If Bella Were Sane is a hilarious parody fanfiction of The Twilight Saga, written by a Deadpan Snarker. Read it here.
What if Bella were, well, sane? What if she had an ounce of rationality in her body? What if she kept a diary? This is what would happen. After a couple of years of being a Dead Fic, the author has put up coverage of Eclipse and Breaking Dawn...
Tropes found in this fic include...
- Adaptational Intelligence: Needless to say, Bella is a lot smarter (and more sarcastic) than she was in the original books.
- And Now You Must Marry Me: The plot of Chapter 4, wherein Edward drugs Bella, drives her to Vegas, and gets them hitched while she's too out of it to fight back.
- Bishie Sparkle: Edward, but Bella takes it as a sign that he's gay. Much to her dismay, she's wrong.
- Cassandra Truth: Charlie doesn't believe Bella when she tells him that Alice kidnapped her, dragged her off to Volterra, and "rescued" Edward.
- Cloud Cuckoolander: Bella's rather loony "Aunt Stephenie", who thinks her niece getting kidnapped by some creep is somewhat "romantic".
- Cluster F-Bomb: Bella's reaction to her car breaking down just when she's trying to get away from Edward.Oh, fucking fuck. Just fan-fucking-tastic.
- Everyone Has Standards: In Chapter 4, Edward gets Bella drunk, drives her all the way to Nevada, marries her and puts a ring on her finger, but thankfully he doesn't go as far as to rape her.Luckily Edward is disturbing enough to marry a drunk girl several states away, but not wildly disturbing enough to have sex with her passed-out body.
Yaaaaaaay. - Damsel in Distress: Bella in the second chapter. Justified as she'd been dragged to Italy against her will and really had no control over the situation or any way to get home.
- Deadpan Snarker: Bella becomes one.He [Edward] also says that we shouldn't be friends. O-kay, mister bipolar weirdo, fine with me. In fact, I'll help you with that venture by staying the hell away from you as much as possible.
- Fur Against Fang: Averted; though Edward claims to be a vampire and Jacob claims to be a werewolf, no mention is ever made of the antagonism between them that was so prevalent in the Twilight canon.
- Gosh Dang It to Heck!: Averted — Bella never once says, "Holy crow".
- Hopeless Suitor: Edward to Bella. Bella finds him creepy as all hell, but he's convinced that she loves him.
- I Reject Your Reality: Edward doesn't seem to listen when Bella says she doesn't love him back, and no matter how many times she tries to tell him she doesn't, he continues to believe she does.Bella: (after Edward "sparkles" for her) But I don't love you! I don't even like you! In fact, after all this, I hate you! Are you deaf or something?
Edward: I know, my dearest snowflake, but I am too dangerous for our love to flourish! - In Spite of a Nail: Even though Bella makes it very, very clear that she sees Edward as a creepy stalker and wants nothing to do with him, he still acts like they're in love and behaves exactly as he did in the series.
- Kaleidoscope Eyes: Edward. In Bella's words:The hell? Does he have colored contacts? How many pairs do you need?
- Kissing Cousins: Bella suspects that the Cullens are this, due to the fact that they all look alike. Brother–Sister Incest can also apply.
- Leaning on the Fourth Wall: Bella's bizarre Aunt Stephenie thinks that Edward spiriting her away and marrying her while she's drunk is "almost sort of romantic".
- Love Triangle: Once again, the classic Bella/Edward/Jacob, but in this case, Edward's not really even in the equation at all.
- Mistaken for Gay: When Edward drags Bella to the meadow to show her that he sparkles in the sunlight, she thinks he's wearing body glitter and asks him why he's going to such elaborate measures to tell her that he's gay.
- Nice Girl: Despite her snarkiness, Bella is a lot nicer and less self-centered than she was in Twilight. She even expresses sympathy for Tyler when he gets hurt after almost hitting her with his van.
- Not So Above It All: Bella absolutely freaks out when she discovers she may have married Edward.
- One-Paragraph Chapter: The chapter corresponding to Eclipse is exactly two sentences long.Eclipse doesn't get a parody chapter because nothing happened in Eclipse.
Please enjoy the next chapter instead. - Only Sane Man: Bella; while every other character in the books acts much their canon counterparts, Bella has much, much more common sense than hers and for the most part reacts as such. As the title itself establishes, the fanfic takes place in an alternate continuity where Bella is "sane", in contrast to her canon counterpart who, among other things, thinks Stalking is Love.
- Papa Wolf: Charlie Swan in the end of Chapter 1. Bella relates the story of how he pulled a shotgun on Edward (not like that) and got him arrested for his creepy behavior. This gets dialed down in later chapters, though, to Bella's frustration.
- Sanity Slippage: Bella in Chapter 4, dating her journal entries as "Day Who Gives a Shit" and "Day Fuck Everything." This only gets worse when she finds out that she may have married Edward. After the marriage is annulled, she calms down.
- Stalking is Love: Averted; Bella, unlike her canon counterpart, finds it creepy.
- Stalker with a Crush: Edward, of course.
- Stations of the Canon: Edward (in fact, all of the Cullens) is oblivious to Bella's protests, so he keeps following the plot of the books even when it shouldn't logically happen.
- Take That!:
- Bella happens to have a very Mormon and very loopy aunt named Stephenie who finds Edward forcefully marrying Bella "romantic".
- The Author's reason for skipping Eclipse? Nothing happened in it.
- They Just Dont Get It: Edward just will not accept that Bella is not in love with him, absolutely despises him, and considers him a creepy stalker who she wants out of her life. To the point that when she's drunk, he puts her in his car and drives her to Las Vegas so they can get married.
- Understatement: Bella's thoughts on Edward possibly being insane.Bella: It'd totally ruin my day to be raped, killed and dumped in a trash can behind a McDonald's somewhere.
- Water Source Tampering: In Chapter 4, Bella speculates that "the water in Oregon is just spiked with crazysauce" as an explanation for everyone's deranged behavior.
- What Did I Do Last Night?: After getting drunk because Jacob dumped her, Bella wakes up in a hotel room with Edward, wearing a cheap white dress and a ring on her finger.
