Time to prepare for my British vacation. My only souvenir will be flaming vengeance.
— Garfield
Garfield Royal Rescue, written by Shakespeare Hemmingway, is a rather short tale in which Garfield is retooled into a badass of epic proportions who squares off against Prince William of England in order to rescue his love interest, Kate Middleton.
What ensues is a very beige adventure that involves Garfield delivering lots of one-liners and violently relieving royal guards of duty.
There is also a sequel, Garfield: Prince of Tragedy: Royal Rescue Part 2, where Prince Harry becomes the new Big Bad.
Tropes:
- Adaptational Badass: Garfield, full stop. He's re-imagined from a lazy, unathletic feline to a superpowered Action Hero; having almost nothing in common with his canon self.
- Adaptational Curves: Garfield is described as very muscular, a far cry from his flabby canon self.
- Avenging the Villain: In Part 2, Prince Harry wants to get revenge on Garfield for killing his older brother.
- Bar Brawl: Part 2 sees Garfield get in a fight with some angry barflies after beating them in a pool game.
- Big "WHAT?!": Harry lets one out when Jon gives Garfield a much-needed helping hand with The Power of Rock.
- British Royal Guards: They try to arrest Garfield when he breaks into Buckingham Palace, but fail miserably.
- But Now I Must Go: Garfield apparently does this to Kate in between stories, as he is too wild to be bound to a life of monogamy.
- Clock Tower: Big Ben. Which shoots lasers.
- Department of Redundancy Department: "wedding place of matrimony"
- Druid: In Part 2, Harry has a bunch of evil druids as his henchmen for some reason.
- Felony Misdemeanor: Garfield reacts badly when he sees that there's no "lausgna".
- Full-Name Basis: Kate Middleton, Pippa Middleton and Sarah Ferguson are always referred to as such.
- Grievous Bottley Harm: In Part 2, an angry barfly attacks Garfield with a broken bottle.
- Historical Villain Upgrade: This fic turns Prince William into a Bond villain-wannabe. His younger brother Harry is portrayed as being a violent lunatic.
- Intercourse with You: "Love is Lasagna" is a song where Garfield compares his love for lasagna with his love for sex.
- Made of Iron: Garfield, to ludicrous extremes. In Part 2, he suffers far less damage than he should have from his whipping.
- No-Sell: The first fic has Garfield deflecting Big Ben's laser simply by backhanding it.
- The Power of Rock: In the sequel, Garfield is on the ropes until Jon Arbuckle appears on a hilltop with a lasagna guitar and Garfield is recharged by his shredding."The metal of your chains is no match for the metal in my veins," Garfield said with rock and roll.
- Pre-Asskicking One-Liner: If Garfield isn't making one of these, he's probably either involved in IKEA-worthy debauchery, killing mooks, or you're simply not reading the story right.
- Real-Person Fic: A crossover with the world of Garfield, but yes. In this case, Prince William goes through severe doses of Ron the Death Eater.
- Said Bookism: Every dialogue tag, without exception, is in the format of "Said/[other bookism] with X".
- Goes into Captain Obvious territory with Garfield saying something "with words of saying".
- Single Tear: Prince Harry cries a bloody tear while begging Garfield to finish him off.
- Sore Loser: After Garfield beats some bar hooligans in a pool game in Part 2, they violently attack him.
- Spiteful Spit: During his whipping, Garfield spits in Prince Harry's face.
- Super-Strength: Garfield manages to knock down the gates of Buckingham Palace with a single punch.
- A Taste of the Lash: In Part 2, Harry has one of his druid henchmen whip a chained-up Garfield.
- Trademark Favorite Food: This fic takes Garfield's love of lasagna up to eleven; he drives a car with a lasagna license plate, smokes a lasagna cigar and has recorded a chart-topping hit single called "Love is Lasagna", which seems to be comparing sex to lasagna. Also, Jon has a lasagna guitar.
- [Verb] This!:
- Garfield gets a letter from the British Royal Family telling him he's not invited to the wedding. His response is to shout "INVITE THIS" and tear up the letter.
- In Part 2, a bar hooligan yells "buffet this!" shortly before attacking Garfield with a broken bottle.
- Your Head A-Splode: Garfield kills a violent bar hooligan by forcing him to drink so much beer that his head explodes.