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- No doubt the funniest scene in the pilot, and a scene which was referenced many times later in the series:
Marie: Your birthday gift to me finally came this morning. Did you know you sent me a box of pears? From a place called Fruit-of-the-Month?
Ray: That's right. How are they?
Marie: Oh, they're very nice pears. But there are so many of them. There are over a dozen pears. What am I supposed to do with all those pears?
Ray: I think you're supposed to eat them.
Ray: You and Dad and Robert.
Marie: How many pears can Robert eat? I appreciate the thought, but please, don't ever send us any more fruit again. Thanks.
Ray: Well, another box is coming next month.
Marie: What? More pears?
Ray: No. It's a different fruit every month.
Marie: Every month?
Ray: Yes. That's why they call it Fruit-of-the-Month Club.
Marie: It's a club? Oh, my God! What do I do with all this fruit?
Ray: Most people like it, Ma! You share it with all your friends.
Marie: Which friends?
Ray: I don't know. Lee and Stan.
Marie: Lee and Stan buy their own fruit!
Ray: Give it to-
Marie: Why did you do this to me?
Ray: OH. MY. GOD!
Marie: (distraught) I can't talk. There's too much fruit in the house!
- In "Captain Nemo", Dave, Kevin and Andy interrupting Ray's shower and imitating him.
Kevin: (as Ray) Oh noooo, who's in my SHOW-weeeerrr! In my baaaafroom!
Ally: Mommy, that man's smoking!
- A scene earlier, Dave trying to light up at the kitchen table.
- In "Diamonds", Debra's frantically searching for her lost wedding ring:
Amy: Well, you know what they say: It'll be the last place you look.
Debra: (annoyed) Of course it'll be the last place I look, because once I find it, I won't have to look for it anymore! (calms down) ...I'm sorry, I'm just a little...
Debra: Yeah. that.
- In "Neighbors", Ray tells the priest at the confessional about his problems with his parents and how he's finding it difficult to honor them. In the course of their talk, the priest goes into an anecdote about a former member of the church council who he had difficulty working with ("I used to fantasize about him converting to Judaism..."). Then he offhandedly mentions the man's name was Frank...
Ray: Wait, Frank Barone?
Priest: You know Frank Barone?
Ray: He's my father!
Priest: Your parents are Frank and Marie Barone?!
Priest: [deadpan] ...You're absolved.
- "The Game": This line from Frank, when they're going to play "Scruples":
Frank: I don't like games. Follow the rules, pay attention, wait your turn... it's just like work, dressed up like play.
Frank: I've got Scruples, Marie. I've got scruples the size of basketballs!
- Another line from Frank in the same episode:
- In "Ray's on TV", after Ray's disastrous second appearance on a sports show:
Frank: I could've eaten a box of Alpha Bits and crapped a better interview.
- In "Father Knows Least", Ray pretends to be a little kid so Debra can practice her active listening technique, but Ray is overly difficult ("You're a member of this family, and we help each other." "Yeah well, tough noogies.")
Debra: Time out. Time out. Are you being Ray the little kid, or Ray the big ass?Ray: I'd like to be both.
- In "The Children's Book", the scene when Debra gets frustrated with her writer's block.
Debra: I would want to run away, too if I was stuck in a piece of CRAP like- (kicks the book)
Debra: I don't know how you do it. Every day, writing? It's hell.
- Then Ray rubs it in:
Ray: Well......... yeah. I try not to bring it home. Guess you've gotten a little peek there. I mean, it's not all hanging out at the games with the guys and the hot dogs and the make-your-own sundaes.
Debra: Well, I suck. Good night.
- In "Six Feet Under", Ray makes a list of things to do now that he's accomplished his life goal:
Debra: "Peking duck, goat cheese pizza." What is this?
Ray: I told you, it's goals and stuff.
Debra: These are your goals? These are restaurant specials.
Ray: I've never had the Peking duck.
Debra: So your goal is just to eat things you've never eaten before.
Ray: Not entirely.
Debra: "Enlarged prostate"?
Ray: See? That's something that I want to avoid. Not something I wish to eat.
Ray: Bed-and-breakfast? What do you mean, like, strangers coming in and out of our house all the time?
- Debra reveals that when she reaches retirement age, she wants to open a bed-and-breakfast, which confuses Ray.
Debra: Yes, Ray, strangers. I'd like to try strangers for a change.
Ray: I don't know. This is all happening too fast.
Debra: We don't have to do it today, Ray. I'm just trying to get you thinking.
Ray: I'm thinking I'd better come up with something before I end up with your bed-and-breakfast, tucking in a gay couple from Cleveland.
Frank: Don't worry so much. You die, you did what you did.
- Frank is no help when Ray says he has a mid-life crisis:
Marie: Stop saying "die". It's obvious Raymond's afraid of dying.
Frank: What am I supposed to tell him? That it's not going to happen? It's gonna happen! (to Ray) YOU'RE GONNA DIE.
Ray: Thank you, Dad.
Debra: My skin isn't as soft and smooth as it used to be. Have you noticed?
- When Debra makes a point about mid-life crises by pointing out that she rubs hand cream on every night:
Ray: I didn't want to say anything-
Debra: Shut up, Ray.
Frank: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. My wife thinks I'm in the bathroom.
- Frank singing "I Left My Heart in San Francisco".
- In "Good Girls", after Ray, Debra, and Robert find out that Marie wasn't such a "good girl".
Marie: Frank and I... succumbed to temptation once. Just once before we were married! I-I was weak... and I fell for your father's boyish good looks... that was a long time ago. I knew we shouldn't have done what we did! But we were in love. Right, Frank?
Frank: I wanted sex.
Debra: So it was just the once and then you got married?
- And the scene continues to deliver:
Frank: It was just the once and then we HAD to get married.
Marie: FRANK, NO!
Ray: Woah, woah, had to get married? Wait a minute, so Robert's...
Robert: What? [beat] ...Oh.
- From "Traffic School", when Debra finds out about Ray's traffic ticket:
Frank: If I have to stay, so does Ray. He's got that traffic ticket he doesn't want to tell Debra about.
Debra: What ticket?
Ray: Oh, what is happening?!
Frank: It had something to do with a halter top. Halted you pretty good!
Ray: Dad! (to Debra) You know how these things happen. You see somebody and you think they're naked. Then you look and they're just wearing a beige top. The next thing you know, you've run over a couple of cones.
Robert: Reckless driving.
Debra: So you just ride around looking for naked?
Ray: Well, if it won't come to me...
Debra: Come on, Ray, this was YOUR idea [to have Robert's session be more fun].
- We have Robert's presentation with the dummy, "Timmy".
Ray: ...Did anybody hear me say "puppet?
Frank: I'm getting tired of Timmy's mouth.
- "Timmy" asks Marie to give the instructions on how to properly back out. After doing so:
Marie: That's it!
"Timmy": Ohhh, that's it. (Turns to Robert) She thinks that's it.
Robert: Isn't that everything, Timmy?
"Timmy": Oh, sure, that's everything. But how about making sure your first-born child is in the car before pulling out of a gas station in NEW MEXICO?!Ray: ...That's awfully specific.
- Followed immediately by:
Marie: Robbie, that was 30 years ago!
"Timmy": Oh, yeah. Great family road trip, going to see the Grand Canyon. Frank stops to get some gas and you all drive off while Robert's still in the men's room?
Frank: How would you know? You weren't there!
Ray: We got a real battle of wits going on here.
- This bit:
"Timmy": Sit down, shiny.
Frank: You want to start with me?
Ray: Dad. Puppet.
"Timmy": You're all right, cookie. Ha-cha-cha!!!
- Despite repeatedly insulting Frank and Marie, Timmy doesn't have a problem with Debra:
- Raymond comes to comfort Robert and tell him it's not so great being smothered.
Ray: Remember when Mom used to follow me to school?
Robert: Oh, yeah. She used to hide from tree to tree.
Ray: Wait... so... THAT'S THE CRAZY TREE LADY FROM THE DREAM! I just had one four nights ago! So... the jumping canoe guy is...
- Robert sees Timmy missing his head.
Frank: Not so funny without his head, is he?!Robert: What'd you do, Dad? I need that!(Marie opens freezer, sees Timmy's head, screams)Frank: (Evil Laugh)
- In "Brother", this exchange between Ray, Robert, and Marie.
Marie: Go ahead, keep laughing. One of these days, you'll turn around, and I won't be here.Ray spins aroundRay: Not today!Robert: HA!
- In "The Ride-Along", after Robert has stopped a would-be robber (see Crowning Moment of Awesome), his partner Judy goes to check outside for any accomplices.
Judy: No getaway car. [to the criminal] Got no friends?
Marie: He's like an animal, marking his territory! [Frank pokes her with the fork] Ow!
- Frank is poking his used fork into food after Marie tells him that no one else can eat it if he does that.
Frank: What? That's a compliment!
Ray: God, I wish this was the wrong house.
- In "Golf", when Marie describes Ray's "anxiety attack":
Marie: Our son has mental problems!
- In "All I Want For Christmas", Debra keeps giving Ray signals that she wants to have sex with him later, which makes Ray all hot and bothered. In one scene, Debra gets up close to fix Ray's button, when all of a sudden Marie sneaks up behind Ray and quietly says, "I need you, Raymond." Of course, she didn't mean it in a sexual context, but it made Ray all flustered for obvious reasons.
- In "Anniversary", when Marie and Frank talk about the time they almost got divorced, Marie begins the story by mentioning that she and Frank were a lot like Ray and Debra back then. We are then treated to a flashback, in which the younger Frank and Marie are played by Ray Romano in a bald wig and Patricia Heaton in a blonde wig and heavy makeup, respectively.
- The separation was instigated by Frank asking for salt for his meal, Marie taking offense that her cooking would need salt, and leading to a shouting match that ends with Frank leaving the house (defiantly taking a salt-shaker with him). Six-year-old Ray and ten-year-old Robert barely look up from their TV program.
- Later, when Frank comes back after Ray broke his arm, he and Marie make up, and she makes him a sandwich...and offers him salt. Frank declines, and Marie starts aggressively dumping salt all over the sandwich until he slaps his hands over it as a shield.
- "The Family Bed": Robert fondly recalls when Marie used to give him a glass of "sugar water" when he'd had trouble sleeping, and how it had always helped right away.
Frank: That was booze.
- "Driving Frank": After taking away Frank's car keys because they feel he's an unsafe driver, Ray realizes that he and Debra have to be the "parents" with Frank now that he's getting older.
Ray: I'll tell ya one thing: You're giving him the sex talk.
- In "Halloween Candy", Ray and the guys are at Nemo's Pizza, wanting to know what Angelina the waitress is wearing for Halloween. Andy's response to Angelina's costume:
Andy: Please whack me with your ruler, Sister Mary Wowie-wow-wow-WOW.
Frank: Frankenstein no suck.
- When Frank (who's dressed as Frankenstein's monster) runs out of candy, the trick-or-treaters start chanting "Frankenstein sucks!"
- One of the funniest moments in the series is in "Moving Out", when Ray comes home from work and begins to talk about his exhausting day. Marie comes up behind him and silently gives him a back rub. Ray thinks it's Debra and turns to kiss her, but is horrified when he sees it's Marie and falls off his chair to the floor. The timing on his reaction is just perfect.
Ray: What are you doing?!?!Marie: Trying to help you relax!Ray: EEEGGGGGGHHHH!!!
- "Oh God, now the dreams are gonna start again."
- In "The Toaster", Ray finds his parents returned his Christmas gift, a toaster engraved with a message from his whole family, without opening it. After telling them what it said, Frank, who's not yet fully awake, replies, "It spoke?"
Ray: You know what? Any time I've ever given you a present, it's never been any good.
- Ray says he can never please Marie and Frank with his Christmas presents:
Marie: That's not true.
Ray: No?? The microwave.
Marie: Well, that. We didn't need a microwave.
Frank: And they're dangerous! What if I wanted to have more children?
Ray: If God hasn't stopped you, the government will. What about the Fruit-of-the-Month Club?
Marie: Oh that was insane! A year of fruit?! You know they still send me flyers wanting me to rejoin? (disgusted) And pictures of apricots!
Frank: Can't you ever just be quiet?!Marie: Don't you tell me to be quiet! I have a mind of my own you know! I can contribute! I'm not just some... trophy wife![beat, Frank looks at Marie incredulously]Frank: You're a trophy wife? ...What contest in Hell did I win?
- In the same episode:
- Shortly after that, the toaster in question is brought in by a woman whose son had bought it for her after Frank and Marie had returned it. Marie eagerly asks if she's planning to exchange it, to which the woman bluntly replies "Of course not, I got it from my son. What sort of mother would I be?"
- The Cold Open to "Ping Pong", which has no relation to the rest of the episode but is hilarious. Michael and Jeffrey throw Ray's golf clubs down the stairs, so Ray sits the duo down on the couch for a long talk:
Ray: Do you know that that's Daddy's golf bag?
Twins: (smiling) Yeah.
Ray: Yeah, you do. Well, do you know what titanium is?
Ray: You know how hard Daddy works?
Twins: (still smiling) Yeah.
Ray: Don't you know golf is all Daddy has?
Ray: Yeah, smile. It's gonna be funny when we send you a postcard from Disneyland, isn't it?
- In "Robert's Date", Robert tries to become "hip".
Frank: Nice suit— where's Gladys and the other two Pips?
Robert: All right, Dad!
Frank: No, it's not all right! I'm talkin' to you on the phone the other day; I can't even understand what the hell you're saying anymore! What did you call me "dog" for?!
Robert: That's a nice thing, Dad! You say it to your friends! That means I like you!
Frank: Oh yeah? Well, from now on, I'm callin' you "Jackass"! That means he's great!
Ray: (enters) Hey.
Frank: Hey, "Ugly"!
Ray: W-what's that all about?
Frank: That's "Robert-Talk". That means you're good looking! (looks at Marie) Hey, good looking!
Robert: That is so whack!
- From the same episode, when Judy and her friends begin to get uncomfortable with Robert hanging around them because he's acting too "ethnic" (hint - Judy is black), she volunteers Ray to explain the situation to him. His response to Robert's dismay is pure gold.
Ray: Right there, see? That's what I'm talking about. We're Italian, Robert. "Whack" means something else to us.
Ray: What are you doing?
- This bit:
Robert: Ah, nothing, just here to help out Ally with her report on Harriet Tubman. (guilt-tripping) You know, it's Black History Month.
Ray: Thank you... Superfly.
Ray: Nothing, it's just, uh, I never seen you so... stylin'.
Robert: Just some new clothes, that's all. Gotta get out more, mah brutha.
- "Frank's Tribute": The awful editing job on Frank's "tribute" video (in actuality, they asked his old friends what they think about chocolate because nobody has anything nice to say about Frank), and Frank pointing it out afterwards:
Frank: And what's with Correlli saying he likes me hot with marshmallows??
Ray: I told you to get rid of that!
Robert: It was cute!
Announcer: Did somebody say "sandwiches"?
- After a fight with Marie, Frank falls asleep in front of the TV. A commercial wakes him up:
Frank: (talking in his sleep) Yes! (wakes up)
- Pretty much the entirety of "Ray Home Alone"'s third act, especially the scene where Ray and Robert hide in the closet, waiting to scare Frank. But they hesitate when it seems an upset Marie has entered the room as well, and Frank starts comforting her... Then Frank says, "Hey, you know what we haven't done in a while?" Ray and Robert bolt out of the closet in horror when Frank says, "Ohhhhhh yeeeaaaahhhhh...." But it turns out Frank was just talking to himself, as he knew they were in the closet the whole time.
Frank: Got 'em again, Marie!Ray: YOU'RE A SICK MAN!!Robert: WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU!?!Ray: I'll tell you, I'll tell you what's wrong with him!! He's a SICK MAN!!
- Also funny: When Marie finds out, she asks Ray and Robert if Frank scared them, and Robert replies, "Uh-huh..." in the tone of a little kid.
- In "The Getaway", when Ray and Debra check into the bed-and-breakfast inn, they're informed that there's no TV in the room, and no bathroom either.
Ray: Can I ask you something? What is in the room?
- In "Pants on Fire":
Marie: Did you smoke?Ray: ...Smoke WHAT?Marie: OH MY GOD!!!
- In "The Apartment", Ray is stoked about the outdoor jacuzzi: "Jacuzzi! Jacuzzi, jacuzzi, bubbles in my hiney!"
- In "No Fat", Marie is told she's close to the danger zone of having a heart attack, so she strives to eat healthy. She starts by makes tofu turkey for Thanksgiving, but nobody likes it. Ray has some actual turkey delivered to the house, which offends Marie. Debra takes it away from him. Later that night, Marie sneaks over to Ray and Debra's house and is caught eating the real turkey that Debra was going to give away. When Debra asks, "What about your diet?", we get this great exchange:
Marie: What's the point of living longer if you're miserable, dear?
Debra: I think that every day...
- In "How They Met", Ray doesn't catch Debra's signals:
Debra: It looks like I've made too much food here, if you're hungry.
Ray: Oh, yeah?
Debra: Yeah, you want some?
Ray: All right, yeah. Wrap it up; I'll eat it in the truck.
Debra: You talking about it made me really hungry for it!
- Earlier, Ray is trying to ask Debra out. Debra, who's been clued in to this by Gianni, tries to throw him a bone by suggesting that she'll be going for lunch the next day to the Chinese place they'd been talking about earlier.
Ray: Oh, yeah? [beat] ...Actually, I just had Chinese today.
Gianni: [weary] H'oh my god.Marie: Lovely meeting you!
Marie: [instantly] She's not the girl for you, Raymond.
- A Deleted Scene from the DVD has Ray and Deb in the bathroom; Ray is contemplating shaving the area between his eyebrows.
Ray: Are you supposed to shave here?
Debra: You... can if you want to.
Ray: Well, what do you do?
Debra: Sorry, I don't have that problem. I evolved. (Walks out)
Ray: ... into a meaner person.
- Pretty much the entire last act of "Sex Talk", especially these moments:
Marie: It's obvious I'm a woman, and I have needs like any other woman. And if I'm still fortunate enough to enjoy the pleasures of sex, well then I'm going to!
- When Marie finally admits that she enjoys sex. Robert happens to walk in at that moment, and is weirded out. He then slowly walks out of the room as Marie keeps discussing it:
Robert: (from other room, annoyed) Oh God...
- When Ray asks how Frank and Marie can have sex twice a week at their age, Frank responds, "Hey, I don't work anymore; what else do I gotta do?" Marie adds: "And you're forgetting the most important thing about the sex!" Debra worriedly remarks, "Oh God...", thinking Too Much Information is about to be shared.
- Ray and Debra are talking about how Debra's sister has become a nun, so Ray takes off his shirt, places it over his head like a nun veil, and starts singing "Dominique" in a goofy manner. Debra's sister comes in as he's doing this, and Ray is immediately self-conscious, proceeding to cover his nipples with his fingers.
- When Debra's sister leaves the dinner table in a huff, Robert and Frank immediately stand up and make the "sign of the cross" gesture.
- In the same vein as "Brother", this bit in "Cousin Gerard":
Marie: I think you could do this one thing for me, while I'm still here...Ray: You mean, "in the kitchen"? (Marie looks offended)
Gerard: Right nyow.
- Gerard patronizes Ally by doing the "got your nose" trick. Ally is not impressed and stares at Gerard for a second before asking Debra, "Mom, may I be excused?"
- The whole scene where Ray "works on" Gerard to make him less like Ray, but especially the bit where Ray tries to teach Gerard how to say "now" without an accent:
Ray: All right, what does a cat say?
Gerard: ...You mean a talking cat??
- In "Debra's Workouts" when Ray says he had sex three times this week:
Gianni: I think you're confusing sex with showering.
Debra: What, so you're getting all paranoid because we had a little extra sex last week?
- When Ray confronts Debra about being turned on after her workouts where a hunky guy is the exercise leader:
Ray: Three times! Three times, right? You don't think that's out of the ordinary? I'm surprised it wasn't on the news.
Debra: So you think I'm cheating on you with you? (gives a confused look)
Ray: Put it however you want. You know what you're doing.
Debra: You what? I'm tired. Could you just call yourself an idiot?
- "Robert's Rodeo" starts off on a serious note: Robert is injured on the job and is hospitalized. Then of course we find out the nature of the injury was that he was gored by a bull in the ass.
Marie: Did you get away?Robert: (just stares at Marie for about a minute). Where are we, ma?
- "Upper thigh."
- Robert tells them the story from his hospital bed. The story is hilarious in and of itself but special mention to Marie's interruption when Robert gets to the part where the Bull chases him.
Frank: Why didn't you run?
- Frank almost immediately follows up with this:
- "The Prodigal Son": Father Hubley in general. When Frank announces to Hubley that Ray's coming back to the church, Hubley skeptically asks, "...Really?" And when Hubley's about to go back into the church, he flashes Ray a quick, fake smile in-between his trademark frown.
- "The Tenth Anniversary": Ray forgets to write new wedding vows, and apologizes to a disappointed Debra in front of everyone. Things look grim until Ray mentions how much hard work he put into the renewal ceremony, including trying to get lilies of the valley (Debra's favorite flower). Debra immediately warms up, saying "You remembered my flower." Ray, still upset, says "I ordered 'em, but the DAMN FLORIST, he didn't bring it!" When Father Hubley notices Debra's big smile, he anxiously tells Ray, "Kiss the bride. Kiss her! Kiss her now!" Ray obliges.
- In "Hackidu", Marie displays her uncanny knowledge of a children's card game.
Marie: What card did she have?
Ray: I don't know... Scrami-something-or-other...
Marie: A Scramisaur?
Debra: You know about this stuff?
Marie: A little. Scramisaur is the fastest creature on Hackidu Mountain. He starts off as a Slugglewog, very slow, and he can only evolve into Scramisaur if he gets the Sonic Crystal. That's why Scramisaurs are so rare and valuable.
[beat, everyone stares]
Marie: I'm Grandma. I have this, and candy.
Robert: (laughs) Look how fat she is.
- When Ray brings back some comics for Ally, Robert peruses what he bought and finds Little Lotta:
- In the aptly-titled episode "Debra Makes Something Good", Frank "cheating" on Marie with Debranote , even coming to the house with flowers for her.
Frank: Anyone who can make braciole like this deserves a whole hillside full of heavenly-scented marigolds and daffodils.
- From "What's With Robert?", Frank had a Gay Moment in the war.
"Our coats were insufficient. It was huddle or die!"
- In "Left Back," Ray can't sleep because he's having a confidence crisis, so he wakes up Debra for reassurance:
Ray: Am I stupid?
Debra: (deadpan) If this is your new way of asking for sex, then yes.
- "Marie and Frank's New Friends": Seth, the Stipes' son, meets Ray and says he has a similar writing style to Ray:
Seth: Well, mostly in internet chat rooms, and I call in to all the sports radio shows. You probably heard me: "Seth from Massapequa."
- When Ray gives Seth his opinion on sportswriting, Harry Stipe tells Seth, "Now thats a pro, son. That's why you're still on that internet!"
- The Running Gag of the Stipes ignoring Robert, even when Robert tells of his upper thigh injury. Then when Harry asks him to take a group picture, he calls him "Rodney". Robert retaliates by framing the picture so that Ray's head is out of frame.
- The ending of the episode, where a visibly uncomfortable Ray dances with old ladies at the VFW.
- In "Someone's Cranky", this bit when Robert decides to finish his injury recovery in his own apartment because Frank and Marie are driving him insane:
Robert: I'll be back for my personal effects tomorrow.
Frank: Take your time!
Robert: I'M OUTTA HERE!!! (leaves, but quickly comes back in) You gotta move your car, it's blocking me.
Frank: MY PLEASURE! Marie, move the car.
Marie: I don't have your keys.
Frank: I don't have them. You're always hiding them.
Marie: Nobody hides your keys, Frank. If you just put them on the hook where they belong!
Frank: Don't tell me to put them on the hook. I hate putting them on the hook!
Marie: Are your pants upstairs?
Frank: I don't leave my keys in my pants. How about the time you left them in the front door, senile?
Marie: How about the time you had them in your hands. ("dumb" voice) "Where are my keys? Where are my keys?"
Robert: All right, all right, wait, I forgot. I had them. And here's your "TV Guide" and here's your big spoon.Note
Robert: Hey, everybody. Just wanted to, um apologize for the way I've been lately. Debra talked to me, and, uh I'm actually feeling better now, so if you can all forgive me, I'm glad you came over and, uh, let's have some cake.
- At the end of the episode, after Debra gets Robert to realize what an ass he's been, he breaks down crying, and when he composes him and leaves the bedroom:
Frank: Was that you crying in there?
- "Bad Moon Rising": After Ray plays an audio recording of Debra yelling at Ray, Debra is hurt and tells him, "You are a gigantic ass!", leaving the bedroom. Ray follows, quietly speaking into the tape recorder, "10:32: "Gigantic ass"."
- "Confronting the Attacker": A fully-recovered Robert confronts the bull that gored him months ago:
Robert: Hey. Remember me? You ran into me a few months ago. Actually, it was more than that. You gored me. You ran after me, you caught up, and you gored me. Right in the ass! That's right. Why'd you do it, huh? You damn bull.
Ray: Robert, Robert, I know I know we're outside, but inside voice.
Robert: All right. Look, you were probably just going on instinct. But you really screwed things up for me. I got famous 'cause of you. And not the good kind of famous. The kind of famous where people point at your butt and laugh. I was in the hospital. That's right. I had to sit on a special pillow. I don't know where your parents are right now, but how would you like to have to go and live with them for awhile? My father has always been a very insensitive man. And my mother, well, there's really not enough time -
Ray: Hey, Robert, you should probably-
Robert: I want him to know.
- "Italy Part 1": Ray getting washed by Aunt Colleta.
- In "The Author", Ray gets rejected by a publishing company at the same time Robert gets promoted to Lieutenant. Rather than congratulating him, Ray gets into an argument that escalates in a very hilarious fight. One moment has Ray trying to take Robert's shoe off, before realizing how dangerously close his face is to Robert's smelly foot.
Robert: 'Cause I was thinking, Ray, that a lot of books get published that suck. So, for your book not to get published, woo, that's gotta be off-the-charts suck.
- Before that, Robert insults Ray for his book getting rejected:
- Warren and Lois' imitations of each other in "Fighting In-Laws."
Ray: You know if you listen real careful, you can hear my pillow screaming.
- Lois says that going to couple's therapy in New Jersey is like getting "shot and then hung."
- Earlier in the episode, Warren mentions that he likes to sleep "au natural". Since he's sleeping in Ray and Debra's bed, he tests out their pillow by putting it between his thighs: "This'll be great for my hip." A few scenes later, when Ray can't sleep, he tells Debra:
Ray: (after she leaves) I always wondered where the flavor came from.
- Debra, to Ray: "Listen. If my parents lit an orphanage on fire on CHRISTMAS EVE, they wouldn't be as bad as your parents!" Then she drops the turkey on the floor and sloppily shoves it in the oven.
- In "Christmas Present", Marie inquires about the DVD player that Ray received:
Marie: What is a DVD player?Ray: Come on, not now, mom.Marie: Is it for pornography?Marie: I don't like that, Debra.
- In "Silent Partners": "Imagine a rain so beautiful, it must never have existed."
Debra: Are you here for the game, Frank?
- Ray invites Frank and Robert over so that he doesn't have to talk with Debra. She wanted to watch the game alone with Ray, so she's unprepared:
Frank: No, the sparkling conversation.
Frank: Okay, come on, move your ass!
Ray: Hey, Dad! (indicating his kids)
Frank: Sorry, step lively.
- "Stefania Arrives": Debra wonders if Robert and Stefania can just be friends. Frank deadpans: "That broad ain't built for friendship."
Robert: I've got pretzel nuggets...
- The Running Gag of Stefania liking hot dogs, to the point where it annoys Robert.
Stefania: (from living room) I like hot dogs.
Robert: (splits bag open) PRETZEL NUGGETS!!!
Stefania: (seemingly offended tone of voice) "Annoying"?!... What does this mean: "Annoying"?
- When Robert tries to break up with Stefania, he finally admits the truth: He finds her annoying.
- In "What Good Are You?", after Debra chokes and Ray just sits there:
Debra: Y'know, is it too much to ask for you to save my life once in a while? I mean, I think it's the least you could do.
Ray: Hey Nemo, Do you know what to do if somebody's choking?
- Ray and Nemo's brief scene together:
Nemo: Change the special.
Ray: I don't want to be taken care of.
- While at the pizza place, Ray is repeatedly teased by Andy, Gianni, and Robert. In one instance:
Ray: (annoyed) What are you laughing at?
Robert: I'm just noting the irony in your statement in the light of the fact that you live across the street from your mother.
Ray: (can't believe what he's hearing) What are you talking about?! You lived there for 35 years!
Robert: (shaking fingers) Lived! Lived! Past tense! I'm now miles away from them. 1.38 miles.
- "Super Bowl": After Ray gives Gianni his second Super Bowl ticket, he just stands with his back to an upset Frank and Robert, afraid to turn around.
Ray: They still looking at me?
Debra: Oh yeah.
Ray: Would you mind distracting them with some nudity?
- The ending, where Ray and Debra watch the Super Bowl in their hotel room Note . The camera does a slow zoom out to reveal Gianni also in the hotel room, angrily and silently staring at Ray for what he did.
- In "The Journal", Ray reveals his secret journal language to Debra by saying "Y-oka, my e-wif." When Debra chuckles at how easy that is to crack, she says, "It's not at all... e-lam." And follows it with: "Good night, my little... ass-jack."
Ray: That's not even how you do it, okay? It's not the whole word. It's just the letter. It's "s-jacka".
- In "The Sneeze", the guy in the airport who sneezes on Ray, doing it in the most over-the-top way imaginable. And when told about it, Marie offers her medical opinion:
Marie: Someone sneezed at you in the airport? You could have anything from anywhere.
Ray: Ma tell you about the guy sneezing on me?
- When Ray is sick in bed:
Frank: (unsympathetically) Yeah yeah, Shirley.
Debra: (resigned) Chocolate, vanilla, or strawberry?
- Robert, Andy, and Gianni come to visit Ray and feed him pizza, getting him all hyper. Debra walks in when Ray is out of bed, playing impromptu basketball. Debra observes that he's all better, and Ray thinks it's probably just a "pizza high".
- Debra rants to Marie and Ray about how sick in the head they are, and declares Ray perfectly healthy. The phone rings and it's the doctor's office: "Get back into bed, you've got strep throat." Even better, moments later Ray asks for ice cream:
Ray: Could you mix all three?
- "Fairies": Everyone on Frank's case because he is against Michael and Jeffrey being fairies in the school play. During the scene, Ray asks, "What is that smell?!"
Marie: He didn't shower today, so he used my Jean Nate.
Marie: You never look at what you're picking up in there.
Ray: Really? You're wearing perfume, Dad?
Frank: Shut up!
Robert: You do smell purty, Pa!
Frank: Well, I'm not so sure I like the way I'm being treated here. If any of you want to apologize to me, I'll be in the bath! (storms out)
Ray: That's not funny, all right? It's gonna be funny when you're up there and you're the worst fairies of the play. Is that gonna be funny? Come on. I've seen the other fairies, guys, they put you away.
- When Ray desperately tries to get Michael and Jeffrey to perform well as fairies so they can get back into the show. They fail spectacularly (they run around and scream).
- "Humm Vac": When Ray willingly uses the Humm Vac to vacuum, Debra says, "I have never been more attracted to you in my entire life."
- Debra tries to make a mess in Marie's house to prove that she needs the Humm Vac as much as herself, but when she grabs a potted plant to dump some dirt, she's annoyed to find: "Plastic. It's PLASTIC!"
- After being guilt-tripped by the family, Marie decides to take the plastic off the couch for the first time, ever. Frank, Robert, and Ray hesitate to sit on it without the plastic, and Debra snaps: "Would you SIT? It's a COUCH!" Then after a brief moment of the three enjoying the couch, Robert accidentally spills chips and the whole mood is ruined.
- "Net Worth": When Debra is upset at Ray for investing in a Go-Kart park without her permission, Ray tried to rope Robert into it by saying he invested too:
Debra: Hey, Robert can spend his money how he wants. He's not married, he's alone.
Robert: Doo-dah, doo-dah...
Ray: Who would win between me and Debra?
- Later, Robert mentions that he dated a woman who determined a person's net worth if they were to pass away. Debra passes with flying colors, while Ray barely has anything to his name:
Robert: Well, we're talking about death here, Raymond. There's really no winning.
Debra: Okay, yeah, who's worth more?
Robert: It's a little complicated. I mean, a jury could look at almost anything. For example, did you know that they're more sympathetic to an attractive person?
Frank: Say good night, Ray-mo.
Robert: I'm sure if Debra's life was presented to a jury, they would see that she was very active. That she worked out, she was healthy, spirited, she had a zest for life.
Ray: Got it!
Robert: And they would also be more sympathetic to Debra because she is the primary caregiver and nurturer.
Debra: I win.
Ray: Wait wait a minute, wait a minute, what about me?
Robert: Well, Raymond, I guess you're the financial provider.
Ray: Damn straight. I make the cheddar, baby. Yeah. What else?
Robert: Ummmmm....... (high-pitched and raspy) I dunno.
- "The Canister", the whole thing. But particularly Debra's "what if" speech to Ray and Robert if she returns Marie's borrowed canister (which Debra had thought returned):
Debra: Nobody's gonna stop me?! Nobody cares what happens to me? Or or not even to me, but let's just say I bring this thing back, and you know, she's always right. And she has more power than ever. Like when you (to Robert) say, "Mom, I don't want to marry that girl. I think you're wrong about her." "Oh? Was I wrong about the CANISTER?" Or you, (to Ray) when you say, "Mom, you know, I don't think you should move in with us now that dad has passed." "Oh, have you forgotten about the CANISTER?!"
Ray: Devil, thy name is woman.
- After Debra throws out the canister:
Marie: (overjoyed) Frank, come look! Our sons are hugging!
- When Ray and Robert are hugging (to conceal the canister between them)
Frank: (from other room) You want me to get the hose?
- In "The Walk to the Door":
Ray: (to Debra) I regret not loving you more. Yes, you deserve all the love that can fit in the ocean.
Marie: I thought that was beautiful, Frank. Why can't you say something like that to me?
Frank: All right. (clears throat) I would love it if you were in the ocean.
- In "Let's Fix Robert", Ray goes to pick up a pizza, and we get this:
Ray: Hey, Mr. Fogagnolo. Is my pizza ready?
Marco: It's ready when I say it's ready.
Ray: (intimidated) ...That's a good policy.
- The ending of "Frank Paints the House": Marie accidentally gets sprayed with paint. Frank walks by and notes, "That's gonna need another coat."
- In "The Angry Family", when the class is reading their stories to the parents:
Teacher: And now we have Ian.
Frank: (annoyed) Oh crap...
Michael: "The Angry Family. The daddy was mad at the mommy. The mommy was mad at the daddy. The mommy and daddy were very mad at the grandpa. The grandma got mad at everybody."
- Michael reads his story:
Marie: I did not!
- In "No Roll", when Debra and Ray are playing Sensuopoly, one of the squares instructs Ray to tell something about himself that Debra doesn't know. Ray's response? "I'm back from war!" (lunges at Debra)
- Another square instructs Ray and Debra to look into each others' eyes, without blinking, for sixty seconds. After about ten seconds, Ray pipes up: " I don't think we're getting what's intended here, 'cause you're startin' to look like the devil." Cue Rage Quit from Debra.
- In "Ray's Ring", Robert accidentally spun Ray's wedding ring into the vents in a hotel. At first, Ray tries to hide his ring-less finger to Debra, but eventually he comes clean and shows it to her.
Debra: Where's your wedding ring?
Debra: Okay, the first guy was definitely gay, and Jimmy's all wrapped up in his work.
- To make Ray jealous, Debra goes to the supermarket without her wedding ring on, and tries hitting on other men. Both attempts fail miserably. She spots Ray watching her from another aisle and approaches him:
Ray: You knew I was watching you?
Debra: ...Shut up.
Ray: Come on, please, can we just go home?
Debra: You're obviously married to an old hag!
Ray: But I love her!
- One of the show's classic moments, in "Marie's Sculpture", after Marie finally realizes a sculpture she made resembles a certain part of the female anatomy.
Marie: ...Oh my God, I'm a lesbian.
Janitor: If you ask me, it looks like a *whispers*Frank: ...Holy crap!
- And then there's Frank. Who takes even longer to figure it out despite staring at it all episode. It finally takes someone pointing it out for him.
Ray: Isn't it a bit too...ladylike?
- When Ray is trying to tell Debra what the sculpture looks like:
Debra: (rolls eyes) Great.
Ray: You see?
Debra: Oh, now I do, thank you.
Robert: Make it stop...
- Brad Garrett outshines the whole cast, however, with nothing more than a couple of facial reactions: first annoyance at Ray when he whispers what he sees in Robert's ear, then Robert's eyes nearly pop out of his skull when he looks at it again and sees the same thing.
- "Jealous Robert", when Ray realizes that Debra set up Gianni with Amy to get Robert jealous:
Debra: Let me tell you something. The fact that Robert got jealous only means he still has feelings for her.
Ray: You DID do it. And the genius part of it all was leaking it to my mother. Because you knew, oh, you knew that telling her was just like whispering it into Robert's ear. Unbelievable. You believe that, Ma? She played you. She played you like a fiddle! What do you think of that, mom? (Marie has her back to Ray, cooking; Ray has a concerned tone to his voice because she's not responding) ...Mom?
(Marie casually turns around)
Marie: Your eggs are ready, Raymond.
Ray: Oh my God! You're in on it! This is sick! Who else is in on it? Amy and Gianni in on the whole thing, too?
Marie: All I needed was Debra.
Ray: (to Debra) So you've made me an accomplice. Your soul is as black as night.
- Then at the end of the scene, when Ray reluctantly agrees not to tell Robert:
Marie: Back when your father and I were seeing each other, he found out that I had a date with a man called Chuck Pecorella. And Frank came running back to me. It was so sweet. It was the first time he ever expressed his true emotions.
- Frank tells a story that relates to the Robert/Amy/Gianni plot, about how he once got jealous over Marie dating a guy named Chuck Pecorella, to the point of punching the guy's windshield. This comes up later in the episode:
Ray: Yeah, Ma, those were his true emotions 'cause it wasn't a scheme. It just happened.
Marie: Don't be naive, Raymond.
Ray: What? What do you mean?
Marie: Chuck Pecorella was gay!
- Robert greets Gianni in a very intimidating, low growl. He also does this in "The Contractor".
- "Frank Goes Downstairs": Ray hurts his hand after falling out of bed while having sex. He doesn't want to tell Frank, though, since he's embarrassed to talk about sex with his father. So when Ray's friends brings it up to Frank, Ray has to make a cover story:
Ray: What? It's nothin'. I hurt my wrist, that's all. I fell down the stairs. They're old and creaky, those stairs.
Frank: What a marvelous story. And you tell it beautifully.
Ray: I told you it was nothing.
Frank: How many years have I got left? You gotta waste my time with that story?
Ray: What? I didn't want to tell it to ya.
Frank: Then you should cut your losses now and stop talking.
Frank: They had me so drugged up, I didn't know whether I was comin' or goin'.
- When Frank is in the hospital from falling through Ray and Debra's stairs that he was trying to fix, he repeatedly tells the doctor to look at Ray's testicle.
- Frank, high on pain killers: "I was thinkin' it should be pretty easy to finish those stairs. The hard part's already done: Where I fall through them."
- At the end of the episode, Frank is back home and complaining about the painkillers he was on in the hospital:
Marie: I thought what they had you on was marvelous. I'm going to call Mexico and try to get some for the house.
- In "Older Women", when Warren brings Emma, the current woman he's dating, who is older than Lois (whom he divorced):
Marie: It's a pleasure to meet you, Emma, and that's a lovely pantsuit.
Emma: Oh, this old thing?
(Frank immediately starts laughing)
Emma: I baked this pie for you.
Debra: Oh, thank you. It looks delicious.
Emma: It's an old family recipe.
(no laughter from Frank this time)
Frank: Kill is going to Debra you! Why do you say things?
- This line, when Ray accidentally says a Freudian Slip (and tries to backpedal by saying that he often says things backwards, like ""I'm dinner. What's for hungry?"), causing Lois to leave upset and Debra and Marie joining her:
Ray: Because Debra wanted me to be supportive of her mother or something, I don't know!
Frank: (shakes head) Trying to please the wife. When are you going to learn?
- Frank's line: "I'm trying to picture myself with a woman who's older. She'd have to be, like, a mummy or something."
- "Raybert": Natasha goes to Ray's house to pick up Robert for their date Note , and has a comical misunderstanding with Debra, including being told by Robert that Debra was dead.
- In "Snow Day", a slightly drunk Ray is trying to convince Debra that she should consider herself better than his family, pointing out all their annoying habits. When he gets to Robert, he lists off some of his quirks, eventually arriving at, "He separates his 'Good&Plenties' into 'Goods' and 'Plenties'!" He pushes a reluctant Robert to explain which is which...
Robert: ...The pinks are the "Goods"... and the whites are the "Plenties". Because there's always more of them. And they're not as good. [beat] And then there's a third category of "irregulars".Ray: [grinning] And they're called?Robert: ..."Cuties".
- Drunk!Raymond loudly calling Frank a "baboon's ass."
- Ray and Robert's cringe worthy dance moves take the cake. Debra and Amy aren't any better, but Frank and Marie are quite talented.
- From "The Kicker:"
Frank: Come on, Robert, tell it like you're not a gelding.
Frank: Luck is the residue of design!
- Frank's Sophisticated as Hell moment:
Frank: Shut up.
Debra: Frank, that's a record for the school. You know it's not right to keep that, don't you?
- Also this:
Robert: Don't bother, Deb. His soul was removed to make room for more stomach.
Robert: (runs in with the radio) They're talking about Dad!
- The whole radio scene.
Caller: You wanna know what that guy is? I'll tell ya - he's a jackass!
Debra: (gasps) They are talking about him!
Host: So, Dave on line one, what do you think?
- When Frank says he'll give the ball back for ten thousand dollars:
Caller: I think this Frank deserves to be kicked sixty-eight yards!
Marie: Finally, a voice of reason!
Host: Frank, you're telling me that Ron Fernandez doesn't deserve the ball?
Frank: Who the hell is Ron Fernandez?
Host: The player who kicked the field goal.
Frank: Well, his money's as good as anybody else's.
Debra: (to Marie) Why do you let him use the phone?!
Radio host: I hate that guy's column. He thinks he's so funny. He blows.
- When Frank says on air that he is Ray's father, Ray screams in frustration and smashes the radio into Marie's cake.
Robert: (laughing while talking) Man, I should be taping this!
Marie: You can't print that! You don't attack your family in public!Ray: What are you talking about?! You took a swing at him at the mall last week!Marie: *dismissively* That's different, he was doing skits in the lingerie store.
- When the rest of the family is trying to get the ball back to Hofstra, Robert throws it across the street to Ray and accidentally throws it straight through a window. Ray stands there staring at it for a good twenty seconds with an "Are you freaking kidding me?" look on his face.
- This, solely for the image it puts in your head:
- In "Season's Greetings", as the family is sitting around and making fun of other families' Christmas letters:
Frank: (reading) "Is it Christmas already? With our trip to colonial Williamsburg, remodeling the living room, and Denny's successful run for city council, the months have just flown by!" City council of what city? Jackassville?
Robert: You can't keep that bottled up. You have to share it with us... (deep voice) when you fail.
- Also good is Ray revealing that he tried for an editing position at the newspaper and was rejected twice. The funny part is when Robert "consoles" him as only he can:
Frank: What am I now? Just a list of cable channels and a big pile of bacon waiting to die!
- Frank's section of the Christmas letter is just a list of his favorite cable channels and "His love affair with bacon continues."
- "Tissues": Debra apologizes to Ray for how she acted the previous night. She then wants to make it up to Ray by allowing him to plan the family vacation this year. Ray is surprised, and Debra replies with:
Debra: I trust you. I do. (with a little bit of hesitation in her voice) I'm going to have to trust you.
Frank: Hey, those tissues stink. (...) They got the lotion on them. They're all greasy. You pull one out to blow your nose on it, you think you did it already.
- Everyone giving Ray a hard time about the tissues he bought, especially Frank and Robert:
Robert: Raymond, if I may. Did you ever stop to wonder why these tissues were on sale? The bad color, the disgusting texture, the fact that they're only 100-count when a typical box of tissues holds 160? Hmm? You got ripped off, mah brother. Nobody wanted these things. Nobody but poor ol' Mr. Bumblepuss. That's you!
- "Cookies": The Shout-Out to Glengarry Glen Ross: "A.B.C.: Always. Be. Closing."
Ally: How many cookies would you like to buy?
- Peggy's advice for the Frontier Girls is not to ask if people would like to buy cookies, but how many cookies they'd like to buy. This backfires immediately when Ally tries to sell on the street:
Guy: (walking by) How about zero?
Robert: Oh, you have an arch-enemy. What are you a superhero now?
- When Ray takes Frank and Robert to task about buying cookies from his "arch-enemy":
Frank: "Captain Big-Nose!"
Robert: [flaring his nostrils dramatically] "I'm gonna blow you away!"
Ray: (to Marie) You're not a woman, you're my mother.
- When Debra claims Ray doesn't like women.
Robert: (deadpan) Dr. Freud on line one for ya, Raymond.
- "The Skit": Ray calling Debra a "cranky, uptight yell machine".
Robert: It's like I always say: "Live, love, laugh." (winks) I'll see ya.
- Robert in general is a riot in this episode.
- In "The Breakup Tape", Ray wonders just what presents Debra's past boyfriends had given her over the years.
Ray: Is there anything in here [the bedroom] I should know about?!
Debra: ...The picture frame.
Ray: ....THAT'S AROUND A PICTURE OF OUR CHILDREN! (Beat) Waaaaaaaaaait...
Debra: They're our kids, Ray!
- Another such present was a poem entitled "Debra's Eyes". When, the next morning, Ray takes it upon himself to get some "new, better things" (i.e. replacements for all of the gifts), he also takes his own stab at romantic poetry:
One on each side, like a dainty cup
So gently they hold thine sunglasses up.
So round and nice, with a subtle ridge
There's no bone in there, it's cartilage."
- Another such present was a poem entitled "Debra's Eyes". When, the next morning, Ray takes it upon himself to get some "new, better things" (i.e. replacements for all of the gifts), he also takes his own stab at romantic poetry:
- In "Talk to Your Daughter", Robert ponders life's unanswerable questions, including whether you could theoretically fly around forever in space. Frank dismisses it as nonsense, leading to this:
Debra: It's not nonsense, Frank! Haven't you ever heard that the unexamined life is not worth living?
Frank: Hey, you know what? (snores)
- In "Call Me Mom", this line: "Did your mom tell you not to call my mom "Mom"?"
Robert: She will be with you presently.
- Debra enters Frank and Marie's kitchen, and Marie is in another room. Debra asks if she can see her, and Frank says, "Let me get her for ya. MA-RIE!!!!!"
Debra: You know, I think it might be best for all concerned if we just go back to the way it was. No more "Mom" calling.
- When Lois doesn't want Debra to call Marie "mom", Lois says "Heaven forbid you don't get your way for once." Marie replies back, "May I just ask... what the hell is that supposed to mean?!"
- After the fight between Marie and Lois over whether Debra gets to call Marie "mom":
Lois: Maybe that's a good idea.
Marie: All right. It's fine with me, but if it's hard for some other people-
- "A Vote for Debra": When Debra finds out Ray didn't vote for her in the election, she tells him:
Debra: We all know why you didn't vote for me. If I win, I might get out of this house and you might have to get off your butt and do something. You want me locked in this house. Your vote was a vote for slavery!
Debra: You were acting like a goofball.
- Debra admits that at one of the election fundraisers, she had to deny that she knew Ray because he embarrassed her. This exchange occurs:
Ray: I don't care what I was doing. You denied knowing me at the potluck?
Debra: You were stuffing your pants with food.
Ray: I'm your husband. You're supposed to support me no matter what's in my pants!
- From "Mother's Day", while Ray and Frank are arguing over who is right, Debra or Marie:
Frank: Well who the hell is Marie to come barging in demanding joy, while Debra's wrestling with the damn kids?Ray: She didn't have to be so rude!Frank: (Points at Marie) Rude is the only thing that gets through to her! How do you think I got the way I am? I USED TO BE A GENTLEMAN!!
- "The Bigger Person": When Robert lets it slip that he went to Debra first about not going to the "big bed" mad, Marie is offended that he didn't come to her first. When Robert tries to explain, Marie cuts him off:
Marie: Enough. You're a double agent.
Robert: What are you talking about?
Ray: Yeah, that's exactly what a double agent would say.
Robert: I will do whatever it takes to make this family whole!Ray: I think you're the family hole.
- Marie tells Ray, twice, to shut up. The first time, it's rather shocking because of how out-of-character it is, but the second time is pretty funny because of how Ray reacts: "...We say it all the time now??"
- Let's not forget this gem:
- In "The First Time", Marie invites the family pastor over to Debra's apartment to intervene, because she thinks that Ray and Debra are going to have pre-marital sex. Marie was able to lure the pastor to their place by saying they're having lasagna. After a bit of family bickering, the pastor stands up and says, "Wait a minute! Is there even a lasagna here?!"
Father Hubley: I think we should leave.
Marie: But Father Hubley, you haven't eaten yet!
Father Hubley: When I say "we", I'm including the lasagna.
- In "Cult", after Ray attends the Inner Path meeting with Robert, Robert admits: "I don't know what I'm doing."
- In "Counseling", when Ray and Debra get home from their first marriage counseling session, the first words out of Marie's mouth:
Robert: What are ya hiding, man? (points to Ray's head) What's in there?!
- When the family is trying to analyze Ray, who refuses to open up:
- In "Homework", Ray and Robert are playing a video game when Debra walks in and criticizes him for not reading the books given to him by the school board (which would show him what they should cut).
Robert: Cubby, you can't play video games if you haven't finished your homework. (...) You know, Raymond, every day at the end of my shift, I have a mountain of paperwork. And you know when I do it?
Ray: When you're supposed to be out buying nose-hair clippers?
Robert: I do it right away. Because there is no worse feeling than when you've put something off to the last second, and it's getting dark, and the clock is ticking, and you realize... you're never gonna make it.
- Then he caps off this scene by announcing, "By tomorrow morning, I will be the greatest zombie hunter of all time." and rolls his eyes back in his head while acting like a zombie. It's both funny and eerily convincing.
- "Pet the Bunny": The episode revolves around Ray recalling a memory of Frank petting the family bunny when he was a kid, and putting it in Frank's practice eulogy. When Garvin and Stan find out, they tease him by taking it to extremes:
Stan: It's the talk of the lodge! How you'd go in the backyard and sing songs to the bunny, and rub nosies with it.
Ray: All right, look, the bunny thing, the only reason I even remember it is 'cause it's so unlike you! You were the toughest son of a bitch I ever knew!
- Then when Frank chews out Ray for including it in his eulogy:
Frank: You gonna put that in?
Ray: I could.
Frank: Write it down before you forget it!
- In "Robert Needs Money", when Robert and Ray are arguing over the thousand dollars Ray gifted him to pay for bills (Which Robert used to go to Las Vegas), Robert compares the money to the gift of a chair: "Here, Robert, I gave you this chair. Don't sit like this, sit like this!" It's the voice he uses.
Frank: You know... I once lost a friend over $50. And I'll tell ya. Sometimes, when I'm driving... I still think about that $50.
- Also, after Ray declares that if Robert uses the $1,000 he gave him on a trip to Vegas, they're no longer brothers, Frank speaks up. You think he's going to make a point that money shouldn't come between people, but he's just being cheap:
- In "The Sigh", Ray's annoyance at how unkempt the kids keep their bathroom:
Ray: It's like a bus station in here...
Ray: You know what? I don't need a bathroom.
- When Ray gets to see Debra's renovated bathroom, she offers to let him use it, but he's self-conscious about it:
Ray: I don't have to take back my house; it's my house! It's always been my house, and it'll always be my house! All right? So mind your business, both of you!
- Ray shaving and combing his hair in the kitchen (using the toaster as a mirror!) instead of using the upstairs bathroom, which he gave to Debra. When Frank and Robert confront Ray about it, and pressure him to take back the bathroom:
Robert: You know what? You're right, Raymond. I feel bad about what I said. You deserve to relax. Let me run you a hot bath. (turns on the kitchen sink)
Ray: You don't sneeze! You try to stop it! You keep going, "Ah-hah-haaaah-NYIT! Ah-NYIT!"
- Ray and Debra are in Debra's redecorated bathroom complaining about each other's annoying habits, right down to the way either one sneezes.
Debra: So I should just go ahead and spray everything like you! You sneeze like it's a big Broadway musical finale! "Aaah-choo! Aaah-choo! Ah-CHOOOOOOOO! Good night, everybody! Enjoy my mucus!"
Ray: How 'bout how 'bout the time we were at the pet store with the kids and that guy had a monkey? All I did was look at it, and you gave me that face.
- Ray claims Debra's controlling by recounting a story when the family was at the pet store:
Debra: What face?
Ray: That "don't even think about it" face.
Debra: Well, you know we can't have a monkey in the house!
Ray: I know! I wasn't going to buy a monkey. But you didn't even like that I thought it might be fun.
Debra: That's right, because maybe I don't want to think that my husband, whom I'm married to, would like to live with a monkey!
Ray: Well, maybe I would.
Debra: Well, maybe I do.
Debra: (covering) Hi, kids. Mom and Dad were just having a discussion about how sometimes we need our own space.
- In the same scene, Ray tries to take back the bathroom, but Debra refuses. They get in a scuffle and the shower head gets involved, soaking both of them. During their fight, the three kids come in.
Ray: Yeah, that's all. We were just... all right, you know what?
(Ray sprays the kids with the shower, and they bolt out of the bathroom. Ray and Debra share a laugh.)
- In "She's the One", Ray just witnesses Robert's new girlfriend do something very disturbing after dinner at their house and tells Robert and Debra in the kitchen:
"The fly that was flying around, Angela killed it, it fell on the table, she put it in a napkin, and then she AAATE IIIT!!"
Angela: You okay?
- Even better, before that, when Angela ate the fly, Ray stared at her, horrified, for a full two minutes.
- When Robert is making out with Angela:
Robert: Oh, I'm very okay.
Angela: Wanna be even more okay?
Angela: Wanna go in there? (indicating bedroom)
Angela: I'll be in in a minute.
Robert: (suave) And I'll be in there, being very okay.
"There's nothing humiliating about going out the window. If your mother's apartment had been one floor lower, we wouldn't be having this conversation."
- When Angela catches Robert escaping out the window: "You know, Robert, we all come from frogs."
- In the same episode, Frank's thoughts on Robert escaping Angela's apartment by climbing out the window.
Ray: Oh, what is it about you that you don't believe me when I tell you?! She sat right there at your dinner table and ate a fly!
- When Robert says why he dumped Angela ("She eats bugs"), Debra denies it yet again: "Oh come on, Robert, she does not." This leads to Ray stepping in:
Marie: I could believe that.
Ray: No, Mom, it wasn't in the food.
Marie: Oh. I don't believe that.
- When Debra tries to build Robert up by listing his positive qualities, Robert coldly replies with, "Blahblahblahblahblahblahblah..." and flapping his lips in a derisive manner. Debra gives up trying to be nice: "Good luck with the frog lady."
- In "Marie's Vision", when Marie is faced with evidence even she can't deny that her eyesight is failing, she sadly walks out of the room. Cut to Ray, Debra and Robert looking concerned and sympathetic. Then cut to Frank.
Frank: [evil grin] Let's hide.
Debra: Robert, did you have those anti-wrinkle injections put in your face?Robert: Terhats ("perhaps").Ray: "Turd hats"??
- Another great bit from "Marie's Vision": Robert talking funny because he put injections in his face to decrease wrinkles:
Robert: NAYMOND! Who are you to say zat? What I do hith ny hace is ny dusiness!
- Then later, after Ray spills the beans to Marie about Robert's injections:
Robert: NO! I'm really tissed!
Debra: So you really think my eyes look okay this way? Without all that stuff on them?
- At the end of the episode, Debra's still feeling insecure about her make-up-less eyes:
Ray: All right, let me tell you something. I have always thought your eyes were beautiful.
Debra: That's very sweet. But I want you to answer the question again, and bear in mind that I am way too tired to have sex tonight.
Ray: What does that got to do with anything? I love your eyes.
Debra: No, I mean it, Ray. It's really not gonna happen tonight.
Ray: All right. What do you want me to say? Give me a break. This is ridiculous. Your eyes were the first thing I noticed when I met you, so why would I want anything different?
Debra: Are you trying to have sex with me?
Ray: I am.
Debra: Good night, Ray.
Ray: You know what? I wish I could say that I don't like your eyes, but sex or no sex, your eyes are beautiful. So sweet dreams.
Debra: Still tryin'?
Ray: Yeah. (annoyed) Come on!
- In "Grandpa Steals", Marie and Robert painting Frank more like a dog than a human being.
Marie: But the truth is, this all could've been avoided if Raymond had handled him better in the supermarket.
Ray: What?! He was an animal!
Marie: Yes. And you let him off his leash. If you take a dog to a supermarket, and he has an accident in the frozen food aisle, is it the dog's fault?
Ray: ...Did Dad ever do that?
Marie: I'm saying, you know how your father is. And there are ways to prevent this kind of scene. First of all, I try to be with him if he's ever going to be anywhere there might be people.
Debra: But Ray was with him. What was he supposed to do?
Marie: Before you even got to the snack section, you should've had a Hershey bar or a Zagnut here in your pocket.
Robert: That's true. He responds to treats.
- When Frank has a talk with Ally about his behavior in the store, he defends himself by saying he just took a sample. Ally replies: "But the sign said no sampling." After a pause, Frank says, "Oh, you're reading now." Keep in mind, Ally's almost a teenager in this episode.
- After Frank apologizes to Jimmy the grocer, Jimmy has the gall to insult Frank some more. Though Frank resists the urge to chuck a tomato at him in front of Ally, he gets even by knocking down an orange from a shelf, causing the entire shelf of oranges to come tumbling down. Jimmy sees Ray at the scene, and Ray immediately runs off.
- In "Somebody Hates Raymond", Robert getting annoyed at Ray obsessing over Jerry Musso claiming he hated Ray:
Robert: What is with you? You can't believe that somebody could hate you? Is it so impossible to fathom that somewhere in this vast cosmos, there might exist a single entity that thinks you suck?
Ray: What are you doing here?
- When Robert shows up at Jerry Musso's party:
Robert: Andy got me on the guest list a couple of days ago. I wanna get Jerry Musso's autograph. I'm a big fan.
(Ray takes the paper and blows his nose in it, then stuffs it in Robert's pocket)
Robert: It's tearing you apart, isn't it? You have to know. There he is. Go ahead. Now's your chance. Maybe you'll find out something about yourself. What are you waiting for?
Jerry: Hey, who let those guys in here?
- Then when Jerry insults Ray, Robert stands up for Ray in the most awesome way possible. After his "The Reason You Suck" Speech to Jerry, he takes the used paper and stuffs it in Jerry's pocket.
Andy: I don't know, but I'm sure as hell gonna find out!
Ray: Guy called me "dumb".
Robert: You're not dumb, Raymond.
Ray: And, even if I am, is that any reason to hate me?
Robert: Of course not! There's so many better reasons.
- In "The Disciplinarian," after Robert tells Frank and Marie that Ray used to sneak out of the house at night and the two laugh and reminisce about it, Ray casually says, "Oh, by the way, Robert did it too." Robert freaks out and screams "HE'S LYYYYYYYIIING!"
Marie: You drank?Frank: You popped out the back panel?!
- The part where Ray talks about how Robert stole some peppermint schnapps from Frank's padlocked liquor cabinet by moving it away from the wall and popping out the back panel. Frank and Marie's priorities differ a little:
Ray: Yeah, you're right. You never felt the need to do that... but you did find the need to go to Mardi Gras when you were in college...
- Debra says that her parents explained why rules are important, and maybe that's why she never felt the need to break curfew or go joyriding. Ray interjects:
Debra: (nervous) Ray.
Ray: ...And at the parade...
Debra: (warning) Ray.
Ray: ...You took your top off.
Debra: It was a momentary indiscretion! I was in college, I was finding myself!Ray: And you found yourself on the front page of the daily news with your boobs out.Debra: RAY!
- Of course, she tries to save the situation...
Robert: I gotta start a band.
- When Debra insists she wasn't topless in the news photo, as there was a black bar over "the exposed area," Frank grumbles, "I hate those!"
- A bit later Robert mentions the possibility of the kids sneaking out and going to concerts. Debra, to her immediate embarrassment, instantly blurts "No concerts! Shirts can come off at concerts too!"
- "Meeting the Parents":
Frank: See, Marie? I bet all this stuff about church is a load of crap, too. Probably spends all Sunday watching TV in a muffin shop.
- Frank's rivalry with Hank, whom he's convinced is a phony. After Hank says he's never eaten a muffin, says he likes to reserve Sundays for church and family instead of watching television, and doesn't want to go along with Debra's idea of a group prayer:
Hank: This is hardly worshipful.
- This exchange, when Frank bets he can "beat" Hank's prayer:
Frank: Who made you the Prayer Sheriff?
Hank: I am not the "Prayer Sheriff".
Peter: So that's why you and me are gonna break up this wedding.
- Ray and Peter's conversation in the hall. Peter and Ray briefly find common ground that both are driven crazy by their parents, but it goes south quickly:
Ray: Wait a minute. Look, I think you got the wrong idea there, Peter, okay? I'm not for breaking up Robert and Amy's wedding.
Peter: I thought we were friends.
Ray: Yeah, but friends can disagree.
Peter: No, they can't.
Ray: But you just disagreed with me right there.
Peter: Oh, a-ha. Uh-huh. Oh, you are crafty. Uh-huh. Ah, how I misjudged you.
- In "The Plan", Ray convinces Robert to fake incompetence when creating the wedding invitations so that Amy will do it herself and he won't have to do any more work. This backfires when Robert makes the mistakes too obvious, and when Debra finds out, she accuses Ray of doing the same with her throughout their entire married lives.
Debra: I have had it, Ray. The jig is up. (walks upstairs)
Ray: What jig? Come on. Me not being able to do that stuff, that's not fake. There's no jig! I don't have a jig!
Amy: (to Robert, almost growling) It's "black tie optional." "Attire optional" means MAYBE NAKED!
- Robert's purposefully botched wedding invitations are pretty epic: "Hank 'n' Pat MacDougall request the honor of your presents, on the 6th*, attire optional." (* The wedding was supposed to take place on the 9th)
- When Debra first finds out about the purposefully-botched invitations, she's furious. Contrast to Ray, who just came home from work: "Hey, jelly cheeks!" Rather than chew him out right away, Debra puts on a happy poker face and gives Ray the invitations. When Ray is horrified to discover that the bad ones were actually sent out, he purposefully spills on the invitation, then lights it on fire, and dumps it down the garbage disposal. He then tells Debra: "Anyway, something smells gooooood! Mmmm, damn, woman!"
- In "Sleepover at Peggy's" when Ray says that Peggy tapped his butt:
Gianni: The cookie lady fondled you?
Debra: (to herself) Maybe I died...
- At the end of the episode, Ray decides to be extra helpful to a bed-ridden Debra after learning what happened to Peggy's ex-husband, who was selfish. The confused/shocked look on Debra's face when Ray pampers her is great.
- The start of "Who's Next?" has a great Mood Whiplash:
Marie: Guess who died?
(everyone else murmurs "Awww" and other noises of sympathy)
Debra: She's the same age as me, she's smart, she's funny, good values.
- When Ray and Debra choose spouses for each other if one happens to die before the other, Debra picks Linda. After a pause, Ray contemplates it and gets a grin.
Ray: Excellent values.
Debra: Yeah, I just I just thought that she- (notices) what are you grinning about?
Debra: What's with the big smile? What are you thinking about?
Ray: What? I'm I- I guess I'm thinkin' about the kids and how happy they'll be with Linda.
Debra: You're picturing her naked, aren't you?
Ray: No no no! No.
Debra: I know she has a good body.
Ray: She does? Well, I never noticed. (smiles)
Debra: Oh, you are so so full of it! I'm not even dead yet, you're already fantasizing about having sex with Linda.
Ray: I am not! Come on, how can you say that?
Debra: 'Cause I know that dorky face you're so typical! All you care about are boobs and butts.
Ray: I couldn't care less about butts!
Debra: Look at you, we're supposed to go to the movies with them tomorrow night; is that the face you're gonna have? (makes a dorky smile)
Ray: I'm not gonna make that face. I'm gonna make this face. (gives a serious look)
Bernie: You were picturing her naked, weren't you?
- Later in the episode, Debra tells Bernie and Linda about the agreement, and says that when she picked Linda for Ray, he couldn't take that stupid grin off his face:
Linda: (mildly embarrassed) Bernie!
Bernie: Yeah, that's what all guys do they see a woman, they picture her naked.
Linda: Oh, yeah? You picture Debra naked?
Bernie: ...Huh? No. No more than you picture Ray naked.
- In "The Shower", during Debra's meeting to get her driver's license back:
Frank: (turns to Ray) She shoulda lawyer'd up.
Ray: ...You didn't brush your teeth today, did you, dad?
Robert: Hey, Ray. Hey, Debra. (beat) Debra?
- The earlier scene where Robert comes across Debra in jail for drunk driving.
Debra: (embarrassed) Hi Robert.
Robert: Oh my God, she finally killed Ma.
- "Robert's Wedding":
- Robert, to Ray: "Do not mess with me today, Raymond. DO NOT MESS WITH ME!! This is my wedding day, and I am in no mood for fun!" Ray replies after he leaves, "Then you're gonna love marriage."
- Peter purposefully doesn't pick up the pastor for the wedding, causing a last-minute freak-out for Robert. Luckily the pastor makes it on time, but is in the wrong frame of mind for a wedding: "Someone was supposed to pick me up; I had to hitchhike. Let's get this over-with."
- While Robert and Marie are arguing during the wedding ceremony, Ray realizes they're gonna be a while and sits down. Ray is soon joined by the pastor.
- Marie is critical of the food at the reception, but lies to Pat: "Oh Pat, what a wonderful spread!"
- Frank is upset that he has to pay for beer at the wedding instead of it being free, and demands "Beer now, beer now!" Hank agrees to pay for it, and tries to make amends. Frank replies, "Well, I think you are a nice fella, Hank. But I gotta tell ya, you're not gonna find much good in people when they drive all the way to Pennsylvania for a big, long wedding and you screw them on the booze."
Frank: "Well"? That's all ya got? "Well"?
Hank: Yes, because "well" is what one says when one is shocked, but not particularly surprised, by someone's boorish behavior. Well.
Frank: That is so frickin' sad!
Hank: Oh yes, Frank, that's sad? Well, I want my money back. Now who's sad? Oh, Mr. Bartender, don't give this man any alcohol. He seems to have had more than enough over the course of his life.
Frank: I'm a veteran!
Hank: A veteran of the Bad Manners Army.
Frank: Take a hike, boy scout!
Ray: Hey hey hey, hold it! Back it up, calm it down, and look at all the people at the wedding.
Frank: This phony holy man and his liquor gouging have ruined an otherwise happy occasion!
- In "Fun With Debra", when Ray is about to go golfing:
Debra: You put those golf clubs down, spend some time with your kids, and create some damn memories!!!
- In "Thank You Notes," after explaining that Amy and Debra should not challenge Marie because the family should just be nice to each other, Ray gives one last reason not to cross her:
Ray: Besides, before even giving up a drop of power, she will truly kill us all.
Ray: Listen, Dad, I don't know what to do. I need your help. The ladies, they're planning a takeover.
- From the same episode, Ray running across the street to warn Marie and Frank about what Debra and Amy are planning, and when he gets in the house he glances down and realizes he's still in his boxers.
- This whole scene:
Frank: Go on.
Ray: Debra, she saw what happened with Amy and Mom and the thank-you notes, and she got Amy to join forces with her, and now Debra's all foaming at the mouth.
Frank: Wait a minute, this is bad news for me. Anything that puts the missus in a worse mood than usual puts me in the dumper! Who's gonna feed me if this happens? Debra? That's no kind of life! How's Amy's cooking?
Ray: I don't know. It's good, I guess.
Frank: Still, that's a 10-minute drive. You've got to shut this down. How are they gonna pull it off?
Ray: It's already started. They're planning a big throw-down, laying out the new order, and everybody's equal— love all around, peace and harmony.
Frank: (derisively) Those stupid broads. You can't overthrow Marie. Besides, anytime you cut the head off something, the body still runs around by itself, all crazed-like.!
Ray: I know! That's why I'm asking you. I don't know what to do. What do you think we should do?
Marie: (comes out from the laundry room) I'm not sure yet.
Ray: (screams and jumps out of his chair) Argh! What the- you heard everything?!
Marie: I heard enough.
Ray: (to Frank) Did you know she was back there?
Ray: Well why'd you let me go on for?!
Frank: I want my shrapnel back.
- Then, when Ray tries to explain himself, he bolts out of the house after only a few words.
- Pretty much everything Robert says or does in this episode.
- Debra's desperation when Amy goes over to Marie's side, culminating with an utterly soul-crushed Debra announcing: "...She's gone."
- "Home From School": Michael is punished by Ray for staying home from school a third day in a row despite not being sick. He takes away his cereal and gives him his own cereal: The box has "two grandmas on a bike".
- Down in his office, Michael is bored, so Ray rubs it in: "Don't worry, we'll be done here in... oh, about five hours. (gleefully) Hee hee hee..."
- "Misery Loves Company": Ray and Debra are annoyed at Robert and Amy's affection and guarantees they're going to fight like any other married couple. A great line from Debra:
Debra: Amy, there are gonna be screams coming out of you, and it's not because you're on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.
- "The Contractor": Ray and Gianni make up by episode's end; Ray offers to pay for Gianni's services but he turns him down, saying he's making it up on a few other jobs. Suddenly, Robert bursts in and Gianni bolts out the front door. Robert runs after him, and before leaving, he warns Ray: "YOU'RE NEXT!"
- In "Peter on the Couch", Peter's stayed at Robert's and Amy's apartment for three days straight. This exchange occurs the third morning:
Peter: So, did you sleep okay?
Robert: Not especially.
Peter: Oy, I was out like a puppy in a pick-up truck. I gotta tell ya: That sofa is more comfortable than my own bed.
Robert: Mother of God.
Peter: Amy was wrong about you. You're not nice, you're not sensitive, and I'll tell you something else: You're not a gracious host.
- When Robert and Peter come to blows:
Robert: ...GET OUT OF MY UNDERWEAR!!!
"I'm sorry Peter, but we gave your room to Jesus."
- Pat McDougall, on she and Hank kicking Peter out and turning his room into a prayer and Bible study room:
Hank: (coming from downstairs) Pat, you wouldn't believe some of the filth he has down there. Have you ever heard of a thing called "Mad Magazine"?
- Also funny:
- Also at the end of the episode, Ray is playing Peter's harmonica. Debra casually asks, "Did you wash that off?" prompting Ray to literally lie down on the countertop sucking on the sink.
- In "The Surprise Party", Debra gets it out of Ray that he's planning a surprise party for her, and wants him to go with a Chinese theme. After excitedly saying she's going to call a restaurant to see if they do catering, Ray complains, "Great. Now she's too happy to have sex."
- In "The Bird", Pat puts a wounded bird out of its misery by snapping its neck. The MacDougalls think it's normal, while the Barones are horrified. Robert is firmly in the horrified camp, until Debra (who had been in the kitchen while this happened) asked, "What was Pat supposed to do? Perform surgery?" Then he changes his mind. Amy's reaction is priceless:
Amy: Now you think that?! When Debra says it, you listen! With me, you fight! What is WITH you?!
Robert: ...IT'S A CONFUSING ISSUE!
Frank: You're out of the family.
- In "Jazz Records", Ray stubbornly wants Frank to admit that CDs sound better than vinyl, so he sneaks into his house and sets up the CD player to play one of Frank's old jazz albums when he walks in. But something goes wrong and the album plays really loudly and the sound is distorted. It almost gives Frank a heart attack when he walks in.
Ray: I'm sorry. I wanted to give you the opportunity to hear your jazz records like you've never heard 'em before.
Frank: Yeah, that's like I've never heard 'em before!
- Later in the scene, Ray tries again, and Marie covers her ears in fear: "Oh, God, no! He's gonna turn it on again!"
- In "Debra at the Lodge", Debra sings "Put the Blame on Maim" to the (secretly perverted) old guys at the lodge, and Garvin makes a suggestion: Stand on top of the piano and sing it. Debra agrees, and one of the old men mutters, "Hurry up."
- In "Slave," Ray and Debra accidentally leave the twins at home after they each go to the store without telling the other. They, along with Marie, panic, especially when they discover Michael and Jeffery eating pancakes (implying that they used the stove; it turns out Ally made them). Frank, though, has his priorities straight: "I smell pancakes. Where are the pancakes?" He caps the scene off by devouring a few of the flapjacks, then announcing, "Delicious! I'm done. Bye. Come on, Marie, make me lunch."
Debra: Marie, Ally will be fine. I used to babysit when I was her age.
- When Marie finds out that Ally is essentially taking her place:
Marie: And you used to smoke, too, didn't you?
- When Frank instigates things by saying Ally should get paid for her housework, she tells Ally to go on strike until the demands are met. Marie says she'll do the housework for free. Frank asks her in a tough guy voice, "Yo, scab, you like your kneecaps?"
- In "Who's Side Are You On?", Ray and Debra have an argument at his parents' home about Debra cracking jokes with the kids about Ray's behavior.
Ray: "She bet the kids that I would do stupid stuff!"
Robert: "Are the betting windows still open?"
Marie: So men are allowed to do whatever they want, and the women just have to put up with it. This is the problem with America!
- This line from Robert: "Look! Up in the sky! It's bad husband!"
- This bit:
Frank: You're right, you should leave America!
Frank: Listen to me, Ray, your brother's a candy-pants. But guys like us, we've got to be strong. Because the truth is, your mother was gonna complain no matter what I did. So I figured, "To HELL with it. I'm gonna do what I want!" Right? Right! 'Cause the more the wife yammers, the more you can't listen. I've been through years of, "Why can't you be a better person?!" Look at me! (eating a cake with his bare hands) Am I a better person?
- Frank's advice to Ray is gold:
- "Party Dress": At the department store, Ray is aghast at the dress costing $250. The store clerk reminds him: "That's with the discount for mentioning Peggy's name."
Ray: All right, PeggyPeggyPeggyPeggyPeggy! How much is it now?
Ray: Tell that to Baron von Moneybags. (Debra)
- When Ray tells Amy how much the party dress costs, Amy questions how a dress that will only be worn once can be worth the cost.
- "Security" has several:
Marie: You know, there was a time when people cared what I think.
- Robert is trying to decide whether to retire from the police force and become a burglar alarm salesman, and Marie and Amy get into an argument on what he should choose. This leads to Amy (who thinks Robert should stay a cop) drawing a line in the sand:
Amy: You know what, Robert? I think I want to have your birthday party at our place.
Marie: That's all right. We'll have two parties: That one, and the official one. (indicating herself)
"Robbie, you should always trust that little voice in your head. Is your little voice saying, [sweetly] 'Retire!'? Or is it saying, [crazy nagging voice] 'Don't retire!'? Listen carefully."
- Marie leaves with a parting shot of incredible subtlety:
- Frank: One time my little voice told me not to do something. But I did it anyway. Now I'm stuck with a great big voice!
Ray: We don't have any liquor—
- Immediately after this, a disgruntled Amy asks the Barones where they keep their "after-Marie liquor".
Debra: Top cabinet, behind the cream of wheat.
Robert: Mom, I'm gonna stay a cop. Raymond said I should. (walks by her on the stairs)
- The ending:
Ray: (Marie slowly walks down the stairs towards Ray) Oh, all right, just take it easy. Listen, ma, just... I stopped him from being a dancer. ROBERT, TRIP THE ALARM!
- From "Crazy Chin:"
Marie: I want you to take a look at this. *pulls back curtain to show a despondent Robert on the living room couch*Ray: So? Hose him off, we'll roll him back in the ocean.
Robert: Oh God... it's like a "psycho" version of This Is Your Life.
- Everyone tries to remember when Robert first started doing the "touch chin with utensil before eating" move. Before one anecdote:
- In "The Nice Talk", Debra learns that Ray talked with Pat about a book idea he had. Ray's explanation for why he told Pat but not his own wife is priceless:
Ray: I didn't want to bother ya.
Robert: So, Mother MacDougall. Perhaps this might be a good opportunity to get to know each other a little bit better, huh?
- Marie, after an Easter service: "The Lord has risen, and now, my brunch."
- Robert tries to replicate Ray and Pat's nice talk, only to give up immediately:
Pat: Oh, I would like that, Robert.
Robert: So, um what's your favorite color?
(Pat stares at Robert, waiting for more)
Robert: ...I gotta go.
Robert: Can I ask ya? What is wrong with me? You talk to Raymond. I'm your son-in-law! I have a title: SON. IN LAW. He doesn't have a title, NO TITLE!!!
- Later, Robert grills Pat:
Hank: GOOD LORD, it was a Christmas party! I do not drink! I had no idea those little rum balls would trigger a slightly salty pirate impersonation!
- Everyone finding out what Ray and Pat talked about. One of the things Pat told Ray was all the interesting stories that happened in Hank's teacher's lounge:
Frank: Hot damn, Hank, I'm starting to like you!
- In "Blabbermouths", Ray casually mentions that he has a secret about Marie. Debra immediately snaps to attention.
Ray: Look at you. I've never seen you this excited in bed.
Ray: You know her, uh, famous homemade sauce?
- Then he spills the beans:
Ray: You wanna know the secret ingredient?
Ray: Gasoline... (Debra looks puzzled) ...which she puts in her car, to drive to Waldbaum's, to go to aisle six, to pick up a jar of Ragu!
Debra: No way!
Ray: Look I know it's a little early, but happy anniversary!
- In "The Model", Robert takes Ray to the place where he got his modeling pictures taken, only to discover it's been abandoned. When Robert is understandably confused, he reveals that he gave the photographers $1,000.
Ray: $1,000?! Are you nuts?!
Robert: It would've cost a lot more with one of those outside guys!
Ray: Look, you just tell them that you decided that this career was not for you. You're too much of a man.
Robert: Okay. But, see, they're expecting pictures. Amy knows I-I paid $1,500.
Ray: I thought you said $1,000!
Robert: I lied, okay, Raymond?! I'm a moron!
Ray: All right, so we'll get some new pictures made.
Robert: No, I can't. That was my last $2,000.
Robert: I KNOW!!!
Ray: Well $2,000? What were these, pictures or sculptures?
Robert: Maybe I'll just jump out the window, if it's really a window!
Frank: You didn't pay money for these, did you?
- When Ray takes pictures of Robert in the basement and passes them off as a professional photographer's, he shows the family and they're disgusted with the low quality.
Ray: What are you talking about?
Amy: Well, Robert, I think you're very handsome, but these pictures are kind of lousy.
Marie: I agree with Amy. You're a beautiful boy, Robbie, and these photos don't do you justice.
Amy: They're kind of out of focus.
Ray: They're not out of focus. Show me where they're out of focus. In fact, I don't know anything about photography, but these are the best pictures I've ever seen.
Debra: What about this one? The top of his head's cut off.
Ray: They're going for something! Open your mind!
Frank: Open the trash and throw these in.
- In "The Mentor", after Frank takes a giant chunk of ham with him to eat lunch at the lodge:
Marie: You know, why did I worry? Who else would sleep with him?
Ray: Did Dad and/or the ham ever come back?
- This bit:
Marie: One came back inside the other.
Frank: I hadn't seen him in thirty years. If you people go away for thirty years, I'll hug you too!
- When the others point out that Frank hugged Sammy, but never his own family:
Frank: Hey, you should see Sam's place. You know how many different kinds of envelopes he's got there?
- Frank comes back from Sam's store:
Frank: (annoyed) 32. Don't be a wise ass.
- The grim look on Frank when he's forced to do a group hug with Ray and Robert.
- "The Home": Ray, Debra, Robert, and Amy ecstatic about Frank and Marie moving to a retirement condo, celebrating in the kitchen so Frank and Marie don't hear them. At one point, Robert is so excited that he lifts Amy onto the top of the fridge. Ray tries the same thing with Debra but accidentally slams her into the fridge instead.
- "Not So Fast": Debra and Ray being told that Frank and Marie are being kicked out of the retirement condo:
Scott: I'm glad you came by. We need your parents to move out.
Debra: (shocked) ...What?
Scott: I'm sorry to be so blunt, but there have been a number of issues, and they need to go.
Ray: Wait a minute. You're kicking them out?
Debra: I don't understand. Frank and Marie seem incredibly happy here.
Scott: I assure you, they're the only ones. Your father's been tearing around on his golf cart endangering pedestrians. When our security guards warn your father, he turns his cart and aims for them. One time he shouted, uh "Hit the monkey, win a cookie!" If this were the only issue, we might be able to work through it. But your father's overall demeanor is... sort of like a maniac. One night we caught him inside the walk-in fridge eating an entire bologna. (mimes it)
Katie: But as bad as your father is...
Ray: Oh, boy.
Katie: ...your mother has brought the morale of our community to an all-time low.
Scott: Go ahead, Katie.
Katie: None of the other women want to be around her. You know, she has this way of appearing to give a compliment when actually she's insulting you! And she's critical of everything: Clothing, hair, cooking.
Debra: I don't know where this is coming from. Marie must be making some friends. Isn't she in the cast of "The Unsinkable Molly Brown"?
Katie: That is now a one-woman show. And when I tried to talk to her about all this, she said that my rude tone might be the reason I don't have a husband.
Scott: So, we'd like you to take them with you.
Katie: (on the verge of tears) We have people to help you pack.
Debra: Now hold on. We are not gonna sit here and listen to you run down these good people. I don't think you've even considered that the problem just may be everyone else. Frank and Marie Barone are fine, religious people. Sure, they might be opinionated, but I find that refreshing! And Marie may have bruised some feelings, but it's important to remember that everything she does comes from love.
Scott: I understand that you're upset.
Debra: (desperately) Please don't make us take them back!
Scott: I'm sorry-
Debra: Is it money? 'Cause we could pay more money.
Scott: No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We have to think of the entire community. See, our philosophy here is "Let's all be happy till the end."
Katie: Some of our residents have threatened to stop taking their medication.
Debra: I understand, but isn't there something that we just... something? Ray?
Ray: ...Can WE live here?
Marie: You two have turned my house into the Playboy Mansion!
- Marie thinks Robert's work-out equipment is a "sex machine".
Robert: Ma, we've hardly changed anything!
Robert: Was this your plan? Huh? You sat up there and you put me through everything and then let me end up like this? Well, let me tell you something, mister: You, are not, FUNNY!
- Ray and Robert get in a fight about where Frank and Marie should live, and Robert shouts, "How about I beat you with your own wife?!"
- Robert's Rage Against the Heavens when he realizes that, despite buying the house from Frank and Marie, they're going to move back in with them.
Debra: (to Ray) He does screw with him a lot.
Robert: Ma wants to know if you and Debra are coming over to watch the opera on television with them and us tomorrow night.
- The ending, where Amy and Robert look utterly drained and soul-crushed since Frank and Marie moved back in:
Ray: Nah I don't think so.
Robert: That's what I told her.
Debra: This is the saddest thing I've ever seen.
Amy: (walks in) Hey.
Debra: Hi, Amy. How's it going?
Amy: Marie wanted to make sure you knew before you decided, that Placido Domingo was singing this particular opera.
Debra: Oh, yeah? Thanks. But I don't think so.
Amy: That's what I told her.
(Amy and Robert reluctantly walk back across the street)
Ray: God IS funny.
- In "Ally's F", Amy's idea of a "rebellious teenager phase":
Amy: One time, in church choir, we were singing 'What a Friend We Have in Jesus', but my friend and I sang 'what a friend we have in Cheese-Its.'
Ally: Are all boys stupid?
- Ally opens up to Debra:
Ray: Hello? ... Who's this? ... Oh, Tooommyyyyyyy! You thought you could hide in the fridge! ... It makes plenty of sense! ... No, she is doing her math homework, and I suggest you do the same!
- Debra and Ray start off on opposite sides of the issue of Ally's behavior in school. By the end of the episode, they still are, but have completely swapped positions - Debra due to a second encounter with Ally's teacher that helped her see Ally's side of things, Ray because of the information that Ally was being distracted by a boy. When said boy calls asking for Ally, Ray picks up (after finding the ringing phone in the fridge, where Ally had thrown it earlier to hide that she was breaking the terms of her grounding):
(Hangs up, throws the phone back in the fridge, then takes it back out, and throws it in the freezer)
- After their first meeting with Mr. Putnam, Debra is defensive of him, to which Ray mutters "Why don't you marry him if you love him so much?" At the end of Debra's much less cordial second meeting with him, she leaves with a parting jab: "You are mean, and I wouldn't marry you."
- "Boys' Therapy": Marie, Amy, and Debra read the newspaper and discover that the therapist that Ray, Robert, and Frank have been claiming to go to (they were going to the track instead) passed away. When the trio present the guys with the obituary, Frank heads for the door.
Marie: Where do you think you're going, Frank?
Frank: The news is depressing, I'm gonna lie down.
Marie: Frank, you better take a good look at this section, 'cause you're gonna be in there tomorrow!
Ray: [looking at the paper] Well, maybe not tomorrow. Looks like it takes a week.
- "Debra's Parents": Ray tries confronting Warren and Lois about their fooling around:
Warren: Ray, we're not getting back together.
Ray: Yeah, but you guys were...
Warren: That doesn't mean we're back together.
Ray: So that was just-
Lois: (bluntly) SEX.
Ray: My God, it's like spring break up there!
- Debra briefly gets excited about her divorced parents possibly getting back together after Ray informs Debra he saw her parents having sex. But Ray breaks it to her: They're not getting back together; they're just having casual sex. Debra goes upstairs to talk to her parents about it; when she gets upstairs, she is heard yelling "Oh come on! (bolts down the stairs) They're doing it again!"
- Ray tells Debra's parents, "And buy a Scrabble board!"
- "A Job For Robert":
Ray: You think you're in your bedroom, but you're really in... THE INCUBATOR! (evil laugh)
- Ray observes all the subtle items that Marie has given Robert and Amy to get them in the love-making mood (and thus, giving her grand-kids).
Robert: You think she has this in her collection? (imitating Barry White) "Oh, take off that brassiere, my dear!"
- Robert notes that one of the items that Marie gave him was a Barry White CD.
Robert: I just can't. It's too much pressure for me. I can't breed in captivity!
- Robert tries to have sex with Amy but can't, because he still has Marie in his head. He then does a falsetto impression of her: "Go, Robbie, go!"
Marie: (comes in) I found a boomie-box.
Robert: WE'RE NOT ANIMALS!!!
Robert: I can't even do this for fifteen minutes.
- Marie purposefully walking with a limp to get sympathy from everyone so they'll do what she wants.
- The ending, when Robert rhythmically hits a chair on the floor, which sounds like bed-thumping from the other room.
- "A Date For Peter":
Robert: Why couldn't you just hire a bartender? The girl over there wanted a Singapore Sling. I don't know what the hell that is. I'm not Asian!
- Robert being forced to be the bartender at the cocktail party.
Robert: It's bad enough you ruined my life, but you had to do the same to my brother-in-law? You are a selfish ass, who walks among regular humans. But now it's time for everybody to see, that YOU. ARE. ASS. (Beat) Sssh... don't tell Amy, but Stefania's here.
- Then when Peter arrives, he tells Robert, "I think I will have a sloe gin fizz, barkeep." Robert dryly replies, "You'll have a beer."
- Frank, to Ray: "What's your problem, stupid?"
- Ray accuses Debra of inviting Peggy to the cocktail party solely because she wants a partner in her on-going fight against her enemy. Marie, clueless, asks, "Who's that??" To avoid answering the question, Debra screams, "YOU ARE RUINING THIS FOR PETER!!!"
- After Peter and Peggy leave separately, Robert (half drunk) approaches Ray:
- In "The Faux Pas", Ray learns the proper terminology for janitor:
George: Now that you mention it, we prefer the term "custodian".
Ray: Right. "Custodian". I meant custodian.
Debra: (to George) I always say "custodian".
Ray: (defensively) I've said "custodian"!
Ray: And you started reading him his rights, but he just kept flashing gang signs, making you madder and madder. He wasn't breaking the law, was he?
- Ray trying to deflect the criticism off himself by re-telling the story about how Robert arrested someone for "flashing gang signs":
Ray: What was he doing?
Robert: ...He was being deaf.
Ray: Fee Fi Faux Pas!
Robert: Oh God, I still remember. (doing sign language) I'm so, so, sorry.
Debra: This is Chris' dad George.
- When Marie and Frank come in and meet the twins' friend's dad:
Frank: The janitor?? Marie, you said he was black!
Marie: No I didn't!
Frank: What are you talking about?!
Marie: No, I said he was African-American!
(everyone gasps again)
Frank: Okay. What are you arguing for?
Marie: It's just, well well, I you know, I think it's wonderful that anyone can be a janitor now.
George: It's okay, I really have to go.
Debra: I want to assure you that Marie does not speak for all of us.
Frank: No, she just speaks more than all of us.
Marie: Who are you to talk?! You came in saying "black"!
Ray: (appalled) Oh my GOD!
Amy: Chris and his dad are outside and he asked me to get his keys for him. It seemed like he doesn't want to come back inside.
- The final scene in the episode. Even the most ardent haters of this episode have to admit that the slooooow reveal of Marie behind the door, and the cold stare that Marie gives Amy as the episode ends is just amazing.
Robert: I don't blame him. It was kind of a nightmare.
Amy: Oh yeah? Did your mother come over and make things worse, as usual?
- "Favors": Marie's epic speech when Ray accuses her of being controlling by forcing them to do favors for her so she'll keep their secrets:
Marie: Excuse me. Did I ask you all to come to me and ask for these favors? You come to me because you know that I can deliver. Go out on the street and ask for those favors and see what you get. And so, yes maybe sometimes I ask for a favor in return, once in a blue moon. And you call that controlling? I call that a family.
Amy: A Mafia family...
Marie: Is that what you think, Amy?
Amy: (nervous smile) ...I'm sorry.
- In "Sister-in-Law":
Robert: I know what this is: I got something good, and you can't stand it. Oh, you never could. Remember when I made that diorama in Mr. Carolan's history class? Everybody said how great it was, everybody! I won a prize! But you said it stunk!Ray: You had George Washington fighting a dinosaur.Robert: (shouting) IT WAS A DRAGON, RAYMOND, THAT REPRESENTED YEARS OF BRITISH TYRANNY! Which just goes to show how stupid you were then, and now.Ray: Robert, I didn't-Robert: Everybody thinks my wife is great, EVERYBODY!!!
Robert: (to Amy) Did you tell them about my pedicures?Amy: No, Robert. (Ray walks into the living room)Ray: (from other room) Robert paints his feet like a lady!Frank: (also from other room) Holy crap!
- When Amy apologizes to Ray about the other day: "Let me get this straight: Ray insults you, but you get mad at me and then you apologize to him? What are you, taking lessons from my mom?! (Marie looks offended) ...Who I love?!"
- At the end of the episode, Robert demands to know what Ray and Amy were talking about in the kitchen:
- In "The Power of No", Ray strolling into the bedroom in satin underpants, trying to seduce Debra.
- Another funny bit that's not often brought up: At the start of this scene, when Debra enters the bedroom in her skimpy lingerie, she seductively says, "Okay, well goodn-" and turns around, only to realize Ray's not even in the room.
- "Pat's Secret": The glassy-eyed look on Pat's face when she confesses to everyone that she smokes. Even better is Peter's childlike reaction: "Mama?"
Amy: Just you know how you always have to have your toothbrush in the holder always facing to the right?
- Amy confesses a secret to Robert:
Robert: Yeah, east.
Amy: Right, "east". So, sometimes, I don't know why... (mischievous smile) I turn it. West.
Robert: (aghast) THAT'S YOU?!?!
- And in the series finale, Ray imagines Debra's thoughts if he had passed away while in the operating room.
Ray: "Oh, well, now I'm a widow! I guess I have to raise three kids on my own. On the other hand, I guess I could start dating again. I need a new pair of shoes. Hey, you know who's cute? Gianni!"
Marie: (appalled) Debra!
Marie: Oh, my sweet Raymond!Ray: Would somebody please tell me why my worst nightmare is coming true?!?!?!
- In the same episode, Marie hugging and kissing Ray (on his bed, mind you) after she found out Ray almost died on the operating table.
Debra: [resigned] I knew one day this would happen.
- Also, she does this just as Ray and Debra were getting ready to, *ahem*, make use of the bed...