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Fanfic: One Less Lonely Gurl
C'ren Amethyst Le Heart-Bieber, official artwork

"[AN: I donut own this spongebob thiny. dis is just a fanfic OK!]"
—Opening to One Less Lonely Gurl

One Less Lonely Gurl by Monica Gilbey-Bieber is an infamous SpongeBob SquarePants trollfic.

C'ren Amethyst Le Heart-Bieber is an 18-year-old marine biologist who was tasked to gather some specimen of coral reef on an ordinary day, and when she dove into the waters, she found an exceptionally huge coral reef that actually contains a portal to the world of Spongebob Squarepants, where the characters have actually been turned into humans.

The plot centers more around Justin Bieber than Spongebob himself. C'ren is then revealed to be a crazy, delusional person with plans to rule the world and have Justin to herself forever, using her discovery of this new universe as a front for her plan by injecting mind-control serum into all the patties and destroying all rival food sources, leaving everyone with no choice but to eat the infected patties. Aside from that, she wants to avenge herself from past of abuse.

This fic has been said to be the preppy equivalent of My Immortal because of their similarities, including a Justin Bieber concert, horrible grammar and spelling, Canon Defilement, rude author's notes, and music genre bashing.

A partial repost can be found in the author's official Blogspot page with commentary from the author himself. Also, a full version can be found here, reposted by the author himself.

Now has a remake.

Compare Da Ivy Cuvrd Wals Uv Higwsrts, which reads like the Harry Potter version of this fanfic, but has a worse plot and grammar. Compare and contrast Planktons Eye View, which is another fanfic by the same author, and My Immortal.


One Less Lonely Gurl contains examples of:

  • Abusive Parents: Subverted in that C'ren's abuser is not her real mother, but the real wife of her biological father. Her biological father cheated on her with another woman with whom he had C'ren.
  • All Just a Dream: The whole thing was just a crazy dream by a hooker in Russia.
  • Alternate Universe: The fanfic is a story within a story which is set in an alternate universe which also turns out to be a dream. That explains why everyone is out of character.
  • Artistic License - Biology: Apparently, getting bitten by a rabies-infected snail will make you act like one.
  • Artistic License - Chemistry: Apparently, combining human D.N.A. with that of a rabid snail that ate spoiled Krabby Patties will create a pink mind-control serum that, when ingested by anyone, he/she becomes a mind-controlled slave of the human owner of the D.N.A. sample.
  • Artistic License - Economics: C'ren and Bob earned millions of dollars for one day of work at the Krusty Krab.
  • Artistic License - Engineering: C'ren programming all the love a wife has into K-3N, Karen's replacement. Apparently, it is possible to program love, a human emotion, into a computer.
  • Artistic License - Geography: There is a portal to Atlantis under The Bermuda Triangle which is accessed by going inside a giant, iridescent coral reef which will lead first to ebony darkness.
  • Artistic License - Physics: Apparently, a neon sign underwater does not cause electrocution. Generally, everything that happens inside the giant coral reef is this. C'ren even lampshades this in the remake.
  • Atlantis: The setting of the story, where the Bermuda Triangle is supposed to lead to. According to the fanfic, Bikini Bottom is a city in this state.
  • Author Appeal: Plankton hating rock music (though at least one episode proved that wrong), almost if not all of Bikini Bottom liking Justin Bieber, Bieber himself showing up in the fanfic and dating C'ren... basically the whole fanfic is made of this trope. This was subverted altogether when the author revealed that his true personality and appearance are the polar opposite of Monica's.
  • Author Avatar: C'ren is blatantly a perfected (and even more deranged) version of the author's alter-ego Monica.
  • Author Filibuster: There are 'chapters' with rude author's notes that are longer than the chapter itself.
  • Bastard Bastard: C'ren.
  • Beauty Equals Goodness: This is a somewhat complicated example. C'ren's half-brother who raped her repetitively is described as fat and ugly, and depicted as evil, justified because the story was being narrated by C'ren. It turns out after all that her half-brother is not the real Big Bad of the story, but C'ren herself, who is described as beautiful. This was again played straight when James, the author, describes C'ren as someone who a man would see next to his bed after a nasty hangover or someone anyone would only get caught with after losing a bet.
  • The Bermuda Triangle: In this fanfic, it is said that C'ren found the coral reef with a portal to the SpongeBob SquarePants universe in the Bermuda Triangle. According to C'ren, this might explain why ships and aircraft mysteriously disappear: those who disappeared are now inhabitants of Atlantis, where Bikini Bottom is found. However, Human!Spongebob explains that aircraft and ships disappear because of the sins of land humans, thus forbidding them to enter the underwater utopia of Atlantis. Instead, the land humans end up disappearing.
  • Bizarrchitecture: Human!Spongebob still lives in a pineapple in this fanfic.
  • Blondes are Evil: C'ren.
  • Brawn Hilda: Pearl, despite her girly attitude. She barges into the Chum Bucket and destroys everything with a pink baseball bat, thus starting a riot.
  • Breaking the Fourth Wall: C'ren attempting to explain to Plankton that they are all figments of the imagination of a marine biologist named Stephen Hillenburg.
  • Brother-Sister Incest: C'ren and her half-brother.
  • Chemistry Can Do Anything: The potion that will allow Bieber to breathe underwater and the mind control serum made of the saliva of a rabid snail.
  • Crapsaccharine World: What the world became under C'ren's rule.
  • Curse Cut Short: Word of God confirms that when C'ren introduced herself to Human!Spongebob, she was about to say that she wished to be related to Justin Bieber because he is a major fucking hottie. However, Human!Spongebob interrupted her when he told her that Justin Bieber is the biggest star in all of Atlantis.
  • Custom Uniform: In the remake, it is stated that C'ren's diving suit is a sleek, pink catsuit without the bulky equipment that other divers have because of her Super Not-Drowning Skills. She is also the one assigned the difficult job of diving down the deep trenches to retrieve the rare coral reefs.
  • Daddy's Girl: C'ren. Justified for obvious reasons.
  • Darker and Edgier: The remake is this, given that it is written in James's writing style. In the first chapter, C'ren says that the corpses of the people who disappeared probably filled the inside of the coral reef, or worse, they might still be alive, just like her, but their screams cannot be heard in the Void Between the Worlds. Not what you'd expect from a fanfic entitled One Less Lonely Gurl, right?
  • Dear Negative Reader: The author's notes are often along the lines of Don't Like, Don't Read and Lets See You Do Better. However, James mentions that the remake will not have rude author's notes.
  • Domestic Abuse: C'ren's father was abused by his wife.
  • Double Standard: Abuse, Female on Male: Averted. While it might be somewhat justified that C'ren's father will get abused by his wife as punishment for cheating on her, the story still portrays abuse in a negative light. This is possibly a hint of James's true personality showing through, given that he takes the subject of Domestic Abuse very seriously.
  • Dream Within a Dream: In Chapter 5, C'ren was having a nightmare. The whole story was just a dream.
  • Eldritch Location: The interior of the coral reef C'ren discovered is depicted as this in the remake. Heck, the setting of the 'Spongebob universe' is this.
  • Even Evil Has Standards: The part where Plankton says that C'ren is going too far with her plan. C'ren won the argument anyway.
  • The Evils of Free Will: C'ren's motive. She wants the world to be one big Sugar Bowl, free of the evils of rock music and goth culture.
  • Fat Bastard: Subverted with C'ren's half-brother.
  • Fictional Document: The whole thing, including the fact that Kataryna Simovitch (C'ren's real name) was just dreaming about being C'ren, is just a book that a fictional author, possibly the real self-insert, submitted as an entry for the (fictional) annual Worst Piece of Literature contest being held in the universe where Plankton's Eye View is being held. Plankton's Eye View starts with Plankton actually reading the fanfic itself.
  • Glurge Addict: C'ren.
  • Grammar Nazi: Monica's author's notes in later chapters indicates that she has become this, correcting her reviewers' grammatical errors rather rudely.
  • Gut Punch: From the point when Justin Bieber got written off the story, the following events took a darker, more sci-fi turn.
  • Half-Human Hybrid: Word of God has mentioned that, should he have continued to write this story while still posing as Monica, he would have eventually revealed that C'ren's mother was actually a mermaid (and a daughter of King Neptune, which would've made C'ren Neptune's granddaughter (and possibly Mindy's niece, depending on the version of Neptune)), thus explaining how C'ren could breathe underwater.
  • Hot Scientist: C'ren is depicted as this.
  • I Lied: C'ren lied to Pearl about helping her become popular. Instead, all she did was to use Pearl to get the Krabby Patty formula.
  • Inherited Illiteracy Title: One Less Lonely Gurl as a title is obviously this.
  • In Name Only: With the characters getting humanized except for Karen and Sandy, having name changes, and acting Out of Character for a decent chunk of it, it's sometimes hard to tell that it's really a Spongebob story.
  • Insane Troll Logic: Most of the pseudo-science stuff in the later chapters is this.
  • Lethal Chef: Plankton and C'ren when she infects all the Krabby Patties with mind-control serum.
  • Light Is Not Good: Played straight with C'ren.
  • Lost World: Atlantis, which is where the SpongeBob SquarePants universe in this Fan Fic is.
  • Loud of War: C'ren's half-brother made her listen to Green Day and Avenged Sevenfold in full volume, much to her misery. This is not intentional on his part though because he has a good reason for doing this. However, this trope applies because his mother took advantage of C'ren's hatred for the two bands and forced her son to use these as tools of torment on her husband's illegitimate child.
  • Male Gaze: All the official artworks of C'ren seem to emphasize her...assets. Remember, the author is actually a guy.
  • Mind-Control Device: The saliva of the rabid snail combined with human DNA
  • Multicolored Hair: C'ren's hair has three colors. The pink and green streaks are just dyed, however.
  • Only Sane Man: Two of them, actually: Plankton and Fred Rechid. C'ren forced them to subvert this later on.
  • Only Shop in Town: Invoked. C'ren and Plankton destroyed all other rival food sources in Bikini Bottom in order to force everyone to eat the mind-controlling patties and turn them all into C'ren's slaves.
  • Out of Character: Basically all the canon characters in this fanfic are this. Plankton seems to be an exception.
  • Parody Names: In the remake, Justin Bieber is renamed Justin Bleber.
  • Parody Sue: C'ren turns out to be one.
  • The Power of Rock: Word of God says that this is the true motive of C'ren's half-brother of making C'ren listen to rock music; to alleviate her pain. However, C'ren took it the wrong way and instead interpreted rock music as one of the main reminders of her misery.
  • Purple Prose: Seen in the first few chapters, in the physical description of C'ren and the portal that leads to Bikini Bottom. More so in the remake.
  • Punctuation Shaker: C'ren.
  • Rape Is The New Dead Parents: This fanfic actually combines both. In the fifth chapter, C'ren was having a flashback of her past through a nightmare where she narrates about her father cheating on his true wife, and that she is the daughter of the other woman who died giving birth to her. The insane wife then commanded her son (C'ren's half-brother) to rape C'ren everyday. Furthermore, she also stabbed her husband in front of seven-year-old C'ren, thus leaving C'ren an orphan.
  • Reality Subtext: Plankton and the author share names. (Plankton's second name is James.) They are also both short-statured. In this fanfic, C'ren seems to be attracted to Plankton, (see the Unresolved Sexual Tension entry found in this page) as the Monica persona has been said to like short men. In reality, James was rejected by a (tall) girl he was attracted to. This then leads to the possibility that Plankton is the real Self Insert and that the story satirizes his love life.
  • Real Person Fic: Bieber appearing in the story.
  • Rewarded as a Traitor Deserves: C'ren telling Pearl about how gullible the latter is, and The Reveal that Spongebob and Pearl are actually posers who like rock music.
  • Rouge Angles of Satin: Chapters 1 to 4 were filled with these, and the more notable one, 'do not' vs. 'donut' has been lampshaded in a later chapter's author's note, the logo of the rehost site, and the disclaimer in the rehost site. The remake has better spelling and grammar, however.
  • Running Gag: The donut has become a trademark of this fanfic. It all began with the very first author's note. The author now uses the word donut instead of don't when making any references to this fanfic. It even became the logo of the rehost website.
  • Scenery Porn: The author describes the makeovers done to the Krusty Krab and The Chum Bucket in vivid detail, possibly because of Author Appeal on the part of both personas, Monica being a Girly Girl who loves to describe how pink the place is and James being an architecture student. In fact, the clothing descriptions you will find in this story are described normally, proportional to every character and almost resembles what the character is wearing in canon.
  • The Schlub Pub Seduction Deduction: C'ren does this to Plankton.
  • Screw the Rules, I'm Beautiful!: C'ren and Justin Bieber. The rules of the universe where this fanfic was held clearly state that land humans are not allowed in Atlantis because of their sins. Justin Bieber and C'ren, instead of suffering whatever the consequences of trespassing are, end up becoming celebrities instead. Justin Bieber was able to go back up to the land to continue his tour (thus writing him out of the story) despite the fact that land humans are supposed to disappear once they pass the Bermuda Triangle. This was lampshaded by C'ren when she asked Human!Spongebob why Justin Bieber is famous underwater. This may be subverted for C'ren because according to the commentary, C'ren is actually half-mermaid and is the granddaughter of Neptune. That will explain how she can breathe underwater. Then again, she is just a crazy person with a crazy dream.
  • Sensual Spandex: C'ren wears a pink catsuit (that exposes her cleavage) as her diving suit.
  • She Is Not My Girlfriend: Spongebob had to explain that C'ren wasn't his girlfriend even though he had her stay over at his house for the night.
  • Shout-Out: There are a lot of these in the story.
    • Word of God also confirms that there are several My Immortal shoutouts in this story, such as the part where C'ren describes the inside of the coral reef as ebony darkness and says that she's not related to Justin Bieber.
    • There is also a Linkin Park shoutout in the same chapter.
    • In the same chapter too, there is a shoutout to Eye of Argon, which may or may not be intentional.
    • Ward, who was supposed to be Squidward, is a shoutout to Final Fantasy VIII and yet another shoutout to My Immortal, considering that Lucian, a character in My Immortal who was supposed to be Lucius, is also a character in Valkyrie Profile.
    • There are shoutouts to The Sims such as SIMS and Chimps (stands for: Super Intelligent Mutant Squirrels and Chimps) Sandy's organization, and C'ren's real last name, Simovitch, which is Betty Newbie's last name. Also, the fact that she wants to control everybody's minds is a possible shoutout to The Sims, so much so that this might very well be a The Sims fanfic.
    • There is an iCarly shoutout here, when C'ren told Mr. Krabs that she will give him a Texas Wedgie if he does not hand her the formula.
    • There is a My Chemical Romance shoutout, where Mr. Krabs mentions that teenagers scare the living dolphin chirp out of him.
  • Shown Their Work: In the remake, it is depicted that the portal to the Spongebob universe is found in the deepest trenches near the Bermuda Triangle, and in fact, there are deep trenches near the Bermuda Triangle, which could possibly explain why ships disappear there. Also, C'ren now mentions something about being able to withstand water pressure in the deep seas, which wasn't considered in the original version.
  • Sirens Are Mermaids: It has been explained that C'ren has Super Not-Drowning Skills because she is a half-mermaid. Word of God explains that the fact that the common pronunciation of the name C'ren is see-ran is connected to this trope.
  • Statuesque Stunner: C'ren is 5'10.
  • Super Not-Drowning Skills: C'ren being able to somehow breathe underwater without any given explanation was something that a lot of reviewers complained about. This would've eventually been explained should the author have continued the story.
  • Take That: Against Green Day, Avenged Sevenfold, My Chemical Romance, Good Charlotte, Black Veil Brides, Slipknot, Disturbed, My Immortal, Metallica, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Evanescence, Emo, Heavy Metal, and Goth.
  • Take That, Critics!: The author's notes in this story, excluding the last few chapters, get nastier and longer.
  • Theres No Kill Like Overkill: C'ren's father was stabbed to the very death. Possibly an Avenged Sevenfold shoutout, because he died on C'ren's seventh birthday, and also, the song A Little Piece of Heaven has a zombie woman stabbing a lover who violated her.
  • Tiny Guy, Huge Girl: Plankton, who is short both in canon and in the story, and C'ren, who is 5'10. Also, Bieber and C'ren. The Monica persona has been said to be attracted to short guys, so the same is most likely true for C'ren.
  • Title Drop: Seen whenever C'ren thinks of being Justin Bieber's One Less Lonely Gurl, when Bieber sings her the song in the date, and when Ward tells C'ren about his new job as Bieber's new clarinet player.
  • Troll Fic: The author himself has already confirmed this in the last chapter.
  • Unresolved Sexual Tension: C'ren and Plankton. This gets more and more obvious as the chapters go by. There is even a line which states that C'ren programmed all the love a wife can have on Plankton's new computer wife after Pearl broke Karen with a pink baseball bat. Word of God also states that had he continued writing the Troll Fic, he would include sex scenes with C'ren and Justin Bieber in the Kelp Forest. Aside from that, he also stated that there is someone else that C'ren has feelings for, and he is strongly hinting that it's actually Plankton. Oh, and C'ren's name is pronounced Karen, so this might mean something... James revealed in a deviantART journal entry that Plankton did become part of C'ren's harem. However, there remains still the possibility that he was just fooling around because it is a Crack Fic character meme. Oh, and aside from that, James did say that C'ren did become a Dominatrix-turned-Goddess in Planktons Eye View, Chapter 1...
  • Villain Protagonist: C'ren (and, to a certain extent, Plankton) becomes this much later in the story, turning SpongeBob, Pearl, Mr. Krabs and even Fred the Fish into Hero Antagonists of sorts.
  • Void Between the Worlds: Vividly described in the remake as the interior of the coral which turns out to be a portal to Atlantis.
  • Walking Shirtless Scene: Patrick, Larry, and Fred the Fish.
  • Waxing Lyrical: Mr. Krabs complains to Pearl about teenagers using the lyrics to Teenagers by My Chemical Romance.
  • Wrench Wench: C'ren when she dismantled the engines of Justin Bieber's submarine and when she created K3N, a new computer wife for Plankton.
  • Yandere: C'ren for Bieber. Her father's true wife as well.
  • You Gotta Have Blue Hair: Ward and Plankton have light blue and dark green hair, respectively. Patrick also has pink hair. This is justified, though, because Atlantis is depicted in this story as a strange land where hair that is naturally in a color that does not occur in the land is normal.
  • Your Cheating Heart: C'ren's father cheated on his wife, and with his other woman, had C'ren. His wife found out when he decided to take C'ren with him after her biological mother died of childbirth. Because of this, he and C'ren ended up becoming horribly abused.


The Weekenders SeriesFanFic/Real LifeAnterograde Tomorrow
The Ballad Of Stoot And ArgyleFanFic/Western AnimationPlanktons Eye View
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