- This exchange between the landlady and Zuri in "The Talented Mr. Kipling":Landlady: You people have a vicious, cold-blooded reptile living in this building?
Zuri: Why not? You live here.
Jessie: All my boyfriends have to be at least 18. *looks at Mr. Kipling* And human.
- Same episode:
Emma: So Luke, you're 0 for 2.
[Emma walks outside after getting drinks for her and Luke]Emma: Did you get any good shots of the hawk? [she finds Luke asleep in his chair; shrieks] LUKE!!!Luke: [jolts awake] WHOAAA! [he gets up, then brushes himself off, annoyed at Emma.] OW!!
- Then later:
- When Ravi gets a mystical eyeball app on his computer:Ravi: Bertram, we have terrible news!
Bertram: Your parents are having another kid?
Ravi: No. You are going to get hurt doing the splits, choke on stuffing, and then get carried away by a dark, shadowy figure at 6:22 tomorrow!
Bertram: You figured all that out by asking yes or no questions?
Zuri: We asked a lot of questions.
Bertram: Well, I have a prediction. An incredibly handsome man will tap-dance out of the kitchen! *tap dances out of kitchen and blows a raspberry*
Bertram: I'm not going to get hurt doing the splits. *slips on a banana peel, then lands in a split pose* Ow!
- Later in the same ep:
Ravi: It said he would get hurt doing the splits, and he is doing the splits! (beat)
Zuri: And he was eating a banana split!
Ravi: A double split!
Bertram: Meanwhile, I'm splitting my pants!
Ravi and Zuri: A TRIPLE SPLIT!
Ravi: I guess a 3 dollar computer application cannot hold the answer to all of life's mysteries.
- And at the end of the ep:
Jessie: Yeah. *beat* Those cost 4.99!
- One of Creepy Connie's voice mails:
Zuri: Her tail is where her head used to be, but she can still run like the wind.
- After Jessie mentions having fixed Zuri's stuffed pony after it got eaten by Mr. Kipling:
- When Jessie freaks out on the subway:Emma: People are staring. And in New York, that's saying something.
- When Jessie is making a film for her friend Darla:Mrs. Chesterfield: Marla! Your friend is a terrible nanny! She couldn't take care of a bowl of sea monkeys.
Jessie: Hey! I'll have you know that all of my sea monkeys died of natural causes! (beat) ...And a thirsty cat.
- From "Used Karma" cue Zuri escorting Luke into the screening room.Zuri: The Great Ravi will see you now.
Ravi: Luke. I have been expecting you.
Luke: What is all this?
Ravi: You have just entered my lair.
Luke: Dude, it's the screening room.
Ravi: True, but it doubles as my lair.
Luke: Okay, isn't a lair usually underground-
Ravi: I TELL YOU, IT IS A LAIR!
Zuri: (to Luke) Just go with it.
Luke: Not the point. I need your help with my bad karma.
Ravi: I will help you, but first... admit to me this is a lair.
Jessie:Think of me like one of the boys.
- From the same episode
- This line from "The Princess and the Pea Brain":
- From "Creepy Connie's Curtain Call":Jessie: What did they think of my writing and directing?
Emma: *shows Jessie the review of her play*
Jessie: Wow. I did not know they were allowed to use words like that on a school website. Well, at least one good thing came from all this.
Emma: You realized the only Tony you're ever gonna get is our doorman?
- From "We Are So Grounded":Jessie: Emma, turn off your thingies. The pilot said electronic devices interfere with the plane's instruments.
Emma: He also said the pâté was fresh. He lies!
- In the Christmas Episode, Ravi's initial reaction to Zuri's description of Santa Claus:Ravi: So he is like Bertram?
Zuri: No. Santa likes his job!
- Ravi's Bait-and-Switch Comparison in "Cattle Calls and Scary Walls" when wondering whether to follow Emma or Kipling:Ravi: Do we follow the creature with a brain the size of a walnut or Mr. Kipling? *points to Kipling*
- From "One Day Wonders":Bertram (to Emma): If you want to look smarter, stand next to Luke.
- When Ravi is trapped inside Bertram's room after an avalanche of junk, he finds what he at first thinks is a cheese puff. In an inversion of the "That's a Cheeto" scene from Despicable Me, it's implied that it was actually a caterpillar since a few seconds later he exclaims "Not a cheese puff, it was not...A CHEESE PUFF!"
- The Hilarious Outtakes in "To Be Me Or Not To Be Me", in which Karan Brar forgets to speak with Ravi's Indian accent, Cameron Boyce snorts popcorn out his nose, Debby Ryan accidentally says "freakfast" (rhymes with "breakfast", which she intended to say) and Kevin Chamberlin gets stuck sitting.
- This exchange from "Kids Don't Wanna Be Shunned":Jessie: I had my own Bryn in high school. Jenna Glowinki. She tried to turn all my friends against me.
Bertram: You had friends? Aargh! I owe Zuri ten bucks.
- From the exact same episode (actually, the exact same exchange) where Jessie warns Bertram of how evil teenagers can be before Bertram points out the Hypocritical Humor in being lectured by a teenager - with Jessie retorting for Bertram to consequently watch his back.
- When Bertram has a nightmare about Luke and Emma as goats in "Gotcha Day".Goat!Luke:We destroy. You clean. It is the circle of messes.
- In "Creepy Connie's Curtain Call", the title character of the episode shows her trying to get the lead part of Jessie's play. It works when she said the lines backwards.Connie: Luckily, I know the part forwards "Ben, you know you are the only one for me" and backwards "Me for one only the are you know you, Ben".
Jessie: Part the got you, wow!
Ravi:She was about to brand me. This is our compromise.
- Jessie's Bad "Bad Acting" pretty much sells it.
- And this exchange:
- "Bosh, Bosh oh, my gosh, our team's gonna kick your tosh!" - even going somewhat memetic for a bit in big part due to /sp/ and even Gawker's Deadspin blog running away with it (no doubt the attention Bosh and the Heat especially got during the LeBron years helped).
Jessie: Now, was that so hard?
- In the same episode, " Say Yes to the Messy Dress", Jessie used this chant to snap out of Chris Bosh to the point he slam dunks like a pro. Oh, and there was some screaming too.
Jessie: Okay, handled.Ravi: Oh, thank you for breaking that up, Jessie. Who would have thought this would be the day the rats fought back?Jessie: [Chuckles] Well, no harm done.Ravi: Correct. As long as you do not look down. Jessie look down to see Emma's dress is shreddedJessie: [Gasps] Harm's done! So much harm! She runs out the room in panic
- Earlier, Jessie wears the dress that Emma didn't want her to. She wears it but the zipper is stuck. Then when she help Ravi save Mrs. Kipling and her babies, we get this little gem:
- In "Creepy Connie 3: The Creepening", Ravi and Jessie end up trapped in a stalled elevator. Ravi gets on Jessie's shoulders to climb through an escape hatch. Hilarity Ensues:Jessie: Okay, now pull yourself up.
Ravi: (snarkily) Apparently, you are not familiar with my lack of upper body strength.
Jessie: Push me up.
- The hilarity continues when the plan fails and Jessie has to stand on Ravi's shoulders instead:
Ravi: Apparently, you are not familiar with my lack of lower body strength either.
- Ravi, attempting to prove that he and Connie were together, shows her a lock of her hair in his scrapbook:Connie: I gave you a lock of my hair?
Ravi: How I got it is not important.
- Especially funny given how the whole episode is about Connie being a dangerous stalker
- From the same episode as above:Connie: (singing while pushing a restrained Luke tied to a delivery dolley) Here comes the groom!Luke: Oh no!Connie: I found him in his room! He's such a cutie! His name is Lukey-Pookey!
- Both Sierra McCormick and G. Hannelius in general steal the show through some really good scenery chewing.
- From "Hoedown Showdown" Jessie starts a band to get back at Ravi's school band teacher for rejecting Ravi. Unfortunately, they're terrible and when Jessie goes to Bertram for advice we get this gem:Jessie: "This is serious, they sound awful. If they play in the battle of the bands, they'll humiliate themselves and these kids already get so many swirlies they bring snorkels to school."
Bertram: "So, hide their instruments."
Jessie: "Wait, that's brilliant. But what if they find out?"
Bertram: "What are they gonna do? Beat you up? Heck, one of them threw their back out playing the triangle"
Jessie: "Good point. Wait, did you just help me?"
Bertram: "I know, felt weird on my end too."
- And from the same episode, Emma trying to teach Maybelle how to "speak proper." Including a duet by Maybelle and Zuri about "fried potater." In fact, the relationship between Zuri and Maybelle in general.
- Pretty much the entire climax of "Coffee Talk", which manages to parody your typical Soap Opera love triangle...with a sentient, robotic coffee maker as the lead woman. We couldn't make this stuff up if we tried, folks.
Funny / Jessie