History Funny / EverybodyLovesRaymond

11th Jan '17 3:21:34 PM huberd
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-->'''Ray:''' Wait, Frank ''Barone''?\\
'''Priest:''' You know Frank Barone?\\
'''Ray:''' He's my father!\\
'''Priest:''' Your parents are Frank and Marie Barone?!\\
'''Ray:''' Yeah!\\
'''Priest:''' ''[deadpan]'' ...You're absolved.

to:

-->'''Ray:''' -->'''Ray''': Wait, Frank ''Barone''?\\
'''Priest:''' '''Priest''': You know Frank Barone?\\
'''Ray:''' '''Ray''': He's my father!\\
'''Priest:''' '''Priest''': Your parents are Frank and Marie Barone?!\\
'''Ray:''' '''Ray''': Yeah!\\
'''Priest:''' '''Priest''': ''[deadpan]'' ...You're absolved.



-->'''Frank:''' "Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. My wife thinks I'm in the bathroom."

to:

-->'''Frank:''' "Thank -->'''Frank''': Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. My wife thinks I'm in the bathroom."



-->'''Marie:''' Frank and I... succumbed to temptation once. Just once before we were married! I-I was weak... and I fell for your father's boyish good looks... [[TakeThat that was a long time ago.]] I knew we shouldn't have done what we did! But we were in love. Right, Frank?\\
'''Frank:''' [[DeadpanSnarker I wanted sex.]]

to:

-->'''Marie:''' -->'''Marie''': Frank and I... succumbed to temptation once. Just once before we were married! I-I was weak... and I fell for your father's boyish good looks... [[TakeThat that was a long time ago.]] I knew we shouldn't have done what we did! But we were in love. Right, Frank?\\
'''Frank:''' '''Frank''': [[DeadpanSnarker I wanted sex.]]



--> '''Debra:''' So it was just the once and then you got married?\\
'''Frank:''' It was just the once and then [[ShotgunWedding we HAD to get married.]]\\
'''Marie:''' FRANK, NO!\\
'''Ray:''' Woah, woah, ''had'' to get married? Wait a minute, so Robert's...\\
'''Robert:''' What?\\

to:

--> '''Debra:''' '''Debra''': So it was just the once and then you got married?\\
'''Frank:''' '''Frank''': It was just the once and then [[ShotgunWedding we HAD to get married.]]\\
'''Marie:''' '''Marie''': FRANK, NO!\\
'''Ray:''' '''Ray''': Woah, woah, ''had'' to get married? Wait a minute, so Robert's...\\
'''Robert:''' '''Robert''': What?\\



-->'''Debra:''' Come on, Ray, this was YOUR idea [to have Robert's session be more fun].\\
'''Ray:''' ...Did anybody hear me say "puppet?

to:

-->'''Debra:''' -->'''Debra''': Come on, Ray, this was YOUR idea [to have Robert's session be more fun].\\
'''Ray:''' ...'''Ray''': ...Did anybody hear me say "puppet?



--->'''Marie:''' That's it!\\
'''"Timmy":''' Ohhh, that's it. (Turns to Robert) She thinks that's it.\\
'''Robert:''' Isn't that everything, Timmy?\\
'''"Timmy":''' Oh, sure, that's everything. But how about making sure your first-born child is in the car before pulling out of a gas station in NEW MEXICO?!
--->'''Ray:''' ...That's awfully specific.

to:

--->'''Marie:''' --->'''Marie''': That's it!\\
'''"Timmy":''' '''"Timmy"''': Ohhh, that's it. (Turns to Robert) She thinks that's it.\\
'''Robert:''' '''Robert''': Isn't that everything, Timmy?\\
'''"Timmy":''' '''"Timmy"''': Oh, sure, that's everything. But how about making sure your first-born child is in the car before pulling out of a gas station in NEW MEXICO?!
--->'''Ray:''' ...--->'''Ray''': ...That's awfully specific.



--->'''Marie:''' Robbie, that was 30 years ago!\\
'''"Timmy":''' Oh, yeah. Great family road trip, going to see the Grand Canyon. Frank stops to get some gas and you all drive off while Robert's still in the men's room?\\
'''Frank:''' How would you know? You weren't there!\\
'''Ray:''' We got a real battle of wits going on here.

to:

--->'''Marie:''' --->'''Marie''': Robbie, that was 30 years ago!\\
'''"Timmy":''' '''"Timmy"''': Oh, yeah. Great family road trip, going to see the Grand Canyon. Frank stops to get some gas and you all drive off while Robert's still in the men's room?\\
'''Frank:''' '''Frank''': How would you know? You weren't there!\\
'''Ray:''' '''Ray''': We got a real battle of wits going on here.



--->'''Ray:''' Remember when Mom used to follow me to school?\\
'''Robert:''' Oh, yeah. She used to hide from tree to tree.\\
'''Ray:''' Wait... so... THAT'S THE CRAZY TREE LADY FROM THE DREAM! I just had one four nights ago! So... the jumping canoe guy is...\\
'''Robert:''' Dad!

to:

--->'''Ray:''' --->'''Ray''': Remember when Mom used to follow me to school?\\
'''Robert:''' '''Robert''': Oh, yeah. She used to hide from tree to tree.\\
'''Ray:''' '''Ray''': Wait... so... THAT'S THE CRAZY TREE LADY FROM THE DREAM! I just had one four nights ago! So... the jumping canoe guy is...\\
'''Robert:''' '''Robert''': Dad!



--->'''Frank:''' Not so funny without his head, is he?!
--->'''Robert:''' What'd you do, Dad? I need that!

to:

--->'''Frank:''' --->'''Frank''': Not so funny without his head, is he?!
--->'''Robert:''' --->'''Robert''': What'd you do, Dad? I need that!



--->'''Frank:''' (EvilLaugh)

to:

--->'''Frank:''' --->'''Frank''': (EvilLaugh)



-->'''Marie:''' Go ahead, keep laughing. One of these days, you'll turn around, and I won't be here.

to:

-->'''Marie:''' -->'''Marie''': Go ahead, keep laughing. One of these days, you'll turn around, and I won't be here.



-->'''Ray:''' Not today!
-->'''Robert:''' HA!

to:

-->'''Ray:''' -->'''Ray''': Not today!
-->'''Robert:''' -->'''Robert''': HA!



-->'''Judy:''' No getaway car. ''[to the criminal]'' [[KickThemWhileTheyAreDown Got no friends?]]

to:

-->'''Judy:''' -->'''Judy''': No getaway car. ''[to the criminal]'' [[KickThemWhileTheyAreDown Got no friends?]]



-->'''Marie:''' He's like an animal, marking his territory! ''[Frank pokes her with the fork]'' Ow!\\
'''Frank:''' What? That's a compliment!\\
'''Ray:''' ''God'', I wish this was the wrong house.

to:

-->'''Marie:''' -->'''Marie''': He's like an animal, marking his territory! ''[Frank pokes her with the fork]'' Ow!\\
'''Frank:''' '''Frank''': What? That's a compliment!\\
'''Ray:''' '''Ray''': ''God'', I wish this was the wrong house.



--> '''Frank:''' "Can't you ever just be quiet?!"
--> '''Marie:''' "Don't you tell me to be quiet! I have a mind of my own you know! I can contribute! I'm not just some... ''trophy wife!''"

to:

--> '''Frank:''' "Can't '''Frank''': Can't you ever just be quiet?!"
quiet?!
--> '''Marie:''' "Don't '''Marie''': Don't you tell me to be quiet! I have a mind of my own you know! I can contribute! I'm not just some... ''trophy wife!''"wife!''



--> '''Frank:''' "''You're'' a trophy wife? ...What contest in ''Hell'' did I win?"

to:

--> '''Frank:''' "''You're'' '''Frank''': ''You're'' a trophy wife? ...What contest in ''Hell'' did I win?"win?



-->'''Ray:''' ''YOU'RE A SICK MAN!!''
-->'''Robert:''' ''WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU!?!''
-->'''Ray:''' ''I'll tell you, I'll tell you what's wrong with him!! He's a SICK MAN!!''

to:

-->'''Ray:''' -->'''Ray''': ''YOU'RE A SICK MAN!!''
-->'''Robert:''' -->'''Robert''': ''WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU!?!''
-->'''Ray:''' -->'''Ray''': ''I'll tell you, I'll tell you what's wrong with him!! He's a SICK MAN!!''



-->'''Debra:''' You talking about it made me really hungry for it!\\
'''Ray:''' Oh, yeah? ''[beat]'' [[WhatAnIdiot ...Actually, I just had Chinese today.]]\\
'''Gianni:''' ''[weary]'' Oh, my god.

to:

-->'''Debra:''' -->'''Debra''': You talking about it made me really hungry for it!\\
'''Ray:''' '''Ray''': Oh, yeah? ''[beat]'' [[WhatAnIdiot ...Actually, I just had Chinese today.]]\\
'''Gianni:''' '''Gianni''': ''[weary]'' Oh, my god.



-->'''Ray:''' Are you supposed to shave here?\\
'''Deb:''' You... can if you want to.\\
'''Ray:''' Well, what do ''you'' do?\\
'''Deb:''' Sorry, I don't have that problem. I evolved. (Walks out)\\
'''Ray:''' ... into a meaner person.

to:

-->'''Ray:''' -->'''Ray''': Are you supposed to shave here?\\
'''Deb:''' '''Debra''': You... can if you want to.\\
'''Ray:''' '''Ray''': Well, what do ''you'' do?\\
'''Deb:''' '''Debra''': Sorry, I don't have that problem. I evolved. (Walks out)\\
'''Ray:''' ...'''Ray''': ... into a meaner person.



-->'''Frank:''' Anyone who can make braciole like this deserves a whole hillside full of heavenly-scented marigolds and daffodils.

to:

-->'''Frank:''' -->'''Frank''': Anyone who can make braciole like this deserves a whole hillside full of heavenly-scented marigolds and daffodils.



-->'''Ray:''' Am I stupid?\\
'''Debra:''' ''(deadpan)'' If this is your new way of asking for sex, then yes.

to:

-->'''Ray:''' -->'''Ray''': Am I stupid?\\
'''Debra:''' '''Debra''': ''(deadpan)'' If this is your new way of asking for sex, then yes.



-->'''Marie:''' ...Oh my God, I'm a lesbian.

to:

-->'''Marie:''' ...-->'''Marie''': ...Oh my God, I'm a lesbian.



-->'''Janitor:''' If you ask me, it looks like a *whispers*

to:

-->'''Janitor:''' -->'''Janitor''': If you ask me, it looks like a *whispers*



-->'''Frank:''' ...Holy crap!

to:

-->'''Frank:''' ...-->'''Frank''': ...Holy crap!



-->'''Ray:''' Is there anything in ''here'' [the bedroom] I should know about?!\\
'''Debra:''' ...The picture frame.\\
'''Ray:''' ....THAT'S AROUND A PICTURE OF OUR CHILDREN! (Beat) ''Waaaaaaaaaait...''\\
'''Debra:''' ''They're our kids, Ray!''

to:

-->'''Ray:''' -->'''Ray''': Is there anything in ''here'' [the bedroom] I should know about?!\\
'''Debra:''' ...'''Debra''': ...The picture frame.\\
'''Ray:''' ....'''Ray''': ....THAT'S AROUND A PICTURE OF OUR CHILDREN! (Beat) ''Waaaaaaaaaait...''\\
'''Debra:''' '''Debra''': ''They're our kids, Ray!''



-->'''Ray:''' You don't sneeze! You try to stop it! You keep going, "Ah-hah-haaaah-NYIT! Ah-NYIT!"\\
'''Debra:''' So I should just go ahead and spray everything like you! You sneeze like it's a big Broadway musical finale! "Aaah-''choo!'' Aaah-''choo!'' Ah-''CHOOOOOOOO!'' Good night, everybody! Enjoy my mucus!"

to:

-->'''Ray:''' -->'''Ray''': You don't sneeze! You try to stop it! You keep going, "Ah-hah-haaaah-NYIT! Ah-NYIT!"\\
'''Debra:''' '''Debra''': So I should just go ahead and spray everything like you! You sneeze like it's a big Broadway musical finale! "Aaah-''choo!'' Aaah-''choo!'' Ah-''CHOOOOOOOO!'' Good night, everybody! Enjoy my mucus!"



--> '''Robert:''' Hey, Ray. Hey, Debra. (beat) Debra? Oh my God, she finally killed Ma.

to:

--> '''Robert:''' '''Robert''': Hey, Ray. Hey, Debra. (beat) Debra? Oh my God, she finally killed Ma.



-->'''Amy:''' Chris and his dad are outside and he asked me to get his keys for him. It seemed like he doesn't want to come back inside.\\
'''Robert:''' I don't blame him. It was kind of a nightmare.\\
'''Amy:''' Oh yeah? [[RightBehindMe Did your mother come over and make things worse, as usual?]]

to:

-->'''Amy:''' -->'''Amy''': Chris and his dad are outside and he asked me to get his keys for him. It seemed like he doesn't want to come back inside.\\
'''Robert:''' '''Robert''': I don't blame him. It was kind of a nightmare.\\
'''Amy:''' '''Amy''': Oh yeah? [[RightBehindMe Did your mother come over and make things worse, as usual?]]



-->'''Ray:''' "Oh, well, now I'm a widow! I guess I have to raise three kids on my own. On the other hand, I guess I could start dating again. I need a new pair of shoes. Hey, you know who's cute? Gianni!" \\
'''Marie:''' ''(appalled)'' '''Debra!'''

to:

-->'''Ray:''' -->'''Ray''': "Oh, well, now I'm a widow! I guess I have to raise three kids on my own. On the other hand, I guess I could start dating again. I need a new pair of shoes. Hey, you know who's cute? Gianni!" \\
'''Marie:''' '''Marie''': ''(appalled)'' '''Debra!'''
11th Jan '17 12:26:22 PM Chiropteru
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'''Marie''': But Father Hubley, we haven't eaten yet!\\

to:

'''Marie''': But Father Hubley, we you haven't eaten yet!\\
11th Jan '17 12:10:51 PM speedyboris
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* "Humm Vac": Debra tries to make a mess in Marie's house to prove that she needs the Humm Vac as much as herself, but when she grabs a potted plant to dump some dirt, she's annoyed to find: "Plastic. It's PLASTIC!"

to:

* "Humm Vac": Vac": When Ray willingly uses the Humm Vac to vacuum, Debra says, "I have never been more attracted to you in my entire life."
**
Debra tries to make a mess in Marie's house to prove that she needs the Humm Vac as much as herself, but when she grabs a potted plant to dump some dirt, she's annoyed to find: "Plastic. It's PLASTIC!"
11th Jan '17 12:09:06 PM speedyboris
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Added DiffLines:

** The RunningGag of the Stipes ignoring Robert, even when Robert tells of his upper thigh injury. Then when Harry asks him to take a group picture, he calls him "Rodney". Robert retaliates by framing the picture so that Ray's head is out of frame.
11th Jan '17 11:58:31 AM Chiropteru
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** ''[[InsistentTerminology "Upper thigh."]]''



-->'''Frank:''' "Anyone who can make braciole like this deserves a whole hillside full of heavenly-scented marigolds and daffodils."

to:

-->'''Frank:''' "Anyone Anyone who can make braciole like this deserves a whole hillside full of heavenly-scented marigolds and daffodils."



'''Marie''': How about the time you had them in your hands. ''(falsetto)'' "Where are my keys? Where are my keys?"\\

to:

'''Marie''': How about the time you had them in your hands. ''(falsetto)'' ''("dumb" voice)'' "Where are my keys? Where are my keys?"\\



--> '''Robert''': Hey. Remember me? You ran into me a few months ago. Actually, it was more than that. You gored me. You ran after me, you caught up with me, and you gored me right in the ass! That's right. Why'd you do it, huh? You damn bull.\\

to:

--> '''Robert''': Hey. Remember me? You ran into me a few months ago. Actually, it was more than that. You gored me. You ran after me, you caught up with me, up, and you gored me right me. ''Right in the ass! ass!'' That's right. Why'd you do it, huh? You damn bull.\\
11th Jan '17 11:44:31 AM Chiropteru
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-->'''Frank:''' "Nice suit-- where's Gladys and the other two Pips?" \\
'''Robert:''' "All right, Dad!" \\
'''Frank:''' "No, it's ''not'' all right! I'm talkin' to you on the phone the other day; I can't even understand what the hell you're saying anymore! What did you call me "dog" for?!" \\
'''Robert:''' "That's a nice thing, Dad! You say it to your friends! That means I like you!" \\
'''Frank:''' [[SarcasmMode "Oh yeah? Well, from now on, I'm callin' you "Jackass"! That means he's great!"]] \\
'''Ray:''' (enters) "Hey." \\
'''Frank:''' "Hey, "Ugly"!" \\
'''Ray:''' "W-what's that all about?" \\
'''Frank:''' "That's "Robert-Talk". That means you're good looking! (looks at Marie) Hey, good looking!"

to:

-->'''Frank:''' "Nice Nice suit-- where's Gladys and the other two Pips?" \\
Pips?\\
'''Robert:''' "All All right, Dad!" \\
Dad!\\
'''Frank:''' "No, No, it's ''not'' all right! I'm talkin' to you on the phone the other day; I can't even understand what the hell you're saying anymore! What did you call me "dog" for?!" \\
for?!\\
'''Robert:''' "That's That's a nice thing, Dad! You say it to your friends! That means I like you!" \\
you!\\
'''Frank:''' [[SarcasmMode "Oh Oh yeah? Well, from now on, I'm callin' you "Jackass"! That means he's great!"]] great!]] \\
'''Ray:''' (enters) "Hey." Hey.\\
'''Frank:''' "Hey, "Ugly"!" \\
Hey, "Ugly"!\\
'''Ray:''' "W-what's W-what's that all about?" \\
about?\\
'''Frank:''' "That's That's "Robert-Talk". That means you're good looking! (looks at Marie) Hey, good looking!"looking!



-->'''Robert:''' "That is so ''whack''!" \\
'''Ray:''' "Right there, see? That's what I'm talking about. We're ''Italian'', Robert. "Whack" means something ''else'' to us."

to:

-->'''Robert:''' "That That is so ''whack''!" \\
''whack''!\\
'''Ray:''' "Right Right there, see? That's what I'm talking about. We're ''Italian'', Robert. "Whack" means something ''else'' to us."
5th Jan '17 5:27:37 AM speedyboris
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** Frank's rivalry with Hank, whom he's convinced is a phony. After Frank says he's never eaten a muffin, says he likes to reserve Sundays for church and family, and doesn't want to go along with Debra's idea of a group prayer:

to:

** Frank's rivalry with Hank, whom he's convinced is a phony. After Frank Hank says he's never eaten a muffin, says he likes to reserve Sundays for church and family, and doesn't want to go along with Debra's idea of a group prayer:
4th Jan '17 2:13:38 PM speedyboris
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Added DiffLines:

* In "The Bird", Pat puts a wounded bird out of its misery by snapping its neck. The [=MacDougalls=] think it's normal, while the Barones are horrified. Robert is firmly in the horrified camp, until Debra (who had been in the kitchen while this happened) asked, "What was Pat supposed to do? Perform surgery?" Then he changes his mind. Amy's [[HairTriggerTemper reaction is priceless:]]
--> '''Amy''': ''Now'' you think that?! When ''Debra'' says it, you listen! With ''me'', you fight! What is WITH you?!\\
'''Robert''': ...IT'S A CONFUSING ISSUE!\\
'''Frank''': You're out of the family.
4th Jan '17 2:09:34 PM speedyboris
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Added DiffLines:

* "Meeting the Parents":
** Frank's rivalry with Hank, whom he's convinced is a phony. After Frank says he's never eaten a muffin, says he likes to reserve Sundays for church and family, and doesn't want to go along with Debra's idea of a group prayer:
--> '''Frank''': See, Marie? I bet all this stuff about church is a load of crap, too. Probably spends all Sunday watching TV in a muffin shop.
** This exchange, when Frank bets he can "beat" Hank's prayer:
--> '''Hank''': This is hardly worshipful.\\
'''Frank''': Who made ''you'' the Prayer Sheriff?\\
'''Hank''': I am ''not'' the "Prayer Sheriff".
** Ray and Peter's conversation in the hall. Peter and Ray briefly find common ground that both are driven crazy by their parents, but it goes south quickly:
--> '''Peter''': So that's why you and me are gonna break up this wedding.\\
'''Ray''': Wait a minute. Look, I think you got the wrong idea there, Peter, okay? I'm not for breaking up Robert and Amy's wedding.\\
'''Peter''': I thought we were friends.\\
'''Ray''': Yeah, but friends can disagree.\\
'''Peter''': No, they can't.\\
'''Ray''': But you just disagreed with me right there.\\
'''Peter''': Oh, a-ha. Uh-huh. Oh, you are crafty. Uh-huh. Ah, how I misjudged you.
12th Dec '16 8:58:42 AM speedyboris
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Added DiffLines:

* The ending of "Frank Paints the House": Marie accidentally gets sprayed with paint. Frank walks by and notes, "That's gonna need another coat."
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http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/article_history.php?article=Funny.EverybodyLovesRaymond