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Funny: Todd In The Shadows 2013 Episodes
| One-Hit Wonderland
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Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2012
- On "50 Ways to Say Goodbye"
Behind the Music narrator
: (on Train
) They're the quintessential American band.
Todd: …Excuse me. What?
Narrator: They're the quintessential American band.
- On "Where Have You Been", #9 on the list:
Todd: If Rihanna said she was checking into rehab for "exhaustion", I would actually believe she was telling the truth.
- On "Back in Time", which is #8 on the list:
"Number 8? Are you sure this isn't 'numbuh twoooooo'?"
- Also, the answer on to why this song got made.
"I can only conclude... Aliens
- Todd's annoyance at Cher Lloyd's "Want U Back".
Cher: ♪And now you're taking her to every restaurant♪
Todd: Every single restaurant, huh? Gosh, how dare your ex take his new girlfriend on, gasp, dates? Shut up!
Cher Lloyd: ♪Tryin' to rock them ugly jeans jeans jeans♪
Todd: ...and if I may be bitchy in return: Oh, honey! I don't think someone who dresses like a 50-year-old mob wife from Long Island should be criticizing other people's fashion! Tchaa!
- And to close it off, ala the closing line of the song:
Todd: (British accent) That's the sound of trying too hard... Pfft!
- "*gasp* She called me a bitch!"
- On "Whistle": (#4)
- "Fittingly enough, a song called 'Whistle' totally BLOWS!"
- "Here's what needs to be said about Flo Rida..." (cut to black screen with one tiny word in white: [nothing])
- "All of [Adam Levine's] 'woe is me' bad relationship songs always sound like a backdoor way to brag about all the hot sex he's having. 'Oh, we're so bad for each other, but we just lay in bed and bone each other all day. It's so awful, woe is me.' Eat me, Levine."
- Hefty bag!?
- "Pat Monahan hates music, romance, the English language, and you."
- "Mmm, the way you do me?" *
- His summary of "Too Close" by Alex Clare: "I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEEEEOPLLLLLE! I'M NOT REALLY FEELING OUR RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOWWWWWW!"
- "You've got that 'one thing,' teenage female fan. You've got that one, unnamed 'thing' that makes me love you, wherever you are, whoever you are, y'know, that one generic 'thing,' generic love interest...swoon, dammit!"
- Todd's attempt to comprehend the metaphors in "Domino", after he acknowledges its performer, Jessie J, as a blatant Katy Perry knockoff.
- "I just want to reiterate that One Direction are f*cking awful."
- "Oh, I remember how he did it. In fact, I wish I could forget."
- The conclusion that Chris Brown's managers are secretly slipping lyrics relating to Domestic Abuse in his songs as a prank and that they hate him as much as Todd does.
- "The cake is a lie"
Top 10 Best Hit Songs of 2012
- In introducing "Young, Wild, & Free", Todd rattles off a string of Snoop Dogg-esque "-izzle" talk.
- While praising "Young, Wild, & Free," Todd notes that it's from the soundtrack of Mac and Devin Go to High School'', a movie he wasn't even sure existed. As a bit of Foreshadowing to his next episode...
- The Rap Critic's utter shock and disgust at Todd putting a Flo Rida song on the list at number 9.
- "Flo Rida: The least interesting man in the world. Stay boring, my friends."
- "Flo Rida's main gift has always been finding great hooks, and this is probably his best yet. It samples a song that I really love. This is from a song called "Piano in the Dark" by Brenda Russell. It's about a woman who can't ever leave her lover because she's too impossibly attracted to him when he plays his piano under the cover of darkness. I don't know what it is. This song, it just speaks to me. I really like it."
- It's especially notable when considering the Rap Critic already reviewed the song that Todd put up, and he reasonably gave it a 2/5.
- "Let me share with you a game I found on the Internet. It's called Kanye Zone, and the object of the game is to prevent Kanye from getting in his zone. You know what happens when you let Kanye in his zone? He impregnates Kim Kardashian. Yeah, so don't let Kanye in his zone. That is gonna be one seriously screwed-up child."
- "Imagine Dragons is apparently an anagram for the band's original name, but they've never revealed what that was. Many people have guessed at what the original name was, including Greasing Domain, Insomnia Dagger, and my personal favourite, Gonad Migraines, which is what I'm going to call them from now on. Good luck, Gonad Migraines. Looking for good things from you."
- His celebration that Katy Perry did not make the list...
- ...Promptly followed by "Die Young" by Ke$ha making it on.
- "Meet the new boss, same as the old boss."
- "You see? She does have emotions! Besides being about to spew."
- "I have no problem grooving to "Die Young", even though it's still recognizably Ke$ha, the obnoxiously crude party girl. But it's better Ke$ha. Earlier Ke$ha was like nasty bathtub moonshine, and this is Ke$ha distilled and refined. If you like your Ke$ha undiluted, I imagine you won't have much for this, but I prefer stuff that won't rot your gut.
- "You are damning him to hell by not boning him!"
- "You know, it's funny that Bruno Mars should rip off The Police, seeing as he hasn't exactly had the best luck with the police. Just saying."
- During the song Lights. The answer to what are the lights.
- He laughs at the thought of the Owl City guy "[waking] up with a Prince song in [his] head":
Todd: What, you mean this Prince?
cue "Pussy Control"
- On Toby Keith's "Red Solo Cup": "This song is hilarious, and I will hear no word from anyone who disagrees."
- On Adele's "Skyfall" getting an honorable mention:
"Boy, this is the best James Bond theme in a while, isn't it? Wow, this really deserved to be on the list, right? Gosh, wouldn't I have looked much less stupid if I'd put this on the list instead of Flo Rida? *sigh*"
- His response to "Gangnam Style" making it as a honorable mention after doing a review of it?
"It grew on me. Shut up."
Mac and Devin Go To High School
- Todd introducing Andy Milonakis's character as "Andy Milonakis of 'Hey, whatever happened to Andy Milonakis?' fame".
- Todd mistaking the talking joint Slow Burn for the banana from the "Peanut Butter Jelly Time" meme.
- The really deadpan reaction to two bad jokes back to back.
Woman: It's bigger than anything I've ever seen!
Todd: Get it? It sounds like they're talking about sex.
Both **Bored out of their minds**: Hahahahahaha.
Todd: Get it? Look at that joint. It's... bigger than a regular size joint.
Both **still bored**: Hahahahahaha.
- About principal Skinnfloot just preparing expulsion papers for Mac instead of having him arrested for selling pot to minors.
Todd: Get it? He's (Snoop) a MAC, and he's (the principal) a PC, which stands for "Poorly-written Character".
- Remarking on the misleading title of the movie:
Todd: Mac and Devin go to high school because they're in high school. They might as well have called it Mac and Devin Breathe Oxygen.
: This is like if Dude, Where's My Car
was literally just two guys in a parking lot looking for their car.
- Todd spoiling the incredibly obvious solution to Mac & Devin's science project:
Todd: It's pot. [...] It's pot! The missing ingredient is pot. Spoilers: the missing ingredient is going to be pot. In this movie which revolves entirely around pot, in which two characters literally are pot, yes, the science project will be rescued with pot. Sorry for giving that away, it was gonna be mind-blowing when you found out.
- After the stupefyingly disgusting fart pot trick:
Todd: Remember kids, if you smoke pot, you too can be this cool!
- Snoop gets two girls, but declines the threesome, suggesting the girls to make out instead, which is what they immediately do:
: Huh. I don't know whether to be offended because it was so sexist... or because it wasn't even a little hot
- The Rap Critic commenting on the surreal hallucinations Mac and Devlin have while high.
Rap Critic: Is...is this what's supposed to happen when you're high on weed? 'Cause...'cause that's not what happens. What happens is stuff becomes funnier and music slightly speeds up. Chemically, the effects of weed are actually kind of mundane.
Wait a minute, since when do you know so much about getting high?
Rap Critic: [defensively] What are you, a cop?
- The final graduation speech turns into the song "Young, Wild and Free":
Rap Critic: ... And then they kindly escort him off stage and don't let him graduate.
- Then Slow Burn (the animated joint) starts to give an "inspirational speech" about pot.
Rap Critic: Really?? A pseudo-inspirational speech about weed. You guys made this (the scene of the fart-pot), AND YOU CLEARLY DID IT WHILE HIGH. So do you really think now is the time to tell us that weed is a good thing?!
Todd: Holy Christ. I don't want someone lecturing me about why marijuana should be legal. I live in the Internet. I've heard it.
- The "Where Are They Now?" Epilogue, which parodies the film's own:
"Todd never found his usual gray hoodie and had to go buy a new one at Target."
"He says his old one was more comfortable."
Girl on Fire
- Todd's revelation that his roommates kicked him out again, followed by this lovely cutaway:
Todd: Oh my God, this song sucks so much! Like, I can't even—
Roommate: Shut up!
Todd: I'm working! Do you want me to pay rent this month or not?
Roommate: You haven't paid rent in four months, and it's 2 in the morning!
Todd: I have to film when it's dark!
- Todd describing Alicia Keys' "ragged, minimalist 'No One'": "Bash, Thud, Thud, Thud, Bash, Thud, Thud, Thud, Bash, Thud, Thud, Thud, Bash, Thud, Bash, Bash, Honk..HONK!"
- Todd makes it look like he originally planned reviewing the plain version of "Girl on Fire", but the "Inferno" remix with Nicki Minaj plays instead. Enter The Rap Critic again.
Todd: Okay, dude, you gotta stop doing this. This is, like, the third video in a row you've butted in on.
Rap Critic: Oh, I'm sorry for bailing your obviously unprepared self from this floundering review. Now let's keep listening.
- Rap Critic's swift shift in reactions towards Marilyn Monroe's ghost appearing to Nicki as a sort of continuation to her original Marilyn Monroe song.
Nicki: ♪ ...Tellin' me to come with her/Underneath my comforter♪
Wait, the ghost of Marilyn Monroe is telling you to come with her underneath your sheets? ...Niiice!
Nicki: ♪And she brought a gun with her♪
Nicki: ♪Pills and some rum with her♪
Rap Critic: Oh...o-OH!
Nicki: ♪ Took me on the balcony/Tellin' me to jump with her♪
Rap Critic: She REALLY didn't like that song, did she?!
At this point, they might as well have just renamed the song "Girl Doing Stuff". ♪This girl is doing things This girl is doing stuff♪ Ok, she's on fire, the world's on fire. She is fire. She's a flame on fire. This fire is on fire. Her eyes are on fire. Everything is on fire. Fire, fire, and fire. Man on Fire
, Light My Fire
, Fire Down Below
. I am the god of hellfire, and I bring you...
- Todd's reaction to a scene that has Alicia Keys using magic that has her snapping her fingers to clean up a room.
- The Rap Critic's appearances coming out of nowhere, mocking the remix featuring Nicki Minaj, and how her rap verses seem to come out of nowhere, with no transition back into the main song.
- The hint of Fridge Brilliance when the Rap Critic comes in near the end when talking about Nicki Minaj returning for another verse.
Todd: All this song is is a creatively exhaustive, meaningless pile of-
Rap Critic: And then the featured guest randomly comes back in, ruining the momentum of the video!
- Rap Critic's reaction to the line "And in my backyard, there's a deer, God":
Rap Critic as God: "Thank you, Nicki Minaj, but I know what a deer is! I kind of made them. I'm not sure if anyone has informed you, but in North America, they're pretty common. Wait a minute, why am I even listening to this? They didn't even bother to get a good green screen effect!"
Todd: You done?!
Rap Critic: Yes, yes I am.
- After that scene, he then talks about how unrelated Nicki Minaj's verses were and dismissing how the song is about God, while then unintentionally makes similarities about how the song actually relates to God.
Todd: Holy crap, this song is about God! [...] Alicia Keys is singing about a vengeful fire goddess burning down the whole world with her merciless wrath!
- "These guys have no goddamn personality, they're all 'The Cute One'."
- "One Direction are trying to f*ck your daughter!"
- "One Direction singing a white guy with acoustic guitar song. This is my HELL."
- Todd referring to "white guy with acoustic guitar songs" by the amusing acronym, "W.G.W.A.G." (pronounced "wigwag".)
'''[This is] a miserable load of dishonest dreck straight from the "fuck me, I'm sensitive" school of songwriting. It's a love song to a sad, misunderstood girl. This is like all the other One Direction songs boiled down to their essence. See, this is them confirming exactly what they like about you. Things.
One Direction: ♪You've got that one thing!♪
Todd: You know...things. See, they're talking about you. You have things. That's what they love about you, your things. Their favourite little thing about you is your qualities. But a close second is your attributes.
Zayn Malik: ♪Your hand fits in mine like it's made just for me, but bear this mind it was meant to be♪
Todd: Yeah, that's how I know we're meant to be— Your hand fits in mine. I mean you're nothing like the last girl I dated; she had these gigantic mitts the size of footballs, I couldn't get my hand around them at all, but you, you're special!
- "This isn't even good for a white guy with acoustic guitar song. At least your average acoustic guitar player fakes sincerity just by virtue of not being a pre-fab reality show boy band. Spare minimal accompaniment is supposed to create the aura of a more personal one-to-one connection, which you can't really pull off when there's 'FIVE OF YOU."
- "This girl has insecurities up the yin-yang! She also has insecurities about her yin yang after she read all those articles about how to slim down your yin-yang."
- "I know you worry that you have bad breath, but you don't, I promise. And I don't at all notice that you have really bad skin and that you pick your nose in public and that all your jokes are really bad and that weird mole on your back and that you kiss about as well as a discarded fish head and that your best friend is way hotter than you and that your laugh sounds like two chainsaws having sex and that you constantly derail conversations by talking about the things you dislike about yourself and fishing for compliments and that... Actually, when I lay it all out like that, I'm not sure what I do like about you. You know, maybe we should see other people."
- "On top of everything else, it's so generic that even though I spent a week writing this review and i've been ranting about it for like ten minutes, I still can't actually remember how it goes!"
- "I'm Todd In The Shadows saying: always remember that I love you...because of the little things. And by 'little things', I obviously didn't mean your stomach or your thighs. Those things are huge! I wrote a song about it, you wanna hear? ♪Oh, I don't care you're ugly/I don't care you're stupid♪ — Hey, where're you going?"
Scream and Shout
- "I know it's a cheap shot to compare dance songs to highbrow music in a completely different genre. But still going from those other bands (Coheed and Cambria and Ben Folds) to this is like going from eating at the Ritz to chewing on some disgusting Hungry Man TV dinner. Even for processed frozen food, that stuff's not good. You sure you don't wanna get the Boston Market dinners or the Stouffer's? It's right there next to it. Or just some Hot Pockets. What's wrong with Hot Pockets? Why the hell would you want that Hungry Man crap?! Cause it comes with a brownie?! You realize when you open it, the corn is just gonna have slopped over onto it! That's gross! Come on, you can eat better than that! What the hell?! Sorry, I bought some groceries the other day I regret. The point is will.i.am sucks!" note
- Todd explaining the song's presence on his Worst of 2012 list:
Todd:Why didn't I just say nothing and save my material for a full review?"
Todd (Cut to Worst of 2012 video): I was gonna give this one a full review, but it's likely going to be gone by the time I finish these Top 10 lists, so I might as well just tackle it now.
: Oh, Todd. Oh, you poor dear. Todd-stradamus
strikes again. Cross yet another one off the list of Todd's predictions for 2013.
(cut to a list reading "New Pope is a 2-year-old girl, Battleship sweeps Oscars, Grammys, Nobels, Mayan Apocalypse happens 2 months late, Jay Leno is America's sweetheart, and 'Scream and Shout' goes the f*** away"
- "[will.i.am's] songs have a way of getting lodged in your brain. It all makes sense when you listen to the musical pioneers that will.i.am takes his inspiration from, like car alarms, jackhammers, vacuum cleaners, your neighbors having sex, the dripping faucet that keeps you awake at night. will.i.am has found a way to turn every awful, clattering, obnoxious sound into chart success."
- At the song's suggestion, Todd decides to try literally screaming and shouting.
"THIS IS NOT MAKING ME FEEL BETTER! IT'S KINDA MAKING IT WORSE!"
"There is no way this was only the fifth-worst song of the year. What was above this on my Worst list? 'Whistle'? Yeah, this is way worse than "Whistle". Bump up will.i.am to #4."
Britney: ♪When you hear this in the club, you're gotta turn this shit up♪
Todd: When I hear this in the club, I gotta turn this shit up? No, I do not. I mean, how even would I? I'm not the DJ, that's his job. And if I did have access to the DJ booth, I can think of things I'd do long before adjusting the volume.
Todd: God, what was #3 on my worst list? 'One More Night'? Christ, what was I thinking? Shit, bump this up another slot.
- "If will.i.am's cliches were about, I don't know, love or something, it'd just be lame. But it's all about how great he is, and it's always making the most insipid music imaginable while it's doing it. He goes hard, he's got the hot beats, and you gotta listen to his music 'cause his music is, like, so good, y'all. All anyone has to do to refute this song is listen to it. The song disproves itself. Say what you want about...Pitbull; he might be stupid, but at least he sounds like he's enjoying himself! will.i.am sounds bored! Bored and disgusted with you for listening to this crap!"
will.i.am: Oh yeah...
Todd: "Oh yeah." Does that sound like a guy who's having a great time partying?
Bill: Mmm, yep.
Todd: God, what was #2 on my Worst list? 'Drive By'? ...ok, hold off on that one."
- And he ends the video with screaming and shouting again.
"So until next time, I'm Todd in the Shadows saying AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"
Thrift Shop vs. Suit & Tie
- I don't know about you, but having Todd equate Macklemore as the Fifty Shades of Grey of music and then having the caption immediately afterwards saying "NO" to that kind of makes one think if he did it intentionally or not. If not, then it certainly counts as an unintentional bit of humor there.
- Todd's "ecletic sense of fashion" i.e. a closet full of hoodies.
- His "gray un-hoodie" is just a gray, long-sleeved shirt.
- The first impression review:
♪Ooh, I be on my suit and tie shit, tie shit, tie♪ Todd:
Wait, what is he saying? I cannot be hearing that right. "Shit tie, shit tie." Hey, maybe I can have Justin's style after all. I've got a few shit ties. (Garfield, Shrek, the Three Stooges and guitars) Yeah. Am I really that hard to buy birthday presents for? Pfft. Thanks, everybody. And Macklemore, what's your first line in your song? Macklemore:
♪Walk up to the club like, "What up, I got a big cock!"♪ Todd:
* I can't argue with that. Point: Macklemore.
- The 30 Rock Reference brought on by a Jay-Z line.
Jay-Z: ♪This is trouble season/Time for tuxedos for no reason♪
Todd: Yes. Jay-Z has officially become Jack Donaghy.
Liz: Why are you wearing a tux!?
Jack: It's after six, what am I, a farmer?
- The attempt at a Cross Over with The Rap Critic.
Todd: All righty. I'll start. Now, me personally, I think the song is awful.
Rap Critic: Yeah, me too.
(Both of them stare at each other blankly, saying nothing.)
Todd: Well, I think we're done.
Rap Critic: Okay, that was easy!
- When Todd and The Rap Critic get into a heated argument about the song, a sign appears stating technical difficulties.
- Usually, Todd's disclaimer is "[Song] owned by [Record Label]. This video owned by me." Accidental Racist? "Accidental Racist owned by Arista Nashville. This video disowned by me."
Feel This Moment
- The video opens with Todd looking for a song to review, but finding most of the songs on the charts to be boring.
Todd: What's the worst song out now?
Cue a picture of Pitbull with the Microsoft "Ta-da!" sound effect.
Todd: You again?!
- "Well, that Pitbull's still around, he's...still stupid. Okay, let me see if I can recap my feelings about Armando Perez, aka Pitbull, aka Mr. 305, aka Mr. Worldwide, aka, this frickin' guy, Jesus, I feel like I've already done dozens of episodes on him, for Christ's sake!"
- "Around about 2010 or so, I was complaining a lot about how the charts were dominated by a genre I like to call 'club shit'. I — I came up with that myself."
- As a followup to the "club shit" refusing to be swept away entirely:
Todd: Sure, B-listers like LMFAO went away, but the bigger names like will.i.am, Ke$ha, Flo Rida, they just dug in their heels and refused to move. They laugh at the attempts to make them move, they taunt us from their muddy fortress.
Todd: That they do. Now most of these acts opted not to change their MO in any substantial way, unless you count will.i.am's decision to somehow get worse.
- "You know, hey. Fun experiment I just thought of right now for this episode. It's gonna be like a 'choose your own adventure' review. See, the way it works is— you listen to the song and write all the jokes and make all the insighftul criticism, while I put on my headphones and listen to some Sarah McLachlan. How's that? Try it out. Do it now. Start now." (pause) "This is not gonna work. I don't even like Sarah McLachlan!"
- On Pitbull's last song:
Todd: It wasn't anything special, it was okay, but there is no way in the universe that Pitbull should be going for a mood any more serious than
(high pitched scream) … that thing he does.
(cue clip of the Goofy holler)
Todd: No, not that.
Todd: Yeah, that. It's harder than it looks, I'll give him that.
- Todd's artistic rendering of the Best Buy he used to work at.◊
- When discussing songs that are lazy with their sampling (citing DrunkenMunkey's "E", a 2002 house song which was just a sample from Eminem's "Without Me" repeated ad nauseam):
(clip from Disaster Movie)
Todd: Right? Like, this is the laziest, worst, stupidest use of samples since… oh, gee, the last Pitbull song I reviewed!
- Todd's way of pointing out how often Pitbull mentions traveling in his songs.
Pitbull: The tallest building in Tokyo—Brazil, Morocco, London to Ibiza—Beirut—Cape Canaveral—Mumbai—Morocco—Helsinki—Malaysia—
♪United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama, Haiti, Jamaica, Peru!♪
- Todd deciding to sample his old reviews and finding out it doesn't always work.
Pitbull: ♪Reporting live from the tallest building in Tokyo♪
Clip!Todd: It's nice that you travel around the world, Pitbull, but you're not writing an Indiana Jones theme. Like, the Men in Black, they basically stay in New York. There are three movies and they don't generally leave New York.
Todd: Ok, that sample didn't quite fit. But neither does the sample for "Feel This Moment"! Meta-commentary!
Christina Aguilera: ♪Que tengo encasa quien suena con verme llegar♪
: Yeah, that was pretty hilarious. If I recall correctly, she spoke Spanish like Peggy Hill
Peggy (clip from "Lupe's Revenge"') Yo poder ver que usted ser caballo razonable.
Subtitles: Your Honor, I can tell you are a reasonable horse.
- He also samples the Rap Critic talking about Drake's "Started from the Bottom".
Drake: ♪Started from the bottom now my whole team fucking here/ Started from the bottom now we're here♪
Rap Critic: My friends and I were broke, but now we're not. My friends and I were broke, but now we're not.
Todd: Ha. I didn't even ask permission to use that. Unlicensed sample. Let's see him try to sue.
- When he first mentions mixes of country and hip-hop, "Accidental Racist" cues yet again. But when he objects this time, it is immediately replaced by "Hoedown Throwdown".
- Todd explaining how stupid the hook is.
"Baby you a song and by that I mean you make me wanna roll my windows and cruise...so I guess I'm gonna go do that. Bye"
- "'Cruise' was a finalist for my Worst of 2012 list because it's yet another smug, dopey, mainstream country song complete with the requisite four chords of pop. Pop song chords—OH GOD, MAKE IT STOP!"
- "Think of this. Flo Rida-Georgia Line? It would have been perfect. It would have been terrible."
- When talking about how the Florida Georgia Line were fans of Nelly and jumped at the chance to collaborate with them:
Todd: Holy crap, Country Grammar came out thirteen years ago and they would have been in middle school and Nelly is almost forty and I found a gray hair in the mirror the other day and..."
- "This has been a message from the Wisconsin Safety Council: Stop at stop signs, dumbass!"
Florida Georgia Line: ♪She hopped right up into the cab of my truck\ And said, "Fire it up! Let's go get this thing stuck!"♪
Todd: "Get it stuck" means... I'm really sad I know this. When he says, "let's get this thing stuck, you might think he's conveniently having his truck run out of gas on Lovers Lane for a make-out session. No, he's talking about muddin'. That's where you take your truck off-road in a swamp and spray mud everywhere. It is the most hick thing you could possibly do, short of cow-tipping in bib overalls while listening to Larry the Cable Guy.
- After noticing the song seems to treat both trucks and women with the same level of fawning admiration:
Todd: ♪She had them long tan legs/With them big mud tires/And a big ol' heavy engine/And tiiiiits♪
- The opening of the video depicts Todd at his computer, watching the music video for "Get Lucky". His reaction goes as follows...
Todd: This is like the greatest thing I've ever heard! This is the song I've been waiting for all year! There's no way this is gonna be a hit. Could it? Oh please, please, please. Dear God, I know we don't speak much, but if you can just grant me one favor. There's this really awesome song on the radio right now, and I don't know if you've heard it. It's got this funky 70s beat, and Pharrell's on it, and it's just really great, and would you please make that song a #1 hit?
God: I hear your prayer, my child.
3 weeks later...
- "[Robin Thicke] comes across as a poor man's Justin Timberlake, an impression not helped by the fact that his biggest hit now has him working with T.I. and Pharrell. For Christ's sakes, you wanna be Justin that badly, you might as well just start hosting SNL and not talking to other *NSYNC members."
- "And Pharrell goes "woo". I like "woo". I support "woo"."
- "A lot of the controversy is not about the song, it's about the video. A lot of people find it offensive. I'm one of them. I find it offensive. I'm offended as a person who likes watching good videos.
- "This is probably the most blatant of the way pop singers try to trick people into promoting them on Twitter. Personally, I can think of many other things that would trend before #blurredlines, based on this video, like maybe, I don't know, #Lazy or #Stupid or #Why am I not listening to Daft Punk goddammit I could actually be listening to something good instead of this George Michael wannabe Thicke Yeah right More like thick-headed This guy is a growing pain in the ass Did you only have a budget of $3.50 for this video? Try harder."
- To show how the lyrics are rapey, comparing them to Stone Temple Pilots' "Sex Type Thing", which is actually about a rapist.
- Todd's Venn Diagram to illustrate the supposed meaning of the song "She Want the D/She No Want the D", showing that Thicke is way off the edge of the "No Want" side.
- His reaction to "You wanna hug me/What rhymes with 'hug me'", complete with the return of "NOT A RHYME".
"So what does rhyme with "hug me"? I'm gonna guess he probably means "fuuuuug me"
? "Fug m—" Yeah, that doesn't really rhyme with "hug me"! [#NOTARHYME
] So, since that doesn't rhyme with "hug me", what does? "Bug me", "Mug—" Or how about "Drug me"? That fits the tone of this song."
"Waiter! Martini and a roofie colada!"
- On the line "Just let me liberate you":
"Yeah, see, you going down on my knob is me liberating you. That's what "liberate" means, right?" [Dictionary definition appears] "Oh, really? I was way off! See, what I meant was "Please let me bang you"."
- Todd's choice for the closing song, Thick as a Brick.
We Can't Stop vs. Come & Get It
Todd: Today, we're lookung at two former teen actresses who seem to be continuing down the path of fame and fortune— Miley Cyrus and Selena Gomez. Now for most of their adolescence, the Disney Corporation owned their careers, their lives, and probably most of their major organs. But now that Uncle Walt no longer has them under his cryogenically frozen thumb, these two are out to prove that they're not little girls anymore. No, they're out to scream to the world...
I know next to nothing about Wizards of Waverly Place
. I guess I really should find out something about them, so I know what I'm talking about. You know, these girls and their careers and how their personas have evolved over several seasons. As it turns out, I can watch both series on Netflix, so out of obligation, I'm gonna go educate myself on the subject.
Justin: Edgebonoutoosis! (Waves wand at rabbit, creating a duplicate)
Jerry: Good. Real rabbit, duplicate rabbit. No, duplicate rabbit, real— anyway, there's two now.
Todd: Ok, that's enough. I don't need to know that badly, I think I got the idea.
- Fun fact for those who don't know: That's the first joke of the series.
- Todd watches the "We Can't Stop" video in fascinated horror... and when it's done, he gets a call on his phone. "Seven days."
"It's the landlord. I gotta pay the rent."
Todd: I do not have it in me to be shocked anymore by pop singers doing the Girls Gone Wild shtick. I've seen it a billion times. I've already seen it with Miley, for Christ's sakes. So what? What exactly is supposed to be shocking about this?
Miley Cyrus: ♪And everyone in line in the bathroom\ Trying to get a line in the bathroom♪
- "At least she'll always have that one special thing that will always be quintessentially Miley: her piercing, ear-splitting vocals."
- Todd accidentally revealing himself as a fan of Victorious.
- Later, Todd denied this on Twitter- he only saw one episode (He didn't say which), but felt that while Victoria Justice and Elizabeth Gilles had much more personality then the Disney princesses, he probably won't watch the rest of the show in the immediate future.
- "Alice in Chains made more good-time party songs than this."
Best Song Ever
- "In the 90s, we had the boy band wars, which was a terrible time for music, but ultimately, both sides ended up destroyed. I choose to liken it to World War II. Both Nazism and Stalinism threatened the free world, but ended up fighting each other, leaving one defeated and the other unable to do more than burn itself out trying to keep up over the next few decades. Now I do realize that I can say controversial things sometimes, but I think we can all agree, comparing the Backstreet Boys to Hitler is entirely accurate and proportional."
- "Oh, good. comedy bits. I see somebody watched Tropic Thunder. Ok, let's hope they don't put one of these poor kids in Black Face, although I do know that the one dressed like a girl is distressingly hot."
- Any time one of his angry rants ends up being entirely positive.
- The PSA against comedic skits on music. Set to an instrumental version of "We Are The World 2010", no less.
- "Ladies and gentlemen, we have made such great progress in the fight against singers trying to be funny. The scourge of the rap album comedy skit is all but eradicated, but there is still so much work to do. Millions of people on YouTube are exposed every day to pre-song comedy bits in music videos. And that number is just growing everyday. You can help. Please donate to the Stop Singers From Thinking They're Funny Foundation, care of me. I can think of no cause dearer to my heart."
- And how two of the examples shown (Katy Perry's "T.G.I.F." and Nicki Minaj's "Moment 4 Life") were on his best list for 2011.
- "I'm sure you're all noticing that [the opening of this song] this is a complete ripoff of "Baba O'Riley" by The Who, or as One Direction fans know them, The who? Yes, thank you, that was a vintage joke dating back to at least the 90s, although archaeologists believe it may be much older."
- His shock at the song's girl being an actual defined person.
Todd: See, it's pretty specific.
Harry Styles: ♪Said I had a dirty mouth♪
Todd: It's specifically the Orbit gum woman.
Veronica Branch: Dirty mouth? Fabulous.
Todd: I didn't even know the British had dentists!
- One Direction dancing to the best song in the world, as presented in Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny.
- Todd's rant about the song's premise, as he continues to look for a reason not to like the song:
You call it the "best song ever" but you don't even remember it? C'mon. You have no basis to support this judgement call, even to yourself. In fact, I'm gonna go out on a limb and assume that the only reason you thought it was the "best song ever" is that your judgement was biased by the fact that you were dancing with a hot girl when you heard it. And that is completely! And totally! Understandable
) Guys, I think I like this song.
Todd: Ok, this is probably as disappointing to you as it is to me. I really wanted to hate this song, but I cannot properly provide the anger that you're all expecting. All I can say is I offer my sincerest apologies, and in my defense, I promised myself when I started this that I would always give my opinions honestly, even if they were unpopular. And I hope that all my loyal viewers understand, and that it only strengthens your respect for my integrity as a critic.
Todd: Yeah, I agree...
- "Jay-Z is still very much trying to be the biggest name in the name, as evidenced by his twelfth studio album, Magna Carta Holy Grail, an album he felt was so stunning, he named it after two of the most renowned, legendary artifacts of Western culture. Who else would dare to elevate their record to this level of religious grandiosity— (cue promo poster of Yeezus) Oh, of course. Don't ever change, Kanye."
- Todd introduces the song with great enthusiasm, making over the top hand gestures to the beat. As it ends, he gives it a gracious full swoop "bow" with his hands, and says...
Todd: Well that sucked!
- "Let me see if I can explain here. "Holy Grail" is about how difficult it is to be a celebrity. Hold on a sec, let me just roll my eyes here and groan for a good ten seconds. UUUGGGHHH!!!"
- The return of a familiar hashtag rap.
Gudda Gudda: ♪Grocery bag!♪
Todd: I didn't realize until just now what a limited range Justin Timberlake has. Every one of his hits has basically had the same message: "I am cool." I guess there's "Mirrors". And even then, he's comparing the girl he loves so much to his own reflection.
♪Here in town, it's only she\ who's as beautiful as me♪
- * "It's not a short song either. Yeah, that's the other problem with this song. It's too damn long. For God's sakes, even just the intro last a minute and a half. You could eat an entire large pizza in the time it takes for this song to get started. At least I can. I mean, I assume everyone can, right?"
- "I really wanted to like this, but— All I can say is, I owe Lady Gaga a huge apology. Hey, Lady Gaga, you wanna sing about how awesome it is to be loved and famous? (thumbs up) I support this completely."
- The video's description on Blip: "Bruno Mars shocks the monkey."
- His frank reveal of just how unsexy the image of gorillas mating really is.
: If for some godforsaken reason you're a Bruno Mars groupie and dream of getting it on with Bruno Mars, you can expect it to look like this. (cue mind-scarring footage note
- "I realize gorillas have always been a symbol of virility. Every guy wants to be this dominant, musclebound, chest-beating king of the jungle. I get that. With that said, watch as I destroy this metaphor with science. Science: ruining everything for everybody always! Thanks, science!"
- Pointing out that gorillas are not very well-endowed.
- He then uses this to insist that the villain of Ace Ventura 2 wasn't raped by a gorilla at the end.
- "So whenever people talk about wild monkey sex, gorillas are not the ones they're thinking of. A much better primate to use here would be bonobos, who really do get their freak on all over the place at anytime with anything and anyone. There's my revision: 'You and me, baby makin' love like bonobos!' ...Ok, it doesn't quite have the same ring to it, but it's not like you're gonna make the song any sillier."
- "Bruno is just trying on Prince's sound like a Halloween costume. Speaking of Halloween costumes, I considered getting a gorilla suit for this episode, but uh, they're actually, uh, quite expensive. At least the good ones. Yeah, I'm not making that Angry Video Game Nerd money every year, so no costumes, sorry."
- Another Analogy Backfire:
Bruno: ♪I got a body full of liquor with a cocaine kicker / And I'm feeling like I'm 30 feet tall♪
Todd: Oh good. Because nothing improves your sexual performance like a nice gallon of whiskey. Of course, I guess you can counteract that depressant with a nice kicker of cocaine. That's some better living through chemistry right there. What could go wrong with mixing alcohol and cocaine?
(picture of a tombstone)
Todd Oh yeah. Well, I guess we know why gorillas are endangered.
- Some people in the comments also point out that Bruno apparently never heard of "coke dick", i.e. unable to get it up because your overactive drugged body is diverting all the blood flow.
Actually, as hilarious as "makin' love like gorillas" is, think the true comedy comes from the line before it.
Bruno: ♪You'll be banging on my chest\ Bang bang, gorilla♪
Todd: That's probably my favorite new bad lyric. I mean, hashtag lyrics are just stupid to begin with, but he just blurts it out there. I think that's what it sounds like when he orgasms. You know, like, "Uh, uh...bang bang! Gorilla!"
Another thing, you realize, "you'll be bangin' on my chest"? Gorillas bang on their own chest. You know, like this. [demonstrates, but hurts himself] Ow...
Bruno: ♪If the neighbors call the cops\ Call the sheriff, call the SWAT ‒ we don't stop\ We keep rocking while they're knocking on our door♪
Todd: Well, when they do knock down your door, make sure you've hidden your cocaine. You do have a problem with that."
- When looking back through Bruno's catalog to see if he's been sexually explicit in any other songs, he cues up "The Lazy Song":
: ♪Meet a really nice girl, have some really nice sex / And she's gonna scream out, "This is great!"♪ (Oh my god, this is so great
Todd: Yeah, point proven. I have a feeling that's a closer approximation of what sex with Bruno Mars is like.
- An obligatory reference:
Todd: Not everything sex-related is sexy, and I don't know if Bruno Mars understands that. Gorillas aren't really something that turns people on. Except for this hot little number here:
(clip of Noodle from Gorillaz dancing in the video for "DARE"
Todd: That one is pretty sexy. Otherwise, no.
- "If 'The Bad Touch' thought it was 'Kiss from a Rose', it'd be this. Mars may feel like this, but he's honestly more like this. At best. What is it with this guy and monkeys, anyway?" (cut to the dancers in monkey masks in the "Lazy Song" video")
- A subtle one: The review's title isn't "Wrecking Ball by Miley Cyrus"... it's "Wrecking Ball by Hannah Montana".
- The descriptions of Miley twerking on Robin Thicke.
- Todd is so bored with the "lifeless" state of recent pop music (e.g., dull ballads and droning EDM, both being things very hard to make fun of) that he's even willing to welcome back all his old enemies who've disappeared as of late.
- On Miley being naked in the video: "Look, she's... naked, with her naked, nude body... nakeding everywhere!"
- "Okay, this is me, but...she...she does not look attractive. She looks like someone Photoshopped some boobs on Justin Bieber."
- On Miley licking a sledgehammer in the video: "Mmm, tastes like drywall. You realize that thing was probably used to remove an old toilet from a remodeled bathroom, right?"
Todd: Like...ok, she's naked on a wrecking ball. What else is there to talk about? See, she's riding a giant ball. It's subtle. Here, let me make it even subtler for you.
(playing over the video) ♪We've got big balls\ Dirty big balls\ He's got big balls\ She's got big balls♪
- Todd's exaggerated reaction to Elisa calling him.
Todd: See, where it all went wrong is pretty obvious. Not everyone operates on the same comfort level or expectations. You can't just tear down someone's boundaries; you only end up unsatisfied and pushed even further away. So if you got that reaction from someone, you obviously were pushing too hard and you need to learn something about caring and understanding and respect.
Elisa: Hey, Todd. Paw and I were wondering if you still wanted to come over and catch up on True Blood.
Todd: STOP SMOTHERING ME!!!
- The return of The Four Chords of Pop.
Todd: Pop song chords: No. NO. YES.
- Todd's Mondegreen's of the song.
: "All you ever did was ra-a-ape me!" note Todd
: "That's literally all I can hear there. I spent the longest time trying to convince myself that Miley was just singing about her favorite Nirvana
- "I know it's not fair to let the video affect your opinion of the song, but, you know, who can really help it? 'Hello' will always be defined by Lionel Richie's giant, butt-ugly clay head, and 'Wrecking Ball' will always be a demolition fetishist's wet dream before it's anything else."
- To underscore the obvious testicle metaphors in the song's video, Todd plays "Chocolate Salty Balls (P.S. I Love You)" over the credits.
Counting Stars vs. Demons
- Todd's short rant about OneRepublic's and Imagine Dragons' band names:
Todd: [OneRepublic are] just a dull, weak sauce band. Like, even the name is bad. It stinks of corporate marketing, with that stupid capital letter in the name of it. Just pisses me off, looking at it. "OneRepublic". That's the name of a bank, goddammit. Now, Imagine Dragons, there's a band name. Just imagine: dragons! Not just a great name for a rock band, also just good advice in general. Having a bad day? Imagine dragons; dragons are awesome!
- Having already put Imagine Dragons on his "Best of 2012" list, and having put One Republic on his "Worst of 2010" list (as well as not liking much else they did), Todd criticizes One Republic for "Demons" and praises Imagine Dragons for "Counting Stars"...only to realize that he's switched them.
Todd: [Listening to "Demons"] Ok, the one thing I like about that OneRepublic song is that lead singer Ryan Tedder finally puts some passion into his voice, but that's it! Actually, he kinda sounds like the guy from Imagine Dragons.
Actually, he kinda looks like the guy from Imagine Dragons! [beat]
Actually, he uh...wait...
["Demons" singles cover appears on screen]
Wait, seriously?? And the other one...?
["Counting Stars" singles cover appears on screen]
Noooooooo... No no, wait, so the cool one, with the interesting music is by OneRepublic, and Imagine Dragons are the one doing that nothing burner dirge over there? What? WHAT?!
- "Man, I'm being awfully pleasantly surprised lately by things I hate that begin with "one." Maybe I should try watching One Tree Hill again. ...No."
- "This is just the blandest thing. It's boring, uncreative, lifeless, bog-standard adult-alternative complete with the famous four chords of pop. Pop song chAAAAHHHH!!!"
Todd: The lyric structure is actually really corny.
Dan Reynolds: ♪When the days are cold\ And the cards all fold\ And the saints we see\ Are all made of gold\ When your dreams...♪
♪When the whip comes down\ When they nuke the town\ When dead clowns can't clown\ We'll still be freakin' friends♪
- While "Counting Stars" is something completely different for One Republic, Todd doesn't want to oversell it.
Todd: I get the feeling Ryan Tedder didn't record this song risking his personal fortune and future. There wasn't a crowd of concerned people going, "YOU'RE A FOOL, TEDDER! A MAAAAADMAN!"
- "Listening to this does not make me imagine any demons, and it certainly doesn't make me imagine any dragons. Let me try. (cue images of Hefty bags, Clippy from Microsoft Office and Jacob from Twilight) Nothing."
- "OneRepublic gets off the shit list. Congratulations. You guys are no longer the poor man's Snow Patrol. You are now the middle-income earner's Snow Patrol!"