Funny: Everybody Loves Raymond
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- In "Captain Nemo", Dave, Kevin and Andy interrupting Ray's shower and imitating him.
Kevin: (as Ray) In my baaaafroom!
- In "Diamonds", Debra's frantically searching for her lost wedding ring:
Amy: Well, you know what they say: It'll be the last place you look.
Debra: (annoyed) Of course it'll be the last place I look, because once I find it, I won't have to look for it anymore! (calms down) ...I'm sorry, I'm just a little...
Debra: Yeah. that.
- In "Ray's on TV", after Ray's disastrous second appearance on a sports show:
Frank: I could've eaten a box of Alpha Bits and crapped a better interview.
- In "Father Knows Least", Ray pretends to be a little kid so Debra can practice her active listening technique, but Ray is overly difficult ("You're a member of this family, and we help each other." "Yeah well, tough noogies.")
Debra: Time out. Time out. Are you being Ray the little kid, or Ray the big ass?Ray: I'd like to be both.
- In "The Children's Book", the scene when Debra gets frustrated with her writer's block.
Debra: I would want to run away, too if I was stuck in a piece of CRAP like- (kicks the book)
Debra: I don't know how you do it. Every day, writing? It's hell.
- Then Ray rubs it in:
Ray: Well......... yeah. I try not to bring it home. Guess you've gotten a little peek there. I mean, it's not all hanging out at the games with the guys and the hot dogs and the make-your-own sundaes.
Debra: Well, I suck. Good night.
- In "Six Feet Under", Frank singing "I Left My Heart in San Francisco".
Frank: "Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. My wife thinks I'm in the bathroom."
- In "Good Girls", after Ray, Debra, and Robert find out that Marie wasn't such a "good girl".
Marie: "Frank and I... succumbed to temptation once. Just once before we were married! I-I was weak... and I fell for your father's boyish good looks... that was a long time ago. I knew we shouldn't have done what we did! But we were in love. Right, Frank?"
Frank: I wanted sex.
Debra: "So it was just the once and then you got married?"
- And the scene continues to deliver:
Frank: "It was just the once and then we HAD to get married."
Marie: "FRANK, NO!"
Ray: "Woah, woah, had to get married? Wait, so Robert's..."
- From "Traffic School", when Debra finds out about Ray's traffic ticket:
Frank: If I have to stay, so does Ray. He's got that traffic ticket he doesn't want to tell Debra about.
Debra: What ticket?
Ray: Oh, what is happening?!
Frank: It had something to do with a halter top. Halted you pretty good!
Ray: Dad! (to Debra) You know how these things happen. You see somebody and you think they're naked. Then you look and they're just wearing a beige top. The next thing you know, you've run over a couple of cones.
Robert: Reckless driving.
Debra: So you just ride around looking for naked?
Ray: Well, if it won't come to me...
Debra: "Come on, Ray, this was YOUR idea [to have Robert's session be more fun]."
- We have Robert's presentation with the dummy, "Timmy".
Ray: "...Did anybody hear me say "puppet?"
Frank: I'm getting tired of Timmy's mouth.
- "Timmy" asks Marie to give the instructions on how to properly back out. After doing so:
Marie: "That's it!"
"Timmy": "Ohhh, that's it. (Turns to Robert) She thinks that's it."
Robert: "Isn't that everything, Timmy?"
"Timmy": 'Oh, sure, that's everything. But how about making sure your first-born child is in the car before pulling out of a gas station in NEW MEXICO?!"Ray: "....That's awfully specific."
- Followed immediately by:
Marie: "Robbie, that was 30 years ago!"
"Timmy": "Oh, yeah. Great family road trip, going to see the Grand Canyon. Frank stops to get some gas and you all drive off while Robert's still in the men's room?"
Frank: "How would you know? You weren't there!"
Ray: "We got a real battle of wits going on here."
- This bit:
"Timmy": Sit down, shiny.
Frank: You want to start with me?
Ray: Dad. Puppet.
- Raymond comes to comfort Robert and tell him it's not so great being smothered.
Ray: "Remember when Mom used to follow me to school?"Robert: "Oh, yeah. She used to hide from tree to tree."Ray: "Wait... so... THAT'S THE CRAZY TREE LADY FROM THE DREAM! I just had one four nights ago! So... the jumping canoe guy is..."Robert: "Dad!"
- Robert sees Timmy missing his head.
Frank: "Not so funny without his head, is he?!"Robert: "What'd you do, Dad? I need that!"(Marie opens freezer, sees Timmy's head, screams)Frank: (Evil Laugh)
- In "Brother", this exchange between Ray, Robert, and Marie.
Marie: Go ahead, keep laughing. One of these days, you'll turn around, and I won't be here.Ray spins aroundRay: Not today!Robert: HA!
- In "The Ride-Along", after Robert has stopped a would-be robber (see Crowning Moment of Awesome), his partner Judy goes to check outside for any accomplices.
[to Robert] "No getaway car. [to the criminal] Got no friends?"
Marie: He's like an animal, marking his territory! [Frank pokes her with the fork] Ow!
- Frank is poking his used fork into food after Marie tells him that no one else can eat it if he does that.
Frank: What? That's a compliment!
Ray: God, I wish this was the wrong house.
- In "Golf", when Marie describes Ray's "anxiety attack":
Marie: Our son has mental problems!
- In "All I Want For Christmas", Debra keeps giving Ray signals that she wants to have sex with him later, which makes Ray all hot and bothered. In one scene, Debra gets up close to fix Ray's button, when all of a sudden Marie sneaks up behind Ray and quietly says, "I need you, Raymond." Of course, she didn't mean it in a sexual context, but it made Ray all flustered for obvious reasons.
- In "Halloween Candy", Ray and the guys are at Nemo's Pizza, wanting to know what Angelina the waitress is wearing for Halloween. Andy's response to Angelina's costume:
Andy: Please whack me with your ruler, Sister Mary Wowie-wow-wow-WOW.
- In "Robert's Date", Robert tries to become "hip".
Frank: "I'm talkin' to you on the phone the other day; I can't even understand what the hell you're saying anymore! What did you call me "dog" for?!"
Robert: "That's a nice thing, Dad! You say it to your friends! That means I like you!"
Frank: "Oh yeah? Well, from now on, I'm callin' you "Jackass"! That means he's great!"
Ray: (enters) "Hey."
Frank: "Hey, "Ugly"!"
Ray: "W-what's that all about?"
Frank: "That's "Robert-Talk". That means you're good looking! (looks at Marie) Hey, good looking!"
Robert: "That is so whack!"
- From the same episode, when Judy and her friends begin to get uncomfortable with Robert hanging around them because he's acting too "ethnic" (hint - Judy is black), she volunteers Ray to explain the situation to him. His response to Robert's dismay is pure gold.
Ray: "Right there, see? That's what I'm talking about. We're Italian, Robert. "Whack" means something else to us."
Ray: What are you doing?
- This bit:
Robert: Ah, nothing, just here to help out ally with her report on Harriet Tubman. (guilt-tripping) You know, it's Black History Month.
Ray: Thank you, Superfly.
Ray: Nothing, it's just, uh, I never seen you so... stylin'.
Robert: Just some new clothes, that's all. Gotta get out more, mah brutha.
- In "The Toaster", Ray finds his parents returned his Christmas gift, a toaster engraved with a message from his whole family, without opening it. After telling them what it said, Frank, who's not yet fully awake, replies, "It spoke?"
Ray: You know what? Any time I've ever given you a present, it's never been any good.
- Ray says he can never please Marie and Frank with his Christmas presents:
Marie: That's not true.
Ray: No?? The microwave.
Marie: Well, that. We didn't need a microwave.
Frank: And they're dangerous! What if I wanted to have more children?
Ray: If God hasn't stopped you, the government will. What about the Fruit-of-the-Month Club?
Marie: Oh that was insane! A year of fruit?! You know they still send me flyers wanting me to rejoin? (disgusted) And pictures of apricots!
Frank: "Can't you ever just be quiet?!"Marie: "Don't you tell me to be quiet! I have a mind of my own you know! I can contribute! I'm not just some... trophy wife!"[beat, Frank looks at Marie incredulously]Frank: "You're a trophy wife? ...What contest in Hell did I win?"
- In the same episode:
- Shortly after that, the toaster in question is brought in by a woman whose son had bought it for her after Frank and Marie had returned it. Marie eagerly asks if she's planning to exchange it, to which the woman bluntly replies "Of course not, I got it from my son. What sort of mother would I be?"
- One of the funniest moments in the series is in "Moving Out", when Ray comes home from work and begins to talk about his exhausting day. Marie comes up behind him and silently gives him a back rub. Ray thinks it's Debra and turns to kiss her, but is horrified when he sees it's Marie and falls off his chair to the floor. The timing on his reaction is just perfect.
Ray: What are you doing?!?!Marie: Trying to help you relax!Ray: EEEGGGGGGHHHH!!!
- "Oh God, now the dreams are gonna start again."
- Pretty much the entirety of "Ray Home Alone"'s third act, especially the scene where Ray and Robert hide in the closet, waiting to scare Frank. But they hesitate when it seems an upset Marie has entered the room as well, and Frank starts comforting her... Then Frank says, "Hey, you know what we haven't done in a while?" Ray and Robert bolt out of the closet in horror when Frank says, "Ohhhhhh yeeeaaaahhhhh...." But it turns out Frank was just talking to himself, as he knew they were in the closet the whole time.
Frank: Got 'em again, Marie!Ray: YOU'RE A SICK MAN!!Robert: WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU!?!Ray: I'll tell you, I'll tell you what's wrong with him!! He's a SICK MAN!!
- Also funny: When Marie finds out, she asks Ray and Robert if Frank scared them, and Robert replies, "Uh-huh..." in the tone of a little kid.
- In "Pants on Fire":
Marie: Did you smoke?Ray: ...Smoke WHAT?Marie: OH MY GOD!!!
- In "The Apartment", Ray is stoked about the outdoor jacuzzi: "Jacuzzi! Jacuzzi, jacuzzi, bubbles in my hiney!"
- In "No Fat", Marie is told she's close to the danger zone of having a heart attack, so she strives to eat healthy. She starts by makes tofu turkey for Thanksgiving, but nobody likes it. Ray has some actual turkey delivered to the house, which offends Marie. Debra takes it away from him. Later that night, Marie sneaks over to Ray and Debra's house and is caught eating the real turkey that Debra was going to give away. When Debra asks, "What about your diet?", we get this great exchange:
Marie: What's the point of living longer if you're miserable, dear?
Debra: I think that every day...
- In "How They Met", Ray doesn't catch Debra's signals:
Debra: It looks like I've made too much food here, if you're hungry.
Ray: Oh, yeah?
Debra: Yeah, you want some?
Ray: All right, yeah. Wrap it up; I'll eat it in the truck.
Debra: You talking about it made me really hungry for it!
- Earlier, Ray is trying to ask Debra out. Debra, who's been clued in to this by Gianni, tries to throw him a bone by suggesting that she'll be going for lunch the next day to the Chinese place they'd been talking about earlier.
Ray: Oh, yeah? [beat] ...Actually, I just had Chinese today.
Gianni: [deadpan] Oh, my god.
- A Deleted Scene from the DVD has Ray and Deb in the bathroom; Ray is contemplating shaving the area between his eyebrows.
Ray: Are you supposed to shave here?Deb: You... can if you want to.Ray: Well, what do you do?Deb: Sorry, I don't have that problem. I evolved. (Walks out)Ray: ... into a meaner person.
- Pretty much the entire last act of "Sex Talk", especially these moments:
Marie: It's obvious I'm a woman, and I have needs like any other woman. And if I'm still fortunate enough to enjoy the pleasures of sex, well then I'm going to!
- When Marie finally admits that she enjoys sex. Robert happens to walk in at that moment, and is weirded out. He then slowly walks out of the room as Marie keeps discussing it:
Robert: (from other room, annoyed) Oh God...
- When Ray asks how Frank and Marie can have sex twice a week at their age, Frank responds, "Hey, I don't work anymore; what else do I gotta do?" Marie adds: "And you're forgetting the most important thing about the sex!" Debra worriedly remarks, "Oh God...", thinking Too Much Information is about to be shared.
- In the aptly-titled episode "Debra Makes Something Good", Frank "cheating" on Marie with Debranote , even coming to the house with flowers for her.
Frank: "Anyone who can make braciole like this deserves a whole hillside full of heavenly-scented marigolds and daffodils."
- In the same vein as "Brother", this bit in "Cousin Gerard":
Marie: I think you could do this one thing for me, while I'm still here...Ray: You mean, "in the kitchen"? (Marie looks offended)
Gerard: Right nyow.
- The whole scene where Ray "works on" Gerard to make him less like Ray, but especially the bit where Ray tries to teach Gerard how to say "now" without an accent:
Ray: All right, what does a cat say?
Gerard: ...You mean a talking cat??
- In "Debra's Workouts" when Ray says he had sex three times this week:
Gianni: I think you're confusing sex with showering.
Debra: What, so you're getting all paranoid because we had a little extra sex last week?
- When Ray confronts Debra about being turned on after her workouts where a hunky guy is the exercise leader:
Ray: Three times! Three times, right? You don't think that's out of the ordinary? I'm surprised it wasn't on the news.
Debra: So you think I'm cheating on you with you? (gives a confused look)
Ray: Put it however you want. You know what you're doing.
Debra: You what? I'm tired. Could you just call yourself an idiot?
- In "Hackidu", Marie displays her uncanny knowledge of a children's card game.
Marie: What card did she have?Ray: I don't know... Scrami-something-or-other...Marie: A Scramisaur?Debra: You know about this stuff?Marie: A little. Scramisaur is the fastest creature on Hackidu Mountain. He starts off as a Slugglewog, very slow, and he can only evolve into Scramisaur if he gets the Sonic Crystal. That's why Scramisaurs are so rare and valuable.[beat, everyone stares]Marie: I'm Grandma. I have this, and candy.
- From "What's With Robert?", Frank had a Gay Moment in the war.
"Our coats were insufficient. It was huddle or die!"
- In "Left Back," Ray can't sleep because he's having a confidence crisis, so he wakes up Debra for reassurance:
Ray: Am I stupid?Debra: (deadpan) If this is your new way of asking for sex, then yes.
- In "The Author", Ray gets rejected by a publishing company at the same time Robert gets promoted to Lieutenant. Rather than be congratulating him, Ray gets into an argument that escalates in a very hilarious fight. One moment has Ray trying to take Robert's shoe off, before realizing how dangerously close his face is to Robert's smelly foot.
- Warren and Lois' imitations of each other in "Fighting In-Laws."
- In "Christmas Present", Marie inquires about the DVD player that Ray received:
Marie: What is a DVD player?Ray: Come on, not now, mom.Marie: Is it for pornography?Marie: I don't like that, Debra.
- In "Silent Partners": "Imagine a rain so beautiful, it must never have existed."
- "Stefania Arrives": Debra wonders if Robert and Stefania can just be friends. Frank deadpans: "That broad ain't built for friendship."
- In "What Good Are You?", after Debra chokes and Ray just sits there:
Debra: Y'know, is it too much to ask for you to save my life once in a while? I mean, I think it's the least you could do.
Ray: I don't want to be taken care of.
- While at the pizza place, Ray is repeatedly teased by Andy, Gianni, and Robert. In one instance:
Ray: (annoyed) What are you laughing at?
Robert: I'm just noting the irony in your statement in the light of the fact that you live across the street from your mother.
Ray: (can't believe what he's hearing) What are you talking about?! You lived there for 35 years!
Robert: (shaking fingers) Lived! Lived! Past tense! I'm now miles away from them. 1.38 miles.
- In "The Journal", Ray reveals his secret journal language to Debra by saying "Y-oka, my e-wif." When Debra chuckles at how easy that is to crack, she says, "It's not at all... e-lam." And follows it with: "Good night, my little... ass-jack."
Ray: That's not even how you do it, okay? It's not the whole word. It's just the letter. It's "s-jacka".
- In "The Sneeze", when Ray is sick in bed:
Ray: Ma tell you about the guy sneezing on me?
Frank: (unsympathetically) Yeah yeah, Shirley.
Debra: (resigned) Chocolate, vanilla, or strawberry?
- Debra rants to Marie and Ray about how sick in the head they are, and declares Ray perfectly healthy. The phone rings and it's the doctor's office: "Get back into bed, you've got strep throat." Even better, moments later Ray asks for ice cream:
Ray: Could you mix all three?
- "Fairies": When Ray desperately tries to get Michael and Jeffrey to perform well as fairies so they can get back into the show. They fail spectacularly (they run around and scream).
Ray: That's not funny, all right? It's gonna be funny when you're up there and you're the worst fairies of the play. Is that gonna be funny? Come on. I've seen the other fairies, guys, they put you away.
- "Net Worth": When Debra is upset at Ray for investing in a Go-Kart park without her permission, Ray tried to rope Robert into it by saying he invested too:
Debra: Hey, Robert can spend his money how he wants. He's not married, he's alone.
Robert: Doo-dah, doo-dah...
Ray: Who would win between me and Debra?
- Later, Robert mentions that he dated a woman who determined a person's net worth if they were to pass away. Debra passes with flying colors, while Ray barely has anything to his name:
Robert: Well, we're talking about death here, Raymond. There's really no winning.
Debra: Okay, yeah, who's worth more?
Robert: It's a little complicated. I mean, a jury could look at almost anything. For example, did you know that they're more sympathetic to an attractive person?
Frank: Say good night, Ray-mo.
Robert: I'm sure if Debra's life was presented to a jury, they would see that she was very active. That she worked out, she was healthy, spirited, she had a zest for life.
Ray: Got it!
Robert: And they would also be more sympathetic to Debra because she is the primary caregiver and nurturer.
Debra: I win.
Ray: Wait wait a minute, wait a minute, what about me?
Robert: Well, Raymond, I guess you're the financial provider.
Ray: Damn straight. I make the cheddar, baby. Yeah. What else?
Robert: Ummmmm....... (high-pitched and raspy) I dunno.
- "The Canister", the whole thing. But particularly Debra's "what if" speech to Ray and Robert if she returns Marie's borrowed canister (which Debra had thought returned):
Debra: Nobody's gonna stop me?! Nobody cares what happens to me? Or or not even to me, but let's just say I bring this thing back, and you know, she's always right. And she has more power than ever. Like when you (to Robert) say, "Mom, I don't want to marry that girl. I think you're wrong about her." "Oh? Was I wrong about the CANISTER?" Or you, (to Ray) when you say, "Mom, you know, I don't think you should move in with us now that dad has passed." "Oh, have you forgotten about the CANISTER?!"
Ray: Devil, thy name is woman.
- After Debra throws out the canister:
Marie: (overjoyed) Frank, come look! Our sons are hugging!
- When Ray and Robert are hugging (to conceal the canister between them)
Frank: (from other room) You want me to get the hose?
- In "The Walk to the Door":
Ray: (to Debra) I regret not loving you more. Yes, you deserve all the love that can fit in the ocean.
Marie: I thought that was beautiful, Frank. Why can't you say something like that to me?
Frank: All right. (clears throat) I would love it if you were in the ocean.
- In "Let's Fix Robert", Ray goes to pick up a pizza, and we get this:
Ray: Hey, Mr. Fogagnolo. Is my pizza ready?
Marco: It's ready when I say it's ready.
Ray: (intimidated) ...That's a good policy.
- In "The Angry Family", when the class is reading their stories to the parents:
Teacher: And now we have Ian.
Frank: (annoyed) Oh crap...
Michael: "The Angry Family. The daddy was mad at the mommy. The mommy was mad at the daddy. The mommy and daddy were very mad at the grandpa. The grandma got mad at everybody."
- Michael reads his story:
Marie: I did not!
- In "No Roll", when Debra and Ray are playing Sensuopoly, one of the squares instructs Ray to tell something about himself that Debra doesn't know. Ray's response? "I'm back from war!" (lunges at Debra)
- In "Ray's Ring", Robert accidentally spun Ray's wedding ring into the vents in a hotel. At first, Ray tries to hide his ring-less finger to Debra, but eventually he comes clean and shows it to her.
Debra: Where's your wedding ring?
- In "The Breakup Tape", Ray wonders just what presents Debra's past boyfriends had given her over the years.
Ray: "Is there anything in here [the bedroom] I should know about?!"
Debra: "...The picture frame."
Ray: "....THAT'S AROUND A PICTURE OF OUR CHILDREN! (Beat) Waaaaaaaaaait..."
Debra: "They're our kids, Ray!"
- Another such present was a poem entitled "Debra's Eyes". When, the next morning, Ray takes it upon himself to get some "new, better things" (i.e. replacements for all of the gifts), he also takes his own stab at romantic poetry:
One on each side, like a dainty cup
So gently they hold thine sunglasses up.
So round and nice, with a subtle ridge
There's no bone in there, it's cartilage."
- Another such present was a poem entitled "Debra's Eyes". When, the next morning, Ray takes it upon himself to get some "new, better things" (i.e. replacements for all of the gifts), he also takes his own stab at romantic poetry:
- Many moments from "Older Women", the episode where Debra's divorced father arrives at Thanksgiving with his new girlfriend, who turns out to be a lot older than him. Most of them from Frank, including this line:
"Kill is going to Debra you!"
- "Jealous Robert", when Ray realizes that Debra set up Gianni with Amy to get Robert jealous:
Debra: Let me tell you something. The fact that Robert got jealous only means he still has feelings for her.
Ray: You DID do it. And the genius part of it all was leaking it to my mother. Because you knew, oh, you knew that telling her was just like whispering it into Robert's ear. Unbelievable. You believe that, Ma? She played you. She played you like a fiddle! What do you think of that, mom? (Marie has her back to Ray, cooking; Ray has a concerned tone to his voice because she's not responding) ...Mom?
(Marie casually turns around)
Marie: Your eggs are ready, Raymond.
Ray: Oh my God! You're in on it! This is sick! Who else is in on it? Amy and Gianni in on the whole thing, too?
Marie: All I needed was Debra.
Ray: (to Debra) So you've made me an accomplice. Your soul is as black as night.
- Then at the end of the scene, when Ray reluctantly agrees not to tell Robert:
- One of the show's classic moments, in "Marie's Sculpture", after Marie finally realizes a sculpture she made resembles a certain part of the female anatomy.
Marie: ...Oh my God, I'm a lesbian.
Janitor: If you ask me, it looks like a *whispers*Frank: ...Holy crap!
- And then there's Frank. Who takes even longer to figure it out despite staring at it all episode. It finally takes someone pointing it out for him.
Ray: Isn't it a bit too...ladylike?
- When Ray is trying to tell Debra what the sculpture looks like:
"'Robert'": Make it stop...
- Brad Garrett outshines the whole cast, however, with nothing more than a couple of facial reactions: first annoyance at Ray when he whispers what he sees in Robert's ear, then Robert's eyes nearly pop out of his skull when he looks at it again and sees the same thing.
- In "Snow Day", a slightly drunk Ray is trying to convince Debra that she should consider herself better than his family, pointing out all their annoying habits. When he gets to Robert, he lists off some of his quirks, eventually arriving at, "He separates his 'Good&Plenties' into 'Goods' and 'Plenties'!" He pushes a reluctant Robert to explain which is which...
Robert: ...The pinks are the "Goods"... and the whites are the "Plenties". Because there's always more of them. And they're not as good. [beat] And then there's a third category of "irregulars".Ray: [grinning] And they're called?Robert: ..."Cuties".
- Drunk!Raymond loudly calling Frank a "baboon's ass."
- Ray and Robert's cringe worthy dance moves take the cake. Debra and Amy aren't any better, but Frank and Marie are quite talented.
- In "Season's Greetings", as the family is sitting around and making fun of other families' Christmas letters:
Frank: (reading) "Is it Christmas already? With our trip to colonial Williamsburg, remodeling the living room, and Denny's successful run for city council, the months have just flown by!" City council of what city? Jackassville?
Robert: You can't keep that bottled up. You have to share it with us... (deep voice) when you fail.
- Also good is Ray revealing that he tried for an editing position at the newspaper and was rejected twice. The funny part is when Robert "consoles" him as only he can:
- From "The Kicker:"
Frank: Come on, Robert, tell it like you're not a gelding.
Frank: Luck is the residue of design!Ray: ...What?Frank: Shut up.
- Frank's Sophisticated as Hell moment:
Debra: Frank, that's a record for the school. You know it's not right to keep that, don't you?Robert: Don't bother, Deb. His soul was removed to make room for more stomach.
- Also this:
Robert: *runs in with the radio* They're talking about Dad!Caller: You wanna know what that guy is? I'll tell ya - he's a jackass!Debra: *gasps* They are talking about him!
- The whole radio scene.
Host: So, Dave on line one, what do you think?Caller: I think this Frank deserves to be kicked sixty-eight yards!Marie: Finally, a voice of reason!
- When Frank says he'll give the ball back for ten thousand dollars:
Marie: You can't print that! You don't attack your family in public!Ray: What are you talking about?! You took a swing at him at the mall last week!Marie: *dismissively* That's different, he was doing skits in the lingerie store.
- When Frank says on air that he is Ray's father, Ray screams in frustration and smashes the radio into Marie's cake.
- When the rest of the family is trying to get the ball back to Hofstra, Robert throws it across the street to Ray and accidentally throws it straight through a window. Ray stands there staring at it for a good twenty seconds with an "Are you freaking kidding me?" look on his face.
- This, solely for the image it puts in your head:
- In "Call Me Mom", this line: "Did your mom tell you not to call my mom "Mom"?"
Robert: She will be with you presently.
- Debra enters Frank and Marie's kitchen, and Marie is in another room. Debra asks if she can see her, and Frank says, "Let me get her for ya. MA-RIE!!!!!"
Debra: You know, I think it might be best for all concerned if we just go back to the way it was. No more "Mom" calling.
- When Lois doesn't want Debra to call Marie "mom", Lois says "Heaven forbid you don't get your way for once." Marie replies back, "May I just ask... what the hell is that supposed to mean?!"
- After the fight between Marie and Lois over whether Debra gets to call Marie "mom":
Lois: Maybe that's a good idea.
Marie: All right. It's fine with me, but if it's hard for some other people-
- From "Mother's Day", while Ray and Frank are arguing over who is right, Debra or Marie:
Frank: Well who the hell is Marie to come barging in demanding joy, while Debra's wrestling with the damn kids?Ray: She didn't have to be so rude!Frank: (Points at Marie) Rude is the only thing that gets through to her! How do you think I got the way I am? I USED TO BE A GENTLEMAN!!
- In "Robert Needs Money", when Robert and Ray are arguing over the thousand dollars Ray gifted him to pay for bills (Which Robert used to go to Las Vegas), Robert compares the money to the gift of a chair: "Here, Robert, I gave you this chair. Don't sit like this, sit like this!" It's the voice he uses.
Frank: You know... I once lost a friend over $50. And I'll tell ya. Sometimes, when I'm driving... I still think about that $50.
- Also, after Ray declares that if Robert uses the $1,000 he gave him on a trip to Vegas, they're no longer brothers, Frank speaks up. You think he's going to make a point that money shouldn't come between people, but he's just being cheap:
- In "The Sigh", Ray and Debra are in Debra's redecorated bathroom complaining about each other's annoying habits, right down to the way either one sneezes.
Ray: You don't sneeze! You try to stop it! You keep going, "Ah-hah-haaaah-NYIT! Ah-NYIT!"
Debra: So I should just go ahead and spray everything like you! You sneeze like it's a big Broadway musical finale! "Aaah-choo! Aaah-choo! Ah-CHOOOOOOOO! Good night, everybody! Enjoy my mucus!"
Debra: (covering) Hi, kids. Mom and Dad were just having a discussion about how sometimes we need our own space.
- In the same scene, Ray tries to take back the bathroom, but Debra refuses. They get in a scuffle and the shower head gets involved, soaking both of them. During their fight, the three kids come in.
Ray: Yeah, that's all. We were just... all right, you know what?
(Ray sprays the kids with the shower, and they bolt out of the bathroom. Ray and Debra share a laugh.)
- In "She's the One", Ray just witnesses Robert's new girlfriend do something very disturbing after dinner at their house and tells Robert and Debra in the kitchen:
"The fly that was flying around, Angela killed it, it fell on the table, she put it in a napkin, and then she AAATE IIIT!!"
"There's nothing humiliating about going out the window. If your mother's apartment had been one floor lower, we wouldn't be having this conversation."
- Even better, before that, when Angela ate the fly, Ray stared at her, horrified, for a full two minutes.
- In the same episode, Frank's thoughts on Robert escaping Angela's apartment by climbing out the window.
- When Debra tries to build Robert up by listing his positive qualities, Robert coldly replies with, "Blahblahblahblahblahblahblah..." and flapping his lips in a derisive manner. Debra gives up trying to be nice: "Good luck with the frog lady."
- In "Marie's Vision", when Marie is faced with evidence even she can't deny that her eyesight is failing, she sadly walks out of the room. Cut to Ray, Debra and Robert looking concerned and sympathetic. Then cut to Frank.
Frank: [HUGE evil grin] "Let's hide."
Debra: Robert, did you have those anti-wrinkle injections put in your face?Robert: Terhats ("perhaps").Ray: "Turd hats"??
- Another great bit from "Marie's Vision": Robert talking funny because he put injections in his face to decrease wrinkles:
Debra: So you really think my eyes look okay this way? Without all that stuff on them?
- At the end of the episode, Debra's still feeling insecure about her make-up-less eyes:
Ray: All right, let me tell you something. I have always thought your eyes were beautiful.
Debra: That's very sweet. But I want you to answer the question again, and bear in mind that I am way too tired to have sex tonight.
Ray: What does that got to do with anything? I love your eyes.
Debra: No, I mean it, Ray. It's really not gonna happen tonight.
Ray: All right. What do you want me to say? Give me a break. This is ridiculous. Your eyes were the first thing I noticed when I met you, so why would I want anything different?
Debra: Are you trying to have sex with me?
Ray: I am.
Debra: Good night, Ray.
Ray: You know what? I wish I could say that I don't like your eyes, but sex or no sex, your eyes are beautiful. So sweet dreams.
Debra: Still tryin'?
Ray: Yeah. (annoyed) Come on!
- In "Grandpa Steals", Marie and Robert painting Frank more like a dog than a human being.
Marie: But the truth is, this all could've been avoided if Raymond had handled him better in the supermarket.
Ray: What?! He was an animal!
Marie: Yes. And you let him off his leash. If you take a dog to a supermarket, and he has an accident in the frozen food aisle, is it the dog's fault?
Ray: ...Did Dad ever do that?
Marie: I'm saying, you know how your father is. And there are ways to prevent this kind of scene. First of all, I try to be with him if he's ever going to be anywhere there might be people.
Debra: But Ray was with him. What was he supposed to do?
Marie: Before you even got to the snack section, you should've had a Hershey bar or a Zagnut here in your pocket.
Robert: That's true. He responds to treats.
- In "The Disciplinarian," after Robert tells Frank and Marie that Ray used to sneak out of the house at night and the two laugh and reminisce about it, Ray casually says, "Oh, by the way, Robert did it too." Robert freaks out and screams "HE'S LYYYYYYYIIING!"
Marie: You drank?Frank: You popped out the back panel?!
- The part where Ray talks about how Robert stole some peppermint schnapps from Frank's padlocked liquor cabinet by moving it away from the wall and popping out the back panel. Frank and Marie's priorities differ a little:
- In "The Plan", Ray convinces Robert to fake incompetence when creating the wedding invitations so that Amy will do it herself and he won't have to do any more work. This backfires when Robert makes the mistakes too obvious, and when Debra finds out, she accuses Ray of doing the same with her throughout their entire married lives.
Debra: I have had it, Ray. The jig is up. (walks upstairs)
Ray: What jig? Come on. Me not being able to do that stuff, that's not fake. There's no jig! I don't have a jig!
- Robert's purposefully botched wedding invitations are pretty epic: "Hank 'n' Pat MacDougall request the honor of your presents, on the 6th*, attire optional." (* The wedding was supposed to take place on the 9th)
- In "Sleepover at Peggy's" when Ray says that Peggy tapped his butt:
Gianni: The cookie lady fondled you?
- The start of "Who's Next?" has a great Mood Whiplash:
Marie: Guess who died?
(everyone else murmurs "Awww" and other noises of sympathy)
- In "The Shower", during Debra's meeting to get her driver's license back:
Frank: (turns to Ray) She shoulda lawyer'd up.
Ray: ...You didn't brush your teeth today, did you, dad?
Robert: Hey, Ray. Hey, Debra. (beat) Debra? Oh my God, she finally killed Ma.
- The earlier scene where Robert comes across Debra in jail for drunk driving.
- "Robert's Wedding":
- Robert, to Ray: "Do not mess with me today, Raymond. DO NOT MESS WITH ME!! This is my wedding day, and I am in no mood for fun!" Ray replies after he leaves, "Then you're gonna love marriage."
- Peter purposefully doesn't pick up the pastor for the wedding, causing a last-minute freak-out for Robert. Luckily the pastor makes it on time, but is in the wrong frame of mind for a wedding: "Someone was supposed to pick me up; I had to hitchhike. Let's get this over-with."
- While Robert and Marie are arguing during the wedding ceremony, Ray realizes they're gonna be a while and sits down. Ray is soon joined by the pastor.
- Marie is critical of the food at the reception, but lies to Pat: "Oh Pat, what a wonderful spread!"
- Frank is upset that he has to pay for beer at the wedding instead of it being free, and demands "Beer now, beer now!" Hank agrees to pay for it, and tries to make amends. Frank replies, "Well, I think you are a nice fella, Hank. But I gotta tell ya, you're not gonna find much good in people when they drive all the way to Pennsylvania for a big, long wedding and you screw them on the booze."
Frank: "Well"? That's all ya got? "Well"?
Hank: Yes, because "well" is what one says when one is shocked, but not particularly surprised, by someone's boorish behavior. Well.
Frank: That is so frickin' sad!
Hank: Oh yes, Frank, that's sad? Well, I want my money back. Now who's sad? Oh, Mr. Bartender, don't give this man any alcohol. He seems to have had more than enough over the course of his life.
Frank: I'm a veteran!
Hank: A veteran of the Bad Manners Army.
Frank: Take a hike, boy scout!
Ray: Hey hey hey, hold it! Back it up, calm it down, and look at all the people at the wedding.
Frank: This phony holy man and his liquor gouging have ruined an otherwise happy occasion!
- In "Fun With Debra", when Ray is about to go golfing:
Debra: You put those golf clubs down, spend some time with your kids, and create some damn memories!!!
- In "Thank You Notes," after explaining that Amy and Debra should not challenge Marie because the family should just be nice to each other, he gives one last reason not to cross her:
Ray: Besides, before even giving up a drop of power, she will truly kill us all.
Ray: *telling Frank all about what's happening* What are we gonna do?!Marie: *comes out from the laundry room* I don't know yet.Ray: *screams and jumps out of his chair* Ma! How much did you hear?Marie: I heard enough.Ray: *to Frank* Did you know she was back there?Frank: Yes.Ray: Then what'd you let me go on for?!Frank: I want my shrapnel back.
- From the same episode, Ray running across the street to warn Marie and Frank about what Debra and Amy are planning, and when he gets in the house he glances down and realizes he's still in his boxers.
- This whole scene:
- Pretty much everything Robert says or does in this episode.
- In "Peter on the Couch", Pat McDougall, on she and Hank kicking Peter out and turning his room into a prayer and Bible study room:
"I'm sorry Peter, but we gave your room to Jesus."
Hank: (coming from downstairs) Pat, you wouldn't believe some of the filth he has down there. Have you ever heard of a thing called "Mad Magazine"?
- Also funny:
- Also at the end of the episode, Ray is playing Peter's harmonica. Debra casually asks, "Did you wash that off?" prompting Ray to literally lie down on the countertop sucking on the sink.
- In "Who's Side Are You On?", Ray and Debra have an argument at his parents' home about Debra cracking jokes with the kids about Ray's behavior.
Ray: "She bet the kids that I would do stupid stuff!"
Robert: "Are the betting windows still open?"
Marie: So men are allowed to do whatever they want, and the women just have to put up with it. This is the problem with America!
- This bit:
Frank: You're right, you should leave America!
Frank: Listen to me, Ray, your brother's a candy-pants. But guys like us, we've got to be strong. Because the truth is, your mother was gonna complain no matter what I did. So I figured, "To HELL with it. I'm gonna do what I want!" Right? Right! 'Cause the more the wife yammers, the more you can't listen. I've been through years of, "Why can't you be a better person?!" Look at me! (eating a cake with his bare hands) Am I a better person?
- Frank's advice to Ray is gold:
- "Security" has several:
"Robbie, you should always trust that little voice in your head. Is your little voice saying, [sweetly] 'Retire!'? Or is it saying, [crazy nagging voice] 'Don't retire!'? Listen carefully."
- Robert is trying to decide whether to retire from the police force and become a burglar alarm salesman, and Marie and Amy get into an argument on what he should choose. Marie leaves with a parting shot of incredible subtlety:
- Frank: One time my little voice told me not to do something. But I did it anyway. Now I'm stuck with a great big voice!
Ray: We don't have any liquor—Debra: Top cabinet, behind the cream of wheat.
- Immediately after this, a disgruntled Amy asks the Barones where they keep their "after-Marie liquor".
- In "The Mentor", after Frank takes a giant chunk of ham with him to eat lunch at the lodge:
Marie: You know, why did I worry? Who else would sleep with him?
Frank: I hadn't seen him in thirty years. If you people go away for thirty years, I'll hug you too!
- When the others point out that Frank hugged Sammy, but never his own family:
Frank: Hey, you should see Sam's place. You know how many different kinds of envelopes he's got there?
- Frank comes back from Sam's store:
Frank: (annoyed) 32. Don't be a wise ass.
- From "Crazy Chin:"
Marie: I want you to take a look at this. *pulls back curtain to show a despondent Robert on the living room couch*Ray: So? Hose him off, we'll roll him back in the ocean.
- In "Slave," Ray and Debra accidentally leave the twins at home after they each go to the store without telling the other. They, along with Marie, panic, especially when they discover Michael and Jeffery eating pancakes (implying that they used the stove; it turns out Ally made them). Frank, though, has his priorities straight: "I smell pancakes. Where are the pancakes?" He caps the scene off by devouring a few of the flapjacks, then announcing, "Delicious! I'm done. Bye. Come on, Marie, make me lunch."
- This scene from "Not So Fast".
- Marie thinks Robert's work-out equipment is a "sex machine".
- Robert's Rage Against the Heavens.
- In "Ally's F", Amy's idea of a "rebellious teenager phase":
"One time, in church choir, we were singing 'What a Friend We Have in Jesus', but my friend and I sang 'what a friend we have in Cheese-Its.'"
- In "A Job For Robert", Marie purposefully walking with a limp to get sympathy from everyone so they'll do what she wants.
- In "The Faux Pas", when Marie and Frank come in and meet the twins' friend's dad:
Debra: This is Chris' dad George.
Frank: The janitor?? Marie, you said he was black!
Marie: No I didn't!
Frank: What are you talking about?!
Marie: No, I said he was African-American!
(everyone gasps again)
Frank: Okay. What are you arguing for?
Marie: It's just, well well, l you know, I think it's wonderful that anyone can be a janitor now.
George: It's okay, I really have to go.
Debra: I want to assure you that Marie does not speak for all of us.
Frank: No, she just speaks more than all of us.
Marie: Who are you to talk?! You came in saying "black"!
Ray: (appalled) Oh my GOD!
Amy: Chris and his dad are outside and he asked me to get his keys for him. It seemed like he doesn't want to come back inside.Robert: I don't blame him. It was kind of a nightmare.
- The final scene in the episode.
- Even the most ardent haters of this episode have to admit that the slooooow reveal of Marie behind the door, and the cold stare that Marie gives Amy as the episode ends is just amazing.
- In "Sister-in-Law":
Robert: I know what this is: I got something good, and you can't stand it. Oh, you never could. Remember when I made that diorama in Mr. Carolan's history class? Everybody said how great it was, everybody! I won a prize! But you said it stunk!Ray: You had George Washington fighting a dinosaur.Robert: (shouting) IT WAS A DRAGON, RAYMOND, THAT REPRESENTED YEARS OF BRITISH TYRANNY! Which just goes to show how stupid you were then, and now.Ray: Robert, I didn't-Robert: Everybody thinks my wife is great, EVERYBODY!!!
Robert: (to Amy) Did you tell them about my pedicures?Amy: No, Robert. (Ray walks into the living room)Ray: (from other room) Robert paints his feet like a lady!Frank: (also from other room) Holy crap!
- At the end of the episode, Robert demands to know what Ray and Amy were talking about in the kitchen:
- In "The Power of No", Ray strolling into the bedroom in satin underpants, trying to seduce Debra.
- Another funny bit that's not often brought up: At the start of this scene, when Debra enters the bedroom in her skimpy lingerie, she seductively says, "Okay, well goodn-" and turns around, only to realize Ray's not even in the room.
- And in the series finale, Ray imagines Debra's thoughts if he had passed away while in the operating room.
Ray: "Oh, well, now I'm a widow! I guess I have to raise three kids on my own. On the other hand, I guess I could start dating again. I need a new pair of shoes. Hey, you know who's cute? Gianni!"
Marie: (appalled) Debra!
Marie: Oh, my sweet Raymond!Ray: Would somebody please tell me why my worst nightmare is coming true?!?!?!
- In the same episode, Marie hugging and kissing Ray (on his bed, mind you) after she found out Ray almost died on the operating table.
Debra: [resigned] I knew one day this would happen.
- Also, she does this just as Ray and Debra were getting ready to, *ahem*, make use of the bed...