Warning: Spoilers Are Unmarked!
For the Netflix Series
Just because it's a show about wizards and werewolves duking it out over the fate of the world doesn't mean it can't be funny.
- Jack goes to his Ethics teacher for some ethical advice, Trickster Mentor is on full display.Professor Clarke: Oh, you're already wondering if you should kill the baby Hitler.
Clarke: It's a thought experiment. Sort of like the trolley question but with time travel. So, would you?
Jack: Go back in time and kill Hitler? Of course!
Clarke: You'd kill a baby? You Monster! We don't know if he's born evil, you're not gonna try and save him?
Jack: Okay, I won't.
Clarke: You won't? You won't kill Hitler? He's fucking Hitler!
Jack: Is this gonna be on the test?
- When Vera finally figures out what they're dealing with, she tasks the young wizards to learn everything they can about werewolves, specifically how to kill one.Jonas: Silver—
Vera: And God help the first one of you that says "silver bullets."
Jonas: Bull. . . Bullfrogs.
- Gets a slightly funny callback in Season Two, after Vera actually does use silver bullets to kill Salvador Grant, who is a werewolf. While admitting the "silver" part was unnecessary, but hey, why not?
- Hamish's leadership skills. When there's an argument among the Knights, he can be counted on to state dramatically "We all know there's only one way to solve this." Smash Cut to a lively game of beer pong between the dissenting parties.
- When Jack finally commits to the Knights, the next episode opens with him chugging a beer as the other werewolves chant "One of us! One of us!" They all cheer at Jack's initiation, howl, and proclaim "Now let's go kick evil's ass!" Smash Cut to three of them studying, and Jack looking bored.Jack: I thought we were going to fight evil?
Randall: And we will. . . when there's evil to fight.
Lilith: Until then, will you all please shut up so I can work on my essay?
Hamish: What are you writing about?
Lilith: The feminist metaphor of Mary Shelly's Frankenstein.
Hamish: Let me guess. The monster is a clitoris.
Lilith: (Flipping the Bird while making a face) (Beat) Yes.
- The Knights discussing how to stop the latest scheme the Order is up to:Jack (to Lilith) You can't just storm the temple on this one. That place is defended with a fuck-ton of magic spells.
Hamish: That's ten shit-tons. Impressive.
- And as they're discussing this, they're having Jack use magic to refill their beer pitcher, because none of them want to go to the crowded bar. Lilith is opposed to it. . . but not enough to go to the bar herself and get the pitcher refilled.
- Gabrielle gets tasked to uncover what's behind the Order's werewolf problems. She recruits fellow Acolyte Brandon to help. After questioning him with a glove that burns your soul if you lie, she knows she can trust him to help.Gabrielle: (very menacingly) We're going to cleanse the Order of liars, and traitors, and werewolves.
Brandon: (terrified) Oh my.
- The lead up to a Bar Brawl with the Knights. Lilith is explaining some show, talking with her hands, and accidentally slaps an ornery, unkempt "tough guy" on the butt.Lilith: (pointing to Hamish) It was him.
Hamish: (gives a "'Sup" nod)
Tough Guy: (not fooled) Keep your hands to yourself, bitch.
Lilith: Oh, I'm the bitch? You're gonna look real cute when I turn that wallet chain into a leash and make you roll over.
Hamish: (finishing his drink and standing) Hey, hey. Let's all take a breath. You know, there's only one way this plays out. She insults you, then I try to talk everyone down, but you get insulted by something I say and threaten me. Then she'll insult you again, and you'll do something stupid like swing at me. She punches you, your pals step up (as his pals are stepping up) the whole place jumps off, and then someone calls the cops. So, what if. . . instead of all that, we buy you guys a round and call it a night?
Tough Guy: Call me stupid again, dumbass.
Lilith: You know, aggression is the sign of a micropenis.
(Tough Guy swings at Hamish, and Bar Brawl ensues, exactly as Hamish described. As it continues, Randall leaves with the hot girl he'd "rescued" from Tough Guy's advances earlier.)
- The above happened because the Knights were helping Jack through a rough patch with Alyssa. He wakes up the next morning to discover he'd drunk texted her. Egregiously. The texts appear onscreen as he scrolls up through, and they're hilarious.
- Randall is going berserk from some Order experiment, so Hamish has knocked him out and is holding him down as Alyssa tries to get the phlebotinum out. She and Lilith start mending fences over Alyssa dropping the fact the Lilith was in the Order until she got kicked out and her memory of it erased.Hamish: Are you seriously talking about your feelings right now?
Lilith: We're multitasking!
- The Knights research ways to undo the Order's Laser-Guided Amnesia so Jack can quit the Order and keep his memories. Fortunately, they have a handy test subject to hand. . . Lilith. Jack saunters up to Hamish and Randall sipping drinks (with outrageous curly straws) on the patio, and they reveal they've cracked it. When he asks if they're sure it works, a chaise-lounge falls from the upper floor of the house, and they note it's worked on Lilith, and she's "particularly enjoying the Alyssa memories." Lilith can be heard ranting from upstairs, at one point shrieking that "We braided each other's hair!" Just that image alone is priceless.
- Alyssa is worried about Jack's bizarre reaction to the Vade Maecum, and texting to see if he's alright. The text messages pop up on screen.Alyssa: Jack! I haven't heard from you. Are you OK?
Jack: Everything's fixed
Jack: Everything's FUCKED
Jack: Fixing autocorrect
- Jack reveals he knows how to beat Coventry and Vade Maecum. To gain its ultimate power, he has to complete the final sacrifice: his son. Jack corrects Alyssa; he needs to sacrifice his firstborn son.Jack: You know what we need to do to beat Coventry? Absolutely nothing.
Hamish, Randall, Alyssa: What the fuck?
- Alyssa's getting wise to the werewolves' MO.Alyssa: And how do I know you won't kill anyone else?
Hamish and Randall: We. . . promise we won't. . . kill anyone else.
Alyssa: I don't believe you.
Hamish: That's. . . probably for the best.
Randall: Yeah, we were lying.
- Jack has some very important information for the other Knights, relayed through text, obviously.Jack: Vera Stone's in the basement. Helping to save Lilith and destroy book. Don't kill her.
Randall: New phone who dis?
- Randall is making a Love Confession to Lilith as Hamish and Vera are fighting off the Order outside the Den. The heartwarming moment interspersed with the chaos of battle is Mood Whiplash comedy gold.Randall: Turns out, I would do anything for you.
(A man crashes through the window behind them, Hamish in werewolf form yanks him back out with a growl)
Vera: (shouting from outside) I said no killing!
Randall: I'm not an idiot.
Lilith: Yeah, you are. And apparently, I'm attracted to idiots.
(They share a Big Damn Kiss, and then a Man on Fire comes racing through the front door behind them)
- Jack seems to be having another half-remembered flashback. He's on a stage, a bright spotlight is on him. "Jack Morton, you have been summoned. Will you answer the call?" "I promise to give my life. . . to CHEER SQUAD!" Cue some embarrassingly bad dancing from Jack while Gabrielle is cheering him on. Of course, this was all Gabrielle's idea. . . and he did make first alternate.
- The Too Dumb to Live member of the Order who's job it is to introduce the Knights to their organisation. He's given strict instructions not to perform magic, as they're werewolves and they may detect this. He ignores his orders anyway, and performs a very small and very simple magic trick, but that's all it takes for the Knights to transform and rip him to pieces. It's his Oh, Crap!/This Is Gonna Suck reaction that really sells it.
- The Knights, freshly initiated into the Order, are doing the same things as all new Acolytes: cleaning up after the last ritual. Vera storms in, demanding that she needs the altar clean, Hamish replies they're almost done.Vera: I don't have time for "almost done," a physics student just mummified on the main concourse. Step away from the altar. Purgetur!
(the Knights gawk at the instantly clean and immaculate altar)
Randall: (shouting) Hey, when do we learn that spell?
- Lilith brews a potion to help the Knights fix their minds against any manipulation by the Order. It comes with a bit of a warning label:Lilith: (just as everyone's about to drink) Oh! And, drink it all at once, or your brain will shrivel up to the size of a raisin.
Jack: It'll what?
Hamish: Bottoms up!
- Hamish has an intense fear of ventriloquist dummies that causes him to recoil in absolute terror at the mere sight of one. It's as hilarious as it sounds.
- Hamish casually leaning to try and block Alyssa from seeing the demon the Knights summoned to steal everything from the Order.
- The demon herself acting like a bratty teenage girl who finds everything and everyone annoying.
- After the Knights decide to effectively quit being the Knight of St. Christopher and become (or return to being) the Blue Rose's Internal Affairs:Hamish: So? How do we acknowledge this momentous, life-altering event?
Randall: (snaps fingers) I got a two-for-one pizza promo.
(Jack and Hamish nod like "yeah, that'll do.")
- The behaviour of anyone who has their fear stolen by Rogwan the demon. It ranges from many simply not having a care in the world to someone throwing themselves off a roof and requesting it be caught on camera.
- Alyssa stands out as a particularly funny example. With no fear to inhibit her, she begins to do everything she has wanted to do recently but was too afraid to, including kissing Jack, backsassing Vera and socking Gabrielle across the nose for her fake relationship with Jack.
- Vera and Kepler having an authority pissing contest over the dead body of Professor Foley.Vera: (to Gabrielle) Get those three idiots (the Knights) in here now.
Kepler: You do not have the authority to command disciples anymore.
Vera: I am still Temple Magus.
Kepler: And I am head of the Gnostic Council.
Vera: (completely losing her cool) FINE, BITSY! What do you want to do?!
Kepler: (to Gabrielle) Get those wolves in here now. (grabs the bloody chains that were holding Foley) But as prisoners.
Gabrielle: (gasping in Squick as she takes the chains) Gross.
Vera: (Surrounded by Idiots sigh)
- Vera needs an ace in the hole for the upcoming vote to remove her as Acting Grand Magus. Who is the one Councilor she can turn to back her up and stall Kepler? Gnostic Councilor Ian Ziering. Later, he and Adeptus Major Jason Priestly get into a spectacularly petty argument.
- There's also the fact that when Vera's support is unraveled after it's revealed the werewolves robbed the Order, the next choice for Grand Magus is Jason. Ziering backs him only under the promise that Jason stays away from the next five Comic-Cons. And they barter back-and-forth from Ziering's initial demand of ten.
- And at the end, after he has died, Vera offers to "reward" Ian's efforts on her behalf with vast, neverending fame and fortune...only to be permanently put under a glamour to look like Jason Priestly. His Atomic F-Bomb is hilarious, and Vera's sadistic little smirk is the icing on the cake.
- And in the meta sense, it's clear Ian and Jason were having a blast playing themselves as celebrities who owe their fame, fortune, and youthful glow to a supernatural secret society.
- After a portal to the demon realm is opened inside Timber's hide locker, many lower caste demons begin to climb out. One such demon threatens Randall with a gruesome death, who ignores his threat and asks him if he knows a Lilith Bathory (who has become trapped in the demon realm.) The demon's reaction is to be slightly miffed off at the assumption that because he's a demon, surely he must know everybody down in hell. Randall apologises, then proceeds to decapitate him.