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Fanfic / Garfield: Royal Rescue

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Time to prepare for my British vacation. My only souvenir will be flaming vengeance.

Bad fanfiction is no uncommon occurrence; it litters the fields of various devoted sites all across the internet. Some, however, are so horribly, laughably bad that they gain a degree of infamy within their respective fandoms. Harry Potter has My Immortal. Death Note has Light and Dark The Adventures of Dark Yagami. For the Garfield fandom, that fic is Garfield Royal Rescue (as well as all Garfield fanfics written by the author).


Garfield Royal Rescue, written by Shakespeare Hemmingway, is a (rather short) tale in which — like with every other story the author has done so far — Garfield is retooled into a badass of epic proportions, fighting the evil... Prince William of England, to rescue his love interest, Kate Middleton. Yes, really.

What ensues is a very beige adventure that involves Garfield delivering lots of one-liners, and relieving royal guards of duty. Violently.

There is also a sequel, Garfield: Prince of Tragedy: Royal Rescue Part 2, where Prince Harry becomes the new Big Bad.



  • Action Hero: Garfield is re-imagined as one of these, having almost nothing in common with his lazy, snarky, Fat and Proud canon self.
  • Adaptational Badass: Garfield, full stop. He goes from a lazy, unathletic feline to a superpowered Action Hero.
    Rob Bricken: I can't help but wonder if the author has Garfield confused with Chuck Norris.
  • Adaptational Curves: Garfield is described as very muscular, a far cry from his flabby canon self.
  • Avenging the Villain: In Part 2, Prince Harry wants to get revenge on Garfield for killing his older brother.
  • Bar Brawl: Part 2 sees Garfield get in a fight with some angry barflies after beating them in a pool game.
  • Battle Cry: See Catchphrase.
  • Beige Prose
  • Big "WHAT?!": Harry lets one out when Jon gives Garfield a much-needed helping hand with The Power of Rock.
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  • British Royal Guards: They try to arrest Garfield when he breaks into Buckingham Palace, but fail miserably.
  • But Now I Must Go: Garfield apparently does this to Kate in between stories, as he is too wild to be bound to a life of monogamy.
  • Catchphrase: Jon's "AMAKOOOOOOOO."
  • Clock Tower: Big Ben. Which shoots lasers.
  • Damsel in Distress: Kate Middleton, and her sister Pippa in the sequel.
  • Department of Redundancy Department: "wedding place of matrimony"
  • Druid: In Part 2, Harry has a bunch of evil druids as his henchmen for some reason.
  • Felony Misdemeanor: Garfield reacts badly when he sees that there's no "lausgna".
  • Frickin' Laser Beams: Big Ben
  • Full-Name Basis: Kate Middleton, Pippa Middleton and Sarah Ferguson are always referred to as such.
  • Grievous Bottley Harm: In Part 2, an angry barfly attacks Garfield with a broken bottle.
  • Historical Villain Upgrade: This fic turns Prince William into a Bond villain-wannabe. His younger brother Harry is portrayed as being a violent lunatic.
  • Intercourse with You: "Love is Lasagna" is a song where Garfield compares his love for lasagna with his love for sex.
  • Made of Explodium: British Royal Guards, apparently.
  • Made of Iron: Garfield, to ludicrous extremes. In Part 2, he suffers far less damage than he should have from his whipping.
  • Mercy Kill: Prince Harry asks Garfield to give him one at the end of Part 2. Garfield obliges.
  • No-Sell: The first fic has Garfield deflecting Big Ben's laser simply by backhanding it.
  • The Power of Rock: In the sequel, Garfield is on the ropes until Jon Arbuckle appears on a hilltop with a lasagna guitar (really) and Garfield is recharged by his shredding.
    "The metal of your chains is no match for the metal in my veins," Garfield said with rock and roll.
  • Pre-Asskicking One-Liner: If Garfield isn't making one of these, he's probably either involved in IKEA-worthy debauchery, killing mooks, or you're simply not reading the story right.
  • Real-Person Fic: A crossover with the world of Garfield, but yes. In this case, Prince William goes through severe doses of Ron the Death Eater.
  • Said Bookism: Every dialogue tag, without exception, is in the format of "Said/[other bookism] with X".
  • Sex God: If you thought there's no way Garfield, of all characters, could be portrayed as one, you were wrong.
  • Single Tear: Prince Harry cries a bloody one while begging Garfield to finish him off.
  • Sore Loser: After Garfield beats some bar hooligans in a pool game in Part 2, they violently attack him.
  • Spiteful Spit: During his whipping, Garfield spits in Prince Harry's face.
  • Super Strength: Garfield manages to knock down the gates of Buckingham Palace with a single punch.
  • A Taste of the Lash: In Part 2, Harry has one of his druid henchmen whip a chained-up Garfield.
  • Trademark Favorite Food: This fic takes Garfield's love of lasagna Up to Eleven; he drives a car with a lasagna license plate, smokes a lasagna cigar and has recorded a chart-topping hit single called "Love is Lasagna", which seems to be comparing sex to lasagna. Also, Jon has a lasagna guitar.
  • Trollfic: Almost certainly.
  • [Verb] This!:
    • Garfield gets a letter from the British Royal Family telling him he's not invited to the wedding. His response is to shout "INVITE THIS" and tear up the letter.
    • In Part 2, a bar hooligan yells "buffet this!" shortly before attacking Garfield with a broken bottle.
  • Weaponized Landmark: See Clock Tower above.
  • Your Head A-Splode: Garfield kills a violent bar hooligan by forcing him to drink so much beer that his head explodes.

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