You'll be wondering why Jonathan Ross was never on Mock the Week after this one.
(re. the "superbug" epidemic) Jimmy: Is the superbug referred to as (reads Simon Pegg's Long List) MI-5, MFI, MSI, MDRI... Simon: It's one of them. Jonathan: Does the MFI stand for "Motherf*cker's Incurable"?
While asking for the proper name for the full face veil, Jimmy warned the contestants to "keep the casual racism to a minimum". Russell and Noel wrote "peep scarf".
Jimmy: Now, Jonathan and Cat have gone for the only slightly less racist... Jonathan: ...The post box.
One question involves guessing who the mystery guest is, and Jonathan nails it in one - because the guy, Guy Goma, already appeared on Jon's show, for being mistakenly put on a live news show as an Apple executive when he'd originally walked in for a job interview. Ironically this was far more research than that new team put in...
Russell and Noel answered a question with Hitler Diaries. To avoid people thinking that they were endorsing Hitler, they also drew a picture of Hitler condemning him. They condemned him by writing 'Bad, Bad Hitler'.
While everyone else praises the childen of Mitchell Brook Primary School, Sean Lock goes off on a rant berating their acting abilities. He then recounts a story of being hit in the face with a broom by a nun after being in a play himself as a child.
Sean Lock and James Corden answer a question (what was unusual about a pregnancy) with 'It was an abomination'. The correct answer is that it was male pregnancy. They manage to convince Jimmy to give them the point.
Setting the tone for seasons to come, Claudia Winkleman on newsreader Jon Snow:
Rob Brydon's "small man in a box" voice, especially when he's ranting about being treated as a trained monkey who is prodded to do the voice, and mid-rant, Claudia Winkleman (his partner) pokes him in the arm and he immediately starts speaking in the voice.
After Jimmy makes a joke, Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand feign outrage and walk off the set. Jimmy's response?
Jonathan Ross pressuring David Mitchell and Charlie Brooker to dance to "Poker Face".
And failing utterly.
David's reaction to the pressure:
David: I'm hired to sit here and be sarcastic, not dance around like some cunt. Jimmy: That some cunt's name is Jonathan, leave him alone.
The second Mitchell Brook Primary School play was about the VMAs and Kanye West interrupting Taylor Swift's acceptance speech. Russell happened to have actually been there, and he said that when Kanye did that, he thought "yes! YOU take the fucking death threats this year!"
And then there was his laughter of delight at seeing the child playing him.
And Rob bitching that they shouldn't ask questions if one of the panelists was actually there.
"Oh fuck sake! I'm having a stroke! That's so embarrassing!"
Anything Richard and Noel put down as an answer.
Richard Ayoade, when asked by Jimmy Carr how he was doing, provided a short story about how, while he was fine, he was having issues with the hot water unit at home, which was bothering him a little. Jimmy begins to make light of the non sequitur, causing Richard to deadpan:
Richard: I'm sorry, I just made the mistake of genuinely responding to your question.
And he manages to stay completely deadpan while saying that the problem might be that he replaced his water tank with a bean bag.
When Jimmy asks Jonathan Ross what he's doing, Ross jokes about taking over Carr's shows on Channel Four and Carr gets the funniest faux-Oh, Crap! look on his face.
When Noel mentions that he hasn't read any Harry Potter books, Jonathan replies that Noel appears in the books as Severus Snape.
Noel: Was I good? Jonathan: You are very good in them.
"Why do you think it's weirder throwing a live wasp than a nightmare?"
Made even more delicious by how close they came one time.
David: The assassination of Noel Edmonds. [...] They knew it was him, 'cos he had a little beard, and then Obama said 'shoot him'.note It was about the death of Osama bin Laden.
80s Edition - 2012
When the "Say What You See" puzzle inexplicably ends with a man's buttnote The answer was "you cannot be serious" (Ewe Can Knot Bee Siri Arse), the guys start discussing what happens to men's bits as they age, leading to this golden line as Jason Manford consults his smartphone:
The entire Mr. Blobby segment must be seen to be believed. The sheer terror on Jack Whitehall's face the entire time is both amazing and hilarious, considering he had earlier in the show stated his fear of Mr. Blobby.
Jack Whitehall: How the fuck were you allowed near kids?
Dara Ó Briain acting out a girl from Babe Station receiving odd requests as if someone has called and demanded she do exercises from a basic acting class.
When Jimmy asked why Domino's saw record sales on 17 July 1994, Jack answered with "the invention of stuffed crust".
Jack and Denise's river dancing. "I can't tell whether that's wee or sweat".
One for the Mock the Week fans as Dara pretty much ports his shtick of breaking into an impression to illustrate the topical persons' point of view into this show. Until they get to his Nelson Mandela voice...
00s Edition - 2012
The team name of "Big Gay Al & His Big Scottish Pal".
Jimmy's laugh is mocked again, this time by Noel Fielding.
This joke at the start of the Music section of the quiz:
Alan: I couldn't even think. It's about 10 years ago, love. [Richard and Noel start cracking up] Jimmy: It is about 10 years ago. That's pretty much the nature [Richard and Noel laugh harder] of the Big Fat Quiz of the Noughties, I really should have pointed this out.
On top of this, Richard and Noel's answer of "Help me kill again".
Noel: What, he's called 'Nasty Nick' because he cheated on Big Brother? Richard: Even Goebbels isn't called 'Nasty Goebbels'!
Sarah Millican scores a rare knee-slapper, and Kevin Bridges may secretly be Captain Obvious:
Jimmy: In 2005 what did Lord Alan Sugar say would be "dead, finished, kaput, gone within a year"? Sarah: Was it the thesaurus? (later Kevin: The year 2005 calendar.
Richard and Noel's answer to "Who managed to set a new world record after spending 71 days crying in the B&Q?".
Richard:[completely deadpan] Was it your mum? No, seriously, was it your mum?
Jack Whitehall and James Corden randomly order pizza during the middle of the show and they come prepare with a bottle of wine and wine glasses.
#susanalbumparty. The guests spend ages riffing of that. Jack and James put down instead #subolovesitinthearse and Richard Ayoade put down #bemoreracist.
Richard's comment about the real answer: "What bums aren't anal? There's a redundancy within the hashtag."
Jack and James' answer for 'What does Obama do on a Saturday morning?' They're so embarrassed by it when it's about to be revealed, Jack crouches down in front of the screen to block it. Then when Russell sees what they put he helps Jack hide it. The answer, by the way: put on a condom and have a posh wank.
90s Edition - 2013
The photos of the guests from the 90s, especially Lee Mack and Jimmy's photos.
The look on Richard Ayoade's face when Jimmy revealed the losers will be Covered in Gunge (with the very same gunge machine used in Noel's House Party).
Richard:I will kill you in your sleep.
As a Call Back to the pizza from the previous year, Jonathan Ross brought a turkey to the studio and made sandwiches. He also re-gifts his unwanted Christmas gifts, which happen to be Jimmy Carr DVDs. Noel opens a DVD case, fills it with turkey and gives it to a member of the audience, calling it a perfect gift.
Kristen Schaal has to explain "cake farts" to all the other contestants.
Jimmy asks for the title of the tune Dolly Parton played on the saxophone at Glastonbury earlier in the year, and suggested it was probably "a saxophone song".note "Yakety Sax", to be precise. The ever pedantic-and-proud-of-it David Mitchell takes issue with his use of the term "song" to describe something played by a saxophone.
David: Saxophones can't sing. Jimmy: Oh yes they can! David: No no no, they can't. "Singing" is- is the verb for the- the human musical noises that have words in them. Jimmy:(spends a few seconds taking this in) Well, okay, I'd like to formally apologise. David: If you can find a saxophone song, then you must have found a talking saxophone. In which case, fucking hell, let's give up on this, there's a talking saxophone in the world!
The cast of The Inbetweeners ask the teams to identify a singer whose first name is "Cuban slang for 'clunge'".note The answer being Conchita Wurst. Melanie Brown (AKA Mel B. of The Spice Girls) is confused by the term "clunge", leading to a digression on Unusual Euphemisms for the female and male reproductive organs, ending with Mel asking Kevin Bridges if he has a clunge, and Kevin replying that he has a "clunge plunger".
Mel B briefly interrupts by asking "can I ask an audience member?" Cue Jimmy going into a silent but hilariousFreak Out while her back's turned.
Just about the entire cast making fun Mel B. in Spice Girls lyrics.
Anniversary Quiz - 2015
Russell and Noel throughout the entire evening. How many questions did it take them before the quiz went Off the Rails? One.
During the first answers, Russell asks the audience for help, while Noel brings a random audience member on stage to replace him. Hilarity Ensues.
"I do not look like a ventriloquist doll!"
After Chico of The X Factor fame asks the group a question, Jack Whitehall mentions that he texted Chico several years ago, but got no response. He tries again during the quiz, and Chico texts back.Cue Jack exploding with happiness. Doubles as a CMOA.
A Dalek (a friggin' Dalek!) asked the final question. And then it exterminated Jimmy.
Jack Whitehall: Is this a male Dalek or a female Dalek? Jimmy Carr: It's... it's hard to tell, I don't know where to look. Jack: 'Scuse me, are you a male Dalek or a female Dalek? Dalek:There is no such thing as gender in the Dalek world. Jack: Right. Good. Okay. Russell Brand: Don't matter that much in the human world! Jack: You should work more outside of Doctor Who. Have you had any offers? Dalek:Many. Jimmy: Yeah, he's on 8 Out of 10 Cats next week, it's gonna be huge. Dalek:I will exterminate ALL THE CATS!
When Russell said he shook Ed Balls' hand "all clicky wrist", Jimmy says he sounds like something out of A Clockwork Orange. So Russell breaks out into a bit of the old Nadsat. Funny enough. Then there's Jack's response.
Jack: It sounds wonderful, but I'm gonna have to have that Google translated into posh.
Noel's button man mask. Whether it's him or Russell wearing it.
Something between this and Nightmare Fuel when Jimmy introduces a segment by recounting that "the fox hunting ban went into force in 2004", which triggers a horrific and heart-stopping Skyward Scream from Jack. Right after that though...
Jimmy: I find it hard to sympathise, they're just small-minded inbred creatures that don't know what they're doing, and worst of all, they love hunting foxes. (Jack throws something at Jimmy)
All the other panelists (particularly Rob) arguing with Jimmy over why Richard and Greg should have gotten a point for answering 'peer pressure' (question being 'why did David Cameron stick his junk inside a dead pig's mouth').
And then the other two teams deliberately answered a question wrong in the next round so they could get the point.
And Jon Snow dances again, this time to Hotline Bling by Drake.
Rob trying to take over hosting duties.
"Yeah, it was, but you don't get any points, cause fuck you, dude!"
"I haven't been able to concentrate since you did the 'fuck you, dude' thing. It genuinely turned me on, Jimmy."
Nadiya, the series 6 The Great British Bakeoff winner, telling the contestants that she didn't actually make the snacks she brought with her, so if they don't like it, she doesn't care.
There's a new category for online news (read: Memetic Mutation), and the final question with a mystery guest has said guest bringing that dress into the studio. Yes, THAT dress. Cue the black-blue-white-gold argument infecting all the players.
Quiz of Everything 2016
The freakin' dinosaur coming on and just mucking shit up.
Richard mocking Jonathan's clothes. Note that Richard's sitting next to Noel.
Jon Snow's best dance yet, this time to Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody"
Things almost get confusing when Mel Giedroyc's in the show and one question is about that other Mel, Mel B (who's also been on the show), and the photo just shows Mel appearing on Bear Grylls' show, except both of them are standing really close and hunched over and retching for some reason. Jimmy's only clue is "it's not sexual, but yknow, for some people out there". Mel Giedroyc's reaction to this is something to behold.note It's about Mel B having to pee on Bear's arm due to jellyfish stings.
Jonathan and Bob's team name: One and a Half Condoms
Joey Essex's...interesting description of Sigmund Freud.
The contestants convincing Fred Siriex to give out a Nebuchadnezzarnote equivalent of 20 bottles of champagne to audience members.
On that note, just how difficult and innuendo laden Jonathan and Fred tried to take the cork off.
And Bob stole the Methuselahnote eight bottles worth bottle.
During answer time, most of the players stumble over the pronunciation of Nebuchadnezzar. Even more amusingly, Mel and Kristen come up with Bethesda, and Jon thinks the biggest one is Kardashian.note The real names are (from the biggest) Nebuchadnezzar, Balthazar, Methuselah, Jerboa, Magnum.