In "Ray's on TV", after Ray's disastrous second appearance on a sports show:
Frank: I could've eaten a box of Alpha Bits and crapped a better interview.
In "Father Knows Least", Ray pretends to be a little kid so Debra can practice her active listening technique, but Ray is overly difficult ("You're a member of this family, and we help each other." "Yeah well, tough noogies.")
Debra: Time out. Time out. Are you being Ray the little kid, or Ray the big ass?
Ray: I'd like to be both.
In "Six Feet Under", Frank singing "I Left My Heart in San Francisco".
Frank: "Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. My wife thinks I'm in the bathroom."
In "Good Girls", after Ray, Debra, and Robert find out that Marie wasn't such a "good girl".
Marie: "Frank and I... succumbed to temptation once. Just once before we were married! I-I was weak... and I fell for your father's boyish good looks... that was a long time ago. I knew we shouldn't have done what we did! But we were in love. Right, Frank?" Frank:I wanted sex.
And the scene continues to deliver:
Debra: "So it was just the once and then you got married?" Frank: "It was just the once and then we HAD to get married." Marie: "FRANK, NO!" Ray: "Woah, woah, had to get married? Wait, so Robert's..." Robert: "What?" [beat] Robert: "...Oh."
From "Traffic School", we have Robert's presentation with the dummy, "Timmy".
Debra: "Come on, Ray, this was YOUR idea [to have Robert's session be more fun]." Ray: "...Did anybody hear me say "puppet?"
"Timmy" asks Marie to give the instructions on how to properly back out. After doing so:
Marie: "That's it!" "Timmy": "Ohhh, that's it. (Turns to Robert) She thinks that's it." Robert: "Isn't that everything, Timmy?" "Timmy": 'Oh, sure, that's everything. But how about making sure your first-born child is in the car before pulling out of a gas station in NEW MEXICO?!"
Ray: "....That's awfully specific."
Followed immediately by:
Marie: "Robbie, that was 30 years ago!" "Timmy": "Oh, yeah. Great family road trip, going to see the Grand Canyon. Frank stops to get some gas and you all drive off while Robert's still in the men's room?" Frank: "How would you know? You weren't there!" Ray: "We got a real battle of wits going on here."
In "All I Want For Christmas", Debra keeps giving Ray signals that she wants to have sex with him later, which makes Ray all hot and bothered. In one scene, Debra gets up close to fix Ray's button, when all of a sudden Marie sneaks up behind Ray and quietly says, "I need you, Raymond." Of course, she didn't mean it in a sexual context, but it made Ray all flustered for obvious reasons.
In "Robert's Date", Robert tries to become "hip".
Frank: "I'm talkin' to you on the phone the other day; I can't even understand what the hell you're saying anymore! What did you call me "dog" for?!" Robert: "That's a nice thing, Dad! You say it to your friends! That means I like you!" Frank:"Oh yeah? Well, from now on, I'm callin' you "Jackass"! That means he's great!" Ray: (enters) "Hey." Frank: "Hey, "Ugly"!" Ray: "W-what's that all about?" Frank: "That's "Robert-Talk". That means you're good looking! (looks at Marie) Hey, good looking!"
From the same episode, when Judy and her friends begin to get uncomfortable with Robert hanging around them because he's acting too "ethnic" (hint - Judy is black), she volunteers Ray to explain the situation to him. His response to Robert's dismay is pure gold.
Robert: "That is so whack!" Ray: "Right there, see? That's what I'm talking about. We're Italian, Robert. "Whack" means something else to us."
Ray: What are you doing? Robert: Ah, nothing, just here to help out ally with her report on Harriet Tubman. (guilt-tripping) You know, it's Black History Month. Ray: Thank you, Superfly. Robert: What? Ray: Nothing, it's just, uh, I never seen you so... stylin'. Robert: Just some new clothes, that's all. Gotta get out more, mah brutha.
In "The Toaster", Ray finds his parents returned his Christmas gift, a toaster engraved with a message from his whole family, without opening it. After telling them what it said, Frank, who's not yet fully awake, replies, "It spoke?"
In the same episode:
Frank: "Can't you ever just be quiet?!"
Marie: "Don't you tell me to be quiet! I have a mind of my own you know! I can contribute! I'm not just some... trophy wife!"
[beat, Frank looks at Marie incredulously]
Frank: "You're a trophy wife? ... ... ...What contest in Hell did I win?"
One of the funniest moments in the series is in "Moving Out", when Ray comes home from work and begins to talk about his exhausting day. Marie comes up behind him and silently gives him a back rub. Ray thinks it's Debra and turns to kiss her, but is horrified when he sees it's Marie and falls off his chair to the floor. The timing on his reaction is just perfect.
Ray: What are you doing?!?!
Marie: Trying to help you relax!
Pretty much the entirety of "Ray Home Alone"'s third act, especially the scene where Ray and Robert hide in the closet, waiting to scare Frank. Then Frank says, "Hey, you know what we haven't done in a while?" Ray and Robert realize this means he's about to have sex with Marie, and bolt out of the closet in horror when Frank says, "Ohhhhhh yeeeaaaahhhhh...." But it turns out Frank was just talking to himself, as he knew they were in the closet the whole time.
In "The Apartment", Ray is stoked about the outdoor jacuzzi: "Jacuzzi! Jacuzzi, jacuzzi, bubbles in my hiney!"
Pretty much the entire last act of "Sex Talk", especially these moments:
When Marie finally admits that she enjoys sex. Robert happens to walk in at that moment, and is weirded out. He then slowly walks out of the room as Marie keeps discussing it:
Marie: It's obvious I'm a woman, and I have needs like any other woman. And if I'm still fortunate enough to enjoy the pleasures of sex, well then I'm going to! Robert: (from other room, annoyed) Oh God...
When Ray asks how Frank and Marie can have sex twice a week at their age, Frank responds, "Hey, I don't work anymore; what else do I gotta do?" Marie adds: "And you're forgetting the most important thing about the sex!" Debra worriedly remarks, "Oh God...", thinking Too Much Information is about to be shared.
In the aptly-titled episode "Debra Makes Something Good", Frank "cheating" on Marie with Debranote 's braciole, even coming to the house with flowers for her.
Frank: "Anyone who can make braciole like this deserves a whole hillside full of heavenly-scented marigolds and daffodils."
In the same vein as "Brother", this bit in "Cousin Gerard":
Marie: I think you could do this one thing for me, while I'm still here...
Ray: You mean, "in the kitchen"? (Marie looks offended)
The whole scene where Ray "works on" Gerard to make him less like Ray, but especially the bit where Ray tries to teach Gerard how to say "now" without an accent:
Gerard: Right nyow. Ray: All right, what does a cat say? Gerard: ...You mean a talking cat??
In "Debra's Workouts" when Ray says he had sex three times this week:
Gianni: I think you're confusing sex with showering.
In "Hackidu", Marie displays her uncanny knowledge of a children's card game.
Marie: What card did she have?
Ray: I don't know... Scrami-something-or-other...
Marie: A Scramisaur?
Debra: You know about this stuff?
Marie: A little. Scramisaur is the fastest creature on Hackidu Mountain. He starts off as a Slugglewog, very slow, and he can only evolve into Scramisaur if he gets the Sonic Crystal. That's why Scramisaurs are so rare and valuable.
[beat, everyone stares]
Marie: I'm Grandma. I have this, and candy.
From "What's With Robert?", Frank had a Gay Moment in the war.
"Our coats were insufficient. It was huddle or die!"
In "Christmas Present", Marie inquires about the DVD player that Ray received:
In "Silent Partners": "Imagine a rain so beautiful, it must never have existed."
Warren and Lois' imitations of each other in "Fighting In-Laws."
In "What Good Are You?", after Debra chokes and Ray just sits there:
Debra: Y'know, is it too much to ask for you to save my life once in a while? I mean, I think it's the least you could do.
In "The Sneeze", when Ray is sick in bed:
Ray: Ma tell you about the guy sneezing on me? Frank: (unsympathetically) Yeah yeah, Shirley.
"The Canister", the whole thing. But particularly Debra's "what if" speech to Ray and Robert if she returns Marie's borrowed canister (which Debra didn't say she had):
Debra: Nobody's gonna stop me?! Nobody cares what happens to me? Or or not even to me, but let's just say I bring this thing back, and you know, she's always right. And she has more power than ever. Like when you (to Robert) say, "Mom, I don't want to marry that girl. I think you're wrong about her." "Oh? Was I wrong about the CANISTER?" Or you, (to Ray) when you say, "Mom, you know, I don't think you should move in with us now that dad has passed." "Oh, have you forgotten about the CANISTER?!"
After Debra throws out the canister:
Ray: Devil, thy name is woman.
In "The Breakup Tape", Ray wonders just what presents Debra's past boyfriends had given her over the years.
Ray: "Is there anything in here [the bedroom] I should know about?!" Debra: "...The picture frame." Ray: "....THAT'S AROUND A PICTURE OF OUR CHILDREN! (Beat) Waaaaaaaaaait..." Debra: "They're our kids, Ray!"
Another such present was a poem entitled "Debra's Eyes". When, the next morning, Ray takes it upon himself to get some "new, better things" (i.e. replacements for all of the gifts), he also takes his own stab at romantic poetry:
"Debra's Ears One on each side, like a dainty cup So gently they hold thine sunglasses up. So round and nice, with a subtle ridge There's no bone in there, it's cartilage."
Many moments from "Older Women", the episode where Debra's divorced father arrives at Thanksgiving with his new girlfriend, who turns out to be a lot older than him. Most of them from Frank, including this line:
"Kill is going to Debra you!"
One of the show's classic moments, in "Marie's Sculpture", after Marie finally realizes a sculpture she made resembles a certain part of the female anatomy.
Marie: ...Oh my God, I'm a lesbian.
In "Snow Day", a slightly drunk Ray is trying to convince Debra that she should consider herself better than his family, pointing out all their annoying habits. When he gets to Robert, he lists off some of his quirks, eventually arriving at, "He separates his 'Good&Plenties' into 'Goods' and 'Plenties'!" He pushes a reluctant Robert to explain which is which...
Robert: ...The pinks are the "Goods"... and the whites are the "Plenties". Because there's always more of them. And they're not as good. [beat] And then there's a third category of "irregulars".
Ray: [grinning] And they're called?
In "Season's Greetings", as the family is sitting around and making fun of other families' Christmas letters:
Frank: (reading) "Is it Christmas already? With our trip to colonial Williamsburg, remodeling the living room, and Denny's successful run for city council, the months have just flown by!" City council of what city? Jackassville?
From "The Kicker:"
Frank: Come on, Robert, tell it like you're not a gelding.
Debra: Frank, that's a record for the school. You know it's not right to keep that, don't you?
Robert: Don't bother, Deb. His soul was removed to make room for more stomach.
The whole radio scene.
Robert: *runs in with the radio* They're talking about Dad!
Caller: You wanna know what that guy is? I'll tell ya - he's a jackass!
Debra: *gasps* They are talking about him!
When Frank says he'll give the ball back for ten thousand dollars:
Host: So, Dave on line one, what do you think?
Caller: I think this Frank deserves to be kicked sixty-eight yards!
Marie: Finally, a voice of reason!
When Frank says on air that he is Ray's father, Ray screams in frustration and smashes the radio into Marie's cake.
When the rest of the family is trying to get the ball back to Hofstra, Robert throws it across the street to Ray and accidentally throws it straight through a window. Ray stands there staring at it for a good twenty seconds with an "Are you freaking kidding me?" look on his face.
This, solely for the image it puts in your head:
Marie: You can't print that! You don't attack your family in public!
Ray: What are you talking about?! You took a swing at him at the mall last week!
Marie: *dismissively* That's different, he was doing skits in the lingerie store.
In "Robert Needs Money", when Robert and Ray are arguing over the thousand dollars Ray gifted him to pay for bills (Which Robert used to go to Las Vegas), Robert compares the money to the gift of a chair: "Here, Robert, I gave you this chair. Don't sit like this, sit like this!" It's the voice he uses.
Also, after Ray declares that if Robert uses the $1,000 he gave him on a trip to Vegas, they're no longer brothers, Frank speaks up. You think he's going to make a point that money shouldn't come between people, but he's just being cheap:
Frank: You know... I once lost a friend over $50. And I'll tell ya. Sometimes, when I'm driving... I still think about that $50.
In "She's the One", Ray just witnesses Robert's new girlfriend do something very disturbing after dinner at their house and tells Robert and Debra in the kitchen:
"The fly that was flying around, Angela killed it, it fell on the table, she put it in a napkin, and then she AAATE IIIT!!"
Even better, before that, when Angela ate the fly, Ray stared at her, horrified, for a full two minutes.
In the same episode, Frank's thoughts on Robert escaping Angela's apartment by climbing out the window.
"There's nothing humiliating about going out the window. If your mother's apartment had been one floor lower, we wouldn't be having this conversation."
In "The Sigh", Ray and Debra are in Debra's redecorated bathroom complaining about each other's annoying habits, right down to the way either one sneezes.
Ray: You don't sneeze! You try to stop it! You keep going, "Ah-hah-haaaah-NYIT! Ah-NYIT!" Debra: So I should just go ahead and spray everything like you! You sneeze like it's a big Broadway musical finale! "Aaah-choo! Aaah-choo! Ah-CHOOOOOOOO! Good night, everybody! Enjoy my mucus!"
In "Marie's Vision", when Marie is faced with evidence even she can't deny that her eyesight is failing, she sadly walks out of the room. Cut to Ray, Debra and Robert looking concerned and sympathetic. Then cut to Frank.
Frank: [HUGE evil grin] "Let's hide."
Another great bit from "Marie's Vision": Robert talking funny because he put injections in his face to decrease wrinkles:
Debra: Robert did you get botox?
Robert: Terhats ("perhaps").
Ray: "Turd hats"??
In "Sleepover at Peggy's" when Ray says that Peggy tapped his butt:
Gianni: The cookie lady fondled you?
In "The Shower", during Debra's meeting to get her driver's license back:
Frank: (turns to Ray) She shoulda lawyer'd up. Ray: ...You didn't brush your teeth today, did you, dad?
In "The Disciplinarian," after Robert tells Frank and Marie that Ray used to sneak out of the house at night and the two laugh and reminisce about it, Ray casually says, "Oh, by the way, Robert did it too." Robert freaks out and screams "HE'S LYYYYYYYIIING!"
The part where Ray talks about how Robert stole some peppermint schnapps from Frank's padlocked liquor cabinet by moving it away from the wall and popping out the back panel. Frank and Marie's priorities differ a little:
Marie: You drank?
Frank: You popped out the back panel?!
In "Peter on the Couch", Pat McDougall, on she and Hank kicking Peter out and turning his room into a prayer and Bible study room:
"I'm sorry Peter, but we gave your room to Jesus."
Hank: (coming from downstairs) Pat, you wouldn't believe some of the filth he has down there. Have you ever heard of a thing called "Mad Magazine"?
In "Who's Side Are You On?", Ray and Debra have an argument at his parents' home about Debra cracking jokes with the kids about Ray's behavior.
Ray: "She bet the kids that I would do stupid stuff!" Robert: "Are the betting windows still open?"
Frank's advice to Ray is gold:
Frank: Listen to me, Ray, your brother's a candy-pants. But guys like us, we've got to be strong. Because the truth is, your mother was gonna complain no matter what I did. So I figured, "To HELL with it. I'm gonna do what I want!" Right? Right! 'Cause the more the wife yammers, the more you can't listen. I've been through years of, "Why can't you be a better person?!" Look at me! (eating a cake with his bare hands) Am I a better person?
"Security" has several:
Robert is trying to decide whether to retire from the police force and become a burglar alarm salesman, and Marie and Amy get into an argument on what he should choose. Marie leaves with a parting shot of incredible subtlety:
"Robbie, you should always trust that little voice in your head. Is your little voice saying, [sweetly] 'Retire!' Or is it saying, [crazy nagging voice] 'Don't retire!' Listen carefully."
Frank: One time my little voice told me not to do something. But I did it anyway. Now I'm stuck with a great big voice!
"One time, in church choir, we were singing 'What a Friend We Have in Jesus', but my friend and I sang 'what a friend we have in Cheese-Its.'"
In "The Power of No", Ray strolling into the bedroom in satin underpants, trying to seduce Debra.
In "A Job For Robert", Marie purposefully walking with a limp to get sympathy from everyone so they'll do what she wants.
Robert: I know what this is: I got something good, and you can't stand it. Oh, you never could. Remember when I made that diorama in Mr. Carolan's history class? Everybody said how great it was, everybody! I won a prize! But you said it stunk!
Ray: You had George Washington fighting a dinosaur.
Robert: (shouting) IT WAS A DRAGON, RAYMOND, THAT REPRESENTED YEARS OF BRITISH TYRANNY! Which just goes to show how stupid you were then, and now.
Ray: Robert, I didn't-
Robert: Everybody thinks my wife is great, EVERYBODY!!!
At the end of the episode, Robert demands to know what Ray and Amy were talking about in the kitchen:
Robert: (to Amy) Did you tell them about my pedicures?
Amy: No, Robert. (Ray walks into the living room)
Ray: (from other room) Robert paints his feet like a lady!
Frank: (also from other room) Holy crap!
And in the series finale, Ray imagines Debra's thoughts if he had passed away while in the operating room.
Ray: "Oh, well, now I'm a widow! I guess I have to raise three kids on my own. On the other hand, I guess I could start dating again. I need a new pair of shoes. Hey, you know who's cute? Gianni!" Marie:(appalled)Debra!
In the same episode, Marie hugging and kissing Ray (on his bed, mind you) after she found out Ray almost died on the operating table.
Marie: Oh, my sweet Raymond!
Ray: Would somebody please tell me why my worst nightmare is coming true?!?!?!
Also, she does this just as Ray and Debra were getting ready to, *ahem*, make use of the bed...
Debra: [resigned] I knew one day this would happen.