There was somewhat of a Running Gag featuring Tony in the early series. During a game of Props, his partner introduced himself/herself as someone (usually That's Life! presenter Esther Rantzen or newsreader and Desert Island Discs presenter Sue Lawley), followed by Tony pretending to throw up into the prop.
One of his earlier examples of this Running Gag during Props, he shrieks and actually pretends to club himself upside the head with the prop when Josie announced she was Anne Diamond.
After Paul calls Clive a "Slaphead"
Clive: (looks at camera) I am sad to announce the untimely death of Paul Merton (laughter) at my hands. Paul: I lasted longer than your hair did, though, didn't I!
When Greg and Clive had an argument, you knew that you were very lucky and had to treasureit for the rest of your life.
Clive: You'll have to act as...hamsters. Yes, hamst- Greg: What's wrong with you?! Hamsters! Get some friends! Clive: The hamsters are my friends.
Clive: (after getting the suggestion of "perishing elastics") Elastic is a substance we have over here that stretches. It perishes and things fall down and things go wrong. Greg: When's it gonna stop, huh? The aggression? Clive: When you give us our colonies back. Greg:Your colonies. Clive's colonies.
Most of the Clive/Greg arguments involve Clive making a snide remark about America being supposedly too backward to have something:
Clive: In this scene you're a sports commentator - you have sport in America, don't you? Greg: Yes, and sometimes we beat the Germans. (audience cheers/boos) It's 'cause we never play them! Clive: Well, in the war, when you join in... (audience cheers wildly) I don't think the Germans play baseball, do they? Greg: I'd love to chat, but I'm a little busy doing an improv show. Clive: Have you worked out what the simple words mean yet? Greg: Yes I have, Mr. A. Clive: Jolly good. Greg: Maybe you're confusing this with your other show where you just talk, talk, talk and never let anyone else. (audience cheers wildly again)
Sometimes this backfires.
Clive: You are in a uh...holdup. That's the only word I know. You have those in America, don't you? Greg: Yeah. We invented it!
Perhaps the best Clive/Greg exchange:
Clive: What superhero should Greg be? (audience member shouts "Useless Man") "Useless Man"? (another audience member shouts "Caterpillar Man") "Caterpillar Man", that kind of, gives him more to play with. Useless is... kind of what he is. I didn't mean that. Caterpillar Man is very good. What is the problem? (audience member shouts "Pants are too small!") Pants are too small? We've done that haven't we? Greg: If we did, I'm sure it was fraught with hilarity! Clive: Well, with that challenge, let's go ahead... pants are too small... You're Captain Caterpillar. Greg: Captain Caterpillar? Clive: You can bring elements of Useless Man, if you want. Greg: I'll be Captain Caterpillar, and you just sit there and be Useless Man like usual. Clive: Oh, you're winning tonight, as I can see. So, you might metamorphosise into something- Greg: Is it about time to make some kind of inappropriate American reference here? Clive: Not yet, you do the show. Yank. Greg: I can take a hit, if you- Clive: GET ON WITH IT, GREG!!!
Clive inverts this gag for the American audience for the last British series, which was filmed in Hollywood.
Clive: I just have to explain to the British audience what "ATMs" are. We call them 'hole-in-the-wall machines' in England. (Truth in Television)
Mike kissing Tony in a blooper from Season 3, rendering him completely speechless.
Also the time Clive needs suggestions from the audience for a global disaster; among other things, the microphones pick up "an asteroid's about to crash into the earth" and "Richard Nixon comes back from the dead." The decision is obvious:
Clive: There's a jam shortage! Okay, so— Greg: WHO ARE YOU LISTENING TO?! Mike: Where are you receiving your suggestions from, British Telecom?! Greg: There's GOLD coming from over here!
Steve Steen (as Andrew Morton): I tell you, I was so depressed I threw myself and tried to impale myself on Barbara Cartland's eyelashes... (buzz) Paul Merton (Hello! magazine): Barbara Cartland, can there be a more respected woman in Great Britain? (buzz) Tony (clearly thinking hard): Barbara Cartland, witch and hag, too much makeup, fascist bag.
The best is the blank look on his face while he's saying it, followed by the grin as soon as the buzzer goes.
Ryan, Greg and guest Rory Bremner all have to pretend to be dead actors, with Colin as the only remaining living one battling on by moving them around and dubbing their voices. Ryan and Rory are cowboys, Greg's an Indian princess. Towards the end Colin has Rory say "Look, I think we all ought to have one big kiss" and there's a great moment where dead Rory 'wakes up' and has a "what the hell is going on" look in his eyes.
A duet between Mike McShane and Josie Lawrence that veered onto the subject of puking in swimming pools and ended like this:
Josie: Don't worry, honey, relaxo. We won't really be sick, we'll use Paxo. Mike:[gamely singing his heart out] That's a good idea, what the hell is Paxo?
Mike and Josie really had excellent chemistry, not to mention one of the best pair of singing voices, as demonstrated in a love song about a cat litter tray. Yes. Absolutely genius lyrics here, "Whoever thought that feline defecation/Could be such a swell and singular sensation" One of the best Song Styles ever.
Whenever Paul and Tony are together in Film and Theatre Styles, you know you're going to experience a trainwreck of insanity. For example:
First time together, in Greek tragedy style:
Tony: The problem is that the builder has been murdered, Off-stage! (laughter) Paul: Not Stavrost, surely! Tony: No, Escalus, with a knife, dripping in the Mediterranean sun, he plastered his bricks and died. Paul: That's rather unlucky in Peckham isn't it?
From Season 4:
Tony: (mimes pouring a pint from a tap as a bartender): Oh, I'll just put the cat down. (puts the "cat" down, while Paul just stares at him) What shall-? Paul (to Jim and Steve): I can't work with this! Tony: What can I do you for? Ice in a slicer? Paul: Hang on, I'll just put down this cactus. (does so) Oh look, I better take this bazooka out of me pocket, (does so) and I'll get out of the helicopter. (does so)
In Shakespeare style:
Paul (speaking in a weird accent): I would like to acquire some of this ale that I see displayed before me in various bottles of various hues. Tony (incredulously): That's Bela Lugosi! (laughter) So, have you- Paul: I not know of this Hammy-era Horror actor of which you speak! Tony: My liege, you're fucked!
Season 5 (final episode Paul was in):
Clive (buzzes): Horror. Tony: What a horrible suit! (laughter and applause, Paul looks annoyed) Paul: That's-that's good coming from somebody who's dressed up as Doc Holliday!
Followed by Clive interrupting because "this is just lapsing into personal abuse," to which Paul replies, "You shut your face!" Also, right at the beginning of that one, Tony does an over-the-top pleading not to be locked up because he's innocent, prompting Paul to say, "I think you're as guilty as hell!"
In Film Noir style:
Tony: (mimes smoking) Yes, it's interesting the way the- Paul: Hang on, where'd the cigarette come from?! (Tony laughs) What's all this?! (Mimes Tony's "smoking" gestures) Excuse me while I just get on me moped! (Pretends to ride one, causing Tony to crack up. Does the smoking gesture again. Turns to Jim and Steve) You see that, what's all that?
The early seasons had a lot of in-between banter compared to the usual, but this interruption of a Film TV Theater Styles stood out.
From the British version there's one "Film and Theater styles" with Ryan and Colin in which they have to do the scene in the Shakespearean style. The look on the faces of Tony and Steve in the background while Ryan says his line is also hilarious.
Clive: Shakespeare. (Beat) Ryan: The sky. The sky behind the door is blooooo. Colin: Aye, it 'tis blue! [silence] (Buzz) Clive: That's the worst Shakespeare I've ever heard! (cracks up) Here, I'll give you something a little easier for you—Japanese Noh Theater. Ryan: (groans under his breath)
Caroline Quentin: one that isn't quite so overshadowed from the shock value, where she and Josie are portraying female Arctic explorers... the first thing they do is complain about the weather and how it's drying their hair and everything.
Paul trying to snort baby powder during Helping Hands with Ryan (and Greg as the hands) scolding him, then smacking him with the baby powder.
One playing of "Helping Hands" featured Tony Slattery providing the hands for Josie Lawrence as she plays an air hostess. However, he seems to having a little too much fun with his hands (Grabbing Josie's breasts, sticking his fingers in her mouth, making sexual gestures, opening a tupperware box of salad all over the desk) and poor Josie just cracks up while trying and failing to maintain her composure. At one point he picks up a baby doll and smudges its face with a small cake prompting Josie to say:
Josie: Oh, and if you've got a baby on the plane, we always like to put... a cake on its head.
In a game of Hats with a world's worst dating agency videos theme, Ryan repeatedly wears the same one, a jockey's cap where he gives a Murray Walker-style commentary ("It's Breast ahead of Penis, Penis coming up there quickly on the inside!"). That's not the CMOF; the CMOF is when he interrupts this by sitting down with a giant unsteady hat piled with plastic fruit:
Ryan: (After a long pause) ...I really have nothing to say...I just like wearing this.
Tony's "Hoedown" about excessive drinking, which consisted of just pulling a handkerchief out of his mouth. The only lines he actually sings are "and then I cut it off!" at the very end.
During the "Sex" Hoedown, Greg opened up with this (with Tony on the end):
Greg: Oh, I'm a randy bugger, I really get around!/I like to have a shag with everyone in town./I have lots of fun, I'm as happy as can be!/ and that's 'cos my name is Tony Slattery!
Colin: Everyone drinks tea in [Jane Austen detective novels]! What is it with tea? What is it with tea?! I've passed stronger urine samples than that! Now coffee—now THERE's a drink! Coffee! I need one right now!
In one playing, Colin hated everything English. It's hilarious.
In one playing, Colin's quirk is that he fancies the other two contestants, which he further interprets as completely ignoring Josie while he stares laviciously at them (and even absent-mindedly threatening to push her out of a window). When it comes time to guess:
Josie: Colin...Colin reminds me of a bloke I used to go out with, actually!
Non singing example, during a game of News Report (the precursor to Weird Newscasters and Newsflash, Mike plays the roll of Little Bo Peep (in his normal voice), then as Mary Mary, Quite Contrary (with a more feminine voice). As Little Bo, he makes this comment when Josie, as the reporter on the scene, asks what happened with her sheep going missing:
Mike: It didnít happen at all! I went out in the back to take a piss, I came back out- (realizes what he just said, cracks up) I donít believe I just said that! I was out drinking with the sheep.
This early Newsflash game should put an end to the 'stuffy British humor' arguments...
Not to mention, the Newsflash from the first episode of season 9 - featuring fully nude women. Lots of them. Running and bouncing. (Poor Greg seems to have a bit of a problem in his pants during this game!)
Number of Words
In a playing of Number of Words, Colin has to say five words each time and Ryan can only say one. They play off each other brilliantly to get around this problem.
The British version has some really great ones, including some classic Party Quirks. One being where Tony Slattery was unable to guess two of the quirks and, after Clive Anderson noted that this was his worst playing of the game, Tony responded by screaming "Oh, well, F**K OFF!", causing Clive to take away all the points Tony had ever got since then. The other being the Party Quirk where Ryan was a toddler learning to walk and Josie Lawrence was a penis, the actions the two did caused Tony to crack up hysterically.
Tony realizing that Ryan's Party Quirk was being a sperm cell. "OH MY GOD NOOOO!"
The Party Quirks game when Clive accidentally hit the buzzer instead of the doorbell.
Paul: Excuse me, there's somebody at the microwave.
One of the Hollywood episodes features a game of Press Conference in which Colin...wait for it...has given birth to Clive's lovechild. It's just as hilarious as it sounds, all the way from Greg laughing at the card before anyone else knows what it is, to Colin finally figuring it out...
Greg: Was it a natural childbirth, or was it in a manner of his own choosing? Colin: It was very painful...and it was in the style of a hoedown.
An even funnier bit (only the second question):
Ryan:Why? Colin(slaps the podium): This was something I felt that would benefit generations that came after me! (Clive nods in agreement) And that is why as it was happening, I documented it on film, and it now will be shown in many schools!
Josie: "Are you going to the Parthenon tonight?" Stephen (after floundering and being buzzed out): "Could you tell her the Parthenon's in Athens?" Josie (to Ryan, replacing Stephen): "Is the Parthenon in Athens?" Ryan: "Would you like to buy a map?"
Mike also kissed Brad Sherwood in a game of "Questions Only" that he essentially ran the table (Colin, on the same side of the stage as him, didn't get one line).
Brad: Are you going to kiss me? Mike: Am I going to give you a tongue lashing? Oh, yes! YES! (plants a huge kiss on Brad as the Studio Audience erupts in riotous cheering) Brad: O_O (buzz) Clive: I'm buzzing you out Brad, to spare you any further embarrassment. [Exit Brad] (Ryan Stiles come in, but only takes one step onto the stage.) Mike: (grinning) Are you next? Ryan: ... (Beat) [Exit Ryan]
Reading the credits
The shortest Credit Reading winner: Tony Slattery as a drunk Australian Soap Opera Actor. How was it the shortest? He walked up to read the credits, raised his hand to speak...and fell backwards onto the floor where he stayed for the rest of the credits.
One "Scene to Rap" set at a zoo featured Ryan as a nudist.
Ryan: (rapping) Well, I'm a nudist, I walk around the zoo, I find that's what the other animals want me to do! Walkin' round like this, it takes some guts, I'm going to go to the monkeys and give 'em some nuts.
Then moments later...
Colin: (rapping) I'm the security guard right here, What's this guy, is he... weird? Standing there, showing all his parts, 'cmon there, buddy, whoo, what a fart. I tell you this is really bad, the state of the zoo is really sad, we can't have naked people running 'round like this, 'scuse me, please, I gotta take a piss.
In one "Song Styles", Mike is given the the style of ragtime, and the subject is a syringe. This is amusing in itself (Mc Shaneimmediatelyturns it into a ditty about heroin usage), but he actually manages to mislead Richard Vranch, who stops playing after the fourth measure like he's used to doing. Mike turns and looks at him, while still singing on-beat, and the music starts back up and they finish together as normal. Clip here.
The premiere's "Sound Effects" would provide a taste of things to come as Paul decided to mess around with Archie Hahn on the mike - the scene was just "getting dressed" but Paul went on to play with the mirror cabinet, turning on the hot and cold water, flushing the toilet, and even turning on the radio...
Brad: You know, the last time I saw a guy like you, he tried to get out of it (a ticket) by saying, [reads his line] "Grab me, [stifles] big boy, and kiss me like there's no tomorrow!" Clive: (after the sketch ends) Those lines fit in almost too well.
Colin makes an awesome crack at Clive in World's Worst.
"I'm Clive Anderson and I used to have no neck. But with new Neck Insert...Look!"
First US version, hosted by Drew Carey:
Chip's spot-on impression of Snagglepuss is amazing. Colin's ATTEMPTED impression of Snagglepuss? HILARIOUS.
Something of a Crowning Moment Of Awesome in there - when Chip goes "exit stage right" and breaks into a dash, his stool is left bucking back and forth in his wake. A stock Looney Tunes effect done for real, and likely unintentional.
Chip's Snagglepuss is great and all, but Colin had the best joke when it came to this impression (if cartoon characters were in famous films): "Rosebud, even!"
The best comedy moment, in my opinion, was a particular combination of "Party Quirks" and "Hoedown," summed up by Ryan's final verse:
"Oh boy those cop shows, they give me such a fright/And it seems like they are on every single night/Sure you can watch 'em if you really want a scare/Thursdays at eight you can see Melissa's underwear!
Especially throughout the whole episode how the guys weren't allowed to do anything on Hitler (for some unfathomable reason), so they took stabs at the topic occasionally, culminating in this bit from Hoedown:
Ryan: Our director, he really is the boss, At yelling and screaming, he's never at a loss, He's the meanest guy that you will ever see, He should sprout a mustache and move to Germany!
He got a standing ovation for his Take That at the director.
Fun Fact: This was also the 100th Hoedown aired (adding the UK and US airings).
Anytime Wayne speaks in superfast or superslow tempo. It should be in Crowning Moment Of Awesome too, but still. How does he do it?
In one episode, Drew brought a tape recorder in which he previously recorded "1,000 points" into it. Later on, Wayne steals the recorder, records his own message into it, and Hilarity Ensues.
"My ass. My ass. My ass. My ass...."
Drew's reaction to Wayne's recording is just hilarious.
Perhaps Drew's most infamous screw-up is when he apparently forgets what he learned in geography, and accidentally calls Africa a country. Naturally, the others make him pay dearly. Plus a Crowning Moment Of Awesome to a contestant that got picked during Drew's The Price Is Right run with a custom T-shirt referencing the blooper and for Drew to make light of the incident.
Drew brings up the zippers on Wayne's pants after a Superheroes game, and Wayne responds "It's my tribute to Michael" and breaks into his trademark Michael impression. Greg, not to be outdone.....
In one episode, after coming back from a commercial break, Drew waved his hand in front of his face for some reason and said "Pew, welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway, the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter..." Ryan interrupted by saying, "You know how that's gonna look when you come back from commercial and you go, "Whoo!" (indicating that Drew just farted, of course)
Ryan: Damn rolling black-outs! (Wayne starts rolling across the floor) Ryan: No, not that kind!
One game had the performers doing a Broadway musical, and must burst into song and make a number about whatever they just said whenever Drew hits the buzzer. Just about every time Drew hits the button, you can see some really funny gems like when they Face Palm or Wayne looks at the camera with a "I'm going to kill that host" look on his face.
Anytime Greg laughs, it's pure joy. Notable instances: Laughing at Drew accidentally calling Africa a country, laughing at Colin's LMAD quirk of "his anger management thong tightens when he gets upset", his brief but loud "HA HA!" when Drew read the "Hollywood Director" scene that he was playing Van Helsing, kicking down the door to confront Dracula, the "Party Quirks" when Drew said that Wayne was a "chicken with an attitude" (Greg briefly doubled over with laughter), and his laugh in "Let's Make a Date" when Drew read that Ryan was Colin's highly competitive uglier brother (this one made Greg laugh so hard he fell out of his chair!).
Drew, after a commercial break: "And by the way, if you're watching the show in Beirut, for God's sakes, turn off your TV and move. I mean God, what do we have to tell you??"
After a "Weird Newscasters" where Wayne played a girl scout possessed by the devil:
Drew: (to Wayne) This is gonna sound funny, but you're not the first girl scout I've seen possessed by the devil. Ryan: Those weren't real girl scouts; those were girls you paid to pretend they were girl scouts! Drew: ...Tell your wife I said "hello". (audience laughs) Let's just stop this; I love you, man. Colin: Hey, come on, make fun of the bald guy! I'll be your lightning rod of hate! (audience laughs) Ryan: (laughing) Lightning rod... Drew: You asked for it; this next game is for Ryan and Baldy!
All of Drew's various "That's ME!" remarks, said after he described a sordid individual:
Drew: Hey, you know that disheveled-looking transvestite you always see leaning on a lamppost when you're driving home late at night? That's ME! :)
Another hilarious example:
Drew: Hey, you know when you get on the internet and you get an instant message that's really disgusting and filthy, but it almost turns you on? That's ME! :)
Whenever Drew tells the audience to shut up. One example:
Drew: The points are just like Father's Day at Madonna's house. (audience says "Ooooohhh") What, is she here? Shut up.
After a game, Drew awarded points and Ryan whistled.
Drew: Hey. 1,000 'cause you whistled.
Drew: 1,000 points- (Ryan's holding up two fingers) What? Okay, 2,000 points. (Ryan looks pleased; Drew mouths, "I love you.")
One of the "winner gets to do a little something special with me" jokes:
Drew: ...And the loser has to go back to CANADA where he belongs! (a stressed Colin rubs his eyes)
In one episode (from the same taping as the "Africa's a country" mistake), Drew initially said the next game was "Let's Make A Date" (which the performers just got done with), prompting Greg to call Drew "Captain Alzheimer". Later in the same episode, this issue of saying the wrong game came up again:
Drew: Let's go onto... Song Styles! Greatest Hits! (audience laughs; Ryan shakes his head in disbelief) Greg: This is for all four contestants; Wayne is gonna be choosing a date, but they're not exactly what you'd think! Drew: (Beat) ....Well let's go onto a game called Greatest Hits!
The batch of episodes where Drew gave Halloween candy to the winners. In one of the episodes, he only had jellybeans to throw and, after a game, sloppily threw the jellybeans in their general direction.
Greg: Jellybeans on the floor? This is the best Halloween ever, Drew!
This "back from commercial" bit in-between games:
Drew: Hey, I want to send a special thank you to everybody who sends in audition tapes. Tonight's winner is Riley Breen from Sandusky, Ohio, so congratulations, Riley. We're going to be taping the show tonight over your audition tape.
After a "Hollywood Director":
Drew: Thousand points to everybody, especially to you, Colin. Colin: Why, thank you, Drew! Drew: (laying it on thick) 'Cause, you know, you're the best director ever. Colin: (feigned modesty) Gosh. Drew: (to camera) I gotta humor him 'cause he's bald. Ryan: Jeez Louise. (audience awwwws) Drew: Oh man, never make fun of the popular funny guy, that's the thing you shouldn't do. Sorry, Colin. Colin: That's all right. Drew: Now, let's go on to a game called... (bleep bleep) Colin. Let's go on to a game called- Ryan: I don't wanna play that. Drew: I do!
The whole episode with Robin Williams as the guest fourth player could count, especially that episode's Scenes From A Hat. Like the Richard Simmons one, it's also commonly cited as perhaps the show's greatest episode.
Hollywood Director. The second style? Riverdance. It ends with Robin, Wayne Brady and Ryan Stiles striking dramatic poses.
Colin: [Enter] CUT! Ryan: At the end, that seemed a little too Charlie's Angels. (Audience laughs) Colin: I WISH! Now what we need to— Robin: Can I take a moment? (Beat) Colin: (To Robin) Take it. Robin: Done! Colin: Alright! That's why I love working with you! Wayne: What about me? Colin: SHUT UP! Wayne: :(
"And I'm Spartacus!"
In addition to that, Ryan doing Dirty Harry's famous speech in the style of Carol Channing.
"I have a career, what the hell am I doing here?"
Two other great Robin moments: At the very start of the show, Drew said the points don't matter, "just like Blair Witch 2." Instantly, Robin ran up to a camera and said, "Get out get out!" Later, after the first commercial break, Robin was hiding under Drew's desk and "scared" him by popping out.
Made all the funnier by Florence Henderson deliberately subverting her image as the perfect TV mom, calling Ryan-as-Jan a twit and "not very pretty" and slapping "her".
And of course there's Florence's introduction in "Song Styles", where Wayne calls her "Mom" and she declares he's the lost Brady kid ("the cute one"), with Wayne adding in the song that he's the one they didn't like to talk about.
Colin: Oh it's so nice to have a woman on the show!
Especially good is Colin holding one finger, high in the air as if to say to his wife "It was worth it!"
The episode with the twin belly dancers. Not only does a snake go for Wayne's crotch, but Ryan & Colin have more fun playing Living Scenery than they ever have before.
This blooper reel contains many funny mess ups, starting with a botched game of Hoedown:
Brad: I was feeling frisky, I went for a drive/ I took all my handguns and shot myself alive, I... [Brad realizes his mistake, grins, then collapses on the floor.] Wayne: [once the Hoedown resumes] I consider myself quite a fugal frella/ But sometime- [Brad cracks up.] Wayne:Shut up!
Then, after the Hoedown:
Ryan: Tarzan think you no love him anymore. Must get back to roots. Colin: What do you mean? Ryan: Before you come, Tarzan only have animals. Animals think Tarzan forget about him now. [The audience gives a disgusted reaction, Brad cracks up.] Ryan:I mean as friends!
Also, during an attempt at 90-Second Alphabet:
Drew: Bozo the Clown said they had the best desserts here. Ryan: Clowns!? We never serve clowns! Drew: Don't you deny it! Ryan:Good gracious, sir, I've tried to make your meal... [Audience laughs, Brad hits the buzzer.] Ryan: Oh, shit! [collapses on the floor]
This reel contains a great verse from Greg about puberty, as well as Ryan accidentally spilling water on his shirt and trying to cover it up.
The Ian Gomez taping bloopers feature two hoedown verses from Brad (and some suggestions from Drew) that would never make it to air:
Drew: I think the censor just exploded up in the booth.
"Whatever it is, it's got six dicks."
Brad and Wayne serenading an audience member in the style of a 50's crooner ballad. As Wayne pretends to pull a comb through his "hair" (with a mock gssssssh sound to imitate the gratuitous amount of hair product):
Brad: BLIPBLIPBLIPBLIPBLIPBLIIIIDIP blipblip...we're really doing this?? Wayne: (realizes Brad's crack and dies laughing)
Drew: This is how the show works: I kill myself, and you get to cheer me on as I lop off different parts of my body, turning into a fat vest. And when I'm down to my penis - because my penis is hopping around - the game ends, the penis awards the points, and then you carry off the bloody penis on a stick while marching round the town square...
Brad's first line during a "Song Styles" to a younger woman was: "Well I can't stop staring at your breasts!" Take two, Brad is now singing to a much older woman. His first line? "Well I can't stop staring at your breasts!"
The whole point of this game seems to be Wayne performing hard-to-do physical moves that Ryan and Colin will have to suffer through. So imagine Wayne's surprise when Colin successfully imitates his "stop drop and roll" maneuver (which involves kicking your legs up in the air while doing a belly flop onto the ground).
The award show for hillbillies. Specifically these moments:
Wayne says the award is for the best in "hillbillery".
Some of the locations that the nominees are from, such as "Alama-hachee-hoochee, Tennessee" and "Chattahoochie Skunk Lick Falls".
Ryan, during his acceptance speech:
Ryan: I'd like to thank my acting coach, Ned Beatty, for all the work.... and, I'd like to thank the mother of my baby, my mother.
They also thank the Lord:
Ryan: ...For making us, and... others like us... Colin: And puttin' us all in the same vicinity.
In one session, Colin had the female audience participant seduce Ryan. He accidentally got her hand too close to Ryan's crotch. Colin caught himself just in time, pulled her hand away as quick as he could, and made the funniest guilty face of the century (2'20"). And just for fun, he does it again at 3:50.
"I'll fight you, using the martial arts I know." "Oh, hot."
Then there's this playing where Colin spends the first half screwing with Drew. Just when you think it's over... WAW-BUP! WAW-BUP! What we don't see is the part where Colin abruptly and randomly decides to make them speak turkey noises.
Incidentally, the funniest bit takes place even before the scene technically begins: After Drew announces the character Ryan's playing, an expressionless Ryan walks off-camera in a stilted fashion. It was enough to get Drew laughing.
Film, TV & Theater Styles
In one playing, Drew got suggestions from the audience, and one of them was Australian soap opera. Another suggestion was shouted: "Disaster!" Ryan remarked, "Oh, it'll be a disaster." When the Australian soap opera style was used in the game, Colin's attempt at the accent was priceless; he sounded more like an Irishman than an Australian. Perhaps realizing this, Colin quickly abandoned his accent after only a couple lines and lampshaded this by saying his accent was gone and he's trying to find it.
An example of So Bad, It's Good: In another playing, the style switched to "cartoon", and Ryan just kind of went in a circle and flopped his hands up and down, not really doing anything indicative of what comes to mind when you think of "cartoon". Link.
Greg: I've got an interesting specimen here, I want you to take a look at it, but me first. (view inside microscope; microbes are seen) Oh look! It's the traffic outside of Los Angeles! Ryan: (playing a physicist) I wouldn't worry about them, they seem to be moving rather slowly. Greg: Mmmmmmm. (Beat) Ryan: You know, many years ago, when I worked in this lab- (sees assistant coming) Well, more on that later. (grabs beakers) Look, I want you to take this sample down to the lab. (indicates second beaker) Don't get it confused with this sample. (indicates third beaker) This one's very dangerous, (indicates fourth beaker) and this should not be mixed with the others. Now run! Colin: (as his character leaves) There's no good parts for Latinos! Greg: (to Ryan) All of those tubes were empty. Colin: (as another character) Me-OW. Ryan: Now, this is my work of art. (everyone walks over to a big rock) This is a stone I passed, last week. Very difficult indeed. Greg: You mean to say you cast- Ryan: It was this big when it first came out, and I clenched myself, like this, and it came out! (everyone laughs)
Of course, one of the most treasured moments in film history was the French (which, for no reason at all, turns German, Japanese, and Russian) spy film "Escargot" starring Sid Caesar. It was a SURPRISE hit.
Another Ryan breakdown when Colin again said something completely random and completely funny. See it here.
The 'We're watching animal porn!' scene.
Colin's I-just-said-something-stupid face just made it twice as funny!
Just to add to that: for non-viewers, Greatest Hits involves Colin and Ryan introducing songs for the others to sing, but a tradition is that they say the name of the programme they're "interrupting", normally a ridiculous pun. In this case, however, Colin couldn't think of a pun, and just said the first thing on his mind, which he immediately makes even more offensive...
The second song as well. A CD which only had The "Harley of Seville" and "Alabama Motorcycle Mama With A Llama" on it would likely be a big seller among series fans. Those two songs were among the best they ever did.
Colin: Anyway, they [Red Hot Chili Peppers] did a song, and it has to do with hurrur. (coughs) Ryan: (enunciating) "Hor-ror". (chuckles) Are you all right? Colin: I'm fine. I just swallowed my "horror". Ryan: That's gonna cost ya. Colin: Yeah. Anyway, they did a song, and it went like this: "Oooh-" no, here's the title. (Ryan cracks up)
Made even better by the fact that even though he's The Unintelligible, he still has a Scottish accent.
Wayne dragging out the end of a song by tweaking the guitar string till it's juuuuuust right.
Not to mention this bit, when Ryan describes his days in the '60s:
Ryan: Check out this tattoo! Colin: Wow, it's not often you see the entire King family! Ryan: (chuckles) No!
Ryan has an amusing bit when he announces the next song, which was in the style of a protest song: "I'm Movin' to Florida".
Ryan: ...I'm not sure why that's a protest [song].
"Songs of the Bus Driver". Ryan announces the next song is a bluegrass number called "Pffffffft", then grins evilly at Wayne. And then Wayne proceeds to sing an entire jug band song about bus drivers ENTIRELY IN ONOMATOPOEIA.
The players' ribbing at Drew reading out the wrong card (usually for the game they'd just finished) finally reaches a peak when Drew crumples and throws a card at Ryan's face during Greatest Hits. What does Ryan do?
Colin:(game show host voice) You know, if you order now we'll send you —free— a box of fresh AIR!! That's right!! Air! Ryan: Oh we just can't give away fresh air! Colin: Yes we can! From the makers of Breath Free, makers of air for Eternityyyy! (starts to laugh at what the hell he just said)
What's even funnier is the fact that he tries to hide it!
Another instance of Colin laughing in Songs of the Lunch Lady after he turns an accidental choke into a tale about how he used to be in a punk band. The whole banter between him and Ryan descends into madness and for bonus points, Chip works that "punk think" into the resulting song.
In the same game:
Ryan: Y'know, there's so many hits on this CD set, and sometimes it goes by areas. Uh, been down south lately? Colin: No, have you? (Ryan looks thrown for a loop) Oh I'm sorry, was I not supposed to engage you in conversation? Yes, I have been down south! Ryan: No need to get testy with me, we won't sell this anymore. Colin: We'll talk about this back home!
In "Songs of Marriage", Colin suggests a song by The Beach Boys called "I'm the Groom". Wayne messes up a line and loses it. Here is the bit.
From the same playing, the first song was in the style of honky-tonk. At one point during the song, Wayne sung, "Oh, my bride, she's not too happy, not in the least, because of Jack Daniels I couldn't unleash the beast!" After the song concluded:
Ryan: And by the way, there is a parental advisory on this CD set. Colin: That was actually the first time that the popular honky-tonk phrase "unleash the beast" was ever used. Ryan: Yes, but not the last!
In "Songs of the Circus":
Ryan: Y'know, Colin, this is my last infomercial with you. I'm running away, to join the circus! Colin: Oh, I noticed the clown shoes!
Also, after the first song:
Ryan: Funny story: Last time I was in Hawaii, I took the kids to a luau, they had the pig under the ground, roasted it for dinner... I took one of the kids and went, "Look, it's Babe!" (laughs) She loved that. Colin: How's the therapy going? Ryan: Good.
Ryan's running gag on "X Songs on Y CDs". Like "Las Vegas": 777 songs (three 7s, jackpot) on 4 CDs. Or "The Safari": 6 songs on 8 CDs (each is less than 15 seconds long). Or "Retirement": 43 songs on one big CD made out of chocolate. You get the idea.
In "Songs of the Traveling Salesman", Ryan keeps using music styles with "blue" in the genre description (blues, bluegrass), prompting a derisive comment from Colin ("What is it with you and the color blue??"). Finally they come to the last style, soul:
Ryan: Wait a minute: Soul is also a musical style- Colin: (sarcastically) Yes, sometimes blue. (Ryan does a long pause as he holds an irritated look on his face) Ryan: (threatening) I'll see you when we get back to the house, I'll talk to you about it- Colin: Oh, you'll talk to me? I'll talk to you!
"Songs of the Doctor" had this gem, after the first song concluded:
Ryan: It doesn't hurt as much until you get that bill! (Colin barely laughs; Ryan proceeds to do four forced, loud laughs in response to Colin's weak support) Colin: (Beat) ...Y'know, mambo music is great, isn't it- Ryan: (bitter) Don't laugh, 'cause I'm not laughing with you. Colin: (annoyed) Oh ALL RIGHT. I'm sorry, ha ha ha ha ha.
In another one, Ryan said the word "polka", putting a lot of emphasis on the "P". He remarked: "Oh, I guess Destiny's Child doesn't make you spit; polka does!" Later, after the polka-themed song, Colin got back at Ryan: "I also like Peter, Paul, and Mary! But that's just me." Ryan mimes being hit in the face by Colin's spit, and then squeezes his tie dry.
"Songs of Pregnancy":
Ryan: Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go. Colin: Hey Ryan, whatcha doing? Ryan: Well my wife's delivering tonight; we gotta get this commercial done. Colin: Oh well, isn't that a coincidence! Because what we're selling here is songs of pregnancy! Ryan: (fake laugh) I was just kidding about my wife. Colin: I know. Ryan: (ashamed) She won't come near me. Colin: I know.
Later in the scene:
Colin: ...This KISS pregnancy song- (both are amused) They're kinda linked in a way, aren't they? Ryan: It sure does! One leads to the other! Colin: Yeah, I guess it does! You'll find out. (Ryan looks ashamed again)
In another "Greatest Hits" about motorcycles (from the same taping as Colin's "Animal porn!" outburst):
Ryan: Y'know, Colin, there isn't a lot to protest nowadays, is there? Colin: (has a look of disbelief) No, nothing. Ryan: Well sure, I guess if you really want to look for something, the first five questions of Millionaire are way too easy. But it's not like in the '60s, when protest songs were sang from here... (points) well, to over there.
"And you can vote for your favorite of those three endings."
One "Greatest Hits" offered this odd segue into the musical style of Motown:
Colin: I'm from Canada. Ryan: I know that! Colin: Which is right across from Detroit.
"Songs of the Teacher", particularly Colin's "Teachers are the most misunderstood of all mammals", Wayne's aside during "Scaring the Substitute" ("My real name is Gordon, I actually was a teacher before I joined The Police, that's a little bit of general knowledge."), and Ryan asking, "Is that a tear?" and gently touching Colin's face, to which Colin replied, "It is now", closing his right eye in mock pain. It was made even funnier that Colin kept talking normally with his right eye shut.
In the "Greatest Hits" about Vegas, the whole song "I Dropped My Chips in Your Nuts". Brad sung it in Brian Johnson (of AC/DC) style, which of course is tough on the vocal chords. Oddly, Wayne never helped him out, merely playing air guitar. After many verses, Brad sang, "And I'm losin' my voice, right on stage!" At the end of the game, he briefly bent over, presumably exhausted from the incredible strain of imitating Johnson.
"Songs of Rome":
Ryan: How many music styles can you name that are also food? Colin: Oh!.... Squash is the only thing that comes to mind.
In Songs of the Psychiatrist", Ryan took advantage of Colin's stuttering:
Colin: You know, there are more songs on this C... D compilation than... Ryan: It's a hard word. It's not even a word, really, it's just two letters. Colin: Perhaps I should get some help! (both laugh)
The playing where Greg Proops put on a big fish mask. For a few moments it's very quiet, then you can hear Greg laughing to himself. Finally he takes the mask off and says:
Ryan getting a pie in the face from Drew in an early playing where Ryan played a birthday clown. The timing of it was just perfect, as Ryan was counting to three and Drew caught him by surprise by hitting him on "two".
In one playing, Ryan was a bad-tempered owner of an ice cream shop. At one point:
Ryan: You can talk to me, just don't talk at me. You understand the difference? Drew: No. Ryan: ...You and your network...
The whole "Ryan is a cold-blooded pirate captain who's teaching new recruit Whoopi how to be a pirate" scene, especially:
The Running Gag of Ryan drinking (real!) booze. The topper is when, after one swig, he sighs contently/drunkenly for a moment.
Ryan's sudden crying when his parrot is knocked off the table.
Ryan: Argh, no, you killed her! (bawling) WHY, WHY, WHY?!
Ryan's song to Whoopi about what being a pirate's like. What's funny is not so much the song, but how Ryan plays the mini-accordion: He just smashes it together, producing no melody, just the same two notes over and over.
Ryan insults Drew. No surprise there, unless Drew refuses to repeat the punchline and is barely willing to announce a commercial break (something he usually does with enthusiasm) while he tries to hide from the camera.
Colin: Choo know, when I firs com to this contry with nothing but a hammer and a powerful laxative... I tot to myself, I wouldn't have to deal with this CROP! Ryan: Sorry, it's a Spanish piece, we thought- Colin: "Sponnish"? Is that what you are, Sponnish? Pleh on you.
There's something of a Mythology Gag here, as this one and the 'Dracula' one above both add some vision-impairment into the scene ('incredibly nearsighted' Greg shouting his lines at Drew, and Wayne 'in perfect dark' doing his bit in the wrong part of the stage).
At the end of the playing with Ryan as a bank robber, the final style is strippers, and Colin tells Wayne to strip as Goofy. That is worth the price of admission alone.
If You Know What I Mean
The one taking place at the track meet. Notable bits:
Colin's "Hey...", followed by "I know what you mean!" "You know what I mean? I didn't want to say it."
What ends the game:
Colin: I've been having trouble... I been... (Brad smiles as he waits for Colin to come up with something) Colin: ...disqualified for an early start, if you know what I mean. Ryan: Maybe you should just clean and jerk, if you know what I mean. Brad: Nothing better than a 200 pound [snatch], if you know what I mean. (Brad fails to keep composure as the audience erupts) Ryan: That's, uh, that's never gonna make it to air, if you know what I mean.
Then there was the "impossible mission" game where Colin and Ryan had to clean a new Burnoose for the Emir of Groovefunkistan. Every single member of the cast broke down in laughter at some point. At least one Whose Line forum has adopted "The Cat!" and "The cat is wet now!" as catchphrases, and sell them on T-shirts. See for yourself.
Colin: "The faucet's rigged!" Ryan: "What?" Colin: "The faucet's rigged!" Ryan: "In what way?!" Colin: "With an explosive!! How long have you been a spy?!" Ryan:[trying not to laugh] I guess they really don't want people taking baths in this room!
Just about everyone starts cracking up in this scene. Even Colin kind of bites his lip when he mis-remembers the VIP as being "the Sneckafark of Emar" mid-way through.
In this skit, the mission is to go to the supermarket to make breakfast for the President of Eat-All-You-Can. Ryan pointed at Drew while saying he has a picture of the President Eat-All-You-Can on the wall. Drew then retaliates by throwing an altoid mint at them.
The playing where Ryan kept mixing up "cellulite" with "celluloid". Another great moment in that one:
Ryan: You know, we have so many products; well, let's take a look at one of them right now, Col. A simple bag of green peas. Colin: Why, Ryan, how could that possibly fight the war against cellulite? Ryan: (clearly unprepared) Well, let me tell you....... You know, celluloid is caused... cellulite. Colin: Cellulite is caused by eating too much, of course. Ryan: Of course. Colin: Of course. Ryan: (speaking slowly and clearly making it up as he's going) We find if you eat the foods inside the bag without taking them out, you don't get the nutrition or the fat from the food- Colin: IT SOUNDS CRAZY, BUT IT WORKS!!!
This one takes the cake. Even Laura Hall (the pianist) cracked up.
This one is funny all-around because it is about "Farting".
This one proves that, when Colin has the last word, even a mundane topic like graduation isn't safe.
The "Calling Out the Wrong Name in Bed" playing, the piece de le resistance for the "Meow" Running Gag Colin had been instigating throughout the episode. While it helped bring the song to an epic collapse, everyone else had a hand in it.
Wayne: One night I was getting freaky Drew: With my luh...girl Elaine (botches line) Colin: Boy, we had some fun Ryan: And then AYURDELAAAHH!!(yells gibberish at Drew) Wayne: (collapses in hysterics) Drew: (doubled over in laughter, embarrassment) Colin: Meow! (Laura Hall pauses for a second on the piano as everyone tries to regain their composure, then resumes) Ryan: I've lost track of the story Wayne: I don't know what has happened Drew: She wrote me a letter Colin: My underwear is snappin' Ryan: I think there was a girl involved Wayne: (pause) ..That's what I'm thinkin' Drew: (cracking up) I don't know what to say Colin: MEEEEE-YOOOOWWW!!! Everyone but Colin buckles over with laughter, while he merrily finishes the song ** The best part is the end, after it had completely derailed, and Colin is the only one still singing, everyone else is keeled over, laughing.
The Irish Drinking Song about Drew. Mostly for Wayne randomly mentioning that Drew has "telepathic powers."
And the follow-up rhyme: "He's worn a thong for hours!"
The Irish Drinking Song, "Got Mugged," leaves Ryan tripped up... so he says something absolutely ridiculous. His flub-up is carefully ignored... and then Colin slaysthe whole studio when he gets the last line!
"Fell Out of the Car" had a great last line from Colin:
You seem to have forgotten the fact that Colin kisses everybody. Then this happened:
Drew: Just when you thought Will and Grace was the gayest show on TV, along comes Whose Line is it Anyway.
And 'then' the cast members all show their wedding rings. Except for Jeff, because he doesn't have one, then he goes on to kiss Colin.
The episode where Wayne played the Barry White of the rooster world:
Greg: Contestant #1, when I was growing up on a farm in San Francisco, (Drew laughs) we would've called him a cock. However, I'm going to say that he's a large rooster.
Drew: Well who's the real famous loooove rooster from the '70s?
Greg: ..."The famous love rooster from the '70s"? I don't remember a famous love rooster.
Ryan as "Drew Carey the Musical":
Ryan: (singing) I'm the luckiest guy in the world / the luckiest guy in the world / My eyes are covered with glass / And look at the size of my ass! (later...) Ryan: People say I don't care about anybody but myself, but that's not true, because... (singing) I'm in love with a girl named Maria... (mimes blowing up a blow-up doll; cut to annoyed Drew) She's my special gal! (blows it up completely and mimes dancing with it...and then it blows up on him.) (After the game...) Drew: It was fine, I can take a joke just as good as anybody, so 1000 points to everybody... Ryan: (mouthing out) BUT RYAN. Drew: ...except for Ryan. (he would later subvert this and give Ryan 5000 points because Ryan "thought (he) was rather kind!")
Greg as a cast member of The Real World, and Wayne's disgusted reactions.
Greg: Shut up, buttmunch! I got class in the morning! Wayne: You need to have some class right now!
When Ryan's quirk was: "an evil scientist in his lab about to mutate into a horrific version of the other two bachelors". Not only did he do an amazing impersonation of Michael Jackson, but he did a great parody of Colin Mochrie as well, using no words but merely pulling his hair back with his hand and sporting a dopey grin.
See the Moments With Special Guests section for the Richard Simmons incident.
Brad: I have lots of amphetamines rushing through my system right now! I'm just so pleased to be anywhere without Kathy Lee Crosby. (Ryan whispers to Brad) Whatever, whatever her name is!
The Jerry Springer version, but in particular, Colin's belligerent attitude towards Ryan, Wayne as a redneck in the audience ("I played football in high school! I- it's "D"." "You sure?" "No, but then again, I'm not sure if you're my SON!"), and the top prize being only $100.
Colin: What's your name? Ryan: Bugsy Bugsy. (Colin slaps Ryan) Colin: Your NAME?! Ryan: Bugsy Malone.
In the Frat Boy Edition, Ryan uses Kathy Greenwood as his phone-a-friend lifeline and tells Colin that he was going to break up with her anyway, so it's killing two birds with one stone. After he gets the answer from Kathy and says, "I think we should see other people.", Colin guilt-trips him about it. Suddenly, Wayne (playing the friend in the audience) shouts, "CAN I HAVE HER, BRO?"
When Ryan answers the final question:
Colin: Augh. You're gonna need all the lovin' you can get... or maybe you can just BUY HOOKERS!!! You won the million!
In the song about garbagemen, Wayne segues to Colin by saying, "And speaking of trash..."
"My head? You mean my head MOVES?!"
Any time someone gets multiple props (and someone inevitably will) forcing them to act like all the characters.
In particular, the time when Colin had to combine the impressions of Carol Channing, William Wallace from Braveheart, and Jimmy Stewart. The result has to be seen to be believed.
The Maltese Burger playing, with Colin setting things up so that Ryan would do something that would creep out Drew.
From the same playing, we have Ryan's first narration (remember, it's set at a fast food drive-thru):
"I let him think for a while cause I knew he had the answer, I knew it was a good answer and he was gonna tell it to me. Cause when you ask a question, you expect an answer because that's the way it works. Question, answer. Answer, question. If he gave the answer, I'd have to come up with the question, and that would be Jeopardy! That's wrong."
Greg: We wish you weren't there. Colin: Pardon? Ryan: This is one of those stories where you're just getting in the way, Colin. Colin: Am I?! Well, it's my job to be here! I'm gonna stick my nose in there and make sure that I get every bit of information I can!
In the "Newsflash" about bodybuilders, Ryan asked: "Along the same vein, let me pose another question." Immediately after he says that, there's a close-up of a bodybuilder's bulging head vein, and Ryan responded to that footage with: "Oh God..." Ryan's reaction cracks me up every time.
The Newsflash with the plethora of rats, but particularly Ryan's vague clue: "Well Colin, Kathy and I find this hard to watch and, quite frankly, the two of us need look no more." Drew discussed this line after the game, to which Ryan and Colin sung it.
Ryan: A little obscure. I didn't want to just go, "Hey, look out for the rats!"
The Maggot Newsflash. Kathy and Ryan lose their composure and Colin keeps hitting the mark perfectly. Of course, Ryan couldn't help but comment:
Ryan: Well look at the festive colors!
Colin saying how these clips started, ranging from the want of a nail to a revival of "The King And I" starting Jerry Springer.
Ryan is given the quirk of being a bloodhound trained to sniff out complete idiots. So naturally he goes straight over to Drew and starts howling.
Colin pretending to be a fish made into a fishstick. At one point, Colin was flopping on the floor and a puzzled Greg said, "Colin's a... he's a freak is what he is." Later in the game, when Drew tried to give Greg more hints, Greg said, "I don't care anymore!" and joined Colin on the floor.
The overly-groomed hair of stereotypical gossiping black women.
For that matter, Princess Leia curls.
Mocking the prince of England's elephant ears.
Relating a prop to something so off the wall... any hope of sense is lost.
One of the funniest Props was when Drew and Ryan had a red concave object that was used as a cap, among other things. For one of their uses, Drew set the prop on the floor and climbed into it, but lost his balance and hit the floor faster than he liked. After regaining his composure, he continued with the character he was playing: A baby. Ryan seemed confused by the whole ordeal.
From the same playing: Drew was standing in front of Ryan, covered by the prop. Ryan: "I can't believe I'm having Drew's baby!"
In one playing, Wayne used the prop as crutches and pretended to be Tiny Tim: "God bless us, one and all." Then Colin pushed Wayne down, in a great moment of Dark Comedy.
After the Questionable Impressions of the Hospital, Drew made a nice comment of it: "Now we're going to change the game to "Hey! Let's all make idiots of ourselves", in which Greg nearly does a spit-take.
Another funny bit in the "Questionable Impressions" at a hospital:
Ryan: (as Ed Sullivan) Do you know, that right here, there's a man in need of an operation? Greg: (as Sean Connery) May I ask who you are? Ryan: Is the face not familiar to yeeeuuuu? Rrrrrright here? Greg: Have I made love to you before? Ryan: Are you prepared to welcome into your hospital... four mop-top kids from Liverpool... (is buzzed out) Drew: Hey, who was that, by the way? Ryan: I dunno.
Then Colin comes in as James Cagney and brings down the house, mainly because of the exaggerated shoulder shrugs and arm spasms:
Colin: Do youuuu know where the doctor is? (Greg and Drew loudly laugh off-stage) Wayne: (as Jimmy Durante) A-rinky-dink, where's the doctor? Colin: I need some help... (walks off as Greg continues to laugh)
Then there's the one where Colin does a not-quite-impression. "Got anything for a Craig T. Nelson?"
Wayne, as Sammy Davis Jr., completely forgets he's playing Questionable Impressions: "I would dig this casket for my friend, 'cause that cat is gone."
In one playing of "Questionable Impressions" with the theme of traffic:
Ryan: (as Charles Nelson Reilly) Do you know which way it is to Pomona? (does Reilly's signature laugh) Brad: (as Jimmy Stewart) A-a-aren't you on your way to Lidsville? Uh-uh-uh- (Ryan, smiling ear to ear, just waves his hand and leaves)
Ryan: [as a cheerleader] Who's the team that is the best? Who's better than all the rest? ...Is it the Wildcats? Is it the Wildcats? Wayne: Is it? Is it?
Any time a performer is screwed up by a seemingly simple question is hilarious:
Ryan: Haven't you heard Black Bart's out to get you? Colin: Why? Ryan: ...Oh, I don't know [walks off].
Scenes From A Hat
Drew: The good news and the bad news!
Brad: [To Wayne] The good news is we're going to name a disease after you. [Wayne was relieved and once Brad left, Wayne realized it's not good news.] Colin: [To Wayne] You're in a very funny show. It's against Friends. [Wayne looks upset] Wayne: [To Colin] Honey! I'm pregnant. Meet the father! [Brad comes in happily and hugs Wayne while Colin leaves]
And in another episode:
Wayne: Phew. The elections are over (opens a newspaper) President Bush?! Ryan: The good news, the surgery was successful and you look like a movie star. The bad news is that movie star is Drew Carey. Greg: Merry Christmas, Tommy! (to Wayne) Look, it's Geppetto on DVD! (Drew starred in the film) Drew: (gives them all a Death Glare) Wayne: I liked it! I was in it!
Directly after the above:
Drew: "Pull the string on the Drew Carey doll and it says..." Colin: (pretend to pull the doll string) It was nice the time we worked together, Greg, you're fired. Ryan: (pretending to pull string on doll) "Lower..." Greg: "VRRRRP!Mimi and I are the same person!!"
"And the Oscar for Best Actor goes to: Keanu Reeves." BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
The best part about that one is that the booing goes on for almost ten seconds. Also, just before Colin and Ryan make a scene, the audience start to boo. And after making the suggestions most of the audience laughed rather than booed even during Ryan's 'Push the old lady' scene.
A "Scenes From A Hat" comes back to bite Drew in the ass, involving things you shouldn't do when you're talking to your wife.
Wayne:(pretends to be watching TV with the remote in his hand)(Deadpan) Yeah, honey. Love you, too. (CLICK) Drew: "Scenes From Wayne's Real Life." (entire audience jeers at Drew for ripping one on Wayne) (Drew picks up another card from the hat) Drew: "People You Wish Would Just Shut Up." Wayne:(Pretends to act like Drew pulling the suggestion out of the hat)"People You Wish Would Just Shut Up." (audience cheers)
"Bad Causes to Raise Money For."
Ryan: Give Drew Carey a third show? Give Drew Carey a third show? Anyone? Colin: Bathe the whales!
Drew: "Difficult Questions for Mommy to Answer." Wayne: Mommy, how come no one looks like me on Friends? Colin: Mommy, how come no one looks like me on Friends? Drew: If you weren't listening, I said difficult questions! Colin: I'm adorable.
Drew: "Naked Photos You Wouldn't Want to See on the Internet."
Wayne: Hi, I'm Bea Arthur! Ryan: C-A-R-E-Y. Hmmm... Ryan:Face scrunches with horror; Pretends to click away from the website...Hurtles computer out the window Drew: Careful what you wish for, buddy...
One word: COME! Second place: Get off the mailman! Get off the mailman!
From that same clip:
Wayne: (As Dorothy to the Wizard) Um, Mr. Wizard, I'd like some hair for my friend. Colin: (death glare)
Also doubling as a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming when Colin trips on the stairs and Ryan catches him. Ryan: (astonished) I just saved your life! (Colin pretends to leap off to his death; Ryan shrugs)
The whole scene becomes even funnier if you happen to have a cat named Oxnard.
Alright, push Mrs. Johnson.
I can't believe I broke my old record of eating six burritos!
I'm the little voice in your head. No, I'm the little voice in your head. I'm the little voice in your head. Will the real little voice in your head please stand up? No, it's me, I'm the little voice in your head. I'm the little voice in your head....
Colin: Hey, I didn't mean to cook your dog/But hey those things just happen/Mine was just standing there/And his little toes started tapping/So I cut his throat/Well, go get a goat/And I put him on the barbeque... (Ryan drags him off the stage)
"Here, velociraptor!" (Colin comes in as the said dinosaur and bites Brad's neck)
"Baby Names that will get your child's ass kicked."
Ryan: Aww, is Kick My Ass getting hungry? Colin: "Come here Colin." (Awws from the audience, then the other cast mates feign beating him up)
The ultimate OH EXPLOITABLE scene comes from this clip—"Little Known Facts About Our Host, Drew Carey": First, Drew's reaction at the beginning when he reads the card that is likely that suggestion, refusing to read it out loud and putting it back into the hat. Everyone knows something is up. He waits until the hat is down to that one card, doing his best to dodge the bullet, until he sucks it up. Then, after he does announce it, he buzzes the guys out before they can say anything. Finally, Ryan's fact after Drew lets him go: "What kind of a middle name is Allison?!" It's true, too.
Colin: "Monkey monkey chew the butter, see my buttocks? There is better batter. Batoota. Batoota monkey monkey. Look there's a gerbil. I'm going up and down. 60 Minutes, where are you? Here's an expose for you. Libilala. Libilala. Libilala" Brad:(Brad comes in) Time for your pill. (then pushes him out)
This is the only time that Ryan didn't pull him out of the stage as he was laughing too hard until Brad does it for him.
Documentary subjects you'll never see.
Today we're going to show you how to catch a bullet. (bang)
"What phone sex operators are doing on the other end". Drew gets Ryan to do one, even though Drew just picked the next topic and Ryan said it wasn't good. It was him and Colin playing Yahtzee.
This from the 100th episode:
Drew: Statements that will get bleeped by the censor. Wayne: In Spanish, they call me El Grande Ricardo, but you can call me BIG DICK! Greg: I'm George Bush, and I'm a FUCKINGIdja-min-it! Colin: Here, pussy! Drew: Outtakes from the first 100 episodes of "Whose Line". Colin: Here, pussy!
Greg: (in an obnoxious French accent) I hope you are not watching the idiotic Belgian version. This is, of course, the French version where nothing matters. (audience laughs)BUZZ Don't laugh! BUZZ Stop buzzing! BUZZ The points don't matter, the buzzing doesn't matter! BUZZ I asked you to stop!
Rejected State Anthems:
Ryan: (singing) Whores and gambling, whores and gambling, that's Nevada! (opens arms wide) Greg: (singing) Goin' back to Mississippi, where my cousin is my dad!
"The last thing Drew thinks about before he drifts off to sleep". Wayne happily says, "Money...", then adds: "It's true, right?" Drew didn't exactly say no.
Brad Sherwood's beautiful playing where he has to come up with rhymes for a girl named Naroshi.
"Let's get some brioch-ee!"
WHY! Couldn't you have an easy rhymin' name?
When Wayne and Brad sang to Florence Henderson:
Brad: Oh come on Mrs. Brady / please give me a treat / I'll be Sam the Butcher / and then you can try my meat!
"When You're a Goat", sung in the style of West Side Story . Notable bits include Kathy Greenwood's "ramming" and Wayne's incredulous reaction after the game was over: "You can't air that!"
When Wayne sang to Chanel the Polynesian dancer, the style was a love ballad that gradually increased in tempo. By the end of it, he was singing so fast that he was virtually unintelligible, and pretends to faint from exhaustion. Ryan looked startled in the background.
Chip: [pantomimes swimming] Theme from Jaws? Colin: I'll get a harpoon! Lala lala? [walks off]
This one gives us another great line from Colin that actually follows the rules of the game:
Colin: You Wanna Dance? Ryan: Do You Know The Way To San Jose? Colin: Route 66! [the two start slow dancing] Ryan: Ah, Oklahoma! Colin: Theme from Titanic.
The crowning moment here is the fabled "Quacking Elephants," a Sound Effects sketch Gone Horribly Wrong. Drew's meltdown during and after has to be seen to be believed. (ABC Family actually made a whole promo out of Drew laughing after this game!)
Ryan: Shoot something out of your pants that will go over the wall so we can climb up!
"Put your pants back on! Everyone's screamin' at you with a baby hangin' out of you like that! TAXI!"- Ryan to Colin, in the "Sound Effects" where Colin was Ryan's heavily pregnant wife. The line came after the two audience members off-stage made a screech noise (which was supposed to represent a cab pulling up).
Same game, Colin pushing the baby back inside definitely was one, though it wasn't prompted by any sound.
When Colin and Ryan played two GIs escaping from a POW camp, there's a moment when Ryan is trying to dig his way out of the camp with a shovel, and one of the audience members says, "I don't know." Ryan improvises: "Oh my God, there's somebody in there!", and then mimes pulling them out of the hole he dug and leading them off. Drew's off-camera laughter makes this gag even funnier.
From the same playing: Ryan's character struggles to lift a hatch door, and the audience member made a "Bwwaaaaaaaaaaack" sound. Ryan's observation? "There seems to be a chicken on it!"
Before one playing, Drew asked an old woman he got from the audience: "Sally, do you own a little bird named Tweety?" After much laughter at her expense, the other much younger woman good-naturedly told him: "Easy on my mother!" Drew responded, "Oh it's your mother, I'm sorry, she has a remarkable resemblance." Ryan, smiling wide but probably embarrassed for Sally, couldn't even look at Drew during all this, which makes it all the more hilarious.
One playing had Ryan and Colin playing two firemen. Towards the end of the scene, one of the ladies providing sound effects shouted, "OH HELP! HELP!" Ryan observed: "It's an old Indian woman!"
Stand Sit Bend
Pretty much any of them. These skits had great physical comedy, due to the performers having to constantly adjust to each others' movements. It's a shame the game never really appeared very much outside of some U.K. episodes and the first two U.S. seasons.
Just one example: Ryan playing a woman in labor. Every time he sat up to breathe, Colin had to lay on the ground. Then when Ryan went back to lying down, Colin got back up. Repeat this a few times.
When Colin was getting a tattoo, but especially for this great call back at the beginning of the game, when Drew accidentally read the wrong scene for the game.
The series of heroes suggested by the audience for Brad which were rejected by the censor.
"Cross-Dressing Man" who was called to save the crisis of "Frizzy Hair"
Colin: Can't use frizzy hair.
Ryan: Can't use frizzy hair, people have frizzy hair.
Another one, "Blind Jim"
Brad: What? They're saying no? What a surprise!
Ryan: How about Crippled Carl? Is that okay?
Drew: Retarded Ricky!
Brad: It's Herpes Hank!
Greg as "Not Hot But Spicy Man". The name alone is great.
Ryan: You're not even that spicy. (leaves; audience "ooohs") Greg: He's discovered my secret. I'm filled with delicious avocado.
Three-Headed Broadway Star
"I Lost My Legwarmers". Funny moment within this — Colin using the word "YOU!" nine times in a row, then Ryan gets to say "YOU!"...and Colin and Wayne turn to look at him in perfect synchronization. Or maybe it's Wayne's falsetto-out-of-nowhere.
Even better: once Ryan steals "you!" from Colin, what's the next thing Colin says? "I!"
"I can't live without your pants, so I'll take them off!"
"They Threw it Away", mainly due to unresolved mother issues and attempted high notes. One YouTube comment even noted how this song qualifies as a Tear Jerker for the fictional musical:
The trashman, scrounging for garbages to pick up. is asking himself what our world would be without them. His heart is crying about the fact that garbage men are unappreciated in the society. He then narrates his tragic childhood with his mother that led him to became a garbage man. He is "almost free" because he cannot escape his past. He then laments on how he wants to throw his heart away and just get away from it all.
"Chili dogs! Cos you're mine to...day and... (Colin hesitates) f...ffflourish!"
"Hillary and Monica": The song begins with the hilarious lyrics: "One's a first lady, the other's a tramp..."
"Cosby and the Insurance Salesman": Originally supposed to be "Cosby and Hitler" before it was nixed by a producer, Ryan managed to work in a Hitler gag during the song anyway: He randomly did a "heil Hitler" salute.
Ryan:(spies Drew from within Hell) So THIS is how you got two shows!
Drew, imitating Wayne before the scene when he gives Ryan his quirk: "Why does my weather map always have to cover the gates of Hell?"
Gregs reaction to his prompt
Drew: Greg, you're a nerdy white guy desperately trying to act street.
Greg: I know. Whats it say on the card?
This "Weird Newscasters" has Wayne as a sadistic Marine drill sergeant, and he manages to pull an audience member into the sketch in the process. The leaf-green shirt he's wearing really sells it, too.
Ryan's take on it. Minus points for the shirt, and plus 2000 points for roping in more audience members and convincing them to climb Colin's "Newsflash" wall.
What's even better is that he clearly didn't expect them to actually do it.
Funniest of all, when they are climbing it, it breaks. And then Ryan chews out the wrong guy for gripping it too hard!
As another great example of audience participation, observe Ryan's tour-de-force as Frankenstein's monster in this playing.
This one has Greg as a politician doing a smear campaign on his rival Drew, Wayne as a frat boy doing increasingly crazy stunts, and Ryan as the rise and fall of a 1940s boxer. If for nothing else, this must be seen for Ryan's performance alone, which is probably one of his greatest ever.
Welcome to the Six o'clock news. I'm Chester Snapdragon McFisticuffs.
Actually, everyone's fake names can be added to this list.
From the "Meow Episode", we have Wayne doing the sports report as, so his character description reads, "An aging female Broadway performer doing a big song and dance number whose extensive plastic surgery begins to collapse." It must be seen to be believed.
One of the harshest disses the show gave witness to is when Ryan is sliding down the evolutionary scale. First, he falls back to caveman, then monkey, and finally, DREW. Even funnier- Drew mouths "I KNEW IT." And then Ryan takes immense flak for it- but it's resolved soon. Later, the joke becomes the subject of the credits.
Any time Wayne pretends Drew is a woman, such as when he played an Italian stud:
Wayne: 'Scusi, senor, you look like the most beautiful girl I ever seen!
Or when he played a Jamaican love god:
Wayne: Before we talk about the baseball and the football, I'll tell ya about my favorite sport of ALLLL. No, it's not baseball, but me use a bat. It's the sport of makin' love, and I only make love to the most beautiful women in the world, like this woman here. (signals to Drew)
In one playing, both Wayne and Ryan made fun of Drew in their skits: Wayne played a Russian weightlifter whose biggest challenge was lifting Drew (he was unable to do it, and walked away, disgraced) and Ryan, playing Prince Charming looking for the foot that fit the shoe. After trying out numerous audience members, he hesitantly walked towards Drew and tried the shoe on. It fit, Ryan shouted "NOOOOOOOOO!!" and hung himself. After the game, a miffed Drew said:
Drew: Well, that's 1,000 points each to Kathy and Colin. (audience laughs) Ryan and Wayne, it was nice knowin' ya.
Greg: "That's the news, stay tuned for Geppetto 2, where Geppetto moves in with a grown man that he's created." (cut to annoyed Drew)
Ryan: You think the lions are gonna roll over and have a little giggle at that one? Colin: Wait wait wait wait wait, LIONS?! What's with the lions? Ryan: Who did you think you were fighting today? Colin: ...Two little guys?
Ryan: Am I so scary now? Colin: You're kind of a lot scarier, actually.
The final line: "Spit out the gums and kiss me hard!" Colin: "COME ON! Spit out my dad's gums and kiss me hard!" Ryan: "What if I kiss you with your dad's gums?" (does so; Drew doesn't buzz) "I guess that won't do...!" (Drew finally buzzes, sparing them a Ho Yay kiss)
In the World's Worst about "Person to Live Next Door To", one of Drew's examples is:
Drew: Oh, me? I'm a jackhammer tester. (audience barely laughs) That'd be a really annoying person to live next door to, huh? A jackhammer tester. Because they'd be using their jackhammer, they'd be doing it all (bleep)ing day!
In the World's Worst about TV advertisements, Wayne's example, which is such a pointless device that it's hilarious:
Wayne: I'd never be able to find myself if it weren't for this: Brojack! I know where I am 24 hours a day! (beeps) I'm right here!
However, Colin wins this game with all three of his suggestions:
In one episode, after Greg's suggestion (where he utilized Drew), Drew stepped backward but tripped and fell down. At this, Ryan and Greg mocked this by purposefully falling down in the most exaggerated ways possible. Colin just stood and watched the craziness unfold.
Second US version, hosted by Aisha Tyler:
Colin, imitating a ventriloquist: "If you don't mind another guy with another guy... up his ass...". Cue Corpsing.
Wayne: "I don't have any pictures of myself, but I have plenty of you." (perfect rape face expression)
Dubbing/Scene with Audience Member
A Dubbing with Audience Member game based on The Walking Dead, which gets out of control when Wayne is "turned" and special guest Lauren Cohan resorts to kicking him out of frame. What follows is Wayne doing a girlyshambleoff the stage. This gets turned into an episode-length Running Gag along the lines of "Meow!" and "Africa is a country" from the old show—in a later game, where Cohan is a bird, Ryan warns Colin, "Watch out, that one looks like it could kick!" (in the context of a stray dog that may bite)
Kyle Richards of "Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills" surprisingly got one when she was a guest; on top of hamming it up (which is to be expected with Colin doing the dubbing), Colin then seemingly threw her a curveball by telling fashionista Wayne that he can't do the splits, "like this". Cue Kyle doing a perfect split, leaving the audience (and cast) in shock. Wayne then tries to do a split himself...it doesn't work.
The ep with just Keegan Michael Key may mark a first for the series, as Ryan finds himself spitting up something the moment it hits.
"I wasn't actually expecting it to be real tequila! Wooww!!"
The one with Wilson Bethel. Despite just playing the barman on his own show, Wilson paid enough attention to the medical bits to do a very good game (aside from a wildly off the mark blood pressure reading, when he even had the numbers backwards,) even combining both aspects as he takes a swig of the prop urine sample like it was a shotglass.
Then later, Ryan (who's playing the doctor) attempts to taste some cough syrup, Colin dumps half the bottle down his throat, and he's visibly affected by it.
Ryan: "Hm, I detect alcohol. Whoo, no wonder little Jimmy ain't coughing."
In one scene, Colin instructs Wayne, Ryan, and Nyima Funk to play a Batman scene as high-energy game show hosts. Naturally, Wayne starts making deliberate references to Lets Make A Deal... when Colin cuts the scene. Ryan hints Colin about him being on that show and Colin slams Wayne by saying "You're great on the show, especially since you lost all the weight." Needless to say, Wayne got crushed by this remark, getting his mutters bleeped and the crowd was rejoicing at how they finally got a Drew Carey joke.
Amazingly, they manage to outdo some of the classic ones like the maggots and skateboarding ones with dental work, from Heather Anne and the whole audience screaming in fear, Ryan managing to drop some hints amidst being Squicked out himself, to Colin genuinely Corpsing at all this. The Twitter hashtag shown on the screen is #DentalFears, which may well be an understatement given the reactions from everyone involved.
Scenes From A Hat
All of the "Things You Can Say To Your [X] But Not Your Girlfriend/Partner" rounds from "Scenes From A Hat" have some of the raunchiest Double Entendres in the show's history.
Colin: Scoop of baboon ass? Ryan: Would you like a cone or a bowl of jock strap?
Any time anyone tries to simply walk in a Sideways Scene game is guaranteed to be hilarious.
Also the time Colin tried to enter the door and it didn't go very well...
Colin: OWW! Doorknob!
Aisha gave them a new scene in the style of Paranormal Activity; Wayne simply stands up and looks around confused. Leave it to Wayne to make standing up funny.
Colin played some Quidditch when the Harry Potter style was suggested. To hear him say the word alone is funny.
In Jonathan Mangum's first televised game for Whose Line, he plays a game show host giving Colin away as a grand prize... and attempts to physically give him to Aisha. Unfortunately, Colin is heavier than he anticipated, resulting in a moment of pure Cringe Comedy.
Wayne returns to the sports desk as a Grand Theft Auto criminal, and once again, Aisha is not safe.
Another Weird Newscaster business had Wayne doing an episode of "Oprah's Favorite Things" and even conned the audience into his act.
In the above game, Ryan was ugly outer space alien posing as a weatherman who's disguising is coming off — and attacked Colin twice.
What's in the Bag?
In this game, Colin and Ryan have to act out a scene with a third performer, using items from two audience members' purses. During one round of this, Colin looks into the purse, says "Ooh, I'm ready for a date later," and closes the bag. Aisha (and the audience members) lose it.
In the episode with Maggie Q: Ryan pulling out a spray canister and spritzing it in Colin's direction to make a bad breath joke? Funny. The resulting mist wafting into Ryan's face and turning out to be pepper spray? Hilarious.
open/close all folders
Let's face it, this show is made of CMOF. After all, that's why we're dedicating an entire page to it.
Now we're going to read the credits as a bunch of Tropers. Goodnight, everybody!
Created, devised, and compiled by Dan Patterson and Mark Leveson.