Funny / Dead Meat

---

• That glorious scream in James's "let's get to the numbers" segment for the Ho Yay-centric A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2: Freddy's Revenge.
• The "let's get to the numbers" segment that James does for the A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors Kill Count.
  James: In my dreams, I'm a strong boy.
• James' reaction to the stupidity that Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers opens on, starting with playing "Yakety Sax" over Michael drifting downriver and ending with:
  James So, what? This old dude just let him sleep there for a whole fucking year? What?!

Advertisement:
• James trying to dance sexily like Deborah Myers during the transition to the numbers in the Halloween (2007) Kill Count.
• In the kill count for ThanksKilling, during the segment in one of the kids' houses, James is just barely holding his own laughter and speaking through it.
  James: One shitty turkey and ten humans died in Thankskilling.
• James's reaction to the brutally high numbers in The First Purge:
  With a runtime of 97 minutes [and a body count of 133] that left us with a kill on average every... 43.76 seconds! Holy shit!
• When tallying up the numbers for Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2, the figure meant to represent Rocco is instead the silhouette of a certain cartoon wallaby. Also, the infamous "GARBAGE DAY!" victim has a trash can with his figure and James himself is dressed as Ricky is in the film during his review (including that scene).

Advertisement:
• During the Kill Count for A Bucket of Blood, James thinks it's cute that Walter tells Carla that he has feelings for her, as long as he doesn't rush into a relationship with her.
  Walter: I-I wanna get married. To you.
  James: YOU BLEW IT!
• In the Child's Play Kill Counts, we see a Chucky doll on display in the background with each ongoing film having him further and further out of the box until the end of the Cult of Chucky has him suddenly leaping at James and "attacking" him as he screams "He's killing me! He's killing me!"
• After Jigsaw's nephew gets killed after being hit by a garbage truck while riding a motorcycle with faulty breaks in Jigsaw, he cries out "If only it wasn't garbage day!"
• His disgust at Violet's death from Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning due to the poor special effects (to the point of giving it the Dull Machete award) and states that "Tom Savini is rolling in the grave he made from scratch and sleeps in every night."

Advertisement:
• Before getting to the numbers in the Freddy vs. Jason Nightmare Edition, James holds up Freddy's razored glove and delivers Jessie's girlish scream and then holds up Jason's machete and displays Reggie's ear-splitting scream.
• Right before getting to the numbers in Killer Klowns from Outer Space, he gets pied in the face by a klown (who then delivers a thumbs up after doing so) as he then yells out "KLOWNS!!"
• At the end of the Mordeo Season 1 kill count, James gets pounced on by a Mordeo. The Mordeo then proceeds to do the recap and give out the Golden Chainsaw and Dull Machete. Problem is, Mordeo are The Unintelligible, leading to the cannibal spirit just sitting there gesturing while howling.
  • Even better, the Dull Machete is given to James himself.
  • Even better, if you turn closed captions on, you actually get a translation of what the Mordeo is saying.
  The Mordeo: I'll give the Golden Chainsaw to the cannibal dude from the beginning. The way he transformed into one of my minions was FANTASTIC. I'll give the Dull Machete for lamest kill to James A. Janisse. Even after saying he doesn't like CGI blood, he goes up and USES CGI BLOOD! And he can't even be on here anyway, he's the narrator!
• The fact that James makes a Pokémon reference in You're Next during Erin's fight with Zee and Felix.
  James: Then Erin uses Splash!
  [Erin proceeds to splash Felix with a pot of now-cold water]
  James: It's not very effective.
• When commenting on Josh's death in Us, James refers it to an "awesome kill, great job!"
• Some completely random jump cuts from Final Destination 2:
  Nurse: It's a boy!
  Fisherman: A whaaat?
  Freddy Krueger: It's a booooy!
  James: Sorry, I'm just fuckin' around at this point.
• James' sudden angry, Brodie-like reaction to Janet getting her shoelace caught in an escalator in The Final Destination.
  James: You know, maybe they could stay safe if their parents had taught them to FEAR AND RESPECT THE ESCALATOR!
  • His reaction to Hunt's death: "My bum is on the drain, my bum is on the drain, the pressure keeps building and it's causing lots of pain!" Also, the shot of him being in the throes of death is the video's thumbnail.
• After one of the Crawlers is put on the tally in James' kill count of The Descent:
  James: The Crawlers may not exactly be human, but you sure can kill 'em like one; a pretty lucky break for the ladies, since humans are easily killable.
  [Juno whirls around and accidentally buries a climbing axe into Beth's throat]
  James: WHICH IS WHY YOU HAVE TO BE SO CAREFUL AROUND THEM! HOLY SHIT, JUNO! YOU JUST STABBED A SCHOOLTEACHER IN THE NECK!
• The way James's normal "Let's Get to The Numbers" line during his Kill Count for Candyman gets interrupted by a swarm of bees brings to mind a certain Nicolas Cage movie:
  James: How many people did Candyman have bee his victim? Let's find out and buzz our way to the num-
  [A swarm of bees suddenly enters his room]
  James: What is it? Was it bees?! No! Not the bees! NOT THE BEES!! AAH! AAHH!! [Attempts to chase the bees away with some flailing as he runs out of the room screaming]
• James pointing out some of Jigsaw's hypocrisy in the Saw VI Kill Count.
  Jigsaw: [After Hoffman drops Timothy Young's body] That's a human being.
  James: [Imitating him] You know, that I'm shortly about to put in my favourite torture device. The one that twists his head around.
• James' repeated mocking of Jigsaw's "I'm not a killer" mentality in the Saw III Kill Count, even mockingly going "Jigsaw despises murderers" while talking about John's "test" for Amanda.
• James' extreme annoyance at Candyman's Goth "Congregation" in Candyman: Day of the Dead. He's relieved when they summon Candyman, who ends up killing all of them in short order.
  James: Oh good, she's doing the mirror thing. This shouldn't take long.
• During the "Let's Get to The Numbers" segment for the Kill Count for The Slumber Party Massacre, Chelsea tickles James's nose to make him sneeze off-screen and James, completely unaware that she had applied whipped cream onto his hand throughout the entire video, ends up splattering it onto his face and begrudgingly walks off to do "The Numbers" with whipped cream now on his face.
• In the Home Sweet Home Kill Count: James yelling "BUSINESS!" every time a certain character talks about business and accumulating clothing (such as a monocle) to slowly turn into the Monopoly Man.
  • To make thing even better, one of the members of Neon Brainiacs, who is also a Meatie, Photoshopped BUSINESS!James' head onto the Monopoly Man's body, which got approved by James himself.
• In the Child's Play kill count, he gives Charles Lee Ray (who died unceremoniously after a shootout) the Dull Machete award via an Obligatory Joke based on his looks saying that he "did naht die well. He did naht! Oh, hai Chucky!"
• The Leprechaun Kill Count has a Shout-Out to a certain to a certain back and forth conversation Homer Simpson once had while Tori tries to get away:
  James: She finds the police car (that's good!), but then discovers the cop's corpse inside (that's bad!). Lep shows up and she sticks in the eye with a baton (that's good!), but then he rips the door off the police car, which is bad. Can she go now?
• The kill count for Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street features James gradually shaving his beard in different styles between takes. Plus the return of the "BUSINESS!" gag from Home Sweet Home.
  • In regards to the number "Not While I'm Around":
    James: You hear that, Lovett? Your own personal eighty-pound bodyguard!
• This line in the Scream 3 Kill Count after a particularly egregious reveal.
  James: ...revealing that Maureen had been in Los Angeles when she was 19 years old, unbeknownst to her family, or the audience, or the writer, back when he wrote the original.
• The way James introduces the falling firefighter scene from [REC]'s American rip-off Quarantine brings to mind a certain Weather Girls song:
  James: You know, personally, I'd be a little less concerned about the locked doors and a little more worried about the building's unusual weather pattern, 'cause It's Raining Men!
  Fletcher: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!! [Faceplants really hard onto the first floor]
  James: Hallelujah!
• When he's about to do The Numbers for the Upgrade Kill Count, STEM, who had been implanted into James's spine all the while, took over most of The Numbers and its transition, leading to these masterpieces:
  • During the transition to The Numbers:
    James: How many people got downgraded to death status? Let's find out, after another word from our sponsor- [Hears STEM in his mind]
    STEM: No more talk about sponsorships, James.
    James: Wh-What? [Suddenly gets controlled by him]
    STEM: The people want The Numbers.
    James: Er, no, but I-I need the sponsorships! I NEED TO BUY LUCY'S FOOD! [Is forced to do The Numbers by STEM]
  • At The Numbers:
    James: 15 peo-
    STEM: I will handle this.
    James: Oh, okay.
    STEM: people died in Upgrade, with 12 of the victims male and 3 of the victims female.
    James: Oh well, then I guess it's true when there's an over-representation of males when it comes to STEM, right? [Awkwardly laughs]
    STEM: With a runtime of 100 minutes, that factored out to a kill on average every 6.666666666- [Gets smacked by James to shut up] -repeating minutes. Thank you, James. You are in control.
    [James sighs in relief]
    STEM: ...for now.
    [Cue James instantly losing his smile]
    • If you look closely, you can see James moving his eyes and lightly nodding as if he is agreeing with STEM.
• During the Carrie (1976) Kill Count, as James grows bored by the minutiae of the prom, he decides to check in on Margaret at home, which is the scene where she is chopping up a carrot until she just ragefully and repeatedly chops at the now empty chopping block itself, which freaks him out so much that he immediately goes back to the dance.
  • He mocks Norma's "stupid red hat", even quipping that her head will fall off if it doesn't have it on due to how much she wears it.
• The whole I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer Kill Count is effectively James nearing the Despair Event Horizon, purely from how terrible the movie in question is.
  • The intro, which is just the phrase "This movie fucking sucks."
    • Just look at his facial expression when he does the intro. It just cries out "Why the hell am I doing this?"
  • After the first of many terrible character scenes, James takes a moment to reflect on what exactly he's covering.
    James: [Resigned] I'm really fucking covering this thing.
  • James admits that a lot of things are coming together after realizing the movie shares a director with the Slender Man movie.
  • There's also James' line when one of the main characters hugs a frog plush after being told "No Parties" by her parents.
    James: Sorry Frank the Frog, I know how you love those sex orgies.
  • The Dull Machete doesn't go to all the kills in the film, as they were the one part of the film James didn't consider terrible. Instead, it goes to every single moment of the movie that wasn't part of the Golden Chainsaw kill.
• In the Blood Quantum review: The fish in the background when it cuts to James. At one point, it even falls off the shelf.
• The get to the numbers segment for Mayhem has James have a brief Freak Out as he succumbs to the virus from the movie, doing random karate moves and punching himself in the face.
• Literally right in the beginning of his Kill Count for The Prowler, James starts off the count normally.. and then goes on a mini-rant complaining about the fact he's standing in his favorite part of the entire new Kill Count room, and will continue to do so going forward.

---