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Funny: Babylon 5
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    Susan Ivanova 
  • "On your way back, I'd like you to practice the Babylon 5 Mantra: Ivanova is always right. I will listen to Ivanova. I will not ignore Ivanova's recommendations. Ivanova is God. And if this ever happens again, Ivanova will personally rip your lungs out! Babylon Control out. [to herself] Civilians. [glances upward] Just kidding about the God thing. No offense?"
    • There's also a Funny Background Event: the crew in the background stop what they're doing as she goes on and then she shoots them a look which pretty much says "Get back to work!"
  • Explaining that she can command the White Star, because she's been practicing her Minbari:
    Engines at full, high power, hatrack ratcatcher, to port weapons, brickbat lingerie.
    • When Ivanova leaves soon after, Delenn tells Lennier that anyone who laughs at Ivanova's... creative Minbari, would answer to her personally. The mental image of a Minbari laughing at something like this sends the entire moment over the top.
  • In the opening of season 2, we get a Captain's Log voiceover describing how Sinclair has been recalled to Earth, Ivanova is de facto commander, and things have gone "straight to hell." We see Ivanova walk into an elevator, accompanied by a gaggle of very angry, very loud diplomats and businessmen complaining about...everything. The elevator doors open again...
    Ivanova: And as far as I'm concerned the transports can wait until the sun explodes! And if you are not happy with the seating arrangements, I will personally order your seats to be moved outside, down the hall, across the station, and into the fusion reactor! Am I absolutely, perfectly clear on this?
    [all nod, terrified, and slink away]
    Ivanova (Captain's Log continues): I can only conclude that I am paying off karma at a vastly accelerated rate.
  • When Londo complains that his doll figurine doesn't have the six Centauri reproductive tentacles:
    Ivanova: So you feel you're being symbolically cast— in a bad light?
  • The "human-style sex" sequence in "Acts of Sacrifice." After tricking the alien ambassador (who has insisted on sex as a method of consummating a treaty) into insisting on Human sex, she dances around him, reciting the sequence of a one-night stand, culminating in an epic fake orgasm:
    Ivanova: Tell me about your portfolio. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes! Lie to me about your family! Oh...yeeeeeeesssss!
    • And capping it off beautifully at the end of the episode, she gets a note from the alien ambassador:
    "Next time, my way."
  • In "Voices of Authority," the new Political Officer tries to seduce Sheridan—she strips naked (impressively, in the time it takes him to turn around and pour drinks)—just as Ivanova appears via holoprojection. He grabs her into a distracting kiss, then slips out to speak briefly to Ivanova, who gives him a status report and closes with a Star Trek Shout-Out:
    Ivanova: Good luck, Captain. I think you're about to go where everyone has gone before.
    • It may or may not have been intentional, but she even raises a Fascinating Eyebrow when she says this!
      • Sheridan gets his own CMOA in the same scene. After he returns to the political officer, he glances briefly at her bare chest and says "It must be colder in here than I thought."
    • From the same episode, Ivanova's "I love surprises" speech to Draal. His answer?
      Draal: (laughing heartily) I like you. You're trouble.
      Ivanova (genuinely pleased): Thank you! That's the nicest thing anybody's said about me in days.
  • When Marcus tells Ivanova he's a virgin:
    Ivanova: Wow, I thought First Ones were rare.
    • Later, Marcus tells Ivanova that the ship's scanners are picking something up:
      Ivanova: What is it, a unicorn?
  • The look on Ivanova's face when the newly half-human Delenn thanks her for her help understanding hair, and asks, "Can you tell me why I've been getting these...odd cramps?"
  • When the station fails to explode or disappear.
    Garibaldi: No "boom"?
    Sinclair: No boom.
    Ivanova: No boom today. Boom tomorrow. There's always a Boom tomorrow.
    *Beat*, as Sinclair and Garibaldi wordlessly walk away.
    Ivanova: What? Look, somebody's gotta have some damn perspective around here! Boom. Sooner or later. BOOM!
  • The season 4 episode "Atonement" sees Ivanova invited to a Drazi religious festival. She looks forward to it, believing it to be a big bash. Two scenes later, Sheridan walks upon a garland-littered Ivanova stumbling out of a transport tube, shoving away a semi-conscious Drazi and using a cane to stay upright.
    Sheridan: What the…?
  • Sheridan comes barging into Ivanova's quarters in the middle of the night to discuss an idea he's had to counter President Clark's propaganda against them. The following exchange occurs. (The "Nice Outfit" scene.)
  • Ivanova has threatened to airlock a reporter. The reporter is not amused and takes it to Sheridan. Sheridan - absolutely deadpan - proceeds to ream Ivanova out:
    Sheridan: Commander, did you threaten to throw this man by the collar out of an airlock?
    Ivanova: Yes I did.
    Sheridan: I'm shocked. Shocked and dismayed. I'd remind you that we are short on supplies here. We can't afford to take perfectly good clothing and throw it out into space! Always take the jacket off first, I've told you that before! Sorry, she meant to say stripped naked and thrown out an airlock. I apologize for any confusion this might have caused.
    • And to continue the joke:
    Reporter: ...we knew, if you found out we were a news crew, you wouldn't let us on the station.
    Sheridan: Well, that assumption was your first mistake. We have an open-door policy.
    Ivanova: And an open-airlock policy.
    Sheridan: Commander!
    Ivanova: Sorry.
    • A more subtle bit of funny: Despite all the malicious editing and outright falsification in their report to make B5 look as villainous as possible, the reporters leave the entire "airlock" exchange out, which at least suggests that they don't think threatening to throw reporters out the airlock is an unusual enough thing to mark someone as particularly evil.
  • Ivanova does not like the Psi-Corps.
    Ivanova: You know how I feel about telepaths.
    Sheridan: Do I ever. You threw one out a third-story window on Io.
    Ivanova: There was an ample pool below the window!
    Sheridan: I'll assume you knew that.
  • Ivanova and Brother Edward are watching Sheridan and Theo play a game of chess, and debating on whose boss is going to win. Ivanova asks Edward if he's willing to make a wager on it, and he replies thus:
    Brother Edward: Gambling is one of the lesser sins. I've always thought if you're gonna sin you may as well go for one of the really big ones.
    • This becomes considerably Harsher in Hindsight when Brother Edward's past (which, thanks to a mind-wipe, not even he knows when he says this line) is revealed.

    Marcus Cole 
  • "Several ships reported seeing something rather 'god-like' in that area, and since neither you nor I were there..."
    • When Ivanova calls him out on the "delusions of grandeur", he replies: "Well, if you're going to have delusions, you might as well hold out for the really satisfying ones."
  • Crosses over with Awesome, but when Delenn is kidnapped, Marcus walks into one of the roughest bars in Downbelow, sits down at a table full of thugs, and calmly explains that if they don't tell him what he wants to know, then in five minutes he'll be the only person at the table still conscious, and five minutes after that, he'll be the only person in the room still conscious. Ten minutes later...
    Marcus: Bugger. Now I have to wait for someone to wake up!
  • Ivanova insists that she will not let a ship full of incredibly old, incredibly powerful First Ones leave without agreeing to what she's offering.
    Marcus: Really? How do you propose stopping them? Perhaps a big red and white sign with the word stop on it? I'll put a bucket on my head and pretend to be the ancient Vorlon god Booji...
  • Marcus gets the impression Ivanova is not paying attention to his report:
    Marcus: And they have much to be concerned about. There's always the threat of an attack by, say, a giant space dragon, the kind that eats the sun every thirty days. It's a nuisance, but what can you expect from reptiles? Did I mention that my nose is on fire, and that I have fifteen wild badgers living in my trousers?
    [Ivanova finally looks at him, witheringly.]
    Marcus: I'm sorry. Would you prefer ferrets?
  • While on a transport to Mars on an undercover mission with Dr. Franklin:
    Dr. Franklin: This is the kind of conversation that can only end in a gunshot.
    • In the next episode, Marcus keeps forcing Franklin to play "I Spy" with him, even though the only things they can see are stars and boxes.
    Dr. Franklin: [sotto vocce] And that's when I shot him, Your Honor.
  • After listening to a Not So Different speech from Neroon (who had spent most of the episode beating him to a pulp before realizing this): "The next time you want a revelation, could you possibly find a method that isn't quite so uncomfortable?"
  • Revealing that the Rangers have a saying that to understand anything Sinclair says, you'd have to look into a hundred mirrors while hanging upside down.
    • "Does it work?" "Well, that or you pass out and have a vision...so, either way."

    Londo Mollari 
  • Londo, now Prime Minister of Centauri Prime, has gone home—with G'Kar in tow as a bodyguard. A Centauri official comes to arrest G'Kar:
    Londo: Where he goes, I go. [to G'Kar] Don't worry. Even one as arrogant as this would not take it upon himself to imprison his own prime minister.
    Londo: Shut up.
    G'Kar: I didn't say anything...
    • And how does Londo get out while saving face?
    G'Kar: I need to concentrate [...] [on] last night's supper.
    Londo: Thank you! Who knew they could make such a stench as that? Great Maker, I don't even want to think about it. I couldn't stay in there a moment longer. And the smell was not the worst of it. It was the burning in my eyes! I think my buttons are melting!
  • Politics on Babylon 5 can be odd, and Londo Mollari doesn't always like it.
    Londo Mollari: This is madness! How much longer will this Council be held hostage to its missing members? Their behavior is inexcusable.
    Lennier: Ambassador Delenn remains indisposed.
    Londo Mollari: "Indisposed." She's in a cocoon!
    Lennier: Yes? [implied: "So?"]
    Londo Mollari: [to Na'Toth] And you. Do you have any idea when Ambassador G'Kar will decide to grace us with his presence? For that matter do you have any idea where he is ...There, you see? [1] One deserts his post without any explanation. The other one picks the most breathtakingly inconvenient moment possible to explore new career options. Like becoming a butterfly!
    • Just as good, he then calls for a vote to reprimand both Minbari and Narn goverments and demand for replacement representatives. When neither Sheridan, Na'Toth nor Lenier support him, he turns to Kosh expectantly, who responds with a tilt of his "head" and a slight switch of his "eye" shutter, as if saying: "Seriously? You expected me to respond to your petty squabbles?"
  • After Vir gets some bad news and tries to drink away the pain:
    Londo: Ah, your first hangover. I remember my first hangover...Well, that's not true. If I remembered it, it wouldn't be a real hangover.
  • Londo has been having a bad year, mostly dealing with G'Kar:
    Londo: But this - this, this, this is like being nibbled to death by... what are those Earth creatures called? Feathers, long bill, webbed feet, go "quack"?
    Vir: ... Cats!
    Londo: Cats. Being nibbled to death by cats.
  • During a Centauri religious celebration, Londo gets blind drunk, and crawls across the table, telling Delenn she is "cute for a Minbari," (this is before the transformation) and Garibaldi that he is "cute too, in an annoying sort of way." Finally:
    Londo: Everybody's cute. Everybody's cute! Even me. But in purple...I'm stunning! [thud]
    Vir: Ah! He has become one with his inner self!
    Garibaldi: He's passed out.
    Vir: That too.
  • Londo, explaining to the station captain about the temperature problems in his quarters:
    Londo: When I said my quarters were cold, I did not mean, "Oh, I think it's a little chilly in here, perhaps I'll throw a blanket on the bed." No, I said it was cold, as in "Oh, my left arm has snapped off like an icicle and shattered on the floor!"
  • Londo finds an insect in his quarters. A big one. And ends up impaling it with his ceremonial duelling sword.
    Londo: *To insect on end of sword* HA HA! There, you see! This will teach you to... Trifle with a Centauri, you triple-damned... *Examines it closer* You know that... You know that you are smaller than I thought you were?
    [beat]
    Londo: ...You are smaller. There are more of you!... THERE ARE MORE OF YOU!
    **Later in the episode**
    Londo: If you see something this big with eight legs coming your way, let me know. I have to kill it before it develops language skills.
    • Also, his complaint to maintenance:
    No, you listen to me. I do not like insects. I do not like little brown things with eight legs. I do not like _anything_ with eight legs. Well, except for the Vinzini. But only because they are terrible at cards. Something to do with compound eyes, I think.
  • Londo explains to Delenn and Draal that he has been studying Humans, and he's getting vexed about something:
    Londo: Six thousand years of recorded history, a history that includes remarkable composers, astonishing symphonies...but. What is the one song that half of them sing to their children generation after generation? "You put your right hand in, you put your right hand out, you put your whole self in, and you turn yourself about. You do the Hokey Pokey, you give a little shout. That's what it's all about!" It doesn't mean anything! I have been studying it for seven days. I had the computer analyze it. I swear to you, it does not mean A THING!
    • You know what was even funnier? Draal whispering to Delenn that he likes that song.
      • And Delenn imploring him not to tell Londo.
  • Mollari to Vir: "As you advance in politics, you lose friends. There are only those who wish to use you, and those who you wish to use. How you have managed to walk the paths of power completely untouched is beyond me. I can only assume that you have not been paying attention."
  • Upon hearing that, as a reward for his service to the Empire, Londo will be given one thing within the Emperor's power to grant. His wish?
    Londo: A DIVORCE!
    • Of course, Londo had already stated his feelings about his wives in a previous episode:
    Londo: Here. Look. These are my three wives: Pestilence, Famine, and Death. Do you think I married them for their personalities? Their personalities could shatter entire planets! Arranged marriages. Every one. But they worked out, they inspired me! Knowing that they were waiting at home for me is what keeps me here — 75 light-years away!
  • Londo Mollari is the gift that keeps on giving.
    Londo: You have that vacant look in your eyes that says, "Hold my head to your ear: you will hear the sea!"
  • And of course, this doozy from "Born To The Purple":
    Londo: What do you want, you moon-faced assassin of joy?
  • Trying to convince Delenn to agree to Vir being assigned as the Centauri envoy to Minbar.
    Londo: He wouldn't even try to spy on you. He would consider it rude.
  • Vir confronts Londo about the latter's habit of rewriting his reports on other races to be more "politically appropriate" (so that the Centauri empire always sounds superior and the others seem like uncivilized rabble). Despite seeing Londo's true colors as a mightier-than-thou Centauri, his comment on politics is hilarious:
    Vir Cotto: I thought the purpose of filing these reports was to provide accurate intelligence!
    Londo: Vir, intelligence has nothing to do with politics!
  • Virtually everything Londo says in "By Any Means Necessary" qualifies, but this exchange, regarding a G'Quon-eth plant present on the station, is a side-splitter:
    G'kar: Well, who has it!?
    Na'Toth: Ambassador Mollari.
    G'Kar: WHAT!!?
    Londo: (waving his fingers and cackling): YOO-HOO!
  • From "Geometry of Shadows," we get this lovely exchange after Londo is cyber-cursed by a Technomage.
    Vir: You could always...apologize
    Londo: Apologize? Never!
    Computer: Congratulations. You are now the owner of 500,000 shares of Fireflies Incorporated
    Londo: On the other hand...
  • Londo's story of his first marriage to an exotic dancer who helped him out of a slump. Even Garibaldi (the person he was trying to cheer up with the story) has to admit it was Actually Pretty Funny.
    Londo: The next day, I woke up. I saw her in the light of day, sleeping against my arm, and I decided I would rather chew off my arm than wake her up.
    Garibaldi: Oh, that's sweet.
    Londo: No, no. She had a voice that could curdle fresh milk.

    Michael Garibaldi 
  • Sinclair and Garibaldi lull Ivanova to sleep at breakfast, then trick her into thinking that she'd slept through the entire meal and was late for duty. She races off, Sinclair exits (telling Garibaldi that he'll inform next-of-kin), and Garibaldi waits:
    Garibaldi: Three... two... one...
    Ivanova (screaming): Oh! Garibaldi, you're a dead man!
  • Talia is standing outside an elevator and tells Sinclair that she's afraid to get into one, because every time she does, Mr. Garibaldi seems to be there. Sinclair informs her that Mr. Garibaldi is good, but he's not omniscient. Cue the elevator doors opening, and... well, you fill in the rest.
    Talia: I think I'll take the stairs.
    Sinclair: I think I'll join you.
    • Sure enough, if we check earlier episodes, every time we actually see Talia actually get into an elevator, Mr. Garibaldi is always there.
    • Gets better: in the comics, Garibaldi then saves Talia from an assassin... by walking out of the elevator.
  • When Garibaldi finally wakes up after having been shot In the Back, what are the first words out of his mouth to Franklin?
    Garibaldi: What's up, Doc?
  • Garibaldi's Refuge in Audacity rescue of Ivanova in "The Geometry of Shadows". He appears at the place where she's being held, doing his best imitation of a fast-talking door-to-door salesman.
    Garibaldi: [to the male Drazi answering the door] Well, how do ya do, sir, I'm looking for the lady of the house. Assuming you're not the lady of the house.
    [Garibaldi tries to move in further; the Drazi blocks him.]
    Garibaldi: Anyway, I'm here to sell you something to make your life easier, cleaner, and all-around happier. Yessir, the Acme Handy-Dandy Micro-Helper, right here in this box. If you'll just allow me to demonstrate—
    [Again, Garibaldi tries to move in further; again, the Drazi stops him.]
    Garibaldi: —this...will only take a moment. Well well well, I can see this is gonna be a hard sell.
    [Meanwhile, the Drazi guarding Ivanova has lowered his knife, distracted by Garibaldi's song-and-dance.]
    Garibaldi: This is just my little way of helping, so trust me, okay? Now, as a matter of fact, if there's anybody here who needs a little help, just say the word and I'm here.
    Ivanova: [as she gives the Drazi guarding her a vicious elbow in the gut] Garibaldi!
    [Garibaldi punches out the other Drazi, then finishes off the first one.]
  • Garibaldi dodging the questions of an EarthForce intelligence agent regarding the sudden absence of Sheridan and Ivanova:
    Garibaldi: What kind of security chief would I be if I told myself about it?
    • He then uses the same Insane Troll Logic to assure the agent that he won't tell himself about the agent speaking to G'Kar.
      Garibaldi: I try never to get involved in my own life. Too much trouble.
      Agent: ...This is a strange place you have here.
      Garibaldi: (cheerfully) Thank you!
  • G'Kar describes his activities during his incarceration:
    G'Kar: Sometimes I even sing!
    Garibaldi: I know. There's a petition.
    G'Kar: For or against?
    Garibaldi: Based on the sound, they think we're torturing you.
  • Garibaldi finds out that Sheridan and Captain Lochley used to be married.

    Everyone Else / Multiple 
  • Vir: "M-maybe he won't even get that much out, he'll just say 'LON- AACK!'" The utterly over-the-top gagging sound and hands-over-throat gesture (for a toxin that kills by stopping the victim's hearts, no less) just make it better.
    • More from Vir: He and a slightly inebriated Londo have just finished a discussion on the riggers of Fate. As Londo leaves, Vir notices his unfinished drink, takes a sip, nods, then down the rest of the glass. As he stands up straight to leave... He passes out then and there.
  • Londo and G'Kar get stuck in a broken elevator for an entire episode. This is the cue for a Very Special Episode about enemies reconciling their differences and working together, right? Not so much. G'Kar decides to do nothing and hope Londo dies. He can't kill Londo himself, or the Centauri will retaliate by killing 500 Narns. But this wouldn't be killing Londo, would it? G'Kar spends the whole episode giggling hysterically at Londo's desperation. Just at the end, as they hear the work crews and realize they'll be saved:
    Londo: Go be the ambassador to Babylon 5, they said. It will be an easy assignment. Ah, I hate my life.
    G'Kar: So do I.
    Londo: SHUT! UP!!
    • Even better: the scene was written with G'Kar explaining that he won't help Londo even at the cost of his own life in dead seriousness. It was Andreas Katsulas' idea to have G'Kar be laughing hysterically through the entire explanation, which J. Michael Straczynski first learned about when he had to stop moving when filming started, and could only wonder what scene they were shooting with G'Kar laughing so much. He now considers it the funniest scene of the whole show.
    • The entire elevator scene was golden.
      G'kar: *While giggling* I don't have to kill you. I don't have to do anything! And I still get to watch you die! I find this most appealing!
      Londo: This is insane! We must work together!
      G'Kar: ...No. As the humans say: "Up yours, die." *Continues giggling*
  • Spacing the teddy bear. So good, it got a Shout-Out on another TV show.
    • The scenario in all its hilarity. Throughout the episode, a gift shop was being run on the station, causing certain amounts of embarrassment. Sheridan had liked the whole idea...until Ivanova presented him with a "J.S." teddy bear. He then ordered the whole works off the station by morning. But he kept the bear. Later, C&C gets a UFO contact and sends Lt. Keffer out in a Starfury to investigate. After a little searching around, said teddy bear suddenly ends up against his cockpit window, before slowly sliding off. When C&C asks if he can describe what he sees, he replies:
    Lt. Keffer: "I don't think so. Not on a bet."
  • Pretty much anything with Zathras:
    Zathras: You take, Zathras die. You leave, Zathras die. Either way, it is bad for Zathras.
    Zathras: Out of time? Cannot run out of time! There is infinite time. You are finite. Zathras is finite. This...is wrong tool. Never use this.
    Zathras: Zathras is used to being beast of burden to other people's needs. Very sad life. Probably have very sad death. But at least there is symmetry.
    • When Zathras explains that they each have different pronunciations for their names, he then gives examples... that involve saying it in the exact same way.
    • Also, Zathras' brother (also Zathras) telling Susan that Zathras was "the quiet one in the family".
  • Sheridan and Lennier in the elevator, after Lennier "observed" (in an official religious capacity) one of the pre-marriage rituals between Sheridan and Delenn.
    Lennier (after an awkward silence): "Woo-hoo"?
  • Dr. Franklin is trying to study pak'ma'ra biology and instead learns two funny things. First, although notorious carrion eaters, there are some things even they can't take (like inorganic compounds), and second, when a pak'ma'ra vomits…it can be messy.
    • And Franklin and Garibaldi mention something known about the pak'ma'ra which is news to the audience: They think Narn Tastes Like Chicken.
  • G'Kar is worried about becoming a religious leader.
    G'Kar: I worry, Ta'Lon, that my shadow may become greater than the message.
    Ta'Lon: If that happens, I give you my word that I will personally kill you.
    G'Kar: And this is supposed to put my mind at ease?
  • Several good ones in the episode where G'Kar becomes Londo's bodyguard on Centauri.
    Centauri Minister: Is that why you brought it [G'Kar] along?
    Londo Mollari: No, he is still here as my bodyguard, that's all. Where I go, he goes.
    Centauri Minister: My condolences.
    G'Kar: Thank you. It's a burden, but I've come to accept it.
  • "Green...and Purple!"
    • See WikiQuote for a hundred more examples.
      Ivanova: You're saying just because I'm holding this right now, I'm Green leader? But I'm human!
      Former Drazi Leader: Rules of combat older than contact with other races. Did not mention aliens. Rules change… caught up in committee. Not come through yet.
    • She then proceeds to take advantage of the situation and ends the war by leading (on crutches) the entire Green Drazi contingent to the Quartermaster so they will "look absolutely gorgeous in purple!"
  • Lennier finds a coma preferable to a Centauri medal.
  • Sheridan is scheduled to be sworn in as president of the Interstellar Alliance in a ceremony on Babylon 5. He asked G'Kar to write up the terms of the alliance, as well as an oath of office. The ceremony was interrupted by an assassination attempt against Sheridan, postponed for later, and then interupted again by another attempt by the same assassin, this time piloting a Starfury and trying to fire upon the station from the outside. G'Kar, annoyed at the second interruption of his speech, addresses the soon-to-be President Sheridan thusly:
    G'Kar: You want to be President?
    Sheridan (with something less than total conviction): Yes.
    G'Kar: Put your hand on the book and say "I do".
    Sheridan: I do.
    G'Kar: Fine. Done. Let's eat.
  • Londo explains that he has full confidence in Vir to handle a negotiation and leaves. Insulted, G'Kar says that he has full confidence in Ko'Dath and leaves as well. Each one says one last thing to his aide:
    "Don't give away the homeworld."
  • In "Dust to Dust," Bester and Garibaldi are on stakeout tracking a drug ring:
    Garibaldi: And if I had a baseball bat, we could hang you from the ceiling and play piñata.
    Bester: A piñata, huh? So you think of me as something bright and cheerful, full of toys and candy for young children. Thank you! That makes me feel much better about our relationship.
  • The entirety of "Rumors, Bargains, and Lies". Sheridan unleashes the funniest Kansas City Shuffle ever.
    • Before that, when Sheridan is concocting his plan during breakfast, he is sitting off in the corner cackling to himself while the rest of the crew looks on with concern. Finally, Sheridan pounds his fist on the table in glee, causing all the food to bounce and Ivanova to yelp in shock. After he runs off, Ivanova sniffs his coffee cup to see if he'd been drinking alcohol, then decides that it's just because Delenn's been away for a few weeks.
  • In Season 5, a Drazi tries to plant a bug in a bag of fruit he sells Vir. When it's discovered, the Drazi refuses to apologize, giving Vir a brief "The Reason You Suck" Speech. Vir, seemingly cowed, leaves... heads straight to Londo's quarters, grabs a sword off the wall, and returns. He hacks up the fruit stand, holds his sword to the Drazi's throat, and asks:
    Vir: Now... want to finish our little conversation, spoo-for-brains?
    • "Something I can do for you, Vir?" "No, I just need to borrow this for a minute—" (waves sword in the air) "—I'll be right back."
      • Following along out of curiosity, Londo watches the resulting aggressive haggling with great enjoyment; as someone asks him what's going on, he states that "Now he is ready to be the Ambassador for the Centauri", with the "Now" meaning "Now that he's finally grown a spine and started acting like a proper Centauri, I'll tell him when he calms down."
  • One morning, Garibaldi is kind of irked:
    Garibaldi: You know, I've been stuck in this tin can for three years. I haven't taken a vacation—okay, okay, it's my fault, I had the leave coming, I just didn't take it—and the pay sucks, I knew that when I signed on, and nobody said I'd survive the job. Now, I give you all that. But where in my contract does it say I have to eat the same food for breakfast...every day...for three years?
    Sheridan: Paragraph 47, subsection 19, clause 9A. You can find it in the index under S.U.A.E.I.
    Garibaldi: S...U...A.E.I.?
    Sheridan and Ivanova (in perfect unison): Shut Up And Eat It.
  • Garibaldi and a security officer are breaking into the station post office to retrieve a package:
    Garibaldi: What are you so nervous about? We went up against the entire Earth Alliance and two carrier groups.
    Officer: But this is the post office. This could get us in real trouble.
  • In a blooper in In the Shadow of Z'Ha'Dum, when Sheridan points to a viewscreen showing Morden and says "He is supposed to be dead!", Ed Wasser promptly keels over.
  • Quality of Mercy: Londo had invited Lennier to a play round of cards. There is humor all around. First, Lennier is a very humble and religious sort, yet despite this he performs very well at the card table. Meanwhile, we see Londo open a button on his fly. Later on, we see a tentacle surreptitiously moving cards around...until Londo is caught cheating. After the whole fracas is over, Lennier asks what it was about, and Londo patiently explains to him the Centauri reproductive system. The tentacle was actually one of his genitalia.
  • Oh, come on... no one's put this moment up yet?
    Sheridan: I tell ya, the next person who acts irrationally, I swear I'm gonna shoot myself in the head.
    (Delenn immediately bursts in)
    Delenn: Bastards!
    Franklin: Did she just...?
    Sheridan: She did.
    Franklin: I'll get the gun.
    Sheridan: Delenn, are you...?
    Delenn: BASTARDS!
    • What makes it even funnier: Delenn, and most Minbari, are better known for displaying their anger in Tranquil Fury. But now, we seen Delenn well and truly (and hotly) pissed off.
  • Lennier has been up two days making a ceremonial meal for Sheridan, and if Sheridan makes one mistake in the proper way to eat it, he'll have to do it all again. Just watch Bill Mumy's face through the whole scene. And then Sheridan gets called away and Lennier's respone is one of the few times that Translation Convention isn't used, letting us imagine whatever profanity we want.
    • At least one gag reel subtitled that exchange as follows:
      Lennier: That mother f----- didn't even taste my flarn!
      Delenn: Your flarn sucks anyway!
  • Near the end of Parliment of Dreams, G'Kar and Na'Toth have an exchange with the assassin. Their cheerful delivery sells it:
    G'Kar: You will know pain—
    Na'Toth: —and you will know fear—
    G'Kar: —and then you will die. Have a pleasant flight!
    • What makes it even funnier is that said assassin had said the same words earlier to G'Kar (this time as Evil Gloating, as they were his instructions on what to inflict on him). Turning his own words on him even as he's forced (by his guild's code) to go on the run was both very funny and very satisfying.
  • Ivanova and Brother Edward are watching Brother Theo and Captain Sheridan play chess, and debate over who is going to win. Ivanova challenges the monk to bet money on it.
    Brother Edward: Gambling is one of the lesser sins. I've always thought that if you are going to sin you should go for one of the really big ones.
  • Sheridan explaining to Delenn that he hasn't been able to get any sleep since Kosh died.
    Sheridan: I've been having the kind of nightmares that make your hair stand on end.
    Delenn: Well, that would explain the Centauri...
    • Don't forget what she said before after calling him "grouchy."
    Delenn: Never mind. Your face just broke the language barrier.
  • Delenn has accepted Garibaldi's invitation to watch old Looney Tunes cartoons, and is seen holding a single piece of popcorn between thumb and forefinger like it's a dead bug.
  • Zack Allen is being fitted for his new uniform by Minbari tailors, but Zack is fidgeting because he finds it uncomfortable (though he'd had similar complaints about his previous uniform), then goes on to make a dig about Minbari fashion sense (to be fair, Vorlon Encounter Suits are pretty snazzy). Annoyed, one of the tailors jabs him with a needle. Zack complains to Lennier, and Lennier says he'll talk to her. Turns out he told her (paraphrasing) "Good job, and next time, use a bigger needle."
  • Sinclair's marriage proposal to on-again, off-again girlfriend Catherine Sakai mixes this and heartwarming in equal measure, as he does it in typical Sinclair fashion.
    Sinclair: Look, do you want to get married or don't you?
    Sakai: [beaming from ear to ear] Yes.
    Sinclair: [goofy grin] Well, good. How's April by you?
    Sakai: July's better.
    Sinclair: All right. [huskily] You want coffee?
    Sakai: No.
    [cue passionate snogging]
  • In the audio commentary for In the Shadow of Z'Ha'Dum, it's revealed that the Vorlon Encounter suit is so cumbersome that the actor wearing it couldn't get through doors without turning sideways. Something about the image of the distinguished Vorlon ambassador having to turn sideways to get through a door is just hilarious. Also hilarious is the revelation that on the last day of shooting, the man who had to wear the encounter suit tied it to the back of his car and drove around the parking lot with it, because he just hated it so much.
  • Just about any conversation with Kosh that isn't deadly serious is funny, thanks to his fondness for Cryptic Conversation and the Mathematician's Answer, not to mention his tendency to be something of a dick to people when they make serious personal requests.
    Sinclair: I've never seen a monitor like that before. What is it?
    Kosh: Efficient....
    • Kosh's behaviour is further complicated by the fact that he also has a sense of humour (much to the surprise of nearly every other character). At the end of one typically confusing and uninformative exchange, Sheridan attempts to call him on being so cryptic:
    Sheridan: I really hate it when you do that.
    Kosh: (with great satisfaction) Good.
  • In the aftermath of their secession from Earth, the station is "rebooted" to get rid of any lingering surprises Clark's forces might have hidden in the software. Unfortunately, this temporarily replaces the station's standard computer with an obnoxious AI voiced by Harlan Ellison of all people. And Garibaldi is trapped in an elevator with it.
    Sparky the Computer: Oh, not that my feelings would have any meaning for you, but why are you having these people poke me all over the place. I'm a perfectly reasonable Artificial Personality. Nobody's ever complained before, but I guess some people just aren't happy unless they're messing it up for everyone else. You know, you really should stand up straight. Your mother and I have been worried about this for years. We've been trying to talk to you about it but...
    Garabaldi draws his gun and shoots the speaker.
    • In the script volumes, JMS talks about how he first asked his good friend Ellison to play the role, saying he needed someone who could be incredibly irritating with every word they said. And then it took him a good while to realize why Ellison didn't consider that much of a compliment.
  • Delenn has the damnedest gaps in her vocabulary. Mira Furlan just sells the whole thing.
    • Later on, we see that she has been working on expanding her vocabulary, evidently with Garibaldi's help.
    Delenn: Abso-fraggin-lutley, dammit.
  • When the heroes attempt to rescue Sheridan from Room101, Garibaldi tries to charm his way past the guards by appealing to his hero status (he was the one who betrayed Sheridan), which was big news on TV. Unfortunately, the guard is not impressed:
    The Guard: "I don't watch TV. It's a cultural wasteland filled with inappropriate metaphors and an unrealistic portrayal of life created by the liberal media elite."
    • Then shortly thereafter, when a drugged-up Sheridan sees Garibaldi among the rescue party springing him from Earth custody, and says in a slurred voice:
    Sheridan: "Michael... boy was I gonna kick your butt for something... but I don't remember."
  • When G'Kar is looking in Garibaldi's quarters for clues that might help to find him after he'd gone missing, he points to the picture of Daffy Duck hanging in the room and asks Zack if that's one of his household gods. Zack tells him that Daffy is "the ancient Egyptian God of Frustration." G'Kar finds it very appropriate.
  • In "Convictions", when a couple of Drazi pilgrims start touching and poking Zack Allen at customs, because the station and everything on it is supposedly blessed by the "supernatural" sighting witnessed in "The Fall of Night", and they want to "share in the blessing". Zack is annoyed by this, and tells them that a potted plant sitting nearby was more blessed than he was because it was supposedly sitting in close proximity to the miraculous event in question.
    Zack: "Why don't you go poke the plant for awhile, while I take care of your entry visas, okay?"
    • And the two proceed to the plant and start poking it.
  • The Vree. They look like The Greys, their starships are Flying Saucers, and descendants of UFO abductees are still suing the Vree for damages.
  • Zack Allen's straight-man customs agents act in Epiphanies(4x07)
    • First, Londo.
      Zack: You'll get your updates on who to hold and who to let through. Anything unusual gets flagged.
      Londo: And would I fall under the category of unusual, Mr. Allan?
      Zack: Well, didn't think we'd be seeing you again anytime soon, ambassador.
      Londo: Yes, I gathered that from the look of unvarnished joy on your face. Perhaps you'd like to sit down before you are overcome by ecstasy.
      Zack: Thanks, I'm fine. So, what happened? They get tired of you back home?
      Londo: Tired? No, of course not. Don't be absurd. Why, the emperor himself said I would only be allowed to leave, "over his dead body." I said, "Well, how strange. Mr. Allen said I would only be allowed back onto Babylon 5, "over his dead body." With my very busy schedule, I can only accommodate so many requests.note  I know it is a burden, but you will simply have to wait your turn.
      Zack: The only reason that guy is still alive is that half the time I don't know what he's talking about. The other half, I wish I didn't.
    • The last bit is a funny reminder that Zack is too far down the chain to have any idea what's going on with the more important characters.
    • Then, Bester!
      Zack: You never know who's gonna walk in that...
      Bester: Just a guess, Mr. Allan, but I'd suggest the word you're looking for is "door." Now, please notify the captain that I'm here. I need to meet with him and the rest of the command staff ASAP. I assume my usual quarters in the brig are available. I've grown so attached to the place.
      Zack: For you, Mr. Bester, always.
    • Zack then decides to get while his Genre Savvy is good.
      Zack: Look, I'm getting the hell out of here, before anybody else comes in. With my luck, it'll be the Second Coming. And I'm still three commandments behind on penance.
    • Thus summoned, a trio of Elvis Impersonators walk in.
      • And as Word of God puts it "and who walks in...but the Three Kings...."
  • Sheridan sets off a series of nuclear bombs to draw the attention of the Shadow and Vorlon fleets at Coriana 6. When both fleets turn to attack Sheridan's fleet, Lyta, the resident Telepath, slowly steps away from the window with wide eyes and remarks thus:
    Lyta: Captain? They're pissed.

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alternative title(s): Babylon 5
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