Quotes from the highly quotable Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Clive: "...I think I heard a cry of "masturbation" back there, but I'm afraid you're on your own on that one..."
Clive: "...Somebody always
sugggests 'Swedish porn'!... Is it the same someone who comes every week... so to speak?
(before "Weird Superheroes")
Smart aleck in audience: "Ejaculator man!"
Clive: "Come again?
" (audience explodes)
Clive: "Constipatedly? Is that a suggestion or a cry for help?"
Clive: "'Biblical comedy'? What, like 'on the third day He fell over'...?"
Clive: "What nursery rhymes has lesbians in it?"
(before the infamous tights-and-waxing Improbable Mission) Authors
Clive: "'Waxing my bikini line'? I don't know how you can tell from there..."
Film, Tv, Theater Styles
Josie: "I've chosen Louisa M Alcott; for those of you who don't know, she wrote Little Women, Little Men
and Little Wives
Clive: "Yes... and little else..."
Scene: a man is talking to his builder
Paul: I'd like to lodge a complaint...
Tony: It's the plumbing, isn't it?
Paul: It's the plumbing, the floorboards - rather the lack of them, there's no roof, no walls, it's just a building site with a card with Your House written on it...
Clive: (buzzes) Let's do Greek Tragedy.
Tony: The problem is that the builder has been murdered, Off-stage! (laughter)
Paul: Not Stavrost, surely!
Tony: No, Escalus, with a knife, dripping in the Mediterranean sun, he plastered his bricks and died.
Paul: That's rather unlucky in Peckham isn't it?
Scene: Colin and Ryan are explorers in the Amazon World's Worst
Scenes From A Hat
Ryan: Y'know, the hippos around here are quite fierce too - you wouldn't think of them as meat animals, but they can rip a man apart.
Colin: What about a woman?
Ryan: ...Well, a woman can rip a man apart too, but...
Clive: (reads suggestion) "Houseflies, on a date."
Ryan: (to his 'date') "Care for any more... turd?"
Clive: (reads another) "Bringing bad news to the king."
Chip: "My lord... the flies have eaten all your turd..."
Clive: (reads) "Unlikely erogenous zones.
Tony: (to Josie) "Algeria.
Colin: "I like wearing pants that are really really tight
I wear them in the day and I wear them in the night
Now some people think they affect my circulation
But I..." (passes out on the floor)
Colin: "Come on over to Canada, we've got mountains galore!
We've got people who sleep soundly, you'll never hear them snore!
We've got trees and planes and things and things and things and things and things,
And everyone - EVERYONE - ...sings better than this."
Colin: (in a winged medieval helmet) "I will make love to you till I'm Thor
Caroline: (using the same helmet) "...well they said to try something with wings, so I did..."
Ryan (in the middle of an unrelated Running Gag, puts on a huge hat piled with fruit)
: I really have nothing to say...I just like wearing this.
Colin (wearing a Conehead helmet): Just use your imagination.
Tony: (mimes making a phone call) "Is that Clive Anderson's Ties Company? Yes, I think you should shut down. Bye!"
Tony: (dancing wildly when the doorbell goes off) "...I wish I had a record player." (answers door)
Tony: Oh, I'm so nervous, this is my first party...now, did I forget anything? Oh, food and drink. Ah well, can't be helped. (answers door)
Home Shopping Channel
Things to sell: Somebody else's photos, an umbrella handle, and a pot of cold onion gravy
Ryan: It's four o'clock and...it's time to shop! I'm Gary!
Colin: And I'm Gary too!
Ryan: And boy have we got some bargains for you today, so get out those cheque books and get on that phone!
Colin: Hey Gary, what's that you've got in your hand?
Ryan: Well I've got pictures here Gary are they...oh! I don't remember taking these pictures!
Colin: Why, they seem to be pictures of someone totally someone different from you!
Ryan: Well that's lucky for me 'cause every member of my family is so damn ugly that I don't want to take pictures of them, but these are beautiful pictures. (Showing photos) Look how beautiful my wife is!
Colin: She's beautiful!
Ryan: Look how gorgeous my kids are!
Colin: They're beautiful!
Ryan: This is us in Tahiti, you know where that is?
Ryan: I don't know where that it because I've never been there - Or have I?? Who knows!
Colin: You can impress your friends, and...
Both: More friends! More of them!
Ryan: Say Gary, what's that, a pretzel?
Ryan: What is it?
Colin: Well what does it look like?
Ryan: Hmm. It looks like an umbrella, but it's not all there.
Colin: No it isn't. You know what, so many times pirates are going out, and they're wondering "Gee, you know those hooks are just killing me when I scratch my eyes."
Ryan (waves a photo): You mean pirates like this?
Colin: That's right! That's why we have these lovely new ceramic hooks, for the pirate that you love! Just attach, and then when they have an itch (scratches himself with it) No more eye patch!
Ryan: Say, I wonder if pirates can cook better with that.
Colin: Why of course! It's non-stick!
Ryan: Do you think you could make some onion gravy?
Colin: Onion gravy? That would be too much to hope for!
Ryan: Hey Gary, you know where the best onion gravy I ever had was?
Colin: No Gary!
Ryan: Paris Gary! Never been there - Or have I??
You know what? We're having a special for this night only. For the next three hours, we're selling enough cold onion gravy - you heard me right
, onion gravy and it's cold!
Ryan: And if you call in less than ten minutes, (Pulls out photo) You get a picture of me with Gary's wife!
(Colin grins along, then looks puzzled - he and Ryan stare at each other - Clive buzzes them out)
(Mike McShane and Sandi Toksvig get a stickly toy gel-thing)
Sandi: (slap it back into Mike's hands) "I love you, I swallowed it, here's the end product."
(Expert Translation: Paul Merton translates for Steve Steen as an Albanian expert on television)
Paul: "Good evening everyone, I am very pleased to be here in your wonderful country."
Steve: "Le vouschou endezenya deneebouscheletede."
Paul: "How can I best describe to you the wonder that is Albanian television."
Steve: (singsong) "Ohhh vezkenyezke viekouziekezenya..."
Steve: "Da mouskenetenya dara vouzkenetnya-vezkeyotezenya eehh..."
Paul: "Now when I say rubbish, let me be a bit more specific than that, it's more than rubbish..."
Paul: "It's crap."
Steve: "Aaah! Vezhenyetnebutekanyeteva."
Paul: "Oh, I can hear you throwing your arms up in amazement, surely no Albanian television isn't as bad as that..."
Steve: (agitated) "Vaza histemetemutuenya bada histenya!"
Steve: "Aaaah zkudedya!"
Paul: "Postman Pat isn't even in it!" (beat
Steve: "Voutkenalia kalivizchenyep."
Paul: "But what else can I tell you..."
Steve: "Buskoumetnye (singsong, acting like a cowboy) Ezkevoutenya... ezkevoutebaya... (tosses and catches his gun) Hoi!... Eveskemetepai desmatyepyazey..."
Paul: "...We do get quite a lot of Shirley Bassey."
(Secret: Ryan is Tonto and Colin is the Lone Ranger)
(Backwards Scene: Ryan and Colin are in a Wild West saloon)
Ryan: (cheesy laughter) "A penguin!"
Colin: (similarly) "...I give up, what?"
Ryan: (beat) "What am I gonna shove up your ass if you don't get me a beer?"
"Welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway?, the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are like...
"...our border with Mexico."
"...the spy satellites over Canada."
"...whoever's standing behind you in a buffet line."
"...everything else when you own a Porsche
Ryan: "None of us would know, Drew..."
"...Blair Witch 2."
Robin Williams: (runs up to the camera) "Get out, get out!"
"...when I say 'I love you' when I'm drunk."
Wayne: (mock anguish) "Nooo!!
"...last names at closing time."
"...a stripper's name."
(Greg gets up and leaves in a mock hissyfit)
"...four of the Jackson Five."
"...flat abs when you've got a great sense of humor and two TV shows."
"At the end of the show, the winner gets to do a little something special with me...
"...Or is it... the loser?"
"...and the loser has to mop it up."
"...the loser has to lead the goat back to the yard."
"...and the loser has to sew it back on."
"...and the loser has to do it twice."
"...and the loser has to do something special with Ryan
"...then we usually go out a couple of times, and then we break up. (Sighs.) But that's how it goes, I guess."
"...What the hell, so does the loser."
"...and that's why we'll never win an Emmy."
"Welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway?, I'm Drew Carey..."
"During the break, did you talk to your daughter, did you tell her you love her? I did."
"...I never touched your daughter, quit calling me."
Film, TV, Theater Styles
"For my next trick, I'll need a female audience member and twenty minutes."
Colin: (excited) "Hi!"
Ryan: "How are you?"
Colin: "Fine! W..."
Ryan: "We don't know what you're watching, so we're not gonna tell you when we return you to it!"
Colin: "Oh, we would... We're watching animal porn!"
(audience explodes, Colin realize he say something out of the blue while burying his face and takes a moment.)
Ryan: What? (As he began to crack up while Drew buzz Colin.)
(Ryan really cracks up while covering his face while Drew buzzes again, the game is practically aborted as we see Wayne, Jeff and Drew's reactions for a bit.)
Colin: "...I'm sorry, I apologize."
Ryan: (mock-chirpy) "He's so happy! 'We're Watching Animal Porn'!"
Colin: "As our regular viewers know, I'm a child of the streets..." (pause for laughter)
Colin: "...and if you order RIGHT NOW..."
"...we'll throw in one of Ryan's shoes, which comfortably seats 4!"
"...we'll send you absolutely free, absolutely nothing!!"
"...we'll send you absolutely free, the box it comes in!"
"...it'll still take 4 to 6 weeks to get there."
"...we'll send you —free— a box of fresh AIR!! That's right!! Air!"
Ryan: "Oh we just can't give away fresh air!"
Colin: "Yes we can! From the makers of Breath Free, makers of air for Eternityyyy! (starts to laugh at what the hell he just said)
Colin: "Every song a hit..."
Ryan: "Say, Colin. What do you think of when I say Ricky Ricardo
and great cigars?"
Colin: "Oh, TAPIOCA!!"
Ryan: (Confused) "Really? Why's that?"
Colin: "Wasn't that his big hit? (Sings) Tapioooocaaaaaa!"
Ryan: (Giggling) "No, Colin. I'm talking about Cu-" (Cracks up) "I'm talking about Cuba, Col-" (Laughing)
Colin: "Cuba! (pause) It's a small island."
Ryan: (Still trying to compose himself) "It is!...Why don't you tell the people about it?"
Ryan: "Say, Colin. What bird says the name of our next musical number?"
Colin: (Confused) "A Tern? An Arctic Tern?"
Ryan: (Confused) "Really? And what sound does an Arctic Tern make?"
Ryan: (Cracks up for a few seconds and then say to him, still cracking up). NO! (While the cam shows Wayne, Brad & Drew laughing too) "No, Col, that's wrong.
Colin: "Y'know, teachers are the most misunderstood of all mammals..."
Ryan: We interrupt your movie, Men In Back, while we tell you about a special offer. Col?
Colin: I'm kinda tired, why don't you take it?
(Colin and Ryan head back to their seats)
Drew: I don't know if anyone told you, but we have a campus minister and a 17-year-old in the audience.
(re. Songs of Pregnancy/Childbirth)
Colin: (gesticulating) "Y'know, a lot of people find different reasons for liking certain bands."
Ryan: (even more gesticulating) "They do?! Do they really?!"
Colin: (smiling) "Yes, yes they do." (face turns fed-up immediately)
Colin: (smiling again) "Let's get back to more of the great CD hits we have on here. We've covered almost everyone - Oh no we haven't!
Ryan: "Is something left?"
Colin: "There's more than something, there's KISS
!" (tries to do Gene Simmons' tongue-waggle, audience laughs) "I always gag a little when I try that..."
Ryan: "I see, you got a little (indicating his teeth) something right there, a little bit of... (Colin picks his teeth) You got it, you got it."
Colin: "And who can forget that great KISS pregnancy song - It kinda links in a way, doesn't it?"
Ryan: "Yes, it does!" (pause for laughter) "One leads to the other!"
Colin: "I guess it does." (pat on Ryan's shoulder) "You'll find out. Anyway..."
(another pause as audience laughs and Ryan starts looking very glum indeed
Colin: "That great KISS song - 'Ooh! Placenta!'" (Ryan cracks up)
(From "Songs of Marriage")
Colin: "You know what?"
Colin: "I love the Beach Boys
Ryan: "The Beach Boys?"
Colin: "I really do!"
Ryan: "That's on this album?"
Colin: "Oh, the amazing harmonies of the vocals, and the clear, crisp musical notes -"
Ryan: "-they had together!"
Colin: "Oh, they were amazing
. And who can forget this great hit-"
Ryan: "I know I could never!"
Colin: "Oh, I tell you, this song will stay with you for hours
. It is called: "I'm the Groom"." [A quick guitar riff is played.]
Wayne/Brad: [singing, with backing music starting up in between "oohs"]
"I'm going to get married! / I'm gonna find myself a guy!" [Beat, as Wayne realizes what he just said, and then breaks into laughter. The music plays some discordant notes as the song screeches to a halt - then Wayne leaps over to the piano and starts mashing random keys.]
Brad: [in thick British accent]
"THE BAND'S HAD A LITTLE TOO MUCH TO DRINK!"
Ryan: "That's a very special song on this CD set, because that's the exact
moment they broke up as a group."
(From "Songs of Science Fiction") Scenes From A Hat
Colin: Just sit back and enjoy this - well, what you're about to see - from that great breakdance hit, "Asteroid Boogaloo."
(After about ninety seconds of dancing with Wayne, Colin rushes back to his stool, to uproarious applause.)
Ryan: Wow! Is that the - *audience calms down* Is that the only shirt you have?
Colin: *Pauses to catch his breath* Why don't you talk for a while?
* Everyone else laughs*
Ryan: Wow! Still tired, and they shot that two weeks ago! *Colin nods* Huh. Well!
Drew: (picking from the hat) "Entries in Drew Carey's Diary."
Ryan: "Dear Diary:... Ryan looked at me the other day. (Drew starts buzzing) How I wish he would come over to my desk and then we c... (buzzing continues, Ryan leaves)
Ryan: "Dear Diary:... (audience already laughing) When will people find out I'm not a man?" (buzzed out)
Drew: (picks another one) "What our audience is thinking right now."
Ryan: (immediately) "Wonder if that's all true?"
(From the episode with UK regular turned special guest Josie Lawrence)
Drew: "Here we go. Rejected Themes For Restaurants."
Wayne: (singing) "C'mon in, Howdy feller / You can catch, Salmonella / Eat it!"
Josie: (overexcited) "Hello and welcome to Dead Cats, 109 recipes that you can do with your pussy!"
(audience explodes, Wayne is visibly speechless and cover his face while Colin and Ryan grin ear to ear)
Drew: "I dunno if they told you, but in America we can only get away with that if you pronounce it puss-ay..."
(more laughs all round)
Josie: "I'm so sorry..."
Drew: "That's all right, hey..."
Ryan: "Oh don't be sorry!"
Ryan: (indicating the directors) "They
don't like it!"
Drew: "Times You Don't Want The Spotlight On You."
Kathy: "I'll just try on these bikinis in here I guess..." *wildtake*
Wayne: (MANLY voice
) "I'll just try on these bikinis in here I guess..." *see above*
Drew: "Annnouncements that will make this audience cheer wildly."
Ryan: (with imaginary megaphone) "In ten minutes, we bring out the liquor!"
Wayne: (same) "I'M the licker!"
Ryan: (again) "Everyone please retain your ticket stubs; we will now raffle off Drew's Porsche!"
Drew: "Giving Your Date's Parents Too Much Information."
Wayne: "Don't worry, Mrs Johnson, I'll have her back by 10. I'll be finished by then."
Wayne: (accompanied by Chip) "Don't worry, Mr & Mrs Johnson, we'll
have her back by 10." (cheeky grins)
Drew: "If Award Recipients Were Completely Honest In Their Acceptance Speeches."
Wayne: "I'd like to thank the Dark One
, for making this possible..."
Colin: "Man... you don't know how many (bleep) I've had my (bleep) up just to get this...!"
Wayne: (self-satisfied grin) "It's been an honor working with Colin Mochrie all these years..."
Drew: "What Robin Williams is thinking right now."
Drew: "Things found in Drew Carey's day planner."
Wayne: "Eight-thirty: Count my money! Nine o'clock: count my money! Ten o'clock..." (*buzz*)
Ryan: "Eight o'clock: Blow up... (scratches it out
) Pick up dates..."
Drew: "Visions of Hell other than fire and brimstone."
Wayne: "Mississippi... I'm
still in Mississippi..."
Drew: "Famous Hollywood Roles As Played By Carol Channing."
Drew: "Things you don't expect to hear when you put your ear to a seashell."
Wayne: (Pretend to hear from a seashell) PUT ME DOWN! (surprise and drops it)
Robin: (Pretend to hear from a seashell) Who's your Daddy?
Drew: "Other people Dorothy might have met on the way to the Wizard of Oz.
Ryan: "Hi, I'm Drew Carey, I need some more bald jokes for my show..."
Colin: "Hi, I'm the Teflon Eunuch..."
Drew: "Phrases you can use to describe a truck, but not your girlfriend."
Greg: "Wow, you can fit four in there!"
Drew: "Graffiti in the Whose Line bathroom."
Brad: (pretending to read) "Colin is here"?!" (looks up)
Ryan: (pretends to sit on toilet, stands up, looks down, looks up again, pretends to write
) "I give myself a thousand points!". (walks away, walks back, pretends to flush
Drew: "The good news and the bad news."
Brad: (to Wayne) The good news is we're going to name a disease after you. (Wayne sighs in relief until he stops in realization it's not good news)
Colin: (to Wayne
) You're on a funny show. It's against Friends
Wayne: (to Colin
) Honey, I'm pregnant! Meet the father! (Brad walks over and hugs Wayne
Drew: "Moments when cheerleading is inappropriate."
Greg: Grandpa's dead! Gimme a D! Gimme a E! Gimme a-come on! where's you're enthusiasm?!
Ryan: Vasectomy! Vasectomy! Clip! Clip! Clip!
Wayne: Okay! Somebody's goin' to the 'lectric chair! Gonna fry! Gonna fry! Somebody's goin' to the 'lectric chair! Gonna fry! Gonna-(pretends to be electrocuted
) come on!
Drew: "Bad times to use the athletic butt slap."
Chip: Your majesty... (pretends to slap)
Ryan: (walking out with Colin) I'm sorry, but your husband's not going to make it. (pretends to slap Colin's butt)
Wayne: (walks out with Chip, kneeling, speaking with high voice) On behalf of the entire 3rd grade class, we'd like to present you with the best teacher award. (begins slapping Chip's butt)
Chip: (walks out with Wayne
) How are the hemorrhoids? (slaps Wayne's butt, making Wayne scream in pain
Drew: "Hillbilly proverbs."
Drew: "Refreshingly honest statements that could earn you a black eye."
Wayne: Drew doesn't do a damn thing.
(Drew buzzes him repeatedly, in rhythm. Wayne mouths "Nothing."
) Just read off the cards. Just read off the...(imitates the buzzer
) That's all.
Brad: (to Ryan) Ryan, does anyone tell you look like Doogie Howzer? (Ryan mimes punching him)
(out again) Brad: I want you to punch me hard in the eye. (Ryan punches him at the groin instead)
(Then, Wayne is about to come down but goes back onto the ledge)
Drew: Go ahead. No, go ahead, please.
Wayne: No, it isn't...no, no, it's okay.
Drew: I insist.
Wayne: (steps down
) Honey, well, those jeans do
make you look a little
(Drew fakes laughter
) Shut up! (Drew buzzes him
Drew: "Bad names for perfume".
Ryan: You know you're getting lucky when you're wearing "Eau de Pork"...
Drew: "World's worst catchphrases".
Drew: "Bad songs to sing in prison".
Wayne: Now who's the slightly effeminate one? That's me! That's me!
Ryan: Jim's escaping through the hole in the wall! The hole in the wall, the hole in...
Colin: With the wig, you remind me of Julia...
Drew: "Pull the string on the Drew Carey doll and it says..."
Ryan: (pretending to pull string on doll) "Lower..."
and I are the same person!"
Drew: "The title of Drew Carey's second book."
Wayne: (pretending to hold book
) Hmm, "My Life of Leisure: Behind the Desk
Drew: "Nightly bedside prayers of Whose Line cast members."
Wayne: Please, Lord. Don't let the Mr. Drew come in my window.
Brad: Jesus? Don't let Wayne knock over the table.
Colin: Lord, please get me out of my contract that says I must shave my head so they can keep making bald jokes.
Drew: "Unlikely subjects to be the basis for a musical."
Ryan: (singing) What's the matter with roadkill? What's the matter with roadkill?!
Colin: (singing) How does food become poo? I'll...tell...YOU!
) Why...do dogs lick themselves?
Drew: "What Lassie was really trying to tell everybody.
Drew: "Rejected welcome signs of US states."
Wayne: (pretending to drive) Come and *hang out* in Alabama! (pretends to turn around)
Ryan: (pretending to drive) Welcome to Montana. There's nobody here.
Greg: (pretending to drive) Entering Ohio. Watch out for Drew! (pretends to drive over a bump)
Ryan: (pretending to drive) Welcome to Hawaii. How'd you get here in a car?
Colin: (pretending to drive) Entering Rhode Island. Thanks for visiting Rhode Island.
Ryan: (pretending to drive
) Utah welcomes you and your wives.
Drew: "If people broke into song in real life."
(Ryan pretends to sit down)
) Where did all the toilet paper go, the toilet paper go, the toilet paper go?...
(Wayne, Chip and Colin walk out)
Wayne: (imitating elevator bell) Ding! (singing) Who did it? Who did it?
Chip: (singing) Not me! (pointing at Colin) Must've been him!
) Guilty as charged!
) I've lost my (Bleep) note
Drew: "Difficult Questions for Mommy to Answer."
Colin: "Mommy, how come no one looks like me
Drew: I said "Difficult Questions"...
Colin: I'm adorable.
(the audience cheers)
Drew: "Pick-up lines as written by Dr. Seuss.
Ryan: Come sleep with me! Come sleep with me twice! I think that would be very nice! Looky looky, at the size of my shoe! You know what they say?
Yes, it is true!
Drew: "Rejected endings to the film 'Titanic'."
Brad: I'm king of the squirrels! (pretends to act like a squirrel)
(Brad and Wayne walk onstage)
Wayne (holding Brad's hand): Rose, promise me that you'll... Hey, I can stand up!
(Brad and Colin walk on)
Drew: "Rejected theme songs — oh, jeez — rejected theme songs from the movie 'Titanic'."
Brad: "I love the taste of salt water... filling my lungs."
Colin: "Corpses bobbing in the sea. Ha ha ha ha, hee hee hee."
Drew: "What they really talk about in football huddles."
(Wayne and Chip huddle up)
Chip: (in effeminate voice
) He's such a bitch, he scratched my eyes out!
Drew: "Times when Eeny-Meeny-Miny-Moe is not an appropriate selection method."
(Brad, Ryan, and Colin walk out)
Brad: (pointing at Ryan and Colin
) ...miny-moe. Congratulations, Mr. Bush.
Ryan: Huh, this is even easier than I thought!
Colin: I'm so horny I can't think straight!
Drew: "First lines of the worst poems ever written"
Wayne: When I was drunk, you were beautiful...
Colin: Though you come from the small town of Pot-Pucker...
Drew: "Albums doomed to be flops."
Drew: "Least likely to win the 2000 presidential race."
Drew: "When it's unwise to say "I Don't Care".
Wayne: [pretending to hold a TV remote]
Yeah, I love you too. Tccch!
Drew: "Scenes from Wayne's real life!" [Wayne looks mildly insulted. Drew moves on to the next card.]
Drew: "People you wish would just shut up.
Wayne: (Mimicking Drew fetching a scene from the hat)
"People you wish would just shut up."
Drew: "Famous film scenes as performed by cartoon characters.
Drew: "Unlikely cowboy songs.
Ryan: (Broadway style
) Things are great in the CITYYY! The city, the city, the city! (buzzed
) Well, my woman stayed true and I'm sober! (buzzed
Ryan: Oh I've been on the range, 45 days, and that cow's looking good to me... To me... (buzzed
) To me... (buzzed again
likely cowboy songs. (Ryan steps off)
Wayne: Oh I can't wait, to go to Harlem / I can't wait, all night long, HEE-HEE!!
Drew: "Things you shouldn't do at the last minute.
Greg: (to Wayne
) And have a good first day of school! Daddy's gay.
Wayne: Thank y–(Double Take
Drew: "Times when it would be nice to have the ability to be beamed up.
(Greg and Wayne walk out
Greg: So, if you buy a full-term annuity policy, that would cover- (Wayne pretends to press a button on his shirt, making transporter sound effects
) Come back, we haven't bought fire insurance...
Wayne: (badly impersonating John Wayne
) It's time for my John Wayne impression...
(pretends to beam out
(Greg and Wayne walk out, pretending to be in bed
Greg: "Good evening and welcome to the evening news, I'm..."
"...fun after dark."
"...sick of Survivor
Colin: "Good evening and welcome to the 6 o'clock news, I'm your anchor..."
"...Yasser Yasser Threebagsfull."
(camera cuts to Drew, who nearly has a Spit Take
at the joke)
Colin: "Famous Playboy Hugh Hefner successfully managed to stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property. The police forced the friars to close down their stall, which was outside the Playboy mansion, where they had been selling flowers. Said one friar, 'Well, if it was anyone else we could've gotten away from it, but unfortunately, only Hugh can prevent florist friars
) Try saying that three times."
Colin: "Convicted hitman Jimmy "Two-Shoes" McClardy confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field, using only two small porcelain figures.
Police admit this may be a first known case of a knick-knack paddy whack."
Colin: "60s musical group The Byrds today announced a 24-city reunion tour, with their new band member, George W. Bush
. To save on money, Mr. Bush will play guitars and drums. According to a spokesman, a Bush in the band is worth two in The Byrds."
Drew: "It's good to know that whenever we're in a time of crisis, Captain Bloodloss
will be there..."
(...Self-Help TV Program)
Colin: "Oh, those frustrating banana peels! How do you get them off the banana?" (laughter) "Hold the banana firmly in one hand..." (buzzed out)
(...Priest or Rabbi)
Drew: (impersonating Jerry Lewis
) Well hi if ya gimme the knife and the baby! I'll give it a li'l cut with the hey!
(Greg wears a large fish head)
Greg: (quietly laughing to himself, then) "I have a giant fish head on... I'm forty-two f—king years old..."
(Wayne later uses the same fish head)
Wayne: "I'm just looking for a nice piece of bass..."
Greg: (wearing a multi-colored afro) "Hi. I'm the guy who always sits in front of you on the bleachers..."
Greg: (in a Native American wig) "Hello, I am Hung Like Snake..."
Ryan: (wearing some kind of red horsehead) "Guess what I'm hung like..."
Ryan: (balancing an actual bunch of bananas on his head) "...Peel me."
Ryan: (eating one of the bananas) "I don't have anything, I'm just really hungry..."
(game ends, Ryan takes banana back to his seat, still eating)
Drew: "I could watch you eat that banana aaaaaaaall night..."
(Ryan gets a disgusted look on his face and stops eating)
Greg: (in an alien mask that looks nothing like a Klingon) "Well, I'm a Klingon by trade..."
(mild audience response)
Greg: "...but when I'm not funny I sit here with this fucking
thing on my head!"
Ryan: (wearing a hangman's noose) "Guess who's well hung?"
Ryan: (with a hat in his lap) "It ain't gonna be a rabbit..."
Ryan: (wearing a hat looking like a turkey) "This year, I do all the stuffing!"
Ryan: (wearing gladiator armor) "Don't worry, I brought a Trojan!"
Wayne: (wearing a tam o'shanter, speaking with a Scottish accent) "Hello. I'll let ya touch Nessie!"
Wayne: (wearing a taxi driver's cap, sighing) "Ah, that'll be $10.50... (the audience groans) For the taxi ride! You guys are horrible!"
Colin: (Wearing a scuba diver's cap) "I promise not to do it too fast. You might get the bends."
Ryan: (wearing a ball and chain on his wrist) "This is just my ball, you should see my chain."
Ryan: (wearing a bird mask) "It's time for something other than an egg to get laid around here!"
Wayne: (holding a trumpet, imitating Louis Armstrong
) "All the ladies say 'Blow, Satchmo, blow!'"
Ryan (wearing a plush shark that appears to be eating his scalp): "Looks like someone likes head
Colin: (wearing a police cap and holding a construction helmet) "If you can fill this hat, we could start a band
Wayne: (wearing a beanie hat with attached domino mask and huge, white ears) "I don't have one, I just wanted to wear this."
Colin: "I am a wrestler, watch them turn me loose
Over the years, I've taken lots of abuse
I've broken both my knees, smashed my head on the turnbuckle
Because of all my injuries I've lost the ability to rhyme.
(from a cut/censored hoedown)
Ryan: "Singing a song about a vending machine
Don't you know that it's really not my scene?
Tryin' to think of something clever with a little twist
If we do another Hoedown, I'll slit my fucking wrists
All: "Slit my fucking wriiiiiiists!"
(from another cut hoedown) Let's Make A Date
Ryan: I don't file my taxes every single year
I guess it's the IRS I really really fear
I guess that's bad of me, doesn't show a lot of class
But every time I do they seem to FUCK ME UP THE ASS!
Wayne: (as bachelorette) "Bachelor no. 2... Disposition and personality are very important to me. Do you consider yourself congenial?"
Colin: (as 'a beauty queen') "NOO! THAT'S THE MARK OF DEATH!!"
(With special guest Josie Lawrence as the bachelorette)
Josie: "...and Colin is... on the casting couch...?"
Drew: "Says here Colin is 'a model on her first porno shoot'..."
Josie: "Well, that's... because normally I wouldn't put Colin and porno shoot in the same sentence..." (audience reacts) "Aw shush, he knows I love 'im..."
Drew: "...ok, Wayne... who are they?"
Wayne: "Well let's see. Bachelor no. 1 was a... jilted ex-boyfriend."
Drew: "And where do those people usually show up?"
Wayne: "Bachelor no. 1?"
Brad: (as a puritan witchhunter) "Yes, harlot?"
Irish Drinking Song
Wayne: One night I was getting freaky
Drew: With my luh...girl Elaine (botches line)
Colin: Boy, we had some fun
Ryan: And then- ALUHELAAHHH!!! (yells gibberish at Drew)
Wayne: (collapses in hysterics)
Drew: (doubled over in laughter, embarrassment)
(the game grinds to a halt as practically everyone cracks up; then they attempt a restart)
Ryan: I lost track of the story
Wayne: I don't know what has happened
Drew: She wrote me a letter
Colin: My underwear's a-snappin'!
Ryan: I think there was a girl involved
Wayne: ...That's what I'm thinkin'...
Drew: ...I don't know what to say...
(everyone cracks up again; only Colin is able to sing them home at the end)
All: Oh, i-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di!
Wayne: I took my lass on a date!
Chip: We went out for the night!
Colin: As we hit the parking lot!
Ryan: I got into a fight!
Wayne: Scuffle, he took my wallet!
Chip: And ran away so fast!
Colin: I started crying!
Ryan: (trying to think of a line)....A stone I passed!
(Due to what Ryan says, they have to chant twice as Wayne cracks up)
All: Oh, i-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di! Oh, i-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di!
Chip: I screamed just like a lassie!
Colin: I ran right after him!
Ryan: I jumped into my car!
Wayne: The mugger's name was Tim!
Chip: I put on my siren!
Colin: And it roared out loud!
Ryan: He came to a stop!
Wayne: And beat me in front of a crowd!
All: Oh, i-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di!
Colin: I decided to take action!
Ryan: I hit him with a club!
Wayne: I hit him where the sun don't shine!
Chip: He says "Hey! Watch it bub!"
Colin: And then he ran away from me!
Ryan: I followed him!
Wayne: I became a hero!
Chip: And my name is Tim!
All: Oh, i-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di!
Ryan: I still hear from him!
Wayne: From... often!
Chip: He writes a little letter!
Colin: ...It's as soft as cotton!
Ryan: And someday I'll write back!
Wayne: He's my best friend!
Chip: And now we both are penpals!
Colin: He put my stone back in my end!
(Due to that line, everyone cracks up, leaving Colin to finish the chant) Infomercial
Colin: Oh, i-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di! Oh, i-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee,
Colin, Wayne and Chip: (Wayne and Chip try to finish the chant) Di-dee, di-dee, di!
Colin: Hey do you have problems with snoring? Do airports complain when they hear you sleep?
Ryan: (points to Colin's shoes) Blue suede shoes.
) Itsy-bitsy-teeny-weeny yellow polka-dot bikini...
Wayne: (pointing back
) One-eyed, one-horned flying purple people eater.
Ryan: (looking at Wayne's genital area
Wayne: (pointing at Ryan's genital area
Drew: "Why is it so hot in here?"
Wayne: "Can't you see I'm trying to turn up the water sprinklers?"
Drew: "Have you ever been in a hotel that was this wet and hot all at the same time?"
Wayne: "Ever been to San Francisco?"
Colin: "Does it matter that I'm Canadian?"
Ryan: "You're Canadian?!"
Colin: "Can't you tell?"
Ryan: "Have you ever heard of a town called Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan?"
Colin: "Isn't that right beside... Left... Noob?" (beat) (Ryan leaves)
(Questionable Impressions from TV: Emergency Room
Brad: (as Mr. Barnsdahl
) Will you hand me a scalpel, Mrs. Carmichael?
Wayne: (as Scooby-Doo
) Ruh-oh, I have to use the bathroom. (buzzed, Wayne looks confused)
Wayne: Ruh-oh? I have to use the bathroom?
(Colin as Santa Claus announcing his retirement
Brad: What about all your animal friends?
Colin: Hey! Animal friends are there to be animal friends! If they can't handle being a carpet...
(the audience groans
Colin: I may have said too much...
(Colin as Batman announcing he's out of the closet
Ryan: How does the partner feel about this?
Colin: Well, he is a little worried since he depends on me for income... (the audience laughs
) I might want to rephrase that later...
(Brad raises his hand
Brad: You might want to rephrase that now.
(Hollywood Director; Drew starts by explaining the scene)
Colin: "CUT CUT CUT!... Do it like you're in Tarzan
. (to Ryan) You're Tarzan, (to Kathy) you're Jane, (to Wayne) you're Cheetah!"
Wayne: (quietly mouthing) "How come I gotta be the monkey?
Drew: "Let's go on to a game—I love this game, it's kinda new this year—African Chant!
(Crowd laughs as Wayne mocks getting up to leave.)
Drew: "Africa's a big country, right by India, Madagascar is right off..."
(Greg laughs hysterically)
(the others catch on to the mistake; Wayne tries to keep Greg from calling Drew out, but it's too late...)
Greg: "It's also a big continent
if you're a geographer!" (Crowd explodes with laughter)
(after 'African Chant' ends}
Wayne: "That's gonna get me in good with all the brothers and sisters in the motherland..."
Ryan: "Don't you live in Sherman Oaks?"
Drew: Hey, it's always funny when it happens to somebody else! ... Wow, man, you went all out on that one.
Ryan: There better be some extra points in this.
Ryan: Was that lit?
Drew: Ah, close enough.
(Show-Stopping Number: Accounting Firm)
Colin: "Hey, buster! Hire my friend! Or I'll shove a hook right up your end! ...gerr-wah-rurl-lurl-lurl-lurl-lurl-lurl- URABABADAZEEYABABAGAFLYAAAHH!!!
" (shouts gibberish)
Ryan: (calming him down
) Hey, hey, hey!
Ryan: What the hell happened there? Are you okay?
Colin: You know, if you talk like that, it puts them off balance...
(The Awards Show for Frat Boys
Brad: "What better way to end the show than with some moonin
(buzzer, game ends)
Drew: (to Wayne) "Are you serious...?" (to audience) "Wayne just said to Brad, 'I would have done it with you but I have a G-string
Wayne: "Yes, I d... (Beat
) Hey! It gives me support, wassup?!"
Ryan: "It's not like it's a leopard
G-string... is it...?"
Drew: "I thought you were joking around."
Brad: (Jive Turkey
on) "It's a G
Wayne: "When I'm hangin' with my homies.