While pretty much the entire fic is hilarious from being told from the perspective of a First-Person Smartass version of Bella, here are some gems:
Chapter 1
- "The excuses people make up for incest."
- "I really better stay away from him. He looks kind of mentally unstable. It'd totally ruin my day to be raped, killed and dumped in a trash can behind a McDonald's somewhere."
- Bella's description of Edward's eyes.Yesterday I could have sworn his eyes were yellowish (is that even a natural eye color?) and today they were pond-scum colored.
- "He also says that we shouldn't be friends. O-kay, mister bipolar weirdo, fine with me. In fact, I'll help you with that venture by staying the hell away from you as much as possible."
- When Edward drags Bella to the meadow to show her that he sparkles in the sunlight, she asks him why he's going to such elaborate measures to tell her that he's gay.
Chapter 2
- Bella's response to Edward standing in the middle of the road in the path of her truck:Oh, fucking fuck. Just fan-fucking-tastic.
Chapter 3
- Rather than adapt Eclipse, the chapter only contains these two sentences:Eclipse doesn't get a parody chapter because nothing happened in Eclipse.
Please enjoy the next chapter instead.
Chapter 4
- This paragraph:I would say that this town is crazy, except he [Jacob] doesn't even live in this town. Maybe this whole state. Maybe the water in Oregon is just spiked with the crazysauce. I've been drinking the crazysauce, too, so I guess that means I'm crazy too. Whatever. I don't even know.
- After finding out Edward dragged her off to Vegas to get hitched without her consent, Bella's next three diary entries are titled "Day Who Gives a Fuck", "Day Don't Give a Shit", and "Day Fuck Everything".
