Recap / Birds of a Feather S8E3: The Maids of Ongar

Tracey: 'Oo was it made me apologise?

Sharon: This is different, Trace. This is a major league pisstake.

— Tracey Stubbs and Sharon Theodopolopodous complaining about Dorien making them clean a large banqueting suite.

• Date First Aired: 19/01/1998

The girls are having a bit of trouble with their "Maids of Ongar" cleaning business - namely that they need a business loan. However, Dorien has come into a small portion of the money (read: one of Marcus' offshore accounts) and is looking for an investment. As long as she's directly involved, something which Tracey refuses to allow. Thus, the sisters go to the bank to get a start-up loan. However, there is a problem - the bank manager, Martin Mann, still remembers the time their husbands robbed their bank, and refuses to give them the loan, leading to them going to Dorien for it. Dorien decides to do so - if they can impress her.

Soon, they're at the hotel, where to impress Dorien, they have to clear up the rather grubby remains of a party in a banqueting suite. Of course, the girls really don't want to do this, so they smuggle unopened then manage to manipulate a professional cleaning team into cleaning the banqueting suite for them. It seems the girls are going to get away with it until Dorien reveals that she had talked to one of the cleaners. However, Dorien still invests in their business, as they apparently showed the skills needed to run a business according to Dorien.

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Tropes in this episode:

• Alliterative Name: Martin Mann.
• Bavarian Fire Drill: Sharon and Tracey pretend to be catering managers to manipulate a group of cleaners into doing the banqueting suite for them. Despite Sharon's surprise at the name she apparently has to use, they're still convinced.
• Blackmail: Dorien threatens to tell the Inland Revenue about Marcus' off-shore bank account if he doesn't give her money.
• Blowing a Raspberry: Dorien does one to Tracey and Sharon after they refuse her offer.
• Brick Joke: The fragility of Auntie Sylvie's Victorian goblets is set up in the first scene, and when the girls try to toast with them in the final scene, they shatter.
• Clipboard of Authority: Tracey wields a clipboard as she pretends to be the Deputy Catering Manager.
• Clothing Damage: Dorien rips her clothing on her exercise machine.
• Comfort Food: Sharon claims that her liking of deep pan American hot chips, curry sauce, and a frozen Mars Bar is due to the fact that they're comfort food to her.
• Continuity Nod:
  • Mention is made of Sharon having been sick and that the doctor had revealed that she has an allergy (even if it was really her poor lifestyle).
  • Sharon briefly mentions the fact that Auntie Sylvie has passed on.
• Do You Want to Haggle?: Dorien haggles with Sharon for Auntie Sylvie's goblets.
• Flipping the Bird: Sharon uses her middle finger to copy Dorien's dust tests.
  Sharon: If she does that, I'll chin 'er.
• The Ghost:
  • Dorien's second cousin's daughter, Crystal.
  • Mrs. J. Featherstonehaugh and Mrs. Gupta, two women whose coats are stolen by Tracey and Sharon so they can impersonate her.
• Historical Character Confusion: Sharon believes that Rembrandt van Rijn was a pianist, not a painter.
• Insistent Terminology: Sharon makes a big deal out of reminding Tracey and Dorien that Auntie Sylvie had Victorian goblets, not glasses.
• Immediate Self-Contradiction: Dorien says she will remain civilised and tolerant after Tracey and Sharon refuse her offer, only for her to blow a raspberry at them once they leave her penthouse.
• Lazy Bum: Tracey claims that the things that Sharon is good at is eating and lying down and the things she's bad at are careful planning, determination and hard work.
• "L" Is for "Dyslexia": Sharon claims that "Theodopolopodous" starts with an F.
• Offscreen Crash: Tracey accidentally smashes a bottle off-screen.
• The Oldest Profession: Sharon sarcastically asks Tracey if she should whore herself out to raise money.
• One-Shot Character: Martin Mann and Peter.
• One-Steve Limit: Peter was also the name of a One-Shot Character in "Puppy Love".
• Overly Long Name: Once again, Sharon's extremely long last name is mentioned when Tracey has to break it down whilst talking to the bank over the phone.
  Tracey: Tracey Stubbs and Sharon Theodopolopodos. (Beat) Theo. Yes. Dopo. Yes. Lopo. Yes. Dos. Ms. No, not "Theodopolopodosmis". Ms! Ms!
• Pun: When Dorien talks about finding more workers for the cleaning business, she mentions they'll have to scour the neighbourhood. Tracey and Sharon aren't amused.
• Shout-Out:
  • Tracey remarks to Sharon that the only way they'd have something worth selling is if their house's previous owners had left a Rembrandt van Rijn in the attic.
    Sharon: 'Ow would they get a piano up there?
  • Crystal had a friend who used to cut for Vivienne Westwood.
  • When Dorien asks the sisters how they stole the champagne, Tracey tells her "Think Spider-Man".
• Sins of Our Fathers: Mr. Mann refuses to give the sisters a bank loan simply because they were the wives of the men who robbed his bank.
• Speak in Unison:
  • Tracey and Sharon both ask "What offer?" when they realise Dorien had been trying to help them raise money while they were arguing.
  • Tracey and Sharon both say "The Maids of Ongar" when toasting the business.
• Stocking Filler: Sharon fears that Tracey will make her wear fishnets on a street corner as a way to raise money for their business.
• Sticky Fingers: The sisters nick several bottles of champagne whilst trying to clean out the banqueting suite.
• Swiss Bank Account: Dorien manages to come across yet another one of Marcus' off-shore bank accounts, which is how she got the money needed to help the sisters. Tracey isn't pleased, however, as it means that the money isn't legit. Indeed, Dorien managed to get the money by threatening to tell the Inland Revenue.
• Take That!: Sharon would rather be Noel Edmonds' sex slave than have Dorien as her boss.
• That Came Out Wrong: Tracey accidentally asks for a "leg over" when trying to get a loan from Mr. Mann.
• The "The" Title Confusion: Officially, the title is "The Maids of Ongar", but both UKTV Play and the Network DVD release of the series give the title as simply "Maids of Ongar" without the "The".
• Title Drop: "The Maids of Ongar" is frequently name-dropped, seeing as the main plot is the sisters trying to get the business afloat.
  Dorien: A toast. The Maids of Ongar.
  Tracey/Sharon: The Maids of Ongar.
• Unfortunate Names: Martin Mann, which is embarrassing enough to the sisters that Sharon ends up laughing at it.
• [Verb] This!: Dorien frequently mentions a frock shop called "Sample This".

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