Quotes / Worst News Judgment Ever

Blogs

I gotta tell you, I’ve been extremely uninterested in this Dick Tracy...But I am a fickle Comics Curmudgeon, faithful readers, and everything about today’s strip delights me. The sudden pivot to meteorite theft? The idea that there’s some kind of lucrative black market for meteorites out there? The managing editor at the The Daily deciding that there should be a front page banner headline about a new meteorite exhibit at the museum, and that the approximate dollar value of the meteorite is the most important thing to emphasize in said banner headline?

—The Comics Curmudgeon on Dick Tracy

Comic Strips

Editor: Whatcha want, intern Bloom?
Milo: Think I got a story, boss. An alien raiding ship has been laser-blasting most of town today. The Svenson brothers were turned into bacon. Mrs. Ditburg was sucked up into the ship for purposes too terrible to mention.
(Beat)
Editor: I suppose you expect me to bump my Jack Kemp adultery rumor story to page two!?
Milo: I didn't say that!

—Bloom County

Fan Works

"We interrupt this program to bring you breaking news. A kitten is stuck in a tree! That poor kitten! Will the fire department get to it in time?! And in other news, an explosion has completely destroyed a downtown city block."

Bakuhatsu Yangire Shoujo

Puppet Shows

Oh, alright. If it is trending, then it is our journalistic duty to IGNORE real news and interview her for hours!

— Tulio Triviño, 31 Minutos

Theatre

Newscaster Dan: Shock. Despair. Tragedy. All of Hatchetfield is reeling after an unspeakable loss. A loss to the Clivesdale Chemists. But chin up, Nighthawks! We'll get 'em next year!
Newscaster Donna: In other news, two Hatchetfield High students have been brutally murdered.

—Nerdy Prudes Must Die

Video Games

"God knows why, but the kid from Vault 101 is scouring the Capital Wasteland for a unique brand of Nuka-Cola. It's called Nuka-Cola Quantum, and I believe it was made in limited quantities before the war. I've also heard it tastes like radscorpion shit and turns your piss blue. Or does it taste like radscorpion piss and turn your shit blue? Whatever. Hey, wouldn't you know it, the Lone Wanderer is done collecting bottles of soda. Christ, talk about your slow news days."

— Three Dog, Fallout 3

Toilet paper shortage - stock up now!

— Railroad Tycoon II source code

Web Animation

Marv: Heya Joey! Boy-oh-Boy have I got a scoop for you!
Joe: Great, what is it, Marv?
Marv: Front page, headline tomorrow: "Amazing Paperboy Delivers. Earns Honors, Big Bucks" What a doozy, right? I smell Pulitzer!
Joe: I don't know, a newspaper story about a newspaper employee doing his job? That doesn't seem like a story at all.
Marv: Are you kidding? He delivered all of his papers perfectly without missing a single home or smashing a window! He managed to avoid a tornado, rabid dogs, and even the Angel of Death!
Joe: The Angel of Death!?
Marv: The Grim Reaper! He who rides the pale horse! El Muerte himself! And the kid avoided him! Incredible right?!
Joe: Why aren't we reporting on Death living in a small, suburban neighborhood?
Marv: Jeez Joe! I thought you wanted hot scoops! If I knew you wanted to put people to sleep, I would have given you that story about the sentient tire roaming the neighborhood!
Joe: (Beat) You're fired, Marv.
(cut to Spinning Paper with headline 'Newspaper Reporter Fired! "Way Too Meta" Says Editor')

— Paperboy Newsroom

Web Comics

Father: Millions have died in a global pandemic, and our society burned down. But the big thing I'm worried about is that my son plays too much Halo
Editor: Sir, this is The New York Times.
Father: And...?
Editor: ...and we think this is front page material.

— Penny Arcade, "Father Of The Year"

Man, you’d think a giant honey bun attack would go on the front page.

— Roomies, 'Men and Marriage' Rant.

Web Original

Nearly a full day has passed since the mass disappearances whisked away every single child on the planet, but this fact has not yet registered with Marge or Buck or any of the other crack journalists at "GW". ... This is understandable. Buck, after all, is a Very Important Journalist and his top priority just now has to be to get to New York to get started on a story about a conference of Jewish nationalists. Clearly, that's a bigger priority for GW's readers than some little item from the now-superfluous "parenting" pages.

—The Slacktivist on Left Behind

Matt: Stryker hands Wolverine a newspaper to prove that Pippin’s best pal has been murdered, and it legitimately has the meanest headline ever written: “CIRCUS FREAK DEAD.”
Chris: The original headline was “GET A LOAD OF THIS A**HOLE,” but they decided to show a little respect to the departed.

—Chris Sims and Matt Wilson on X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Web Video

"It's the famous lawn jockey statue; an old tradition, seen in Home Alone, for example. This may be common, but it's not common to see them come alive. This should be making headlines. I should be delivering "EXTRA! EXTRA! LAWN ORNAMENT ATTACKS PAPERBOY!" instead of "PAPERBOY CALLS IT QUITS." That's not newsworthy!"

—The Angry Video Game Nerd on Paperboy

"Forbes magazine is now covering AEW ticket sales? Are there no big developments in the oil industry? No breakthroughs in aerospace leading to billion dollar mergers? Are there no prisons, no workhouses? Forbes is covering AEW ticket sales now."

—Jim Cornette

"And how am I supposed to get out of my depression when 'An unusually heavy snowfall in Canada generates a month-long spell of avalanches, killing 163 elk and 16 people?!' ...Why did they lead with the elk?"

—Call Me Kevin, playing BitLife

Western Animation

Peter: Brandee, what's going on in the news?
Brandee: Breaking news from The Huffington Post — Prince bred purple dolphins.
Stewie: Wasn't a senator shot this morning?

—Family Guy, "Switch the Flip"

"I don't know what you call this stuff, but it sure isn't news!"

—Diamond Tiara, My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic

"Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tent, which he believes gives him sexual powers!"^note "Hey, that's a half-truth!"

—The Simpsons, "Homer Badman"

Angry Dad: Oh what a day! Maybe the headlines will cheer me up...
Newspaper: YOU SUCK, ANGRY DAD
Angry Dad: Grr... That's opinion, not news!

—The Simpsons, "I Am Furious (Yellow)"

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