"Brock Lesnar is a human cheat-code. He is 300 pounds of muscle and judging by the way he darts around, I don't think mass and inertia were properly explained to him. He has so much wild animal meat inside him at any time that bears unsheath their penis bones when his scent catches the wind. Brock Lesnar is exactly what you would use if you were making an army of super clone soldiers, which explains why his outgoing voicemail message is, "I am one of you, ordinary human. You can tell me where the resistance is hiding after the beep."
Brock is such a physical beast that in his first UFC fight, his second MMA fight ever, he got matched up against the former UFC Heavyweight Champion, Frank Mir. Despite having about 70 seconds of professional fighting experience, Brock was manhandling Frank. He threw him down, punched him down, and scientists everywhere started calling each other, trying to figure out which of their colleagues had finally figured out how to turn into the Hulk.
(...) One criticism of Brock's fighting technique is his lack of patience. In his early MMA fights, he tended to frantically whack at his opponents like his mother just deleted his save game. This never really mattered since a sloppy half-punch from Brock Lesnar is an extinction level event for spinal fluid. He has more muscles in his forearms than a clown has in his four freezers. Brock had to marry a pro wrestler because when he shifts in his sleep it's the equivalent of The Bushwhackers Irish-whipping you into a steel ladder."
Brock is such a physical beast that in his first UFC fight, his second MMA fight ever, he got matched up against the former UFC Heavyweight Champion, Frank Mir. Despite having about 70 seconds of professional fighting experience, Brock was manhandling Frank. He threw him down, punched him down, and scientists everywhere started calling each other, trying to figure out which of their colleagues had finally figured out how to turn into the Hulk.
(...) One criticism of Brock's fighting technique is his lack of patience. In his early MMA fights, he tended to frantically whack at his opponents like his mother just deleted his save game. This never really mattered since a sloppy half-punch from Brock Lesnar is an extinction level event for spinal fluid. He has more muscles in his forearms than a clown has in his four freezers. Brock had to marry a pro wrestler because when he shifts in his sleep it's the equivalent of The Bushwhackers Irish-whipping you into a steel ladder."
"So notice this, okay. There are a lot of people in the back who sit here and say, 'I could have been the one to jump from the ring to the Octagon'. But Daniel Bryan never fought in an Octagon. John Cena never fought in an Octagon. The Undertaker never fought in an Octagon. You know why? They're all wannabes. Brock Lesnar is the one! There are a lot of people who wanted to be the NCAA Division 1 heavyweight champion, the Ultimate Fighting champion, the undisputed WWE champion. The Rock never pulled that off; Hulk Hogan never pulled that off; "Stone Cold" Steve Austin never pulled that off. You know why? They're all wannabes. Brock Lesnar is the one!
"And then you got a bunch of guys in the locker room last night coming up to me saying, 'hey Paul, I could have been the one to break the streak; I could have beaten the Undertaker.' So why didn't you? Randy Orton didn't break the streak; Shawn Michaels didn't break the streak; Triple H didn't break the streak. Know why? They're all wannabes. Brock Lesnar is the one. Because Brock Lesnar is the one in 21-1."
"...let me say it slowly for you: Brock...Lesnar...Is...The...One...In...twenty-One...and...one."
"And then you got a bunch of guys in the locker room last night coming up to me saying, 'hey Paul, I could have been the one to break the streak; I could have beaten the Undertaker.' So why didn't you? Randy Orton didn't break the streak; Shawn Michaels didn't break the streak; Triple H didn't break the streak. Know why? They're all wannabes. Brock Lesnar is the one. Because Brock Lesnar is the one in 21-1."
"...let me say it slowly for you: Brock...Lesnar...Is...The...One...In...twenty-One...and...one."
—Paul Heyman, on Monday Night Raw 4/7/14, addressing the end of the Undertaker's streak.
"My client! Brock Lesnar! Conquered! The streak! My client! Brock Lesnar! Conquered! The streak! My client! Brock Lesnar! Conquered! The streak! My client! Brock Lesnar! Conquered! The streak!"
—Paul Heyman, on Monday Night Raw 4/14/14, addressing the end of the Undertaker's streak...again.
Heyman: I'm gonna tell you a joke, ready? Knock knock!
WWE Universe (and JBL): Who's there?
Heyman: Mike.
WWE Universe: Mike who?
Heyman: Mike-lient Brock Lesnar conquered the Undertaker's undefeated streak at Wrestlemania!
WWE Universe (and JBL): Who's there?
Heyman: Mike.
WWE Universe: Mike who?
Heyman: Mike-lient Brock Lesnar conquered the Undertaker's undefeated streak at Wrestlemania!
—One more time on Monday Night Raw, 4/28/14
"This legit shooter, this monster, this killer, this domineer, this crusher, this guy who eats people, literally eats them, he rips their heads off and eats them, this is Brock Lesnar we're talking about here. He doesn't date women. He goes into the forest and just fucks bears. He finds a bear and fucks it. And that's how he mates."
—-The Spoony One on his match with John Cena Summerslam 2014
