Screen Rant Pitch Meetings / Funny

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General

Any time the Producer says something very inappropriate is tight.
- Aquaman:
  Screenwriter: So then we're gonna jump forward in time and have a submarine filled with military seamen being attacked by pirates!
  Producer: (almost gleefully) Ohhh, seamen is tight.
  Screenwriter: (beat).......Are.
  Producer: Ahhhh, is that what the pirates sound like?
  Screenwriter: No, that's the word you should've used instead of "is" to downgrade that sentence from disgusting to just weird.
- Deadpool 2:
  Screenwriter: So the attack on the prison transport will go messy and they will end up releasing Juggernaut, who then rips Wade in half, which then leads to the baby junk scene.
  Producer: Oh, baby junk is ti-
  Screenwriter: Please stop trying to say that sentence.
- The Dark Knight Rises:
  Producer: Manholes are tight!
  Screenwriter: You realize this isn't an adult movie?
- Die Hard:
  Screenwriter: Yeah, well there's going to be kind of a recurring thing in the movie where characters don't shoot each other at key moments when they have a chance.
  Producer: How come?
  Screenwriter: Because then the movie would be over, and we gotta stretch this bad boy out.
  Producer: Fair enough. Stretching out bad boys is tight!
  Screenwriter: Ohhhh. That's the worst sentence I've ever heard.
  Producer: Yeah. That didn't sound right at all and I apologize.
- The Nun:
  Screenwriter: It's gonna be based that scary nun from The Conjuring 2!
  Producer: (almost gleefully) Ohhh, nuns are tight.
  Screenwriter (horrified): Oh my God, what?!
  Producer: Oh, I am so sorry, that sounded awful!
  Screenwriter: It really did!
  Producer: Let's just act like this never happened, okay?
  Screenwriter: It did, though. So anyway...
- Thor: Love and Thunder:
  Producer: Impaling people and stealing their belongings is tight!
  Screenwriter: Oh my god.
  Producer: That won't hold up in court, by the way, that wasn't an official admission of guilt or confession.
- Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2:
  Screenwriter: So then there's going to be a big fight and a bunch of people are going to die
  Producer: Oh a bunch of people dying is tight!
  Screenwriter: What?
  Producer: Wow, I don't know why I said that, that was pretty evil of me.
  Screenwriter: It really was!
  Producer: I've got some self-reflecting to do for sure.
- Avengers: Endgame Re-Release:
  Producer: Slapping things on top of bad boys is tight!
  Screenwriter: What what what?
  Producer: Wow I don't even know what I meant by that to be honest.
  Screenwriter: Oh, Okay. I feel very uncomfortable. Anyway...
- Pokémon: The First Movie:
  Screenwriter: Pokémon stands for "Pocket Monsters" and all these trainers have monsters in their pockets they fight with.
  Producer: Oooh, having a monster in your pocket is tight !
  Screenwriter: Ewww.
  Producer: Oh that sounded weird didn't it?
  Screenwriter: A little bit. And I should mention these monsters are actually in balls. They are not loose in your pockets.
  Producer: Oooh, having balls is - nevermind.
- Onward:
  Producer: (after the Screenwriter explains that Ian and Barley only succeed in bringing back their father's legs) So like a crotch? We're gonna be looking at a man's crotch quite a bit?
  Screenwriter: Okay yeah, sometimes we're gonna be looking at a crotch and I know it sounds weird, but it's actually quite touching.
  Producer: Oooh, touching crotches are tight!
  Screenwriter: Oh, my God!
  Producer: Oh, my God! I need to start filtering some of the things I say are tight!
  Screenwriter: You sure do, sir!
- Mortal Kombat (2021)
  Producer: Oooh, getting your soul sucked is—
  Screenwriter: Nope, don't say it.
  Producer: (beat) Oh, getting your soul s—
  Screenwriter: Please please stop.
  Producer: It's just, that's kind of my thing. Every meeting I say that something is tight. It's just kinda my catchphrase. I'm gonna feel weird all day if I don't get it out.
  Screenwriter: Yeah I know, it's just that sometimes it's kinda random and sometimes it's kinda gross so maybe get it out later when I'm gone, okay?
  Producer: Ohh, getting it out later when you're gone is tight!
  Screenwriter: Okay..
- Wrath of the Titans
  Producer Ohh, Sucking stuff out of Liam Neeson is tight!
  Screenwriter Oh My God!
  Producer Not in a weird way.
  Screenwriter What other possible way could there be?
  Producer Well, oh yeah no, that was weird, that was a weird thing to say.
- Film/Argylle
  Producer Shoving things down People's throats till they're sick is "Tight!" Producer guy and Screenwriter guy stare at each other
  Producer Don't tell HR I said that one.
- "Gods of Egypt"
  Producer Stolen body parts are "Tight"!
  Screenwriter Oh My God!
  Producer I mean, I Imagine, I don't have any in my filing cabinet.
The Running Gag of the Screenwriter having a creepy obsession with disturbing sex and constantly making graphic drawings of them, much to the Producer's horror:
- The Lion King:
  Screenwriter: We're also gonna have Simba grow up with this lioness named Nala and eventually they're gonna fall in love!
  Producer: But don't tribes of lions only have like one or two males?
  Screenwriter: Yeah, what does that have to do with anything?
  Producer: Well that means that Nala's father is either Mufasa or Scar.
  Screenwriter: Right, yeah!
  Producer: So Simba and Nala are either... half-siblings or cousins!
  Screenwriter: (smingly gleefully) Exactly!
  Producer: Oh, you're being weirdly okay with cat incest!
  Screenwriter: Yeah yeah yeah!
  Producer: Remind me to never hang out with you, okay?
  Screenwriter: I'll do that!
  (Later)
  Screenwriter: Yeah, and then Simba and Nala are gonna roll around, and she's gonna give him this look like "Oh, boy, you and I are gonna get it on, brother"!
  Producer: Feels like it's going to be difficult convey that expression on a cartoon animal.
  Screenwriter: Actually super easy, barely an inconvenience.
  Producer: Oh, really?
  Screenwriter: Yeah, just get me in a room with your weirdest animator and I'll tell him exactly how it should look
  Producer: Oh I can't wait for you to be out of my office you weirdo.
- Aladdin (2019):
  Screenwriter: [The Genie]'s a crush on one of Jasmine's handmaidens...
  Producer: So you're saying the Genie gets aroused by human women?
  Screenwriter: He does, and I have extremely graphic sketches of how that can work right here...
  Producer: Oh, definitely don't show me those!
  Screenwriter: Okay, I'll email them to you!
  Producer: I'll ignore it and block you!
  Screenwriter: Well okay, then. Anyway...
- Bee Movie:
  Screenwriter: So Barry's gonna, you know... instantly fall in love with her [Vanessa].
  Producer: What?
  Screenwriter: Yeah, he gets all nervous and flustered, he thinks she's just beautiful!
  Producer: You're saying we're gonna have a romantic storyline between a human woman and a bee?
  Screenwriter: That's right, sir, we are!
  Producer: But how would that even... work?
  Screenwriter: Well, I'm glad you ask that question, cause I actually have some very detailed drawings I'd like to show you...
  Producer: Oh, no no no, no thank you!
  Screenwriter: Oh, okay, I'll just email them over to you then.
  Producer: Please don't!
  Screenwriter: Oh, should I burn them?
  Producer: Absolutely, yeah! Please burn them as soon as you can!
  Screenwriter: I'll get on that right after this meeting, sir! I have a flamethrower in my car!
  Producer: You what?!
  Screenwriter: Anyway...
- The Incredibles:
  Screenwriter: Mr Incredible and Elastigirl are gonna get married.
  Producer: And they're gonna have kids?
  Screenwriter: Yes, three of them! And you can imagine what giving birth must be like for Elastigirl.
  Producer: I'd rather not.
  Screenwriter: But you can, right? You can imagine it?
  Producer: Please don't make me. (the Screenwriter just nods, causing the Producer to sigh with a disgusted face)
  - Later, when he mentions Elastigirl can't keep her hands off Mr Incredible after he got back in shape:
  Producer: And you say this is a kids movie?!
  Screenwriter: Well, we're not gonna show anything, we're just gonna imply that there is some intercourse going on.
  Producer: Okay!
  Screenwriter: But you can picture it, right?
  Producer: Please stop making me picture things!
The various (contradictory) explanations for Inexplicably Identical Individuals:
- The The Matrix pitch meetings the Producer mention that they're in a simulation where everyone but Hollywood actors has the same face.
- The Meg's pitch meeting proffers the explanation that the Producer has had plastic surgery done to look exactly like the Screenwriter, who thought he was going nuts.

Individual Pitches

Thor: Ragnarok:
- When the Producer asks how the character of Thor develops during the movie, the Screenwriter answers:
  Screenwriter: Right, so what I did was take Chris Hemsworth from Thor…
  Producer: Okay.
  Screenwriter: …then I took Chris Hemsworth from Ghostbusters…
  Producer: Right.
  Screenwriter: …and I kinda just squished them into one character.
- This transitions into a discussion about how Thor is significantly dumber:
  Producer: So it just comes across as dumb.
  Screenwriter: Exactly, so it's like either Thor is very stupid or it's a really lazy joke that doesn't actually make sense in the scene.
  Producer: It's not the second one, is it? <laughs>
  Screenwriter: <laughs> <clears throat>
- When they get to the topic of the movie's villain:
  Screenwriter: Right, so the main villain in the movie is called Hela, and she's the godess of death.
  Producer: Okay, now the main complaint about our movies is that the villains are kind of flat and one-dimensional, so what's Hela's deal?
  Screenwriter: Oh, you're gonna like this. Basically Hela's deal is that she… is evil.
  Producer: Oh, that's good.
  Screenwriter: Yeah, she's like… super evil. Very very evil.
  Producer: Sounds like the perfect villain.
- While going through the Screenwriter's notes, the Producer finds an interesting note:
  Producer: Hey, there's a page here that just says "Goldblum".
  Screenwriter: Oh, yeah, there's a character called Grandmaster that I didn't really know how to develop.
  Producer: Oh, so you want me to get Jeff Goldblum to come be Jeff Goldblum.
  Screenwriter: Yeah, I figured that would take care of that.
  Producer: That's smart. I'll see what I can do.
The Meg:
- When presenting the movie, the Screenwriter declares it's basically like one of these low-budget shark movies such as Sharknado or Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, except it will be a blockbuster movie that will cost a hundred and fifty millions dollars to make. The Producer asks him why they would spend so much money to do such a thing. The Screenwriter's answer?
  Screenwriter: Because we can afford it!
  Producer: Fair enough; that is why I do most of the things that I do!
  Screenwriter: Oh, it is?
  Producer: I mean, yeah! Why do you think I had plastic surgery to look exactly like you?
  Screenwriter: Oh, I thought I was going crazy! That explains so much!
- The Producer asks how this movie is gonna differenciate itself from classics like Jaws:
  Screenwriter: Well, you know how that movie was about taking down a really big shark?
  Producer: Mhm-mhm?
  Screenwriter: Well, this movie is gonna be about taking down a really, really big shark!
  Producer: That sounds different and worth doing!
  Screenwriter: Agreed!
- When the Producer questions the Screenwriter's choice of switching between dark and campy due to creating inconsistencies in the tone and making the film feel disjointed:
  Screenwriter: Well, look people say you can't have your cake and eat it too...
  Producer: Right, my point exactly!
  Screenwriter: ...But we're talking about seventy foot shark here, this thing can eat whatever it wants!
  Producer: I guess that makes sense.
- The Producer has a very specific and obvious target demographics in mind:
  Screeenwriter: Anyway, a couple of years later we're gonna be at this research center in the ocean-
  Producer: Off the coast of China.
  Screenwriter: Uh, okay, and there's this woman there and she is-
  Producer: Chinese Woman.
  Sreenwriter: (frowning) Sure, and later there's this beach-
  Producer: Chinese beach.
  Screenwriter: Okay, what's going on here?
  Producer: Sorry, it's just that a lot of our production budget is coming from China, so we have to throw in some Chinese elements in there to keep them happy.
  Screenwriter: All we have to do include some Chinese elements and they will give us a bunch of money?
  Producer: It’s as easy as that, pandering in Mandarin is tight!
Game of Thrones:
- The Screenwriter introduces the premise to the Producer:
  Screenwriter: Well, it's a fantasy show, so there's magic and sword fighting, and kings and queens...
  Producer: (enthousiastic) Exciting!
  Screenwriter: ... Brother and sister incest...
  Producer: What?
- The Producer gets somewhat annoyed by the Screenwriter killing in succession Ned Stark, his son Robb, his wife...
  Producer: Please stop doing this!
  Screenwriter: Well, killing off main characters is kinda gonna be our thing.
  Producer: And people are gonna enjoy that?
  Screenwriter: Yes, it's gonna keep them watching to see if their favourite characters live or not!
  Producer: Woah!
  Screenwriter: Spoiler alert, they... are not.
  Producer: This show sounds like a major bummer!
  Screenwriter: Oh, yeah, a major bummer!
  Producer: Do the characters ever take a break from the whole horrible stuff, maybe have a party or something?
  Screenwriter: Yeah, actually, there's gonna be a wedding!
  Producer: Aw, weddings are tight, I love weddings!
  Screenwriter: Yeah, so the wedding's gonna be when Rob and Catelyn get brutally murdered.
  Producer: Why are you like this?
  Screenwriter: Sorry, I have no choice, this is how the author wrote it!
  Producer: He just kills off main characters left and right?
  Screenwriter: Correct!
  Producer: Is that gonna be less and less shocking every time we do it?
  Screenwriter: I don't know!
  Producer: Fair enough.
- When the Screenwriter mentions Jon Snow's girlfriend Ygritte keeps telling him he knows nothing:
  Producer: Aw, my wife does the exact same thing to me! Does she scream it at him at the top of her lungs?
  Screenwriter: No, she just says it in a normal speaking voice.
  Producer: Oh, okay, so not exactly the same thing, then.
- After being told Ygritte dies too:
  Producer: I'm guessing Jon Snow is gonna die too?
  Screenwriter: He is!
  Producer: No surprise there...
  Screenwriter: But he's gonna be brought back to life!
  Producer: Wait, what?
  Screenwriter: Yeah, Jon Snow gets saved from everything, even death!
  Producer: How comes this guy's so lucky?
  Screenwriter: Well, eventually, we're gonna start running out of main characters in later seasons, so they're all gonna develop some pretty thick Plot Armor.
  Producer: What do you mean?
  Screenwriter: Well, things that would have had serious and permanent consequences in earlier seasons are gonna have like no consequences at all!
- After explaining how the show will mostly be about people talking and travelling with occasional nudity and gore to keep the audience invested, the Screenwriter gets to Daenerys:
  Screenwriter: She's gonna spend multiple seasons getting an army and growing some dragons!
  Producer: Sounds exciting!
  Screenwriter: Somehow it rarely will be.
  Producer: A lot of talking and travelling?
  Screenwriter: A lot of talking and travelling!
  Producer: Woah!
  Screenwriter: And her and Jon Snow are gonna fall in love and hook up!
  Producer: Aw, that's fun! It's important to have a nice love story...
  Screenwriter: He's technically her nephew.
  Producer: Oh, so more incest. Okay then.
Game of Thrones Season 8:
- Screenwriter is really on hurry to get this season and the series wrapped up.
  Producer: So, you have Game of Thrones season 8 for me?
  Screenwriter: Yes sir, I do, and I really want this to be over so could we speed this pitch meeting up, please?
  Producer: Oh, I mean, we literally just started.
  Screenwriter: Well, I'm in a rush, so y'know, let's get cracking!
  Producer: I mean, okay...
  - The Producer repeatedly trying to give the writer more episodes.
  Producer: It feels like this could've been fleshed out.
  Screenwriter: There's no time. There's only a couple of episodes left.
  Producer: You can have more episodes if you want.
  Screenwriter: I don't see any other way other than rushing it.
  Producer: You can do it in more episodes.
  Screenwriter: Oh damn this short final season!
  Producer: (dejected) Okay....
  [...]
  Screenwriter: Listen I just want her to be the bad guy and I don't have time to flesh out the justification.
  Producer: Would you like some time? You can have it.
  Screenwriter: No.
  Producer: Dang it. Okay.
- After hearing the description of the Night Walkers charging at the army:
  Producer: Oh, woah, it sounds like World War Z!
  Screenwriter: Exactly, yeah! It's gonna be like watching World War Z, but, you know, with like five pair of sunglasses on!
  Producer: What?
- The Screenwriter announces that Tyrion is going to hide in a crypt when trying to protect himself from the Night King, who has the power to raise the dead.
  Producer: I thought Tyrion was the smart one.
  Screenwriter: He used to be, but now I need things to happen really fast so that's all over!
- The reason given for Jon Snow's limited dialogues in the finale: the Screenwriter initially intended to have him deliver cool lines, but he messed up with the search and replace function of his computer and somehow that resulted in all his lines being changed to "She's our queen". He then went to change a few of them to "I don't want it" and stopped there.
A New Hope: When discussing Obi-Wan's famous line "Strike me down and I will become more powerful than you can ever imagine", the Producer comments that, for all this boast, Obi-Wan spending the rest of the movie just communicating telepathically with Luke and never directly helping doesn't exactly seems like more powerful than Vader can imagine.
Screenwriter: Well, I don't know, maybe Darth Vader doesn't have a very big imagination!
Aladdin (2019): When the Screenwriter suggests redoing Aladdin in live action, the Producer points out all the reasons this has no point:
Producer: So what would be the point of taking something that people love and try to re-create it several decades later? I mean, best case scenario, it's as good as the original! And saying that we should do it because filmmaking technology has improved isn't a valid argument! Like should we try to re-paint the Mona Lisa because we have better paints now? I just don't see why we would do this!
Screenwriter: (Beat) I mean.... because money?
Producer: Oh, money? I love money!
Avatar:
- Upon hearing the premise of the movie ("Pocahontas but in Space with some big blue kitty-cats"), the Producer assumes the Screenwriter is having a stroke and calls an ambulance to take him.
  Screenwriter: Oh, no, I didn't have a stroke, the movie is like a sci-fi Ferngully with aliens called the Na'vi.
  Producer: (Stunned silence) ... Yeah, he's definitely having a stroke, he's just saying gibberish words!
  - The Producer calls the ambulance even after the Screenwriter manages to convince him he's not having a stroke, because he likes the noise the siren makes.
  Screenwriter: It is a fun noise, sir!
- The Screenwriter informs the Producer he's going to called the substance in the movie Unobtainium:
  Producer: So that's like a splaceholder name, and you're going to come up with something less ridiculous?
  Screenwriter: ... Yep, yep, sure. I will.
- The Screenwriter explains the mechanism behind the Na'vi abilities to connect with Pandora's life forms:
  Producer: What kind of stuff does he get trained to do?
  Screenwriter: Well, she shows him how to plug his ponytails into some animals.
  Producer: What?
  Screenwriter: Yeah, you plug your ponytail into animals, you get to control them!
  Producer: That sounds pretty gross.
  Screenwriter: Oh, yeah, it's pretty weird, and at a certain point, if you want to join the clan, you have to plug it into this banshee dragon thing.
  Producer: Oh, yeah, and what's that like?
  Screenwriter: Well, you have to wrestle it down, and shove your thing into its thing, and it's gonna fight back, but you really need to pin it down and shove your tail in there.
  Producer: That sounds like something you should go to jail for.
- When describing Colonel Quaritch, the Screenwriter proudly declares he made sure to give him a really compelling backstory and multiple layers of Character Development... before admitting he's kidding and just made him a mean military guy.
The Nun:
- The Screenwriter describes how Father Burke will, upon hearing spooky noise, go in the dark alone to try to find what the source is:
  Producer: Oh, we're doing that whole thing, uh?
  invoked Screenwriter: Yeah, basically, the only reason characters ever walk around in this movie is because they hear something horrifying and they go check it out alone.
  Producer: That is the only logical thing to do when you hear something horrifying.
- After hearing how Father Burke got buried alive by the Nun (who for some reason bothered to add a little tombstone on it), the Producer asks how he gets out of it:
  Screenwriter: Oh, yeah, it's gonna be super-easy, barely an inconvenience!
  Producer: Oh, it is?!
  Screenwriter: Yeah, the Nun was nice enough to include a little bell he could ring to let people know he's in there!
  Producer: Woah, what a sweetheart!
- The Producer asks if after the above situation, the protagonists finally report everything back to the Vatican:
  Screenwriter: Well, no, they still need to figure out if this place is unholy!
  Producer: Did getting buried alive by an evil nun not settle that?
  Screenwriter: No, that wasn't enough.
  Producer: Oh.
- The Screenwriter describes the scene of the movie where Valaak's origin is shown in flashback:
  Screenwriter: We're gonna have this flashback to medieval times when the gates of Hell are opening up, and a bunch of knights storm in, and they have to close it up with the blood of Jesus Christ.
  Producer: Wow, that actually sounds like a really good movie!
  Screenwriter: I know, right?
  Producer: Sounds like you should have written a movie about that instead of this story!
  Screenwriter: Whoops!
  Producer: Whoopsies!
Dumbo:
- The video starts out in sepiatone with the two speaking like 1940s radio announcers before slowing down to speak more naturally.
- After the Screenwriter describes the infamous Pink Elephants sequence and all the imagery he wrote for it, the Producer just stares in Stunned Silence for a minute before asking "are you okay there, buddy?"
- The Screenwriter was evidently unaware of World War II going on.
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them: The reason for the creation of this spin-off film series is revealed to be...
Screenwriter: ...I got your panicked 3AM phone call and got straight to work.
Producer: Yeah, sorry about that. I just had this sudden realization that there's more money to be squeezed out of the Harry Potter franchise.
Screenwriter: Over 6 billion dollars at the box office wasn't enough for you?
Producer: Well no, obviously you need more than six billion dollars if you want to buy Canada.
Screenwriter: Oh, is that what you are working towards!?
Producer: I've said too much, so what do you have?
Coraline:
- The Producer's reactions to the infamously disturbing Beldam and what she does to her victims.
  Producer, still smiling: Oh, why are you like this?
  Screenwriter: It's just fun times.
  Producer: What kind of awful stuff happened to you as a kid?
  Screenwriter: You couldn't possibly imagine.
- The Producer is happy that the Screenwriter has a children's movie for him because he's been promising his daughter that he's going to make one. He immediately calls her without waiting to hear what the movie's actually about.
  Producer: Oh, that's actually perfect; I've been promising my daughter that I'd produce a kid's movie, and.. Let me just call her real quick, she's gonna love this!
  Screenwriter: Sure.
  Producer: Hey Cindy? Daddy's finally gonna make a children's movie, just like he promised, okay?
  Screenwriter: Oh, such a sweet moment!
  Producer: She's super happy, this is really gonna help our family situation.
  Screenwriter: Anyways, Coraline's other parents have buttons sewn into their skulls where their eyes should be.
  Producer: ...Daddy's gonna call you back, okay, Cindy?
  Screenwriter: Bye, Cindy!
- The Screenwriter isn't good at math. Or biology.
  Screenwriter: Listen, who's to say how many eyes humans have?
  Producer: ..Biologists.
  Screenwriter: Yeah, nobody knows!
- Best of all - Neil Gaiman has confirmed on Twitter that this is basically how the actual pitch meeting went.
Jurassic World:
- The Screenwriter tries to announce the title to the Producer, and asks him what he thinks the next big thing is after a park.
  Producer: I don't know, the World?
  Screenwriter: ... Yes, exactly.
  Producer: That's your title? Jurassic World?
  Screenwriter: Yep, no, you guessed it! That's... that's the title! You figured it out! (camera moves to reveal the title he had planned was "Jurassic Circus")
- The main characters are so one-dimensional and flat the Screenwriter didn't bother actually giving them names, instead just referring to them as "Money lady" (for Claire) and "Animal-loving Navy guy" (Owen) until the Producer insists he gives them actual names.
- The Screenwriter's description of the Indominus Rex:
  Screenwriter: Oh yeah, this thing is nuts! It has T-Rex genes...
  Producer: Woah!
  Screenwriter: ... And raptor genes...
  Producer: Scary!
  Screenwriter: ... And snake genes...
  Producer: Hum...
  Screenwriter: ... And treefrog genes...
  Producer: What?
  Screenwriter: ... And cuttlefish genes...
  Producer: Okay, this sounds like too many genes!
  Screenwriter: No! You see, having a lot of genes meant I could make the dinosaur do whatever I needed it to do for the plot!
  Producer: Oh! Smart! What can it do?
  Screenwriter: Well, it's able to set up distractions, it can control its body temperature to hide from thermal detection which it knows about and understands, it can also detect thermal radiations, which it uses to hunt, it can also camouflage itself and also it kills for sport, and it knows that there's a tracker inside of it and it's able to remove it!
  Producer: Wait! How does it know what a tracker is?!
  Screenwriter: I don't know, maybe it has genes from like a tactical system specialist from the FBI or something...
  Producer: What?
  Screenwriter: SEAL Team Six genes... I don't know! What I'm trying to say is that it's a very smart, borderline magical monster!
- The Running Gag of the Producer constantly asking the Screenwriter if the characters finally call for the evacuation after all the horrible things that happen in the movie.
  Producer: Please tell me they call for an evacuation now!
- After the description of Zara's infamous Cruel and Unusual Death:
  Producer: JESUS! What did she do deserve that?!
  Screenwriter: Um... nothing, I guess.
  Producer: Wasn't your ex-girlfriend a British woman named Zara?
  Screenwriter: I mean, I don't see what that has to do with anything...
  - Which leads to this moment later when narrating the Indominus Rex's death:
  Screenwriter: ... And then the bad dinosaur gets eaten by the same shark-thing as my ex-girlfriend!
  - It's also worth noting that Zara is the only character in the pitch that was already named beforehand.
- The idea of the movie's villain wanting to weaponize the Raptors sounds so stupid the Producer can't help but chuckle whenever it gets mentioned.
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom:
- Upon hearing the premise of the park being built on an active volcano and the villains trying to make an Auction of Evil to sell dinosaurs to terrorists, the Producer assumes the Screenwriter must be kidding until being told otherwise.
  Producer: Oh, okay, I guess that because the stuff you're saying is so ridiculous, I'm like "either this guy's joking or the script is really dumb"!
  Screenwriter: Well... I'm... I'm not joking.
- Upon being told the group decides to let the dinosaurs die:
  Producer: You know, it's actually refreshing to have characters thinking rationally instead of just making stupid decisions and...
  Screenwriter: ... So then the protagonists are gonna go save the dinosaurs themselves!
  Producer: Oh, they are! Okay, nevermind.
- The Screenwriter promptly goes back to using nicknames based on their character traits to design Claire and Owen, because, as he puts it, "literally nobody remembers or cares" about their names.
- Since the story makes no sense whatsoever, the Producers decides to play on this by showing the full story in the trailer, reasoning that people watching this will think there is no way the story could be that stupid and will go see the movie to find out.
Space Jam:
- The Producer constantly asking why, if Bugs Bunny was able to trick the Nerdlucks into giving the Looney Tunes a chance to defend themselves by writing it on a piece of paper and taping it into a rulebook, why he doesn't do that again to trick them into other things, or just write a rule that says they can't enslave the Looney Tunes. Also constantly asking why the Looney Tunes kidnap only Michael Jordan and no-one else to help them.
- The discussions about Lola.
  Screenwriter: And then a really sexy female rabbit's gonna walk in.
  Producer: What?
  Screenwriter: Yeah, we're gonna play sexy jazz music, she's gonna walk all sensually...
  Producer: Why are you doing this?
  Screenwriter: And Bugs Bunny's gonna get turned on because of how hot she is!
  Producer: Do we really need a storyline where the cartoon rabbit gets horny?
  Screenwriter: I sure would like that.
  Producer: You're uh, you're a pretty weird guy, huh?
  Screenwriter: Yeah!
  Producer: Alright, well we'll put it in the movie, if you promise never to come near my kids and family.
  Screenwriter: It's a deal, sir. I already can't go near schools and playgrounds.
  Producer: That's actually comforting to know, good.
  - Then leads into a Brick Joke later when the Screenwriter mentions Bugs' Heroic Sacrifice to save Lola from being crushed by a Mon-Star.
  Screenwriter: So Lola's gonna be so grateful she's gonna give me a big kiss on the lips!
  Producer: Don't you mean she's gonna give Bugs a big kiss on the lips?
  Screenwriter: Oh, uh... I guess that works too.
It:
- The Screenwriter tries to give the title to the Producer, which quickly leads to confusion:
  Screenwriter: Are you familiar with It?
  Producer: With what?
  Screenwriter: It!
  Producer: What's "it", though?
  Screenwriter: The name of the book!
  Producer: What is?
  Screenwriter: No... It is!
  Producer: What?
  Screenwriter: It!
  Producer: (confused silence) ... What is the name of the book?
  Screenwriter: "It" is the name of the book!
  Producer: What is?
  Screenwriter: It!
  Producer: You gotta help me out here, man!
  Screenwriter: Okay... there's a book!
  Producer: Right.
  Screenwriter: There's a title written on the front of that book.
  Producer: Of course!
  Screenwriter: That title...
  Producer: Yes?
  Screenwriter: ... is "It"!
  Producer: Right!
  Screenwriter: ... You understand?
  Producer: Yes.
  Screenwriter: You know what the title is, now?
  Producer: I do!
  Screenwriter: Tell me the title.
  Producer: ... I don't know the title.
  Screenwriter: It's "IT"! The book is called "It"!
  Producer: Oh, "It" is the title!
  Screenwriter: Yes!
  Producer: Why didn't you just say that?
  Screenwriter: I... (gives up) I don't know.
  Producer: This movie's gonna be hard for people to google!
  Screenwriter: Oh, yeah, probably!
- The Producer asks why Pennywise doesn't kill the protagonists right away as he did with the kids at the beginning:
  Screenwriter: Well, there is a reason for it in the book, but we're not gonna talk about it in the movie.
  Producer: ... I feel like we should talk about it, though. What is it?
  Screenwriter: The kids are under the protection of a cosmic turtle god that vomitted out the Universe.
  Producer: ... Yeah, maybe let's not talk about it in the movie.
  Screenwriter: Yeah, probably shouldn't.
- The Screenwriter says something so messed up that the Producer actually looks pissed puts his foot down hard.
  Screenwriter: So anyway, the kids all defeat Pennywise by banding together and beating him, not being afraid of him. Then he kind of goes away to wait for the sequel.
  Producer: Oh, that sounds like a pretty interesting concept, and-
  Screenwriter: And then the kids have an orgy.
  Producer: ...Wait, what?
  Screenwriter: Well, the kids get lost on their way out of the sewers, so they, you know, take turns having sex with Beverly.
  Producer: What are you talking about!?
  Screenwriter: It's in the book.
  Producer: There's no way that's in the book.
  Screenwriter: I swear to God. Something about bringing the group together so they can remember how to leave.
  Producer: Jesus!
  Screenwriter: You think I should leave that scene out out of the movie?
  Producer: Should you leave the child gang-bang out of the movie? Yeah, probably.
The Big Bang Theory
- When asked whether coming up with catch phrases is hard, what does the Screenwriter say? What else but the show's trademark Catchphrase?
  Screenwriter: Actually super easy, barely an inconvenience.
- After revealing that most of the humor is derived from laughing at nerds.
  Producer: It's fun to laugh at nerds. That's how I spent most of my time in high school.
- After discussing Howard's creepy and sexist behavior.
  Producer: I just hope there's never any kind of social movement that holds people accountable for that kind of inappropriate behavior.
  Screenwriter: Me too.
The Predator:
Writer: It wants to rip this kid's spine so he can use its autism to level up.
[the earth starts shaking]
Producer: Oh, it's happening. (...) When all the people who pioneered cinema roll over in their graves at the same time, it can cause some little earthquakes.
The Rise of Skywalker: After the Screenwriter reveals that Rey is Palpatine's granddaughter, this happens:
Producer: So that means that Palpatine has gotten... you know, intimate?
Screenwriter: Oh my god yeah, no, I guess it does! Oh no!
Producer: Oh no no no no no...
Screenwriter: Oh I'm picturing it!
Producer: So am I and I hate it!
Screenwriter: (Imitating Palpatine in Revenge of the Sith) Do it!
Producer: Oh, he for sure said that!
Spider-Man leaving the MCU.
- The Producer and his counterpart from Sony get into an argument over who gets all the money from Spider-Man, each proposing a "compromise" in which he gets it all.
  Screenwriter: Oh, I feel like I'm watching my parents fight or something.
  Producer: Oh, your parents are tight.
  Screenwriter: Wut.
- As the Sony Producer takes the Screenwriter away, he says goodbye to the other Producer, saying that "loving (him) was super easy, barely an inconvenience." After the Screenwriter is told that he misread his entire relationship with the Producer, they exchange "Whoopsie"s.
- When the Sony producer leaves with the Screenwriter, the video cuts to stock footage of an airplane flying. When we cut back to the Sony offices, the Screenwriter questions why they had to take a plane across the street.
- After greeting the Sony producer as "new sir," the Screenwriter lists all the things he'd like to follow up on from Spider-Man: Far From Home, only to be told that since they belong to the MCU, he can't do that.
  Screenwriter: So Aunt May and Happy are together and-
  Sony Producer: Can't have Happy.
  Screenwriter: Wow, that actually sums up my feelings pretty accurately.
- When the Sony Producer proposes another reboot of Spider-Man, the Screenwriter, of all people, questions whether it would be a good idea to retread the story again.
- The Oh, Crap! reactions of the Sony Producer and Screenwriter when they see the online fallout of their decision, followed by the Producer awkwardly stating that he needs "to make some calls," and a Gilligan Cut to Sony's openness to renegotiations.
Wreck-It Ralph:
- The Screenwriter tells the Producer he wants to make a movie like Toy Story about something having a secret life, but for modern kids who don't have toys, so he wants the Producer to guess what kids use more than toys nowadays. The Producer guesses The Emoji Movie, to both his and the Screenwriter's disgust, immediately regretting the suggestion and saying he hopes no one ever makes that.
- Immediately after setting up the video game setting, the two discuss setting it in an arcade, since the Producer seems to think that kids these days love arcades.
- The Producer asks about the Fridge Logic associated with the characters dying if the arcade machine is unplugged, and brings up some of the situations in which the machines might get temporarily unplugged. The Screenwriter tells him not to think about the worldbuilding so much.
Star Trek
- The Producer asks why a group of young Vulcan bullies who have made dozens of attempts to get an emotional reaction out of Spock never thought of trying Your Mom.
- The Producer sees the point of the A Minor Kidroduction for Kirk and Spock- proving that they were once children.
Onward: After describing the emotional final act.
Producer: Oh, so this is how we get the tears?
Screenwriter: This is how we get the tears! I was told that was a requirement.
Producer: Oh yeah, Pixar runs on tears.
Screenwriter: Right.
Producer: {screen turns blood red) WE RUN ON TEARS.
Screenwriter: Oh my God.
The Amazing Spider-Man 2:
- Early on in the meeting, the Screenwriter shows that he's learned nothing from Spider-Man 3 by making the same mistakes, only with different characters. In the case of the Big Bad Ensemble, the Screenwriter proves that he doesn't even remember that Green Goblin!Harry was in the third movie of the Sam Raimi trilogy.
- Norman Osborn is honestly surprised that he's dying of a hereditary Osborn disease that he's been suffering from since he was Harry's age. Speaking of Harry, he believes he'll die in the near future, and not when, say, he's his father's age.
- When discussing the Villain Team-Up of Electro and the Green Goblin, the Screenwriter says they're going to team up to fight Spider-Man... and then take turns fighting him. The Producer makes note of how bad this strategy is.
A Quiet Place:
- The Screenwriter describes the setting at the start of the film- an American city in the year 2020 in which the streets are deserted, much to the Producer's amazement. Sound familiar?
- The Producer, knowing that he needs 100 pounds of sand to fill his son's sandbox, calculates that the Abbotts would need tons of sand to make a path to quietly walk into town.
- The Producer is surprisingly insightful in this video, thinking of many things that the Abbotts shouldn't have done or could have done differently, none of which occurred to them despite surviving for months as of the start of the movie. At the top of the list is the decision to have "a screaming baby."
- During the waterfall scene, the Producer wondering what dark headspace the father had to have been in to have discovered that he can yell around a waterfall and not be murdered by aliens.
John Wick:
- When the Producer hears that Daisy dies, he stops smiling and goes silent for five seconds.
  Producer: Okay, some people better die for that.
- When the Screenwriter insists John's nickname Baba Yaga means the boogeyman, the Producer googles it.
  Producer: Okay, it says here in Slavic folklore Baba Yaga is a supernatural being who appears as a deformed old woman with drooping breasts.
  Screenwriter: What?
  Producer: So how droopy are John's breasts exactly? (measures the length of his chest) Just say when so I know.
  Screenwriter: Oh, I was so sure it was boogeyman...
  Producer: Yeah, I think that's "babayka".
  Screenwriter: Oh, dang it... Well, I already wrote Baba Yaga.
  Producer: Well it's probably fine.
  Screenwriter: Yeah, I'd have to reprint this and everything.
  Producer: Don't even worry about it. So what does the droopy-breasted witch do next?
- The Screenwriter comments that they'll keep John's fighting style of Gun Fu and point-blank headshots going into the high seventies.
  Producer: What, Fahrenheit?
  Screenwriter: No, corpses.
  Producer: Oh my god.
- What happens when John goes to the club to look for Iosef? "Pow-pow-pow, pow pow pow."
  Producer: Were those heads being shot?
  Screenwriter: Those were heads being shot, yeah, that's right.
  Producer: Pow pow pow. Pow.
Breaking Dawn:
- After being told about the Imprinting subplot in the film, the producer just goes quiet for a solid several seconds while he processes what he was just told.
  Producer: [very somber] ... I don't like that...
  Screenwriter: Oh don't worry sir, it's not weird at all; 'cause Jacob's going to help raise the child before getting romantically involved with it.
  Producer: [sighs] ... I mean, you know that that's somehow worse, right? You know that.
  Screenwriter: Oka-okay, sir. But, you have-you have to remember-
  Producer: What?
  Screenwriter: Money!
  Producer: [back to his normal self] Oh yeah! Money! Okay, yeah, no, no, yeah! I'm back into this! Okay!
  Screenwriter: Okay, good!
  Producer: So the wolf-man will raise the baby and then sleep with it and our teenage audience will pay to come watch that! Okay, keep going.
  - Later, after being reminded of the subplot at the end of the video, he has to close his eyes and keep whispering "Money, money, money" to himself to stop himself from pulling the plug on the film out of sheer disgust.
- He also has a similar reaction upon hearing of the infamous Anti-Climax of the film.
  Producer [ten solid seconds of silence] [Dissilusioned] What are we doin' here, man?
Beauty and the Beast (2017): The Screenwriter explains all the points of the curse^{The list} The Producer then asks if the Enchantress told the Prince all this for five hours, and the Screenwriter suggests that she had a "magical PowerPoint presentation" for the Prince.
Back to the Future
- The Producer takes note of all the morally questionable things Doc Brown has done, from using dogs in his time travel experiments to ripping off terrorists for plutonium, and asks if he's actually the bad guy.
- Larry, a subordinate of the Producer, comes into the office in time to hear out of context the Screenwriter outline Marty's plan to pretend to force himself on his own mother, so his father can fight him off, thus resulting in Marty's mother getting together with her future husband, rather than her son^note. Larry is so squicked out that he decides to leave.
  Larry: ...Okay, I'm gonna go.
  Producer: You sure? You can stick around.
  Larry: No, no, I incest- I insist!
- The Producer tries to get the Screenwriter to name the movie "Spaceman From Pluto", something the Screenwriter all but outright states is never going to happen.
Tenet
- Several times, the Screenwriter starts talking about the plot of the film... while playing very loud music. The Producer complains about how it makes it hard to understand what he's saying.
- The Screenwriter describing the plot while the background changes repeatedly. The Producer lampshades the Fridge Logic of the situation, pointing out that, in-universe, this means that the characters stop their conversation, move somewhere else, and then continue it. After brushing that off, the Screenwriter proceeds to continue explaining the plot... after waiting several minutes for an Uber to take the two of them back to the office.
- At the end of the pitch meeting, the Producer gets a nosebleed trying to understand the timeline of events in the film.
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
- The accidental reveal about the Producer's... origins.
  Screenwriter: Yeah, so Saruman, he's helping Sauron build an army of orcs, and these things are crazy. They're born fully grown, covered in goo.
  Producer: Oh, samesies.
  Screenwriter: [Flat "What"] What?
  Producer: [Nothing To See Here] What?
- Seems like the Screenwriter has been making a few side deals:
  Screenwriter: And they're gonna keep walking, and also they're gonna walk, and they're gonna walk so much, dude.
  Producer: Okay, that sounds kinda boring.
  Screenwriter: Actually it's gonna be nice to look at, cause we're gonna showcase the beautiful scenery of New Zealand.
  Producer: Oh, we are.
  Screenwriter: Yeah, just stunning landscapes. New Zealand is truly a beautiful place.
  [He winks offscreen. Cut to another guy wearing a t-shirt that says "NEW ZEALAND TOURIST BOARD", who gives him a cheery thumbs-up.]
- Also a nod to the trilogy format:
  Screenwriter: And then Gandalf, he's gonna have to stand up to this big fire demon, and then he's gonna end up falling!
  Producer: Oh, where does he fall?
  Screenwriter: Into the sequel.
  Producer: Okay great!
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers: The Producer dies and comes back as "Producer Guy The White", basically exactly the same as before but with a white suit and ridiculous white wig.
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
- The Screenwriter's tidy recapitulation of some plot points:
  Producer: [still in his Producer Guy The White costume] So what's going on with the other people?
  Screenwriter: Oh, they got some important information from a bowling ball [clip of Pippin struggling with the Palantír] so they go to this place called Minas Tirith, this real wedding cake of a city.
  Producer: Oh, delicious cities are tight!
- The Producer gets increasingly disturbed by the film's Ending Fatigue:
  Screenwriter: And then some eagles come and pick up Sam and Frodo and they fly away!
  Producer: Amazing!
  Screenwriter: And then Frodo wakes up in bed and sees all his friends come in and they’re all super-happy!
  Producer: Wow, wow, wow, well what a satisfying ending to a great trilogy.
  Screenwriter: And then Aragorn becomes king and everyone bows to the hobbits!
  Producer: Yeah, okay, yeah, that’s a great place to end it too, very very nice.
  Screenwriter: And then the hobbits go back to the Shire and nobody seems to care about their big adventure so it’s a little weird.
  Producer: Can’t help but notice that you’re still talking.
  Screenwriter: And then Sam falls in love and he gets married!
  Producer: Okay, yep, sure, all right.
  Screenwriter: And then Frodo finishes writing his own book!
  Producer: Glad to hear somebody knows when to end things.
  Screenwriter: And then he calls it "Lord of the Rings".
  Producer: That’s the name of the trilogy that’s somehow still going!
  Screenwriter: And then Frodo and Bilbo and Gandalf, they get on a boat, cause they have some other places to go.
  Producer: Ohmigod, is this just the first act of another adventure?
  Screenwriter: And then as they sail off in a boat, we fade to white.
  Producer: Oh we do?! We fade to white?
  Screenwriter: We fade to white.
  Producer: Wow. Okay. Well… Okay.
  [Very long pause]
  Producer: Well I think it’s a great trilogy–
  Screenwriter: And then we go back to the Shire.
  Producer: Oh my god.
  Screenwriter: And we see Sam with his family and there’s a nice little voice-over from Frodo–
  Producer: Please stop. Please stop.
  Screenwriter: And then that’s it, we’re done.
  Producer: I don’t, I don’t believe you.
  Screenwriter: We’re all done sir, roll credits.
  Producer: Is there a post-credits scene? 
  Screenwriter: There is not, no. It’s all done.
  Producer: Well you certainly squeezed a lot out of these books.
  Screenwriter: Yep, that’s about all there is to say about Middle-Earth.
  [clip of news story announcing that The Hobbit has begun production]
Transformers (2007): The Screenwriter enthusiastically explains the city battle and the Producer is equally excited. But then he accidentally says "POW POW BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!" to the Producer's confusion. He meant to say "POW POW BOOM BOOM BOOM BAM!" which makes more sense.
Alien: Covenant
- One of the crew actually holds the Smart Ball and refuses to fly the ship, which has two thousand people in cryosleep on it, through a hurricane to save only a handful of crew members. The Producer is happy that someone's actually making a reasonable decision. Only for it to immediately get reversed.
Screenwriter: But then Tennesee says "Please" and they immediately fly down there.
Producer: Immediately reversing your convictions is tight!
Screenwriter: No, it isn't.
Producer: (completely serious) I agree.
Cruella: When the Producer asks how they're gonna make Cruella, a character infamous for trying to kill dalmation puppies and skin them for a coat, likeable, the Screenwriter explains that the antagonist of the movie will be more evil than Cruella. This then leads to them considering making an origin story for the Baroness, and then one for her villain, and so on to the dawn of time. Then the Screenwriter brings up how time is considered a cruel mistress, and that they could make a movie about the origin of time itself.
F9
- When the Screenwriter says Dom is going to swing himself and Letty across a canyon with a rope, the Producer is actually impressed at how logical that sounds. Then the Screenwriter says they're going to do it with Dom's car. The Producer can't understand how they "Tarzan swing" with a car.
- Dom's brother decided to become an international spy/assassin after being cast out of the family.
  Producer: That doesn't seem like a logical jump.
  Screenwriter: Yeah, it's an illogical jump. Which is literally our whole thing.
- When the Producer asks at the end how they're going to explain not seeing Dom's brother until now, the Screenwriter says they'll get creative with casting. Cut to an article saying they've cast John Cena. ^Explanation
The Suicide Squad
- The Screenwriter suggests adding "The" to the title to differentiate this movie from the 2016 original. The Producer then exclaims that "Suicide Squad, The" is a much better title.
- The following exchange regarding Peacemaker's casting:
  Producer: Who were you thinking for that?
  Screenwriter: I was thinking John Cena.
  Producer: Oh, you know what I can't see him in that role!
  Screenwriter: Quietly stares and sighs in disappointment.
  Producer: Because of his catchphrase-
  Screenwriter: I understand the joke, sir, I just hate it.
Old: The Producer has a Heroic BSoD when the Screenwriter says Trent and Kara (who are mentally still children despite growing to teenagers) have sex and she gives birth to a baby that died after a 20 minute ordeal. He changes his tune once the Screenwriter says the movie is based off a graphic novel with the same scene, but mostly because the Producer knows they can squeeze some money from an existing IP.
Transformers: Age of Extinction: The Screenwriter's description of the final battle.
Screenwriter: Things explore, metal punches metal, good guys win, guns, boobs, America, victory.
Producer: Oh, very cool!
Screenwriter: Yeah it's pretty cool, I'm pretty good at my job.
Venom: Let There Be Carnage
- The Producer is worried that the movie won't really stand out in any way so the Screenwriter suggests they add a post credit scene where they shove Venom into the MCU. The Producer's expression of pure corporate lust suggests he just discovered religion via that idea.
- The Screenwriter describing Carnage's escape scene gives a good idea why Carnage doesn't really work in a PG-13 setting.
  Screenwriter: He tears them apart, he rips their spines out, and blood spurts-
  Producer: PG-13!
  Screenwriter: He throws some guards offscreen onto the wall, that probably hurts.
Halloween Kills
- The Producer asks the screenwriter who the protagonist of the movie is. The Screenwriter's response: "Pass."
- The Producer takes issue with the idea that Michael Meyers has been "terrorizing" the town.
  Producer: Hasn't Michael been locked up for the last forty years after killing three people in the late seventies?
  Screenwriter: Yeah, just terrorizing the town.
- On the Mob's lack of guns:
  Screenwriter: This is small-town America; they don't really have guns.
  Producer: Ehhhh...
Skyfall
- The Screenwriter explains Silva's plan to kill M.
  Producer: He knew that Q had already pooped that day or he was going to poop later?
  Screenwriter:: Yeeeeeah...
- The Screenwriter happily declares that he's going to rip off Home Alone by having Bond and M booby-trap Bond's house, which will be "just as deadly as the ones Kevin McAllister set up!"
Eternals
- Throughout the pitch, the Producer keeps insisting that this could work better as a Disney+ series due to the large cast and massive scope of the story, but the Screenwriter is real insistent on being a movie. Culminating in:
  Screenwriter: So, what do you think?
  Producer: Well, it sounds like it could be a fantastic series.
  Screenwriter: This is a movie.
  Producer: I said what I said.
- Producer Guy points out that, since the goal of The Eternals involves promoting the growth of the human population, it would have served their interests to stop Thanos from carrying out his plan:
  Screenwriter Guy: Well, here's the thing, we already didn't introduce the Eternals into The Avengers movies, so I'm gonna need you to get allllllll the way off my back about this.
Spider-Man: No Way Home
- The Screenwriter tries to hype the Producer up by mentioning Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield showing up, but the Producer is nonplussed by that. Turns out he never saw the original movies. After mentioning getting Alfred Molina back, the Producer says he loved him in Chocolat. An annoyed Screenwriter tells him to go watch the original five movies.
- During discussion of the third act.
  Producer: Man, it's going to be a little hard to keep track of which Spider-Man is which during the big fight, huh?
  Screenwriter: Actually, yeah a little...
The Batman (2022)
- The Screenwriter mentions that he wants to make it the "darkest batman movie yet." He doesn't mean in terms of tone but in terms of lighting.
- When the Screenwriter mentions that he wants to cast Robert Pattinson as Batman, the producer thinks that he wants to do it because he played Edward Cullen in Twilight, who was a vampire, and bats are associated with vampires. Screenwriter replies that he actually wants to do it because Robert Pattinson is an extremely talented actor.
The Mandalorian:
- When the Producer hears about the "amazing merchandising opportunity" that is baby Yoda, his eyes become dollar signs, promptly causing both him and Screenwriter to freak out. Cue an Overly Long Gag about Producer trying to figure out what happened.
- The Screenwriter describes the general plot of the first episode^* then says "Times eight." When the Producer asks for clarification, the Screenwriter remarks that's going to be the general plot of every episode in the season, then corrects himself and says "Times sixteen" since they'll have two seasons.
Day Shift: Screenwriter Guy starts the meeting with a Bait-and-Switch on the plot that Producer Guy doesn't take all that well.
Producer: [After an extended Beat] You f*cking lied to me?
- Producer Guy getting increasingly annoyed as Screenwriter Guy rattles off worldbuilding and plot twists that don't actually affect the plot:
  Screenwriter: ...in this house where there are actually a bunch of different types of vampires living together, which shouldn't really be possible, so it's like "woah, what's going on here!?"
  Producer: Okay, well that's gotta be important to know later; that seems significant!
  Screenwriter: No, that's not gonna come up again.
  Producer: (furious) Okay, you know what...!
The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power: The writer informing the producers about how a bunch of villagers have a lot of speeches:
Producer: Are those villagers gonna fight?
Screenwriter: A lot of them are, yeah cause' two or three times per episode somebody stands up and gets an inspirational speech.
Producer: Kind of a lot of speeches.
Screenwriter: It is a lot of speeches, but what, are we supposed to just stand around and not listen to a bunch of speeches? No! Today is when he take our stand!
Producer: What are you even talking about?
Screenwriter: I don't even know. I've written so many of those my brain is basically mush at this point.
She-Hulk: Attorney at Law: When the Writer tells the Producer how they predict audience backlash and how to handle it.
Screenwriter: Exactly! So some people are gonna be like "Whaaat!" and other people are gonna be, y'know, deeply angry about it.
Producer: Oh, my god, what?
Screenwriter: Yeah, see that's gonna be a kinda thing in this show. We're gonna rile up angry internet dudes and then make fun of them for getting riled up.
Producer: That's gonna be really good for the state of internet discourse, yeah.
Screenwriter: Yeah, that's gonna help with all the toxicity online, I'm pretty sure.
Pinocchio (2022, Disney):
- Screenwriter Guy cannot pronounce Pinocchio's name for the life of him, butchering it in a different way every time he has to say it. Highlights include Pineapple Chai, Pickled Chiapet and Pink Coolio.
- When they talk about Pinocchio going to Pleasure Island:
Producer: Ooh, going to Pleasure Island is tight!
Screenwriter: Oh, somehow it makes me uncomfortable when you say that, sir.
Producer: As it should!
Avatar: The Way of Water:
- Screenwriter guy mentions that they're trying to break the record for "most uses of the word 'bro' in a screenplay."
- After being informed that the climax of the film takes place on a slowly-sinking ship, Producer Guy mentions that sounds familiar. Apparently, James Cameron specifically requested it.
  Screenwriter: Oh, that guy friggin' hates when naval vessels function as intended!
Cocaine Bear: Screenwriter Guy claims he was thinking about what would be the most terrifying combination of drug and mammal, to which Producer Guy responds the answer is “Viagra Dolphin”. Screenwriter Guy falls completely silent.
Screenwriter: (Beat) …oh yeah, that is a lot worse.
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3: When the Screenwriter discusses his plans to make the High Evolutionary one of the most hateable characters in the MCU, he ends up drawing a picture of a puppy only for him to constantly punch that picture. This causes the Producer to become visibly angry as he threatens to kill the Screenwriter just for punching the dog picture.
Producer: You'll never work in this town again! You'll never work in any town again! I'm somehow in charge of all the towns!
The Phantom Menace: Screenwriter explains that his new character, Jar Jar Binks, is going to be a huge hit with fans and does his best to sell it to the producer.
Screenwriter: He's also going to be banished from his society.
Producer: Oh, being an outcast is actually pretty badass! What did he do?
Screenwriter: He was too clumsy!
Producer: Oh, OK, nevermind...
Attack of the Clones:
- On the clone subplot:
  Screenwriter: [Obi-Wan's] gonna find this place where some aliens are building a big clone army.
  Producer: Why are they doing that?
  Screenwriter: Because like ten years ago, a Jedi named Sifo Dyas told them to and then died.
  Producer: Oh, tell me more about this Sifo Dyas!
  Screenwriter: No.
  Producer: Oh, OK!
- Screenwriter also takes the time to reveal why the Jedi couldn't detect the evil plot earlier.
  Producer: Hey, how come Yoda and the Jedi couldn't detect all this dark side stuff happening this whole time?
  Screenwriter: Well, the dark side of the Force was being clouded, so they couldn't see it.
  Producer: What was clouding it?
  Screenwriter: The dark side of the Force!
  Producer: Um...
Revenge of the Sith: Screenwriter reveals the origins of General Grievous's "unique" fighting style.
Screenwriter: He was trained in the Jedi arts by Count Dooku!
Producer: Oh, he was?
Screenwriter: Yeah, and apparently he was also trained in the helicopter arts by a helicopter!
Producer: Oh, very cool!
Howard the Duck:
- Screenwriter takes another opportunity to show off his... unusual tastes, when talking about the awkward human-on-duck romance scene.
  Screenwriter: But then they get interrupted by Phil and some actual scientists, so, y'know, they don't get to go "all the way".
  Producer: Oh, well, thank goodness for that. I still feel like I might have some bad dreams about it, though.
  Screenwriter: Yeah, I'm gonna have dreams about it too!
  Producer: Can't help but notice you left out the word "bad"...
  Screenwriter: Anyways, so this scientist...
- Even the Producer seems to realize this movie isn't a good idea.
  Producer: Oh, the movie's almost over?
  Screenwriter: Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
  Producer: Oh, that's too bad.
Transformers: Rise of the Beasts:
- The Producer realizes something dire about a situation posed in the film by the bad guys getting both halves of the Transwarp Key
  Producer: Oh no, they have two pieces... of the thingy!
  Screenwriter: That's right, sir.
  Producer: [Pulls out his phone to use the calculator app] So they have two halves... of the thingy, you put that together...
  [Beat]
  Screenwriter: What're you doing?
  Producer: Fractions.
  Screenwriter: Oh, my god.
  [Another prolonged silence, during which the Producer wipes his brow]
  Producer: ...Oh my god, they have 100% of the thingy.
  Screenwriter: That's right, sir, so th-
  Producer: Two out of two parts!
Fast Five: The Producer gets hung up on a Mook's death.
Screenwriter: So anyway, Dom has to fight some guys and he throws one of them off the train and he hits a bridge at a super-high speed!
Producer: Oh, heck yeah, kill that guy, Dominic Toretto, take his life!
Screenwriter: Yeah!
Producer: Darkness forever for that guy, his family's gonna have to mourn him.
Screenwriter: I guess, I guess they will, yeah.
Producer: Would you say that the guy that Dom kills is close with his family?
Screenwriter: You know actu-, I didn't give that much thought, maybe, maybe he was...
Producer: Does this guy have any kids?
Screenwriter: I don't, I don't know.
Producer: So in a situation like this who notifies the kids that Dominic Toretto threw their dad off a train?
Screenwriter: Uh...
Producer: Does the criminal organization help with funeral costs, or is that just on the family?
Screenwriter: Okay, you're really reading into this guy's death a lot, sir, it's just a very fun, quick, simple killing and then we move on.
Producer: Oh, okay.
Screenwriter: Yeah, you know there are gonna be a lot of these in the movie, we can't stop and do a deep dive on every person Dom kills, you know, it's just, it's fun, and they're dead, and we move on, and it was a great time.
Producer: That's fair.
The Marvels (2023): The Producer can't remember Dar-Benn.
Screenwriter: We've got this villain Dar-Benn, right? And she's angry because Captain Marvel's actions kind of killed her planet, Hala.
Producer: All right. As long as we're not doing one of those generic, forgettable villains. People are really sick of forgettable villains.
Screenwriter: Trust me sir, Dar-Benn's anything but forgettable.
Producer: Who's Dar-Benn?
Screenwriter: Shit! Okay, that's not a good sign.
Wish (2023):
- The Producer asks why Asha becomes a Fairy Godmother at the end after King Magnifico is defeated, since she is now in the same position as he was in — being the sole decider of which wishes come true — and he was presented as an irredeemable villain for it. He accepts her being the main character as an explanation.
- For that matter, the Producer asks if Magnifico's wife Queen Amaya abandoning him to a Fate Worse than Death (imprisoned in a mirror and fully aware of it) when they were perfectly happy a few days ago points to her being evil. The Screenwriter admits he doesn't know and they move on.
Morbius:
- The Producer and Screenwriter discuss how to toe the PG-13 line.
Screenwriter: So when Morbius turns into a vampire, he's gonna kill a bunch of mercenaries on this boat, just tear them to shreds! There's gonna be blood everywhere!
Producer: PG-13.
Screenwriter: There's gonna be blood sound effects everywhere!
Producer: Nice!
- The Screenwriter has strange ideas on bat anatomy.
Screenwriter: Yeah, so now instead of being all sick and thin he's jacked and muscular! You know - like a bat!
Producer: That's not really what bats are known for, but I'm glad you're excited..
Screenwriter: Dude's freakin' shredded now! He's got like a six pack, looks like a Calvin Klein underwear model! Y'know, like a bat!
Producer: Okay, cool.. What kinda bats you been looking at, though?
Super Mario Bros. (1993)
- The Producer is dissatisfied with the number of mushrooms in the Mario movie:
Screenwriter: And that's the only mushroom?
Screenwriter: Well, I mean, unless you wanna count the mushrooms I ate while coming up with this stuff..
Producer: Oh! Did you.. While you were writing, take some.. magic, mush..
Screenwriter: Oh! Oh no no no no; they were just - they were just Portabello mushrooms.
Producer: Oh! Okay, okay, okay..
Screenwriter: Yeah, no no no, you thought - you thought that I took-
Producer: Yeah no, I thought that maybe, I thought that..
Screenwriter: Yeah, no, no, I didn't.
Producer: Okay, yeah, no, okay, okay..
Screenwriter: Yeah, no, that would have completely messed with my acid trip.
Five Nights at Freddy's (2023):
- Since FNAF is a popular game on YouTube, Producer Guy is pretty sure he can get a YouTuber to cameo in the movie. Someone who talks a lot about movies and who's known for having a lot of catch phrases, implying that said YouTuber is Ryan George himself. It is, of course, MatPat, who did cameo in the movie on account of his many, many videos about FNAF.
Night Swim
- Right off the bat, the Screenwriter asks what the Producer would do if he found a haunted swimming pool, and the Producer says he wouldn't swim in it. The Screenwriter points out that if the characters followed that logic, the movie wouldn't happen, then repeats the question.
- At the end, the Screenwriter says that the survivors fill the pool with dirt since water can't get through dirt. Without missing a beat, the Producer says, "Mud." Cue bleeped-out expletive from the Screenwriter.
Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom
- The Producer is understandably grossed out by "this guy (who) keeps getting streams of pee in his mouth," and suggests that the Screenwriter is in the wrong movie.
- At the end, the Screenwriter proposes having Orm eat a cockroach in the mid-credits scene, not at all worried about it being the last scene in the DCEU. Cue a series of no less than a dozen article screenshots about the DCEU's downfall.
Madame Web (2024)
- The Screenwriter says Cassie has to travel to Peru for a dump.
  Producer: That's a long way to go for a bathroom break.
  Screenwriter: No, an exposition dump.
  Producer: Like...she does it on a canvas?
- The Producer wonders how, as a wanted fugitive, Cassie was able to drive a stolen taxi to the airport and get on a plane to Peru.
  Screenwriter: Airport security was a lot more lax in 2003.
  Producer: Well, y'know, that's famously untrue.
Divergent
- The Screenwriter describes the factions:
Screenwriter: You've got Erudite, who are smart; Candor, who are honest; Amity, who are peaceful; Abnegation, who are selfless and run everything..
Producer: And who's the fifth?
Screenwriter: Well, they're called Dauntless, and they run around and climb things and go "Woohoohoo!"
Producer: Ohh! That sounds like the fun, crazy one!
Screenwriter: Yeah it is! And they're also the police!
Producer: ..What?
- The Producer and Screenwriter execute a lightning-fast Who's on First? routine.
Screenwriter: And she's gonna meet one of the older guys doing the training, this guy Four..
Producer: For what?
Screenwriter: Training.
Producer: Training for..?
Screenwriter: No, Four is doing the training.
Producer: Who is?
Screenwriter: Four is.
Producer: Who's four?
Screenwriter: The trainer.
Producer: The trainer is four years old?
Screenwriter: No, Four is twenty-four.
Producer: No, twenty-four is twenty-four.
Screenwriter: Mathematically, yes, but the Trainer is Four.
Producer: And what's his name?
Screenwriter: Four..
Producer: I just wanna know.
Screenwriter: His name is Four! Four is his name!
Producer: Ohh, okay!
Screenwriter: That went pretty well!
- The Producer tests another zinger from his upcoming book, "101 Hilarious Jokes To Tell Yourself (And The FBI Agent Tapping Your Phone Lines)."
Screenwriter: Since he likes her, he's gonna bring her into his fear landscape to help her train!
Producer: Ohhh, bringing people into your fear landscape is tight! That's what I call my basement!
Screenwriter:: Cool okay, and we're also gonna find out that Four calls himself Four 'cause he has four fears.
Producer: So if he sees a ghost and gets spooked he's gonna have to change his name to Five?
Screenwriter: Yes!

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