Ahem

The sound of clearing your throat, done deliberately to get attention.

We all get a little forgetful sometimes. When things in a plot get really, really complicated, it gets tough to keep track of all the disparate elements. So while Alice should have the sense to search the room for Bob before she starts badmouthing him, hey, nobody's perfect. As a result, she might need a little help from one of her friends. Let's say a simple cough, maybe a cold, paralyzing glare or just saying 'Ahem' loudly and sharply, just to indicate that Alice should do a double-check to realize Bob's kind of standing right behind you. Shouting "COUGH!" is less subtle but at least you'll be heard.

Who provides the Ahem could be anyone, actually. Bob himself might do it, creating a potentially very embarrassing situation for Alice. The explanation also differs. A character who's too much of a Cloudcuckoolander will need it explained, explicitly, why it is they're saying something stupid, ignorant, and in direct contradiction of the facts. A person of normal intelligence is usually Genre Savvy enough to immediately go back over their words and realize what the massive intuitive flaw in their previous statement was.

It can also be used to signal that a word is used euphemistically. As referring to a well-to-do older gentleman and his *ahem* housekeeper; or his nephew keeping company with *ahem* actresses and *ahem* models.


Examples:

Comics
  • In a Star Wars comic, the group were talking about the Death Star's port opening. Tarkin said that no one could make that shot. Then, Darth Vader did the ahem right behind him.
  • Lampshaded in a Peanuts strip in which Charlie Brown desperately needs to clear his throat during a baseball game, but he knows that if he does, Lucy will think it's a commentary on the fact that she just struck out. Finally he can't hold out.
    Charlie Brown: *ahem*
    Lucy: I DIDN'T STRIKE OUT ON PURPOSE!
  • In a short story where She-Hulk argued a case before the supreme court, Titania called her out multiple times, and every call out was relayed to her by a clerk who prefaced the message with an "Ahem".

Fan Works
  • In The Legend of Total Drama Island, Chris theatrically clears his throat during the orientation tour when two contestants are talking about something unrelated instead of paying attention. It's one of the first signs of Chris' hammy side.

Film
  • Seen in Austin Powers:
    Dr Evil: ... unless the world pays us a hefty ransom!
    Number 2: (coughs) That already happened.
  • Jeff Goldblum's dad doing this in Independence Day to the President. Multiple times.
  • In King Kong (2005), Ann mistook someone for Jack and was babbling about how he didn't fit the stereotype she'd been expecting, when the real Jack snapped his book shut behind her; she turned to see that he was the exact stereotype she'd been describing. Not awkward at all.
  • The protagonists of Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers kiss each other passionately after the climax, the police chief tries to get their attention with ahems.
  • The original version of The Producers has Leo Bloom doing this while going over Max Bialystock's account. When he actually switches to saying "cough, cough", Max delivers this precious insult:
    "I assume you are making those cartoon noises in order to attract my attention. Am I correct in my assumption, you fish-faced enemy of the people?"

Literature
  • Horatio Hornblower's Verbal Tic, "Ha—h'm", often used to fill the silence when he can't think of quite what to say. While this allows him to build an image as The Stoic, he is thrown off when Barbara Wellesy figures it out and mocks him gently for it. She apologizes for it immediately, however.
    • A. Bertram Chandler's Commodore Grimes, being Horatio Hornblower IN SPACE!, has his own Verbal Tic, "Mphm".
  • Umbridge in Harry Potter. "Hem Hem". Interesting in this case because the points she makes are rarely obvious — often she has to do it a couple of times before anyone will pay attention to her. Partly because it sounds like a cough, partly because none of the teachers will pay attention to her if they can avoid it. This is obviously to her advantage, though; she uses it to slowly kill whatever conversation was taking place and then holds the floor. One teacher (McGonagall) ignores her after multiple coughs and then finally offers her a cough drop.
  • The "using a word euphemistically" version appears in rather punny fashion in ''Discworld. "They call themselves seamstresses, hem hem." The "Seamstresses' Guild" is the Discworld's Band of Brothels.

Live-Action TV
  • Seen in Friends:
    Monica: No, look, she's obviously unstable, okay? I mean she's thinking about running out on her wedding day.
    (Rachel slowly turns and glares at her.)
    Okay, fine! But I mean, look at the position she's putting him in! What's he gonna do? Ross is gonna run over there on the wedding day and break up the marriage?! I mean, who would do that?!
    (Rachel again turns and glares at her in disgust.)
    Okay, fine, all right, but that's y'know, it's different! Although it did involve a lot of the same people.
  • Jon Stewart, doing a silly impression of Sam Donaldson when Peter Jennings 'ahem's him that Donaldson is there.
  • From British show Misfits:
    Nathan: I mean we did sod all with our powers but at least we never abused them. We never raped or murdered anyone.
    (Everyone looks at him.)
    Curtis: *points at Alisha* She raped me! And we killed loads of people.
In fairness to Nathan, the others had probably kept the rape incident to themselves up until then. Also, as for the people they killed, those wouldn't fit the category of murder because they were in self-defence.
  • Torchwood has this gem in the episode "Sleeper":
    Woman: [to Jack] Your bedside manner's rubbish.
    Gwen: So are his manners in bed. Or, so I've heard.
    Ianto: Oh, they are. I remember this one time when-
    *Jack loudly coughs and changes the subject*
    • Particularly amusing considering the punchline comes from snarky but usually private Ianto, and is one of the only times Jack ever looks uncomfortable, particularly regarding the details of his love life.
  • Gary in Men Behaving Badly series 4, after being dumped by Dorothy:
    Tony (on phone): Gary's been behaving like an arse!
    Gary: Ahem...
    Tony: I mean a nice arse!
  • Hogan's Heroes had an episode where Col. Klink went on vacation to a ski lodge. He ducked repeated phone calls from Gen. Burkhalter and told the desk clerk about how Burkhalter couldn't do anything without him, not realizing Burkhalter was standing right behind him.
  • Buffy the Vampire Slayer. In "The Zeppo", Xander is involved in a Trapped by Mountain Lions plot, with The End of the World as We Know It presented as the unimportant B-story. At one point he walks right into the middle of a classic Buffy/Angel melodrama, with mutual Love Confessions and declarations that a Heroic Sacrifice is The Only Way. After making a half-hearted attempt to bring up his own problems Xander leaves, and the romantic music commences again as Buffy and Angel start up exactly where they left off.

Video Games
  • In Discworld, Rincewind discovers the dragon's hoard and begins celebrating, saying that the riches are his and no big ugly scaly dragon is going to stop him. A deep "Ahem" and a quick pan of the camera shows the dragon is right there, causing Rincewind to try and backtrack hurriedly.
  • The Spy from Team Fortress 2 at the beginning of the "Meet The Spy" Video when the briefcase is found. Followed by "Gentlemen?"
    • In one of the comics, Miss Pauling is mentioning how not not everyone is on the Team is American, earning coughs from the Medic and Heavy and a pointed look towards Soldier, who hasn't quite caught on to them being German and Russian respectively.
  • Done a few times throughout Tales of Monkey Island. There is one part in Chapter 5 when, after Guybrush thanks Morgan for opening the Crossroads, she gives out an "ahem", which, in the subtitles, is stated as "*clears throat*".
  • Marvin Grossberg from Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney has a signature, exaggerated *Ah-HHHHEM!* from off-screen as one of his Catch Phrases.

Web Comics

Western Animation
  • Xiaolin Showdown
    • Omi is picked to stay behind from a Shen-Gong-Wu search to watch Dojo:
    Omi: What!? Why must I stay and Raimundo go? He was the last to make it to apprentice, and nobody thought he would make it!
    Raimundo: AHEM.
    Omi: ...Uh- er- that is...except for me?
  • After discovering that his brother-in-law's girlfriend was an employee of one of the villains, Doc says to him:
    Doc: I'm sorry about Abbey.
    Doyle: Thanks.
    Doc: I mean, if anybody in that relationship was gonna be secretly evil, I'd have put my money on-
    (his wife pokes him)
    Doc: (clears throat) Well, we'll leave it at 'sorry'.
  • Averted in Futurama, in the episode "How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back", with Bender going to the rest of the crew about Fry sleeping with Morgan Proctor, and Amy *hem hem*s.
    Bender: *reaching behind him* "Oh, crap, is she behind me?"
    Morgan Proctor: "No, I'm in front of you."
  • Played for Laughs in the My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic episode "Make New Friends But Keep Discord", when Discord tries to get Fluttershy's attention at the Gala. He keeps turning it up until he's outright coughing and hacking.
  • During an Imagine Spot on Rocko's Modern Life regarding a potential career as a lounge singer, Filbert only manages to get out an "ahem" to the microphone before the crowd turns on him with Torches and Pitchforks.