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Funny / The Mentalist

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  • From "Russet Potatoes" (and yes, that's actually the episode title):
    • When Daniel uses his persuasion skills on Van Pelt. Her response?
    Van Pelt: Dr. Daniel, no offense but, I've been working with Patrick Jane for nine months now. You wanna get under my skin, you're gonna have to up your game.
  • "Ring around the Rosie": At the end of the show, when the suspected psychopath starts wildly shooting a sub machine gun in the middle of a crowded party, he doesn't kill anyone(because his gun is actually filled with blanks). and then in comes Cho...
    Cho: Hey. How you doin'. You're under arrest for the attempted murder of... (gestures to the dozens of terrified guests) everybody.
  • From "Red Sky at Night:"
    Jane: New boss? I thought Hightower was boss.
    Lisbon: The boss of Hightower. The director of the entire division. I told you about him last week. Your memory's going.
    Jane: My memory is a mighty fortress, Lisbon, from which no fact ever escapes once committed. Now, when you tell me boring things, I set them free immediately. Saves overcrowding.
    Lisbon: (gives hilarious, massive eyeroll that shows exactly what she thinks of that)
  • Grace Van Pelt fiddles with the controls of a police car in "Redemption:"
    Lisbon: Van Pelt, it's not a jet plane.
  • "These aren't the droids you're looking for."
  • Rose-Coloured Glasses
    Lisbon: Go to Galton, take Van Pelt with you. (To Jane) You, go to hell, take a toothbrush.
  • Red Brick and Ivy
    Lisbon: Heh, that was funny. (imitates Jane) "Don't listen to control freaks!" (little girl voice) "Whatever you say, sir."
  • Crimson Casanova
    Suspect: I can make one phone call and your career is toast.
    Cho: That's impressive. The best I can get with one call is a pizza.
  • Jane hits on a widow at her husband's funeral, after Lisbon leaves:
    Lisbon: I'm sorry. I mistakenly treated him as a responsible adult.
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  • Heck with it, just look at this video:
  • The exchange Jane has while impersonating Rigsby on the phone to get a suspect to go to jail for punching Rigsby so that Jane could speak to him.
    Jane: Oh really. Well that says it all. I’m ex. Army and the Marine Corps suck eggs. But hey, no point in arguing over the phone let’s sort this out when I get to your location. Semper Fi sissy britches.
    • From earlier in the same episode, "Black Gold and Red Blood", Jane ends up in jail for spying on Sam and Boscoe. He ends up in a prison cell occupied by a Scary Black Man named Boo. Boo asks him what he's in for.
    Jane: Oh, eavesdropping on a state agent. You?
    Boo: They say I raped and murdered a guy. Stabbed him to death.
    Jane: Oh.
    Boo: But that's not true.
    Jane: Oh, good.
    Boo: We had consensual sex. Then I stabbed him to death.
    Jane: Okay...
    Boo: You get top bunk.
    Jane: ...I like the top bunk.
  • From "Code Red"
    Rigsby: Anything to be looking out for in particular?
    Lisbon: Oh, uh, one of them released a lethal super virus that could kill half the state of California. So I guess we're looking for someone with a prior background as an evil supervillain.
    Cho: Ok.
    Lisbon: ...That last part was a joke.
    Cho: Yeah. We get it.
  • In "Bloodshot", a rather effeminate club doorman says that Lisbon ("little miss fierce", as he calls her) can come in, but she has to "lose the backup dancer" that is Rigsby as he is "too butch". She tells him to "get lost, fluffy".
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  • The end of the plague episode, when Jane has convinced everyone they're infected.
    Lisbon: Don't you have someone you want to call?
    Jane: Not really. If I were dying, I'd call you, and you're right here.
    Lisbon: Really? Well...what would you say?
    Jane: Well, I—
    Lisbon: Wait...if you were dying? If?
  • Lisbon and Wainwright really kill it in "The Redshirt". There are this and that
  • Generally, many of Cho's Deadpan Snarker and Comically Serious moments count.
    • When Grace and Cho are staking out a highschool and Grace recalls some embarassing school memories.
    Grace: In highschool they used to call me Bracie-Gracie. What'd they call you?
    Cho: Cho.
  • When the Victim of the Week, who happens to be a lawyer, is eaten by sharks, Jane breaks out this gem:
  • Lisbon is trying on a shockingly pink bridesmaid's dress and Jane walks in on her:
    • A lot of Lisbon and Jane's moments fall under this.
    Jane: I know, you don't know whether to hit me or hu-
    *Lisbon smacks him on the shoulder.*
    Lisbon: You were a pretty cool customer. Think you can outrun a tiger?
    Jane: Don't have to. I just have to run faster than you.
    *Both start sprinting.*
  • While Jane's hallucinations in "Devil's Cherry" were mostly played deadly-serious, him trying to solve a case while quite obviously stoned still led to a few of these.
    • In particular, his conversation with his hallucinated daughter when he attempts to escape the hospital, in his car which is conveniently located right outside the ER doors.
    Jane: You're still here.
    Charlotte: You're still tripping.
    Jane: It would seem so.
    Charlotte: You really shouldn't be driving. And you especially should not be driving an ambulance.
    *Cut to show that Jane's "car" is another hallucination, and he is, in fact, in the driver's seat of an ambulance.*
  • Patrick Jane is making a list of everyone that he's met that could possibly be Red John based on a comment from Lorelei Martins that "I'm surprised you two didn't become friends the moment you shook hands with each other." Lisbon notes that she's not on the list and Patrick Jane explains this comment and says that he considers her a friend. He then gets up to his usual shenanigans and Lisbon tells him "Put me on the list! I want to be on that list!"
  • "A Price Above Rubies" has this exchange:
    Grace: What are you guys looking for? (noting Lisbon, Jane and Rigsby searching on the floor and under desks.)
    Rigsby: A diamond.
    Cho: What did he do?
    Rigsby: Hit it with a fire extinguisher.
    Cho: Of course.
  • When Rigsby and Van Pelt announce their relationship to the rest of the unit, Hilarity Ensues. Specially since Lisbon was completely clueless about the affair. Clip here.
    Jane: It's a well kept secret.
    Rigsby: Maybe you knew, but nobody else knew.
    Cho: I did. Half the building does.
    Rigsby: No they don't!
    Cho: Yes they do.
    Jane:The only one who didn't is the one glaring at you right now.
  • Jane's questioning a possible suspect in If It Bleeds, It Leads. His tone never changes from "I totally agree with you." despite what he's actually saying. The suspect isn't the brightest bulb in the box, so it takes her a minute to comprehend the fact that she's been insulted more than once. Hilarity Ensues.

    Jane: So you may be able to tell me the truth. I've asked around about her but everyone seems to want to just tell me what they think they should tell me. You know what I mean?
    Tara: Ugh. Totally. What do you want to know?
    Jane: If you were to describe Cassie in one word, what would that word be?
    Tara: (thinks) She was sleeping her way to the top...if that helps.
    Jane: Well, that's a little more than one word. But I'm intrigued. Go on.
    Tara: The minute she got here she jumped in the sack with Ed Hunt. And lately, she started seducing Ryan Kasmir. But I don't want to speak ill of the dead.
    Jane: They don't really care. They're dead.

    Jane: Lisbon! Ah, there you are. I found a real journalist to tell us the story.

    • And then the trolling becomes more overt.

    Tara: Everyone treated her like this perfect little angel.
    Jane: That must have been very frustrating.
    Tara: I had been here for 16 months before she even showed up and in all that time, Hunt and Kasmir never even gave me the time of day. But her with her East Coast Journalism degree and they were falling all over her.
    Jane: And there she was worrying about journalism and while you were throwing yourself at Hunt and Kasmir and she's the one that ends up with the anchor chair.
    Tara: Yeah. I mean no, I mean wh-what?
    Jane: Hell hath no fury like a slut outflanked.
    • It actually takes another five lines of back and forth before she realizes that she's been accused of murder.
      • Also, all of Jane's sarcastic OMG! noises during the entire conversation.
  • Cho, Van Pelt and Rigsby, the last two are now married, but she's still referred to as Van Pelt, are searching the storage space of a Red John suspect, who happens to be their boss, Gale Bertram. Rigsby just wants to make sure he's got everything clear... Apparently Cho's deadpan has infected the entire CBI team, and Deadpan Hilarity Ensues...
    Rigsby: So are we going to talk about this?
    Cho: Talk about what?
    Rigsby: Bertram is Red John.
    Van Pelt: Looks like.
    Rigsby: And if Jane finds him, he's gonna kill him?
    Cho: Yup.
    Rigsby: And we're good with that? Killing the boss?
    Van Pelt: I am.
    Cho: Yeah.
    Rigsby: Okay. Just as long as we're on the same page. Just weird is all.
  • In "Panama Red", at the end of the episode, Jane hides Lisbon's car keys inside a puzzle box he's been playing with throughout the episode. When she realizes what he's done, she opens her desk drawer, pulls out a hammer, and smashes the puzzle box open.
    Lisbon: *pulls out keys* Oh, here they are. Silly me.
    Jane: (incredulous)...You keep a hammer in your desk?
    Lisbon: You only think you know everything about me.
  • A case of Hilarious in Hindsight. In 1x02, Jane continuously beats a very frustrated Sheriff McCallister in a game of rock paper scissors. Ya know... Red John.
  • Madeline Hightower's hilarious response to Jane pointing a shotgun at her.
    Hightower: If you don't point that shotgun away from me, I swear I will use it to beat you like a rented mule.
  • Van Pelt and Rigsby go undercover on a relationship help radio show. Very little acting is involved.
    Host: Why did you break up the first time?
    Rigsby: *grumpily* You decided that the job was more important. Right? Wasn't that it?
    Van Pelt: *indignately* Yeah. Well, then you got Sarah pregnant.
    Rigsby: Yeah. After you got engaged to a maniac.
    Host: *oblivious* Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... we don't use exaggeration here. It's no help to us at all.
  • Patrick Jane buys Teresa Lisbon a pony. Also heartwarming.
    • In the second-to-last episode, when he buys a cottage for them to live in together and has her close her eyes so he can surprise her with it, she asks if he bought her another pony.
  • In the season six finale, Jane is arrested for breaking into an airport to get onto Lisbon's plane and give an Anguished Declaration of Love. After he's arrested and taking to a TSA holding room, Lisbon comes into the room, tells him she feels the same way, and they have The Big Damn Kiss... and then the TSA guard begins knocking on the window, telling them to stop.
  • In the series finale, the killer has managed to sneak close to Jane's cottage, has his weapon ready and enters the cottage... to be surprised by all the FBI agents pointing guns at him. Including Lisbon in her wedding dress.
    Lisbon: (to Jane) See? This is what happens when you tell me things!
  • Lisbon taking Cho with her to choose a wedding dress because she knows he'll 'be honest' :
    Cho: (first choice) Makes you look short. (second choice) Snow cone. (third choice) Slutty elf.

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