For the Netflix Series
Just because it's a show about wizards and werewolves duking it out over the fate of the world doesn't mean it can't be funny.
- When Vera finally figures out what they're dealing with, she tasks the young wizards to learn everything they can about werewolves, specifically how to kill one.
- Hamish's leadership skills. When there's an argument among the Knights, he can be counted on to state dramatically "We all know there's only one way to solve this." Smash Cut to a lively game of beer pong between the dissenting parties.
- When Jack finally commits to the Knights, the next episode opens with him chugging a beer as the other werewolves chant "One of us! One of us!" They all cheer at Jack's initiation, howl, and proclaim "Now let's go kick evil's ass!" Smash Cut to three of them studying, and Jack looking bored.
: I thought we were going to fight evil? Randall
: And we will. . . when there's evil to fight. Lilith
: Until then, will you all please shut up so I can work on my essay? Hamish
: What are you writing about? Lilith
: The feminist metaphor of Mary Shelly's Frankenstein
: Let me guess. The monster is a clitoris. Lilith
: (Flipping the Bird while making a face) (Beat) Yes.
- The Knights discussing how to stop the latest scheme the Order is up to:
Jack (to Lilith)
You can't just storm the temple on this one. That place is defended with a fuck-ton of magic spells. Hamish
: That's ten shit-tons. Impressive.
- And as they're discussing this, they're having Jack use magic to refill their beer pitcher, because none of them want to go to the crowded bar. Lilith is opposed to it. . . but not enough to go to the bar herself and get the pitcher refilled.
- Gabrielle gets tasked to uncover what's behind the Order's werewolf problems. She recruits fellow Acolyte Brandon to help. After questioning him with a glove that burns your soul if you lie, she knows she can trust him to help.
Gabrielle: (very menacingly) We're going to cleanse the Order of liars, and traitors, and werewolves.
Brandon: (terrified) Oh my.
- The lead up to a Bar Brawl with the Knights. Lilith is explaining some show, talking with her hands, and accidentally slaps an ornery, unkempt "tough guy" on the butt.
: (pointing to Hamish)
It was him. Hamish
: (gives a "'Sup" nod) Tough Guy
: (not fooled)
Keep your hands to yourself, bitch. Lilith
: Oh, I'm the bitch? You're gonna look real cute when I turn that wallet chain into a leash and make you roll over. Hamish
: (finishing his drink and standing)
Hey, hey. Let's all take a breath. You know, there's only one way this plays out. She insults you, then I try to talk everyone down, but you get insulted by something I say and threaten me. Then she'll insult you again, and you'll do something stupid like swing at me. She punches you, your pals step up (as his pals are stepping up)
the whole place jumps off, and then someone calls the cops
. So, what if. . . instead of all that, we buy you guys a round and call it a night? Tough Guy
: Call me stupid again, dumbass. Lilith
: You know, aggression is the sign of a micropenis. (Tough Guy swings at Hamish, and Bar Brawl ensues, exactly as Hamish described. As it continues, Randall leaves with the hot girl he'd "rescued" from Tough Guy's advances earlier.)
- The above happened because the Knights were helping Jack through a rough patch with Alyssa. He wakes up the next morning to discover he'd drunk texted her. Egregiously. The texts appear onscreen as he scrolls up through, and they're hilarious.
- Randall is going berserk from some Order experiment, so Hamish has knocked him out and is holding him down as Alyssa tries to get the phlebotinum out. She and Lilith start mending fences over Alyssa dropping the fact the Lilith was in the Order until she got kicked out and her memory of it erased.
Hamish: Are you seriously talking about your feelings right now?
Lilith: We're multitasking!
- The Knights research ways to undo the Order's Laser-Guided Amnesia so Jack can quit the Order and keep his memories. Fortunately, they have a handy test subject to hand. . . Lilith. Jack saunters up to Hamish and Randall sipping drinks (with outrageous curly straws) on the patio, and they reveal they've cracked it. When he asks if they're sure it works, a chaise-lounge falls from the upper floor of the house, and they note it's worked on Lilith, and she's "particularly enjoying the Alyssa memories." Lilith can be heard ranting from upstairs, at one point shrieking that "We braided each other's hair!" Just that image alone is priceless.
- Alyssa is worried about Jack's bizarre reaction to the Vade Maecum, and texting to see if he's alright. The text messages pop up on screen.
Alyssa: Jack! I haven't heard from you. Are you OK?
Jack: Everything's fixed
Jack: Everything's FUCKED
Jack: Fixing autocorrect
- Jack reveals he knows how to beat Coventry and Vade Maecum. To gain its ultimate power, he has to complete the final sacrifice: his son. Jack corrects Alyssa; he needs to sacrifice his firstborn son.
Jack: You know what we need to do to beat Coventry? Absolutely nothing.
Hamish, Randall, Alyssa: What the fuck?
- Alyssa's getting wise to the werewolves' MO.
Alyssa: And how do I know you won't kill anyone else?
Hamish and Randall: We. . . promise we won't. . . kill anyone else.
Alyssa: I don't believe you.
Hamish: That's. . . probably for the best.
Randall: Yeah, we were lying.
- Jack has some very important information for the other Knights, relayed through text, obviously.
: Vera Stone's in the basement. Helping to save Lilith and destroy book. Don't kill her. Randall
: New phone who dis? Jack
- Randall is making a Love Confession to Lilith as Hamish and Vera are fighting off the Order outside the Den. The heartwarming moment interspersed with the chaos of battle is Mood Whiplash comedy gold.
: Turns out, I would do anything for you. (A man crashes through the window behind them, Hamish in werewolf form yanks him back out with a growl) Vera
: (shouting from outside)
I said no killing! (Later) Randall
: I'm not an idiot. Lilith
: Yeah, you are. And apparently, I'm attracted to idiots. (They share a Big Damn Kiss, and then a Man on Fire comes racing through the front door behind them)