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Fan Fic / If Bella Were Sane

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If Bella Were Sane is a hilarious parody fanfiction of Twilight, written by a Deadpan Snarker. Read it here.

What if Bella were, well, sane? What if she had an ounce of rationality in her body? What if she kept a diary? This is what would happen. After a couple of years of being a Dead Fic, the author has put up coverage of Eclipse and Breaking Dawn...

Tropes found in this fic include...

  • And Now You Must Marry Me: The plot of chapter four, wherein Edward drugs Bella, drives her to Vegas, and gets them hitched while she’s too out of it to fight back.
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  • Betty and Veronica: Jacob is Betty, Edward is Veronica, and Bella is Archie. However, she isn't even remotely interested in Edward.
  • Bishie Sparkle: Edward, but Bella takes it as a sign that he's gay. Much to her dismay, she's wrong.
  • Cassandra Truth: Charlie doesn't believe Bella when she tells him that Alice kidnapped her, dragged her off to Volterra, and "rescued" Edward.
  • Cloud Cuckoolander: Bella’s rather loony “Aunt Stephenie”.
  • Cluster F-Bomb: Bella's reaction to her car breaking down just when she's trying to get away from Edward.
    "Oh, fucking fuck. Just fan-fucking-tastic."
  • Dead Fic: Finally, finally, finally subverted.
  • Deadpan Snarker: Bella becomes one.
    He [Edward] also says that we shouldn't be friends. O-kay, mister bipolar weirdo, fine with me. In fact, I'll help you with that venture by staying the hell away from you as much as possible.
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  • Distressed Damsel: Bella in the second chapter. Justified as she'd been dragged to Italy against her will and really had no control over the situation or any way to get home.
  • Fur Against Fang: Averted; though Edward claims to be a vampire and Jacob claims to be a werewolf, no mention is ever made of the antagonism between them that was so prevalent in Twilight.
  • Goshdarn It To Heck: Averted—Bella never once says, "Holy crow."
  • Hopeless Suitor: Edward to Bella. Bella finds him creepy as all hell, but he's convinced that she loves him.
  • I Reject Your Reality: Edward doesn’t seem to listen when Bella says she doesn’t love him back.
    Bella: (after Edward "sparkles" for her) But I don't love you! I don't even like you! In fact, after all this, I hate you! Are you deaf or something?
    Edward: "I know, my dearest snowflake, but I am too dangerous for our love to flourish!"
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  • Kaleidoscope Eyes: Edward. In Bella's words:
    The hell? Does he have colored contacts? How many pairs do you need?
  • Kissing Cousins: Bella suspects that the Cullens are this, due to the fact that they all look alike. Brother–Sister Incest can also apply.
  • Leaning on the Fourth Wall: Bella’s bizarre Aunt Stephenie.
  • Love Triangle: Once again, the classic Bella/Edward/Jacob, but in this case, Edward's not really even in the equation at all.
  • Not So Above It All: Bella absolutely freaks out when she discovers she may have married Edward.
  • Only Sane Man: Bella.
  • Papa Wolf: Charlie Swan in the end of chapter one. Bella relates the story of how he pulled a shotgun on Edward (not like that) and got him arrested for his creepy behavior. This gets dialed down in later chapters, though, to Bella’s frustration.
  • Sanity Slippage: Bella in chapter four, dating her journal entries as "Day Who Gives a Shit" and "Day Fuck Everything." This only gets worse when she finds out that she may have married Edward. After the marriage is annulled, she calms down.
  • Spot of Tea: This is how Bella recovers from her trauma at the end of the fic.
  • Stalking Is Love: Averted—Bella finds it creepy.
  • Stalker with a Crush: Edward, of course.
  • Stations of the Canon: Edward (in fact, all of the Cullens) is oblivious to Bella's protests, so he keeps following the plot of the books even when it shouldn't logically happen.
  • Take That!: Bella happens to have a very Mormon and very loopy aunt named Stephenie who finds Edward forcefully marrying Bella "romantic.”
    • The Author's reason for skipping Eclipse? Nothing happened in it.
  • Understatement: Bella's thoughts on Edward possibly being insane.
    Bella: "It'd totally ruin my day to be raped, killed and dumped in a trash can behind a McDonald's somewhere."
  • Water Source Tampering: In chapter four, Bella speculates that “the water in Oregon is just spiked with crazysauce” as an explanation for everyone’s deranged behavior.
  • Yandere: Edward, towards Bella.

Example of: