RiffTrax — Shorts / Funny

Funny moments from the RiffTrax of short subjects.

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Shorts A-F

Aesop's Sound Fables: Frozen Frolics

"Yes. The can-can barked by dogs. That makes sense. In a window paney, Twin Peaks-y kinda way."
The realization that the two tramp like leads and the... "dogs" pulling their sled are apparently the same species leads Kevin to declare the short set in a "dark world of slave labour". Soon after, when the driver whips the team, Bill suggests he'll be hearing from PETA.
Kevin: Yeah, but since he's sorta an animal himself, we may be in murky territory.
Mike: In fact, Bill, PETA may denounce you for harassing him.
Kevin stealing Bill's "I am the Walrus" joke.
"Aesop's Fables: Very true to the source materials, so as to avoid angering the online Aesop fanboys."
After Kevin introduces a seal as... well, Seal, Bill breaks out into a rendition of "Kiss from a Rose" to the tune of the short's soundtrack that the gang at I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue wouldn't scoff at.
They turn the two leads into a father leading his son on a death march to the North Pole.
Mike: Dad's mourning looks a little too similar to pondering which limb to eat first.

Alcohol Trigger Films

The third short film ends and suddenly the credits roll.
Mike: ...Wha? So, so that's it?! Nothing to tie the three stories together?
Kevin: Not even hitman John Travolta getting killed and coming back to life again in act three?
Bill: Not even Tim Roth as a wacky bellboy?
Mike: I guess it's just booze that ties things together. That's true of life too, isn't it?
Bill: Yes.
Kevin: Remember to drink, kids.

American Thrift

Towards the end:
Narrator: The bigness of our fields...
Bill: The largeness of our hugeness.
Narrator: The bigness of our fast-moving, modern America.
Mike: And our president, Large Mc Big Huge.
Narrator: Our greatness, the abundance that stems from liberty.
Kevin: Liberty and bigness for all!

Aqua Frolics

The underwater dining scene, which Kevin cheerfully dubs "drownsgiving."
The moment when the short just stops with no warning.
Bill: Eh? Wha— Hey!

At Your Fingertips: Boxes

Bill: Forget playing stickball, Timmy, slap on another coat of FUCHSIA!!!
Kevin: Oh yes!

At Your Fingertips: Cylinders

"This is a planetarium." "IS IT?!" This was one of the riffs that brought the house down at the Manos live show.
"Bite my shiny cardboard ass!"
- "Why did you give me a fear of heights?!"

At Your Fingertips: Grass

"IS CORN GRASS?" and "IS BAMBOO CORN?" The question is never actually answered.
- At later live shows, you'll find humorous facts shown on the screen before the show. One of them confirms that corn is, in fact, grass.
The terrified reaction to the clay doll.
Mike: WHAT AM I?!?!
When an egg carton is brought out to make a grass headdress, Mike exclaims, with genuine frustration in his voice, "oh what fresh hell is this?!"
Kevin running around on stage in a grass headdress and bowing to the kids in the grass masks. Later, he tries to pawn the headdress off to the other riffers. It doesn't work.
The whole thing is so bizarre and hysterical that it is one of the best shorts they've ever riffed on.
The entire ending when the riffers give into the madness and start chanting and gibbering to the music
The Mystery Science Theater 3000 Reunion show re-riff had all the cast members on stage at once to mock it. It was glorious.

Basketball Is Fun

The penultimate riff pretty much sums up the fate of the little white boys playing the sport from many decades ago:
Narrator: The dark shirts won today, but win or lose, basketball is fun!
Bill: And when we integrate the sport, none of you will ever play a minute again. Heh heh heh.
Mike: Eh...needed more Lola Bunny.
Kevin: Yeah.

Batman and Robin (Serial)

Batman Takes Over

Right off the, ah, 'bat' they note that Batman drives a perfectly ordinary car in this version:
Mike: And away they speed in the Batmob...wait, what the hell?
Bill: Yeah, the Batmobile's getting the ball joints replaced, but hey; this loaner '49 Merc is a great ride! And it's black!... actually it's maroon, but-but you can't tell! Loaner away!
- Not only that, but they kept it parked in the driveway of their house.
The jokes about Alfred being poor at keeping Bruce’s secret.
Mike: Ah, Miss Vale. May I take your bat? Er, hat! Hat!
Bill: I'll just go and see if he's Batman. IN! I'll go see if Batman’s in!
Batman and Robin go to the Batcave to get their costumes in:
Mike: A filing cabinet?!
Kevin: Yup, under "T" for "tights".
This:
Batman: Where is it?
Mike: Sorry, I meant WHERE ARE THEY?!
On Vicki Vale: "You know, Superman should get a reporter girlfriend whose last name starts with the same letter as her first name."
When the Wizard, a cloaked, masked villain, is first identified.
Henchman: The Wizard!
Bill: They call him that because of his wizard ha— magic wa— his ski mask, because of his ski mask.
The Wizard's chilling, evil catch phrase: "Being sorry is stupid!"
There's a few running gags for the Batman serials, most of which originate with this one:
- A rarely-seen but often-mentioned henchman named Gabe, whom the riffers treat like their favorite character
- The consistent depiction of Gotham City as extremely rural and sparsely populated
- The Wizard not being remotely wizard-like
- Batman's incompetence and flabby physique
- Robin's age, as he appears to be maybe three years younger than Batman

Batman: Tunnel of Terror

During the credits.
Bill (as Batman): Jeez, don't you ever shut up? A Death in the Family can't come soon enough!
- Also during the credits they return to the issue of the duo's perfectly ordinary car:
  Kevin (as Robin): Okay, look, all I'm saying is if you'd taken it to the mechanic I recommended, we might not still be in this loaner Mercury.
  Bill (as Batman): Well, I didn't, Robin! You were right! Is that what you wanted to hear?
  Mike (as radio): Attention all units! Yet another cop has been shot...
  Bill (as Batman): TURN THAT OFF!
During the Cliffhanger Cop Out:
Kevin: HOW WILL THEY EVER ESCAPE?!... oh, they used the door.

Batman: Robin's Wild Ride

The outrage at the end of the short for the Non-Indicative Title:
Kevin: WHAT PART was "Robin's Wild Ride"?!
Bill: THE GENTLE TURN?!
After his thugs return with the explosive they stole from the train, the Wizard berates them for not getting the "special detonators," which he had not said a word about:
Bill: Also you could have mentioned that THERE WERE TWO F***ING BOXES!
Afterward, the Wizard sends his goons to steal the detonators from a research plant. Step one: get a delivery driver to stop and help fix their car's broken engine.
Mike: (as truck driver) Hey, wait a second — why's the engine wearing a little gangster hat? (Goon punches him in the back of the head) Oh, gangsters!!!
Step 2: Drive the truck to the plant, with everyone riding on the open-bed truck, and nobody disguised at all.
Mike: (as security guard, unlocking gate) All right, all right, whattaya got here? Let's see, Shipment of practical jokes, courtesy of the Joker, "guaranteed to make you laugh your heads off", then a bunch of insanely scribbled "ha-ha-ha-ha-has". Oh, and then a few more "ha's" on the back! (guard waves truck through) Okay, looks good to me!
Kevin as Robin:
Kevin: You know, I'm really starting to regret dropping out of vocational school to become your fake-o son; you make run around wearing embarrassing underpants and I get beat up a lot.
Mike (as Batman): That's it; I'm selling you to the Penguin.
The poor actor playing Batman is very clearly having to tilt his head around to try to see through his ill-fitting mask. The guys don't fail to point this out:
Bill: Now to, uh...I can't see a damn thing.

Batman: Batman Trapped!

We start on what is perhaps the best riffs about the serial's intro:
Mike: The World's Greatest Detective and the Boy Wonder continue work on their latest caper: "Who Turned Out the Lights On the Sound Stage? Come On, Guys, Seriously! We're Still in Here!"
- And then:
  Kevin: Batman and Robin sit in silence, both struggling to ignore the fact that a school bus full of children pointed and laughed and called them "pantywaists" at a stop light just moments ago.
The mooks knock out Robin without much fuss:
Mook: Put him in the back. Let's out of here!
Kevin: Before a really intimidating hero shows up, like Aqualad or Aunt May.
The mooks arrive at the cabin
Mook: Bring the boy inside.
Bill (as other Mook): You mean the guy roughly the same age as us, possibly older?
Batman struggles over several scenes to climb a cliff-side:
Kevin: (exasperated) His climb out of Bane's hell-pit didn't take this long!
- As Batman finally reaches the top:
  Bill (as Batman): (gasps) Yeah, who needs superpowers? (pants) Perfect physical specimen... (groans) Oh, god!
The Wizard attempts to interrogate Harrison via hypnosis:
The Wizard: Watch my eyes!
Bill (as the Wizard): If you don't, my hypnosis will be utterly ineffective! ...So kindly do as I say?

Batman: Robin Rescues Batman

Once again, at no point does Robin actually rescue Batman. The crew doesn't fail to notice this.
The Running Gag about how the narrator says "ruse" at the beginning (he pronounces it as rhyming with "goose" — you'd almost think he'd never seen that word before he was handed the script).^note
Upon seeing the title:
Mike: The prequel to "Batman Retires in Shame".
The mooks spots Robin lurking in the hallway:
Mook: Look!
Bill (as mook): A lightly repressed pervert!
The lameness of this version of the Batman costume is often commented upon, but this one takes the cake:
Batman: Watch him!
Bill (as Batman): 'Cause I can't. I can't see a damn thing with this *beep*ing mask on!
- Which is especially helped by Batman's actor often tilting his head noticeably back throughout the series, presumably because he has problems seeing out of the mask otherwise.
During one of the fight scenes Robin swings on a tree branch to drop-kick a bad guy. Bill supplies the ideal one-liner for him:
Bill: (as Robin) "Tweet-tweet, bitch!"

Batman: Target Robin

The Wizard's plan to trap Batman reminds Bill of the previous episode "Batman Trapped", and how in said episode Batman never got trapped.
Bill: Doesn't make much sense, but I'm the Wizard.
Commissioner Gordon tells Batman about a bad guy who talked in custody
Gordon: He's just named the next location where his Remote Control Gang will strike.
Bill: It's the Museum of Lame Gang Names.
The narration at the end:
Narrator: What sinister use does the Wizard plan to make of the remote control machine?
Kevin: Uh, stealing? He's been using it to steal.

Batman: The Fatal Blast

Bill is still not over how unlike a wizard the Wizard is.
(the Wizard enters his secret hideout)
Bill (as the Wizard): Now, time for some sinister, wizardly black magi— or more tinkering with this machine.
On that note, immediately after the above riff, Mike comes to a startling realization
Mike: Is the Wizard under house arrest, has he ever left this room?
A lone henchman rigs a trap for Batman. It's a really tiny box that we're supposed to believe houses a bomb (and the "fatal blast" mentioned in the title).
Mike (as Henchman): Once this spring-loaded jewelry box goes off, there's no way Batman will refuse my proposal!
Batman escapes from a gas-filled room by pulling an acetylene torch out of his pocket:
Bill: He carries an acetylene torch in his pants?!
Kevin: That is a man's man!
Mike: Where does he get his gas? I immediately regret asking.
Batman and another guy are trapped in a cabin:
Batman: You stay here. I'll go check on Robin.
(opens the door, gets shot at)
Bill (as Batman): You know, on second thought, *Bleep* Robin.

Batman: The Wizard Strikes Back

Mike: Batman and Robin: they can do anything Superman can do... When Superman wears his Kryptonite pants.
During a fight scene:
Mike (as mook): This is for Batman Forever!
- Later:
  Bill (as mook): And this is for Jim Carrey as The Riddler!

Beginning Responsibility: Broken Bookshop

As one of the books is recounting how she got ruined:
Book: It was awful... awful!
Bill: Why did you make me talk about this? THIS IS WHY I DRINK!
After one of the books tries to escape into the box that is being carried out:
Book: There's a book in the box that isn't fixed yet!
Kevin: GET HIM!!!!
As one of the books is talking about how nervous it was being handled by a little girl:
Book: But I was worried.
Kevin: (demonic voice) YOU SHOULD BE.
After one particularly androgynous child is identified as a "she":
Bill: (incredulous) She?

Beginning Responsibility: Taking Care of Your Own Things

Pillow: You see, Reggie? We are not happy.
Bill: And when we're not happy, people die, Reggie, people die!

Not long after:
Pillow: If you don't change your ways…
Kevin: We'll eat your heart!
"Aww, isn't that cute, they expect us to believe Reggie comprehends chess."
- "Reggie strongly believes that rooks are the best-tasting chess piece."
- "No problem, harder checkers!"
Bill: Horace was already bitter from being named "Horace".
"Crudgy!"
At the end of the short:
Bed: Remember Reggie; don't tell anyone about us.
(roughly ten seconds later)
Reggie's Dad: (sarcastic/amazed) I think the toys put themselves away and the bed made itself!
Mike: I said to keep your mouth shut, you cross-eyed little toad!
"Record's stuck..."
"Reggie's a cross between Ralph Wiggum and Milhouse."
When Reggie puts a ruined book away:
Book: You'd better put me away or I'll snitch on you, you stinker!
Bill: I haven't had a book threaten me since Dear Mr. Henshaw said it was going to kill my dog.
Horace: (angrily throwing the football down) I'm going home!
Kevin: Finding a dead cat in the Parcheesi box was the last straw!

Behavior of Domestic Pigs

One of the baby pigs is feeding. Kevin dubs Porky Pig's trademark stutter over it.
Their reaction to the horror that is parturition (i.e. giving birth).
The joy they express when the extremely Scottish narrator says "teats," which basically gives them permission to repeat the word childishly over and over again.
More than once, they insist the pigs simply be bacon already.

The Calendar - How To Use It

Bill: Mind if I dial up the gay?

The "music" by the Scott Baio Expy.
Bill: This guy could instantly win a "Make Everyone Hate You" competition.
Kevin: Lord, this is making me actually miss High School Musical.
Mike: You know, because of him, I now hate time itself.
The moment when Mike, Kevin and Bill's heads exploded at the sheer ingenuity of the calendar.
Narrator: Due to the untimely deaths of Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy, Rifftrax has been canceled. We apologize for the inconvenience, and we blame the calendar.

The Case of Tommy Tucker

Bill: CAN'T MY HUGE FEATHER HELP IN ANY WAY?????

The opening playlet, which has a bunch of children in animal masks:
Bill: Gah!!!
Mike: Wicker Man: The Musical!
Kevin: (to the tune of "Hooray for Hollywood") Not the bees! Not, not, not the bee-EEE-eees!"
Repeated speculations that the protagonist has actually been sent to Hell and doesn't realize it.
Kevin: "Tommy, you realize this is Hell, right?"

A Christmas Carol by Coronet

The various cracks about Scrooge’s unkempt appearance, beginning with him being referred to as “Zombie Andrew Jackson”.
After the second mention of Marley, Mike declares “Marley the Dog, from that terrible Marley & Me movie where I wished he’d died an hour and a half sooner”.
As Marley’s Ghost appears.
Kevin: No, it’s your Aunt Miriam. Please don’t bring me back to that home.
- And as Scrooge begins to stutter, Bill comments “Dear god, I forgot how you could never string together a coherent sentence.”
Christmas Past’s resemblance to Gandalf does not go unremarked upon.
As the Ghost of Christmas Present states that Scrooge has never seen a man like him.
Mike: A fat alcoholic prone to bragging? Buddy, I grew up in Wisconsin.
- He then notes that they also said words to the effect of “touch my cloak”.
According to Bill, Scrooge is unconcerned by Tiny Tim’s impending death, since “we all saw that coming”.
- And earlier, when Scrooge asks the Ghost of Christmas Present if Tiny Tim will live.
Ghost of Christmas Present: I see an empty chair in the chimney corner.
Mike: (as Scrooge) Oh, so he not only lives, he walks? Oh, it's a Christmas miracle!
Bill: (as the Ghost of Christmas Present) No. No. No, not what I meant, you idiot!
Mike: (as Scrooge) Fantastic news!
Bill: (as the Ghost of Christmas Present) Why do I bother?

Christmas Dream

Kevin: I'M COMING FOR YOU!!!
As the rag doll is blowing away some paper with an electric fan:
Kevin: Oh no, my manuscript about a sparkly boy vampire and the dull girl obsessed with him.

Christmas Rhapsody

Kevin combining "Angels We Have Heard on High" with "Poker Face" by Lady Gaga.
The running gag involving the tree constantly referring itself as being "small and of no account", to the point that Mike, Kevin, and Bill keep referencing it in the other Xmas shorts that they've riffed.
- "I can't deposit money at the bank. Why? No account."

Christmas Toyshop

The gang's reactions to the clumsy father.
Kevin: Oh, Dagwood!
Mike: Is dad a retired Stooge?
Bill: Dear God, did he have his spinal cord removed? What the hell's wrong with him?!
Santa falling down the chimney.
Kevin: (as Santa getting up) Oh god, so drunk...
When the kids meet Santa:
Little Girl: We heard you fall down.
Mike: "We heard you cursing!"
When the "Betop-hatted spider dog of my nightmares" starts firing back at the toy soldiers with a tiny gun".
Mike: It's just not Christmas unless there's been a good killing spree.
When it shows the two kids loudly playing on Christmas morning, the three spin it so it seems like they went insane from Santa's story.

A Circus Wakes Up

The gang can't decide if one spangly-dressed male performer is "the ugliest woman in the circus" or David Bowie — or both! (This joke is even funnier for those who have seen the video for "Ashes to Ashes".)
The guy in a zebra costume.

Clean and Neat with Harv and Marv

When the duo suddenly materialize on the screen:
Kevin: No... no.... HARV AND MARV?!
Bill: But we killed you! WE THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!
Then:
Kevin: (giggling stupidly as Marv) Aneurysms tickle!
The revelation that Harv and Marv aren't even human:
Marv: I wish I were a real human so I could do that.
Harv: A real human? You wouldn't like it!
Mike: You're much better of as a... Oh, God, Marv! What the hell are we?!
- Then:
  Kevin: Existential Crisis with Harv and Marv!

The Clean Club

In the beginning of the film:
Germ: There's nothing like living on a dirty kid.
Mike: Words that should be met with an immediate jail sentence.
Repeated reference to the many Spoof Aesops in the short, including "If you don't clean your room, it'll eventually take care of itself" and "Every time you wash, you massacre anthropomorphic talking germs."
Even if the guys didn't even mention this, this entire short is crazy when you realize it was made in 1990! (One kid did have a Stay Puff Marshmallow Man toy that at least dates it to sometime after 1984) Even more crazy is that voice acting giant COREY FREAKING BURTON was in this nightmare! It makes one think if he's ashamed of doing this or even remembering it.
This exchange:
Girl: Maybe that's why my hair itches so much.
Mike: No, that's early on-set schizophrenia. There are bugs in your brain and they want out.

Coffeehouse Rendezvous

"I harmonize badly!", featuring some Hollywood Tone-Deaf turns from the guys.
The obviously stoned students being interviewed at various points.
The clumsy baritone singing in the intro.
Mike: When dads try to sing.
The ending segment with the church coffeehouse, ending with a bunch of kids filing out of the place while the narrators go on and on about how popular coffeehouses are.
This bit:
(dark blond kid gets interviewed)
Kevin: Mike, is that you?
(round-faced goofy girl with glasses and braces gets interviewed)
Mike: Kevin, is that you?!
(a very familiar looking boy with glasses and receding hairline gets interviewed)
Bill: Yes, that's me. Just to save time.
Kevin: I wasn't even going to ask.
"If this is what coffee does to people, then I'm glad this generation discovered acid."

Cooking Terms

Narrator: Cream the butter? Better get the cream!
Bill: This narrator seems deeply invested in her failure.
Narrator: That's right. Pour it in! The recipe says cream the butter so put in lots of cream!
Kevin: That's right. Ruin the cake! Just like every woman I've ever known has RUINED MY LIFE!

Narrator: To cream butter merely means to work it with an instrument until it becomes soft and smooth.
Bill: Now is that clear or would you like to douse it in cream again, you empty-headed bint?!
During the jelly demonstration, the narrator mentions the "sheet from the spoon" test, which the guys hear as the "sheep from a spoon test".
Bill: (barely containing his laughter) You'll need an adult sheep!
Narrator: Almost all bread and roll recipes call for "kneading the dough."
Bill: And ever since I discovered the dog-track, I've been "needing the dough!" (beat) Seriously, I think these guys are gonna kill me.
After another of the Narrator's patronizing explanations
Narrator: To boil is to heat the water until bubbles form.
Kevin (as Narrator): Water is a transparent odorless tasteless substance...
- Just before that:
  Mike: Should someone who doesn't know what "boil" means even be allowed near an open flame?
The three conclude the short by adding that the cake the wife baked was later buried next to her husband's dog, who "ran away" last summer.

Cops - Who Needs Them?

When the cops question the teenager about his stolen bike.
Mike: (as a cop) We're going to play a game: it's called "Good cop, bad cop, ugly kid."
"Just don't sit on the DRUG-SNIFFING HAMSTER!" Wheeeeee!
Rifftrax's new favorite character, Frank!
- "What Frank?"

Cork Crashes And Curiosities

The increasingly ridiculous Irish Accents used by the trio.
As racing cars are unloaded from the docks after the narrator notes how only rich countries like Ireland can afford to host racing
Mike: (cheerfully in a fake Irish accent) Anyway we did that instead of fighting World War Two... Erin Go Bragh!
The Running Gag revolving around the mysterious "Irish Sweep" billboards that are repeatedly seen:
Mike: I'm getting a sudden urge for an Irish Sweep, I hope that's not anything dirty.
Kevin: IRISH SWEEP! MUST BUY UNKNOWN PRODUCT OF INDETERMINATE PURPOSE NAMED IRISH SWEEP!
Kevin: EH LOOK AT EM GO!
Bill: ALL RIGHT FOR RACING!
Mike: IRISH SWEEP IS MADE OUT OF PEOPLE!!

County Fair

Given that it's another short by the company behind the At Your Fingertips series, the whole short is one.
"A game is a thing that is a thing!"
Kevin suddenly singing Friday to the tune of the short's song, much to the other's unease.
Bill's ad-libbing the song at the end of the short
Bill: (singing) Welcome the chilly embrace of my Death! Slipping off into the voooooiiid...
Kevin: (highly disturbed) Wow.
Bill: (still singing) Slipping off into the voooooiiid...
Kevin: (concerned) Bill? BILL! COME BACK BILL!!!
Bill: (still singing) Slipping off into the voooooiiid...
Mike: (tearfully) Its too late... we've lost him for good this time!
Kevin: NO BILL! OH GOD BILL AAAARRARGGGHH BIIIILLLLLL!!!!!
Bill: (still singing) Slipping off into the voooooiiid...
This bit, with extra points for Bill's painful attempts to keep it in the meter of the song:
Narrator: A circle is a shape you know, and a circle is always round.
Bill: Except sometimes when a conic section is viewed in a two-dimensional orthographic projection... (Beat) EVERYBODY!!! (music changes key immediately after)
"The ferris wheel goes around and around, around and around like the merry-go-round. It falls to the ground with a hideous sound, and the bodies are tumbling down, down, down..."
The riffers debating whether the merry-go-round goes "around and around" or "straight as an arrow".
Kevin: (upon seeing the merry-go-round) Is that the thing that goes around and around?
Mike: Nope. Straight as an arrow. Name's throwing you off.
Singer: The merry-go-round goes around and around...
Kevin: But they're saying it in the song. Around and around—
Mike: Hey! Who are you gonna believe? Me or your lying eyes and lying ears?

Courtesy: A Good Egg-sample

The guys interpret the short as the work of Batman villain Egghead that got out of control:
Bill (as producer): I mean, we ordered up a thing for kids about courtesy, and this is just a bunch of crap about eggs!
When Benedict falls off the slide and cracks open, the guys cheer for his death.
Kevin: Fry him up so we can feast on his innards!
The egg infirmary is labelled "Egg-firmary".
Mike: Oh, come on, they're not even trying!
Bill: So you're saying they don't get an A for eggfort?
Kevin: Or an egg for eggfort?
Bill: Or an egg egg eggy egg egg egg...
Kevin: (joining in) Egg egg egg egg egg...?
The guys portray post-injury Benedict as brain-damaged:
Bill (as Benedict): Jeff Dunham is very funny!
"Stop having the same voice as me!"

Courtesy Counts A Lot!

Randomly saying "Courtesy" during situations that have nothing to do with courtesy at all.
"Cartoon Steve Urkel in a hot-air balloon."
Kevin's freakout over the birthday scene.
Bill: What IS that? Why does it have an omelet around its neck?
Kevin: (calmly) Guys, just a heads up, I'm gonna start screaming like I'm being murdered now, and probably for several days.
Mike: Yeah, I understand.
Bill: Oh, sure.
Kevin: OK. Here we go. (clears throat) AAAAGGHH OH MY GOD!! WHAT UNHOLY ABOMINATION WAS THAT?! OH MY LORD IT'S THE MOST HORRIBLE THING I'VE EVER— AAHH THERE IT IS AGAIN!!! AAAHH MY GOD WHAT IN HELL IS THAT THING?! OOOH THE DEMONS ARE COMING THEY'RE SUCKING MY SOUL OUT OF MY BODY!!! AAAH SWEET GOD MERCIFUL...!!!
Bill: K-Kevin? Kevin. Kevin... it's gone now. It stole all the joy from the souls of every man before it left, but it is gone.
Kevin: (weakly) Thank you...
The clown walking around scene:
Bill: Ah! Fresh Nightmare Fuel. I was starting to get low.
- Later:
Kevin: (singing along) Kill the clown, crush the clown, because...every clown deserves to die!

The Creeps Machine

As the camera closes in on a hole with chewing, serrated metal jaws:
Narrator: I can take you through some of its doors and windows, and we will see how the Creeps Machine works.
Mike: (creepy voice} Just don't stick your wiener in there...
Kevin: Wasn't going to.
Mike: Trust me.
Kevin: I do!
Mike: It may seem like a good idea...
Kevin: It really didn't.
Mike: ...But there could be drastic downsides!
Kevin: Eh, you don't have to elaborate.
The Running Gag about "old Bobo" (a jack-in-the-box clown) as a demonic Monster Clown.

Danger Keep Out

Repeated jokes about the way the foreman changes from clay to human and then back again:
Mike: I guess my prayers to that evil wizard worked!
Their disappointment when Christine and Mario don't step on nails or hurt themselves until about the final third of the short film.
Their utter justified hatred for Christine's extremely annoying younger brother.
While Christine and Mario lie injured in the construction site, we cut to the foreman:
Bill: Damn, these blueprints call for the blood offering of two innocents! Now where am I going to find those?
The end, where Bill has a horrible accident on the way out of the studio.
The guys singing over the end credits song about how getting hurt means you can guilt your parents into getting you presents and should definitely do so.

Dining Together

The very first riff, over the opening titles:
Bill: See our companion piece, "Standing Alone Eating a Lean Cuisine Over the Kitchen Sink."
In summary, there's barely a moment of this stupefyingly boring, Stepfordian film on dining and holiday etiquette that goes unmocked. Let's just be frank: it feels like it was made for and by aliens. Naturally, it was released just in time for Turkey Day 2021.
Narrator: Helping make ready a celebration [sic] is part of the fun!
Mike: Inhaling the petroleum distillate fumes from the silver polish is most of that.
When the narrator makes a questionable reference to the Pilgrims and "friendly Indians":
Mike: Oh, they were friendly, until they tasted Goody Brewster's yams with mini marshmallows. Then tomahawks were pulled.
Apparently there are well-established norms for celebrating Thanksgiving at the Nelson house.^note
Mike: (over a scene of guests arriving) Welcome! Let me just take all the pies and side dishes that you brou- oh, I'm sorry, you didn't bring anything at all. Why don't you come in and stuff yourself with my food?
Kevin's idea of proper napkin use is "rolling it into a rat tail, wetting it at the end and snapping your brother in the pee-pee."
This gem:
Mike: (as the kid) Did ya hear they discovered a third planet?
- No word on whether Bill and Kevin's quips were based on their own holiday experiences, though.
  Bill: Oh, it's no "pouring Scotch into a 7-Up can and sneaking into the den to watch the Lions-Bears game," but it's "fun," I guess...
  (later)
  Narrator: It is good to have learned to chew with lips closed^note, and know when to take a drink.
  Kevin: Yeah—about an hour before dinner, and a good stiff one!
After (according to the riffers) Mother cooks the turkey bone-dry, and Father hacks it up like a Civil War surgeon:
Mike: "How's that turkey, kids?"
Kevin and Bill: (coughing and choking noises)
Bill: "Great, Dad! Really delicious! (whispers) Timmy, help, I'm dyin' here!"
Kevin: "Oh, I gotta spit this out somewhere! Where the hell's the dog when you need him?"
The grainy, black-and white film makes the pudding look... less than appetizing.
Bill: Well, I think I burned all the hair off of it this year.
Kevin: Good for you, Mother!
Mike: Ah yes, Mother's famous Holiday Pile of Bear (BLEEP).

Don't Be A Bloody Idiot

This is an Australian short about safety when hunting/hiking/camping out in the Bush. The guys however, interpret "the bush" as something...dirtier, and their reactions to anything that could be even remotely suggestive are the funniest parts of the short.
Kevin: (after the short shows several newspaper clippings about people who've died out in the bush) I'm taking a vow of celibacy!
- Later:
  Bill: Ah, "When They Go Bush", the book penned by Lou Diamond Phillips when his wife left him for Melissa Etheridge.
- Then:
  Bill: Don't try to classen up your filth by attaching the word "saga" to it.^note
Also, when the host of the short starts naming several important items to take when camping, the guys are anxious for him to mention a particular essential cutting implement. When he finally gets to it...
Host: (picking up a small Swiss Army knife) ...a knife...
Mike: What...What?! That's a knife?! Make up your mind, Australia!
Bill: So inconsistent!
And Bill's allusion to a Noodle Incident, triggered by the scene of the two weekenders setting up camp:
Bill: Y-y'know, this reminds me, very VERY MUCH, of my honeymoon.
Mike: Bill...?
Bill: I loved it!
Kevin: And your wife?
Bill: She loved it too!
(A moment or two later, a shot of the wife frying hot dogs in a pan, while the husband sits around drinking beer)
Kevin: Still remind you of your honeymoon?
Bill: Even more so!
This bit:
Narrator: And be sure to bring plenty of tucker^note.
Kevin: We should bring the movie Tucker? Why?!
Bill: A man and his dream!
*
Mike: Man, these people are in tents^noteintense, geddit?!
(Kevin groans)
Bill: (softly) Go straight to hell, Mike.
"The funny couple were never seen again, but went feral and founded a race of funny, dumpy people. They started the war that destroyed Australia and led to the events in The Road Warrior."

Down and Out

At the title:
Mike: Down and Out: they're cops.
When there's an unfortunate close-up of the characters crotch, framed by a harness:
Mike: GAH!
Kevin: Speaking of "down and out"!
Mike: Maybe he's just a stashing a piece of sidewalk chalk!
Bill finally gets enough of the heavy-handedness of the short.
Bill: Wear a helmet and facemask AT ALL TIMES!!!
- Then, when the short advises wearing a belt:
  Mike: I don't wear a belt.
  Bill: (darkly) You're a dead man.
Finally, Bill lays out the consequence of not following safe procedure:
Bill: You'll be stuffed into a jumpsuit, given brown dress shoes and a bad haircut and be forced to stumble around like Roberto Benigni!
After the man in the film fails to land after a short jump:
Mike: Aaah! I forgot how my body works and what gravity is for and where I am in space!

Drawing For Beginners - The Rectangle

The constant jokes about the extremely basic subject matter. "Wait, I haven't seen how paper works!"
When drawing a little boy looking out a window to see it's raining oddly-shaped raindrops: "It's raining nooses! The universe is telling Willy to stop being a wuss and go for it!"
"We need a more rudimentary film!"
Mike turning the short into Serious Business:
Mike: And you can burn in Hell if you think this problem can't be solved with a rectangle. (Beat) In Hell.
"Pitch for the home team" is an euphemism for an act so filthy we can't even tell you what letter it begins with!"
"Now for a real challenge, we're going to draw a brick!"
The live riff has a special guest filling in for Mike.
Narrator: We all like to listen to the radio.
Peter Sagal: Ooh, say that again—slowly.
(shortly after that)
Narrator: ...And a [speaker] for the entertainment to come out.
Peter: Yes, that is what comes out. You know, pure listener-supported entertainment, from rectangles—
Bill: Peter Peter Peter Peter—we said, no pledge drives.

Drawing for Beginners: The Triangle

Over a drawing of a sailboat:
Narrator: We will draw a sailboat, by starting with a triangle in this position.
Kevin: We'd tell you that that's a right triangle, but then you'd be dangerously close to learning something.
Narrator: Let's draw in extra waves, for good measure.
Mike: They can double as stink lines, in case Michael Stipe is in the boat.
Narrator: In a picture like this, you might add clouds or seagulls.
Bill: (beat) Buuuut that's not happening here, apparently.
The short teaches us how to draw a musical horn.
Mike: Well, at least this is ink that's not being used to draw The Family Circus.
Narrator: A horn like this comes in handy on New Year's and Halloween, and at parties too!
Kevin: Ah, Halloween. So many horn-based memories!
- They don't let it go.
Bill: A Christmas tree! My favorite thing to blow a horn around, on Halloween.

Drugs Are Like That

"Opening music by Charles Manson."
Bill turning the opening song into a cereal commercial while a montage of drugs cascades down.
Mike: What are you going to teach two kids who keep an entire Lego box filled with drugs?
Bill: Maybe how to hide them better?
- During the mixed drugs-toys montage:
  Narrator: (singing) Drugs are like that too...
  Kevin: (singing along) Drugs are like your toys!
All the jokes about the extreme lack of attention either child seems to be paying to their conversation.
- "They oughta check their house for carbon monoxide!"
- "What's a crack? Is it a baby?" "A what?" "A baby!" "What baby?!"
  - "What in God's name is a baby?!"
- "Why don't you LISTEN, you bonehead!"
- "Your toenail— YOUR LEGO-THING, YOU IMBECILE!!"
- Thousands died that day, and around the globe, people asked the same questions: "WHAT? WHADDYA MEAN? WHAT'S THAT?"
Bill and Kevin trying to get out of watching the short, Mike forcing them to stay. It's reminiscent of the Hobgoblins episode of MST3K.
When it shows the stoned businessman playing "step-on-a-crack" like a lunatic.
Bill: Ah, so he's a step-on-a-crackhead.
This part:
Narrator: This is a baby.
Mike: The hell?! Is this an instruction manual for martians?!
Bill acting like a junkie freaking out during the part where the baby drops his pacifier.
''"Oh god, spiders! SPIDERS!! RRGGGHHHH!!!"
"Glenn Campbell! Ewan McGregor! Strom Thurmond!"
- "Gloria Steinem! Janet Reno! Strom Thurmond!"
"Drugs are also like Persian poetry, topsoil, The Ides of March, butterscotch pudding and paperclips."
Their attacks at the end on the narrator Anita Bryant, most famous for hawking orange juice and being severely homophobic (and getting pied in the face on national television for it).

Emotional Maturity: Act Your Age

The student's awkward acting.
Student: Why can't I act my age, eh?
Kevin: (Canadian accent) 'Cause yer Canadian, eh?
The many awkward scenes with the principal.
Principal Mustache: You already know what to do about the desk, Jimmy.
Bill: Hope it fits up there.
Principal Mustache: Your body's growing up now, Jim.
Bill: He's a little too happy about it!
Principal Mustache: I hear you have a very unusual pencil.
Mike: It curves quite a bit to the left!
- Then:
  Principal Mustache: May I see it?
  Bill: If you promise not to take any pictures.
When they start showing the examples of immature students.
Principal: There's the boy who tries to stand out for attention.
Mike: From his fellow Paul Lynde impersonators!
Principal: There's the girl who cries at trifles.
Kevin: "There was no sherry in it! None!"

Families: Earning and Spending

In a case of perfect timing, there's a Running Gag about tentacle hentai during the segments about a Japanese family. Kevin berates Bill for the joke... then cut to a display playing a commercial featuring an octopus in a microwave. Kevin officially gives up.

Families: Food and Eating

Running Gag about the Mexican family's haphazard eating schedule.
Candida: (narration) We usually eat at my grandparents' house. My mother eats later, when my father comes home from work.
Kevin: We're totally winging it schedule-wise until someone invents iCalendar.
Then:
Candida: (narration) Grandmother will eat her dinner later, after everyone else has eaten.
Mike: This is getting awfully haphazard.
Bill: Grandpa starts eating before everyone, then stops halfway through, and only resumes later that night when we've all gone to bed.
Bricked later, with the Japanese family:
Hiroyuki: (narration) My father works late, so he doesn't eat dinner with us.
Bill: He eats with the Mexican grandmother.

Family Teamwork

After the first kid learns he won't get the vacation he wanted.
Kid: All I could think about was all of the fun I was going to miss out on. And then something funny happened: I stopped thinking about me and I started to think about how disappointed the whole family must be.
Bill (as kid): Their depression really picked me up!
"I AM BECOME DEATH!"

Flying Stewardess

"The captain thanks you for keeping the plane snake-free."
"Hi, I'm Bob Executive. Which way is business?"
One joke made better by the live riff: the frequent jokes at the expense of Ft. Worth, Texas were followed by "Sorry, Ft. Worth" once they realized that people there were watching it live.
- On a related note, Kevin's comment that "These New Yorkers are here to vote for one of the Daleys, and then it's back to New York" brought the house down at the Chicago showing.

Frustrating Fours and Fascinating Fives

When the little boy the short follows enters his daycare by slamming the door behind him:
Narrator: Roddy has arrived.
Kevin: (As the Narrator) And this young piper is decidedly rowdy.
Roddy's dad makes his son laugh by pulling a harmless prank on his mom by switching the soft-boiled egg she was having for breakfast with an empty eggshell:
Narrator: Mother, of course, pretends complete surprise.
Bill: (as Roddy's mom) HOLY (BEEP)!

Shorts G-L

Get That Job

On the look of one recruiter.
Kevin: Being the black Colonel Sanders keeps him very busy.
Job Seeker: One of the hardest part of writing a resume was putting down my job objective.
Kevin: Ginger walrus!
Mike's reaction to the narrator explaining that, to learn how to write a resume, he simply went to the library and looked up a book on the subject:
Mike: "A lot of these shorts should just be titled "Go Get a Book."

Girls Are Better Than Ever

Narrator: Okay, we'll listen, but, we'll argue back. That makes a dialogue, and democracy."

Mary Jo: "In the USA, where you're free to jump over sticks no matter how ugly you are!"

Good Eating Habits

Narrator: Something the matter, Bill? You don't look so good!

Kevin: You've killed again, haven't you?

This bit of gold:
Narrator: After school, Bill was hungry. He was hungry, and he had some money.
Mike: So he ate his money.
The gastric hiccup, fart and burp sounds the three make when it shows Bill suffering from a stomachache while playing with a very slow train set.
Narrator: Poor Bill...
Mike: His colon exploded.
At the end of the short, the film breaks, cutting off the narrator mid-sentence, leading to this gem:
Narrator: And that... (The screen suddenly goes white)
Bill: AH, THE BOMB!

God’s Christmas Gift

The short’s producer being “Family Productions” gives Mary Jo a great starter gag.
Mary Jo: If they’re anything like my family, they’ll do nothing but talk.
After the Aesop turns out to be “the gift of love”, Bridget points out that “THE Gift of Love” is a 1958 movie starring Lauren Bacall and Robert Stack, with Mary Jo countering that it’s also a 1983 TV movie starring Angela Lansbury. Both wonder why either movie was chosen for the subject of this film.

Good Health Practices

The short's earnest narration, and frank discussion of how to manage one's bodily functions, give the guys an opportunity to really cut loose with the Toilet Humour. (Um, so to speak.)
Narrator: Here is another way in which you are like an auto. There is always some waste to get rid of when the engine uses fuel.
Kevin: It's called car poo!
Narrator: That's why cars have exhaust pipes!
Bill: And you have a chocolate speedway.
Narrator: ...Good toilet practices mean getting rid of waste at the right times, in the right ways.
Mike: Like blowing mud or coiling a cobra.
- Are we allowed to call this a Brick Joke?
  Narrator: In clean clothes, fresh as a daisy, Judy is ready for school.
  Kevin: When all of a sudden, the eight pounds of fruit she ate for breakfast kicks in.
"Blow mud, my children!"
This jab at a certain restaurant chain:
Narrator: When the foods are put together the right way, we call it a "balanced meal."
Mike: And when they're put together the wrong way, it's called "Denny's."
On the importance of staying active and spending time outdoors:
Narrator: Yes, the beach is a wonderful place to have fun, if you are careful to guard against sunburn! And if you don't get too tired.
Mike: And if—oh, you know what, just stay home.
After the narrator has compared tiredness to being like a toy car with the spring run down, while Jim lies on the beach:
Narrator: It looks like Jim's spring is wound up already!
Mike: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Goodbye, Weeds

Kevin's jaunty song accompanying the theme music:
Kevin: "Gonna say goodbye to weeds! Weedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-dee! When the weeds are gone/we'll have a nice clean lawn/and a nasty skin disease! And the bees all start to die! And the birds fall from the sky! Well, we sealed our fate/but our lawns look great/as we kiss the world goodbye!"

Highway Mania

After Kevin continuously makes a horrifically annoying siren sound, Bill stops him with a Awesome Moment line:
Kevin? Don't take this the wrong way, but I will murder you, and smile while I do it.

How To Keep A Job

This callback:
Mike: (as the boss) Let me show you something we call "the hide cellar."
Bill: (shuddering) The tail...
The lead character's attempts at excuse making:
Ed: It wasn't my fault! The company just up and started firing people.
Mike: And for some reason they started with you?

Join Hands Let's Go!

The utter, utter insanity of the short and how much it confuses the three allows for countless jokes throughout.
At the very start the flashing colours and nonsensical numbers culminating in a huge "666" has Kevin immediately shrieking about demons.
The increasingly sinister lyrics they suggest for the "join hands" song ending.
This moment:
Bill: Why are they dancing around a statue of Aragorn's mom?
Mike: (chanting) The blade that was broken will be reforged!
Their sincere disgust at the "ketchup bukakke" and their gratitude that it was not mayonnaise.
2 thirds of the way through the riffers finally give into the madness and attempt to join in with the dance, only to end up hurting themselves.

Just Awful

The main character, James, cuts his finger during recess and gets sent to see the school nurse. The short treats this subject matter with a bit more drama and gravitas than perhaps it deserves, so Mike comes up with a new story line to fit the tone.
Mike: "It was a long walk from his death-row cell, to what lay waiting for him—the longest walk in any man's life. But James had made peace with it. He knew what he'd done, who he'd hurt. Maybe now, at last, all those ghosts would stop their screaming."
Kevin: (chuckles) Thank you, Morgan Freeman.
As James and another kid are sitting outside the nurse's office with unwashed, still-open wounds:
Bill: "So, ya wanna mix blood?"

Kangaroos

The bullshit about wild lions at the start, which gets Mike all confused. Especially Kevin dubbing over the dog.
During the demonstration of kangaroo "boxing", it's obvious that someone is holding the kangaroo up off-camera. "Nobody's helping me!"
Kevin's desire to merchandize the kangaroo, including making bottle openers out of their scrotums, trying to recruit them for a basketball team which is immediately shot down and mentioning how delicious they are.

Kid's Guide to the Internet

Noting the infamous whitehouse.com instead of whitehouse.gov.
The kid hosts go to TV Land's website and watch a clip of Mister Ed. After that, they go to MTV's site, leading to this riff:
"Man, I remember back when MTV still showed videos, of Mister Ed."
One of the kids mentions a site that dad will love, and there's a gasp from the riffers. It turns out the kid was just talking about a sports site, leading to a "whew".

Let's Talk Turkey

On planning ahead when defrosting a turkey:
Bridget: (panicked) Mary Jo, our guests are coming—what are we gonna do?!
Mary Jo: Uh, shut off the lights and go to the basement.
The narrator explains "how to stuff and truss."
Bridget: Two pairs of Spanx, one Wonderbra, and duct tape.
When the short shows how to pull the legs of the turkey together for a better result.
Mary Jo: The secret is modesty!
For the inevitable leftovers, the short gives a recipe for turkey "pinwheel" sandwiches.
Narrator: Roll as for a jelly roll—gently. [sic]
Mary Jo: Save the brass knuckles for if it doesn't cooperate.

The Litter Monster

When a boy sees how polluted a lake is after he reels in an old shoe while fishing, he decides to take it to school to explain the problem
Bill, as the boy as he holds up the shoe: The invention of shoes was a good idea. Hitler also had some good ideas.
After a girl sees how bad a littered field is:
Narrator: Bonnie told her club about what they had found, and the club decided to do something about it.
Mike: They started a hashtag on Twitter, then just sat alone on their couches eating double-fudge ice cream right out of the container and feeling pleased with themselves.

Little Lost Scent

Kevin's "screaming goose" bit.
The riffers' reimagining of little Gregory as an Ax-Crazy Boisterous Bruiser.
After Gregory successfully sprays a dog.
Mike: Blinded and retching, that dog will probably die.

Live and Learn

It's yet another safety film from an era when lead paint was considered part of a balanced breakfast, so you know from the start that it'll be prime riffing material.
From the fire-safety scene:
Narrator: It sure makes you mad when you try and try, and still can't get a blaze started.
Bill: And when the cops ask you what you're doing setting fire to your own failing restaurant.
Narrator: Ah, it seems that David here has a good idea.
Mike: Hang on, I'm gonna get Nicolas Cage and strap him to our fire.
When the doctor is putting an all-over cast on the burned child's head:
Mike: He turned into El Santo!
A kid breaks his leg when his friend convinces him to jump off of a roof.
Kevin: Oh, it hurts so much! Needallyourlunchmoneyfortheyear. Ohh! Needtodateyourhotsister. Ow!
(later, as a doctor is setting his leg)
Mike: We need something to help this plaster dry... Nurse! Grab that can of gasoline.
The running gag of the narrator saying that some dangerous activity "can be fun, but..." and the riffers ignoring everything after the word "but."
When a car turns onto the street where the children are playing baseball:
Mike: Guy in the car's saying "I got it, I got it!"
Immediately after a transition to a boy loading a bolt-action rifle:
Mike: Oh, this is gonna end well.
(the boy shoots a glass bottle, and one of the shards hits his friend in the eye)
Mike: Somewhere, Ralphie's mom laughs maniacally.
Kevin: And the NRA puts out a press release blaming glass.
From the "being careless with scissors" scene:
Narrator: Now take the case of this young lady, cutting out paper dolls in the safety of her own home.
Kevin: Suddenly, a paper cut BLINDS HER!
Narrator: ...It's always dangerous to run with scissors, or any other sharp, pointed object in the hand.
Bill: You should throw your scissors, then walk to them safely.
Narrator: If you fell, you could cut yourself, or poke out an eye.
Mike: Must have been eyeballs dangling out of their sockets everywhere back then!
(scene transition to a group of boys walking along a cliff)
Kevin: Sure, walking seems harmless, but one tiny crack in the sidewalk can put out an eye!
Bill: For God's sake, don't ever run! Are you mad?! Your eyes!
The riffers crack up at one boy really overselling his "fall," followed by a clumsy edit to an obvious dummy tumbling down the cliff.
Narrator: One of his friends goes for help.
Mike: The others shower Nick with fist-sized rocks.
Narrator: ...and comes back with the best friend a kid could have when trouble occurs.
Kevin: A lawyer!

Lunchroom Manners

Narrator: But Mr. Bungle didn't stop to wash his hands or comb his hair. He went right to lunch.
Bill: Still, he was the cleanest person in the Taco Bell.
Narrator: Then instead of waiting in line at the lunchroom, Mr. Bungle pushed everyone aside and went right to the front.
Mike: As the biggest, it was his right!

Later on:
Narrator: Phil washed his hands well, with lots of soap.
(Phil squirts far more soap than he needs onto his hand)
Kevin: He decided to take some soap home for his entire ten-person family!
Mr. Bungle's name being used as a Madness Mantra.
- At the end, after spending the entire short treating Mr. Bungle like the Bogeyman:
Bill: Mr. Who?
Kevin going full Godwin on the short:
Mike: You know who else picked up their tray?
Kevin: HITLER!
Mike: No! Mr. Bungle!
Kevin: Oh, same thing, really!

Shorts M-R

Magical Disappearing Money

First off, the Witch is the new Mr. B Natural of the 21st Century. Everything she does and says is so over-the-top quirky, the comedy comes from her trying to be kooky but coming off as an idiotic, creepy ditz.
The jokes about the sale on breaded zucchini.
Any joke about the witch's dark plans, culminating in "Join me in the dark abyss of savings!"
Kevin: (deep demonic voice) OBEY ME!!!
When the cat from the witch's purse disappears: "I can haz freedom?"
- In the live recording, when the audience claps and cheers at this joke: "Oh, you nerds!"
"Vote for Christine O'Donnell."
- "I'm you."
"Ahh, beard completer. Worth a shot."
"She's right, I don't deserve oatmeal!"
When the witch replaces the old man's instant oatmeal with a cheaper brand, much to his visible delight.
Mike: "Finally, a friend!"
When the witch makes a milkman disappear:
Mike: Please. Whatever you're thinking, don—OH! OH GOD! HELL IS HOT!
"She's pathetic, but she's not nearly as creepy as the witch in the adult video store."

Monkey See, Monkey Do: Verbs

"Monkeys like to play." "Mostly Last Train to Clarksville." SLAP "OW!"
This exchange:
Narrator: Wade.
Mike: Wade Garrett, Sam Elliott's character from Road House.
Bill: Forced that one in there, didn't you Mike?
Mike: Bill, don't make me rip your throat out.

More Dangerous Than Dynamite

The entire short is about the once common practice of washing clothes... in gasoline.^note
(As a housewife pours a pan of gasoline in her kitchen) "Wait they were serious about the whole washing clothes in gasoline?"
(As a safety inspector, inspecting a gasoline based dry cleaning business) "Sure you can wash clothing in gasoline here. You're wasting my time even asking!"
(As a worker escaped from a gasoline fire) "Why can't we just use soap and water!?"
An announcer discusses all the safety features commercial dry cleaners have, then cut to a woman washing clothes in her home.
Announcer: Asbestos blankets, placed outside each building, provide protection for the workers.
Mike: We'll kill them one way or another!
Announcer: All doors close automatically.
Bill: The trapped men plead for mercy, but the doors remain shut.
Announcer: Live steam—deadliest foe of fire!
Mike: Eh, there's a certain bear wearing pants and a ranger hat who would strongly disagree.
Announcer: But what chance does the housewife have without these safety features?
Mike: Well, she could not wash her clothes in gasoline. That would be a start.
Kevin has some nice stuff, apparently, in the live version.
Kevin: *BOOM* My car! *BOOM* My mountain! *BOOM* My bridge! *BOOM* My subdivision! *BOOM* Britney Spears' birthplace! No!
Bill: No!
Mike: Would you stop that?
- In the internet version:
  Kevin: *BOOM* Take that mountain! *BOOM* Ha, cross this, y'ah stupid bridge! *BOOM* Ha...dirt field? *BOOM* My home! I regret my enthusiasm for the earlier explosions!
The Spinning Newspaper showing the top headline, "Woman Dies of Gasoline Burns".
Bill: "Hundreds Killed in Chinese Quakes" gets lower billing?
During the demonstration of how a dry cleaning company is prepared in case of a gasoline explosion, a joke is made pertaining on of the worker's resemblance to a certain celebrity.
Mike: They killed Vincent Price!
- In the live show, this leads to a couple jokes about a "post-explosion" Price when the Rifftrax Crew is promoting their live riffing of House on Haunted Hill (1959).
The short itself has the Narm moment involving the ablaze housewife with the flames being very obvious animation.
Kevin: (as the housewife) Oh no! Something somehow went wrong with my huge pan of gasoline!

Mr. B Natural

As bandmembers form the name "Conn":
Bill: Ah, I see. COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
When Mr. B begins to talk:
Bill: Mr. B, have your testicles dropped?
As Mr. B starts stretching "his" legs in a sexy way:
Mike: Man, Mr. B's one hippy son-of-a-gun, ain't he?
Kevin: (disgusted) Ugh, Mr. B, sir, please!
Mr. B: I met him [Buzz] while he was in junior high, 12-and-a-half years old.
Bill: Mr. B, why are you saying that with such relish?!
As Mr. B capers off:
Mike: (high pitched voice) I'm a creepy sorcerer!
After Mr. B implies how music will make you popular:
Fred: How do you like the new clarinet, Jim?
Mike: (Sarcasm Mode) Wow, that's a real panty-dropper, huh.
Fred: Not me, Jeannie...
Mike: (falsetto) Chicks really dig his Pee Wee Herman impression.
Mr. B: Looks like Buzz might be needing me. Well, that's what I'm here for!
Mike: That, and to issue confusing boners.
Mr. B: Better wait 'til he calls on me, though, 'til he reaches for the spirit. (points at "himself")
Kevin: Well, he's a 12-and-a-half year old boy. He probably reaches for the spirit three times a day.
When Mr. B first appears to Buzz:
Mr. B: Mr. B Natural, at your service!
Kevin: AKA Peter Pansexual!
Mr. B: Presto! Allegro!
Bill: Cerebro!
Mr. B: Vivace!
Mike: Magneto!
When Mr. B starts dancing like a happy king.
Kevin: Yep! That's the dance of a tyrannical king if I ever saw one!
Bill: I've kicked my usurpers to Hell, and taken their lands! My reign of terror is secure, which gives meeeeeeeeeeeeeee confidence!
In the same scene as above:
Bill: This is a tune that says "I find it hilarious I farted...and I'm doing it again!"
- And later...
  Bill: This tune says "I find it hilarious I farted after eating Taco Bell...No wait, I have to go to the hospital!"
The Rifftrax version includes a scene not included in the MST3K version which involves Mr. B exiting Buzz's room by leaping head first out of the open window in his room. Along with the silliness of said moment, the Rifftax crew add their own wit to the scene.
Mike (as Mr. B): I've taken angel dust, see? SEE!?!
Kevin (as Buzz): (looking out his window) Oh my god, she's pizza! (makes puking sound)
Making Mr. B. creepier.
Music teacher: What's your lip size?
Mr B: Medium!
Kevin (as Mr. B): Perfect for kissing!
Mike (as Buzz): (creeped out) Uh, thanks, mister...
The crew stating that rock and roll destroyed Buzz's chance to be cool, rendering him a bitter old man who was a top poster on his local paper's website, complaining about gays and Jews.

My Mother Was Never A Teenager

The short is introduced as a Mother’s Day gift from Mary Jo to Bridget… despite the two not actually being related.
The eponymous mother’s boyfriend as a teenager is Robert Oppenheimer.
Mary Jo and Bridget do lampshade the plot's resemblance to a popular Eighties film:
Bridget: I'll go Back to the Future, but I am not touching his McFly.
The pair’s takeaway from this short?
Mary Jo: Well I know my mother was never a teenager.
Bridget: My mother never let me be out of the house after 9. Mike lets me stay out until 10.

The Myths of Shoplifting

As the narrator states that most people steal only stuff they already have, Mike states “Agreed. The Hamburglar is a secret millionaire.”

The Night Before Christmas

A running gag involving Santa leaving a toy shovel in the stockings of one of the kids.

Nutrition: The All-American Meal

"Barr!"

Norman Krasner

Norman, ensemble darkhorse from the liveshows and Rifftrax's new byword for depressed / disgusting / pathetic / perverted individuals, returns in this short to spend 6 minutes taking a shit in a public restroom, failing in every conceivable way, and accidentally groping other men within. Needless to say the jokes literally write themselves and the riffers have a lot of fun with it.
- The riffers suspect that Norman is using the art history book as "good fappin' material".
  Kevin (as Mona Lisa): (with an Italian accent) Norman, you sick, sick man!

On Guard - Bunco!

The film quality is... sub-optimal.
Mike: (over the green-stained opening narrator) Howard Dean as the Great and Powerful Oz!
Kevin: Monsieur Bunco, I will endure no more of your insults! En garde, Bunco!
As the con-artists in the first sketch are unpacking, after first arriving in town:
Mike: Great job packing. You know you can't wear that phone book to your sister's wedding, right?
The con-artists identify potential targets:
Bill: "Ophelia Dinsmore"? That's a flat-out Monty Python name!
Mike: (gravelly) "Dinsmore?"
While one of the bunco-ers is making phone calls, the other makes a big production out of taking off his jacket.
Kevin: He's rolling up his sleeves to beat the crap out of that woman's savings account.
Bill: "While you're on the phone, I'll be completely obliterating our shared bathroom."
Bill's interpretation of Mrs. Hastings is a little more... spirited than she comes across in the film.
Bill: Now, do I call the hit first, or the cleaner? I always forget th— oh, the hit, of course.
(later)
Grifter: Would you mind telling me what your password number is?
Bill: "Yes—it's 8-2-5-eat my ass, you thieving son of a (BLEEP)!"
- The riffers are unable, however, to get past Mrs. Hastings' tiny adorable electric car.
  Kevin: She found a golf cart to be too flashy and dangerous!
The many jokes about the confused housewife in the second sketch.
"Encyclopedia salesman": Could you use a little extra spending money?
Housewife: Well, I suppose anybody could.
Mike: "And by 'anybody could,' I mean anybody could~~..."
"Encyclopedia salesman": It also would authorize us to photograph you and your family in your beautiful home, enjoying your new encyclopedias—for our advertising in national magazines.
Bill: "So, just to give us options, I'll take nude photos of you now, and we'll add the clothes in later."
(Smash Cut to the husband, figuring out that they've been had)
Husband: I don't care what he said—we can't hold him for oral promises.
Mike: "Honey, I may have made some 'oral promises' as well?"
In the fourth sketch, the contrast between the two grifters serves to allay the mark's suspicion, but it provides fodder for jokes as well:
Young black grifter: Excuse me, do you ladies know how long since the last bus passed?
Mike: (mimicking old white grifter) "Oh—they'll take any opportunity to bring up buses since you-know-who..."
Young black grifter: ("finds" bag of fake gambling winnings) Look-a here!
Kevin: "Who left this encyclopedia set here?"
- When the old white grifter "figures out" where the money came from:
  Bill: Most grandmas are well-versed in the numbers racket.
  Old white grifter: And I'm sure the three of us could put it to better use than the police—or that crooked old gambler!
  Bill: Cut to the gambler, deciding which of their toes to cut off first.
  Mike: "Madam, your resemblance to homeless Phylicia Rashad has earned my eternal trust!"
- As the three women head to the mark's bank:
  Bill: The cast of To Wong Foo aged terribly!
- "By the time the victim discovers his loss, the bunco expert has usually fled to enjoy the proceeds of his crime."
  Bill: (chuckles) Please show these two enjoying the proceeds of their crime!
When the film "rewinds" to show how the marks should have dealt with each scam attempt:
Bill: (as Mrs. Hastings) "Clemenza, the call came in. We're going to the mattresses."

One Got Fat

The Planet of the Apes jokes:
Mike: (Heston-like) A bicycle safety film where apes evolve from men?! There's got to be an answer.
Bill: (Evans-like) Don’t look for it, Mike. You might not like what you find.
Bill: We're headed over to Cornelius and Zira's for the game.
Kevin: To the Forbidden Zone!
Kevin: (after the narrator brings up two separate characters wondering why traffic laws work against their desires) "Because it is/is not Ape Law!"
The shrieks of utter horror once the masks are revealed. Bill (who admits to being scared of chimps) never really recovers from it (and it makes his jokes even funnier).
- "THEY'RE GOING TO FIND ME!!!"
Kevin's consistent "monkey flinging poo" jokes, with Mike reprimanding him a few times.
Kevin: Whole lotta poo throwing right there.
Mike: Kevin!
Kevin: It's what they do, Mike! YOU'RE LIVING IN DENIAL!
- Finally, Mike says, "What the heck", and gives permission, leading to:
  Kevin: It's a POO-FLING-A-PALOOZA! poo! poo! poo! poo!
Their reaction to the narrator saying "handle his sack".
Kevin: Orville sued him for sexual harassment and won big on the settlement.
"This charming little thing was actually christened "Tinkerbell McDillinfiddy." "By my ass, just now."
"In case any of you kids thought being happy was a good thing: Choke. On. THIS."
- "She had a tragic, yet GOOFY death!"
- "On the bright side, her monkey colleagues found her DELICIOUS."
As the narrator goes on about one of the monkeys not being able to see while riding on the sidewalk: "Maybe she can't see because of her damn monkey mask!"
As far as Bill is concerned, narrator Edward Everett Horton is only to be known as Fractured Fairytale Guy.
Bill: I used to think you were so cool. Man, I bet you never even met Bullwinkle.
A close-up of the last monkey prominently shows a tongue painted on the mask.
Bill: Dear God, is that a tongue?
Mike: It's just a mask.
Bill: I mean on my leg right now! Kevin?!
Kevin: Oh, sorry. I was bored.
The short ends with a recap of the various safety techniques, but it also notes that young Orville has all of his (now dead or heavily injured) friends' lunches and thus got fat.
Bill: Remember: safe bicycling leads to morbid obesity.

Overcoming Fear

This bit:
Headline: Student Defends Bicycle Ordinance
Kevin: ...on slowest news day in history.
Also this bit:
Barker: I've, uh, noticed you out there...
Mike: Things you don't want to hear in the locker room.
(after seeing a dog jump over a high fence) "DOGS CAN DO THAT?! Now I'm afraid of dogs!"
When papers spill out of the man's locker:
Mike: His Sea Hunt slashfic goes flying all over...

Paper & I

Our first introduction to the paper bag:
Paper Bag: Gosh, Willy! You mean, where was I born?
Willy: Well, I guess so!
Mike: But before that, let me just say AAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!
The entirety of the short shown at the House on Haunted Hill (1959) live riff. The guys turn a harmless short about paper production into a story of a young boy's descent into madness at the hand of his paper bag.
"We'll blot out the moon, Willy! We'll be GODS!"
What was funnier about it was how little they had to work to change it. "Did you ever think about what the world would be like without paper?"
"Daah, you have arms now! You're learning and adapting!"
"Then a trip through the gonad-jabber!"
"Now I'm going to show you your sins, Willy!"
The demonic paper bag tells Willy to give a class report just like he told him: "Jewish bankers and the Queen of England are in cahoots to bring down the world's currency markets!"
Willy's parents noticing their son reusing paper products.
Mother: The way he hangs onto that paper sack...
Kevin: (suggestively) Giving you any ideas, honey?
(after all the magazines and newspapers disappear) "Oh no, somebody invented the internet!"
- (the clothes disappear off a mannequin) "Hey, a world without paper ain't all bad!"
- After all the paper in the world disappears.
Willy: We sure showed them!
Bill: "They paid for their arrogance in blood!"

Patriotism

The guys get a lot of mileage from the fact Bob Crane is involved with the short. ^noteBob Crane was scandalized when it was revealed that he and a partner taped their sexual encounters with women who were unaware they were being filmed - and shared the tapes with others. It was also the probable motive for his being murdered by unknown persons.
Bill: Man, Bob Crane had a funny sense of what contributed to "a little act of patriotism".
- Later, when Crane's narration is silent:
  Kevin: (nervously) Mr. Crane, you're awfully quiet right now. You're... not taping anything are you?
  Mike (as Bob Crane): (creepily) Just keep on doing what you're doing.
- "Yes, I'm Bob Crane, telling you how to be a good person."
From the short itself: "If we learn to care for others, to respect others we'll learn how to care for to respect our country."^note
The short's definition of patriotism becomes vague and odd:
Bob Crane: Patriotism is being proud of being who you are and whatever you do.
Kevin: So... if I like to make sculptures out of my own feces, I'm a patriot?
Bill: Mm-hmm.
Kevin: Cool!
- Then, when they're painting a trash can with cream-colored paint:
  Mike: Making ugly things even uglier is what patriotism is all about!
This reference, when Crane goes on about how everyone loves Arbor Day.
Mike: Unless Arbor Day and Life Day happen to coincide, well, you know, Chewbacca is out.
(As kids in a classroom distribute scissors) "Alright, we bum rush the teacher on my signal..."
When the kids are washing their hands in the same sink:
Bob Crane: Good people make good countries.
Kevin: Bad people make Pakistan.

Pearl of the Orient

"These people are Moros." "Hey! We're not the sharpest knives in the drawer, but there's no call for that!"
The reaction to the cock fight and Bill's Puns thereafter.
The really, really bad segue at the end from polishing a pearl to shots of war-torn Manila.
The narrator casually referring to headhunting as a "gentle sport."
The inexplicable scene of a woman shoving another person out of the frame at a marketplace.
Mike: "Get out of my shot, man!"

Puppets

The whole thing. It's a film about puppets made by the same people who did the "At Your Fingertips" shorts; the guys have a field day.
Mike: "Honey, does it worry you that Billy spends all day listening to Bach concertos and crafting unspeakable automata?"

Reading: Who Needs It?

Coach: You can't read, right?
Desmond: What are you talking about?
Coach: You haven't been leveling with me. You can't read, right? Well, right?
Desmond: Yeah, right.
Bill: Wait, read or write? Pick one.
As the coach and the English teacher discuss how the basketball player, Desmond, can't read:
Coach: How did he get through school then?
Kevin: That would mean we absolutely su...Oh.
- During that same conversation:
  Teacher: Desmond is just like a hundred other students who are only getting C's and D's.
  Bill: A hundred? Is their school district severely inbred?
- Bricked later with:
  Casting Director: I bet this school has a reading class you can take.
  Kevin: This school? I wouldn't be so sure.

Remember Me

After seeing the narrator silently put up with borderline abusive behavior from every service provider he meets, Bill sums up the message of the short:
Customer: "I'll remember you if you just..."
Bill: "Do your (bleep)ing job."
Customer: "...remember me."
Bill: "And do your (bleep)ing job."
Then, during the credits, Bill offers this advice:
Bill: "The members of all service industries worldwide would like to remind you that tipping almost always works. Make it twenty percent or more and we'll lick the soles of your shoes clean. Good night."

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1948)

The following line resulted in such a huge laugh at the live riffing of the short that the Rifftrax crew ended up missing a few lines due to the audience still laughing:
Santa Claus: (to Rudolph, at Rudolph's bedside) Rudolph, I need you tonight.
Kevin: WHOA!
This line:
Bill: Bambi would later come to regret the "Yo mama" jokes.

Shorts S-Z

Safety - Harm Hides at Home

The Running Gag about the main character's occupation of "freelance architect".
"It seems the Lollipop Guild is a member of the Federation..."
The entire "aliens recruit Karen" scene is golden.
- "Me... I want... a hula... hoop..."
- "Is Funeral For a Friend ever going to start?"
- Their reactions to the color filters, which change from brown to green... which makes them want it to go back to brown.
"Hey, I think I'll eat this RAGING OUT OF CONTROL FIRE MOM LEFT ME!"
One of the kids Guardiana rescues is named Kevin. Bill and Mike have fun with this.
Kevin: I don't recall being a black child!
"But now you're dead and I'm here to take you to Safety Hell."
A kid finding his dad's gun: "Perfect! I have a drive-by after school!"
"Oxygen: scourge of mankind!"
"This key could kill you."
When the camera cuts to a kid in the shower during one of Guardiana's explanations:
"Gah! Safety Woman, I'm in here!"
The film shows examples of the kinds of appliances that can hurt a person. The guys gleefully overreact.
Kevin: A HAND MIXER! SATAN'S FAVORITE APPLIANCE! (everyone screams)
Bill: A drill! Remember the movie π?! (everyone screams)
Bill: Hitler's desk fan! (everyone screams)

Santa And The Fairy Snow Queen

'Snoopy' and her irritating hyperness are milked for all it's worth.
Snoopy: I'll tell you a little secret...
Kevin: [cheerily] Soylent Green is people!
"And the kids who EAT their toys!"
"Oh yeah, the creepy factory reject doll who'll kill everyone."
The series of jokes at the expense of the Snow Queen, played by an actress with a pretty noticeable accent: "Yeah, wotikitiktikitiktikita, Santa!"
"And I'll miss you least of all, you irritating freak!"

Santa's Village of Madness

Since all three shorts were by the same producer who localized the infamous MSTed Santa Claus (1959) film, it was a given that they would be full to the brim with riffable hilarity, as well as callbacks to that particular episode.
When Bill promotes his new website, lightbulbs4lesss, Kevin goes into a little Squee moment, imitating Wallace's happy arm dance.
Mike, Kevin and Bill giving into the madness when the Wolf, Skunk and Puss In Boots all start arguing incoherently.
The reference to said episode and the MST3K running gag as the camera pans across the same shots of children building Santa's toys.
Kevin: Years have passed, and a hardened Lupita has crushed all attempts by the children to unionize.
Kevin: (quietly) Lupita, nooooo.
Gary The Gloryhole, aka the "Magic Teletalker" from the episode. (The crew is far more explicit than the riff used in the previous episode ("The pleasure mouth!").)
Narrator: The computer that registers the good and bad deeds of all children on earth.
Mike: But mostly Santa's bad deeds with the Magic Teletalker.
Kevin: (audibly cringes) Noooo...
Mike: (darkly) That's right.
The horrifying return of the Ice Cream Bunny^note.
Mike: (as the Ice Cream bunny is revealed to be piloting Santa's train) WHOA WHAT!? WHAT THE HELL!? HE HAS AN ICE CREAM BUNNY TOO?!
Kevin: Did I somehow miss a hugely beloved piece of American folklore?
Mike: (as the other two chuckle quietly) Ice cream bunnies, everywhere.
This is immediately followed by Bill reprising his simultaneously hilarious and terrifying impression of the ice cream bunny from his previous movie.
Bill: (in raspy, Krankor-esque voice) AAAALL ABOARD!!! HURRR HURR HURRR HURRR.
- The riffers then repeatedly make dark references to the Ice Cream bunny's many unspeakable crimes and murders, directly comparing him to Candyman as he seems to appear whenever they mention him.
  Bill: Also, he committed a few murders in the ghetto.
In the final short, the riffers speculate as to why Santa only has four reindeer.
Mike: He lost them in a late night dice game with the Ice Cream Bunny.
Bill: (in horrified realisation) Oh god... what does the Ice Cream Bunny want with five reindeer?
Mike: (whispers) You do not want to know.
The Wolf... thing's over the top performance and his hideously discordant theme music in particular (described as "two accordions having sex" and directly compared to the Torgo theme) cause the riffers to break down in confused laughter multiple times. And that's not even mentioning his giant, floppy jaw and creepy, disturbingly human-looking eyes.
Mike: An adult man, ladies and gentlemen.
This was also one of the rare, rare times RiffTrax had host segments. At the end of the short, Mike, Bill and Kevin lament "the death of Christmas" and how everyone forgot Merlin's bizarre humming in the short as a Christmas tradition, making it seem like it was a classic carol. They all then mindlessly start humming like Merlin to cap off the short.
As Santa is seen walking with a pair of reindeer during the first short:
Bill (as Santa): I need both of you tonight. Ho ho ho!
When the camera zooms in on a very pale, waxy-looking Santa:
Mike: (sounding unnerved) Up close, Santa looks like he's spent the last few weeks DEAD.
Kevin and Bill: (bust up laughing)
During the final short as the "Ogre" (Gumby and Pokey Mated!) once again threatens Santa
Ogre: Stop hiding Santa! I'll find you and when I do I'll destroy you!
Kevin: I swear Santa, I will tear out your liver and EAT IT IN FRONT OF THE UN GENERAL ASSEMBLY!!!
Bill: Ugh, dark turn in Santa's Village.
This gem:
Ogre: (offscreen) Merlin! Don't throw that at me!
—>Bill: (horrified) His colostomy bag, oh God!

Seat Belts - The Life Saving Habit

The riffers repeatedly call out the fact that the film makes a "subtle" shift in background music to sound more urban whenever a black person is on screen.
Bill's obvious horror at seeing the test dummies of children and babies slam into the windshield again and again:
Bill: Let's see it five more times so my nightmares are good and vivid tonight!
When the short cuts to a van that's about to crash with two children in the back portion of the van:
Kevin: (incredulous laughter) Kids, just kneel in the back like Gitmo prisoners!
- And again at how the narrator has to beg the parents shown to provide basic protection to their children:
  Bill: *sigh* Listen and weep as the announcer begs the parents to love their children.
"Sooner or later we're gonna hear 'Hi, I'm Troy McClure'..."
Kevin reaction the Flamingo Casino sign:
Kevin: "Flamingo: The pinkest of birds!"

Setting Up A Room

"Fred Armisen, everybody!"
The sheer madness of a half-hour-long short about putting together a kindergarten classroom drives the guys insane.
"Well, at least it's not setting up The Room." This, of course, gets Bill to trot out Tommy the Substitute teacher, with Mike and Kevin reacting as panicked children.
They theorize that the women are aliens and start imitating the Yip-Yip Martians.
The inexplicable appearance of younger movers and the porno music they start singing.
The Running Gag about the younger woman never introducing herself, that the women just want to end their lives, and the simmering anger they inject between the two leads.
The whole short can be summed up in this line:
Mike: WOULD YOU STOP SHOWING A WOMAN PUTTING AWAY BLOCKS!?
- He nearly breaks completely when they cut back.
The inexplicable moment when the cameraman audibly sneezes and they just keep going.
Kevin giving in to the madness.
Kevin: YES! THE CUBBIES! YOU GLORIOUS, INSANE BITCH!!!

Shake Hands with Danger

The final reprise of its theme song: "It's the 'Shake Hands with Danger' party mix!"
The narrator's awkward silence while Chuck Hamlin works on the excavator. Mike, Kevin and Bill use the opportunity to deliver some lame Chuck Norris facts for him. Later on, we see his dead body at various places throughout the film, and they note that the others are working while his corpse is still warm and (at the end) that he hasn't even been buried.
Bill: "Man, I REALLY fell on my keys!"
Hey everyone, the cruel old bastard finally got his comeuppance!" "Yay! Woohoo! I hope he dies!"
After Harry inadvertently wrecks a house due to not paying attention to the controls of his vehicle.
Kevin: (as the narrator) Shake Danger's Hand? Hell, Harry ain't fit to wipe danger's backside!
- Bill quietly cracking up while Mike hums a reprise of the endlessly repeated "Shake Hands with Danger" guitar riff makes this all the more hilarious.
  Bill: Shake hands with tedium. Buh, duh dah duh duh - *yawns*
- Right before the house wreck:
  Narrator: His attention is divided. While thinking about his son, his hands and feet go through motions he believes have become automatic.
  Mike: But then Harry also believes his wife's been faithful.
- According to the narrator, the reason the house wreck isn't worse is because the machine stopped itself.
  Mike: Thankfully, the machine is smarter than Harry.
When Glen gets pierced in the heart by a shard of metal knocked loose after a "mushroomed" chisel gets pounded.
Bill: We had our crack sniper shoot Glen to prove a point about safety.

The Shoemaker And The Elves

Seeing that the short was made in Japan, Kevin assumes that Mechagodzilla will cameo.
Upon the Narrator describing an overnight miracle, Mike assumes that Rumplestiltskin will show up.
The Fridge Logic of the most handsome boy and beautiful girl paying the shoemaker more than the richest man in town, in order to be able to pay him enough money to buy material for 4 pairs, as opposed to the two pairs worth the richest man gave them.

Skipper Learns a Lesson

The neighborhood kids are trying to talk new girl Susan into digging a trench in a vacant lot with them. We get this line when one young actor starts wildly overselling his enthusiasm for playing in the dirt:
Narrator: "You should see our trench!" Pete said, "It's long and wide and deep, too! We're having fun."
Kevin: Pete's favorite TV show was the test pattern.
Later:
Narrator: After that, everyone played together and had a good time.
Kevin: Until later that summer when they had to band together to destroy It.
When Skipper, the titular dog, meets a dachshund:
Narrator: "Go away!" said the dog. "Go away! You look funny!"
Bill: Said the practical joke of evolution.
"Would Old Yeller have been as beloved if he was a racist that got done in by poster paint? I say yes. Even more so."
Skipper explaining that he's unchanged after getting covered in poster paint.
Narrator: "Inside I'm no different than I was before!"
Mike: I'm still a dickweed!
When Skipper scares away a German Shepherd, we get this Shout-Out:
Narrator: "The big dog backed away. He was a nice dog, and didn't want a fight."
Mike: Too many of his relatives had been killed in Castle Wolfenstein.

Social Acceptability

As soul-sucking as the short itself is, Bridget and Mary Jo trying to sing the buzzword-filled opening card To the Tune of... the opening music, on the verge of dissolving into giggles, is one of the highlights.
Over the scene of Marian waiting for a call from her classmate:
Bridget: Look, Texas has become a state and Susie still hasn't called.
Mary Jo: "I don't care, I'll just read my Sylvia Plath book of affirmations!"
(phone rings)
Bridget: It's the Crisis Hotline cold-calling her.
Bridget making a gunshot noise after Marian closes her bedroom door.
Mary Jo: Well, it's a good thing her mom's keeping a safe distance and not crowding her by talking to her or exhibiting any tenderness...
Bridget: Letting her deal with it on her own.

Squeak the Squirrel

The short is all about training a squirrel to engage in logical thinking to retrieve nuts from hard-to-reach places. After many instances of increasingly difficult scenarios: "Leave him alone!"
At one point, the ladies drop all pretense:
Bridget: He's so cute!
Mary Jo: I know!

Story of a Teenage Drug Addict

Upon a close-up of the main character's old, unattractive mom:
Mike: GAH! Dad, why are you dressed like that?
The main character's unsuccessful attempt at boxing:
Drug Addict: The other guy made hamburger out of me.
Bill: Then I got kidnapped by some guy who kept saying, "Robble-robble!"

Story-Telling: Can You Tell It In Order?

Given how it involves an especially....enthusiastic clown (whom, to quote Mike, "there aren't enough prisons in the world to contain") teaching kids how to tell a story in the correct order, the short is filled to the brim with Monster Clown and Pedophile jokes from Mike, Kevin, and Bill.
Bill: (after an especially confusing and badly edited intro) Hey, this thing's hopelessly out of order already, start over!
The Clown: (appearing out of nowhere on the pitch black backdrop) BOO!!
Bill: (now screaming in terror) HOLY GOD, WHAT IS HAPPENING!?
Immediately afterwards, as the clown begins to describe the game he wants to play:
The Clown: OHHH That was FUN wasnt it!! (Kevin audiably cringes in horror) But that isn't the game were gonna play, NO SIREEE!
Kevin (horrified) ARGH I NEED AN ADULT!!
And immediately after that...
The Clown: And the game is called...
Bill (as the clown): A WRONG THAT CAN NEVER BE UNDONE!! GUHOHOY!!
When the clown starts to tell the story about Jim:
The Clown: Now this is the story about what happens when Jim's bedtime comes! (cue the kid on screen starting to strip)
Mike: (utterly mortified) What!? Oh, Mr. Clown, please, I beg of you, stop this NOW!!
And at the end:
Mike: (at the very end of the short) Coronet: Even we don't know what the Hell that just was.

Tale of Moose Baby

The short abruptly starts on already-rolling footage of a young, scraggly moose.
Narrator: ...World, which was new and strange to him.
Mike: Strange, because there was no title and very abrupt narration.
Narrator: There were many things for moose baby to learn about his new world.
Bill: Like why he's so hideous.
Over footage/narration of a chipmunk:
Mike: He heard Dave Saville yelling in frustration at the chipmunk.
There's a very short clip of a bird turning its head (Kevin: "Gah!").
Kevin: He saw a bird for about two-tenths of a second.
In general, the short has quite a few skips, resulting in narration being cut off and the trio clueless about how the sentence ends.

The First Christmas Tree

Kevin has his own idea as to the origin of Christmas trees.
Kevin: Hey! Let’s put up a tree in our house and decorate it.
Bill: Why?
Kevin: Because it’s the 1300s and I’ve got nothing better to do.
After the protagonist is introduced as a man who makes and sells toys, we are introduced to his wife and children.
Mike: (as the wife) Alright, kids. Off to the mines until your father finds a real job.

This Is Hormel

The 30 minute short is a tour of Hormel's "disassembly" factory for their processed meats. As one might expect of a 30 minute display of dead animal carcasses being processed, it achieves the level of Shock Site, resulting in many Brain Bleach moments - punctuated by the skinning of a cow carcass.
Mike: The tail! The tail! THE HORRIBLE TAIL!
All three: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Bill: You're still thinking about the tail, aren't you?
- Their speculation as to the shattered mental state of the poor souls trapped in the "hide cellar" and forced to process the skin of said carcasses is also golden.
  Kevin: This man's constant nightmares make the Saw films look like Dora the Explorer.
  Mike: You don't get fired at Hormel: you just get relocated to 'the hide cellar.'
  (later)
  Mike: Any tour member caught quipping 'Where's the beef?' will be thrown into the hide cellar.
- Over footage of a 1,000-pound-capacity meat grinder:
  Mike: Upton Sinclair suppresses a shameful boner while watching this.
The fact that the kids actually asked to have a tour of the plant gets a lot of mileage. Ultimately, the crew surmises they and their family went vegan after the tour.
Kevin (as the Hormel secretary): (writing back to the kids after getting their letter asking to have a tour of the plant) What the hell is wrong with you?!
The guys take advantage of the short's jaunty background music.
Kevin: (in his best "lounge-crooner" voice) It's the automatic scaling line... We're sortin' out some hams, yeah!
(later)
Kevin: The constant piped-in mariachi music motivates the workers with rage!
Repeated mention by the narrator of wieners (and wieners being "discharged" or "free swinging"), "hung" sausages, "picnic boning", boning lines, the "batch master" and other innuendo filled words cause Kevin to repeatedly melt down at the sheer number of jokes he could make.
Bill: Mishandling of oblong tins can lead to picnic boning!
- When the wieners pass through something called "stripping machines," operated by middle-aged women:
  Bill: "Marge back there is a stripping machine, too!"
  Mike: "I sure am, Betty!" (both giggle)
  Narrator: Hormel wieners are vacuum-packaged, and then move over an electronic check weigher which rejects all underweight packages.
  Mike: Also why my girlfriend rejected me.
After the inevitable Spam jokes are gotten out of the way:
Narrator: The cans are then fed into the massive 65-foot hydrostatic cooking tower.
Mike: Just kidding, it's Louie Anderson. They're fed to Louie Anderson.
Of course, in a short about pork manufacturing, they had to eventually get to the guys' favorite meat:
Narrator: Next is the story of bacon.
Bill: The greatest story ever told!

Three Magic Words

Bill makes a joke that the opening music, when sung backwards, is The Protocols of the Elders of Zion. Cut to the butcher's shop, where the butchers are wearing wide hats. Mike's response: "Wait a minute, those are rabbis!"
"Our hollow-eyed dopplegangers will fill you in in the rest."
"Just cook the #$(*ing dinner!"
"Smile, nod, back slowly towards the door..."
When it shows one of the chefs scoring a cucumber with a fork.
Wife: What are you doing?
Mike: "Eh, when I get bored, I like to mutilate phallic objects."
When the wife throws her scarf onto the cat, it makes a bizarre sound.
Mike: Did the cat just quack?

Tooth Truth with Harv and Marv

Mike spending the entire duration of the short's closing credits doing an imitation of Marv's laugh.
Mike and Bill on Ho Yay:
Mike: Sure, Harv and Marv argue, but the sex? Out of this world!
Bill: And so frequent.
The bizarre presence of the alien tooth fairy woman, who clearly does not want to be involved in this production at all.
- "Layer upon layer of madness."
Marv: I don't know a dentist. Can I call a plumber?
Bill: Marv's teeth are often clogged with TP and feces.
Mike does a hilarious impression of Harv, especially this line:
Harv: I know everything there is to know!
Mike: My non-specific rage prevents me from sharing though!

A Trip to the Moon

Mike: Gentlemen, please! If we can just reach agreement, we are steps away from giving the world the greatest Lemon Party the world has ever seen!
(a few minutes later)
Mike: Why are they taking off their robes? Guys, I was just KIDDING about the Lemon Party thing. GUYS, GUYS!
Kevin: Hang on. Hey, director, Mr. Méliès? That train station urchin kid is hanging out watching us again.
Bill: Ecch. Hugo. Throw rocks at him til he's dead!
A few shots at the Ambiguous Gender women at the launching.
Kevin: Step forward, pleasingly buttocked young sailor boy-girls!
(later)
Bill: Your breasts are firm and lovely, young man.

The Trouble With Women

The crew gets a lot of mileage with the misogyny.
Mr. Bradshaw: As per her qualifications, I assigned her to an inspections bench.
Mike: She got bra marks all over it!
- Also:
  Kevin: It's those damned Fallopian tubes, Walt!
"A woman by the name of... Mmmmmyrtle Malloy!" "He was voted 'most likely to impersonate Henry Fonda' in high school."
"You don't have cooties, do you?"
"We men don't have lives, we like it that way!"
This exchange:
Mr. Bradshaw: Maybe you should treat them right?
Brad: What do you mean, treat them right?!
Kevin (as Brad): You mean like even more resentment?!
Reacting to the "What's Brad's problem?" title card.
Mike: Well, he started life as Ellen Bradley, the hormones aren't taking, and he's kinda bitter. Good night.

U.S. Elections: How We Vote

When the short's title is shown, Kevin immediately quips, "Hungover in a middle school gym!"
Over a scene of a new voter getting registered:
Narrator: To be eligible to vote, a person must be a United States citizen, and a resident of the state.
Kevin: And beat the old lady in arm-wrestling.
Bill: (as elderly notary) Repeat after me. "Certified freak..."
Mike: "Certified freak..."
Bill: "Seven days a week."
Mike: "Seven days a week."
Election workers check voters' registration data against a map of districts and precincts.
Kevin: What the—these aren't gerrymandered at all! Someone get on that!
Kevin finds the footage of an envelope-stuffing machine surprisingly soothing.
Bill: Kevin, wake up, we're creating content!
Kevin: (groggy) Huh, what? Golden Corral's new slogan! ...Where am I?

The Value of Teamwork

The short follows a boy's talking dog trying to teach him the importance of working with others, but the boy is pretty stubborn and takes a while to get the dog's point.
Einstein (the talking dog): Remember that show we saw on TV about Antarctica? You know, where the South Pole is?
Mike: (as Max, the boy): Knight Rider?
Bill: (as Einstein) No, Max!
Mike: (as Max) I like Knight Rider.
- And then towards the end, when it seems like Max has figured things out...
Max: Because with teamwork, I'll always learn new things, complete great projects, and make everyone's work easier... even mine!
Einstein: That's it, you got it!
Mike: (as Max) And I did it all by myself!
Bill: (as Einstein) Damn it, Max! No!
Mike: (as Max) Knight Rider!
"You know, this story of a kid and his dog really answers that age-old question: What if Charlie Brown was a dick?"

Vision in the Forest

The Running Gag involving Vaughn Monroe's elderly looking wife.
As Smokey the Bear comes out of a billboard: "Pedobear: The Motion Picture!"

Walking To School

Many jokes about how long and convoluted the kids' route to school appears to be, culminating in Bill's disbelieving reaction when it's shown to include a highway overpass:
Bill: "Oh, come on! Really?"

What It Means To Be An American

The frequent attempts to end the short and the guys' exasperation when it just keeps on going. It's made doubly funny by being one of the longer shorts and thus sold in two parts, making it a Running Gag.

You and Your Family

In the transition between scenes:
Narrator: Now, are you ready for the next family scene?
Mike: No, I'd like a break... (narrator continues on) Hey! Why even ask?

You're the Judge

After watching the two girls spend the whole short on a convoluted Zany Scheme to try to arrange a date with a couple boys, Bill has this advice:
Bill: "You realize you have breasts, right? These are teenage boys; it's not difficult!"

Zlateh the Goat

After Aaron and Zlateh take shelter in a giant haystack, the guys react in horror as Aaron starts to drink milk straight from Zlateh's udders.
(Aaron smiles at Zlateh as he gets an idea)
Mike: Uh, kid? Why are you smiling like that?
(The scene then cuts to a shot of Zlateh's udders)
Kevin: (gags) Please, kid. Whatever you're thinking, don't! No!
Bill: Come on, guys. It's just a sweet story of a boy and his pet goat and— (Aaron starts squirting milk from Zlateh's udder into his mouth) UNHOLY UNION WITH A BEAST! MOTHER OF GOD!
Mike: STOP IT! DAMN YOU, STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!
Kevin: I WANT THIS MOVIE ARRESTED! I WANT EVERYONE INVOLVED IN MAKING IT ARRESTED! AND THEN I WANT MYSELF ARRESTED!
- Afterwards, Aaron takes out a sandwich, meaning he didn't have to resort to surviving on goat milk, much to Bill's outrage.

Funny / RiffTrax — Shorts

Batman Takes Over

Batman: Tunnel of Terror

Batman: Robin's Wild Ride

Batman: Batman Trapped!

Batman: Robin Rescues Batman

Batman: Target Robin

Batman: The Fatal Blast

Batman: The Wizard Strikes Back

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Index

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Funny / RiffTrax — Shorts

Edit Locked

Batman Takes Over

Batman: Tunnel of Terror

Batman: Robin's Wild Ride

Batman: Batman Trapped!

Batman: Robin Rescues Batman

Batman: Target Robin

Batman: The Fatal Blast

Batman: The Wizard Strikes Back

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Index

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