"But I'm not sleepy."
"Once upon a time there was a vampire. And he was the meanest vampire in all the land. I mean, other vampires were afraid of him he was such a bastard! Then, one day, he's cursed, by gypsies. They restore his human soul and suddenly he's mad with guilt. Y'know, "what have I done, wah wah..." You know, he's freaked."
"Okay. Now I'm sleepy."
"Get a job, you lazy sow."
"Yeah. There's not actually a cure for that."
"If that was my gift, I'd return it."
[as Angel, basso] "No need, little lady. Your tears of gratitude are enough for me. You see, I was once a badass vampire, but love and a pesky curse defanged me. Now I'm just a big, fluffy puppy with bad teeth. No! Not the hair, never the hair."
[as Rachel] "But there must be some way I can show my appreciation..."
[as Angel] No! Helping those in need's my job. And working up a load of sexual tension and prancing away like a magnificent poof is truly thanks enough."
[as Rachel] "I understand. I have a nephew who's gay, so..."
[as Angel] Say no more; Evil's still afoot. And I'm almost out of that nancy-boy hair gel that I like so much. Quickly! To the Angelmobile — Away!"
"I am a detective."
"Well, you see, the thing about detectives is, they have résumés. And business licenses. And last names. Pop stars and popes — those are the one-name guys."
"You got me. I’m the pope."
Richard: In a way.
Harrie: And when were you planning on telling me?
Richard: I thought maybe I wouldn't have to.
Harrie: You were going to start our life out together with deceit?
Doyle: [to Angel] Sorta missing the point, isn't she?
"Sure. This is... um..."
"Your idea of hell."
"Actually, in hell you tend to know a lot of the people."
"I don't believe that."
"No, it's true. I was bad. Which is why I have to help people now. I'm trying to atone."
"Cordelia says you've saved the world."
"Couple times I helped. But I almost had it sucked into hell once, too."
"Still, don't you think after all this time you deserve some happiness?"
[chuckles] "That's probably not a good idea."
Angel: Yeah. I've seen a few.
Wesley: You mean the, uh, role-playing game.
Angel: Oh. Game. Right."
"What, Helen Kellerus Homicidalus?"
[pretends to jolt awake] "I'm sorry, I nodded off. Did you get to the part where you're evil?"
"Buck up. It's just a little dust."
"Oh, this isn't mere dust. This is "Son of Dust". This is the kind of dust that spawns countless generations of little baby dust. I give up."
"I suppose we'll just have to move our offices back into your apartment, then."
"And I'm dusting."
"I'll think about asking him."
"No think, pay. That's an order."
"Let's pretend for a minute that you work for me."
"Man, you are really unpleasant—"
"Okay, then let's pretend you don't."
"You can't fire me. I'm vision girl." (sticks out tongue)
"Ah yes, the power of moving things with one's mind. (beat) That's pretty much it, the power of...moving."
"Our plans for Angel are a little more long-term than that. But if you can't help yourself, then by all means, be my guest."
"You're fun for a human."
"Right between the clowns and the big talking hot dog!"
"He doesn't generally spin that much."
"Right. This is Angel." [as Angel]: "Oh, no, I can't do anything fun tonight. I have to count my past sins, then alphabetize them. Oh, by the way, I'm thinking of snapping on Friday."
"Well, we stay in the best hotels, order room service, eat the waiters. People talk."
"Oh, an eternal child of the darkness? Since, ah...'92."
"Nineteen ninety two??"
(chuckling) "I know. It's hard to believe it's already the last century."
"And in all this time you've never considered making yourself a mate?"
"How do you mean?"
"Well, isn't it true that some vampires choose a mortal, someone they can sire, someone who, too, can walk those lonely nights, hunting with them, feeding with them, joining with them..."
"No! That'd just be weird."
".......'Weird?' It's mythic."
"No, you been reading too much Anne Rice, lady! You got no idea how this thing works!"
"I'd have to concur with that, yes."
"See, you've got our friend all in knots."
"Can't say we like you much."
"So, sorry about the dying, but if you try to escape, we will hit you."
"On the head."
"With very large and heavy objects. Okay?"
"Oh, I'm sure you can. Just as sure as I am that you won't."
"You don't kill humans."
"You don't qualify. You set things in motion, play your little games up here in your glass and chrome tower, and people die. Innocent people."
"And yet I just can't seem to care. But you do. And while you're making threats, wasting time, crashing through windows, your girls are out painting the town red, red, red."
Wesley: I believe we were fired.
Wesley: Let go.
Wesley: Shown the door.
Cordelia: All right! I get it.
"That might be overstating it. More like bummed."
"I never heard of you before."
(Drusilla reaches up from behind him and casually rips off his ears)
"Now you never will. I trust we have everyone's attention? Good."
"Everybody dies, Lilah."
"But not everybody ends up in a dog-food processing plant in San Pedro."
(Lindsey strokes the side of Lilah's face and leans in to kiss her, while his hand slips down into her blouse and pulls out a wire)
(speaking into the tiny microphone) "But Lilah, I would never steal files from my employer! I'm shocked at the suggestion!"
"Well...no. Of course we aren't. We have no intention of doing anything so prosaic as 'winning.'"
"Hmm? I'm sorry, why what?"
"That's really the question you should be asking yourself, isn't it? See, for us, there is no fight. Which is why winning doesn't enter into it. We go on — no matter what. Our firm has always been here in one form or another. The Inquisition. The Khmer Rouge. We were there when the very first cave man clubbed his neighbor. See, we're in the hearts and minds of every single living being. And that, friend, is what's making things so difficult for you. See, the world doesn't work in spite of evil, Angel. It works with us. It works because of us."
"—Yes! Yes I am."
"It's not until tomorrow morning."
"I know. I never perform without checking out the space first. Get a feel for the room."
"Oh. Well. The kids will flip over your costume. It looks so authentic."
"Except for the horns. But those are probably hard to fake."
Angel: It was horrible.
Cordelia: I know. I saw it in my stupid vision, remember?
Angel: No, not the Haklar, the power walkers. I mean, walking I get, but power walking? Why not just run for a shorter time? ...Weird. Plus, one of them hit him.
Cordelia: (gasps) A power walker did that??
Wesley: Apparently, she felt I'd disrespected the Haklar's culture by killing it.
Cordelia: This town sucks.
"Oh, Cordy. No, she's fine. They made her a princess."
"They—- really?? Oh. When I got here they... they didn't do that. (beat) Well. That's nice for her."
"We noticed feasting and celebration. Your brother Numfar did the dance of joy for three moons. (shouts to a boy in the background) NUMFAR! DO THE DANCE OF JOY!"
Groo: What is this "reconstruction?"
Cordelia: Gunn, you wanna field this?
Gunn: It means, saying people are free, don't make em free. You've got races that hate each other. You got some folks getting work they don't want, others losing the little they had. You're looking at social confusion, economic depression and probably some riots. Good luck.
"I suppose it's one of the unwritten laws of being a dick. (beat) Uh, erm, sleuth, a gumshoe, Sherlock."
"All I know is you use the word dick again, and we're gonna have a problem."
"Hey! How can you...I'm not a eunuch."
"Angel, it's just a figure of speech."
"Find another one."
Cordelia: What? This is totally like him. Doing the mystery dance with some cheap blonde?
Fred: Brunette. She was a cheap brunette.
Cordelia: (alarmed) You're right. This isn't like him.
Wesley: (as Angel) But my gypsy curse, and our hot little loins, sometimes prevent me from seeing the truth. Oh, Buffy...
Cordelia: Yes, Angel?
Wesley: I love you so much I almost forgot to brood!
Cordelia: And just because I sent you to hell that one time doesn't mean we can't just...be friends!
Wesley: (Clint Squint) Or possibly more?
Cordelia: Gasp! No! We mustn't!
Wesley: Kiss me!
Cordelia: Bite me!
Angel: (offscreen) How about you both bite me?
"Well, I wouldn't have had to if she hadn't gone all Amazonian and whacked that thing with a golf club."
"Well, I'll tell you. I haven't seen a stroke like that since Nicklaus took on Gary Player in the '63 —"
(finishing each others sentence) "Bob Hope Desert Classic!"
"Angel's old flame from way back."
"Not the one who died?"
"Yeah. —No. Not that one, the other one that died and came back to life. She's a vampire."
(confused) "Do y'all have a chart or somethin'?"
"In the files, I'll get it for you later."
"I can't apologize enough, sir."
"You're right. You can't. (chuckles) But I'm not without compassion. I'm gonna give you a chance to save your job - and your skin."
(breaths sigh of relief, then looks troubled) "...No you're not. You're gonna have me killed."
"Now, why couldn't you have had that kind of foresight when we needed it?"
Darla: Sorry, darling. I'm gonna have to be Switzerland and sit this one out. Now, you did say you were just gonna kill the humans, right?
Vampire: Yes, just the humans. Then we will nourish you, slice you open, wear your entrails as a belt and consume your eyeballs before we worship the miracle child.
Darla: Okay. I'm in.
"I believe I do."
"Oh, and one more thing. College fund? Start saving. I got my heart set on Notre Dame."
(Cordelia walks by and clears her throat)
"Helping the helpless, finding Holtz, and making money are our three number one priorities."
"Guys, seeing the ballet live, it's— it's like another world. Gunn, these guys are tight, and you're going to be tripping out!"
"Don't be using my own phrases when we've lost the trust."
"Dude, hockey is the whitest sport known to man."
"That may be, but the games are indoors and usually at night."
"Sworn enemy? Really? Have we met? Because I don't remember swearing."
"Yeah, I'm a lawyer. Have you met me? We have a new arrangement. I'm keeping the baby."
"Pomegranate Mist is the wrong color for this room."
"Purple. Yet you have no problems pronouncing pomegranate."
"It was my mother's name."
Angel: To family.
Lorne: As long as it's not mine.
"You were always a slave, Justine. You just couldn't see the chains."
"Thanks, Swami, I'll meditate on that."
"We all get what we deserve. You and Holtz deserved each other. You two have so much in common. Pain, loss, deep seated lack of anything approaching humor."
"I dunno, we had a few laughs. Getting you to steal Angel's baby, now that was a good one."
"Better than tricking Connor into sinking his father to the bottom of the ocean?"
"Well, that was worth a couple of yuks, too."
"A dollar! You owe me a dollar!"
"You called this a 'relationship'."
"You remember when I ripped your car in half?"
"Yeah, yeah. Hulk smash."
"Oh, your ass better pray I don't look that word up."
"Didn't think I would. But Gavin, he was more accommodating."
(gesturing to a bound and gagged Gavin)
"Couldn't you have at least tortured him a little bit more?"
"I really wanted to, but he wouldn't stop talking long enough for me to get into it."
"Can kiss my ass too."
"Funny thing about black and white — you mix it together and you get gray. And it doesn't matter how much white you try and put back in, you're never gonna get anything but gray. And I don't see your Texas gal-pal wearing that color. Come to think of it, she prefers black."
"It's an undead thing."
"No! Zombies are slow-moving, dimwitted things that crave human flesh."
(smirking) "Like you."
"Yeah, the evil ones can't pull it off. It gets camp."
"I am Manjet. Sacred guardian of the Shen, keeper of the Orb of Ma'at, and devotee of light. Off hours I like Manny."
"Rain of fire. Blocking out the sun. And you just kinda piss me off."
Wesley: We have to pass through the corridor without ringing any of the bells.
Cordelia: (looks down at her chest) I knew you two would get me in trouble someday.
"Working on it. Failing miserably, but working on it."
"After I rip out your windpipe so it stops making that annoying talky sound."
"Wait! I have a condition. Whoop! Goh, boy! Dirty bitch! Tourettes. You've heard of it, right?"
"Hey, man, you're preaching to the guy who ate the choir."
"Defy who? A big scary voice? Whoa, hey, I got one of those, too. You wanna hear it? (cups his hands over his mouth) YOU CAN KISS - MY - VAMPIRE - ASS!"