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Livebloggers have developed a bit of a masochistic streak recently, wouldn't you say? In addition to someone doing Video Brinquedo, we now have not one, not two, but THREE tropers throwing themselves at the mercy of Dingo Pictures—quite possibly the closest thing we have to a real-life Eldritch Abomination. Will madness never cease?
Of course not. Because we have yet two more tropers signing themselves up for ten posts of glorious torture at the hands of our favorite German purveyors of ultra-low-budget-worse-than-Newgrounds animation.
There are a great many horrifying works in the Dingo "canon," but to kick things off, we're going with the one, the only, mad...
Dalmatians 3 is one of the more curious entries in the world of Dingo pictures, especially from the point of view of their "partnership" with Phoenix Games. You see, the film was originally packaged with a PS 1 game called "Dalmatians 2." Dalmatians 3 is the PS 2 version. Differences between the two? None. Absolutely none. They're the exact same movie and the exact same game. Later, the game was ported to the X Box 360 and Wii under the names Dalmatians 4 and Dalmatians 5, respectively. The same game? Absolutely. The actual games published with these films tend to be puzzle/coloring book/general activity sort of packages—all well and good if you're four and might be interested in this sort of thing—but the fact that this same game saw four different releases with only differing numbers is even sketchier than Dingo's usual artwork.
As for the movie itself, it's a bit odd, too. The plot is almost coherent and original. But the difference between the right thing and the almost right thing, to paraphrase Mark Twain, is the difference between lightning and a lightning-bug, and this game is being crushed between the palms of small children so they can smear its glow-guts on their hands. Or something. The plot doesn't appear to directly ape any other work, despite the 101 Dalmatians callback title, but as you'll soon find out, they're not even purebred dalmatians.
But enough beating around the bush. You're here to see Pirka and I get tortured. So maybe I should let the girl speak for herself—
edited 9th Oct '10 12:42:11 PM by FreezairForALimitedTime
I THINK I HEAR THE PIRKA SIGNAL! *danananananaNUH!*
Shall we begin, oh mighty Freezair?
There's no Dalmatians 1? Thank the animation Gods for small favors...
-tries to resist temptation to make a '9001 Dalmatians' joke-
Lots of Dingo liveblogs. I wish you luck.
The Dingo Pictures Catch-22: Any warnings about losing your mind upon viewing will be ignored, because no one in their right mind would watch the movies. Or... something, I've never been good with logic paradoxes.
Godspeed, guys. *salute*
And so... it begins. We'll be trading off, in roughly 5-minute bloggening intervals. The universe has been trying its damnedest to stop me from doing this today—it makes my milk boil over in the microwave, it makes me spill my cocoa mix, and then it gets all the mix on the floor. But I have my cocoa, and my wits (for now), and in order to keep me sane, I have music on the back burner. I think Marina and the Diamonds' "Oh No" is fitting. One track mind, / One track heart / If I fail, I'll fall apart / Maybe it's all a test / I always feel like I'm the worst, / So I act like I'm the best...
You know, the more I watch this intro, the more I begin to realize how deeply symbolic it is. It encapsulates all the hopes and dreams of Phingo Games. The small man running into the box represents them—self-proclaimed purveyors of amusement; our jesters, our entertainers. The unseen audience provides the laughter and applause; the accolades they dream to achieve. But they know the truth, and have concealed it within. The fanfare that announces their entrance is weak and off-key. They run headlong into the box, concussing themselves against an impeneratrable barrier of quality which they can never cross. The audience sees this only as feeble slapstick—they laugh uproariously, their reaction so overblown it can only be wishful thinking. And they laugh not with the small man but at him and his misfortune, much as we do. And the "applause?" It is not directed at either Dingo or Phoenix; no, the applause is reserved for The Code Monkeys, the contracted developers who made the mini-games, and the persons associated with the only potenially quality portion of this POS.
Our detail-hogging cover clearly wants us to believe this is a Mockbuster version of 101 Dalmatians. We see two oddly blue-spotted adult dalmatians, and a Cruella de Vil ripoff orbited by a cloud of smoke. One of the purplish puffs seems oddly rat-shaped—it even has a long snout and a bulbous nose—but we'll never be able to tell, because the title text covers it. Onward!
We begin on a farm, with a quaint little cottage, with the uptempo Dingo Banjo Music. Remarkably, we don't even have to endure a PASS before—
And look! It's our old pal, Crommel from Animal Soccer World! And Sasha, the explosion-proof dog from Anastasia! From this front view, we get to see his/her bizarrely long neck, as he/she looks frightfully over a pair of absolutely identical (save for one having white ears and one having black ears) dalmatian puppies warring over a stick. See, we've already been liked to—Sashamel isn't a dalmatian at all! And I only see puppies so far.
We don't linger long, and cut to a shot of a bright red cat eating lunch. I would call this a PASS, but I know this cat is actually an important character, so it's more a meager pawing-at the concept of Chekhov's Gunman. He eats his lunch for a full five seconds before the dalmatian puppies abandon their delicious stick to slide down the perfectly flat ground. Continuing their fine tradition of frightening sexuality in places it should never be, I can only imagine one activity that would require any being to spread its legs as wide as the sliding puppy does.
Luckily, that doesn't last long. Our background music abruptly shifts to a weird, pseudo-Spanish varient of the Dramatic MIDI Bongos with a Dramatic MIDI Acoustic Guitar. Now the White-Eared Puppy is sauntering vaguely westward, presumably to escape the creepy artists.
Aaaaand at 0:51 we have our first appearance of Brad! You longtime Dingo viewers will know Brad as the voice of every single male character (and some of the female ones) in almost every Dingo movie, minus a few like Animal Soccer World. He calls out to White-Eared Puppy: "Where you going Lucy? Don't you want to play?" (Yes, that punctuation is actually representational. A Dingo line that isn't horribly mangled? Amazing!)
He called her Lucy, so Janet (the voice of every female Dingo character) can't be far off! Lucy's tail twitches as if it were infected with a horrible neurotoxin as Janet's unmistakable voice replies: "I do! But I'm hungry. I'll be right back."
Sashamel and Black-Eared Puppy do not understand the concept of "me time" and stalk after her. Either that, or they decide they're hungry too. Lucy's legs bend in ways never meant to be in order to get her tragically stunted neck down to her dish of—I dunno; from the looks of it, they seem to be cherry gumballs.
Sashamel leans in for a snack, too, with his eyes shut tight (as you do), but when his tongue his the cold, unyielding metal beneath, he realizes the awful truth: "*Gasp!* My bowl is empty it must've been Charlie!"
Charlie, the hideous hunchbacked cat from several seconds before! Seriously, look at him—that's bona fide osteoperosis, that is! And I thought cats liked milk? Calcium-deficient Charlie's head rattles around like a San Andreas bobblehead while Lucy complains. "As if he didn't get enough to eat himself!" Wait... Charlie is going to eat himself? He's an ourobouros as well as a hunchback! This I gotta see!
Sashamel needs anger management classes: "One of these days, I'll beat him up so bad he doesn't know who he is." Moral of the story, kids: If somebody sneaks one of your French fries from you, beat him over the head until he recieves major brain damage!
Black-Eared Puppy Speaks!: "Oh YEAH! I'll help you!" *heavy breathing into microphone* "Since when do dogs allow themselves to be tirnyzed by a stupid cat?!" Hmm—confusion! Black-Ears is clearly voiced by Janet, but it's the same sort of voice she used for Tio. What gender are we looking at here? Due to the Two Guys and a Girl trope, I'm inclined to believe that, but Janet still sounds rather feminine here. We'll have to wait and see! Also—I think Janet was trying to say "tyranized," but either the microphone slipped away, she fumbled the line, or the drugs they used to drag her into the studio wore off, because it turns into some hideous mess.
Charlie (his back now oddly normal) walks back in, clutching in his mouth what appears to be the box art for the very cartoon we're watching. There's a little dalmatian on it and everything! Either Charlie is the Kool-Aid man of the fourth wall, or I'm misinterpreting. Then again, I don't know what else it would be. A book, perhaps? A magazine? Ugh... if it's a magazine, I don't want to think about what kind of magazine it is.
Sashamel does not approve of Charlie's choice of viewing material (but then, who would?) "Newm geb... LASS Charlie or something NASTY mill happen!" Again, this is an attempt at phonetic translation—Brad is hissing so much, you'd think he was voicing a snake.
Brad smugly replies to himself: "Don't be ragaffrggbl" (seriously, I can't even begin to make this out) "it was only a little joke and besides I brought you something to make up for it!" Charlie lays his confusing cover on the ground in something vaguely resembling a peace offering.
Lucy is skeptical: "And what may that be?"
"Cake! An A-1 doggie cake!"
I have seen cakes. I know from cake. That is not a cake. That is a DVD case! Or a book! I suppose it could pass for a box, but cakes do not come in boxes like that! And I very much doubt the veracity of the A-1 statement, too—since that dalmatian on the box is accompanied by neither a bottle of steak sauce nor a race car.
"Oh! It looks rather tasty!" Lucy needs more fiber in her diet, maybe? But no—we cut out, and now there are a bunch of DOG BISCUITS—very clearly dog biscuits, bone-shaped and everything, about the farthest thing from cake—lying on the ground in the dirt. Mmmm, minerals!
I think I'm going to start calling Charlie "Charlie the Breathless," because he never once deigns to pause during his speech "Of course it's tasty you don't need to look so skeptical or anything it's not poison just try it!" Oh, Charlie, commas are your friends! He's such a motormouth, it keeps moving even when he's done talking! (Hint, Brad: YOU COULD HAVE USED THAT TIME TO TALK SLOWER.) This almost makes me long for the stilted dialogue of Dingoes past. At least that was transcribable.
Charlie ends on a terrifying, crooked grin that signals Not All Is Well. All the dogs bend over to sniff the treats. But—oh, no! It causes their eyes to spontaneously close and their mouthes to distort! They make a few snuffling sounds of vague discomfort. Silently, Charlie's outline pulses with laughter, and his eyes roll deep into the pits of his malformed head. He drinks their mild displeasure like a demon drinks souls.
"Pepper! You sprinkled pepper on the cake you-you-you NASTY tomcat you!" Sashamel's tadpole-shaped eyebrows come down with JUSTICE! I guess that explains their only slight trouble—I mean, it's not nice to get pepper in your nose, but it's not as horribly bad as it could be. Personally, I think there's worse things you could put on cake. Heck, I've had KETCHUP on cake before (don't ask; weird family tradition * OK, because I know some of you are going to want to know, my lovably weird uncle David used to play hockey, and one day he ate ketchup with cake on a dare. He won the game that night, so ketchup on cake became his good-luck meal) and it wasn't that terrible.
Charlie certainly seems to be the film Jerk Ass so far, but given the relative mildness of his jerkassery (pepper! OH NOES!) I'm not sure what to think.
"YOU NAST!" (yes, he really does cut off just like that) is the last thing Sashamel shouts after Charlie, as the latter darts off, his legs flapping together like a wild encyclopedia bounding gracefully across the savannah. If that's the way he runs, it would certainly explain his arched spine—that doesn't look healthy at all. The puppies set off in pursuit, and the four chase each other around the same couple pieces of scenery, one after the other, in a Benny Hill-esque chase that pads out a full fifteen seconds. Only instead of funny, it's stupid. And instead of "Yakkety Sax" playing in the background, we have... er...
"Flight of the Zinger." From Donkey Kong Country 2.
I suppose the fact that Dingo Pictures would steal music isn't all that surprising—especially given the fact that they steal everything else—but this particular theft gives me pause. DKC 2 may not be the biggest game ever, but it's certainly very well known. But "Flight of the Zinger," while good, is not one of its iconic tracks. And why dramatic music from a level about bees for a chase scene? Just... What? What? WHAT?!
...Oh, god, look at me. I'm not even two minutes into this madness and I'm already losing it. Get a grip on yourself, Freezy.
We fade to green, then black. And then back to the forest.
...Holy crap! It's the return of the Sexy Duck Narrator!
OK, so it's a crow this time. The crow that so often appears in PASS shots, in fact. But there's no mistaking Janet's bored narration, or the way it so blatantly tell us things Dingo could've shown to us, instead. (Well, assuming they had a bigger animation budger.)
"So. This sort of thing. Went on every day—between the four of them. Charlie—refused to be a normal tomcat. That's afraid of dogs." (Sexy Crow Narrator clearly believes that Status Quo Is God. Unfortunate Implications, much? Never, ever dare to be anything but what people tell you you are! CONFORM, CHILDREN!) "HE—belonged. To Pino's. Sasha's. And Lucy's owner's neighbor!"
Ahah! As the standard for Dingo goes, reused artworks share the same name across stories! He's not Sashamel, just Sasha. I think I can safely make that assumption. I'm guessing this means that Pino is the Black-Eared Puppy, though that's kind of an odd name. Oh well. PASS Rabbit who's a clear rip-off of Thumper laughing maniacly—remarkably, our first true PASS of the film! Sexy Crow Narrator quickly lives up to its ignoble legacy by getting into Sexy Duck Narrator's favorite inappropriate Ready for Lovemaking pose.
"The neighbor. And the old lady. Who owned them. Got on—VERY well, and regretted it IMMENSELY that their animals—couldn't stand one another." PASS very angry-looking bluebirds. They're the naggy bluebird from the cocurrent Pochahontas, too!
"And. One day—that CHARLIE served them his PEPPER DOG CAKE!" You mean—exactly like we just saw happen?! Seriously, Dingo, you almost did something kind right for once—showing us what happens between the characters instead of telling us! Why you gotta muck it up by then going the Viewers Are Goldfish route and carefully explaining it to us right after we saw it happen?
"THEY had had—enough. THEY. Decided. To get. Ree-''VENGEEEE!'"
We fade out from our narrator, and go to out doggies silently gossiping. Or maybe they're just flapping their lips at one another, making stupid faces. Charlie, meanwhile, sleeps beneath a tree.
Lucy beckons him: "Charlie Charlie! Could you come on over?" Charlie wonders what they want, while Sasha unspecifies: "Help."
Help! They need somebody! Help! Not just anybody! Help! You know they need someone... OK, I'll stop now.
"Dependss. What do you want from me?" Yet more inappropriate sexuality—I've heard Honey Traps with less seductive voices.
Lucy spins him a tale of a "dumb little mouse" who's been annoying them all morning. Like it's not obvious where this is going. Oh, he just went into his hole over there, but they'll sure he'll be out soon! Charlie goes to the nondescript "over there" to find the mouse. ...You know, given that this is a world of Talking Animals, I really hae to wonder about the whole "mouse" thing. I feel like mice are implicitly sapient and talking, too. Are they asking Charlie to go commit murder for them? This is kind of a dark movie when you take things like this into account.
Charlie certainly relishes the thought: "I can wait hours, I can, for a nice little mouse..."
Oh... Oh god. I can't un-imagine it. Little mousie, I'm glad you're not real, but if you were—run! Run! And get ye a can of pepper spray! It's both thematically appropriate and your salvation!
"It's working! Just you wait, Charlie!"
Well, he did announce his plans to do that, so, uh... alright?
Charlie does manage to find a mouse hole in the base of a tree—rather remarkable, since they just made up the mouse. But guess what's coming out of the hole instead? That's right! Dramatic MIDI Bongos! We're really for real in a Dingo Pictures movie now!
Pino urges him on: "Don't you want to—check if it's really in its hole?" So Charlie—
Charlie bends down. He looks toward the hole.
His neck magically elongates.
I could point out Charlie's hunchback again. I could point out Charlie's flabby legs, cottage-cheesier than an aging starlet's. I could point out his miniscule tail. But no. I'm too damn distracted by his neck. He's Mr. Fantastic! He's Plastic Man! He's Stretch Armstrong! He stretched out his bloody neck! He looks like the unholy offspring of a cat and a giraffe! He—
Oh, criminy, I still have more than a minute to go of this crap. I really had better get on with it.
In the way of Dingo, Charlie suddenly pulls back, absolutely no transitional frames from him being quadrupedal and ground-bound and bipedal and upright. At first I thought there was a knife sticking out of his mouth (harsh, man), but no, it's just a mousetrap. You know, mousetraps really hurt. They're designed to snap mice's spines, you know. I think that's a lot douchier than sneaking cherry gumballs or pepper cake—I mean, you could collapse his sinuses or something! Cue more silent laughter from our "heroes," though they, thankfully, don't roll their eyes back.
Charlie does the Encyclopedia Run with the mousetrap on his face over the Dramatic MIDI Bongos, and we fade to black again.
Back to Sexy Crow Narrator, improbably perched on the top of a windowsill in her Trademark Pose.
"Charlie. Ranted and YOWLED at the neighbor. And the old lady came running. The old ladies were SHOCKED" (Shocked!) "and freed him from the mouse trap." PASS giggling bluebirds. "The DOGS got a PROPER talking-to. But THAT didn't worry them! Because they had FINALLY played a trick. On Charlie." PASS a mouse sticking its nose out at some mushrooms. (Hey, while you're on screen, mousie—look out for that psycho Charlie, man! I suggest learning self-defense, and never travel alone at night!) "They hoped. That he would NOW leave them. In peace."
That's 4:30—four and a half minutes. That's it. I'm done for now. My brain is already dry.
Godspeed, Pirka. I leave the rest to you for now.
edited 9th Oct '10 8:23:55 PM by FreezairForALimitedTime
Wait wait wait wait wait.
Sexy Duck Narrator is the Narrator...kinda...again...but she's the crow...
So....Sexy Duck Narrator from Dinosaur Adventre is the Crow from Dinosaur Adventure? The person she was probably TELLING this damn story to, based on all the PASS's'?
But then, SDN and Crow Are/Were the same people?! Oh Go-*Boom*
edited 11th Oct '10 2:50:58 AM by MichaelDj54
Thanks, Freezair. I'm gonna need all the luck I can get.
Before we get into part two, let's review the "characters" (because that word normally denotes actual Character Development, which Dingo is incapable of):
Sashamel - Christened so for being the same dog used in the role of Sasha in Anastasia and Crommel in Animal Soccer World. Seems to be the ordinary Dingo protagonist: an odd combination of annoying and boring. In the actual film, he's just Sasha (yes, they even reused the name), but the name Freezair has given him sounds like that of a Cosmic Horror. Good call.
Lucy - Aka the White-Eared Puppy. PossiblyanotherprotagonistmaybeIdon'tknow.
Black-Eared Puppy - Currently nameless and tasteless. No, wait, not entirely nameless: his name might be Pino.
Charlie - To be pronounced CHAAAAAARRRLLLIIIIEEEE! for added effect. He's a tomcat, apparently, who has gone against status quo and is not afraid of dogs as he should be. Is he a villain? Whatever he is, he has bone density issues. Also known as "Charlie the Breathless".
Sexy Duck Crow Narrator - The master of stating the obvious (i.e. telling you what just happened mere seconds after the fact) and posing provocatively, the Sexy Avian Narrator is one of Dingo's staples.
Now, I shall take up the torch, however hot, and attempt to continue...
Dalmatians 3: Part 2: The Pirkening
After the Sexy Crow Narrator leaves the screen, we fade to black. When we fade back in, Sashamel is watching Lucy...um...vibrate. She's just sitting there, shaking uncontrollably. Maybe Charlie's not the only one with vitamin deficiency? In order to prove me wrong, Lucy jumps up and does the world's most uncanny somersault. It looks like she's being clicked-and-dragged across the screen! Sashamel, unimpressed, doesn't even change his expression. In the world of Dingo, even flying dogs don't warrant extra reaction animation.
We then cut to Charlie, visibly limping (as always) and wearing a 'Kiss Me' valentine around his ne —
Wait a minute. What the frak!? I think I've got you beaten on the 'time it takes for brain to break while watching Dingo' record, Freezy.
So, yeah, we've got Charlie. He's walking with a box of valentine chocolate (it's clearly not just a flat paper heart, it actually has some depth to it - in fact, this looks a lot more like a cake than the supposed cake from before) around his neck. He's obviously showing off his neck flexibility, previously demonstrated in part one. He walks over to the dogs, Lucy doing another suggestively-spread-eagled slide down a hill that may or may not exist. Sashamel is still indifferent.
"Look what I have hereGREATisn'tit?" brags Charlie, forgetting to pause between words.
The three dogs look in awe at his amazing box. "What is it?!" asks...Lucy?
"It's a GINGERBREAD HEARTsee! There's even somethingwrittenonit!" replies Charlie (a reminder: bad grammar and word slurring is intentional and phonetic).
Wait a minute, that ISN'T a box?! In Dingo world, cakes are completely flat, but something that's supposed to be flat, i.e. a freakin cookie, is like 3 inches thick?! What is this madness?! Also, my personal phobia would like to point out that, if this were in fact true, Charlie has been carrying an unwrapped food item against his dirty cat chest for some time now. Like, ew.
Sashamel finally responds to something in his environment. "KISS ME..." he reads. "BLEEEEGHwho would want to kiss YOU! ...mmmmhmmm..." There we go, we've got our first 'random noises appended to sentences' moment in my half of the review! Oh, goody. It's funnier if you pretend that 'mmmhmm' noise was him pretending to puke in his mouth, but that's too witty for Dingo.
Lucy's head vibrates with silent, mocking laughter as Charlie retorts: "You're just JEALOUSSSSSH." What's with the hissing? It sounds like he's trying to seduce Sashamel instead of — ohhh, crap.
Lucy asks a valid question. "Where did you get it from?" Surprisingly, she actually says this quite coherently. Janet is a better voice actor. You heard it here first!
"From my maaaasssstttaaah. There's a stand on the market where you can buy gingerbreadHEAAARTS. He boight me one." Charlie randomly adds a little New York flare to the last sentence. Also, is he suggesting that the stand sells only gingerbread hearts? I guess if you want a gingerbread man, you're royally screwed.
Sashamel is in such a rush to speak that his mouth doesn't open until this sentence is half over: "AT THE MAAAAHKET!? (wait, is he seriously surprised you can buy food at a market?) MMM...Our old lady has a birthday coming up! A heart like this would be GREAT as a present for her!"
Apparently, everyone is in a huge rush to get their ideas out there, as it cuts to Lucy speaking before Sashamel is even finished. "I ALSO have a birthday coming up!" Thunder-stealing bitch.
"MEE TOOO!" says Possiblynamed!Pino, who sounds like a girl (and may very well be one). Are they twins?
"What do you think? Should we go into town and get ourselves some gingerbread TOOOO?!" I think this is Lucy speaking, but I really have no effing clue.
"SON (that's what it sounds like, wtf) LET'S GO, but without KISS M Eonthem!" says one of the puppies.
Charlie's head wobbles with evil. "Hehehe...you need some MONEY though, you don't buy gingerbread hearts without MONEEEY and you don't HAVE IT."
Cut to Lucy, her head folded in on itself in RAGE. "Damn!"
Yeah, she just said "Damn". Apparently she confused gingerbread with the fourth Chaos Emerald.
Charlie, smugly as ever, taunts them. "So dream onnn about your gingerBREAAAAD!" Dear god, he really, REALLY sounds like he's trying to seduce them here. Stranger danger!
Sashamel snaps, the blood flowing through his veins giving him a serious case of nasal congestion. "CONCIETED APE!" What, no "rubbish"?
The happy whistling music starts up for some reason as the dogs walk (sulk?) off, Lucy musing their current financial situation: "But he's rightforONCE, we don't have any money for gingerBREEEAD." What's with stressing the second syllable in "gingerbread"? Are they trying to subtly hint that it is not, in fact, bread?
PASS: a bluebird flying for two long seconds. I just realized I've only been watching this for about two minutes. FFFFFFUUUU —
"We could ALSO ask the old LADY?!" says Pino, who seems downright puzzled at such an idea.
Lucy replies with copious amounts of word EMPHASIS. "Nooo, we can't do THAAAT! We want to GIVE her the gingerBREAD as a PRESEEENT and it wouldn't be a proper present if she had to PAY for it HERSELF!" Wow, she actually has a point.
"Hmmmmm..." Sashamel has an idea/hemmorage. "What do you think of swapping?" What, like bartering? Are these dogs going to barter for gingerbread?!
"Swapping?!" Lucy asks, reflecting my own confused manner. "Swapping WHAAAT?"
"Weeeeh we could go to the market and SWAP something for the gingerbread." So they really are bartering. I'm not sure that works in this day and age, guys. "Hrmmm something NICE something that belongs to USSS." Yeah, you don't just want to go swapping stuff that belongs to other people. *HEADWALL*
Pino seems convinced. "But of COUUURRSE - we'll simply SWAAAP!" Not a second after he (?) agrees, Sashamel trots off.
The other puppies call out to him, equally confused. "Where are you off to, PINO?!"
...wait a second. Did he just call Sashamel "Pino"?! Was this an honest mistake, or did they really reuse the art and names from Anastasia but tried to make it less obvious by giving the name to a different character?! Does this mean that the dog we've been calling "Pino" all this time is, in fact, Sasha?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO!?
Saspinomel (whose name now sounds like a brand of prescription drug with many nasty side effects) answers matter-of-factly. "To find something to SWAP!"
"Tomorrow...look it's too late today lookitstarding to get dark already." WHAT? When the plot is just starting to actually go somewhere?! Coincidentally, this reflects my current feelings about this liveblog. It's 4:30 and I want to eat snacks and watch a sci-fi movie or something instead of this crap. However, I must carry on! I promised the world! This is for you, TV Tropes! I shall spare you from the pain!
We cut to the Sexy Crow Narrator, our source for all the late-night news in Dingo Werld. "Pino agreeeeed."
Huh. I guess Sashamel really does = Pino. Then Pino = Sasha? From now on, I'm still calling the old Pino that. I'll call Not!Sasha or Crommel Saspinomel, a name all too fitting for such a confusing beast.
Anyway, Sexy Crow Narrator continues: "The dogs went into DA HOUSE and lay down to sleeeeep..." Oh god. Please don't talk about 'laying'. "...BUT! Early the next morning, they were UP! and ABOUT! (she says this like it's a big surprise they didn't die in their sleep or something) looking for their most VAAAALLLUABLE TREASURES!!" Wow, these dogs must really want that damn gingerBREAD.
We wake up next morning with Sassy MIDI Strings playing in the background. Saspinomel is walking nowhere in particular with a yellow ball in his mouth. Lucy is walking nowhere in the opposite direction with a pink...bow...thing...? in her mouth. They meet on the ground, dropping their finds as the music starts to take an eerie turn towards the theme to The X Files.
"DO YOU REALLY WANT TO GIVE THAT AWAY?!" Shouts Saspinomel, mocking Lucy's choice of bartering material. "Yesss, I never wear the bow anyway although it is ACTUALLY rather beautiful." Wow, so it actually is a bow. Pino walks in from nowhere with an orange leash in his mouth.The leash, for some reason, is being worn by a bone chew toy. Is it Pino's pet chew toy or something?
"We might even get TWO gingerbread hearts for it!" hopes Lucy, regarding her bow. ONLY TWO!? * I apologize for inserting a random joke between me and Nyktös in here, but I couldn't pass it up.
"Andmyball TOOOO I'm sure it's almost new you know." Replies Saspinomel, in what can only vaguely be described as a sentence. "You just have to clean it up a bit." remarks Lucy. Finally, someone who cares about hygene!
"Whatdoyou THINK should I swap my DAWGGY BONE or my LEAAAAAD?" asks Pino. Huh. I guess they were two seperate things.
"Well the doggy bone is more valuable." states Saspinomel, who moonlights on Antiques Roadshow. "Yes, take the doggy bone." agrees Lucy. Wow, that was pointless.
Oh, but look who's coming - it's CHAAAARRRLIIIE! "Where are you off TOO!?" asks Charlie from a mile away.
Cut to the three dogs, who are suddenly carrying a basket. Lucy responds. "Well to the MARKET of course we're going to buy gingerbread hearts!"
Charlie is skeptical. "Welllwhere did you suddenly get 'hold of moneh?!"
"WE WON' TELL YEW!" yells Saspinomel, who is actually kind of a dick.The puppies join in: "We have enough for at least FOUR gingerbread hearts!and we're buying the best ones there are, much better than yours." Burrrn. Saspinomel isn't quite done, either. "BYECHARLIE!" he somehow manages to say with his mouth in an 'o' shape for half a second.
"Daaaaaammmmn. How could they have got so much money?!" Charlie isn't happy with his life in the 'hood. DAAAAMMMMN.
Cut to the dogs walking...and walking... ('...thank god, a break from writing dialogue," thinks Pirka). Suddenly, SEXY CROW NARRATOR! Actually, it's a PASS, as he/she/it doesn't say anything before we cut to a kind of hilarious wide shot of the three puppies, who now look like malformed marshmallows. They walk past an auto repair shop.
Lucy breaks the silence. "I can hear music! It must come from the market!" Um, don't be so quick to assume that, kid. "YOU'RE RIGHT!" Saspinomel instantly agrees, apparently speaking through his nose as his mouth isn't even open. "OOH I can smell the gingerbread already!" It apparently gives him ventriloquism powers. That's daaaaaammmmnnn good gingerBREAD.
"AND ALMONDS! AND POPCORN! Lucy, can we alsobuysomePOPCORN!?" Screw you, Pino. I wish I was eating popcorn right now. :( Also, is it just me, or do 'almonds' seem completely out of place here?
'Maybe but let's first get the gingerbread hearts." Lucy is rightfully cautious, aware of the dogs' financial peril. PASS - the Sexy Crow Narrator sits on a well and laughs at them. He is obviously a Reality Warper and knows what will happen next.
The dogs enter the market, which is full of reused art people, including (but not limited to) nameless orange coat guy (aka Ivan) from Anastasia! PASS - a truck full of pigs. What. The dogs finally reach the Gingerbread Heart Stand, which really does sell only gingerbread hearts. Also, in comparison to the other stalls, which are colorful and clearly labelled, this one appears to be made of industrial metal on top of a cardboard box. I wouldn't eat anything from this stall. "WOW look how many!" says an awed Saspinomel.
"PEEEEENO, can you read what's on that one up front?!" asks Not Really!Pino.
"I Love You." answers Saspinomel in monotone, contesting Yuki Nagato's performance of the line.
"What does THAAAAT mean!?" asks Pino. Oh my god, Dingo's about to get philosophical!!
"Just that I LOVE YOU!" answers Saspinomel. Wow, what a crap answer. Lucy seems satisfied, though. "That'll be the right present for our old LADYYY shall I GET it?!"
Lucy decides to do just that by jumping three feet into the air and grabbing it with her mouth. The stall owner is less than thrilled. "STOP STOP GIVE THAT BACK IMMEDIATELY!" she yells, causing massive amounts of microphone feedback.
"Huh?" says Saspinomel...in Lucy's voice. Are we really going to ask why anymore? "THESESETGJNGFFFS!" Angrish's the shopkeeper. We cut to a green-suited cop. "Something not in order?!" he asks calmly. WHAT YOU THINK
"THESEDOGSHEREWANTEDTOSTEALMYGINGERBREADHEARTSSSS!!" replies Shopkeeper Mc Feedback.
Saspinomel tries to explain: "But that's not TRU Ewedidn't want to STEAL them we just wanted to LOOKATHEM before WEBUYTHEM!"
"WHYYYYY! Doyouhaveanymoney?" Replies the cop.
Well, I guess that answers the human-to-animal-communication question in Dingo Pictures. Yes, they can understand each other in Dingo Werld. Apparently, they have Puppy Power. At least, until the animals take over.
"Nnnnnnoooo not directly we wanted to do a swap..." says Lucy, seizuring nervously.
"SWAP!youcan'tcomeupwithanythingbetterthanTHAT!?" Replies the cop, thinking it's all a dumb ploy.
"There's no more to be SAID THEY'RE ROAMING STRAY DOGS THEYDESERVETOBELOCKEDAWAY!" adds Shopkeeper Mc Feedback. UH OH PLOT TWIST
"I don't think this is any fun anymore..." moans Saspinomel, who is obviously too petrified to run. "Let'sgetoutof here FAWST!" Oh, I guess he's gotten his legs back. They run.
"NO STOP THERE'S ANOTHER ONE GET HIM QUICK GO YES!" Says the cop, starting to sound oddly like the guy who compliments you on your performance in DDR. Soon, he has somehow managed to get two of the dogs in his clutches! Oh noes! Apparently, only Lucy got away, with nothing to show for it except for some severe athsma judging by her breathing.
The cop carries the two dogs into his POLIZEI truck and closes the door. BUSTED.
"THERE'S ANOTHER! Go grab him QUICKLY!" Uh oh, Mc Feedback spots Lucy! ...and has Viewer Gender Confusion.
Lucy runs faster than Sonic as the POLIZEI truck speeds away.
Sexy Crow Narrator has this to say. "OHHHH DEAAAAR. This di'nt look good at AWWWWL. And the dogs really had no intention of STEALING the GINGERBREAD!" Yeah, keep telling yourself that. "But no one understood that." Gee, maybe humans can't understand dogs after all. "Lucy ran home as FAST as she COULD!"
...oh man, I DID IT. I actually DID IT. See, Kampfer, though it kind of hurts me to say this, actually had good parts in it (read: "it had Entrails Animals in it"). This had NO BREAK FROM THE PAIN. I sure as hell hope this is a funny sporking of it, because I seriously tried my best.
Now we know the true story of Dalmatians 3 is thus: "Three dogs are jealous of a cat who has gingerbread. Dogs attempt to barter for gingerbread and get arrested." Hands up if that's what you thought the plot would be.
...I didn't think so.
Gonna pass this torch to you, Freezair. I'm going to go puke... *collapses*
edited 11th Oct '10 2:22:01 PM by Pirka
*Admirable applause* Magnificent! Especially "Saspinomel." Side effects may include dizziness, confusion, and vomiting.
I'll do my next part this evening. Something very... interesting happens in the next video. Oh, sure, it may not look interesting, but after poking around on Dingo's website (yes, I braved the lion's den), I have come to a conclusion about one of this movie's later demonstratable... idosyncracies.
Also, I feel the need to ask:
1. Charlie has been holding that heart against his chest, which is demonstratably dirty. 2. He has been insulted, by Lucy, with a disappointed "Damn!" 3. Lucy also called him a "Conceited ape!"
Does that make him... a Damn Dirty Ape(TM)?
Aaaand we're back! Where we last left our "heroes," Lucy escaped from the clutches of the POLIZEI to run back home. Time to get into the really... odd part of this movie. You'll see what I mean shortly. And don't worry, there is an explanation. Not necessarily a sane one, mind, but it exists. On the back burner, I think I'll put "Figures A and B," by hellogoodbye. Oh, maybe you and me / well we could be a team / Well maybe you and me, / just wait and see...
There's actually a little bit of the other video left before this one, but there's not much to it. Lucy runs home, and Charlie gives her his best smug, "Sowhere'syourgingerbreadheartnow" bit while Lucy sobs pitifully.
"WHERE IS YOUR GINGERBREAD HEART NOW?!"
Yes, Charlie, because when one of my friends runs home bawling, with the other two people she left with conspicuously missing, my first inclination is to ask them if they managed to find the duct tape they went out to buy.
*bing* Turn the page!
"CRYBABYCRYBABYCRYBABYCRYBABY" Charlie taunts. ...You know, I think I might be changing my mind about him. Maybe he is the most Jerk Ass-ish one here.
Sexy Crowduck Narrator's friend Nagging Bluebird is not confused by these silly human concepts like "sympathy" and "empathy" like Charlie is. (Maybe that explains his deformities—he's really an android with no knowledge of that thing we call "love!") If only she wasn't played by Janet holding her nose. "Just don't listen to him. Where are Pino and Sasha?"
Lucy sheds a Single Tear as her nose spontaneously melts and reforms. It might be poetic if it wasn't symptomatic of Dingo's art budget. "...on!" she mopes, apparently swerving away from the microphone as she speaks.
Luckily, Nagging Bluebird speaks Dingoese, and helpfully translates for us in a more parrotlike fashion: "Gone? Whaddoyoumean gone?"
"Theyweretakenawayinacar a police car!" Lucy, Lucy, Lucy. I think you mean a POLIZEI car. What do you think this is, America? This is Dingoland!
Charlie is sooo nonchalant about Lucy's geographical confusion. "Huh. Just as I thought. Youdidn'thaveanymoney you just wanted to steal the gingerbread heartssss. Ssssss." You're hissin' like a kettle there, Charlie. Sure you're not voiced by a slummin' David Kaye? Because you're starting to sound a bit like Megatron, yesssss... While Charlie is talking, we also get a lovely look at the old lady's handsome Spaghetti-O's bushes.
Now you've done it! Lucy's forced to put on... her ANGRY FACE! Her ANGRY FACE, as it happens, does a great job of highlighting the imbalance of her face. When her eyebrows come down, you can see how much higher her back eye (and always her back eye) is than the front one. Don't worry about your hideous deformity, dear, I'm sure—hey, isn't Picasso hiring models right now?
"No we DIDN'T! We wanted to swap for my bow and Pino's ball and Sasha's doggy bone!"
Oh, well, if there's doggy bones on the line, then Charlie'll do an about face right there. "Mmmm. Actually not such a bad idea. Mmmmmm." I'm going to assume he's making those noises because he's sucking on an especially delicious hard candy right now. In fact, I think he's been sucking all movie.
"Where can Pino and Sasha beeee? I'm sure things are BAD for them nooow!"
Well, let's see. They're not currently on-screen. They're not currently being mangled by Dingo's "animators." They're not being voiced by Brad and Janet, and they're not being tormented by Charlie. I don't think this was a capture so much as an escape. And the policeman was totally a collaborator!
"Yessssss, we can assume that." David Kaye, it is you! What are you doing, man? You've got better things to do with your life than be Brad, man! Find that policeman and get out with them! "Frrgggmbblegrumble took them?"
Man, he's just waggling his tongue in front of the microphone now. I can't even begin to make them out. As to where they've gone—have you tried looking in Acapulco?
"Noooo. I had to run! For it!"
"If you could stop crying, I could think of something. But as long as you're crying, it's impossiblllle!"
Charlie? Her friends just got kidnapped to a better movie and left her behind. I think she's allowed to cry. If you're really so irritated by it, there is and entire house behind you that you could go into and find some peace and quiet. Then again, I suppose that would involve making a new background, and we can't have that. PASS Nagging Bluebird. Technically, she's a part of the scene, so I guess it could be meant to show her concerned face or something. However, this is Dingo, and the only two moods they gave her were "Nag" and "Dull Surprise." I think that counts as a PASS in this instance.
Luckily, Lucy has magic tears. They go on and off like a faucet! She's suddenly A-OK, smiling like she always does, and asking Charlie (the second she stops) if he's come up with anything yet.
"I think so. Wait here!" Yes, wait here, so the camera can focus on you. We don't want to have to do another exhausting walk cycle, do we?
But Nagging Bluebird flapping her beak(?) is no problem: "I don't think Charlie's so bad after all." Yes, he whines at the puppy who just got abandoned in Dingoland to stop sobbing about her betrayal; clearly a model citizen!
He trots back, with... a briefcase!
Charlie, are you doing that thing? That thing with the fourth wall again? You're not hopping into other movies for fun, are you? Because if you start talking about quater-pounders with cheese, I may have to slowly back away.
DINGOESE, MOTHER RUBBISH—DO YOU SPEAK IT?
"What are you going to do with that?" Lucy sensibly asks.
"It's a laaaptop it belongs to my massster we can go onto the Interneeet with it!"
I—uh—huh. I mean, I think my laptop probably contains a portion of my soul, but—huh. Wasn't expecting that.
I think it might be that expecting Dingo to have knowledge of anything even remotely resembling "technology" is a little out there for me yet. Lucy isn't happy with this development either:
"I DON'T WANT TO GO ONTO THE INTERNET I WANT TO GO FIND PINO AND SASHA!"
I don't want to look at your creepy Cat Girl porn or your weird troll pages on ED or all your uploads of Dingo Pictures movies oh wait.
"Just waaaaaait!" You'll like 4chan, I promise!
Luckily, Charlie knows te world's best search engine: Blank Green Page Without A Text Imput Box! It's so advanced, you can type anywhere on the screen and it'll search for you! Thankfully, Charlie typing with his paws is one of the few things in this movie that actully makes sense—he's a cat, of course he belongs on the Internet!
Charlie searches for "WhatTheHellIsGoingOnInThisMovie.com," and with its highly-advanced algorithms, Blank Green Page Without A Text Imput Box delivers. "Missing dogs! See? Here we have the results! Dog pound! They've been taken to a dog pound!" I think you mean TIERHEIM, Charlie.
Also: Did you seriously need to use Google just to find out that stray dogs get taken to the pound? It mst've been pretty obvious. I mean, it's the only result, and it takes up literally all of your screen. Imagine if you went searching for, I dunno, stuff on Black Holes, and the results page was just one giant banner, saying
CLICK THIS WIKIPEDIA LINK, MORON!
"And does your laptop know where the—this dog pound is?" Nice save.
"Welll there are only three doggy pounds in our towwn so that should be no problem we're sure to find Piino and Sashhha don't worry!" Man, I think this cat is the reincarnation of Rasputin. They both nom the scenery in the same fashion. And I suppose you two are just going to go driving around to all three of them looking?
"Are you coming wrong?" I know she probably meant to say "along," but that's what it sounds like. I'm not sure what "coming wrong" means, but I'm sure it'll put a damper on your sex life.
"Sure we'll do it first thing tomorrow morning I promise!" Charlie, they're so totally your frenemies. Don't even try to pretend like it's any other way.
Fadeout! I managed to pause at just the right time to see that Dingo's character pictures actually go transparent during the fade. Classy. I'm sure we're fading to Sexy Ducrow Narrator. Aaaand?
"LOOOOOOOOCY—" OK, I have to address this before the sentence can ever finish.
"You got some 'splainin' to do!"
...OK, glad I got that out of my system.
"...Could not. S-sleep. All night. But that was NOTHING compared to what Pino and Sasha went through. After they were piled—into the POLICE car" (PASS Naggy Bluebird and her identical twin sister) "They were driven through—HALF the town! Or. At least. That's how it felt." Janet so desperately wants to pull off a sly "Tee hee hee" here, but it comes off as more of a "Boo hoo hoo." "Help me! I'm trapped voice acting for terrible cartoons!"
"When the car FINAAAAALY stopped," (obvious yawn) "They were shivering! With fear!" Yes, can I get a large side-order of shivers, with fear? Thanks! It's the end of the narration, but not the scene, as Sexy Ducrow's rubber bill patterns aimlessly for a good second before the fadeout kicks in. Come on, is it that hard to write Space-Filling Dialogue?
Obviously, it'd be no good if Dingo told us something that happened without showing it to us five seconds later so here's the POLIZEI trundling along to the TIERHEIM. It's a one-and-a-half-story run-down building with a wooden door large enough to run a semi through, and (judging from the size of the door) a roof that's about a centimeter thick.
"SO YOU TWO! YOU STAY HERE UNTIL IT'S BEEN DECIDED WHAT TO DO WITH YOU!" Astoundingly, not only did they animate the POLIZEI-man from the back, they actually gave Sasha and Sashpinomel new animations for being picked up from behind! Judging from the purple wall inside the TEIRHEIM, the TEIRHEIM itself is actually just an elaborate courtyard of some kind.
But it looks like Officer Mc Feedback has competition! For as he moves inside to set them down, we have...
EVIL DOG MCFEEDBACK!
This guy was the leader of the Wild Dogs back in Animal Soccer World, and now, he and his jittery head are the obligitory "evil dog" of the piece. "Heheh... two NEW oness! Oooh, welcome to the DOG POUND Castor and Pollack's!"
What... what the crap is that supposed to mean? Those can't be names, tacked on awkwardly to the end of the sentence like that, can they? Are they the owners? Maybe he's Castor, and Pollack is his split personality when he's in his other frame of animation? OH! I get it! It's a Verbal Tic, Castor and Pollack! It's just how he talks, Castor and Pollack! This could get annoying, Castor and Pollack!
"Hey! I've heard those names before!" muses Saspinomel.
"Yeees, our PARENTS told us about them they're very EEEE-vil!"
"WHAT are you talking about!" Maybe I was right—we get a closeup of the same dog, but now voiced by Janet! Same animation frames, though. "WE want to know EVERYTHING that's said here so TALK. OUT. LOUD."
Seriously. I think what they tried to do here is have Janet-Dog growling while the other dog—or the POLIZEI—or Saspinomel—I can't tell, it's all just Brad in various states of laryngitis—interrupting her (him? She's doing her "gruff" voice here). But Dingo's sound mixing equipment, in a word, sucks. So the feedback on the growl plus Braddog Mc Feedback's natural hiss creates an ungodly hissing yowl that would probably scare the cat off. It's easily the most frightening noise to come out of Dingo ever, and I've watched Animal Soccer World. Braddog said something in the mess, but it's not like I heard it.
Brief shot of someone moving Sasha and Saspinomel's static drawings up and down for a few frames before—oh, hey, it's two of them. Braddog and Janetdog. I'm not sure if they're the aforementioned Castor and Pollack (which would be kind of weird, since it would imply that dogs own the dog pound) or just the pair's lackey mutts. We'll see.
"You're BOOOUND to feel welcome and comfortable heeeeaaah" growls Braddog. And WOAH! Sudden shot to a lot of other depressed-looking dogs! Let's see—we've got bespectacled dog from Animal Soccer World, Poochie-like dog from the same, Butcher (see above), the gray wolf-dog from their Balto clone (I looked it up) a sheepdog in the back who looks an awful lot like the one from Road Rovers, and some terrier-thing with a very warning grin on its face. Who wants to cast bets on how many of them will actually be important?
They blink, we see Sasha crying in the corner, and back to the dogs.
Not!Poochie is the first to speak. This time, it's Brad's turn to hold his nose. "Oh yeaaah they caught another tew!" Brad's decided to turn the Cockney up to 11 for Not!Poochie, I see.
Then to the former Butcher: "That's Pino and Sasha!" I gotta give Brad credit: He actually does a pretty good Big Guy "Duuuuuh—" voice. It's like Big the Cat, only he doesn't even have a relatively cool character design to make up for his unrelenting stupidity.
Then, Spectacles Dog (he's obviously too smart to call them just glasses): "It can't be Crommel and Tooplechin's kids!"
...*Record Needle Scratch*
No. No. No.
Dingo, I thought you had plumbed the depths of your laziness already. You reused both a name and that name's character design, but did not even bother to give the same name to that character design. That was more that just stupid—it was brazenly stupid, so far gone that I could almost accept it as part of your ineffable state of Dingocity. But no. You went ahead and reused the same characrer model's OTHER name in the same work. You have, in effect, recycled the same character three different times under different aliases. This is not accident. This is calculated madness. You PLANNED this.
Despair surges through me. That humanity could be capable of such depravity... And yet I know. I must soldier on. The Abyss awaits, and if I do not take it, no man will. (Pirka might, but then again...)
"How did they get here?!" Spectadog asks, incredulous.
HOLY NEW ANGLE BATMAN! Yes, we actually get a brand-new, totally original head-on-but-sideways pose for Saspinomel and Sasha. The size of their eyes implies the vet just stuck his thermometer in a very uncomfortable place. "AHH MR. BLOOM! BOSS! BUTCH I DON'T BELIEVE IT!" ...Given that these are dogs, I kind of hope that there are no female memebers of this group.) The heads of Spectadog, Not!Poochie, and Butcher jitter in amusement.
ARRRG! WHY IS DINGO OBSESSED WITH TRYING TO MAKE THE TWO BLACK DOGS SPEAK IN UNISON! They try again to make them say "What's going on?!" in sync, but that way lies naught but madness and FEEDBACK OH DOG. (I tried to type "OH GOD" there, but I think the typo is appropriate.)
"Somehow those two LOOK FAMILIAR!" Jeez, no need to shout, Janetdog.
"Yurrite! That's Crommel and Tooplechin!" ...No, I really have no idea about that name either. You'll just have to live with it. It's so patently ridiculous I can't even think of anything funny to add to it. It's a joke all by itself. Anyway: "You remember them!"
"And how I do! But those AREN'T Crommeland Tooplechin theymustbetheirCHILDREN! Aha ha ha... ha... haaaaa..." Janetdog gives this bizarre, dribbling laugh that sounds like she's running out of breath as she speaks. Get a glass of water, Janet.
"OOO Ohhh KAY well we'll find a suitable occupation for THEM! Now come along, Pollacks."
...OK. So... the dogs ARE Castor and Pollacks. So.. they ARE the ones who own the dog pound.
...Can I express my continuing disbelief on how ridiculous that is? OK, so it seems humans and dogs can talk in this world; OK. But dogs still seem to be clearly subordinate to humans. Do they also own pet shops as well?
I guess they go into the purple building, because they vanish. Crying Sasha in a corner again, and—Hello, deep-voiced gray dog we haven't seen before! Howdy!
"Heeey those two are gonna harass you wherever they can!"
But if someone tries to harass you in a way or place that makes you uncomfortable, that's NO GOOD!
"You know one another? Castor and Pollacks seem to be particularlyfondof the two of them!" Balto-look-alike is another Janet dog. The perennially forward-facing sheep dog pops up in the background again, as does Not!Poochy, but I don't think he's had a line yet.
"You can say that again! Castor and Pollacks once held their mother captive and their father Crommel came and freeed herrrr!" says deep-voiced gray dog.
"Our parents would've never—beatenCastorandPollacks without your help!" Saspinomel gives us his splayed-leg front-side view again! Dude, I think I could hide a cookie jar in those eyes.
"Castor and Pullicks beaten? Now that would REALLY be—interest me!" Balto (I'm just gonna call him that since it starts with "B" and we haven't been officially told his name yet) says.
Butch (let's face it, we all know the big stupid-voiced bulldog is Butch) adds, "Well I was ALSO there! I had, uh—"
I think that "uh" might've been inserted to make Butch sound stupider, but I have equal suspicions that it was just Brad flubbing his line again. The bespectacled dog (Whom I'm guessing is Mr. Bloom, because only smart people get called "Mr.") interrupts anyway. He also has Sexy Ducrow Narrator's voice. "Yesss that's the way it wuzzzzzzzuh." One, uh, he didn't actually tell us what it was. Two, what the crap were you doing at the mic there Janet? It sounds like Mr. Bloom fell asleep in mid-sentence! Is he also narcoleptic, just for the tokenism?
But we suddenly fade to white.
Ladies and gentlemen, the times has come for you to know The Truth about Dalmatians 3.
Know why we just got all that banter about Sasha and Saspinomel's awkwardly-named parents? Because, ladies and gentlemen. Do you know what Phoenix Games had the gall to do? Do you know what they have submitted us to?
This is a composit movie.
Dingo made two separate dalmatian movies. One about the initial couple, and one for their Spin-Offspring. So "Dalmatians 2" was, in a way. But Phoenix Games didn't use it this way. They crammed the two together.
Folks, we are now transitioning to a new movie smack-dab in the middle of an old one.
I do not envy you, Pirka. I can merely wish you luck. An inelegant task has fallen on your head. I am sure you will rise to the ocassion. But all this movie can now do... is fall.
We are all falling. And when the bottom comes up to meet us, we will plough on through.
I have seen the eyes of Hell, and they are the two in "Dingo Pictures."
edited 14th Oct '10 11:32:19 PM by FreezairForALimitedTime
Two, two, two movies in one!
I am dissolving in laughter and tears, like the Wicked Witch of the West on nitrous oxide. The nonsense plot, the terrible voices, the stupid plot devices, the characters so recycled Al Gore would say it's too much... I cannot tell you how nice it is to be on this side of the liveblog.
Oh wait YES I CAN IT IS AWESOME!
Why does the fact that Dingo-land has internet access..terrify me?
edited 15th Oct '10 1:26:11 AM by MichaelDj54
...THEY DIDN'T. O____<
...I'll do my bit when I get over the bone-chilling shock.
edited 14th Oct '10 7:21:58 PM by Pirka
^^ Because it means they could be here. Among us. Right now. (Although I suspect the "rubbishes" might give them away.
^ I smell a You Tube Poop.
That smell may be coming from the movie itself. In other words, it may already be a You Tube Poop of itself!
Oh, there's poop, all right...
I'm gonna update this soon, I swear to god...probably by Thursday, as I'll actually have time to waste watching this abomination.
Oh wow... this movie looks even worse than Pocahontas! Those are some sick dogs, and I don't know what happened to the Duck narrator's VA, but they need to get he back. This crows voice is literally ear-grating. As in, I can seriously feel the sensation of tiny cheese graters against my eardrums when I hear that thing speak. Freezair, Pirka, I commend your noble effort, and thank you for making viewing this movie somewhat bearable. The only bad thing about your review is the fact that it makes mine seem less funny by comparison.
If you can write semi-literately, you are already funnier than Dingo. Fact! You can write normal-literately, so you are already several orders of magnitude funnier than Dingo! Fact!
You're right, my 7 ranks in the knowledge(this sucks) skill is probably more than enough to tear Dingo a new one. Unfortunately, my Compliment Others Through Self-Deprecation feat only works if I pass the "don't compliment me back" check.
Well, I know I'm going to have to do this sooner or later. Since it's Friday night and, god forbid, I don't have much else to do...here comes part 4 of Dalmatians 3! Which is actually a prequel. Ohhhh frak.
Dalmatians 3: Part 4: Dalmatians 2...Sort Of
Dalmatians 3: Part 4: Mission Im-PAWS-Ible!
We begin with the flashback into the epic tale of Saspinomel, Lucy, and Not!Pino's parents. After fading in to a small group of dogs in one of Dingo's signature crayola watercolor set backgrounds, we get our first line of "dialogue" from a grey dog much like the one pre-flashback 9and quite possibly the same one, but who the eff knows anymore?):
"WE ARE THE BACKSTREET GAAAAANG! I AM THE BOSS!" ...FFFFFFFF BWAHAHAHA. I literally lol'd at this line. The voice acting is just...so...inconcievably bad and yet clearly effort is actually being put into it at this point. It sounds like dialogue being read off a telemprompter by 2nd graders doing a drama presentation. DAMN.
We cut way too promptly to the Hipster/Poochy-looking dog, complete with stylin' slingshot bling. "Freddyhobuddy!" I...what. What is he saying.
His odd greeting is apparently directed towards the original Crommel, who walks in looking exactly the same as he has in EVERY. SINGLE. DINGO. MOVIE. They didn't even bother to palette-swap. It must take actual effort to be this bad.
Crommel doesn't have a chance to speak before being interrupted by the world's worst case of Crossdressing Voices: Janet trying to sound male but apparently giving up mid-sentence. She voices a character with a familiar name and appearance. "HEERROH, AH'M TRAMP, the straaaaayyy."
The various characters introduce themselves again. Arguably, this is redundant, but it might be a case of Dingo knowing their audience have an attention span of three mileseconds.
Spectacles!Dog: Mypleasure Bloom! (Boom? Blue?) Book-keeper! (It cuts to the next dog before he can finish, but are you really surprised?)
Generic Bulldog: AND I'M BUTCH...DAT MEANZ BUTCHAAAAA. (Wow.)
Crommel introduces himself. At least he's got a different voice.
"CROMMEL CROMMEL I think I CUHN remembAH that." Butcher has an odd, unplaceable accent.
"I'll see about that BUTCH!" Replies Tramp, who might actually be a girl who the hell cares
"C'mon Crommel, why do you want this bunch? (!?) We need to find Toby and Timmy!" Oh, look, it's Luc — I mean Tooplechen or whatever the hell her name is in this universe. She speaks of more characters. Goody.
"Who're Toby n' Timmy?" asks a confused Poochie.
"They're Tooplechen's siblings (It took me three listens to realize he didn't say "Two fish" instead of "Tooplechen") they've disappeared and we promised to find them!" Answers Crommel.
"I'll pay you if you help me find my siblings..." says Lucy, confirming that Saspinomel's dad was a douche.
At this moment, random animal screams come out of nowhere and echo through the...dump, I think. Poochie seems distraught, but not by the soundtrack: "PAY US! DO YOU WAN' INSULT US?!"
Transexual Tramp barks in agreement, but, since this is Dingo Werld, we hear no sound. Tooplechen tries to defend herself, but DA BAWWWSSS (who looks as retarded as he sounds) shows that, in the days before strong female leads like Pocahontas and Anastasia, Dingo Werld was a male-supremacist society: "YOUR GIRLFRIEND HAS A LOT TO LEARN CAN'T SHE AT LEAST DO SOMETHING WORTHWHILE!?" What a dick.
"I can do tricks!" replies Tooplechen. Why does this sound like she's saying she'll pay them with sex....? "YES LOOK HERE!" Oh god, I can't look!
Transexual Tramp perks up to watch the show. Tooplechen shows that Lucy's odd flipping was, indeed, a hereditary thing.
All the other Clip Arts laugh at her. Is it in amusement? Mocking?
Apparently, it's amusement. "Braboooo, BRABOOO!" yells Butch.
The Boss makes his descision as if being rushed along. Seriously, I'm calling that this guy is the Dalmatians 3 version of Rasputin: I actually enjoy watching him because he's so over the top HAM that it's hilarious. "OKAY OKAY she can stay."
Hey, look who's back! It's the Sexy Crow Narrator, who, in a rather disturbing turn of events, has apparently been stalking this family from the beginning of time. "WELL THEN (Ow! Move the mic away, you idiot!) THAT WAS SETTLED. It was about time too because MY curiosity was getting the better of me! I JUST HAAAD to find out what had become of TOBY and TIMMYYYY!"
...Okay, stop the movie. I have to comment on this. This line suggests that Sexy Crow Narrator is not only present for these events but is consciously stalking these dogs for her own amusement. She's suddenly gone from "omnipresent narrator" to Eldritch Abomination in the span of one line. I'm genuinely frightened. With that, our good friend flies off into the...afternoon.
...and into A WORLD OF HORROR. The next scene actually shocked me for two reasons.
1) It shows two dalmatian pups, assumedly Toby and Timmy, are being forced into child labour.
But, much more shockingly...
2) THEY MADE NEW ANIMATION FOR THEM WORKING! They actually bothered!!
The two pups stand in front of an odd contraption as a voice in the background chants "LICK AND STICK, LICK AND STICK..." So, they're being forced to apply stamps on stuff?
The voice apparently belongs to one of those big black dogs from before, who gets caught up on her lines, simple as they are. "LICK...LICK..." No, seriously. She makes that mistake.
She continues to egg them on. "WHATSTHIS! FASHTER!" Um, I don't mean to be rude, but...COULD THIS POSSIBLY BE YOUR FAULT FOR SCREWING UP YOUR LINES?!
"But I'm thirsty..." complains Child Labourer #1.
"Your last break WASN'T NUFF EYE SEEEEH!" Shouts Drill Seargent Screwup.
"Please don't lie on cake again!" ...WELL THAT'S WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE
"SO CARRY ON! LICK AND STICK..." continues the black dog, whose seductive-poses-on-top-of-cakes cause the entire labour force to wish for Brain Bleach. At least, that's my interpretation of the line. Artistic merit.
Our Sexy Crow Narrator returns with a line that only raises more questions: "That's the way I imagined it!" SEXY CROW IS GOD. SHE CREATED THE HEAVEN AND THE WERLD. "Only not quite so bad!" Ah, are your powers evolving out of your control!? "Crommel and Tooplechen would have to hurry if they wanted to help...THOSE...TWO..." Okay, where's the evil laugh?
WHAT. JUST. HAPPENED.
I was joking about the evil laugh, but, a few seconds after that line, before cutting to the next scene, Sexy Crow Narrator lets out an ear-splitting scream for NO REASON. I'm...gonna have nightmares now.
Let's just...er...forget about that... *eye twitch*
"We need a plan!" Says Spectacles. We're back at the dump with our good friends the Narm Dog Gang.
"A plan yes that's the idea!" agrees Transexual Tramp.
"WELL IN STAGES: in the first stage we must find out how TOBY and TIMMY are guarded so that we might MAKE a PLAN for the SECOND stageeee! You got that?" Specs' plan is surprisingly complex. All we're missing is the little chart with arrows pointing in random directions. Apparently, Dingo didn't bother drawing it.
"EXACTGHULY." Says Crommel, apparently in the process of puking up a lung. "The best thing would be for me to go to the factory Castor and Pollacks don' know who I am yet AND..." BREATHE, CROMMEL!
Crommel is interrupted from his run-on sentence by Specs, who has magically teleported with his glasses powers. He says nothing, only making an intrigued expression as Crommel continues: "NNNNN Mr. Bloom can come with me! He sits working at his books all day so no one knows him at all!" Ahh, the lament of the common nerd.
"VERY WELL....if you say so!" Says Mr. Bloom, sounding like a girl and allowing the camera to linger away to Tooplechen, who tries to insert some dialogue: "Take care of yourself, Crommel!"
DRAMATIC MIDI BONGOS! It looks like it's time for this film's excuse for an action scene! Fade to black.
We fade back in to Specs and Crommel walking up a hill with, oddly enough, not the bongos - instead, we get a Dramatic MIDI Violin.
Tooplechen ducks in: "What happened Crommel! Did you see them are they alright?!"
Wait a sec. I know what just happened. THEY SKIPPED THE WHOLE SCENE. Too much excitement for a Dingo production, I take it?!
The real surprise is that they bother to make Crommel shake his head before Specs begins replying. "Nooo Tooplechen they're in a very bad way (wtf does that mean?) that PULLOCK's one should. ANYWAY..." NO. NOT 'anyway'. What did you just say!? I thought you were supposed to be The Smart Guy here! Did they Mind Rape you while you were at the prison/labour camp/pound? Did you finally realize that your god is an exhibitionist bird? EXPLAIN, MOVIE!
He continues. "...S'like this." Oh, so we're getting the action in flashback. Why?
Before actual decent storytelling between the movie's actual characters can take place, Sexy Crow Narrator decides to uphold Dingo's horrible reputation of breaking the "show, don't tell" rule so much it causes ones' organs to hemmorage. "So, Mr. Bloom told them!" THERE IS SO MUCH WRONG WITH THIS. Why should a narrator tell the audience that ANOTHER CHARACTER GAVE THE CHARACTERS EXPOSITION?! GRAAAHHHRGH "I have NEVER seen the dogs that furious! HM!" Why is the SCN constantly mentioning her own opinion?
Cut to— ARRGH ABOMINATION. It's like someone badly traced over a photo of a real dog. Uncanny Valley, ahoy! "How mean!" says Janet, giving this dog an equally disturbing voice.
The other dogs express their hatred of the black slave-driving dog.
"I just swallowed that Pollacks!" (?!)
"I'm withyou! (Badlydrawnfrontview!Butch time. Also, his voice changes between this sentence and the next one. It sounds like he's turning into the Hulk.) MEEE TOOO! I MEAN LET'S BEAT CASTOR POLLACKS TO A PULP AND THEN GET TUGFACE AND ZIBRAPE OUT OF THERE!" ...that's seriously what it sounds like. He calls Toby and Timmy 'Tugface and Zibrape'. ...SCREW THIS, THOSE ARE THEIR NAMES NOW.
"AND WHAT ABOUT THE ALAAAARM SYSTEM?" Says Cross-Eyed Boss Dog.
"Can't we just turd'n off ourselves?" You're already turd'n me off, Trannie Tramp.
"Our secret codes have six numbers and only one try according to the law of averages it's IMPOSSIBLE to find the right combination!" ...I'll let you speak for yourself, Mr. Specs Bloom.
"And if you very quietlysneakover THE — what does one call them? Sensors?" OH CRAP THEY'RE LEARNING TO DISABLE OUR SECURITY.
"Even if we SNEAK, we're still too heavy (?) and one of us is BOUND to step on them." Crommel is quick to lose hope.
"WHY ALWAYS MEEEEE" laments Butch, who just knows they're making a jab at his weight.
"WE'RE NOT GETTING ANY FURTHER LIKE THIS!" Interjects Hamboss. "YES I SUGGEST WE SLEEP ON IT AND TALK ABOUT IT IN THE MORNING." That seems to be fairly standard procedure in this movie.
Tooplechen laments to herself. "That's all they can talk about! Slapping and talking! Cowards! But I'llcomeupwith SOMETHING!" They say it's a man's world...
Cut to Sexy God Narrator. "IIIIII had a strange feeling and SURE ENOUGH, SOON AS DAH UDDERS WERE ASLEEP, Tooplechen headed off!" I actually have something other than SCN's omnipotence to comment on here - Dingo actually took the time to show the transition from day to night here. It was via a crappy darkening effect, mind you, but...still. That's more than I'd expect from them.
We then cut to Silhouette!Tooplechen crossing a silhouetted path. She walks into Silent Hill. Seriously, that's what it looks like, so I'm sticking with it. The same owl hoots repeatedly. COME ON PYRAMID HEAD. We then hear the snoring of the sleeping demon dogs, Castor and Pollacks, as Tooplechen approaches.
We then hear the sound of a railway (?!), see a quick shot of Tugface and Zibrape working through an inexpicably purple window, and cut to Tooplechin suddenly running away from nothing. Has this suddenly become an art film?
"TOBY! TIMMY!" cries Tooplechen. Unfortunately for her, she steps on an MS Paint starburst shape.
This apparently causes her to disappear for two frames and reappear with ENORMOUS GREY EYES BUGGING OUT OF HER HEAD. A net appears out of nowhere and captures her as she seizures like an asylum patient. I guess that was meant to be one of the 'sensors', but I'm pretty sure security systems don't work that way. Note that the panicking effect is simply flipping her art vertically, meaning, yes: the net flips too. Fail, Dingo.
"WELLLL WHO DO WE HAVE HEEEEERE" Screams either Castor or Pollacks, trying his/her/it's best to be a Batman villain. "A NICE LITTLE DALMATIAAAAAAANNNN!" It sounds like she's going to eat her.
We get a short PASS of God!Crow Narrator looking over the events before...BWAHAHA IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE A BACK VIEW?! Castor/Pollacks opens the door and spontaniously turns into an amorphous black globule of paint that might be dog-shaped if you squint really hard.
As the black dogblob reads out the passcode numbers, Sexy Crow Narrator listens intently...why do I have a strange feeling this will lead to the universe breaking? "And THAT'S supposed to be a secret code!" She remarks to no one in particular. "It's jussssst a SIMPLE MATHMATICS!" You're just a simple mind. "THAT'S all it is!"
...and now I have come to the end of my part of Dalmatians 2: Within Dalmatians 3. Dare I say it was actually kind of interesting in comparison to the odd gingerbread plot from before?
It's your move, Freezair. I wish you the best of luck in beginning Part 3 of this ghastly abomination.
...Nope, nope. Too easy.
edited 22nd Oct '10 9:28:55 PM by FreezairForALimitedTime
"I can do tricks!"
Lol at random screaming. It's like she just had a nervous breakdown and realized she's spent her life doing Dingo Pictures movies.
Lick and stick, lick and stick... wtf so random. And if it makes it slightly better, they did do new animation, but it's copy/pasted between them, so it's still really cheap.
UPDATE ON WHEN YOU CAN EXPECT REAL UPDATES!
I am currently more schoolwork than woman right now. It may be a while before I do a proper update. Or I may do small updates of a minute at a time, perhaps—still updating, and still ultimately doing all of my portion, but in a reasonable quantity.
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