Quotes / Mugging the Monster

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    Anime & Manga 

Mook 1: Dressed all in black... A one-handed no-shield style. Don't tell me that's the Black Swordsman...
Mook 2: Rosalia, this is the Beater who solos the front lines... he's on an Assault Team!
Rosalia: Why would someone from an Assault Team be all the way down here? Just take him out already! And take everything he owns!
(several Sword Skills later)
Kirito: About 400, in around 10 seconds. That's the total damage you seven can inflict on me. I'm level 78. I have 14,500 HP. My battle-healing skill auto-regenerates 600 points every ten seconds. We could stand here all day, and you'd never beat me.

    Comic Books 

I'm telling you that you're in the wrong film, fatboy. You're not in the cowboy film you thought you were. This is a different kind of movie. And you're in the scene where the redneck shitkicker picks on the stranger in town, only it turns out to be Big Arnie or a gang of vampires. I bet you've seen that a million times, cowboy.
King Mob kindly explaining the trope while threatening a Groin Attack, The Invisibles

Supergirl: I take it this [bent pipe] is yours, guys?
Crook 1: H-Holy...! It... It's... Oh, man, it sure is! Hey... We're awfully sorry, lady... Honest! We didn't know it was you!
Supergirl: I'm kind of glad it was! My head's made to take this kind of abuse!— Is yours?
Crook 1: Oh... Momma...
Crook 2: P-Please... Don't do it!

    Fan Works 

Shinji: How come I'm the one with the pack after them? You were ten times as popular as I was, a week after you arrived, miss incredibly-hot-exotic-foreign-transfer-student. I know Touji and Kensuke were making crazy amounts of cash selling beauty shots of you almost right away. Why haven't I had to chase away a pack of boys drooling after you?
Asuka: Because I already had them properly terrified and respectful after I mashed the first two flat when they tried to ask me out the week I got here and refused to take "no" for an answer, [...] Putting a couple of them on the ground with a few punches when they got rough taught the others to keep off.
Advice and Trust, chapter 8

“I know,” the mare said with a small chuckle. “But really, I couldn't just leave. After the... humiliation the Avatar gave me, taking her cutie mark isn't truly enough.” She got to her hooves. “Taking the cutie marks of her friends as well? I think that will sting nice and hard.”

“Mmmm hmmm,” Silver said with another sip. “You know, nopony is here. They won't hear you scream.”

“Yes, they won't hear you... wait, what?” Meadowbrook said, staring at the mare.
— Starlight Glimmer and Silver Spoon, right before Silver Mind Rapes Starlight, Avatar: Legend Of Diamond Tiara

Noises nearby. He didn’t even have to turn up his hearing to perceive them.
A couple of other interlopers. This town had some interesting nightlife, to be sure. Both of them were humanoid, but not human. They had misshapen heads and hands that simply weren’t right, but both of them fit into Terran clothing. It seemed that both of them were smiling, but that was hard to tell.
“Hate to ask, pops, but you know how it is when you’re down on your luck,” said one. “Can I bum a quarter?”
“Actually,” said the other, “we don’t even need that. We’ll work for food. Of course, you’re the food.”
They lunged.
He turned his head two separate ways within the space of an instant.
Both of the demons had time to gape as they felt the bolts of heat searing through their middles. They also had time to look at the gaping red holes in their chests those bolts had made.
Then they crumpled to the ground and moved no more.
He surveyed them both for a second, then said, “Never hunt on an empty stomach. You get careless that way.”

    Film - Live-Action 

That's not a knife. (draws his Bowie knife) This is a knife!
Mike Dundee is unimpressed with a wannabe mugger's switchblade, Crocodile Dundee

Gandalf: I ran into some unsavory characters whilst traveling along the Greenway. They mistook me for a vagabond.
Thorin: I imagine they regretted that.

Viggo: It's not what you did, son, that angers me so. It's who you did it to.
Iosef: A fuckin' nobody?
Viggo: That fucking nobody... Is John Wick.

Delinquent: Hey, who do you think you are, huh?
Garth: Just a dumb kid, Hub. Don't kill him.
Hub: Right.
(Hub grabs the kid's throat)
Hub: I'm Hub McCann. I've fought in two World Wars and countless smaller ones on three continents. I led thousands of men into battle with everything from horses and swords to artillery and tanks. I've seen the headwaters of the Nile, and tribes of natives no white man had ever seen before. I've won and lost a dozen fortunes, killed many men, and loved only one woman with a passion a flea like you could never begin to understand. That's who I am. NOW, GO HOME, BOY!

Mugger: Hey buddy, can we borrow some cash?
Will: All of ya? Well I've got about a thousand dollars on me, how much would you like to borrow? Five? Ten?

Erik: Doesn't it ever wake you in the middle of the night? The thought that someday they might pass that foolish law, or one just like it, and come for you, and your children?
Charles: It does indeed.
Erik: And what will you do, when you wake up to that?
Charles: I feel a great swell of pity for the poor soul who comes to my house... (looks directly at Eric) looking for trouble.


They had the heavy, stolid look of those thugs whose appearance in any narrative means that it's time for the hero to be menaced a bit, although not too much, because it's also obvious that they're going to be horribly surprised.

People who are rather more than six feet tall and nearly as broad across the shoulders often have uneventful journeys. People jump out at them from behind rocks then say things like, "Oh. Sorry. I thought you were someone else."

Intent to rob, intent to assault, assault, and failing to be selective in your choice of victim. Bad day for you.
Vlad Taltos, Iorich

"You're not impressing anyone," I said.
Oh, I just had to take one look at her expression to see that she was reveling in the irony. She didn't give a damn that the accusations she was directing at me could be turned against her. For her, it was all about the reaction she got out of me. Victories, both big and little. And all the while, she was oblivious to what I was holding back: tens of thousands of bugs, insects and arachnids, worms, centipedes, snails and slugs. I restrained them in the same way I might keep my fist clenched, resisting the urge to swing it at her. It wasn't just the idea of hurting her. That was almost secondary. It was the idea of catching her right now, when she had less of a hold over me than she'd had in years. To see the look on her face in the moment before the bugs forced themselves into her airways. The dawning comprehension, the realization of what she'd brought on herself. One action, and she might experience a share of the fear, the frustration and disgust I'd experienced over the years. The hopelessness, the helplessness in the face of someone with more power to throw around. I could imagine the bugs flowing into her mouth before she thought to cover it, flowing into her nostrils until she covered that. I could imagine the moment she realized she'd have to swallow if she wanted to breathe. I might even dismiss the bugs from flying around between us, just so I'd have a clear visual of it.

In fact, he almost wanted some creepy drunk person to saunter up and start a conversation, just so he could see what would happen. He figured it would inevitably be something surprising, like them turning out to be really fun and perfectly harmless, if a bit over-friendly from the inebriation. And if they tried to kidnap and murder him, well. That would be surprising for them.

The Fulcis' Dodge had smoked glass windows, so the guy in the suit could almost have been forgiven for what he said next.
"Hey," he said, "get that fucking tin can out of the way. We're in a hurry here!"
Nothing happened for about fifteen seconds, while the Fulcis' primitive semi-medicated brains tried to equate the words they'd heard spoken with their own vision of their beloved truck. Eventually, the door on the driver's side opened, and a very large, very irate Tony Fulci jumped gracelessly from the cab to the ground. He wore a polyester golf shirt, elastic-waisted pants from a big-man store, and steel-toed work boots. His belly bulged under his shirt, the sleeves of which stopped above his enormous biceps, the material insufficiently Lycraed to make the stretch demanded of his pumped arms. Twin arcs of muscle reached out from his shoulders, their symmetry undisturbed by the intrusion of a neck, giving him the appearance of a man who had recently been force-fed a very large coat hanger.
His brother Paulie joined him. He made Tony look a little on the dainty side.
"Jesus Christ," said the BMW driver.
Then the Fulcis went to work.

    Live-Action TV 

[The Streib's] last expedition was into Minbari space. We tracked them back to their homeworld... and made sure they understood the depth of their mistake.
Ambassador Delenn, "All alone in the night," Babylon 5

Buffy: You ever heard the expression, "biting off more than you can chew?" ...Okay, um, how about the expression "Vampire Slayer?"
Vampire: What the hell are you talking about?
Buffy: Wow. Never heard that one? Okay, how about, "Oh God, my leg, my leg?"
(Sickening "Crunch!")
Vampire: Oh God, my leg! Ah!

Rick: They're going to feel pretty stupid when they find out.
Abraham: Find out what?
Rick: They're screwingnote  with the wrong people.

    Tabletop Games 

As the veteran adventurer Torbras of Westgate put it, "If you accost a barefoot laborer digging in the mud of a turnip field and stained glass golems suddenly lurch out of nearby sheds or the columns of a barn come to life, and gemstones float out of the man's pockets to circle his head and spit lightning at you — well, you've found one of those fabled jewelers of Irl, and likely a swift end to your life, too!"

Faelrae is apparently a Tashalan human but is in truth a song dragon. Ilden seems to be a male Shaaran human but reverts to his true silver dragon form when he feels the need.

That need usually arises either when a wizard decides that Hawkgarth looks ripe for being transformed into his or her domain (there have been several spectacular, midair spell-battles attendant on persuading such individuals that they're mistaken) or when an adventuring band, mercenary company, or (more rarely) neighboring ruler decides that Hawkgarth needs a new form of government — to whit, them.

Hey lads, the moon's rising. All the better to watch him beg for mercy. Just look at him, groveling on all fours! What a pathetic - uh-oh.

    Video Games 

(Jodie, 90-pound 24-year-old girl, has beaten up four frat-boys preying on a homeless man)
Stan: How did you do that?
Jodie: I... I learned how to fight in the army.
Stan: Yeah, but there was four of them, 'gainst one of you.
Jodie: Four assholes. They did not know how to fight.

Thief: Stop right there! Now hand over your valuables and no one gets hurt.
The Dragonborn: I don't have time for this.

You are robbed six times before the lighting of the lamps. Well, "robbed" is generous. Anyone who so much as breathes on your pockets suffers a swift beating. Is everyone in this city a villain?

There are people in this world who go about demanding to be killed. You must have noticed them. They quarrel in gambling games. They jump out of their automobiles in a rage. They humiliate and bully people whose capabilities they do not know. These are people who wander through the world shouting, "Kill me." And there's always someone ready to oblige to them.
Vito Corleone, The Godfather

Medic: Hello? Can you hear me, my beautiful creation?
Mugger: Ungh... where am I? Last thing I remember was robbin' some nerdy German tourist in an alley, then... then... Oh God.
Medic: Water under the bridge, mein kleines ungeheuer! Welcome to your new life! As a Halloween decoration!
Gargoyles and Gravel comic, Team Fortress 2

Ever heard of the Yiga Clan? They're a group of thieving bandits who have caused all sorts of trouble back in town. I got a tip that some of them go incognito as travelers to ambush the unwary. That's why I'm dressed as a simple merchant. My mission is to blend in and stay on guard in case they strike.


Zephan: (reading Sydney's police record) It looks like she spent a night in jail, she was charged with aggravated assault...
Maxima: Again, unsurprised.
Zephan: It was dismissed as self-defense. Apparently... good lord, someone tried to mug her? Talk about unprofessional, the police report says only "Oh the humanity!"

"Attention! Banditry's na tha answer ta yer problems. 'Tis wrong and also dangerous. Ye are surround'd by deadly trees an' ye have na sufficient force ta make a real go of it. One a' these days, yer just gonna end up trying to rob like a level 16 fighter by accident and get massacred."
Durkon Thundershield to a gang of bandits, The Order of the Stick

Captain Kaepu: Your friends are running headlong into the Uuplechan Patriot Armada.
Doctor Gugro: Oh, tlumnphrot, those idiots. They're going to get themselves killed.
Captain Kaepu: And you must not warn them. Further complicity on your part will make things much worse.
Doctor Gugro: Even if I did care enough to warn them, there's no way the UPA would listen to me.
Captain Kaepu: I meant don't warn your sister, or her mercenary friends.
Doctor Gugro: Not an issue, because they're not in any danger.
Captain Kaepu: Things just got much worse.

    Web Original 

(a group of thugs tear up Kami's Lookout)
Garlic Jr. Mmm-heheheh! The view hasn't changed a bit!
Mr. Popo: (nonchalant) Clean that up.
Garlic Jr.: I beg your pardon? Have you an inkling in that simple little head of yours who you're speaking to?
Mr. Popo: Oh, please, do go on.
Garlic Jr.: I am the usurper of the once-proud throne your worthless Guardian holds so dear! I am Garlic Jr., returned from the wretch abyss known as the Dead Zone, and I have come for what's rightfully m- what's going on? I don't remember releasing the black mist — OH GOD! NO! NO! GET IT OFF ME! (gibbers in terror as he's consumed by darkness)
Mr. Popo: (watches, smiling)

But that was not murder. It was clearly self-defense. The fact that I had a submachine gun changes nothing. It just lets me defend more efficiently.

Number two, the opponents. They, and everyone else, must think that they are the ones with the overwhelming advantage, they have to be a little cocky about it as well.
— Reviewer House elaborating his ideal power fantasy

Mobster: Alright, kid, put your hands where I can see 'em.
Ruby Rose: (oblivious)
Mobster: Hey, I said hands in the air! You gotta death wish or somethin'? (grabs her shoulder)
Ruby: Hmm? (removes headphones) Yes?
Mobster: I said, put your hands in the air, now!
Ruby: Are you... robbing me?
Mobster: Yes!
Ruby: (smiles slightly) Ohhh...
Mobster: (Punched Across the Room)
Headphones Music: They see you as small and helpless, They see you as just a child, Surprise when they find out that a Warrior will soon run wild!

Silica: Oh no, Mister Kirito, there's so many of them! I'll back you up!
Kirito: Aww, that's adorable, you think they're a threat! Well, you just sit tight - show's about to start. Careful though, the first three rows are a splaaash zooone~
Silica: What's he mean by that?
Kirito: (laughs madly while advancing on the Mooks)
Mook 1: Uh, boss? A thought occurs. This guy thought he was going up against Laughing Coffin but he still just brought himself and... a small child. You sure we want to mess with this guy?
Rosalia: Please, this guy's all talk. And now that I've broken him, he's not even that anymore. He's nothing but a gibbering mess, grasping at straws.
Kirito: Ooooh, another one of your famous theories. Tell ya what, I'll give you the first shot! See how that goes.
Mook 2: Boss, I think this might be a trap.
Rosalia: Enough! You're all level 45, and there's seven of you! I think you've got this!
Kirito: (grins)
Rosalia: Now kill him!
(Kirito doesn't bother to dodge as Titan's Hand mobs him, to no effect)
Rosalia: What are you idiots doing?! Quit screwing around and finish him!
Mook: I don't understand! We threw everything we had at him, how is he still standing?
Kirito: How? Well, it's quite simple, really. You see, girly, you may think you've got me all figured out, but there's one thing you didn't account for. My numbers- (reveals his level 78 stats) are bigger than yours! Funny thing really: get to a high enough level, and you're basically untouchable. My wounds heal faster than you can make them. We could do this all day and you would not be any closer to beating me. Not that it wouldn't be fun. But, I've got good news! You see, there's no need to wonder where your god is! Cause he's right here! And he's fresh out of mercy.
Mook: (sobbing)

Mana: Ah, good to hear. How's things been aside from that? Nobody's tried to rob you, have they? I heard that's a big problem around here.
Hrodland: They did ... Once.
Mana: Bet they aren't gonna try again, huh?

    Western Animation 

J-Man: Who do you think you're talking to, old man? We're the Jokerz!
Bruce Wayne: Sure you are.

Bruce Wayne: Who are you?
Payback: I'm your worst nightmare.
Bruce: You have no idea what my nightmares are like.
Batman Beyond, "Payback"

    Real Life 

I fear that all we have done is to awaken a sleeping giant and fill him with a terrible resolve.
Attributed to Naval Marshal General Isoroku Yamamoto, after the attack on Pearl Harbor

I'll see your six and raise you thirty-five!
"Ser Trude Lacklandia," to a mugger who attacked her with a six inch switchblade, pulling her two-handed broadsword in response.