As with many British comedies, and pretty much anything Rowan Atkinson is involved in, Blackadder has had its share of funny moments.
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The Black Adder
Virtually everything BRIAN BLESSED does in this series is hilarious. One example from "Born to Be King": "As the Lord said, love thy neighbour as thyself, unless he's Turkish, in which case kill the bastard! HAHAHA!"
"Chiswick! Fresh horses!"
Episode 1: The Foretelling
Edmund's reaction after realizing the man he's just killed is King Richard. What really sells it is his expression.
The entire conversation about faulty relics. This isn't very far-removed from the truth about the Catholic Church at the time - some jokes from around Martin Luther's era were that John the Baptist was a nine-headed monster, Paul must have constantly regrown fingers, or of how there were enough splinters from the one true cross to build an ark, and enough blood from Jesus and milk from Mary to float it on.
Episode 4: The Queen of Spain's Beard
Percy's attempt to compare the (as yet unseen) Infanta Maria's beauty to that of the blue Stone of Galveston falls flat. "So what you're telling me, Percy, is that something you have never seen is slightly less blue than something else you have never seen."
Immediately followed by Edmund's none too auspicious first meeting with the short, overweight Infanta (Miriam Margolyes) and her interpreterDon Speekingleesh (Jim Broadbent):
[a trumpet fanfare announces the arrival of the Infanta and her interpreter, but Edmund has his back turned to the door and does not see them] Edmund: Percy, in the end, you are about as much use to me as a hole in the head. [the Infanta is clearly smitten at first sight; she and Speekingleesh walk up behind the oblivious Edmund] An affliction with which you must be familiar, having never actually had a brain! Speekingleesh: Hello! Edmund:[turning just far enough to see Speekingleesh but not the Infanta] Hello. [turning back to Percy; Baldrick silently tries to get his attention] Here I am, awaiting the arrival of the most beautiful, ravishing- Speekingleesh:[more insistent] Hello! Edmund:[still only noticing Speekingleesh] Look, leave me alone, will you, I'm trying to talk to someone! [to Percy] -while you're wittering on like some pox-ridden moor hen- Infanta:[under Edmund's line]Estas el verdadero amor de mi vida, amor mio, amor mio! Speekingleesh: "You are the true love of my life, my love, my love!" Edmund:[still not seeing the Infanta] ...what!? [back to Percy] Percy, is this a friend of yours? Someone you dragged in- Infanta:[insistent Spanish under Edmund's line] Speekingleesh: "You are the only one for me, I merely want to hug and kiss you!" [Edmund punches him in the face] Oh! Infanta:Yo soy la Infanta! Speekingleesh: "No, I am the Infanta!" Edmund: What? Well, no-one told me you had a beard! Percy:[laughing] Must be Jeremy of Estonia! Edmund:[laughing] Yes, the very- Infanta:[finally jumping in front of Edmund]Yo soy la Infanta! Edmund: Yes, well, absolutely- [does a MASSIVE double take] WAGHH!! [jumps into Percy's arms]
With Edmund desperate to get out of his arranged marriage to the Infanta, Baldrick suggests that he pretend to be homosexual. When Edmund struggles to get into character, Baldrick leaves the room to fetch a more elaborate costume, leaving Edmund alone with Percy.
Edmund: Oh, Percy... Percy, what am I going to do? Percy: Well, perhaps we could try and strike up a conversation. [affects a camp pose and an even camper voice] Hello there! Edmund:[attempts a camp voice] Er... hello. How are you? Percy:[camp] I'm fine. Have you heard? Prince Edmund's going to marry the Spanish Infanta! Edmund:[breaking character] No he damn well isn't! [grabs Percy by the neck] And anyone who says otherwise is going to get their head pulled off! Do you hear me!? [he drags Percy to the ground; Baldrick returns to find what looks like Edmund trying to mount Percy from behind while strangling him] Baldrick:[brightly] Yes, that's the kind of thing!
When the above scheme fails, and an attempt to marry Edmund off to a local peasant girl falls apart when her irate husband interrupts the wedding, Edmund comes up with the idea to prove the Infanta is not a virgin by sending a terrified Baldrick in to seduce her (or, rather, be seduced by her). When he enters her darkened bedchamber, we can only hear the Infanta's passionate declarations of love and Baldrick's cries of terror... and Speekingleesh's deadpan translations of both of them.
The following day at the wedding, Baldrick is covered in bruises.
Richard IV: What—have the Swiss and French made sudden peace with each other at a mountain-pass rendezvous, then forged a clandestine alliance with Spain, thus leaving us without friends in Europe, unless by chance we make an immediate pact with Hungary?
Messenger:(reads scroll) ...Yes.
Episode 5: Witchsmeller Pursuivant
The hilariously over the top eponymous Witchsmeller Pursuivant, as played by Frank Finlay. When you're out-hamming BRIAN BLESSED, you're doing it right.
The trial Edmund finds himself in, with damn near everything coming from Witchsmeller Pursuivant's mouth as gold; to paraphrase a few excerpts:
"You have a pet cat, yes? And his name is Bubbles. OR, to call him by his full name... BEELZEBUBBLES! "You had no blood, so you had to make due with JUST MILK!" "Any God-fearing Christian would know that carrots are the favorite food of the devil!" "And how would YOU come to know so much about carrots, hmmmm?" "Black Satin, is it true that on last Gareth's tide, you indulged in frenzied Satanic orgies with your master!?" "Silence, Grumbledook!" "He may think he can fool us, but we have ways ofmaking him talk!" "I give you, JOHN GRUMBLEDOOK! (holds up a small dog)" "A cat that drinks blood, a horse that talks, and a man who propagatespoodles!"
Episode 6: The Black Seal
Edmund telling Percy exactly why he's being fired, finally showing some of the wit his descendants will be known for.
Edmund: Because, Percy, far from being a fit consort for a prince of the realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly. And the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a furry cod-piece, you might just get by as a fool, but since you wouldn't know a joke if it got up and gave you a haircut, I doubt it. That is why you are dismissed. Percy: Oh, I see. Edmund: And as for you, Baldrick... Baldrick: My Lord? Edmund: You're out too. Baldrick: ... fair enough.
Episode 1: Bells
Blackadder has a new manservant who's actually a girl in disguise. She and Blackadder take an instant liking to each other, to the point that she temporarily forgets that she's disguised as a boy:
Blackadder: Well, young man, you've got yourself a job. What do they call you?
Kate: (staring at him adoringly) Kate.
Blackadder: ...Isn't that a bit of a...girl's name?
Blackadder fires Baldrick, who begs to be allowed to stay because he's got nowhere else to go. Blackadder puts a fatherly arm around him and says in a kind voice "But surely you'll be allowed to starve to death in one of the royal parks?" Eventually it's agreed that Baldrick will stay and work even harder for nothing, and Baldrick goes off with a grateful "God bless you, sweet master!" This is especially funny when you know that Baldrick's actor Tony Robinson is very, very left-wing.
Flashheart's reaction to Baldrick the bridesmaid: "Hey bridesmaid, love the beard! Gives me something to HANG onto!!"
After Blackadder's bride-to-be has run off with Flashheart:
Melchett: Of course it's customary on these occasions for the groom to marry the bridesmaid. I presume you intend to honour this? Baldrick: I do.
Percy announces his love for Jane Harrington:
Blackadder: Jane "Bury Me in a Y-Shaped Coffin" Harrington? Percy: I think there may be two Jane Harringtons — Blackadder: No, no... Tall, blonde, elegant? Percy: Yes, that's her. Blackadder: Goes like a privy door when the plague's in town? Come on, get on with your shot. (Percy tries to line up an archery shot) You'll get over her. (Percy tries to line up his shot again) I did. (Percy tries once more to line up his shot) So did Baldrick, actually. (Percy shoots the arrow into Baldrick's groin)
Blackadder negotiates his way past the Wise Woman's receptionist:
Blackadder: Right Baldrick, let's try again shall we? This is called adding. If I have two beans, and then I add two more beans, what do I have? Baldrick: Some beans. Blackadder:(pause) Yes...and no. Let's try again shall we? I have two beans, then I add two more beans. What does that make? Baldrick: A very small casserole. Blackadder: Baldrick, the ape creatures of the Indus have mastered this. Now try again. One, two, three, four. So how many are there? Baldrick: Three. Blackadder: What? Baldrick: And that one. Blackadder: Three and that one. So if I add that one to the three what will I have? Baldrick: Oh! Some beans. Blackadder: Yes. To you Baldrick, the Renaissance was just something that happened to other people, wasn't it?
Having executed Lady Farrow's husband too early when she comes to see him, they decide to pretend Blackadder is him, with his face concealed by a bag over his head. The way Blackadder prepares Lady Farrow for this sight:
Blackadder: Though I should warn you that he...he will not be quite as you knew him.
Lady Farrow: You fiend! What have you done to him?
Rum: Courtiers to the Queen; you're nothing by lapdogs to a slip of a girl. Blackadder: Well, better a lapdog to a slip of a girl than a... git!
Not to mention the whole "You have a woman's (whatever) my lord!" scene. Particularly this exchange:
Rum: You have a woman's legs! I'd wager those pretty legs have never been cut off by a fallen sail, and then swept out to sea before your very eyes! Blackadder:(disdainful) Well, neither have yours! Rum:THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG!!(flips table, revealing his stumps of legs) Blackadder:(PAINED expression) Oh my God...
Episode 4: Money
Percy's attempts to unlock the secrets of alchemy.
Percy:My lord! Success! Blackadder: What? Percy: After literally an hour's ceaseless searching, I have succeeded in creating gold! Pure gold! Blackadder: Are you sure? Percy: Yes, my lord! (opening the lid of a small metal box, in awed tones) Behold! Blackadder: Percy... it's green. Percy: That's right, my lord. Blackadder: Yes, Percy, I don't want to be pedantic or anything, but the colour of gold, is gold. That's why it's called gold. What you have discovered, if it has a name, is some... green. Percy:(still in awe) Oh, Edmund! Can it be true? That I hold here, in my mortal hand, a nugget of purest green?! Blackadder: Indeed you do, Percy, except it's not really a nugget, is it, it's more of a splat. Percy: Well, yes, a splat today, but tomorrow, who knows...or dares to dream... (he looks towards the sky; Baldrick begins operating a set of bellows) Blackadder: So we three alone, in all the world, can create the finest green at will. Percy: Just so! (sotto voce) I'm not sure about counting in Baldrick, actually. Blackadder: Of course, you know what your great discovery means, don't you Percy? Percy: Perhaps, my lord! Blackadder: That you, Percy, Lord Percy, are an utter berk!(Percy cheers, then realises what Blackadder just said)
Blackadder decides to sell his house to pay off his debt to the Baby-Eating Bishop of Bath and Wells.
"Baldrick, go forth into the street and let it be known that Lord Blackadder wishes to sell his house. Percy... just go forth into the street."
Eventually, he finds prospective buyers in Mr. and Mrs. Pants:
Mrs. Pants: What about the privies? Blackadder: When the master craftsman who created this home was looking into sewage, he said to himself, "Romeo" - for 'twas his name - "Romeo, let's make 'em functional and comfortable!" Mr. Pants:(chuckling) Ah well, that seems nice, doesn't it dear? Blackadder: I think we understand each other, sir! So, sold then. Drink? Mrs. Pants: What - about - the privies!? Blackadder:(impatiently) Well, what we're talking about in, um... privy terms, is the very latest in front wall, fresh air orifices, combined with a wide capacity gutter installation below! Mrs. Pants: ... you mean you crap out of the window!? Blackadder:Yes! Mrs. Pants:Well! In that case... we'll definitely take it! I can't stand those dirty indoor things...
Blackadder finally squares his debt to the church with a bit of creative framing and blackmail.
Bishop: You fiend! Never have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the Church? Blackadder: No, I could never get used to the underwear.
Episode 5: Beer
Blackadder: Get the door, Baldrick. (Blackadder sits down) CRASH! Blackadder:(seeing Baldrick coming back carrying the door) Baldrick, I would advise you to make the explanation you're about to give phenomenally good. Baldrick: You said "get the door". Blackadder: Not good enough. You're fired. Baldrick: But my lord, I've been in your family since 1532! Blackadder:So has syphilis; now get out.
The "Great Booze-Up" monologue:
Lady Whiteadder: Then can you explain what he meant by "great booze-up"? Blackadder:(very long pause) Yes, I can. My friend is a missionary and on his last visit abroad brought back with him the chief of a famous tribe. His name is Great Boo. He's been suffering from sleeping sickness and he's obviously just woken because as you've heard, Great Boo's up.
When Blackadder suggests guests for his booze-up.
Blackadder: First - Simon Partridge.
Percy: Oh, not Farters Parters! Also known as Mr Ostrich!?
Blackadder: Even he.
Percy: But he's a fearful oik!
Hugh Laurie's wonderful innuendo moments.
"Trick! Well that sounds a bit rude, doesn't it? That sounds a bit like... bum!
"Bum! Wa-hey! That sounds a bit like bum!"
"WA-HEY! 'Holding my own'! Now that sounds INCREDIBLY RUDE!"
When Blackadder has had one glass of cider and walks into the room absolutely battered.
Lady Whiteadder: Edmund! Explain yourself!
Blackadder: I can't. Not just like that. I'm a complicated man you see, Aunty. Sometimes I'm nice, and sometimes I'm nasty... ee hee hee! And sometimes, I just like to sing little songs, like... see the little goblin...
According to Lady Whiteadder, "Cold is God's way of telling us to burn more Catholics!"
Lady Whiteadder rejects chairs as an invention of Satan: "In our house, Nathaniel sits on a spike!... I sit on Nathaniel; two spikes would be an extravagance!"
At the beginning of the episode, Queenie tells Blackadder she was woken by "a terrific banging" from Lord Melchett ("Well, I never knew he had it in him!", says Blackadder), and that "He was banging on the castle gates and falling over, and singing a very strange song about a girl who possessed something called a 'dickie-die-do'?"note A reference to a real drinking song. The verse in question (one of the tamer in the song): "It took a coal miner, / To find her vagina, / For the hairs on her dickie-di-do hung down to her knees."
The final scene, showing the morning after Blackadder's drunken party. All of the guests, plus Percy, Baldrick, the Queen, and Lord Whiteadder are seen in various states of intoxication. And then one final drunken guest appears:
Queenie: Er, wait a minute, I'm sure there was something very important I had to do to all of you this morning. (everyone, Queenie included, laughs at the Accidental Innuendo) Melchett: I remember something about ten thousand florins, was it? Or... Lord Whiteadder: I think it was something about an inheritance. Blackadder: Look, do you want to hear about this goblin or not!? All: Yes! Blackadder: Right! Well, perhaps this time I might be allowed to continue, and perhaps finish, with any luck. Lady Whiteadder:(appearing from under Queenie's skirt) Luck! Ha ha ha! Wehey! Get it? All: No? Lady Whiteadder: Oh come on, luck! Sounds almost exactly like fu- [cut to credits]
Episode 6: Chains
Elizabeth: Lord Percy? Percy: Yes? Elizabeth: It's up to you: either you can shut up, or you can have your head cut off. Percy gives this ultimatum painful and lengthy consideration. Percy: I'll... shut up.
The scene leading up to this, when Elizabeth mentions how Edmund and Melchett "simply vanished". Percy replies "Like an old oak table." In a rare moment of lucidity, Elizabeth thinks about this before replying "'Vanished', Lord Percy, not 'Varnished.'" Percy then explains how his Uncle Bertram's oak table simply vanished, along with his house, his other things and himself. Coincidentally, this was the night of the great Stepney Fire. "It was a most perplexing mystery."
The long exchange between the Spanish torturer (who doesn't speak English) and Blackadder (who doesn't speak Spanish) in which Blackadder is told that he will have his testicles removed "with a blunt instrument... resembling some kind of gardening tool but we can't quite... um..." if he confesses that he loves Satan, and be given the same torture - after being held upside-down in warm marmalade - if he doesn't confess. He confesses, leading the torturer to produce the gardening tool...
Blackadder: Oh, it's a scythe...
The opening scene of the episode:
Blackadder:(addressing Melchett and the Queen)Get out! Get out, libidinous swine! And take that horse-slut painted strumpet with you, where you'll both rot in the filth of your own fornication! Queen:(pause) And what did you say to him? Blackadder: Say, Madam? I said nothing. I simply pulled up my tights and jumped out the privy window.
"I accept nothing from a man who imprisons his guests in a commode."
Mr. Speaker, Members of the House, I shall be brief, as I have rather unfortunately become Prime Minister right in the middle of my exams. I intend to fulfill my duties in a manner of which Nanny would be proud...
Blackadder and the Prince discuss how to defeat the motion to strike the latter from the Civil List and therefore avert financial disaster. Blackadder describes Sir Talbot Buxomly, a crusty, loud-mouthed MP whose vote they will sway. George says he's never heard of the man. Blackadder replies:
That's hardly surprising sir. Sir Talbot has the worst attendance record of any Member of Parliament. On the one occasion he did enter the House of Commons, he passed water in the great hall, and then passed out in the Speaker's chair.
The conversation turns to the question of bribing Sir Talbot:
Blackadder: If we're going to get him to support us, he will need some sort of incentive. George: Hm. Anything in mind? Blackadder: Well, you could appoint him a high court judge. George: Is he qualified? Blackadder: He's a violent, bigoted, mindless old fool. George: Sounds a bit over-qualified.
The absolutely sublime "rotten borough" exchange between Blackadder and George that starts at 1:00 here.
The actual Dunny-on-the-Wold by-election is presented as a parody of modern election broadcasts, with political commentator Vincent Hanna appearing as "his own ancestor". Hanna's utterly deadpan delivery of the absurd lines is a goldmine of hilarity.
Delivering the exit poll results:
Vincent Hanna: The first thing I must tell you is that the turnout has been very good. As a matter of fact, the voter turned out before breakfast. And I can bring you the result of our exclusive exit poll, which produced a 100 percent result for "Mind your own business, you nosy bastard".
Interviewing Baldrick (through Blackadder) before the results are read:
Vincent Hanna: And now let's have a word from the Adder Party candidate, Mr. S. Baldrick (who enters with a turnip stuffed in his mouth accompanied by Blackadder) who so far has not commented on his policies in this campaign, but with him is his election agent, Mr. E. Blackadder. Blackadder: Well, we in the Adder Party are going to fight this campaign on issues, not personalities. Hanna: Why is that? Blackadder: Because our candidate doesn't have a personality. Hanna: He doesn't say much about the issues, either. Blackadder: No, he's got something wrong with his throat. Hanna: Well, perhaps he could answer one question: what does the "S" in his name stand for? Blackadder: "Sod off". (leaves with Baldrick) Hanna: ... fair enough, er, none of my business really.
Interviewing defeated candidates after the results are read by Acting Returning Officer Blackadder (the original Returning Officer having accidentally stabbed himself in the stomach whilst shaving):
Vincent Hanna: Master William Pitt the Even Younger, are you disappointed? Pitt the Even Younger(a schoolboy): Yes, I'm horrified! I smeared my opponent, bribed the press to be on our side, and threatened to torture the electorate if we lost! I fail to see what more a decent politician could have done! (stomps off angrily) Hanna: ... quite. Now, Ivor Biggun, no votes at all for the Standing at the Back Dressed Stupidly and Looking Stupid Party, are you disappointed? Biggun:(jovially) Ah, no, not really, no, I always say, "If you can't laugh, what can you do?" (laughs and squirts Hanna with a trick flower in his buttonhole) Hanna:(unfazed) Take up politics, perhaps. Has your party got any policies? Biggun: Oh yes, certainly! We're for the compulsory serving of asparagus at breakfast, free corsets for the under 5s, and the abolition of slavery! Hanna: Now, you see, many moderate people would respect your stand on asparagus, but what's all this extremist nonsense about the abolition of slavery? Biggun: Oh, we just put that in for a joke! See you next year!
George makes Baldrick a lord. Repeat after me: Lord Sod-Off Baldrick.
After everything's gone wrong, Blackadder attempts to reclaim £400,000 from Baldrick.
Blackadder: (smacking Baldrick's head against a table) Get me the bloody money, Baldrick, or you're dead! Baldrick: Get me the bloody money, Baldrick, or you're dead my lord. Blackadder: (smacks Baldrick's head into the table again) Just do it. Otherwise I shall ennoble you further by knighting you rather clumsily with this meat cleaver. Baldrick: I haven't got it. Blackadder: What. Baldrick: I spent it. Blackadder: You spent it? What could you possibly spend four hundred thousand pounds on? (Baldrick looks at a large turnip on the table) Oh no. Oh God, don't tell me. Baldrick: My dream turnip. Blackadder: (giving Baldrick a Death Glare) Baldrick, how did you manage to find a turnip that cost four hundred thousand pounds? Baldrick: Well, I had to haggle. (Blackadder stares at him for a second, then picks up the turnip and smacks it down on his head)
Episode 2: Ink and Incapability
Blackadder has some Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness with Dr. Johnsonnote The Fridge Brilliance about these words is that even though they're invented, they all mean something appropriate. "contrafibularatories" derives from "contra-", Latin for "against", and "fibula", the calf-bone - Blackadder is pulling Johnson's leg. "Anaspeptic" comes from Greek "ana-", ("back/up"), and "peptic", meaning the stomach - so "anaspeptic" suggests "upchuck". "Phrasmotic" suggests a combination of "frazzled" and "spasmodic". "Compunctuous" is a misspelling of "compunctious", derived from "compunction", a real word meaning the feeling of uneasiness caused by guilt. "Periconbobulation" combines the Greek "peri-", "around", with "discombobulate", meaning "to confuse", appropriate since Blackadder is confusing Johnson from several different directions at once.:
Dr. Johnson: Here it is, sir: the very cornerstone of English scholarship. This book, sir, contains every word in our beloved language. George: Hmm. Blackadder: Every single one, sir? Dr. Johnson: [confidently] Every single word, sir! Blackadder: [to Prince] Oh, well, in that case, sir, I hope you will not object if I also offer the Doctor my most enthusiastic contrafibularatories. Dr. Johnson: [sharply] What? Blackadder: `Contrafibularatories', sir. It is a common word down our way. Dr. Johnson: Damn! [grabs book and writes in it] Blackadder: [smiling blandly] Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I'm anaspeptic...phrasmotic...even compunctuous to have caused you such periconbobulations. Dr. Johnson: What? What? WHAT? George: What are you on about, Blackadder? This is all beginning to sound a bit like dago talk to me. Blackadder: I'm sorry, sir. I merely wished to congratulate the Doctor on not having left out a single word. Shall I fetch the tea, Your Highness? George: Yes, yes, and get that damned fire up here, will you? Blackadder: Certainly, sir. I shall return...interphrastically. [Exits]
Upon learning that Baldrick has thrown Dr Johnson's manuscript for the dictionary on fire:
Blackadder: We are going to go to Mrs Miggins', we are going to find where Dr Johnson keeps a copy of that dictionary, and then you are going to steal it. Baldrick: Me? Blackadder: Yes, you. Baldrick: Why me? Blackadder: Because you burnt it. Baldrick: But then I'll go to Hell forever for stealing. Blackadder: Baldrick, believe me; eternity in the company of Beelzebub and all his hellish instruments of death will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me and this pencil if we can't replace this dictionary.
When Baldrick proposes that he has a cunning plan to replace the apparently burnt dictionary, Blackadder shoots it down thus:
I wouldn't get over-excited, sir. I've a hard suspicion that Baldrick's plan will be the stupidest thing we've heard, since Lord Nelson's famous signal at the Battle of the Nile... "England knows Lady Hamilton is a virgin; poke my eye out and cut off my arm if I am wrong."note Nelson lost his right arm and one of his eyes over his naval career; Lady Hamilton was his mistress.
Afterwards, as Blackadder sits down to begin rewriting the dictionary, Prince George and Baldrick both offer to help. Blackadder turns them down with:
It's very kind of you both, but I fear your services might be as useful as a barbershop on the steps of the guillotine.note Actually very useful; cutting or pinning the hair of the condemned so it won't get in the way was an important part of an execution by beheading. Obviously not too useful to the condemned person, of course.
Near the end, when it emerges that Baldrick did not accidentally burn the manuscript of Samuel Johnson's dictionary, Blackadder reveals himself as Gertrude Perkins, the author of Edmund: A Butler's Tale, a novel which he spent seven years writing and which Dr. Johnson considers the only book superior to his dictionary. He asks Baldrick to fetch the manuscript to prove his authorship:
Blackadder: Baldrick, fetch my novel. Baldrick: Your novel? Blackadder: Yes, Baldrick, the big papery thing tied up with string. Baldrick: What, like the thing we burnt? Blackadder: Exactly like the thing we burnt. Baldrick: So you're asking for the big papery thing tied up with string exactly like the thing we burnt. Blackadder: Exactly. Baldrick: ... we burnt it. Blackadder: ... [eerily calm] So we did. Well done, Baldrick. Seven years of my life, up in smoke. Your Highness, would you excuse me a moment? Prince: By all means. [the still calm Blackadder exits the room and closes the door behind him] Blackadder:OH GOD, NO!! [he opens the door and re-enters, once again calm as can be] Blackadder: Thank you, sir.
Episode 3: Nob and Nobility
The sequence when the Prince has trouble putting on his trousers by himself.
(crashing sound from upstairs) Baldrick: What d'you think that is? Blackadder: Well, if I was feeling malicious, I'd say it was the Prince still trying to put his trousers on after a week. (cut to the Prince staggering out of his bedroom with his trousers over his head and one arm; he turns and bumps into the door frame)
When the "party" at the French Embassy turns out to be less cheerful than it was supposed to:
Lord Frou-Frou: Don't worry, in a moment we will hear the sound of music and happy laughter! Cue Scare Chord and Evil Laugh.
Baldrick's cunning plan to escape the guillotine by waiting until their heads have been cut off before "springing into action":
Blackadder: Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words "I have a cunning plan" marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation? Baldrick: They certainly are, sir! Blackader: Well, forgive me if I don't do a cartwheel of joy. Your reputation in this department is hardly one-hundred percent. So, what is it? Baldrick: We do... nothing. Blackadder: (pause) Yep. That's another world-beater. Baldrick: No, wait. We do nothing... until our heads have actually been cut off. Blackadder: And then we... spring into action? Baldrick: Yeah! You know how when you cut a chicken's head off, it runs round and round the farmyard and then out the farm gate? Blackadder: (pause) Yeeeeees? Baldrick: Well, we wait until our heads have been cut off, then we run round and round the farmyard, out the gate and we escape. What do you think? Blackadder: (long pause) My opinion's rather hard to sum up in words. So I'll just put it this way (twists his nose)
Blackadder explains their only hope of escape:
Blackadder: Now, either you leave me alone to think up a plan or tomorrow we meet our maker; in my case God, in your case God-knows, but I'd be surprised if he's won any design awards.
Upon their successful return to the palace, Blackadder gives the prince a somewhat embellished account of his exploits:
Blackadder: We left London in good weather. Unfortunately, that was as far as our luck held; as soon as we left Dover harbour we were struck by a tidal wave, and I was forced to swim to Boulogne with the unconscious Baldrick tucked into my trousers. Then we were taken to Paris where I was summarily hung by the larger of my testicles from the walls of the Bastille. It was then I decided that I'd had enough. I escaped, killed the guards, rescued the count, and ran to the Versailles where I broke into Mr. Robespierre's bedroom, where I left a little tray of chocolates and an insulting note.
Episode 4: Sense and Senility
George has hired two actors (played as incredibly Large Hams by Hugh Paddick and Kenneth Connor) to teach him how to deliver an effective speech. After being instructed to stand with his feet spread as far apart as possible and his crotch thrust forward, and to open his speech with a ROAR, George finally delivers the speech for the first time:
George: (ahem) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH-unaccustomed as I am to formal speaking...
During the aforementioned instruction on an actor's stance, the following exchange takes place:
Keanrick: Oh yes, Your Highness. Why, your very posture tells me, "Here is a man of true greatness!" Blackadder: Either that, or "Here are my genitals, please kick them."
Blackadder making his way over to the actors.
Blackadder: Well, if I could just squeeze through this admiring rabble. [pushes through non-existent crowd] Gentlemen, I've come with a proposition. Mossop: How dare you, sir! You think, just because we're actors, we sleep with everyone! Blackadder: ... I think, being actors, you're lucky to sleep with anyone.
Baldrick discussing his family member who was an actor in a production of Macbeth. To be precise, 'Second Codpiece.' Used only in the fight scenes ("So he was a stunt codpiece?"). What makes the scene hilarious is when Blackadder absolutely deadpans the following conversation.
Blackadder: Did he have a large part? Long pause, including a cut back to Blackadder to show just how deadpan he is, then finally back to Baldrick. Baldrick: Depends who was playing Macbeth.
(Blackadder enters with the actors after having spent the previous scene ignoring their knocking at the door) Blackadder: You should have knocked. Keanrick: Our knocks, you impertinent butler, were loud enough to wake the hounds of Hell! (he and Mossop hand Blackadder their hats; Keanrick turns to Mossop) Lead on, Macduff. Mossop: I shall. (as the actors move to the next room, Blackadder drops their hats on the floor and kicks them through the door before closing it) Lest you continue in your quotation, and mention the name of the Scottish Play. Keanrick:(chuckles) Never fear, I shan't do that! Blackadder: By "the Scottish Play", I assume you mean Macbeth. Keanrick, Mossop: AHH! (they begin making pat-a-cake motions) Hot potato, orchestra stalls, Puck will make amends! (they finish by tweaking each other's noses) Ahh! Blackadder: ... what was that? Keanrick: We were exorcising evil spirits. Being but a mere butler, you will not know the great theatre tradition that one does never speak the name of the Scottish play. Blackadder: What, Macbeth? Keanrick, Mossop: AHH! (pat-a-cake motions) Hot potato, orchestra stalls, Puck will make amends! (tweak) Ahh! Blackadder: Good lord. You mean you have to do that every time I say "Macbeth"? Keanrick, Mossop: AHH! (pat-a-cake motions) Hot potato, orchestra stalls, Puck will make amends! (tweak) Ahh! Mossop: Will you please stop saying that!... Always call it "the Scottish Play"! Blackadder: So you want me to say "the Scottish Play". Keanrick, Mossop:YES! Blackadder: Rather than "Macbeth". Keanrick, Mossop: AHH! (pat-a-cake motions) Hot potato, orchestra stalls, Puck will make amends! (tweak) Ahh! Prince:(entering) I say, what is all this hullabaloo, all this shouting, and screaming, and yelling blue murder? (the actors bow deeply before him) Why, it was like that play we saw the other day, what was it called, er... Blackadder:Macbeth, sir? Keanrick, Mossop:(still bent over bowing) AHH! (pat-a-cake motions, but now side by side rather than facing each other) Hot potato, orchestra stalls, Puck will make amends! (this time, they tweak their own noses) Oooh! Prince:(motions the actors to stand up again) No no no, it was, it was called Julius Caesar. Blackadder: Oh yes, of course. Julius Caesar. (Beat) Not Macbeth. Keanrick, Mossop: AHH! (pat-a-cake motions) Hot potato, orchestra stalls, Puck will make amends! (tweak) Ahh!
After Baldrick and the Prince think the actors are going to kill them (actually reading lines from their play):
Blackadder: Are you sure they meant it, sir? George: Quite sure! Baldrick, how far apart were their legs? Baldrick: Oh, this far. (stands with feet at shoulder distance, thrusts out crotch) George: And their nipples? Baldrick: That far. (gestures with his hands)
The play itself. All of it.
Mossop: It is a piece we penned ourselves, called "The Bloody Murder of the Foul Prince Romero and His Enormous-Bosomed Wife". Blackadder:A philosophical work then. Keanrick: Indeed yes, sir. The violence of the murder and the vastness of the bosom are entirely justified artistically/ ... Mossop: Spring has come, with all its gentle showers. Methinks it's time to hack the Prince to death. ... Keanrick: Oooooaaahhh, let's kill the Prince. Who will strike first? Mossop: Let me, and let this dagger's point prick out his soft eyeball and sup with glee upon its exquisite jelly. Keanrick: Have you the stomach? Mossop: I have not killed him yet, sir, but when I do, I shall have the stomach and the liver, too, and the floppily-doppolies in their horrid glue. Keanrick: What if a servant shall hear us in our plotting? Mossop: Ah ha! Then shall we have servant sausages for tea! Keanrick: And servant rissoles shall our supper be! ... Mossop: To torture him, I lust. Let's singe his hair, and up his nostrils... (turns page) ...hot bananas thrust.
During the Prince's speech practice he finds Baldrick in a chest and thinks he's an anarchist. Blackadder explains that it's just Baldrick spring cleaning. George says "Well he's got a bomb!", and Edmund replies "It's a sponge"; George says "Oh of course. Well get it out of here, before it explodes!" What really sells the bit is Baldrick leaving the room, holding the sponge at arm's length and tip-toeing gingerly.
Episode 5: Amy and Amiability
At the beginning of the episode, we learn that Parliament's attempts to get rid of Prince George from "Dish and Dishonesty" have escalated:
Blackadder:(entering the Prince's study, where the Prince is sat at a desk covered in papers) Good morning, sir. May I say how immensely rich you're looking. Now, was there anything you wanted, sir? Anything at all. Absolutely anything. George:(resting his feet on the desk) Well, yes, old fellow. I was wondering if you could possibly lend me a bit of cash. Blackadder: But of course, sir, I... cash? George: Yes. I'm rotten stinking stony stinking broke! Blackadder: But sir, what about the £5,000 which Parliament voted you only last week to drink yourself to death with?
After Blackadder convinces the Prince to marry, the Prince tasks him to find a suitable woman:
George: You know the kind of girls I like! They've got to be lovers, laughers, dancers... Blackadder: ... and bonkers. George: (raises eyebrows) ... That goes without saying.
Blackadder struggles to find a bride for the Prince to solve their collective money woes.
Blackadder:(with a stack of books on his desk) Oh, God!... (slams book shut) Baldrick:(pulling giblets out of a goose) Something wrong, Mr. B? Blackadder: I can't find a single person suitable to marry the Prince. Baldrick: Oh, please keep trying, I love a royal wedding. The excitement, the crowds, the souvenir mugs, the worrying about whether the bride's lost weight...note A reference to the then-contemporary marriage of Prince Andrew and Lady Sarah Ferguson. Blackadder: Unlikely with this lot, I'm afraid. If the prince had stipulated "must weigh a quarter of a ton", we'd be laughing! (looking over his reference material) Of the 262 princesses in Europe, 165 are over 80, they're out; 47 are under 10, they're out; and 39 are mad. Baldrick:(finding an egg inside the goose) Well, they sound ideal. Blackadder: Well, they would be if they hadn't all got married last week in Munich to the same horse. Which leaves us with two. Baldrick: And what about them? Blackadder: Well, there's Grand Duchess Sophia of Turin. We'll never get her to marry him. Baldrick: Why not? Blackadder: Because she's met him. Baldrick: Which leaves? Blackadder: Caroline of Brunswicknote who actually did marry the Prince in real life is the only available princess in Europe. Baldrick: And what's wrong with her? Blackadder:(suddenly angry) Get more coffee! It's horrid! Change it! Take me roughly from behind! No, not like that, like this! Trousers off! Tackle out! Walk the dog! Where's my presents? Baldrick:(flustered) All right, which one do you want me to do first!? Blackadder: No, that's what Caroline's like! She is famous for having the worst personality in Germany. And as you can imagine, that's up against some pretty stiff competition!
The encounter with the Duke of Cheapside and his daughter Sally. Before meeting Blackadder, the Duke dotes on his daughter to the point where her revelation that she's an opium fiend who's gotten knocked up by a poet named Shelley "who's a famous whoopsie" and killed her mother provokes nothing more than a cheery "Well, never mind!" After Blackadder, who has turned to the life of a highwayman, holds them up (while Sally quite openly flirts with him)...
Sally: Papa, you did nothing to defend my honour. Duke of Cheapside:[Dismissive] Oh, shut your face you pregnant junkie fag-hag.
Warren Clarke's entire performance as Mr. Hardwood, Amy's bluff Northern father:
Blackadder: Sir, I come as emissary of the Prince of Wales with the most splendid news. He wants your daughter Amy for his wife. Hardwood: Well his wife can't have her! Outrageous, sir, to come here with such a suggestion! [stands up angrily] Mind, sir, or I shall take off me belt and by thunder me trousers will fall down! Blackadder: No sir. Sir, you misunderstand. He wants to marry your lovely daughter. Hardwood: [gasps, falls back into his chair, amazed] Can it be possibly true? Surely love has never crossed such boundaries of class? Amy: But what about you and Mum? Hardwood: Well yes, yes, I grant thee, when I first met her I was the farmer's son and she was just the lass who ate the dung, but that was an exception. Amy: And Aunty Dot and Uncle Ted. Hardwood: Yes, yes alright, he was a pig poker and she was the Duchess of Argyll, but- Amy: And Aunty Ruth and Uncle Isiah, she was a milkmaid and he was- Hardwood: -The Pope, yes, yes, all right.
Blackadder:(to Sally) A single kiss of those soft lips is all I require. Duke of Cheapside: Never sir! A man's soft lips are his own personal kingdom! I'll protect them with my life!
"You'll be as dead as, as... that squirrel!" "What squirrel?" [BANG!] "Squeak!" [thud]
Near the end, the paper Prince George is reading mentions the Shadow had an accomplice (aka Blackadder), causing Blackadder to drop the tray he's holding. When George continues reading and reveals no-one knows who the accomplice is, the tray flies back to Blackadder's hands with a silly sound effect.
Episode 6: Duel and Duality
In the opening scene, Blackadder and Baldrick talking about their resepective ambitions:
Blackadder: God, I'm wasted here. It's no life for a man of noble blood being servant to a master with the intellect of a jugged walrus and all the social graces of a potty. Baldrick: I'm wasted too. I've been thinking of bettering myself. Blackadder: Oh, really? How? Baldrick: I applied for the job of village idiot of Kensington. Blackadder: Oh. Get anywhere? Baldrick: I got down to the last two, but I failed the final interview. Blackadder: Oh, what went wrong? Baldrick: I turned up. The other bloke was such an idiot he forgot to. Blackadder: Yes, well I'm afraid my ambitions stretch slightly further than professional idiocy in West London. I want to be remembered when I'm dead. I want books written about me. I want songs sung about me. And then hundreds of years from now I want episodes from my life to be played out weekly at half past nine by some great heroic actor of the age. Baldrick: Yeah, and I could be played by some tiny tit in a beard. Blackadder: Quite.
Prince George, having spent the night with the Duke of Wellington's nieces, is horrified to discover that the Duke, who has sworn to kill anyone who takes sexual advantage of his family, has been back in England for several months.
Prince: I'm doomed! Doomed as the dodo! (there is a knock at the door) Oh my God, he's here, Wellington's here already! (Baldrick enters with a letter; the Prince prostrates himself before him) Oh, Your Grace, forgive me, I didn't know what I was doing, I was a mad, mad, sexually overactive fool! (the confused Baldrick tries to give the Prince a re-assuring pat on the head) Blackadder: Sir, it's Baldrick, you're perfectly safe. (takes letter) Prince: Well, hurrah! Blackadder:(reads letter) Ah! Until six o'clock this evening. Prince: ... hurroo. Blackadder:(reading) "From the Supreme Commander, Allied Forces Europe. Sir: Prince or pauper, when a man soils a Wellington, he puts his foot in it. (Open bracket, this is not a joke, I do not find my name remotely funny and people who do end up dead, close bracket.) I challenge you to a duel tonight at 1800 hours in which you will die. Yours with sincerest apologies for your impending violent slaughter, Arthur Wellesley, Duke of Wellington." Baldrick: Sounds a nice, polite sort of bloke!
Baldrick suggests that Blackadder stand in for the Prince in the duel on the assumption that Wellington will not know what the Prince looks like. Blackadder drags Baldrick out of the room, claiming "trouble with the staff."
Blackadder: Baldrick, does it have to be this way!? Our valued friendship ending with me cutting you into long strips, and telling the Prince that you walked over a very sharp cattle grid in an extremely heavy hat?!
Blackadder: Tell me, do you ever stop bullying and shouting at the lower orders? Wellington:(shouting)Never! There's only one way to win a campaign: shout, shout and shout again! Blackadder: You don't think then that inspired leadership and tactical ability have anything to do with it? Wellington:(still shouting)No! It's all down to shouting! (does a Stephen Fry trademark bleat)BAHHHHHH!
The Prince very nearly finds out just how much contempt Blackadder and Baldrick have for him when he overhears a conversation between Mrs. Miggins and Baldrick.
Mrs. Miggins: Ah hello Baldrick. I've brought your buns. Where's Mr. Blackadder? Oh, not upstairs still, running around after that port-swilling, tadpole-brained smelly-boots? Baldrick:(knowing the Prince is listening, tries to cover, badly) I don't know who you mean. Mrs. Miggins: Prince George, Baldrick. His boots smell so bad a man would need to have his nose amputated before taking them off. Well, that's what Mr. Blackadder says. Baldrick:(loudly, so the Prince can hear) As a joke! Mrs. Miggins: Didn't you write a little poem about him last week? Baldrick:(worried) No I didn't. Mrs. Miggins: Ooh you did: "In the Winter it's cool, / In the Summer it's hot, / But all the year round, / Prince George is a clot!" (laughs) Baldrick:(loudly) A lovely! I said Prince George is a lovely! Mrs. Miggins: Oh well. I'd better be off anyway. Tell Mr. Blackadder to expect Mr. MacAdder at five o'clock. Just as soon as that fat Prussian truffle pig has got his snout wedged into a bucket of tea-cakes. (makes grunting noises and leaves) Baldrick:(calling after her) I think it must be next door you're wanting, strange woman who I've never seen before Mrs. Miggins! George:(coming out of hiding, an accusatory look on his face) Baldrick! Baldrick:(worried) Yes, Your Highness? George: Is it true?... Did you really write a poem about how lovely I am? Baldrick:(fondly) Yes, and Mr. Blackadder loves you too. (smiles) George: Well I must say. I find that very touching. I do.
Blackadder: I want you to take the place of the Prince Regent and kill the Duke of Wellington in a duel. MacAdder: Aye, and what's in it for me? Blackadder: Enough cash to buy the Outer Hebrides. What do you think? MacAdder: Fourteen shillings and six-pence? Well, it's tempting. But I've got an even better plan. Why don't I pretend to be the Duke of Wellington and kill the Prince of Wales in a duel? Then I could kill the King and be crowned with the ancient stone bonnet of MacAdder.
The duel between Edmund (as the Prince) and the Duke of Wellington is fought with cannons rather than swords. As the Duke deftly loads and aims his cannon, Blackadder is still reading the instruction manual for his cannon.
"Congratulations on choosing the Armstrong Whitworth four-pounder cannonette. Please read the instructions carefully and it should give years of trouble free maiming."
The Duke finally tires of George (as Blackadder)'s insolence and shoots him with his pistol:
George: I die. I hope men will say of me that I did duty by my country. Blackadder: I think that's pretty unlikely, sir. If I were you, I'd try for something a bit more realistic. George: Like what? Blackadder: You hope that men will think of you as a bit of a thicky? George: Alright then, I'll hope that. Toodle-oo, everyone, let you know and all that. (dies)
Blackadder Goes Forth
Episode 1: Captain Cook
Blackadder sums up the Western Front in a nutshell:
Captain Blackadder: It looks like Field Marshal Haig is making another gargantuan effort to move his drinks cabinet six inches closer to Berlin.
And his disgust with General Melchett:
Blackadder: I've just been summoned to Staff HQ. No doubt that idiot General Melchett is about to offer me some attractive new opportunity to have my brains blown out for Britain.
This exchange, when George tries to read a map:
Blackadder: All right, where are we? George: Well, we appear to be in the middle of a field marked with mushrooms. Blackadder: So what does that mean? George: ...That we're standing in a field of mushrooms? Blackadder: George, that is a military map. It is unlikely to list interesting flora and fungi. What do the mushrooms symbolize? George: It says, "mine." So the mushrooms must belong to the chap who wrote the map! Blackadder: Either that or we're standing in a minefield. George: So he owns the field as well?
And later, as they're heading back to their trench:
George: Sir, I forgot. If we should happen to tread on a mine, what do we do? Blackadder: (Pause) Well, Lieutenant, I believe proper procedure is to jump about 200 feet in the air and scatter yourself over a wide area.
Episode 2: Corporal Punishment
Melchett learns that Blackadder has disobeyed a direct order and shot his beloved pet carrier pigeon and only childhood friend, Speckled Jim:
Melchett: I DON'T CARE IF HE'S BEEN ROGERING THE DUKE OF YORK WITH A PRIZE-WINNING LEEK! HE SHOT MY PIGEON!
Blackadder: Deny everything, Baldrick. (Baldrick nods and goes up to the witness stand) George: Are you Private Baldrick? Baldrick: No! George: Oh. Erm, but you are Captain Blackadder's batman? Baldrick: No! Blackadder: (Head Desk) George: Oh, come on, Baldrick, be a bit more helpful! It's me! Baldrick: No it isn't!
Jeremy Hardy's ever-so-nice jailor, Corporal Perkins:
The end of the episode. Blackadder survives death by firing squad (without a second to spare) no thanks to Baldrick and George, who got so excited at remembering what they had to do to save Blackadder that they get drunk on whisky in celebration and forget to actually do the thing they were trying to remember (also a CMoF itself). Blackadder gets back, figures out the truth, and the following takes place.
Blackadder: I'm not a religious man as you know, but henceforth I shall pray nightly to the God who killed Cain and squashed Samson that he comes out of retirement and gets back into practice with the pair of you. The telephone rings, Blackadder answers it almost immediately Blackadder: Ah, Captain Darling. Well, you know, some of us just have friends in high places, I suppose. No I can hear you perfectly. You want what? You want two volunteers for a mission into No Man's Land. Codename "Operation Certain Death". Yes I think I have just the fellows. Replaces the telephone Blackadder: God is very quick these days...
Episode 3: Major Star
Every scene where Lieutenant George is in drag. Particularly when he first shows up and pronounces "I...feel...fantastic!"
The scene where General Melchett prepares for his date was voted the second greatest Blackadder moment of all time. And for good reason.
"..and before I could say 'Don't tread on a mine', she trod on a mine (...) When I say 'a mine', it was a cluster of mines.."
Baldrick as a would-be revolutionary:
Baldrick: Can't you smell it, sir? There is something afoot in the wind. The huddled masses yearning to breathe free." Blackadder: Baldrick, have you been at the diesel oil again? Baldrick: No, sir, I have been supping at the milk of freedom. Already our Russian comrades stand poised on the brink of revolution, and the huddled woss-names such as myself will rise up to throw off our hated oppressers like you and the lieutenant... present company excepted, sir. Blackadder: Go clean out the latrines. Baldrick: Yessir, right away sir.
Even funnier when you consider that in real life Tony Robinson is an ardent socialist and Labour Party supporter.
Episode 4: Private Plane
The return of Rik Mayall as Captain Flashheart, especially when meeting the man (played by Mayall's comedy partner Ade Edmondson) who considers him to be a Worthy Opponent:
Red Baron (with a hilarious Just a Stupid Accent): How often I have rehearsed this moment of destiny in my dreams. The opportunity to encapsulate the unspoken nobility of our comradeship. (Flashheart promptly shoots the Red Baron dead) Flashheart (loudly): WHAT A POOF!
Red Baron: Tomorrow, you will be taken back to Germany... To a convent school outside Heidelberg, where you will spend the rest of the war teaching the young girls home economics. For you, as a man of honour, THE HUMILIATION WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
The first thing Flashheart does in the fourth series is leap into frame, punch Edmund out, and step on him:
Flashheart: Eat knuckle, Fritz! How disgusting, a Boche on the sole of my boot. I shall have to find a patch of grass to wipe it on. I'll be shunned in the Officer's Mess. 'Sorry about the pong, you fellas; trod in the Boche and can't get rid of the WHIFF.' Blackadder: If we could dispense with the hilarious doggie-doo metaphor for a moment, I am not a Boche, this is a British trench. Flashheart: Thank heaven for that, thought I'd landed sausage-side. Mind if I use your phone? If word gets out I'm dead, five hundred girls will kill themselves. I wouldn't want them on my conscience, not when they oughta be on my FACE.
Blackadder's telephone message to the commander of the RAF during the German bombing raid: "I'd like to leave a message for the head of the Flying Corps, please. That's Air Chief Marshall Sir Hugh Massingbird-Massingbird, VC, DFC, and Bar. Message reads: Where are you, you bastard?"
Lord Flashheart says that "anyone can be a navigator as long as he can tell his arse from his elbow", and Blackadder mutters "Well, that's Baldrick out then." Shortly afterwards, Baldrick says that joining the Air Force would be "better than just sitting around here on our elbows".
Flashheart instructing the troops how to be aviators:
Flashheart: The first thing to remember is always treat your kite (slaps blackboard with pointer) like you treat your woman (makes sweeping, suggestive whipping motion). George: How do you mean, sir? Do you mean take her home over the weekend to meet your mother? Flashheart: No, I mean get inside her five times a day and take her to heaven and back.
Captain Blackadder: I spy with my bored little eye something beginning with "T". Baldrick: Breakfast! Captain Blackadder: What? Baldrick: My breakfast always begins with tea, and I have a little sausage, and a egg with some little soldiers. Captain Blackadder: Baldrick, when I said it begins with "T", I was talking about a letter. Baldrick: Nah, it never begins with a letter, the postman don't come 'til 10:30.
Blackadder gets another go:
Blackadder: My turn again. What begins with "come here" and ends with "ow"? Baldrick: I don't know, sir. Blackadder: Come here. (Baldrick goes over to him, and Blackadder punches him in the face)
We learn that Blackadder took part in the football games during the 1914 Christmas Truce...and still holds a grudge over being unfairly penalized.
The Cavalier Years
Baldrick's announces he has a cunning plan to save King Charles:
Edmund: Well, you'll forgive me if I don't do a cartwheel of joy - your family's record in the department of cunning planning is about as impressive as Stumpy O'Leg McNoleg's personal best in the Market Harbour Marathon. All right... What's the plan?
(Baldrick picks up a pumpkin and smiles.)
Edmund: A pumpkin is going to save the King...
Baldrick: Aah! (puts down pumpkin) But, over here, I have one that I prepared earlier. (picks up another pumpkin; one with eyes, nose, moustache and beard painted on, and with some hair placed on top) I will balance it on the King's head, like this. Then, I will cover his real head with a cloak, and then, when I execute him, instead of cutting off his real head, I will cut off the pumpkin, and the King survives!
Edmund: I'm not sure it's going to work, Balders.
Baldrick: Why not?
Edmund: Because, once you cut it off, you have to hold it up in front of the crowd and say, "This is the head of a traitor," at which point they will shout back, "No it's not, it's a huge pumpkin with a pathetic moustache drawn on it."
Baldrick: I suppose it's not one hundred percent convincing.
Edmund: It's not one percent convincing, Baldrick. However, I'm a busy man, and I can't be bothered to punch you at the moment. [He holds his arm up with his hand clenched] Here is my fist. Kindly run towards it as fast as you can.
Baldrick: Yes, sir. (He does)
King Charles is executed. Parliamentarian forces are closing in on our heroes' hideout to seize the young prince. Blackadder reveals he has a plan to get out of this, and hands the prince to Baldrick... He then removes his nobleman's clothes and false beard, revealing a shaven face and a puritan's clothing underneath. A gold wig follows just before Cromwell and his men burst in, and Blackadder adopts a nasal accent, pointing accusingly towards Baldrick:
Thank God you've come! Kill the Loyalist scum!
Blackadder's Christmas Carol
Blackadder reads Baldrick's Christmas card and reminds him that "Christmas" should have an H in it - as well as an R, an I, an S, a T, an M, an A, and another S. And he missed out the C at the beginning. "Congratulations, Mr Baldrick! Something of a triumph, I think - you must be the first person ever to spell `Christmas' without getting any of the letters right at all." We later find out that he wrote "Kweznuz".
From the Elizabethan sequence: "Baldrick, you wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord, singing "Subtle plans are here again!"
Blackadder Back and Forth
After confirming that the time machine works, Blackadder tells Baldrick that he is, rather surprisingly, the greatest genius the world has ever known. He retracts it moments later after learning that Baldrick forgot to write any numbers on the display that was supposed to tell them the date. "So the date we're heading for is two watermelons and a bunch of cherries. In other words, we can't get home. Rather a spectacular return to form after the genius moment."