good for him. First he'll spend a year in the incinerator. Year two? Cryogenic refrigeration wing. Then TEN years in the chamber I built where all the robots scream at you. Then I'll kill him.
GLaDOS: You know, being Caroline taught me a valuable lesson: I thought you were my greatest enemy, when all along you were my best friend. The surge of emotion that shot through me when I saved your life taught me an even more valuable lesson: Where Caroline lives in my brain.
Announcer: CAROLINE DELETED
GLaDOS: Goodbye, Caroline. You know, deleting Caroline just now taught me a valuable lesson: The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest. Killing you? Is hard. You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life. And then you showed up. You dangerous. mute. lunatic. So you know what? You win. Just go. (Soft laughter) It's been fun. Don't come back.''
By completing all test courses, you have achieved Level C security clearance. You may now access all testing courses, and 3 of Aperture Science's 176 restrooms.
If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, god help you.
Cave Johnson, we're done here. Chariots, chariots.