RONMAN THE BARBARIAN!
is a Kim Possible fanfic by Mr. Wizard. The characters are placed in a Conan the Barbarian-like setting.
When Ronman is sent off on a journey from his homeland of Actuaria (mainly to keep him from participating in the Fire Juggling Festival the next day), he and his buddy and adviser, Ruthless the Naked Sabertooth Mole Rat, set out to plunder and pillage their hearts out.
Along the way, Ronman makes many conquests of the female persuasion, but his dreams are haunted by a lithe figure with soft and loving green eyes. In his quest to find the girl of his dreams, Ronman and Ruthless find themselves as part of a rebellion to overthrow an evil usurper.
Examples:
- A-Cup Angst: The reason Kimila was bathing in Nubile Falls early in the morning was to increase her blood flow and grow her breasts. Ronman comforts her by saying from what he saw, they were well-formed, and that he's more fascinated by a woman's butt anyway.
- Abled in the Adaptation: Felix can walk just fine here, since he plunders with Ronman.
- Adaptation Name Change: Most of the characters have slightly altered names.
- Ronman (Ron Stoppable)
- Ruthless (Rufus)
- Kimila (Kim Possible)
- Moniquity (Monique)
- Wadelin (Wade)
- Vivian the Vivisectrix (Vivian Porter)
- Bonya (Bonnie Rockwaller)
- Bricken (Brick Flagg)
- Captain Barkane (Steve Barkin)
- Shegoix (Shego)
- Mama King (Mama Lipsky)
- Hegoic (Hego)
- Strom (Gemini/Sheldon)
- Elisthar (Dr. Director)
- King Eddie (Motor Ed)
- Adaptational Heroism: Gemini, the leader of the Worldwide Evil Empire is Strom, the guardian deity of Ronman's village.
- Adaptational Villainy: In the series, she was oblivious to her son's villainous actions. But here, Mama Lipski plays Mama King, who is just as evil as her son to the point where she tries to Mind Rape Kimila.
- All Women Are Lustful: Moniquity, Shegoix, and Queen Ann like to get it on, with the former two getting into bed with Ronman.
- All Your Powers Combined: In this case, sexes. Apparently, Kimila has the best sexual trait of every girl Ronman has ever slept with (Tara's wild tenderness, Zita's fierce need, Sausage Girl's caring, Bonya's desire to please and be pleased, and Shegoix and Moniquity's skill). On top of that, she has her own unique skills due to memorizing every Kama Sutra scroll she found in a hidden room of the library. Needless to say, their first time was the best time Ronman ever had.
- Annoying Younger Sibling: As usual, Tim and Jim. Also known as the Twevils ("Twin Devils").
- Aren't You Going to Ravish Me?: A lot of times, the women Ronman lays with come on to him first, and don't like taking 'No' for answer.
- The Atoner: Feeling the need to correct the mistake that allowed Drakken to take over Middletonia is what drove Kimila to make the pact with Elisthar.
- Babies Ever After: After looking into the future, Tara hints that Kimila and Ronman are going to have a very large family.
- Barbarian Hero: Ronman, the titular character, natch. He likes to cause destruction, claim wealth, and lay with beautiful women.
- Barbarian Tribe: Ronman's tribe, the Actuarians. Their neighboring tribes are mentioned to be this as well.
- Bathe Her and Bring Her to Me: Drakken's ultimate plan for Kimila is to marry her.
- Bathing Beauty: Ronman gets his first look of Kimila outside of his dreams when he finds her taking a Waterfall Shower.
- Best Her to Bed Her: The only way Ronman may lay with Kimila is if he defeats her in combat. It is also the only way that Kimila will be freed of her pact. During their first duel, Kimila overwhelms him (much to her disappointment), and in their second duel, Ronman fights better and more strategically and nearly wins if not for another of Kimila's powers to manifest. Fortunately, he manages to win by having his people overthrow Middletonia.
- Big Bad: For the first half dozen chapters, it focused on Ronman and Ruthless's misadventures. Upon reaching Middletonia, King Drakken took on the role of the main threat.
- Bigger Is Better in Bed: It's all but outright said that Ronman is a very healthy male specimen.
- Blatant Lies: When claiming that she always let Drakken do his own thing, Mama King asked him if she objected to him majoring in mind magic rather than elemental sorcery in magic school. Drakken mentally recalled that she did...for a year, but it was better if he didn't admit it.
- Bodyguard Crush:
- Ronman becomes Kimila's bodyguard through most of the fic.
- Bricken for Bonya.
- Brick Joke: In response to a joke Wadelin made about Barkane giving flowers to the soldiers, the captain said that flowers make one look needy. Later on, it's revealed that during the time Drakken and Shegoix were briefly dating, Drakken cast a spell on himself to grow flowers on his person for her, only for Shegoix to say that he looked needy that way.
- The Casanova: Ronman is definitely better with ladies than his canon counterpart, able to charm most of the lovely girls he encounters out of their clothes.
- Chainmail Bikini: Both Kim and Ann. Kim is always embarrassed to see her mom wearing the same thing as her. Kim's was made by Moniquity based on Ann's.
- Cock Fight: There's some brief tension between Ronman and Kevin, Tara's husband.Kimila: So not the time.
Moniquity: Yeah, there's no time to drop the breeches for a wagging contest. Though I'd be happy to judge one later.
Kimila: (glaring) He's married, Mon, and you know Ronman's spoken for.
Moniquity: All I'm saying, girl, is that it's civilized to share. - Dating What Daddy Hates: Mama King despises Shegoix. And the feeling is mutual.
- Defrosting Ice Queen: Kim is as hard as her sword at some points, however, spending time with Ronman manages to soften her. The trope is also literal considering that the powers Kim has been endowed with are ice-based.
- Divine Parentage: The Gos, who are the children of Hiyadol and the deified Magnifica.
- Dreaming of Things to Come
- Dress Hits Floor: Kim's gown when she and Ronman are about to make love for the first time.
- Drill Sergeant Nasty: Kimila is this when she's training the army. Her training is so intense that Ronman once commented that the soldiers cry when they see her coming.
- Dual Wielding: Kim two swords to Ronman at one point.
- Everybody Has Lots of Sex: A major theme of the story. The majority involves Ronman and versions of the girls Ron is mostly shipped with. One of Kimila's issues is that thanks to her pact, she's stuck as a virgin in an oversexualized world who can't get any until a man defeats her in combat.
- Evil Matriarch: As said before, Mama King is just as wicked as her son, with intentions to help him start his own dynasty by marrying Kimila.
- Evil Overlord: King Drakken aspires to be one, though he's just as humorous as his canon self.
- Exotic Extended Marriage: King Eddie has three wives.
- Fake Memories: How Drakken usurped Middletonia. Using a very powerful mind charm, combined with some cosmetic changes to every portrait and statue depicting the Possible dynasty, Drakken was able to alter all the citizens' memories to make them think he was the king and the Possibles were necromancers.
- Fag Hag: Adrena, it seems. As her boy toys "with big hearts" have "found willing hands to help".
- The Fair Folk: At one point, Kim thinks her brothers might have been Switched at Birth by changelings to explain their troublesome behaviors.
- Fiery Redhead: Kim is at her fieriest in this fic, being a mighty warrior princess.
- Freudian Threat: When Ronman was sold as a slave to Bonya at one point, she threatens to have him castrated if he does anything to get her mad. It's implied she's done the same to Bricken, but denies it.
- Girl of My Dreams: Before meeting Kimila in person, Ronman had dreams about making love with a lithe woman with long hair and green eyes. Knowing that it was not a dream due to it first happening in a mystical crypt, he became determined to one day find her. Unlike other cases that have a Peerless Love Interest, Kimila is not only more amazing than Ronman thought, but upon first meeting him (barring their fight after he reveals he was hired by Drakken), she falls for him almost immediately (due to a dream she had) and even took it well when she found him peeking at her while bathing in a pond.
- Gladiator Games: Apparently Lowertonia is known for this.
- Golem: The synthodrones from "So The Drama" are these in the story. It was mentioned that Drakken minored in golem magic at the Middletonian Esoteric School of Sorcery.
- Gondor Calls for Aid: Slim and his Free Riders arrived at the battle in the Road of Kings, after getting the message sent by King James.
- Harem Genre: Averted. Despite laying with pretty much every girl he's shipped with in
fanon, Ronman solely remains with Kimila upon meeting her. - Heroic Fantasy: The story takes place with the characters in a fantasy/barbarian version of the KP world.
- I Am X, Son of Y: Ronman of Actuaria, Son of Dean and Barbara.
- I Have Many Names: Kimila is also known as, among many, the "Red Kim", "Scarlet Kim", the "Crimson Kim", it's variant "Kim Krimson", and "Kimala".
- I Like Those Odds: Ronman has this as his default Badass Boast. Also the boast of his people, the Actuarians (bonus to those who know what the name means IRL) who are NOT kidding when they say this.
- I Want My Beloved to Be Happy: Initially Tara was extremely possessive of Ronman, even saying that no matter how many girls he laid with, she was the one he'd end with. However, as she sensed Ronman and Kimila's romance blossoming, her possessiveness waned and she did all she could to alter Kimila's fate of becoming a Soul Sister.
- I Want Them Alive!: This is what Drakken says to his golems about Kim considering he plans to marry her.
- I Was Quite the Looker: Apparently, Mama King was very attractive in her youth. She also knows a spell that allows her to reclaim it.
- The Immodest Orgasm: The girls Ronman laid with are left very satisfied afterwards. In fact, when Ronman had his first time with Tara, Ruthless deliberately tried to move his camp out of earshot, still without success.
- Jewish Mother: Mama Lipsky is already one in the series. But in the fic, this trope comes full blast , in addition to being evil, due to Mama King wanting her son to marry Kimila to secure the throne.
- Kill It with Water: Being a fire witch, Mama King cannot drink nonflammable liquids.
- Kinky Spanking: After having enough of Bonya's abuse, Ronman decides to punish her by spanking her. It ends up turning her on to the point that they wind up in her bed.
- The Lady's Favour: The day Ronman left his village, he encountered Tara who gave him her skirt as a parting gift…before passionately pouncing on him. After Ronman met Kimila, he gave the favour back to Tara's husband Kevin.
- Lady-In-Waiting: Moniquity, as Kimala's Royal Best Friend.
- Let's You and Him Fight: Ronman and Kim's first encounter, due to Ronman being hired by King Drakken to kill her.
- Literal Metaphor: In this world, Drakken got his blue skin due to two women he was mind controlling misunderstanding his command to "fight over him".
- Loophole Abuse: When Ronman is on the verge of losing his second duel with Kimila, he makes use of this by having his people overthrow Middletonia and making himself king. Since any victory a citizen claims applies to the king as well, this makes Kimila's victory in the duel Ronman's victory.
- Love Before First Sight: Kimila and Ronman ending up falling in love with each other before they ever met due to dreams they had involving each other, leaving them eager to actually find each other in real life.
- Luminescent Blush: Kimila, during her and Ronman's second duel, when the top of her Chainmail Bikini came undone, to the point that the narration referred to her as the Red(faced) Kim.
- Made a Slave: This is Ronman and Ruthless' fate after being on the losing side of the Battle of Go City. They free themselves soon enough. This happened to Wadelin, too, in his backstory.
- Magical Seventh Son: Vivian reveals that she's the seventh daughter of a seventh daughter.
- Male Gaze: Kimila stares at Ronman's loincloth, and notices Moniquity is too.
- Mama's Boy: Much like in canon, King Drakken is under his mother's thumb.
- The Man Behind the Man: Mama King pretty much controls everything through her son. She wants what's best for him.
- Mind Rape: Mama King attempted to do this to Kimila in order to burn her spirit away and make her an appropriate bride for Drakken. It failed due to Mama not knowing the full extent of Kimila's pact. All her efforts did was reforge Kimila's sword.
- Mistaken for Gay: When Barkane admitted he wasn't interested in the sights at Nubile Falls, Wadelin made a joke that maybe he was into the soldiers, only for Barkane to say that fraternizing in the ranks is prohibited.
- Moment Killer: Ruthless woke up Ronman just as he and Kimila are enjoying themselves in the Dreamworld. Kimila makes him pay for it the next day.
- My Eyes Are Up Here: Said word-for-word by Kimila to Ronman during their second duel. Ronman unashamedly said "You peaked first". Her top had come undone.
- My Sister Is Off-Limits: Back when Shegoix was a defender of Go City, her suitors would get a talk from Hegoix, resulting in them behaving like perfect gentlemen, much to her dismay.
- Mythology Gag:
- Ruthless comes to mind of Rufus 3000 from A Sitch in Time.
- Kimila mastered 16 schools of fencing.
- Kimila training the soldiers bears similarity to "Coach Possible".
- Moniquity mentions the time she and Kimila got into a fight over Hirotaka.
- Ronman once mentioned a "Killigan the Blusterous".
- Ruthless bites Eric's leg and hums the Wedding March.
- Drakken mentioned he once cast a spell on himself to allow flowers to grow on him.
- Shegoix mentioned her masseur Midas.
- Naked First Impression: How Ronman saw Kimila for the first time in person. It also swung the other way as Ronman had lost his breeches on a branch.
- Nice Job Breaking It, Hero:
- Kimila felt that letting herself be played by Drakken is what allowed him to usurp her family, driving her to become The Atoner.
- Because Kimila insisted on finding the source of Drakken's memory spell, she and Ronman ended up getting captured.
- No Ontological Inertia: Subverted. Despite Kimila and Vivian's beliefs that Kimila's Taking You with Me plan would break the memory spell on Middletonia, Moniquity learns through Tara that the spell will outlast Drakken, and Shegoix would be free to become a Dragon Ascendant while Kimila's family would take the fall for Drakken and Kimila's deaths.
- Nobody Here but Us Statues: When the BBG hide in Bortalair's room, Ronman does this. Bortalair knew they were there the whole time.
- Non Sequitur, *Thud*: During his first duel with Kimila, Ronman crashed into Ruthless and Moniquity's 'Seconds' box then dizzily said "Ruthless, didn't know you had a twin sister".Moniquity: I hope he's talking just to you.
- Noodle Implements: For some reason, NSTMR courtship involves the male reciting poetry and the female throwing furniture.
- Now You Tell Me: When it looked like Ronman had won the second duel, Kim was about to willingly yield, when she inadvertently fired an ice blast from her raised hand into Ronman's chest. She then mentally demanded why Vivian didn't tell her about that before.
- Off with Her Head!: King Eddie was about to behead one of his wives until King James stopped him. She even accepted her death as she went on her knees and bowed her head. It's King Eddie's people's tradition for the winner to take the loser's one of his wives, should the winner refuse then the newest wife gets beheaded. Slim decides to take her as his new wife and Joss's new mother.
- Organ Autonomy: After several rounds of lovemaking, Ronman and Shegoix's exhausted loins demand a drink from their brains. They aren't pleased when the two opt for alcohol.WE SAID WE NEEDED WATER!
- Our Gods Are Different: The gods here are KP characters with characteristics from the Conan franchise.
- Outdoor Bath Peeping: A pond called Nubile Falls where village women bathe has a hill above it called Gawker's Roost. Apparently, the women have no problem being seen, even having the road expanded to make a grander entrance. This is also how Ronman met Kimila, who was fine with being seen by him, even having a pleasant conversation with him mixed with flirting.
- Parental Sexuality Squick: Kim is naturally grossed out when James and Ann get amorous.
- Raging Stiffie:
- While in the Chop Shop learning how to act like a castrato and control himself, Ronman keeps getting aroused by the servant girls. One of the girls chops a sausage each time that happens. The shock calms him down. A lot.
- Later, Bonya's "friend" Gimmea's slave got caught with one (due to their mistresses rubbing oil on each other). For his failure to control himself, Gimmea had the guards take him to the Chop Shop as a 'repeat offender', much to his screaming horror.
- Drakken got one in his bathtub when he pictured Kimila naked.
- Ragtag Bunch of Misfits: The Breeches Bandit Gang (BBG for short). They include Ronman (a barbarian), Ruthless (his former pet Saber Tooth Naked Mole Rat), Wadelin (an alchemist), Moniquity (the Queen of Thieves and Royal Best Friend of Kimila), Felix (Ronman's Plunder Buddy and fellow barbarian), and Kimila (the warrior princess).
- Rape, Pillage, and Burn: Minus the rape, with it being replaced with consensus lovemaking, Ronman and Ruthless set out to do the traditional barbarian roam-fight-and-pillage tour across the world.
- Really Gets Around: Ronman beds most of the lovely ladies he comes across. It's hinted that Moniquity has gotten a lot of experience herself.Ruthless: Remember, my sense of smell is fifty times keener than yours. For instance, your skirt tells me that you spend some quality time with that young guard in the South Tower sometime after four bells.
- Really Royalty Reveal: While searching for the Red Kim, Ronman discovers that she is actually the princess of the actual royal family of Middletonia and Drakken is a usurper.
- Reports of My Death Were Greatly Exaggerated: Drakken and Shegoix thought Ronman and the BBG had been wiped out by Kimila, when in reality they had actually joined the rebellion while Kimila gave a false message to Barkane. It wasn't until the climax that they found out the truth, which unfortunately led to some awkwardness when Kimila learned about Ronman's intimacy with Shegoix.
- Rhetorical Question Blunder: While talking about how she always allowed her son to go his only way, Mama King asks Drakken if she objected in him specializing in mind magic rather than elemental sorcery like her. Drakken mentally comments that she did...for an entire year, but figured it was best not to say so.
- Romantic Spoonfeeding: During the feast after Kimila and Ronman's second duel, in which Ronman emerged victorious, the two broke bread, dipped it in broth and fed each other.
- Royals Who Actually Do Something: Not just Kimila, who is a warrior princess, but her family also help in the fight to reclaim their homeland.
- Samus Is a Girl: Before meeting Kim, Ronman thought "the Red Kim" was a man.
- Sex Magic: Women of Tara's tribe gain the mantle of Seers upon losing their virginity to a man with certain qualities. Tara's first time with Ronman unlocks her ability.
- Shameless Fanservice Girl: A whole lot of them, who have no issues with showing off the majority of their skin, especially around Ronman.
- Shout-Out:
- Spit Take: Kimila did this when Mama King informed her that she was going to marry Drakken.
- Stripperiffic: As mentioned above, both Kim and Ann wear chainmail bikinis. Justified in Ann's case as she was once a stripper.
- Super Window Jump: When Lucre is cornered by Ruthless in a hotel room, he does this, planning to climb down the awnings outside to reach the ground. Unfortunately, he forgot that the hotel was cheaply built and ends up falling through the flimsy awnings to his death.
- Taking You with Me: When it looked like she had no other alternative, Kimila intended to have Vivian skewer her and Drakken during the wedding ceremony. She decided against it after Moniquity gave her a What the Hell, Hero? Shout-Out.
- The Talk: Ruthless gives this to Wadelin in the form of how NSTMRs court. Wadelin is left visibly disturbed afterwards.
- Talking Weapon: Kimila's Soul Sword, due to being possessed by a ghost named Vivian.
- Their First Time: Kimila and Ronman are finally able to lay together in the final chapter of the story, with it being the most enjoyable experience for both, and it's implied that it will happen a lot more.
- Three-Way Sex:
- At one point, Ronman has sex with Bonya's sisters Lonya and Conya at the same time.
- During the celebration of Drakken's defeat, it's hinted that Ruthless ended up in a threesome with two female Naked Saber Tooth Mole Rats.
- Throwing Down the Gauntlet: After spending a month getting to know each other, on a date one night, Ronman does this as a means to challenge Kimila to a rematch. Kimila considers it romantic.
- Two-Person Pool Party: James and Ann had one of these in a cistern. Kim makes a mental note to never drink from it or look at it again.
- Unicorn: Kimila's steed, Sloth.
- Victory Sex: After Drakken's defeat and Ronman's victory in his duel against Kimila, Kimila and Ronman, and everyone else besides Wadelin and Joss, partook in this. It's also heavily implied that Ruthless ended up in a threesome.
- Villainesses Want Heroes: Shegoix wants Ronman.
- Virgin Power: To end her pact, Kimila had to lose her virginity to the man that defeated her in combat.
- Wardrobe Malfunction: During Kimila and Ronman's second duel, this happens to Kimila, with her top coming undone.
- You Can Leave Your Hat On: Before meeting James, Ann worked as a stripper at a place run by her and her friends called the Tilting Ground. This becomes a Chekhov's Skill when she and her friends get back together for a reunion show in order to get past Drakken's forces.
- You Need to Get Laid: When Kimila was worried that her competitive nature will ruin her chance for love and her Soul Sword replies with "Boys come and go, but always there remains the discipline of steel", Moniquity comments that Kim needs to set the sword up "with a nice, sexy axe".
