"Greetings, mortals, welcome to another session of the infernal court in Musical Hell. I'm Diva, your judge, jury, executioner and [something pertinent to that episode's topic]."
"This is the most [superlatively illogical description of whatever is happening in the musical Diva's watching] I've ever seen, and remember, I've seen this. [cut to something such occurrences can be compared to, sometimes with a Call-Back to a previous episode.]"
When paraphrasing characters to quickly summarize a scene, she usually phrases it as, "And then [character] is all..."
Major General Song: Given The Pirate Movie is based on the source material, of course the episode ends with Diva singing a version based on herself!
Mama's Baby, Papa's Maybe: In her review of Love Never Dies, Diva questions Christine's certainty of Gustave's true father—she says that if Christine slept with the Phantom right before her wedding night, and then presumably slept with Raoul soon afterwards (as Raoul seems to be under the impression that Gustave is his, clearly they did the deed in the correct timeframe), it makes no sense for Christine to be that sure.
Medium Blending: In the Grand Finale, The Devil's Carnival, Diva shifts to her live-action self as she's given a second chance and allowed to leave Hell.
Memetic Molester: She notes that Stanley's reaction to being kissed on the cheek by a toddler unintentionally makes him seem like a pedophile.
Minimalist Cast: Diva's usually the only character featured on the show (unless you count her angel counterpart Donna, and even then, she's rarely in the show).
There is an imp bailiff who never appears, but whose voice (if you can call it that) is occasionally heard.
Minion with an F in Evil: She tries, but she’s not very good at it. She even identifies with a character in Happily Ever After precisely for this.
Monster Clown: Diva offhandedly comments in her Home on the Range review that "all clowns are demons in disguise", and that she attended clown college, receiving high marks in cannibalism.
Monster Delay: Diva sins The Mighty Kong for unnecessarily dragging out the title character's entrance compared to the original film. note The original film has Kong appear at around 47 minutes with about 57 to go. The animated film has him appear at 42 minutes with 29 to go.
Diva cites Popeye its first sin for the clash between its dreary production design and its live-action cartoony character design and slapstick. The dreary music (which earns the next sin) doesn't help.
Diva namechecks this as one of Camelot's sins, accusing director Joshua Logan of taking the material so seriously that the lighter moments come across as awkward. This extends to the Oscar-winning Production and Costume Designs, which consist of drab Earth colors and over-the-top 60's designs, a style that alternates between boring and ridiculous.
"The Verdict" at the end of each review is accompanied by Dramatic Thunder, and so it's not uncommon to see an upbeat ending number being interrupted by this ominous thunder clapping.
The Music Man get sinned for its uneven tone, in particular the abrupt transition to "Shipoopi" from a more somber scene of Hill being reflective.
Musical World Hypotheses: Diva discusses this trope during her review of Cinderella (2021), after a joke where Cinderella acknowledges that she just sang a song a few minutes ago while talking to Fab G. Diva explains that unless there's a clear distinction between characters who sing and characters who don't sing in a musical, simply making jokes about how the characters point out when they randomly sing and dance at times is overused, and doesn't make the creators of a piece of work look like they know a lot about musicals. She points out a more favorable example of this kind of humor in an Affectionate Parody like Schmigadoon!, which specifically plays with the tropes used in musicals from the 40's and 50's.
Diva refers to the opening number of The Ten Commandments: The Musical as a "treasure trove of unintentional humor".
She criticizes the 2003 version of The Music Man for trying to portray Mayor Shin as a more serious and menacing character... while not changing his silly dialogue or the fact that he's fundamentally a pompous blowhard.
As discussed in Mr. Quilp, Little Nell's overwrought death in the original The Old Curiosity Shop skirts the line of satire (even bringing up Oscar Wilde's infamous critique), but the film's ending "takes a flying leap over that line and never looks back."
Narm Charm: invoked Diva sees The Return of Captain Invincible as existing in its own universe where the standards of good filmmaking don't apply, and it's best to go along with the craziness for 90 minutes. It helps that Christopher Lee gets to go all out as Mr. Midnight.
Noble Demon: Diva never fails to call out a movie for inconsistent morals, especially regarding racism and sexism, or at Hi Tops for not living up to its Christian message.
Non-Singing Voice: invoked Expect Diva to sin a movie if a character's singing double fails to match their speaking counterpart. Quest for Camelot and Arabian Knight are two films sinned for this reason.
In her review of the "Staller version" of Phantom of the Opera, Diva feels the need to clarify that none of Abe Hirschfeld's myriad antics were jokes on her part.
In her review of The Devil's Carnival, Diva adds a subtitle to say she did not add the cartoony sound effects of Scorpion running away.
No True Scotsman: La La Land earns a sin for treating Sebastian holding this viewpoint with regards to jazz musicians as a positive thing.
Defied in the Camelot review, as Diva finds too easy to use Monty Python and the Holy Grail clips... before being basically forced to use "GET ON WITH IT!".
Also, on the topic of Monty Python, Diva lampshades her reference to the Spanish Inquisition sketch in her Man of La Mancha review in a similar manner.
Oh, My Gods!: “Sweet Lucifer!” and "Lilith's Teats!"
Oh, No... Not Again!: During her review of Cinderella (2021), Diva's criticism at the type of characters James Corden tends to play is opened with the sin card describing his appearance as "Fuck, it's James Corden again".
Diva gives Paint Your Wagon a Saving Grace for Harve Presnell's performance of the number, They Call the Wind Mariah, which is the only significant thing that his character, Rotten Luck Willie, does in the film. She still considers him the best singer and actor in the entire film thanks to that one number.
In Saturday's Warrior, Diva considers a random woman who walks away from Elders Wally and Harold while claiming she doesn't speak English the best character in the whole movie.
The One Thing I Don't Hate About You: If she sees something exceptionally good about a musical she's reviewing, she'll list it as a "Saving Grace."
In her Xanadu review, she praises Gene Kelly's performance and wishes his character had been the protagonist.
She praises the animation in The Thief and the Cobbler, saying it's some of the best-looking cel animation ever. That said, she also criticizes some of the sequences, saying that their excellent animation doesn't make up for the fact that they don't go anywhere.
Diva points out in her review of The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas that the film treats the two leads getting married as a happy ending, despite the fact that the Chicken Ranch Girls are now out of their jobs and the powerful men who utilized their "services" and then turned against them got off scot-free.
Similarly, she notes in Love Never Dies that the only character to get a happy ending is the Phantom, who arguably deserves it the least of anyone.
We can tell something is wrong with Diva from the very opening seconds of the review of Sci-Fi High: The Musical when her usual "Greetings, mortals!" opening speech sounds much more harried than haughty. Sure enough, she breaks off halfway through with "I'm Diva, your judge, jury, and run, run while you still can!"
The normally cheerful and peppy Donna gets genuinely angry during Saturday's Warrior, flying into a rage over Pam’s character and fate.
She also becomes moved to tears in the Grand Finale, as she apologizes and pleads to be given a second chance and redemption.
Overly Long Name: “Diva” is a pseudonym; her true name is apparently two hundred and sixty-seven syllables long.
Padding: invoked Expect Diva to sin a movie if it stretches out its runtime beyond a tolerable level. Doctor Dolittle and Camelot are two films sinned for this reason.
Painful Rhyme: In her review of Jekyll & Hyde, she complains about a song trying to rhyme "hard" and "facade".
As seen in her commentaries, the Truck Driver's Gear Change grates on her, as it draws out songs that are already too long and not good enough on their own merits to warrant it.
Diva points out in Thumbelina that Hans Christian Andersen's habit of writing these is why his stories are difficult to translate into filminvoked. As with Andersen's literary protagonists, the film's Thumbelina spends the story having things happen to her and whining about her predicaments.
Diva sins Dick Deadeye for keeping its title character on the sidelines, rather than having him do anything plot progressive.
Place Worse Than Death: In her Babes in Toyland 1986 Made-for-TV Movie review, Diva reacts to the characters' fanatical pride in their hometown of Cincinnati (expressed in song form) by referring to "the general awfulness that is Ohio" as she begins recapping the plot. As for Cincinnati, when the song is reprised and Lisa's hometown pride counters Barnaby's magic, Diva asks, "Have you ever actually been there?" and cues an unflattering picture of an inner-city street as she adds the scene to the film's sin count. As one of the film's punishments, "for singing the praises of a very un-praiseworthy city", she condemns the late Leslie Bricusse (who composed the new songs for the adaptation) to an extended stay there.
Platonic Writing, Romantic Reading: invokedA Troll in Central Park is sinned for this. While Stanley's relationship with Rosie is meant to be innocent and platonic, his response to being kissed by her uses a lot of traditionally romantically-coded imagery and dialogue... which makes things incredibly disturbing, since Stanley is a grown man (well, grown troll) and Rosie is a toddler.
Plot Twist: Each plot twist, no matter how sudden or forced it is, is highlighted with a clip of the Shyamalan Expy exclaiming "What a twist!" from Robot Chicken.
Prolonged Prologue: Diva awards Love Never Dies its first sin for devoting its first fifteen minutes, first to the Phantom's wangsting (with what she considers the score's best song, Till I Hear You Sing), and then to its lengthy establishment of his Amusement Park of Doom, only after which does any plot relevant action begin.
Politically Correct History: In the Lisztomania review, Diva points out how the film portrays Franz Liszt as having far more enlightened opinions on Jews than a devout Catholic in the 1800s could be reasonably expected to have, in contrast to his protege-turned-son-in-law-turned-nemesis Richard Wagner, who is depicted as not only the film's Big Bad but a literal Nazi, despite Nazism not existing yet at the point in time the movie is set.
Diva is ultimately just a demonic bureaucrat doing her job. As Christi explains, she based the entire personality of Diva on that of the literal Punch Clock Villain of Ralph Wolf from the "Ralph Wolf and Sam Sheepdog" fame.
Complains in her Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band review that no realistic villain would consider themselves evil, apart from demons but it's their job.
Diva points out Lucille Ball's performance in the title role of Mame as one of the most notorious cases of miscasting in history. Among her issues, she cites Ball's unenthusiastic singing voice, "phoned-in" Lucy shtick, and the egregious soft-focus on her closeups to disguise her age. Overall, her Mame comes across as an irritating and annoying eccentric, rather than a lovable one.
Diva is unimpressed with either lead of The Phantom of the Opera, Emmy Rossum and Gerard Butler. She points out that Rossum's singing voice, while fine, falls painfully short of being the great singing prodigy Christine is supposed to be. Her Dull Surprise acting doesn't help either. Meanwhile, Butler's singing voice as The Phantom ranks among the worst vocal performances Diva's ever heard, while the film emphasizing his sexiness detracts from his intriguing nature.
Diva sins Lesley-Anne Downe's performance as Anne A Little Night Music, pointing out that she comes across as too smart to play an ingenue like Anne.
Diva sins the 2003 TV movie version of The Music Man for casting Matthew Broderick as Harold Hill, pointing out that he doesn't have the energy or singing voice for the role.
Lee Marvin and Clint Eastwood are cited as the first two sins, in that order, of Paint Your Wagon. For the former, Diva admits that his voice suits the role of an old mountain man, but it's not a voice most might want to hear for long. For the latter, Diva feels that he's not comfortable playing the nice guy of the pair. Overall, their singing falls short of the score and comes off as flat.
Diva agrees with Drew Carey that he was miscast as the titular Geppetto, noting that his snarky comic persona is better off as Marcellus Washburn or Pseudolus rather than a sentimental character like Geppetto and that he is clearly uncomfortable in the role.
Diva takes issue with Camelot's three leads, Richard Harris, Vanessa Redgrave and Franco Nero. Harris's timber as Arthur is pleasant, but his random tonal shifts during his songs and dramatic scenes is quite jarring. Meanwhile, Redgrave's singing as Guinevere is too sedate and underpitch to sell her as a naïve romantic, especially in her first scene. Finally, Nero, whose singing was dubbed, fails to present Lancelot as a braggart with his stiff performance. This is problematic as it sterilizes the building animosity between Lancelot and the other Knights that explodes when Mordred enters the picture later on (plus, it bemuses Diva that Lancelot and Guinevere show none of the chemistry which translated off-set between Nero and Redgrave).
Diva sins Diana Ross' performance as Dorothy in The Wiz, noting that while Dorothy was aged to an adult schoolteacher to accommodate Ross's casting, her behavior was not, which makes Dorothy much more irritating as a result.
While Diva is forgiving of Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street as a whole, she takes issue with Helena Bonham Carter as Mrs. Lovett, feeling her subdued performance lacks the character's sinister edge. In particular, this makes the "A Little Priest" number, in which she and Sweeney plot their meat pie business, fall flat.
Diva: Come on, woman! You need to go all Belatrix Lestrange on this number!
Diva gets a few sins out of this in Peter Pan Live! Her first sin for the film is its eschewing the Acting for Two tradition for Captain Hook and Mr. Darling, feeling that Christian Borle, who played Mr. Darling, would've made a far better Hook than Christopher Walken, whose flat performance earns another sin. She also points out that Alison Williams, as Peter himself, is "too sophisticated and introspective" for someone that's supposed to be "thoughtless, arrogant, and self-centered".
Diva has mixed feelings over the casting of "the diminutive, cherubic" Paul Williams as Swan in Phantom of the Paradise. She admits that Williams does make Swan into a manipulative and sinister Tragic Villain, but also says one can't forget they're looking at a "human Muppet" and composer of several of their songs.
Diva: Oh, there goes my last lingering shred of confidence in the film.
Rex Harrison as the title Doctor in Doctor Dolittle leads off Diva's sin count. She points out that his performance is a retread of Henry Higgins, which makes the Doctor much more of a Jerkass than the film intended. That's before Diva notes Harrison's real-life Prima Donna attitude during the production.
Glenn Close as Nellie in South Pacific also leads off Diva's sin count. She notes that Close is too old for the role, especially when lyrics describing Nellie's youthful age are intact, and it's impossible to make her look anything other than poised and sophisticated. As Nellie and Emile are now similar in age, and again, the lyrics are intact, the writers blunt their romantic arc. Speaking of Emile, Diva is also underwhelmed by his actor, Rade Sherbediga's tepid acting and flat singing.note For those curious, Mitzi Gaynor and Rossano Brazzi from the 1958 film had a 15 year age difference. Close and Sherbediga have an age difference of one year.
Diva notes her bewilderment at Country Strong casting country music legend Tim McGraw as the only one of the four lead characters who does not sing.
Diva explains that Maddie Ziegler's casting as the title character in Music is the latest entry into Hollywood's long tradition of casting non-disabled actors as Inspirationally Disadvantaged characters in Oscar Bait films. As such, the very neurotypical Ziegler's performance as the high-support autistic character comes across as a mocking imitation of autistic people rather than true representation. Diva does not blame Ziegler herself, who reportedly hated playing the role and cried with guilt over how harmful it was, but rather director Sia for her seeming refusal to even consider hiring an autistic actress for the part.
Diva sins Mr. Quilp for casting Anthony Newley as its title character, noting that his song-and-dance man persona is far better suited for Dick Swiveler than the vile villain Quilp is supposed to be. She compares his casting to if Tommy Tune played Humbert Humbert.
James Corden as one of the mice in Cinderella (2021) earns it a sin just for his presence alone. To the point, Diva finds him better suited as the Straight Man, and him playing the wacky man, as he does here, comes across as forced and insufferable.
Diva: Stupid high and mighty mortal, don't know where she gets off with her cheap editing software and her Jeopardy! money...
Random Events Plot: She sins Sextette for having a plot with, in her words, "a series of scenes barging through one after the other with no sense of coherency."
Really 700 Years Old: According to the intro to Rock of Ages, Diva is a "child of the '80s...well, 2080s...BC...it's close enough."
Reassigned to Antarctica: According to the Musical Hell site, Diva isn't sure if reviewing bad musicals is their punishment or hers.
Record Needle Scratch: Heard as Diva's attempt at watching the original The Music Man changes to the 2002 ABC remake ("OK, who is messing with my video files again?").
Village People: You can't stop the music! Caption: Challenge Accepted.
Diva finds this line from Yao in Mulan II after witnessing Shang's out-of-character and Off-Model blowup a perfect response to the invokedCharacter Derailment in that film:
Yao: What's with him? Sin Card: Good question, Yao.
Ron the Death Eater: Diva discusses the trope and its origins in Love Never Dies as she rips the plot for doing this to Raoul just to get Christine and the Phantom together. She points out that if you have to demonize the canon love interest to make your preferred couple happen, you're more or less admitting they wouldn't work on their own terms—if Raoul has to be warped into a cartoonishly awful abusive alcoholic to make the Phantom seem like a good choice by comparison, then the Phantom actually isn't a good choice!
Rule of Seven: As Christi notes in one of her commentaries, Diva usually tries to note seven sins per film, appropriately enough. However, films may rack up more sins, with particularlyabominableworks earning as many as ten. Music (2021) is the first (and so far only) offender to rack up eleven sins.
The review of From Justin to Kelly has Diva wrongly assuming the movie's over, only to be corrected by her bailiff.
In multiple episodes, Diva introduces a musical number from the case under examination by saying the characters explain a point of the story or their own personas...
Diva's summaries of particularly bizarre or needlessly convoluted plot points are often followed by a clip of Spaceballs' Dark Helmet turning to the camera (by way of lampshading a similarly laboured explanation in the source material) and exclaiming, "Everybody got that!?... Good!"
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not living up to its Christian message.
which translated off-set between Nero and Redgrave).