Funny / RiffTrax Presents

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• Janet Varney's commentaries are made even more hilarious if one first got to know her from The Legend of Korra.

Alien

• Kevin theorizes if the music had been done by Randy Newman instead:
  I've got a little alien in me,
  It's as busy as a little bee.
  It's gonna be my dinner guest
  When it busts out of my chest,
  Because I've got a little alien in me.
• "Hey Ripley, I gotta question for ya!"
  Kevin: Where's your butt, woman!?
• "Well, it seems friendly enough, I'm going to stick my face in its mouth!"
• After Ash snaps at Ripley:
  Kevin: I don't like girls touching my stuff!
  Bill: (whispering) I do.
• Kevin makes an awesome reference to a certain movie
  Kevin: I've got my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder, and Guilder to frame for it. I'm swamped!
• The scene where the spaceship is leaving the Alien's planet is so long that Bill actually takes a shower while it's happening and still makes it back in time.
• After Ripley's weird emphasis on the word "fucking":
  Bill: She's new to cursing, isn't she?
  Kevin (laughing): I think so!
• All of the jabs at John Hurt being pale, including saying that when he absorbs light it only makes him paler.
• During the end, with Ripley's Fanservice moment.
  Kevin: She borrow her six year old niece's undies for this part?
  Bill: Hey! You have to be in the Plumber's Union for that!
  Kevin: Suddenly I feel like parking a bike!

Batman Forever

This one's notable for being done not by the usual group, but by Doug Walker, his brother Rob, and Brian Heinz, with plenty of good lines including the following:

• "Every time I meet a guy, he's either gay or Batman." "Sometimes both!"
• "Harvey, you need help." "Yes, listen to the man in the Bat suit." (Doubles as a Shout-Out to The Critic's review of Batman & Robin.)
• "Why is no one undressing Comissioner Gordon with their eyes?"
  • Later: "I wonder what Commissioner Gordon is wearing right now..." "COTTON CANDY!!"
• "How do you sneak acid into a court house?" "And isn't it a conflict of interest to have Batman on the jury?"
• "Ronita, Roberto, and Robespierre" "And I'm Dick!"
• "I'm Batman!" "I'm Batman!" "I'm Batman!" "I'm Batman, and so's my wife!"
• "In honor of the Graysons, send in the clowns..." (scene changes to outside Wayne Manor) "...Aaand a horse humping a rock. Way to ruin the moment, thank you Joel Schumacher."
• [After Batman is buried under a pile of sand] And to add insult to injury, Catwoman will now take a dump on him.
• "Is this a robin?" "No, it's a helmet, you dumbass."
• "I shall be the Green Lightbulb!"
• This:
  Two-Face: Heads, we accept, and tails, we blow your damn head off! (throws coin into the air)
  Doug, Rob, and Brian: TAILS! TAILS! TAILS!
• "Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank, they're not."
• "Oh God, they're not even trying anymore." "Even the Electric Mayhem wasn't this electric." "Looks like board game night at Elton John's house."
• "Tell me your fantasies." "Oh. Oh, that's just nasty." "Tell me your secrets." "Oh, ew, with a kumquat?"
• "I'm going to tell her... everything." "Even the sex change." "What?" "Nothing!"
• "Which one should I steal? Adam West, Michael Keaton... Clooney? What the...?"
• "Wayne Manor..." "...he killed how many prostitutes this time?"
• "Trick or treat!" "I'll unleash the hounds."
• "This is the douchiest way to do your laundry ever."
• "Mom, why are we walking through David Lynch's brain? It's so foggy and scary and empty in here!"
  • "Hey, look, the first Batman movie is on!" "Have you ever frolicked with a fox in a flickering fire? ...no, wait, that's terrible; wait there, kid, I got a couple more I want to try..."
• "It's happening again..." "I'll have Alfred get the rubber pants."
• [in a campy, lisping voice] Hi! This is Joel Schumacher. Allow me to explain this sudden change in style, location, and lighting.... I'm a bad director. The explanation is over.
• (On the Riddler's light-up suit) "Guess where he hid the battery."
• (In response to a close-up of a very... unfortunate... place...)"Why is there a zipper there?!"
• (After Batman enters Riddler's very cheesy lair) Ugh... I miss the Joker.
• "Hey, it's Two and a Half Men."
• "Edward Nigma has been screaming for hours that he knows the true identity of Batman." "Who is this 'Adam West' he speaks of?"
• "Uh... are they holding hands? "There's nothing ambiguous about it anymore..."
• "Tommy Lee Jones IS Billy Dee Williams IN the role Aaron Eckhardt made famous!"
• "I think Commissoner Gordon has entered his second childhood." "Hee hee hee, hahaha! I WANT COTTON CANDY! I WANT A CANDY APPLE! BRUCE, GET ME SOME COTTON CANDY!"
  • WHERE'S MY COTTON CANDY?!?!?!?!
• The Running Gag about the Dawson Casting of Dick. "I'm 15, really" "Oh God, I'm an orphan. A 28-year-old orphan" "I wish I was never legally made your ward at the age of 34"
• "I gotta save that booty, and Dr. Meridian."
• "HI! I'M YOUR DESTINY!"

The Brain That Wouldn't Die

• As Kurt goes on at length about his life to Jan:
  Bridget: You know, the thing about being in a pan is that it makes it really hard to get away from boring guys.
  • As the scene continues:
  Bridget: Is he really complaining to her?
• As the deformed Closet Monster is revealed:
  Bridget: Keep in mind this is only three days post-op. The swelling will go down, and he'll be the Mickey Rourke we all know and love.

Cat-Women of the Moon

• Bridget's Overly Long Gag comparing a deadly gas leak to the smell of a junior-high boy's bedroom. She abruptly stops talking during an external shot of the rocket, then resumes her description when the action returns to the inside, which is where Mary Jo loses it.
• Our crew takes a lackadaisical approach towards selecting a safe touchdown site. (What is this, the Satellite of Love?)
  Helen: This is the perfect landing place, believe me! I don't know why I know it, but... I know it for sure.
  Mary Jo: Lady-astronaut intuition. Most logical, Captain.
  • The feminine-intuition plot thickens:
    Kip: I only wanted to point out that from the angle the ship entered the crater, it would have been impossible for Miss Salinger to spot that cave.
    Bridget: She's a witch! BURN HER!
    Mary Jo: There's also a lot of cat litter on the ship. I'm just saying, something's up.
• As the Moon's surface comes into clearer view:
  Mary Jo: Well, whatever dried all over the Moon is not gonna come off by scrubbing; we're going to have to soak it overnight.
• When Helen meets the Cat-Women:
  Helen: With your wisdom, how is it that you never came to us on Earth?
  Alpha: Our ancestors made one fatal error, Helen.
  Mary Jo: We can't read maps.
• Over a shot of the lunar landscape, with what was probably supposed to look like Earth hanging in the sky:
  Mary Jo: Dammit, we missed the moon!
• Bridget starts to get suspicious.
  Bridget: Mary Jo, do you think the filmmakers just knew that this movie would be shown at drive-ins, and like forty minutes in everyone would just be making out, so they saved their plot ideas?
  Mary Jo: Yes, except they didn't have plot ideas.
• When the aliens request to know the mens’ weaknesses, the pair offer things that drive their husbands crazy.
• After the token heroic alien inevitably falls for one of the shlubby astronauts:
  Beta: She has fallen in love with the radio operator!
  Bridget: (childishly) Shut up, Debbie!
  • From the same scene, MJ and Bridget apologizing profusely and talking over each other when Alpha strikes Lambda.
• Kip interrogates Helen, after figuring out that Alpha has been mentally influencing her.
  Kip: And who do you really love?
  Mary Jo: That information is for George Thorogood only!
• At the movie's climax (or rather, its anticlimax):
  Mary Jo: Everything worked out just fine off-camera!
  Bridget: (sighs) It's sad when you have to put a pet down.

The Day After Tomorrow

• There's a hilarious callback to one of the most... interesting shorts they've done.
  • "Drugs are like THAT, too."
• Bill frequently jokes about how the vice president in the movie is an Expy of Dick Cheney, giving him fitting names.
  • "Vice President Nick Blaney!"
• Bill doing a New Yorker impersonation.
  • Which comes off as somewhat surreal, since Bill himself is from New York City, so he's giving a NYC accent when he already speaks in one naturally.
• When Sam is calling his parents and his Love Interest, Laura, is trying to get him to hang up because the room is flooding
  Laura: Sam!
  Bill (as Laura): Will you call my boyfriend for me?
• "Harry, Hermione, Ron!..... black kid!
• Kevin's boat puns.
• Bill pointing out how unnecessary the burning books is
  "Oh, yes, plenty of books to burn on those OAK TABLES!"

Jaws 3

• Regarding a man's attractive backside:
  Janet Varney: Ooh, nice back-ting.

Jurassic Park III

• The intro has Matthew J. Elliott believing he's here to riff upon Jaws 3-D, only to learn It's Been Done ^note as the previous Presents release. He asks to be given another third movie so he doesn't have to come up with too many new riffs.
• After Alan comes to from being knocked out, he asks to be told the others didn't land the plane.
  MJ Elliott: (as Alan) Then tell me you like me better than Jeff Goldblum!
• "This is the most futile rescue attempt since they added Robert Vaughn to the cast of The A-Team!"

"Koopa Klaus"

• “A green character who hates Christmas. Groundbreaking stuff.
• Sean wonders if Koopa already owned a sled before this scheme.
• After Toad shows more regard for the well-being of his snowboard than his friends.
  Conor: (as Toad) Go to Hell, mammals!
  • As the characters see Koopa flying through the air.
  Peach: Look, up in the sky!
  Mario: It’s a bird.
  Luigi: It’s a plane.
  Conor: It’s-a infringing.
  • When Toad asks if the Princess is alright, Conor comments that she surely isn’t, since she brought a snowboard for Hawaii.
  • The riffers make it seem like the Brothers have inflicted a Groin Attack on Koopa Klaus, before clarifying that they meant his “sack of toys”, since reptiles don’t have scrotums.
  • As Koopa Klaus is sent calling from his sleigh.
  Conor: Great, now Tim Allen has to take over as Koopa Klaus.

She

• When the title character refers to herself as "She who must be obeyed," Mary Jo and Bridget respond with "MOM?!"
• This quip follows a few minutes later:
  She Who Must be Obeyed: He will not be alone.
  Mary Jo: I will use the sacred baby monitor of my people!
• Bridget and Mary Jo point out Randolph Scott's stone-faced reaction when his character listens to She talk about the lover she killed, arguing that the film takes the term "science fiction" literally as no one in their right minds would react to something like that in the manner Scott does.

Sherlock Holmes

• As Sherlock gives Watson the money he won betting on the fight:
  MJ Elliott: He didn't really win that much, but the camera adds fifteen pounds.
• On the sergeant found dead at the end.
  Clark: I'm afraid sewage workers found his body just this morning.
  MJ Elliott: Ah, so the body was in-turd.

Spider-Man 2

• "Whooo! Yay ledge!"
• "And her entire skeletal system was pulverized."
• "BOOOOOONESAW IS READY! To be left out of this picture, and feel really depressed about it. Seriously, BONESAW was seeing a therapist for a while. But now, BONESAW IS REAAADY... to get on with his life." (After he appears in the retelling of the first film during the opening credits.)
• From the bit of the opening credits where the music overtly invokes "God bless America":
  Kevin: ♪God bless America...♪
  Bill: ♪Bum, bum, bum, bum...♪
  Kevin: ♪Laaand of Spider-Maaan...♪
  Bill: ♪Aaahhhhh...♪ I love this country! ...And freakish arachnid boys.
• Dr. Connors reprimands Peter for his flagging performance
  Dr. Connors: Your grades have been steadily declining. You're late for class. You always appear exhausted.
  Bill (as Dr. Connors): It's like you're in college, or something...
• Introducing the robotic arms.
  Reporter: But Dr. Octavius, if the artificial intelligence of these arms is as advanced as you suggest, wouldn't that leave you vulnerable to them?
  Octavius: How right you are.
  Bill: KILL HER, ARMS!
• Bruce Campbell's cameo:
  Bruce: And you might want to...
  Josh Fruhlinger: ...Be as awesome as me.
• When an image of Norman Osborn appears in the mirror.
  Harry: Dad, I thought you're...
  Willem Dafoe: "I'm in art film hell.
• "Spidersprite, spidersprite/Totally digital spidersprite/Is he real? Listen, bud/He's got zeroes and ones for blood!"
• When Peter gets a medical exam:
  Doctor: You seem very okay to me. My diagnosis? [points to head] It's up here.
  Josh Fruhlinger: Brain tumor.
• When an unmasked Peter is saving the train with his arms spread wide:
  Kevin: Hmm, he's reminding me of someone. Someone important. A messianic figure. Someone who was willing to sacrifice himself for the good of all humankind!
  Josh Fruhlinger: Scott Stapp from Creed?
  Kevin: That's it!
• During the "Raindrops Keep Fallin' On My Head" montage:
  B.J. Thomas: ♪So I just did me some talkin' to the sun. And...♪
  Kevin: ♪...Then I went home and ate a big ol' jar of paste!♪
  • And then during the freeze frame on Peter:
    Kevin: Spider-Man 2 will be back after these messages...

TRON

• During Sark's initial conversation with the MCP.
  Sark: What branch of the service?
  MCP: Strategic Air Command.
  Sark: Nice.
  Jonathan Coulton: So he's got an affinity for SAC.
• As Clu and Bit are being chased by Sark's forces.
  Clu: Get out of here!
  Bit: (as it flees) YESYESYESYES!
  Storm: Bit, you horrible coward.
• As Sark approaches the I/O Tower manned by Dumond of the... suggestive headwear.
  Sark: Bring in the Logic Probe!
  Jonathan Coulton: Wow. Dong-shaped hats, logic probes, this movie's filthy!

Vacation Days

• On the rather odd sight of a group of masked desperados (bandanas, black hats and all) holding up a bank and then fleeing the scene in a car:
  Bridget: Yeah, cars put all the union horses out of work in Westerns.
• During a pretty racist scene where one character tries to talk to some Native Americans in a less than flattering way, Bridget and Mary Jo nervously try to Change the Uncomfortable Subject.
  • Of course, their reaction as soon as the Native Americans first appear on-screen is also worth mentioning.
  • The father of the "Indian" girl with a crush on Freddie introduces him to the concept of the peace pipe.
    Lee: Yeah, but what are we celebrating?
    Mary Jo: "My daughter is going to accept an Academy Award on behalf of Marlon Brando."
• During an extended scene of a swing band performing.
  • "He's just a music man now, but during the war he killed fifteen Nazis with that clarinet."
  • "Hard to believe these guys went on to become ELO."
  • (As two of the cast members sway back and forth) "We've heard about dancing, but we've never seen it."

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