Bernard: "Well, to be honest, after years of smoking and drinking, you do sometimes look at yourself and think. You know, just sometimes in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that 400th glass of cornershop piss at 3AM, you do sometimes look at yourself and think: 'This is fantastic! I'm in heaven!'"
Manny describes the mess of the shop: "Right now, I'm eating scrambled eggs, with a comb, from a shoe!"
and from the same episode
Cleaner:Speaking into a dictaphone North ceiling corner, cobwebs containing a number of deceased arachnids... with beans.
The Bilingual Bonus immediately before it had this Irish troper in stitches.
Bernard: Oh, I don't know. Walls, thermometers - it's an impossible choice. I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin that it somehow EXPLODES and kills me.
And from the episode, Bernard's "lollipop". (A bottle of wine that Bernard has frozen, then smashes against the wall to break the glass bottle and starts eating the rest like an icy pole.)
Manny runs away from home, only to experience an escalating series of calamities.
Fran: Well, where is he? How can I find him?
Bernard: Well, you could become a terrible event and happen to him.
Any interaction between Bernard and a customer.
Customer: Look, there's no other way to say this, but I didn't come in here to be insulted.
Bernard: Well, I didn't ask for the job of insulting you. In another life, we could have been brothers. Running a small, quirky taveria in Sicily. Maybe we would have married the local twins instead of wasting each other's time here in this dump. But it was not to be. So hop it.
Bernard trying to persuade three skinheads to beat him up in the first episode. "Have you heard this chant? Millwall, Millwall, you're really dreadful, and all your girlfriends are unfulfilled and alienated..."
Bernard: Which one of you bitches wants to dance? Hey, you know when you're doing your usual threesome thing you do on a weekend, and the moonlight's bouncing off your heads and your arses and everything, does that not get a bit confusing?
Concussed!Bernard afterwards, when Manny's thanking him for taking a beating that was heading his way, and offers to do his accounts because 'it's the least I can do'.
Bernard: You mean you can do more? Can I have a glass of wine? Manny: Okay. Bernard: (increasingly excited) And a ham sandwich? Manny: If you like. Bernard:With pickle?! Manny: Alright. (Bernard gets the most ludicrously excited and joyful expression on his face.)
Bernard: DON'T YOU DARE USE THE WORD 'PARTY' AS A VERB IN THIS SHOP!
In the premiere episode, Fran buys an allotment of bizarre spherical objects, but can't figure out what they are supposed to do. Then in the last moment of the show, the oblivious Manny casually reveals they are cigarette lighters, and Fran issues this perfect little scream of rage and surprise.
Bernard: Did I ever tell you about the old country, Jim? Ah, the old country! The songs! They'd melt your face!
The deleted scenes have several alternate lines for this, all hilarious, culminating in the Ad-Libbing Dylan Moran cracking himself up.
Cows in the morning, cows in the morning, one two three.
Up and at them, up and at them with a pick.
Ireland will never be free until
I'm... can marry my brother.
I live... by the river... with my mother... in a house.
She washes,... I cook... and we never go out.
Bernard's response to Manny's claim that they're not quitters:
Bernard: I am a Quitter. I come from a long line of Quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.
Pretty much the entirety of Blood's last act, with the frantic preparation of ridiculous meals, including luxury pie (The food of kings: lobster, truffles, saffron, caviar, and champagne!) and culminating in Manny, trying to reach Bernard's impossible standards, constructing a tower of soup. Bernard's response:
Bernard: What's this? Where are the turrets? It's rubbish, man!!
In the outtakes, when the '"tower" has fallen down.
"That's a log!"
"It fell over!"
In "Manny Come Home", where Bernard and Manny put aside their episode-long enmity to team up against Fran.
Bernard: It's never going to be like it was, Fran. Manny: Never, I agree. Bernard: We agree. Manny and I are opposed on every point. Manny: (politely) Well put. Bernard: Thank you. Manny: My pleasure.
Dylan Moran: (suddenly and without missing a beat) Pigs' vaginas.
The ending of the very first episode, and the reaction of the missionaries when Manny opens the door. The entire episode was a beautiful set-up for the whole thing.
"The little man in my hair is getting very very angry."
Manny cutting Bernard's hair with a bread knife.
On his first day at work, Manny tries to get Bernard to bring some order to the shop. Bernard bursts out "I can't take care of every little thing around here, you know, it's, it's mayhem!" There is only one other customer in the shop, reading quietly in a corner. A fly comes in the open door, and Manny and Bernard watch it fly around the shop for a long moment before it finally settles on Bernard's grungy desk - and then it decides it doesn't like it, takes off again, does another quick circuit of the shop and leaves, shutting the door behind itself.
Manny's parents move in and wash Bernard's trademark black outfit, revealing that it's actually a white suit that's just never been washed.
In the first episode, Manny accidentally swallows the Little Book of Calm. The doctor tells him that he'll either die painfully, or live 1-10 years, also in extreme pain. When Manny gets reasonably upset by the this, the doctor takes the x-ray and reads the Little Book of Calm from its place in his intestine.
Having the doctor be played by Martin Freeman just makes it even funnier.
Fran telling Bernard he is a freak, to which he replies, "Yes! I know! ...But I have rights!"
The whole Goliath Books fiasco and the borderline psychotic that runs the place.
"Hahaha...I'M REALLY ANGRY NOW."
Bernard watching Manny through a peephole doing the "Judas boogie".