- ESPN reporter Britt McHenry was the subject of a media frenzy in 2015 when she unleashed a verbal tirade against the employee of a towing company that had towed her vehicle from a parking lot (after illegally being parked there overnight). In her remarks, which were posted to the website LiveLeak, McHenry criticizes the towing company and specifically targets the clerk with a verbal tirade that includes multiple remarks about the employee's appearance, her social class and ability to do her job. Shortly after video footage from the exchange went public, McHenry apologized but ESPN still suspended the reporter for a week for her comments. The public was divided as to what should be McHenry's future: some say she should be allowed back on the air, some thought a bigger deal was made out of it than needed to be or thought that a double standard was being made ... while others thought she should be fired and/or made to work in a job dealing with the public, where sometimes some dissatisfied customers won't hold back in their criticism.
- This article is an extremely powerful Tranquil Fury deconstruction of an author's controversial book title of "I Wish My Kids Had Cancer: A Family Surviving the Autism Epidemic".
Mr. Alan, first let me say to you that I am sorry that your family has faced the very difficult struggle of raising two children with autism. I frankly cannot imagine how difficult that has to be for you, your wife, your extended family and friends. I am assuming it is sufficiently tough enough that you felt the need to share your story with the world in the manner in which you did. Having a child with autism was a significant concern of mine prior to the birth of my first child Alexis back in January 2006. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Mr. Alan’s story, he has written a book titled I Wish My Kids Had Cancer: A Family Surviving the Autism Epidemic. I will admit, I have not had a chance to read the book yet. I probably will not take the opportunity to read the book either. First, I have not had much time recently to do any type of pleasure reading. But more importantly, I am more than mildly offended by your chosen and blatantly ignorant title.You see Mr. Alan, until April 10, 2008, I worried about having a child with autism. I was worried about having a child with severe autism and never being able to connect. But then, on April 10, 2008 cancer knocked on our door and without an invitation took up residence in our then 27-month-old daughter Alexis. And this was not the “good” kind of cancer Mr. Alan. You know, the cancer that you must allude to in your title. The, “go to St. Jude’s, go bald, stay at Ronald McDonald House, and then live happily ever after cancer.” No Mr. Alan, this was the “your child will be dead within six to nine months from the time of diagnosis.” “There are no known treatments.” That is the type of cancer that made a life for itself in my daughter’s brain.My daughter battled each and every day for 33 months before she ultimately was stolen away from us on January 14, 2011. I watched as she took her last breath. I watched as her casket was lowered into the ground. That is the type of cancer that found my child. Still wish your kids had cancer Mr. Alan? The simple fact of the matter is that many children do not survive the diagnosis of cancer. Having your child diagnosed with cancer means that there is a very real chance that they will not live. For those who are lucky enough to be labeled survivor, the path beyond that designation is anything but pleasant. Along the road to being labeled a survivor, most of these children are pumped full of 30, 40 and 50-year-old poisons that indiscriminately destroy everything in their path. The child is left unable to eat, sleep, leave a sterile setting, or lift their head off of a pillow. Families lose their houses, jobs, marriages, friends and everything in between. I could inundate you with numbers and statistics, Mr. Alan; however, I am simply trying to demonstrate to you that you have it completely wrong when it comes to your wish that your children had cancer. Feel free to Google “childhood cancer”, or even take a few minutes to read a little on my website. Maybe I could change your mind about what you wish for your children.I am curious if this is the picture of childhood cancer that you had in mind, Mr. Alan? Many parents who hear the words “your child has cancer” have walked the same path that my family walked. In fact, I know more parents and caregivers who have lost a child to cancer than those who have had a child that survived. I am simply here to say to you, Mr. Alan, be careful what you wish for in life. You have every right to pen this book and tell the world your story. In fact, I do not support the petitions directed towards Amazon seeking to have your book removed. You have every right to have your book in the stream of commerce. And, as I said in the beginning of this piece, I have no idea what each and every day is like in your house. I have no knowledge where on the “spectrum” your children fall. I truly feel for your family. There is one fact that I do know, Mr. Alan, and that is at the end of the day, no matter how difficult your life may be, you have the opportunity to actually see your child living and breathing in your house. So, I wish my child did not have cancer. I simply wish my child were healthy. And thus, I am simply suggesting that you educate yourself about the realities of childhood cancer. For many, it is a death sentence. In the future, please do not make such offensive and uneducated statements. I ask you Mr. Alan, do you still wish your kids had cancer?
- This is the experience of some people who go through Basic Training (Boot Camp for Marines) in the armed forces of the United States, although "The Reason You Suck" Speech is only half the deal - it's the prelude to Dare to Be Badass. For recruits the effect is such: the drill sergeant has dwelt upon their inadequacies and failures at length. Can they prove him wrong?
- Once the Drill Sergeant/Instructor gives this speech and actively implements mental and physical activities designed to reinforce it, his task is then to build the recruits up with mental and physical activities and training so that they *will* prove him wrong. The Drill Sergeant Nasty in both real life and fiction tend to forget this part, though, and there is considerable debate as to whether these sorts of "breakings" truly make for the most effective soldiers.
- One punishment in Basic Training/Boot Camp/OCS is to give a "The Reason You Suck" Speech to yourself.
- The Enneagram system is generally just this.
- For judges, giving these is often part of the job:
- The judge at York Crown Court in 1971 to a defendant called Philip Mccutcheon: "I think you should give burglary up. You have a withered hand, an artificial leg and only one eye. You have been caught in Otley, Leeds, Harrogate, Norwich, Beverley, Hull and York. How can you hope to succeed? You are a rotten burglar. You are always being caught."
- This Atlanta judge who gave a child molester a life sentence had a few scathing choice words to say to the woman who let a rapist into her home and gave him access to the children, allowing them to end up in such a situation after giving the sentence.
- Judge Samuel Kent gave one of these to two lawyers in his disposition.
- Judge William G. Young gave this one to Richard Reid, the shoe bomber. Young did this as he was sentencing to life in prison in 2003.
"You are not an enemy combatant, you are a terrorist" ... "You are not a soldier in any army, you are a terrorist. To call you a soldier gives you far too much stature. (points to U.S. flag) You see that flag, Mr. Reid? That is the flag of the United States of America. That flag will be here long after you are forgotten."
- The Declaration of Independence is one big one from the thirteen British colonies over in America to King George III and the British government.
- In many ways, Charlie Chaplin's satirical film The Great Dictator was an extended "The Reason You Suck" Speech to Hitler and Nazism. Chaplin, having studied Hitler's mannerisms and speech patterns, ends the film with an impassioned Patrick Stewart Speech on the bright future of mankind.
- The French Revolution was an era that saw several of this. The popular song La Carmagnole is "The Villain Sucks" Song about Marie Antoinette and Louis XVI. The pamphlet "What is the Third Estate?" is one directed against the First Two estates telling them that the Third Estate is the true voice of France and the only ones capable and competent enough to run the nation.
- Maximilien Robespierre is a man who often invited these speeches but he usually responded back with ones of his own. When representatives tried to introduce legislation to install a defense of slavery in the French constitution so as to protect France's colonial interests. Robespierre replied instead, "Perish the colonies rather than our principles".
- British forces that liberated the Bergen-Belsen concentration camp had a pretty good one, delivered via loudspeakers to local German officials who'd been taken to witness the camp, and the captured SS troops being made to bury the dead.
"You, who represent the fathers and brothers of German youth, see before your eyes some of the sons and daughters who bear the direct responsibility for this crime. They are a small portion only. Therefore, it is more than the human soul is able to bear. But who bears the real responsibility? You, who allowed your leader to carry out this horrible madness; you, who couldn't do enough for this degenerate triumph. You, who were a part of this camp..."
- The whole process of denazification consisted of delivering carefully-worded ones to the entire German population, through the media and propaganda posters. The western Allied authorities in all sectors pounded it into the Germans that they were all responsible for what happened during the war, including the Holocaust, and that they had better repent and shape up! The plan seems to have worked, since most Germans regard No Swastikas and the atrocities of World War II as extremely Serious Business, and are willing to say, to this day, that their country as a whole were the bad guys in the war.
- To a point, anyway. There's no way around it, after all, it can go either way when you have to deprogram a population. But as a consequence this caused the Vocal Minority who still believed to become incredibly radicalised, to the point the #1 complaint by Hammerskins and DVU about the fuhrer isn't that he lost, or that he was tactically incompetent... But that they lost by being too nice. Similarly a complaint with some modern Italian fascists and Futurists. Primarily stems from the fact they buy into period propaganda, dismissing "US-taught history" as propaganda, and not believing Germany's logistical problems or the requirement for slave labour. Note: Not related at all to Holocaust denial, it instead stems from believing in Hitler's mythos that he 'saved' Germany from destruction by greedy outsiders and his military strategy and the individual soldiers of the time were invincible.
- Also, the Soviets had a much different approach. For one, their version of 'denazification' consisted largely of the expulsion and murder of large (often noble) landowners and appropriation of their property and of setting up camps where alleged Nazis were held. Some of them were Nazis, no doubt, but others were simply political prisoners. In East Germany, the people were told that they were just as much victims of the Nazis as anyone else, and were told that the West Germans were still Nazis, and the rest of the American-led first world were neo-fascists. The official name of the Berlin Wall was Anti-Fascist Security Wall. As a result, people in the east did not really begin to come to terms with the holocaust until after German re-unification.
- It's also notable that they didn't try to do this against the Japanese, in part because it could be potentially offensive against their ancestors (keep in mind that the Japanese, as many East Asian cultures, worship their ancestors) and it could make the American occupation of Japan difficult if they tried to disgrace them, since it's one of the greatest taboos of the Japanese culture. It was also that America was still too racist to be offended by Japan committing atrocities because no one expected better of the Japanese. Germany was a "civilized" western country, and so the rest of the western world were offended that one of their own would do such a thing. This did end up coming back to bite them in the ass somewhat; while most of present day Germans are the most passionate anti-Nazis imaginable, some in Japan look at war atrocities committed by their military- such as the Rape of Nanjing, the Bataan Death March, and the sadistic human experimentation of Unit 731 — and shrug them off. The historiography of the war, especially in school history textbooks (which require government approval), remains a hotly (and rather appallingly) contentious issue today. And Japan's refusal (on the part of both its government and people) to fully own up to war crimes and ongoing resistance to reparations (not to mention its generally center-right to right-wing modern politics) has seriously hampered post-war relations with South Korea, the People's Republic of China, and the Republic of China.
- The whole process of denazification consisted of delivering carefully-worded ones to the entire German population, through the media and propaganda posters. The western Allied authorities in all sectors pounded it into the Germans that they were all responsible for what happened during the war, including the Holocaust, and that they had better repent and shape up! The plan seems to have worked, since most Germans regard No Swastikas and the atrocities of World War II as extremely Serious Business, and are willing to say, to this day, that their country as a whole were the bad guys in the war.
- Radio host Alex Jones is extremely prone to giving these, to everyone and everything under the sun, although they're generally a bit hard to follow. He had one dished out to him by the father of a victim of the Colorado theater shooting.
- In 2011, after it emerged that the Vatican had conspired to shelter child sex abusers in the Irish diocese of Cloyne and had even gone so far as to interfere with the Irish Guards' investigation of the abuse, Enda Kenny, Taoiseach of the Republic of Ireland, gave the most hostile speech ever given by an Irish politician about the Mother Church in the Dáil Éireann. It was so furious, and so unprecedented in one of Europe's most Catholic nations, and so unexpected of the man who delivered it—whose party, Fine Gael, is the more traditionalist and pro-Church faction in Irish politics—that some commentators have called it "the end of Catholic Ireland". Soon after, the Vatican recalled its papal nuncio to Ireland and Ireland closed its Vatican embassy in Rome.
Kenny: For the first time in this country, a report into child sexual abuse exposes an attempt by the Holy See to frustrate an inquiry in a sovereign, democratic republic as little as three years ago, not three decades ago. And in doing so, the Cloyne report excavates the dysfunction, the disconnection, the elitism that dominate the culture of the Vatican today...I want to make it clear, as Taoiseach, that when it comes to the protection of the children of this State, the standards of conduct which the Church deems appropriate to itself, cannot and will not, be applied to the workings of democracy and civil society in this republic. Not purely, or simply, or otherwise, because children have to be, and will be, put first.
- Lucius Sergius Catilina gets one hell of a tongue-lashing from Cicero, beginning thus: "Quo usque tandem abutere, Catilina, patientia nostra? Quamdiu etiam furor iste tuus nos eludet? Quem ad finem sese effrenata iactabit audacia?". This means: "How long, Catilina, will you abuse our patience? For how long will that madness of yours mock us? To what end will your unbridled effrontery toss itself about?". And then it gets worse for Catilina...
- Cicero tended to use this tactic a fair amount in his speeches, which tended to be against someone: in Ancient Rome, "orator" meant "lawyer" (and specifically "barrister"); although most of Cicero's cases had him defending, he made his name as a prosecutor, as he was willing to take cases against powerful Senators (in no small part because the lawyer who successfully prosecuted a Senator won the defeated Senator's rank and seniority within the Senate), most famously in trials for corruption and other crimes to do with abuse of power. Saying why the opposing party really, really sucked was part of his strategy (a lengthy explanation of how Verres and his lawyer sucked for trying to game the system allowed him to end the trial after opening arguments), as well as playing up his background (by Roman standards, he was a Simple Country Lawyer, which made him popular among the "New Men" who were more and more often sitting on juries at the time).
- Cicero really hands it to Mark Antony in the Philippics, a series of speeches against him.
- Cicero's speeches against Antony were so nasty that Antony had Cicero killed and reportedly had his tongue nailed to the rostra, the platform politicians gave speeches on. Antony didn't take criticism well. Still, at least it was a moral victory for Marcus Tullius.
- Joseph Nye Welch to Senator Joseph McCarthy, during the Army-McCarthy hearings: "You've done enough. Have you no sense of decency, sir, at long last? Have you left no sense of decency?"
- Who can forget this zinger from Lloyd Bentsen to Dan Quayle in the 1988 Vice Presidential debate? It still shows up in pretty much every Top Ten list of debate zingers.
Bentsen: Senator, I served with Jack Kennedy. I knew Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy.
- Fear the wrath of Jon Stewart. CNN was so embarrassed they canceled the show.
"You guys are trying so hard to convince everybody that you're such badasses, but all you've done is highlight who the real badasses are - the kids you kidnapped. Compared to a teenager who knows that her desire for an education could get her dragged into a snake infested jungle to be sold as a bride by some demented stick-chewing cartoon villain, but still gets up and goes to class everyday, fully aware of the danger. Compared to their courage, I'd say Boko Haram is a bunch of little girls. But you know what? You don't deserve that compliment."
- Another fine Jon Stewart example would be this.
- There was also the Earth day special where he insulted Planet Earth for trying to kill the human race time and time again.
- Then there were the times where he completely demolished both Keith Olbermann and Glenn Beck. The best part? Olbermann admitted he was wrong and apologized.
- And this one, to terrorist group Boko Haram, after they committed the mass kidnapping of hundreds of Nigerian girls:
- Stephen Colbert also stood five feet from George W. Bush and tore him a new one.
"I know you think this story has no purpose other than keeping Sarah Palin’s name in the headlines for another news cycle. I know you think she has nothing to offer the national dialogue and that her speeches are just coded talking points mixed in with words picked up at random from a thesaurus. I know you think Sarah Palin is at best a self-promoting ignoramus and at worst a shameless media troll who will abuse any platform to deliver dog-whistle encouragement to a far-right base that may include possible insurrectionists. I know you think her reality show was pathetically unstatesmanlike, and at the same time, I know you believe it represents the pinnacle of her potential. And that her transparent desperation to be a celebrity so completely eclipsed her interest in public service so long ago that there would be more journalistic integrity on reporting one of the lesser Kardashians’ ass implants. I know, I know that when you arrive at the office each day you say a silent prayer that maybe—just maybe—Sarah Palin will at long last just shut up for just 10 fucking minutes. I know because I can see it in your eyes. Well guess what, Mika? That’s the gig. And it’s only January of 2011, kiddo. And you have a minimum of two more years of this ahead of you. You want to stay in this game? You dig deep. You find another gear. You show up to work every day and get your hair and makeup done. You slap on a smile, get out there on TV and repeat what Sarah Palin said on Hannity last night right into the lens. You know... news".
- Also an amazing Take That!, but Stephen's deconstruction of Sarah Palin, and her increased importance in news media after the '08 election.
- Bill Hicks did this a bunch. Most notably, at a show in Chicago when he verbally tore a heckler to pieces. Later during the show, he had a spectacular meltdown because of a bunch of other hecklers, which culminated in him yelling: "HITLER HAD THE RIGHT IDEA, HE WAS JUST AN UNDERACHIEVER!" This in the middle of a BLISTERING seven-minute rant on how the mere existence of the people he was chewing out was a valid argument in favor of exterminating the entire human race. There's been few people alive who have made such a hardcore "The Reason You Suck" Speech to a person who was standing in front of them.
- Bill Burr had an absolutely epic speech to Philadelphia after they spent the entire day booing every act before him back in 2006. The entire speech is a 12 minute rant deconstructing everything about the city, from its sports teams, perceived racism, the fact that Rocky is their hero, and anything else even remotely connected to the city, all amid Cluster F-Bomb and any other foul word you can think of. Even better is when he repeatedly tells them how much longer his act is, promising that the rest of it is just going to be more of the same. Eventually, some of the crowd starts cheering.
- "Mr. McCance, you are a douchebag."
- Adlai Stevenson destroying Soviet ambassador Valerian Zorin on the floor of the United Nations Security Council during the Cuban Missile Crisis. Includes a nice Armor-Piercing Question as well:
"Do you, Ambassador Zorin, deny that the USSR has placed and is placing medium and intermediate range missiles and sites in Cuba? Yes or no? Don't wait for the translation, yes or no?
- In the Norway Debates in Great Britain at the beginning of World War II, Roger Keyes and Leo Amery gave a pair of these to Neville Chamberlain, with Keyes (a retired naval admiral) appearing in full military dress to excoriate Chamberlain on the behalf of the military for the conduct of the Norway campaign, and Amery criticizing the lack of preparation and general lack of fighting spirit and competence in Chamberlain's government. Amery ended by quoting Oliver Cromwell: "You have sat too long here for any good you have been doing. Depart, I say, and let us have done with you. In the name of God, go." The effect of the speeches was only increased by the fact that both politicians were in the same party as Chamberlain, and the speeches are often credited as a large reason for Chamberlain's subsequent resignation. Of course David Lloyd George also made a fairly brutal speech, saying that the best thing that Chamberlain could do for the war effort was resign. Honestly, May 1940 was not a good time to be Neville Chamberlain.
- De Profundis is a long "The Reason You Suck Speech" in written form by Oscar Wilde for his ex-lover, Lord Alfred Douglas.
- David Cameron, Prime Minister of Great Britain is quite fond of these. He doled them out like candy to Gordon Brown ("You're not a leader! You're a loser!") and allegedly gave one to Barack Obama over the phone in the wake of the BP Oil Spill.
- That was probably because Obama called the company "British Petroleum" despite the company dropping that name. Cameron was not pleased to have the UK government be associated with BP's incompetence, especially by someone who (he felt) should have known better.
- FEAR THE LOUD BLADE OF ANTHONY WEINER.
- Speaking of Congressman Weiner...he himself became the target of Andrew Breitbart's own Speech, when the latter beat him to the podium to take Weiner to task. Breitbart had been the man responsible for breaking the "sexting" pics scandal—and for a while, Weiner had tried his best to paint Breitbart as a liar. Needless to say, Andrew was not amused.
- Duke University's football team bailed out of its scheduled game with Louisville, and Louisville sued Duke for breach of contract. The lawyer representing Duke made this argument in court:
"I think the Court can absolutely positively take judicial notice that Duke is probably the worst football team in Division I football. Everybody knows that. That’s no secret. The longest losing streak, the inability to ever win games. . .We certainly don’t have to go out and take six months of discovery to establish that for you. . .So the bottom line is how much discovery, if any, should anyone have to take, want to take or need to take to make the simple analysis of whether or not that was a team of similar stature? It’s judicial notice that they got beat by Utah. Maybe that’s part of the dispute – that they wish they’d played somebody weaker, like Duke which would have been an automatic W."
- Duke won the lawsuit with their lawyer making that argument.
- Making this episode Hilarious in Hindsight: Louisville will join Duke in the Atlantic Coast Conference in July 2014; however, since the schools are in separate divisions, they won't play every year.
- This is the entire point of Attack Therapy. It's extremely controversial for precisely this reason, and it's generally not a recommended form of treatment.
- General William T. Sherman is doomed to forever be vilified by the American South for his role in the American Civil War, most notably his infamous March to the Sea. Sherman, however, epically called out Southerners in his letter to the city of Atlanta, which repeatedly proclaimed his hatred for war (Sherman would often declare that "war is hell", and begged a graduating officer class at West Point to do everything in their power to never go to war), his absolute determination to end the war as quickly as possible, and the hypocrisy of the South.
I repeat then that, by the original compact of government, the United States had certain rights in Georgia, which have never been relinquished and never will be; that the South began the war by seizing forts, arsenals, mints, custom-houses, etc., etc., long before Mr. Lincoln was installed, and before the South had one jot or title of provocation. I myself have seen in Missouri, Kentucky, Tennessee, and Mississippi, hundreds and thousands of women and children fleeing from your armies and desperadoes, hungry and with bleeding feet. In Memphis, Vicksburg, and Mississippi, we fed thousands and thousands of the families of rebel soldiers left on our hands, and whom we could not see starve. Now that war comes to you, you feel very different. You deprecate its horrors, but did not feel them when you sent car-loads of soldiers and ammunition, and moulded shells and shot, to carry war into Kentucky and Tennessee, to desolate the homes of hundreds and thousands of good people who only asked to live in peace at their old homes, and under the Government of their inheritance.
You people of the South don't know what you are doing. This country will be drenched in blood, and God only knows how it will end. It is all folly, madness, a crime against civilization! You people speak so lightly of war; you don't know what you're talking about. War is a terrible thing! You mistake, too, the people of the North. They are a peaceable people but an earnest people, and they will fight, too. They are not going to let this country be destroyed without a mighty effort to save it… Besides, where are your men and appliances of war to contend against them? The North can make a steam engine, locomotive, or railway car; hardly a yard of cloth or pair of shoes can you make. You are rushing into war with one of the most powerful, ingeniously mechanical, and determined people on Earth — right at your doors. You are bound to fail. Only in your spirit and determination are you prepared for war. In all else you are totally unprepared, with a bad cause to start with. At first you will make headway, but as your limited resources begin to fail, shut out from the markets of Europe as you will be, your cause will begin to wane. If your people will but stop and think, they must see in the end that you will surely fail.
- He gave another one before the war even started, which also counts as a spot-on prediction:
- Jaycee Lee Dugard's epic calling out of her former kidnapper Phillip Garrido and his wife:
I chose not to be here today because I refuse to waste another second of my life in your presence. I've chosen to have my mom read this for me. Phillip Garrido, you are wrong. I could never say that to you before, but I have the freedom now and I am saying you are a liar and all of your so-called theories are wrong. Everything you have ever done to me has been wrong and someday I hope you can see that. What you and Nancy did was reprehensible. You always justified everything to suit yourself but the reality is and always has been that to make someone else suffer for your inability to control yourself and for you, Nancy, to facilitate his behavior and trick young girls for his pleasure is evil. There is no God in the universe that would condone your actions. To you, Phillip, I say that I have always been a thing for your own amusement. I hated every second of every day of 18 years because of you and the sexual perversion you forced on me. To you, Nancy, I have nothing to say. Both of you can save your apologies and empty words. For all the crimes you have both committed I hope you have as many sleepless nights as I did. Yes, as I think of all of those years I am angry because you stole my life and that of my family. Thankfully I am doing well now and no longer live in a nightmare. I have wonderful friends and family around me. Something you can never take from me again. You do not matter any more.
- More than once ESPN host Skip Bayless has been brought down by former and current athletes. Here's one by NFL Class Clown Chad Ochocinco (now back to his original name of Chad Johnson).
- We have a subverted one from a Nietzsche Wannabe Massachusetts English teacher.
"The sweetest joys of life, then, come only with the recognition that you're not special. Because everyone is."
- Abraham Lincoln has quote that is one to slave owners. "Those who deny freedom to others do not deserve it themselves."
- Lin Zexu, a Chinese official that was in charge of dealing with the opium addiction in China before the first opium war attempted to tell off Queen Victoria.
"By what right do they then in return use the poisonous drug to injure the Chinese people? Even though the barbarians may not necessarily intend to do us harm, yet in coveting profit to an extreme, they have no regard for injuring others. Let us ask, where is your conscience?"
- A deeply, deeply hilarious and poorly written one from a teenage girl dumping her boyfriend via e-mail, complete with dramatic reading.
YOU MAKE ME TOUCH YOUR HANDS FOR STUPID REASONS
- In October 2012, during a scandal involving the Speaker of Australia's House of Representatives, Julia Gillard (the Prime Minister) delivered a big Reason You Suck Speech towards the leader of the opposition (Tony Abbott), discussing how he said sexist, misogynistic, gender essentialist and just plain rude things, let various actions of his peers slide, and was a hypocrite on the matter.
"The leader of the opposition says that people who hold sexist views and who are misogynists are not appropriate for high office. Well, I hope the Leader of the Opposition has got a piece of paper, and he is writing out his resignation, because if he wants to know what misogyny looks like in modern Australia, he doesn't need a motion in the House of Representatives - he needs a mirror!"
- Strangely enough, this backfired, as the accusations made didn't reverse Gillard's fall and Abbott's rise in popularity leading up to the next year's election note where Abbott not only won soundly, but his remarks against Gillard didn't have a negative impact on his campaign. He then named himself Minister for Women, and his actions in both of his roles did a lot to vindicate Gillard's accusations.
- Jack London's famous poem The Scab is a brutal one of these towards strikebreakers. Whatever one's view of industrial action, it can be appreciated for its sheer malicious invective:
- After God had finished the rattlesnake, the toad, and the vampire, he had some awful substance left with which he made a scab.A scab is a two-legged animal with a corkscrew soul, a water brain, a combination backbone of jelly and glue.Where others have hearts, he carries a tumor of rotten principles.When a scab comes down the street, men turn their backs and angels weep in heaven, and the devil shuts the gates of hell to keep him out.No man (or woman) has a right to scab so long as there is a pool of water to drown his carcass in, or a rope long enough to hang his body with.Judas was a gentleman compared with a scab. For betraying his master, he had character enough to hang himself. A scab has not.Esau sold his birthright for a mess of pottage.Judas sold his Savior for thirty pieces of silver.Benedict Arnold sold his country for a promise of a commission in the British Army.The scab sells his birthright, country, his wife, his children and his fellowmen for an unfulfilled promise from his employer.Esau was a traitor to himself; Judas was a traitor to his God; Benedict Arnold was a traitor to his country.A scab is a traitor to his God, his country, his family and his class.
- Scott Creighton, founder and author of the American Everyman blog, can really dish out some of these from time to time. Of course, YMMV on whether you agree with him and what he has to say, but when he delivers one... just, wow...
- Lindsay Lohan's siblings Ali, Mike, and Dakota all tore into their father Michael after he tried to force Lindsay into rehab, without any proof of current drug use. All three basically called him a worthless human being and told him to stay out their lives.
- After the murder of Abraham Lincoln, Henrik Ibsen managed to write a true "you really suck"-poem, directed at every single atrocity done by the European powers over the better part of the nineteenth century. He actually blames the Europeans for the death of Lincoln. "The reason you suck" indeed.
- That crimson rose there whose flowers shockand frighten you here at home,our Europe supplied the grafting-stock,the West its luxuriant loam.You planted as seedling that thriving standthat reddens the shores of the West;it`s you who tied with your own fair handthe knightly sash of the martyr's bandon Abraham Lincoln's breast.
- The implication for the blame can be summed up in one term: Slave trade!
- This poem was actually censored on Norwegian television in 1978!
- Mark Kelly gave one of these to Jared Lee Loughner at his sentencing.
- 14 members of the Congressional Black Caucus of 2012 writes a letter to former Rep. Artur Davis for his opportunistic switch from Democrat to becoming Republican as he had turned his back on Barack Obama after supporting him and even called him a friend because of his loss for a Democratic Bid for Alabama Governor in 2010. Here's the source.
"We are writing to express our disdain over several recent comments you have made about the important issues facing voters in November, your total distortion of President Barack Obama’s record, and your complete flip-flop on certain core principles you once held dear. Given the magnitude of your recent transformation, we can only conclude that, rather than a true conversion, your actions are the result of a nakedly personal and political calculation or simmering anguish after failing to secure the Democratic nomination for governor of the State of Alabama in 2010."
- ESPN analyst Stephen A. Smith gave one to the New York Jets about how terrible the team was from front office to the field.
"You don't need to look in Webster's Dictionary to find out what ineptitude means. It's right there with the Jets."
As far as I’m concerned, Colin Kaepernick is irrelevant. I don’t want to hear from him again. I don’t want to hear a damn word about anything that he has to say about our nation, the issues that we have, racial injustices, needing change, etc. He comes across as a flaming hypocrite. As far as I’m concerned, I’m not interested in a damn word that he has to say. I hope he goes away. He’s lucky to be in the league right now. He’s 0-3 as a starter, completing 52 percent of his passes. He doesn’t look good at the quarterback spot. I don’t care about rust or anything else. My days of rooting for him have come to an end, and here is why. As an African-American in this country you have to be sensitive to the fact that Civil Rights legislation was passed in the mid 1960’s, ok? When we talk about the battles that have been fought, the things that have happened to people, what they’ve had to endure, the fact that folks ended up dying for the right for him to have the right to vote in this great country of ours, you have the opportunity to vote. And what exactly is voting all about? Ladies and Gentlemen, you know what voting is? Do you not understand that that’s the reason why we’re the greatest country on the planet Earth? It’s not just because of our wealth. it’s not just because of the resources that we have available to us. It’s because we have the power to change and manipulate the course not just of our lives but of generations to come because of the voice that we have through the vote to provoke change. If anybody in this country should appreciate that more, it is African-Americans. Knowing all of this and then having the audacity to kneel for the national anthem, talking about how you won’t stop until there is change that takes place, but ignore the very thing, the most poignant thing you can fathom to help facilitate that change, and you play no active role in that? It’s inexcusable. When President Obama was campaigning on behalf of Hillary Rodham Clinton and he spoke at the Congressional Black Caucus, what he said was he would consider it a personal insult to his legacy if black folks did not activate themselves within this election. And Colin Kaepernick, after all this noise that you made, even though you didn’t intend to do so by offending our military service men and women, and pointing out about how you wanted to bring attention to racial injustices and beyond in this country, to turn around and not to even take your behind to the polls to vote for a particular candidate, it is shameful, absolutely shameful. Him, of all people, because of the position he took, because of the attention he brought to the issues, the fact that you don’t even have the decency to go to the polls and activate yourself in this election as our president said is a damn shame. I don’t want to hear another word from Colin Kaepernick. It’s a waste of time. As a matter of fact, I would personally make a request to the media in this station, wherever he is, if he ain’t on that football field trying to throw another damn incomplete pass, do me a favor and make sure one thing: take the camera away from him. It means nothing. Because for him not to vote, as far as I’m concerned, everything he said meant absolutely nothing. Absolutely nothing. I don’t want to hear another damn word from him.
- Smith gave a huge one to 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick after the latter revealed he did not vote in the 2016 Presidential Election despite spending the whole season refusing to stand during the national anthem as part of his activism for black people:
- New Jersey governor Chris Christie (a Republican) gave one of these to House Republicans who refused to vote on an aid money package for the victims of Hurricane Sandy.note
- New York representative Peter King (also Republican) has another one.
- Hopefully people of all political leanings can appreciate Hunter S. Thompson's 1994 obituary for Richard Nixon as a masterpiece of invective.
Thompson: Some people will say that words like scum and rotten are wrong for Objective Journalism – which is true, but they miss the point. It was the built-in blind spots of the Objective rules and dogma that allowed Nixon to slither into the White House in the first place.
- While Geoffrey Howe resigned as Britain's Deputy Prime Minister on 1 November 1990, his subsequent resignation speech on 13 November in full view of PMQs and a packed House amounted to an extended "The Reason You Suck" Speech against Margaret Thatcher, the Prime Minister at the time. The speech was so damning, it ignited a leadership contest that ultimately led her to resign just 9 days later.
Howe: "It is rather like sending your opening batsmen to the crease, only for them to find, as the first balls are being bowled, that their bats have been broken before the game by the team captain."
- This video shows an American Indian giving one of these speeches to protestors against illegal immigrants.
- Upon seeing a few too many comments by Joan Rivers about how Adele is really fat, Australian comedian, host of The Last Leg and all round nice guy Adam Hills had this to say. And it was fantastic.
Adam: How dare you make fun of one of the best female role models on the planet for the way she looks. Adele is one of the very few women in pop music that I want my daughter to look up to – and you’re making jokes about the way she looks, when you’re so insecure about your own face, you’ve spent more money on it than the producers of Life of Pi spent on that tiger!
- The Miami New Times recently blasted MLB commissioner Bud Selig after Selig asked to the see some of the paper's record.
"So this is the guy who wants our records? Isn't he the same commissioner who in 2002 approved the complicated deal that gave Loria the Marlins, betrayed the City of Montreal, and caused Loria's partners to accuse the artful merchant of racketeering?"
- Fred Thompson gave a suavely understated one to Michael Moore in a YouTube video. Bonus points for delivering it while lounging in his office and chomping on a Cuban cigar.
- This high school student gives one to his incompetent teacher.
- In this video, Rep. Tammy Duckworth, who lost both of her legs and damaged an arm in Iraq, gives one to an IRS contractor who used his friendship with an IRS official to win contracts reserved for the businesses of service-disabled veterans.
Duckworth: Shame on you, you may not have broken any laws, we are not sure yet, you did misrepresent to the [Small Business Administration] but you certainly broke the trust of this great nation. You broke the trust of veterans. Iraq and Afghanistan veterans right now are waiting an average of 237 days for an initial disability rating and it is because people like you who are gaming the system are adding to that backlog so that young men and women who are suffering from post-traumatic stress, who are missing limbs cannot get the compensation and the help that they need.
- Sometimes given by a crime victim to the defendant (in a victim impact statement) after their conviction; this is due to by law in most places: the police have to protect the convicted from physical attacks by victims and/or their families despite their reasons to do so, but verbal attacks are allowed.
- As a matter of fact, Ohio man T.J. Lane was given the harshest punishment allowed for violent juvenile offenders in 2013: life behind bars; Lane took off his dress shirt that revealed another shirt with “killer” written on it to mock the families of the three fellow students he killed alongside three others whom were injured. Obviously, the family members of the deceased were furious and opted for this as part of their victim impact statements.
- Chief Hetman Zaxarcenko of the Zaporozhian Cossack Host wrote one to Ottoman Sultan Mehmed IV:
You Turkish Satan, brother and comrade of the damned devil and secretary to Lucifer himself! What the hell kind of knight are you? The devil [shits] and you and your army swallow [it]. You aren't fit to have the sons of Christians under you; we aren't afraid of your army, and we'll fight you on land and sea. You Babylonian busboy, Macedonian mechanic, Jerusalem beer brewer, Alexandrian goat skinner, swineherd of Upper and Lower Egypt, Armenian pig, Tatar goat, Kamenets hangman, Podolian thief, grandson of the Evil Serpent himself, and buffoon of all the world and the netherworld, fool of our God, swine's snout, mare's [asshole], butcher's dog, unbaptized brow, may the devil steam your ass! That's how the Cossacks answer you, you nasty glob of spit! You're unfit to rule true Christians. We don't know the date because we don't have a calendar, the moon is in the sky, and the year is in a book, and the day is the same with us as with you, so go kiss our [butt]!
- Here◊ is a superb painting showing the Cossacks drafting the letter.
- A four-year-old boy manages to save his mother and his sister in the Westgate mall shootings in Nairobi by telling a terrorist "you're a bad man."
- While it is over the top A sorority girl emailed her sorority sisters stating the faults she finds with them.even comes with a parody video
- The children of Marianne Theresa-Johnson Reddick gave this as obituary for her. At first, one might think something like this was ungraceful, but as one reads and hears the children's story... who could blame them since they actually suffered in her hands of abuse. They even sang, "Ding, Dong, the Witch Is Dead" as part of it.
- Barack Obama gave this to congress for failing to pass a bill on gun control.
- When Rolling Stone had the audacity to put the Boston Bomber on their cover, David Draiman had this to say:
"HOW FAR THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN,I USED TO DREAM OF MAKING THE COVER OF ROLLING STONE MAGAZINE, AS IT USED TO BE THE ULTIMATE STATEMENT OF LEGITIMACY FOR AN ASPIRING MUSICIAN AND IT MEANT THAT YOU HAD REALLY MADE IT. OVER THE PAST 5 YEARS, ROLLING STONE HAS BECOME LESS AND LESS ABOUT MUSIC, AND HAS BECOME MORE AND MORE ABOUT BULLSHIT, POP CULTURE NONSENSE. EVEN THOUGH MANY OF US MAY NOT CARE FOR IT, WE WERE ABLE TO LIVE WITH IT UNTIL THIS.YOU…DARE…TO…PUT…THE…IMAGE OF…THE…BOSTON…BOMBER…ON…THE…FUCKING…COVER…OF…YOUR…MAGAZINE!!!!????ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR ULTRA-LIBERAL, SYMPATHETIC TO A FAULT, FUCKING MINDS???YOU HAVE NOT ONLY SUCCEEDED IN BLATANTLY INSULTING AND DISHONORING THE VICTIMS AND FAMILIES WHOSE LIVES WERE FOREVER EFFECTED BY THIS RABID ANIMAL, BUT YOU HAVE NOW GLORIFIED HIS COWARDLY AND UNFORGIVABLE ACT. WHY? BECAUSE IT WILL SELL MAGAZINES? BECAUSE IT WILL CREATE CONTROVERSY? BECAUSE YOU ACTUALLY DO SYMPATHIZE WITH THIS ABHORRENT, COWARDLY, PIECE OF SHIT? YOU HAVE MADE IT ATTRACTIVE AND VALIDATED THE ACT, TO A WHOLE NEW GENERATION OF WANNA BE TERRORISTS SEEKING MARTYRDOM AND INFAMY. YOU, AND YOUR KIND ARE THE REASON WHY PEOPLE THINK THAT THEY CAN GO OUT “IN A BLAZE OF GLORY” WHILE MURDERING INNOCENTS. HONESTLY, AND I MEAN THIS FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART…GO…FUCK…YOURSELVES.THE NEXT TERRORIST/MURDERING INCIDENT, BE IT ANOTHER BOMBER, OR A MADMAN WITH AN ASSAULT RIFLE, UNLEASHING FIRE UPON A SCHOOL FULL OF CHILDREN, IS ON YOU.MAY YOUR CONSCIENCES (IF YOU EVEN HAVE THEM) WEIGH IMMEASURABLE HEAVY ON YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES. I CONDEMN THIS ACT, THIS NOTION, AND THIS WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT FUCKING RAG OF A MAGAZINE. MAY THE POWERS THAT BE HAVE MERCY UPON YOUR SOULS, BECAUSE THE NEXT TIME SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPENS, I ASSURE YOU, THE WORLD WONT.-GO TO HELL"
- Draiman would then go on to write the song "Legion of Monsters", an angry Protest Song about how media glorification of murderers is only inspiring new ones to spread new death and horror.
- Motti Ashkenazi gave one to Golda "Grandma" Meir on a protest placard after the Yom Kippur War:
Grandma, your defense minister is a failure and 3,000 of your grandchildren are dead.
- At Skepticon 4 Greta Christina gave a speech on Why Atheists Are Angry, first she noted that not all atheists are angry. Then she launched into a long list of reasons why she is.
Greta Christina: I'm angry that in Salt Lake City, 40% of homeless teenagers are gay. Most of them kids that have been kicked out of their house by their Mormon parents. (Beat) Yeah, that's some great family values you got there!
- When Delegate Emmett C. Burns wrote to the Baltimore Ravens demanding that they silence one of their players who spoke out in favour of marriage equality the Ravens organisation official declined to comment except to say the letter was received and no action would be taken. Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe, on the other hand, did comment in great detail opening by advising the Mr Burns that he should have an intern nearby in case he needed help with any of the longer words.
Chris Kluwe: It baffles me that a man such as yourself, a man who relies on that same First Amendment to pursue your own religious studies without fear of persecution from the state, could somehow justify stifling another person’s right to speech. To call that hypocritical would be to do a disservice to the word. Mindfucking obscenely hypocritical starts to approach it a little bit.
- Cambodian prime minister Sirik Matak gave one in 1975 as Cambodia, having been abandoned along with the rest of Indochina by the United States, was falling to Communism. They offered Matak asylum, but he refused and gave one of these to the entire American people. It is all the more devastating for its faultless courtesy:
I thank you very sincerely for your letter and for your offer to transport me towards freedom. I cannot, alas, leave in such a cowardly fashion. As for you and in particular for your great country, I never believed for a moment that you would have this sentiment of abandoning a people which has chosen liberty. You have refused us your protection and we can do nothing about it. You leave us and it is my wish that you and your country will find happiness under the sky. But mark it well that, if I shall die here on the spot and in my country that I love, it is too bad because we are all born and must die one day. I have only committed the mistake of believing in you, the Americans. Please accept, Excellency, my dear friend, my faithful and friendly sentiments. [Emphasis added.]
- Point of note: Secretary of state Henry Kissinger had ordered a bombardment of Cambodia in 1970 that exceeded everything dropped during the entire WWII campaign. No wonder the prime minister was pissed off.
- In his journalism, Ambrose Bierce was a master of these. Whether you were a poet who'd published a volume of bad poetry or one of the "Big Five" railroads that held California in their grip, once you were in his cross-hairs, you were in for a thorough, exquisitely phrased roasting.
- Charlie Sheen delivers one to Farrah Abraham after she released private texts they exchanged to the public (in which she kept hounding for playdates and a guest spot on his current show in even more desperate attempts to stay famous)
Hey you desperate guzzler of stagnant douche agua;I truly do not recall giving you permission to globally reveal any communication between us. Congrats on surviving your lobotomy and an even bigger congratz on the recent attempt at porn. Your daughter must be so proud.Please send my number to middle earth and if allowed, eagerly follow it into said abyss and slam the door behind you. The world will collectively sigh as the pungent memory of you vanishes into the pedestrian troposphere of lame-suck and zero-life. Oh and I'm sure they'll wave the cover charge when they see your tranny-boobs and five o'clock shadow. BYE!
- Azaelia Banks spawned two back to back from Iggy Azalea and Action Bronson both on Twitter. Iggy called her a bigot who tries to make everything about race and Action called a wannabe who goes after anyone more successful than her.
- And they both got speeches right back for being ignorant about white privilege and completely missing the point she was making about it.
- French Montana mocks Tichina Arnold, star from Martin and Everybody Hates Chris. She dresses him down, a bit. 
- Haile Selassie, emperor of Ethiopia addressed the League of Nations (that is the pre-war equivalent of the United Nations) in a truly epic "The Reason You Suck" Speech, directed towards the entire 52-nation assembly in 1936. That would be close up to the whole barking lot of independent nations of the time. He addressed the fact that the League had declined to help Ethiopia after the Italian invasion of 1935, and called them out on several broken promises. His essential message was that an international covenant was of no use at all, and that Europe would hand themselves a lot of troubles in the near future. Boy, was he right about that.
- Nigel Farage is a practitioner of this trope, even if he frequently utilizes it at potentially inappropriate times. Arguably his most famous was this assault on former European Council president Herman Van Rompuy, which rose to some relevance after Auto-Tune the News used it in their eleventh video.
Nigel Farage: What I would like to see is a grownup and sensible attitude to how we negotiate a different relationship. Now I know, I know that virtually none of you have ever done a proper job in your lives. Or worked in business, or worked in trade, or indeed ever created a job.
- He made another harsh speech to the European parliament after Brexit was ruled in his favour. He first attacked the people who never thought Brexit would succeed, and attacked the European parliament leaders for (supposedly) infringing upon the sovereignty of other nations:
- Talk show host Jeremy Kyle always condemns his guests for their faults when they appear on his show and he condemned his audience for laughing at one of his guests experience with domestic violence.
Jeremy Kyle: If this was the other way round and a woman was sat here and a bloke had locked her in her flat and she had to jump out and injure herself, you lot would not be laughing, you would be saying that he's a complete nightmare and he should be locked up and that's disgraceful but somehow if it happens to a bloke that's funny, that's not funny is it?.
- Quentin Tarantino is another pro at dishing these out. When called into a rather one-sided interview on this Channel 4 News Station, he gives a self-proclaimed movie reviewer several answers that are essentially mini-"The Reason You Suck" Speeches. Highlights include:
Tarantino: "Hey! I saw movies when I was a kid. All the movies I'm basing my movies on I saw as a kid. And yes, kids go to a movie theater and they can tell the difference [between movie violence and real violence]. Maybe you couldn't when you were a kid, but I could!"Tarantino: "I'm having a great time, making a terrific movie that people have fun seeing! Maybe not you, but you know what Jan? I don't think I made it for you."
Tarantino: "[My viewers] know where I'm coming from...[On the topic of film violence vs. real-life violence] And I have explained it. and I've even explained what you're talking about. I'm just not giving it to you."Interviewer: "Why?"Tarantino: "Because I don't want to, because I've done it already. I have explained this many times in the last twenty years; I just refuse to repeat myself over and over again because you want me to."
- This interview is another great example of what he can do if you get on his bad side.
- In the last match-day of FIFA World Cup qualifying for the 2014 tournament, Mexico looked like they were going to miss the tournament entirely, losing to Costa Rica while Panama was beating the United States. The US had already qualified and clinched the top spot in the final continental qualifying tournament, and were playing with their "B" team against Panama. Costa Rica had already qualified as well. Televisa Deportes had both matches on split-screen in Mexico when, in the final minutes, the US suddenly scored the tying goal against Panama, which would allow Mexico to advance to an intercontinental playoff with New Zealand despite their loss, TV Azteca commentator Christian Martinoli gushed praise on America for granting them a chance, then ripped into the Mexican national team for an absolutely awful qualifying cycle where they had to rely on their rivals to get anywhere, and went a pathetically bad 1–1–3 (1 win, 1 loss, and 3 draws, scoring just three goals in five matches) at home, all in the usually-supportive Estadio Azteca in Mexico City. As the US scored one more goal to outright beat Panama, he said the US had finally surpassed Mexico in soccer, and told Victor Manuel Vucetich, the Mexican team's interim manager, to get his act together or resign.note
Christian Martinoli (in English): WE LOVE YOU!!! WE LOVE YOU FOREVER AND EVER!!! OHH, GOD BLESS AMERICA!
- Dale Hansen, a sports commentator, has received quite some acclaim in regards to his powerful stances and speeches in regards to several things that occurred in the world of sports, both professional sports and otherwise. He has also gone on record and on air in regards to having a lot of bile towards the Dallas Cowboys for various decisions they've made, most especially their hiring practices. When he learned that the Dallas Cowboys hired Greg Hardy for a contract in upwards of $13 million dollars after Greg Hardy beat up his former girlfriend and Carolina kicked him off their team for it, he had words for the Cowboys coaches and executives. What followed was 3 minutes of perfectly calm verbal thrashing.
Cowboys will be paying former Carolina defensive end Greg Hardy somewhere between 11 and 13 million dollars next year if he plays every game, and there's a chance he won't. The NFL's Barney Fife will decide that, but when he does play, the defense should be better now. Hardy was a Pro Bowl player two years ago, had 15 sacks, then doesn’t play last year because he beat up his former girlfriend. Oh yeah, there is that. Just when I begin to think the Cowboys can’t possibly sink any lower, they can’t fall from grace any more than they have, they find another shovel and dig a few feet deeper. Hardy's only available because Carolina didn’t want him anymore, and only two or three other NFL teams did – funny how so many teams would pass on such a great talent, only because he beat up his former girlfriend. But your Cowboys didn't, and so many of you are so happy. I don't care how good he is, I don’t care if the Cowboys made a great deal, and I absolutely don't care about the argument so many of you make that what he does off the field just doesn't matter, if he can help you win on the field.Is there no line you won't cross? Is there no crime you won't accept? Is there no behavior you will not tolerate? The Cowboys have decided players who use illegal drugs can play. You drive drunk and kill a teammate, putting everyone on that highway at risk, there's a place on this team for you. You could rob a department store and play, and now you can beat a woman and play with a star on your helmet. Hardy's jersey is being sold at the Cowboys' online pro-shop now. You could get one for your sister or daughter and then explain to her that "Hardy beats up women, but we're cheering him now, because he's really good on game day. And game day is all that really matters to me." Your daughter will understand. But the reality is if Hardy knocks on your front door to take your daughter out for a night on the town, the man you cheer now? You would shoot his ass through the glass.The irony in this signing? Cowboys Vice President Charlotte Jones Anderson – the owner’s daughter – is on the NFL’s personal conduct policy committee. It must be quite a committee, and quite a policy. And apparently if Charlotte was ever beaten by a man, the esteemed owner would be OK with that man on his team, if he could play. Cowboys' coach Jason Garrett has been exposed. He's one of two things – he's either a fraud and hypocrite when he talks about having the right type of guys – character guys on his team, or he really has no say in this and he's simply the puppet so many of you think he is. It's one or the other, and I'll let him decide. It was Garrett's dad Jim, a former Cowboys scout, who famously said "This isn't the Boy Scouts, this is professional football." Well it's not Carolina football, Jim, they let Hardy go. The team that knows him best didn't want him anymore. But it is your son's professional football. It's the Cowboys' way now. You taught him well, Jim, you taught him well.
- Jimmy Kimmel had this to say to a hunter who illegally killed the beloved lion Cecil.
- Cleveland was for a long time the Butt-Monkey of American sports - if the city's 52-year championship drought between the Cleveland Browns' 1964 NFL championship and the Cleveland Cavaliers' 2016 NBA championship isn't quite the longest in American sports it has certainly been full of pain (see the Cavs' Ted Stepien era, Red Right 88, The Drive, The Fumble, The Shot, The Move, the '97 World Series, the '07 ALCS, The Decision). Of the three, the Browns (American football) are arguably the most pitiful and inept, as while the Indians (baseball) and Cavaliers (basketball) have at least had some measure of success in the 21st Century (with the Cavs actually breaking the drought in 2016) the Browns have been consistently awful since their re-introduction into the NFL in 1999 (only 1 playoff appearance and 2 winning seasons as of the 2015 season). The city's fans (especially Browns fans) have mostly taken their misery in stride, but after a 30-12 loss to Houston in 2011, comedian and long-time Browns fan Mike Polknote ripped into the team('s home stadium) with a mix of anger and humor that has spawned a Memetic Mutation:
- Polk: YOU ARE A FACTORY OF SADNESS!... I'll see you Sunday.
- In another video, made prior to a game against division rival Pittsburgh, he delivers one to Steelers fans—particularly Cleveland-area Steelers fans.
- Kansas City sports radio host Bob Fescoe delivered one to the Chiefs two weeks into their abysmal 2012 season:
Whose fault is it? To me the players have to play. You've got to go out there and play football and for eight quarters this season those guys have not gone out there and played football. Not one of them. They have not gone out there and 100 percent played football and it's quoted by Jamaal Charles: "We just didn't come out and play." Why not? Why didn't you come out and play? To me that's on you, as a player. Stop embarrassing yourself. You're embarrassing your mother, you're embarrassing your father and you're embarrassing the city. You're embarrassing your wife and your children. And your dog, too — and your cat! [...] You're an embarrassing train wreck to the 2.5 million people that call this metro area home. You've let down all the old ladies that are on life support rooting for you, trying to pull out another day. You give people nothing to live for. You suck. That's what you are right now. You're an embarrassing, sucking train wreck of a football team from top to bottom, but the onus to me this week is on the players. Get your ass out there and PLAY LIKE A MAN! PLAY LIKE YOU MEAN IT! PLAY LIKE YOU CARE!! [...] EVERY ONE OF YOU SUCKS! And we're tired of paying for tickets and parking and hot dogs and wasting freaking Sunday afternoons watching you play, because you're not playing hard, you're not playing like you care and you're not playing like you want to be there. And you know what, fans are going to stop coming because fans are not going to support your CRAP! We're done!
- In the 2013 season, the Kansas City Chiefs went undefeated for half of the season, and qualified for the playoffs; so this might have had an effect.
- Political party conventions can be produce brilliant invective, usually against the opposing party. A truly groundbreaking one was then-Texas treasurer and future governor Ann Richards' keynote speech at the 1988 Democratic Convention, in which she accused the Republican administration, and George Bush Sr. especially, as being completely out of touch with the needs of working Americans.
Ann Richards: And for eight straight years George Bush hasn't displayed the slightest interest in anything we care about. And now that he's after a job that he can’t get appointed to, he's like Columbus discovering America. He's found child care. He's found education. Poor George. He can’t help it. He was born with a silver foot in his mouth.
- In the wake of the Flint water crisis, Michael Moore started to petition calling for Governor Snyder's arrest, attacking him and his associates for destroying Flint's water supply and not warning anyone about it. Moore is merciless in what should happen to Snyder.
- Michael Moore: I’m asking everyone who agrees with me to sign on to this petition and call for your arrest, Governor Snyder. You are not allowed to run amok in my hometown like you have done. The children whom you have poisoned have to endure a life of pain and lower IQ’s from your actions. You have destroyed a generation of children — and for that, you must pay. It is time for you to go to prison. Out of mercy, I’ll ask that you have in your cell your own personal Gateway computer.
- After the Orlando massacre, members of Congress called for a moment of silence. Rep. Jim Himes (D-CT), called out members for their failure to address the causes of the massacre.
Jim Himes: “We meet this tragedy week in and week out with smug, self-empowering moments of silence in the House that do absolutely nothing for anybody,”
- Minister Johnathan Gentry went on an epic rant against the rioters who burned down Ferguson, MO in the wake of Michael Brown's murder and by extension attacked African-Americans who create crime in their own neighborhood.
- Mother and Navy veteran Peggy Hubbard posted a similar rant directed towards Black Lives Matter for not focusing enough on victims of black on black crimes.
- In the midst of a sex scandal in the Australian Army, Lt. General David Morrison, in a textbook example example of Tranquil Fury released a video stating his opinion regarding the personnel who engaged in, encouraged, or ignored the problem of belittling women in the military.
On all operations, female soldiers and officers have proven themselves worthy of the best traditions of the Australian Army. They are vital to us, maintaining our capability now, and in to the future. If that does not suit you... Then. Get. Out. You may find another employer where your attitude and behaviour is acceptable, but I doubt it.
- Henry Rollins dishes these out a lot. If you ever get the chance to talk to him, whatever you do, don't approach the conversation the way this poor kid did.
- Not Always Right has a lot of examples of idiot customers getting this with both barrels.
- Fox News commentator Andy Levy gave one of these to Chris Brown and his fans regarding his abuse of Rihanna, in the form of a fake apology:
Andy Levy: I want to talk about something that happened on Tuesday night. About 8 o’clock here on the east coast R&B singer Chris Brown tweeted, “No more planking for me unless it’s on a sexy lady. Lol.” So I saw this tweet and I retweeted it adding, “You spelled “punching” wrong.” Obviously in reference to that fact that Brown was arrested in 2009 for assaulting his then girlfriend Rihanna.
But now in the light of day, I’d like to apologize to Chris Brown and to his fans that are known as ‘Team Breezy.’ To Mr. Brown, I apologize for referencing the fact that you beat the crap out of Rihanna. It was disrespectful of me to draw attention to the fact that you put your girlfriend in the hospital. And further, it was not my place to make people remember that you beat a woman with your fists, leaving her with multiple facial contusions, a bloody nose, and a split lip. I know that now.
I also appreciate the fact that you tweeted me, letting me know that children conduct themselves better than I do. You are correct, and I could only hope to one day mature to the point where I can conduct myself in a more adult manner. Possibly by throwing a chair out of a window and storming out of a building with my shirt off. I ask only for your patience.
To Team Breezy I would also like to say that I’m sorry. Thank you for your thousands of tweets which taught me a lot about the creative possibilities of spelling, grammar, and syntax. Possibilities I couldn’t even imagine before last night. In particular I’d like to thank the female members of Team Breezy, who have taught me that as long as you can sing, you can beat the living hell out of a woman and other women will still love you.
And lastly, I apologize to everyone for using Twitter to subtly address the fact that I think it’s disgusting that a guy who put his girlfriend can, a mere two years later, be warmly welcomed back into society and appear on shows such as Saturday Night Live, as if everything he did magically never happened. It won’t happen again.
- This epic (and scathing) response letter of a law professor to an anonymous student letter in regards to a 'Black lives Matter' tee-shirt the professor was wearing in class one day. 
- After his daughter wrote a pretty poorly-written one of these to him, Tommy Jordan decided to set the record straight for her.
- Dr. Richard Quinn, a Business professor at the University of Central Florida, makes this into a lecture to his entire class when a cheating scandal erupts.
- Following the infamous "underarm incident" in a 1981 Australia vs New Zealand Cricket match (see Loophole Abuse: Real Life Sports for details), commentator and former Australian captain Richie Benaud gave one to the Australian team, and in particular captain Greg Chappell, before signing off from the broadcast:
"Let me just tell you what I think about it: I think it was a disgraceful performance from a captain who got his sums wrong today, and I think it should never be permitted to happen again. We keep reading and hearing that the players are under a lot of pressure, and that they're tired and jaded and perhaps their judgment and their skill is blunted. Well, perhaps they might advance that as an excuse for what happened out there today. Not with me, they don't. I think it was a very poor performance, one of the worst things I have ever seen done on a cricket field. Good night."
- The Australian newspaper wrote to all Australian Members of Parliament, demanding to know where they stood on Section 18C of the Racial Discrimination Act, forbidding people to "offend, insult, humiliate or intimidate" on the basis of race. Curiously, they neglected to publish Greens senator Nick McKim's response:
An open letter to The Australian, regarding their coverage of the 18C debate.
I write to you from a bunker in Tasmania, too afraid to step outside my door as a 50-something white man of some means, worried that the Human Rights Commission will see me and bundle me in a van.
Presumably they will issue me with several 18C lawsuits and wrap me and my family in red, or heaven forfend, green tape. Maybe they’ll even make me Not Say Really Racist Things.
But seriously, being a straight white bloke in Australia certainly isn’t getting any more difficult. Not that this fact is often made clear in your newspaper, especially in your coverage of Section 18C of the Racial Discrimination Act. Which is why I’m writing to you today.
Honestly. Give it a rest.
Crikey recently calculated that your newspaper has dedicated around 135,000 words to this topic. Bill Leak has managed to draw 20 cartoons about himself.
Were one to read those 135,000 words aloud, it would take more than 17 hours to get through them.
That’s longer than the duration of a flight from Sydney to Dallas/Fort Worth. Imagine someone banging on about the same topic for an entire long-haul flight. That’s how tedious it is to pick up a copy of The Australian these days.
Your newspaper is now that drunk uncle at Christmas lunch who no one wants to talk to because he gives unsolicited opinions about ‘New Australians’ and ‘women these days’.
Interestingly, 18C has not led to the mass incarceration of racist uncles. Perhaps you should ponder that conundrum when you’re tucking into your Christmas lunch.
Maybe, just maybe, you could deploy your newspaper’s considerable resources and very capable journalists into more coverage of other issues.
Here are a few suggestions:
- How 2016 is likely to be the warmest year on record and what that means for Australia
- What to do about rising inequality
- How we could better treat asylum seekers and refugees who have sought Australia’s protection
- The need for more investment in productive infrastructure
But it’s not just the volume of words that prompted me to write this response.
Your coverage of this issue has been biased and self-serving.
The sheer vituperation and malice with which you’ve attacked your imagined opponents in this debate, particularly Gillian Triggs, has been shameful.
You have used your editorial columns as a bully pulpit.
Indeed, your newspaper’s previously admirable coverage of indigenous affairs has been literally whitewashed by a bunch of blokes who seemingly just want to use racist slurs without consequence.
You have cherry-picked a few cases to pretend that freedom of speech has disappeared, and that yours is the sole voice of reason in a world gone mad.
If you were actually the warriors for freedom of speech that you have styled yourself as, you’d be campaigning for a Bill of Rights, defamation reform, abolishing the secrecy provisions of the Border Force Act, and banning SLAPP suits (strategic lawsuits against public participation).
Instead, the continuing presence of Bill Leak at your paper, not to mention your publication of the frightening eugenicist views of Gary Johns, make it clear that freedom of speech on race issues is under no serious threat at Holt Street, Surry Hills, or anywhere else in the country.
If you doubt this, spend a few minutes checking out the comments on one of Pauline Hanson’s Facebook posts.
- Elizabeth Warren eviscerated Wells Fargo CEO John Stumpf for not being accountable through one of the biggest year-long scams in banking history and firing lower-level employees involved instead of the executives and himself showing responsibility. See for yourself.
Warren: Since this massive years-long scam came to light, you have said repeatedly: "I am accountable." But what have you actually done to hold yourself accountable? Have you resigned as CEO or chairman of Wells Fargo?
Warren: If one of your tellers took a handful of $20 bills out of the cash drawer, they probably would be looking at criminal charges for theft. They could end up in prison. But you squeezed your employees to the breaking point so they would cheat customers and you could drive up the value of your stock and put hundreds of millions of dollars in your own pocket. And when it all blew up, you kept your job, you kept your multi-million dollar bonuses and you went on television to blame thousands of $12 an hour employees who were just trying to meet cross-sell quotas that made you rich. This is about accountability. You should resign. You should give back the money that you took while this scam was going on and you should be criminally investigated by both the Department of Justice and the Securities and Exchange Commission. This just isn't right. A cashier who steals a handful of twenties is held accountable. But Wall Street executives who almost never hold themselves accountable.
- She kept going:
- In the wake of Kristallnacht, Aboriginal Australian political activist William Cooper delivered a petition condemning the persecution of Jews in Nazi Germany to the German consulate in Melbourne.
- After being asked about "Fake News" articles about him, Denzel Washington had this to say about the media.
- Adult film actress Mercedes Carrera give this kind of speech to feminists who didn't speak up for victims of rape like fellow adult actress Cytherea after she was assaulted and raped during a home invasion and her attempts to speak about it to them being ignored as well as to followers of said feminists for not focusing on such an horrific event.
- The article "Farewell, My Unlovely" by Caskie Stinnett is essentially this trope to the entire city of New York; written in 1976 at the height of New York's status as The Big Rotten Apple, it argues that the worst elements of New York City at the time aren't the crime, or the dirt, or the sleaze (since those can be found in any city, to even worse degrees at times), but the hard-hearted, mean, cold, cruel, arrogant and selfish attitudes of the people who live there.
- In this Tumblr post, pro-choice user desliz tears into anti-abortion user speakfortheweak and the entire anti-abortion movement for claiming to defend women and children, but not actually taking actions to improve the lives of women in poverty or make life easier for children who have already been born.
desliz: Let me tell you some things.I used to investigate child abuse and neglect. I can tell you how to stop the vast majority of abortion in the world.First, make knowledge and access to contraception widely available. Start teaching kids before they hit puberty. Teach them about domestic violence and coercion, and teach them not to coerce and rape. Create a strong, loving community where women and girls feel safe and supported in times of need. Because guess what? They aren’t. You know what happens to babies born under such circumstances? They get hurt, unnecessarily. They get sick, unnecessarily. They get removed from parents who love them but who are unprepared for the burden of a child. Resources? Honey, we try. There aren’t enough resources anywhere. There are waiting lists, and promises, and maybes. If the government itself can’t hook people up, what makes you think an impoverished single mom can handle it?Abolish poverty. Do you have any idea how much childcare costs? Daycare can cost as much or more than monthly rent. They may be inadequately staffed. Getting a private nanny is a nice idea, but they don’t come cheap either. Relatives? Do they own a car? Does the bus run at the right times? Do they have jobs of their own they need to work just to keep the lights on? Are they going to stick around until you get off you convenience store shift at 4 AM? Do they have criminal histories that will make them unsuitable as caregivers when CPS pokes around? You gonna pay for that? Who’s going to pay for that?End rape. I know your type errs on the side of blaming the woman, but I’ve seen little girls who’ve barely gotten their periods pregnant because somebody thought raping preteens was an awesome idea. You want to put a child through that? Or someone with a mental or physical inability for whom pregnancy would be frightening, painful or even life-threatening? I’ve seen nonverbal kids who had their feet sliced up by caregivers for no fucking reason at all, you think sexual abuse doesn’t happen either?You say there’s lots of couples who want to adopt. Kiddo, what they want to adopt are healthy white babies, preferably untainted by the wombs and genetics of women with alcohol or drug dependencies. I’ve seen the kids they don’t want, who almost no one wants. You people focus only on the happy pink babies, the gigglers, the ones who grow and grow with no trouble. Those are not the kids who linger in foster care. Those are certainly not the older kids and teenagers who age out of foster care and then are thrown out in the streets, usually with an array of medical and mental health issues. Are they too old to count?And yeah, I’ve seen the babies, little hand-sized things barely clinging to life. There’s no glory, no wonder there. There is no wonder in a pregnant woman with five dollars to her name, so deep in depression you wonder if she’ll be alive in a week. Therapy costs money. Medicine costs money. Food, clothes, electricity cost money. Government assistance is a pittance; poverty drives women and girls into situations where they are forced to rely on people who abuse them to survive. (I’ve been up in more hospitals than I can count.)In each and every dark pit of desperation, I have never seen a pro-lifer. I ain’t never seen them babysitting, scrubbing floors, bringing over goods, handing mom $50 bucks a month or driving her to the pediatrician. I ain’t never seen them sitting up for hours with an autistic child who screams and rages so his mother can get some sleep while she rests up from working 14-hour days. I don’t see them fixing leaks in rundown houses or playing with a kid while the police prepare to interview her about her sexual abuse. They’re not paying for the funerals of babies and children who died after birth, when they truly do become independent organisms. And the crazy thing is they think they’ve already done their job, because the child was born!Aphids give birth, girl. It’s no miracle. You want to speak for the weak? Get off your high horse and get your hands dirty helping the poor, the isolated, the ill and mentally ill women and mothers and their children who already breathe the dirty air. You are doing nothing, absolutely nothing, for children. You don’t have a flea’s comprehension of injustice. You are not doing shit for life until you get in there and fight that darkness. Until you understand that abortion is salvation in a world like ours. Does that sound too hard? Do you really think suffering post-birth is more permissible, less worthy of outrage?“Pro-life” is simply a philosophy in which the only life worth saving is the one that can be saved by punishing a woman.
- As seen in the documentary How To Survive The Plague, writer Larry Kramer famously blew up at AIDS awareness activists who fought among themselves and threatened their already fragile reputation.
"PLAGUE! We are in the middle of a fucking plague!! And you behave like this!! PLAGUE!! Forty! Million! Infected! People! Is a fucking plague! We are in the worst shape we have ever, ever, ever, ever been in! All those pills we're shovin' down our throats? Forget it! ACT UP as been taken over by a lunatic fringe, we can't get together, nobody agrees with anything, all we can do is field a couple hundred people at a demonstration... that's not gonna make anybody pay attention! Not until we get millions out there! We can't do that! All we do is pick at each other and yell at each other! And I say to you in year ten the same thing I said to you in 1981 when there were 41 cases: until we get our acts together, all of us, we are as good as dead."
- Youtuber Lovelyti 2002 does this to the Jem and the Holograms movie for wrecking her childhood memories.
- After the Charlottesville rally, Arnold Schwarzenegger gave a scathing speech towards the white supremacists who took part in the rally and to President Donald Trump for condemning both sides of the rally instead of just only the white supremacists, while also pleading to people to stand up against bigotry.
"There are not two sides to bigotry and there are not two sides to hatred. And if you choose to side with a flag that symbolizes the slaughter of millions of people, there are not two sides to that. The only way to beat the loud and angry voices of hate is to meet them with louder and more reasonable voices. That includes you, President Trump. In fact, as president of this great country, you have a moral responsibility to send an unequivocal message that you won't stand for hate and racism. Let me help you write your speech a little bit. "As president of the United States, and as a Republican, I reject the support of white supremacists. The country that defeated Hitler's armies is no place for Nazi flags. The party of Lincoln won't stand with those who carry the battle flags of the failed Confederacy." (to a Donald Trump bobblehead) Was it that difficult? See, I told you.""I have a message to the neo-Nazis, the white nationalist and the neo-Confederates. Let me be as blunt as possible: Your heroes are losers. You are supporting a lost cause. Believe me, I knew the original Nazis. I was born in Austria in 1947, shortly after the Second World War. Growing up, I was surrounded by broken men, men who came home from the war filled with shrapnel and guilt, men who were misled into a losing ideaology. And I can tell you: these ghosts that you idolize spent the rest of their lives living in shame. And right now, they're resting in hell. I know you weren't born with these hateful views. No one is. But the truth is, it's never too late to make the choices to learn, and to evolve and to understand that all human beings have equal value. If you say "Arnold, I was just at the march. Don't call me a Nazi. I have nothing to do with Nazis at all." Let me help you: Don't hang around people who carry Nazi flags, give Nazi salutes or shout Nazi slogans. Go home. Or better yet tell them they are wrong to celebrate an ideaology that murdered millions of people. And then go home. You are so lucky to live in a country that gives you every right to say horrible things. But think about how you can use that power for something good.""And to those of you who have been silent, you must also evolve. I've learned a long time ago that the only way we can really eliminate hatred, is to face it head on. It is not always comfortable, of course, but stereotypes about race, religion, gender or anything else, they're like cancer. If you had a tumour, you wouldn't quietly hope that it slowly disappears. You would zap the shit out of it with chemotherapy, cut it out, and try every experimental treatment until it was gone. This is no different. This is a difficult time for our country of course, but I know that if we have the courage to do something about it, to do the right thing, we'll come out stronger in the end. I've already donated some money to the Simon Wiesenthal Center, named after the great Nazi hunter, who I was lucky to call a friend. I hope you'll join me by supporting your favorite anti-hate organization. Let's all commit, right now, to leaving the terrible ghosts of the past in the trash heaps of history. That's where they belong."
The Reason You Suck Speech / Real Life
Oh yeah, people in Real Life have plenty reason to dish out these speeches! Note: This is not a YMMV page, so please avoid linking to YMMV pages such as Moment of Awesome, even if the speech was awesome.